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Gaypril 11th, 2018
Volume LV Issue VIII 50¢ SUCKIN EM DRY
STUDY FINDS GIVING BLOOD ONCE A DAY REDUCES RISK OF HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SHAE D. FINDINGS RELIABLE SOURCE
NEW YORK — Many Americans admit that they are a bit nervous about giving blood, but according to a 2018 study posted in Health magazine, there are some incredible benefits. The study found that donating one pint of your blood every day will actually decrease your chances of having high blood pressure. The researchers tested the blood pressures of 20 randomly selected participants, with 10 giving blood every day. The results showed that within just one week, the participants felt less pain, had lighter skin, and their blood pressure had
AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN
This man selflessly donates his tenth pint of blood in one sitting
dropped by over 90%! “A lot of people have the misconception that because they
feel a little sick after donating their blood that it is not good for them, but I actually recommend Continued on Page 2
THAT FUCKER WAS ASKING FOR IT
10 YEAR OLD BECOMES POSTER CHILD FOR CHILD ABUSE MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
PUNK ASS BITCH DESERVED IT This pussy thought he could be a Wrestlemania champ without people gunnng for his #1 spot.
New Orleans, LA — This past Sunday was the Tag-Team championship Wrestlemania Match. Braun Strowman, a competitor in the in the match on Sunday needed to think fast when he learned that his teammate would be unable to participate. Confident in his own skills, he chose a 10 year old to become his mock partner while he did the heavy lifting within the match. The only issue is, he won. Now Braun Strowman and his 10 year old partner are co-champs in the Wrestlemania tag-team category. This has lit a fire under Continued on Page 2
FLAMEO HOTMEN Since 1970
"We Got Trump's Top Jew, Michael Cohen" Says Police Chief In Front of Teary Eyed Kushner Man Has Sexual Awakening After Watching TriVaGo Ad
Man Can't Get Job After Posing for Stock Photos of White Supremacist Venus Flytrap Considering Veganism Bench By Tillett
Wednesday, Gaypril 11th, 2018
"How close are you with him? - IDK He's just my drug dealer."
POSTER CHILD ABUSE
Vladimir Putin Puts Gay Torture On Hold In Honor of “Gay-pril” DANDY COUGHMAN SERIAL TIPPER
CHECHNYA — As April rolls in many people around the world observe “Gay-pril” to celebrate the LGBT community. In Russia this is no different as President Vladimir Putin has announced plans to delay all torture of gay citizens until May. [translated] “Hello my definitely-not-gay citizens,” said Putin chuckling to himself, “have no fear, it is my understanding that this month is ‘Gay-pril’. As such all humiliation, harassment, and torture of suspected gay Russians will be postponed until next month! In the meantime feel free to be yourselves don’t hold back!” Upon hearing the news, closeted gay citizens rejoiced across the country. Sasha Levkovski a normally straight man from Moscow expressed his joy for the recognition of the holiday. [translated] “This is a great month to be gay, I can finally drink strawberry Svedka without worrying if I’ll be blindfolded and beaten with metal pipes.” Guards at gay concentration camps are also happy to have a reprieve from the torture. [translated] “We torture eleven out of twelve months a year, it’ll be nice to see my family,” says Olev Krushni the officer in charge of electric waterboarding, “We’ve been working ourselves nearly to death, it’s about time we got a break.” Other camps are even planning their own pride parades. Nikita Tatiana, head of the verbal abuse cell block, assisted his inmates in decorating the camp. [translated] “There’s something about hanging rainbow streamers from blood-soaked jail cells that brings a smile to my face.” After finishing his speech President Putin made watching RuPaul’s Drag Race mandatory for all citizens.
every wrestler's heart as they all vowed to de-throne the child. Roman Reigns - a competitor from Sunday’s competition had this to say. “Oh I’m gonna fuck that kid up. Yuuuup. I said it. I’m gonna fuck him up real bad. You see, wrastlin’ is a man's sport and I’ll be damned if I let this BOY outshine me on my territory! I’m fucking Roman Reigns bitch!” This response in particular is what prompted an outcry of criticism from Wrestlemania fans and parents alike. The argument is that the child was only a mock partner and should not be subjected to any further matches. The counter argument however is that Braun is required to have a teammate to hold his title and it does not appear he is going to be letting go of his title anytime soon so the 10 year old is fair game.
