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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 23rd, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ LEARNING HAS NEVER MADE ME SO HORNY
UPDATE GIVES SAKAI USERS ACCESS TO PORNHUB PENN A. TRAYSHUN ONLY WITH CONSENT
It was supposed to be a routine update. It was not. When Sakai came