PURE ANGELS BLOOD ...continued from front
to donors that they give as much as they can”, explains American Red Cross nurse Jackie Nyurblüd. “Sometimes I’ll even just let people go again right after.” We asked some of the folks that participated in the study how they felt afterwards to get a sense of the miracles of blood donation for ourselves. “Oh man I just feel so relaxed, like all the stresses of modern life have been sucked away. I feel like I can just lay on this hospital bed forever,” said Amanda Owen, with a glazed look of pure joy on her face. “I would give it two thumbs up if I could lift my arms.” “I fel gret. Relly”, said Rich Calour, after peeing the bed from excitement. “..............................................................” said Steph Korbs, who has apparently been asleep for 4 straight days. So whether you’re nervous about needles, or just a little skeptical about the whole process, rest assured, it can not only save someone else’s life, but it can save yours too. You can never give too much!
Editorial Staff Spring 2018
...continued from front
Editor-in-Chief Andrew Blustein Managing Editor Jake Goldstein Business Manager Alex Hawley Mascot Cucumber w/ condom
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Jeff Zhang Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Dan Cretella Features Editor Zoe Adele Sifnakis
CARLY RAE JEPSEN!
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Rimond Siddique Zachary Fox Jake Goldstein Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Jesus Christ
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to my mom.
Wednesday, April 11th, 2018 firstname.lastname@example.org
“Go ahead, pimp my ride.”
PHIL IN THE BLANKS
Build a Set of Core Values
Ask a Nudist
BY MEL A. NOMA
BY HAYWOOD JABLOMI
Are you lacking a sense of self? A true purpose? Maybe you need something to identify yourself with, something to stand for, something to assert your convictions about. You need your own personal philosophy! Here’s a helpful guide to getting started: just pick the initials of your first and last name and your new core values will be revealed. Then the next time someone asks you to tell them about yourself, just say “I’m a ___ ___!” Guaranteed to dazzle in all conversations.
Your friendly neighborhood nudist, here to answer all your most pressing nudity questions.
A- Epistemological B- Metaphysical C- Empirical D- A priori E- A posteriori F- Reductio ad absurdum G- Dualist H- Categorically imperative I- Animalist J- Brainist K- Nihilist L- Liberitarian M- Determinist N- Speciesist O- Computational P- Connectionist Q- Solipsistal R- Capitalist S- Internalist T- Externalist U- Direct realist V- Indirect realist W- Naïve realist X- Commonalitist Y- World of formsian Z- Disjunctivist
A- Capitalist B- Trolley problem C- Pseudopod D- Socrates E- Post-punk F- Really realist G- Social drinker H- Brain in the vat I- Stream of consciousness J- Disciple K- Identical twin L- Blade runner M- Environmentalist N- Gravity denier O- Embryo P- Ant lobbyist Q- Apparition R- Hypotenuse S- Robot that can learn T- Oligarch U- Hypothesis V- Hypothalamus W- Apostle X- Vinyl enthusiast Y- Homunculus Z- Inclined plane
NOT AN AFTERTHOUGHT I PROMISE
H A P P Y G A Y P R I L 2 A L L &
G O D B L E S S A M E R I C A
So did you just wake up one day and decide to be a nudist or were you born into it? Technically, EVERYONE’S born into it… You wanna bang? Doesn’t everyone? So what happens when family comes over? Yeah, they don’t do that anymore… How do you guys deal with boners? If you’ve got it, flaunt it Do you keep your windows open? Also where do you live? No and no. Do you guys wear clothes when you go outside? Of course not. How else do you explain all the nude people you see walking around New Brunswick? Is it weird when you bump into each other by accident? “Accident”? How do you pick roommates? I’ll be honest, we just go with whoever’s hottest Got any funny stories for us? I’m not writing your fetish porn for you PLANT OF THE WEEK
Defying Gravity - Flipped It
A domesticated cactal species exhibiting inverted photopropism. Amazing: even in zero-G conditions, this succulent plant still reaches really, super, incredibly hard for the nutritious light of the sun.
Wednesday, GAYpril 11th, 2018
“When you shake it, it gets all big”
CALL ME BY MY NAME
What’s your spring fashion must-have? “A sweater than can withstand weather from 2580 degrees.” Stacey Perez Meterology minor.
“The love of my mother, the pride of my father, and the strength of my ancestors from generations ago.” Jason Philips Big Goodwill customer.
“Necklace with locally sourced shark tooth.” Greg Lam Small business saturday is his favorite holiday. LIKE, NO
I’M NOT AN INSTAGRAM FREE-RIDER BY JENN ERIKSON I’ve been an Instagram user for over 5 years and I haven’t really gotten the hang of it until recently. At first, I wasn’t sure about what aesthetic I wanted for my profile and what thematic direction I wanted to take it in. As I gained more followers, I became more in tune with the inner workings of the gram. I found that many people scroll through their feeds and like almost every picture they pass through. I find that liking every picture with reckless abandon regardless of whether you actually like the picture is ingenuine. I only “heart” pictures that I actually like. I don’t post frequently, but I have found that whenever I do post pictures, I get a large number of likes on pictures. Some have accused me of freeriding on Instagram, as the likes I receive on my pictures is disproportionately larger than the number of pictures I like. I would disagree with such a derogatory label. I hope that people would expect me to uphold my integrity online as much as they would offline. Social media is full of sycophants and I will not take part in a culture of such superficial flattery. I just can’t compromise my values for the sake of others’ pride. Follow me @hotgirljenn27 (disclaimer, I might not follow back)
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MY NAME IS NOT SAM BY SAM I AM NOT
The first twenty years of my life have been a lie. To appease the whites, I have been forced to avoid the cringe-worthy conversations and change my name, which actually is Shyamasundaram Thiruvanallam, to simply, Sam. Like what the hell do you think of my parents? You think that a pure-bred Indian couple would actually name a kid Sam? No. I was born and raised in India for fuck’s sake. Always remember this, if an Indian ever gives you an Anglicized name and that small voice inside your head questions whether or not that really is his/her name, there is a 99.9% chance that your voice is right. Of course he/she is lying. In a world where coming out as gay has become an everyday phenomenon, I am starting a new movement: #MeTooPart2. If you have been a victim of whitewashing, this movement is for you. I would really appreciate the support and now would like to be called Shyamasundaram. If my name fazes you in any way, remember how easily triggered people get these days. No matter how hard you try to properly pronounce my name, you will be the victim for mispronouncing it. I have been the victim for twenty years, #enoughisenough. If any of you would like to donate to my cause I will be accepting donations email@example.com.
GOURMET OR NAY
I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIDED BY THE HUMMUS ON MY EGGPLANT SANDWICH BY RICKY JORDAN I bought a pre-made eggplant sandwich from the Rock Café on Livingston and was caught completely off guard. I thought it had eggplant, mozzarella and basil, but there was some humms spread under the bun. Sure, I like hummus, but that’s not the problem. I’m not saying it tasted bad or didn’t add another flavor dimension, but it was totally unexpected. I enjoy a complex culinary dish as much as the next guy, but I’d prefer to know what’s coming. I don’t want to be floored every time I buy a sandwich from the Rock. If I order a Mozzarella Eggplant Basil sandwich on ciabatta, I want my expectations for such to be met. My trust has now been shattered by each and every student worker behind that deli counter and even the warm grandmother figure at the cash register. I used to see the Rock as a refuge from the cookie cutter franchise fare from the likes of Panera and Sbarro. The Rock is the closest reminder to the semi-gourmet food my grandmother cooked for me in my youth and this hummus fiasco is almost as bad as the time she tried to bake broccoli into her brownies and call them “greenies.”
Wednesday, April 11th, 2018
ARTS “I like dicks.”
NO HOMO COMIC: HOW TO TREAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND
the Medium DOODLE: PANTS ON FIRE
JOIN THE MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS. WEDNESDAYS, ROOM 411B, COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 7:45PM DOTW: DICK IS FOR LOVERS SINGLE SAD COMIC
ARTISTIC RAINBOW BAR! NOW COME TO ONE OF OUR MEETINGS! WEDNESDAYS ROOM 411B CASC 7:45-8:45 LIKE THE MEDIUM ON FACEBOOK!
the Medium Ashy Wednesday
Is it gay to suck a girl’s foot-long penis?
Man, this lecture is just about to start, but my music is getting really good.
Do you ever realize you’re not good at anything and get super depressed/ (If you really think that, you are not thinking hard enough. You can be the best at anything if you just kill everyone better than you. Or you can get good at doing something no one does. Be the best “Mentalist” fan you can be!) My mom sent me a sad pepe meme and now I can’t look her in the eye. (I have the same problem man, my mom won’t stop sending me Nazi propaganda either.) Ung miss cave days. Ung talk like caveman to feel better.
The type of people that go to basement show either need to shower and/or are the cause of abusive relationships. (9/10 relationships end due to poor bathing habits. Talk to your local pastor about bathing in the light of the lord.) I think I’m finally losing my baby teeth! (Same, but by losing the teeth I mean losing the whole baby and by “losing” I mean aborting.) Melted cheese should be labled a choking hazard. (Yeah? Well so should my dick!! Hahahahahahaha...*sob*.)
“Truth or Dare for Best Picture 2019”
She’s the Man (Dude, it’s 2018 get your trans-bashing face off of my inbox. Its only gay if you are a bigot, otherwise it is Patriotic.)
Wednesday, April 11th, 2018
(Just run up your headphones through the sleave of your shirt and lean on your arm all class. I’ve been doing that for five years and they’ve never caught on... Also they don’t really care. You’ve already payed.) I’m better than you because I’m boycotting a bad corperation and you’re not! (This was posted on my Facebook btw. Kinda hypocritical of you to do so. Damn I wish hypocritical mean critical hypos.) I started drinking coffee while pooping and now I have a relaxing start to my morining. (Neat, I begin every morning by trying to get out of the house I snuck into.)
Who doesn’t love the bad pizzabox chef?
Twist of Shout I’m happy for my neighbor’s apparently health sex life, but man I got a lab in the morning. Keep it to the weekends. (To be fair, any sex that can be heard through a wall must be amazing.) I’m getting really good at being depressed. (Am I’m getting really good at dealing with depressed people. You should see the threes of messages I don’t put in.) So, Philly destroyed the city again. I should start selling parade insurance. (That gamble will either make you millions or will make you broke for ten years. There is no inbetween.) THE MARKET IS STILL CRASHING? (Invest in late night TV hosts. They are currently the only stable currency.)
Join us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
What’s your favorite TV show? (I don’t watch TV shows. I only watch Youtube videos of various exotic animal births set to 1920’s flapper music. It is the height of media avant garde. Oh and ‘Game of Thrones’ is pretty good... BRINGING IT BACK!)
“The one thing that always puts a smile on my face is full knuckle elbow deep fisting.” -Vice President Mike “Candy Ass” Pence
Russell Mania The fact that a ten yearold now has a WWE champion belt makes all my childhood dreams look like they were possible. (One day I will marry Samus Aran and rule over the Star Wars Empire.) Which classrooms are the most comfortable to sleep in overnight. (Try one of the chem labs. Plenty of burners and fire blankets to keep you warm. Also if anyone catches you, just say you were making meth.) Women are expected blah blah household which blah blah job and also execute, blah blabby blah blah, every home is an actual thwpwpwppwpwpwpwppwpwp but without the credit.
Oy Cabba British curses are cool. (Hell fukin ya rite cunt.) As a black man, am I allowed to furiously sign during the film “A Quiet Place”? (Are you kidding? It would be a cultural insult if you didn’t sign at the screen during the film.) At what age can my son get emotionally scarred by me leaving him? (Well I left my kid when he was 3 and he turned that pain into a productive music career, so you’d be good leaving whenever.) Bring back the substitute Personals editor! (BITCH YOU WANT THIS JOB COME TAKE IT! Seriously I got better shit I could be doing right now. Like jacking it)
(Women please stop trying to get men to understand How do I get laid? women’s issues, we will just give you a bad answer. Just (First of all, stop trying to. kill all of us in our sleep.) Women can smell desperaLooking back, ever since tion. Just hang out at bars alot and eventually you winter break, every will get drunk enough to week has been like get- make a mistake.) ting fucking in the ass. How often do you think (Same of me, and I’ve been getting actually fucked in about fighting your entire class Kill Bill style? the ass weekly all year.) Do you REALLY not like answering these? (Yes.)
(Not anymore...) Is it worse to be hungry in the desert or thirsty in the middle of the ocean? Also you lost your ball.
(Both of them?)
Wednesday, April 11th, 2018
“Are the beads in my new body wash supposed to scratch my dick like this?41”
A Visual Gag By: Throb Lowe
Weird Pets and the Humans Who Love Them: Bearded Dragon: Commonly owned by avid Game of Thrones fans, the bearded dragon is a staple pet for nerds of any fantasy fandom. Big Snake: Big snake owners are either way too nice and sweet to be handling a giant mass of muscle that tempted Eve into dooming us all, or by really shady people who have some sort of evil plan. Salt Water Fish: A pet that requires so much maintenance is either owned by someone with enough down time to commit to these damn fish or someone rich who doesn’t care if their expensive pets die. Talking Bird: The talking bird is usually owned by those who want to bug their house (but can’t operate audio software) in case a nemesis reveals an evil plan beofre killing them.
College Recipe Guide: Roast Beast
Step 1: Travel to the land where the beast lives Step 2: Track the beast by following foot prints and scents Step 3: Approach the beast’s lair Step 4: Coax the beast out with a blend of herbs and spices, saving half your bag for later Step 5: Slay the beast with the harpoon that has been passed down through your family for ages in anticipation of this quest Step 6: Carve yourself a large chunk of leg meat from the beast Step 7: Build medium-small fire log cabin style Step 8: Place large flat stone atop the burning wood Step 9: Season chunk of leg meat with reamaining herbs and spices Step 10: Sear on hot side of the rock Step 11: Cook until medium rare on cooler side of the rock 3-5 min Step 12: Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with crushed nuts Step 13: Pair with a glass of beast blood and serve with parsley
SOS. THIS IS A REAL CRISIS. I’M COMPLETELY OUT OF JERGENS LOTION. IF YOU FEEL HAVE ANY EXTRA, YOU CAN BRING IT TO ME AT THE LOCATION BELOW. MAYBE HANG AROUND AND GET TO KNOW US. Wednesdays, 7:45 in The College Avenue Student Center Room 411B Submit to page A7 firstname.lastname@example.org
New Weed Strain Names
This strain has been identified by users as tasting spicy with a velvety aftertaste, and causing a very airy head high with euphoric effects.
One hit of this powerful indica dominant hybrid will have users digging through the contents of the mystical sack in a trance for the duration of the high.
A potent sativa dominant hybrid, Mars Rover, will give users an energetic boost of whim well suited for exploring the outdoors or a museum.
april 11th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com QUOTE THE RAVEN
"ALLEGED" NFL DOUBLE MURDERER INSISTS HE'S A REAL CHRISTIAN
"IT WASN'T ME " Ray Lewis banishing Odell out of Earth because he "allegedly" doesn't have God in his life. IVAN YAKINOFF DIABETIC
LOS ANGELES— In the latest wild NFL offseason news, former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis hailed
his inner Jesusman and came out just hours ago with this statement when asked how he would spend 10 minutes with
Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. "Where there’s no God, there’s chaos. Odell has removed God from his life. This is a kid that grew up under the covenant of who God really is. And everything he’s doing, he’s crying out for help. We have a lot of people reporting about it, but it’s always been the duty of elders to go back to help people. So that’s why I raised my hand." As you can see, Mr. Lewis, or shall we say, Pastor Lewis, is a supposedly a real man of God. Along with a long Hall of Fame career in which he won 2 Super Bowls, Ray Lewis is also a part time TV pastor in which he shares his Chrisitan insight and tries to enlighten us all. Despite the fact that back in 2000, when Lewis himself was involved in a double murder in which he was "allegedly" involved in the cover-up and
Top 10 Most Gayest Moments in Sports History
BY IVAN YAKINOFF
The gay sport of American football.
Making fencing an Olympic sport.
Clay Aiken comes out sur- William Gay gets drafted prising no one.
3 Manti Teo's fake girlfriend. 4
Being a male cheerleader is actually not gay at all.
Roll Tide! The Coming out Being an athlete for any of Closet issue. San Francisco team.
Michael Sam's reaction when he got drafted <3.
Tyson Gay testing positive for a banned substence.
giving into our urges SINCE 1970
the fact that he has 6 kids with 4 different baby mommas, Ray Lewis still insists his Christian side is totally not a act to hide and take away attention fron his wrong doings. "Let's be real here, sure Ray Lewis was a great football player, but his preaching is a just a load of hogwash. For all we know, if he really sat down with Odell, he'd probably be more concerned with him treating him as a kicking net and playing his diva antics than actually having any sort of great religious conversation." said Reddit r/NFL user XxTerminatedTheBirds. Just like how we'll never know for sure just how much Ray Lewis was actual involved in the murders, we're just as doubtful if we'll know how much, if any, of a real God fearing Christian he truly is. But we have more proof for the murders.
The 8th issue of the 55th volume of the Medium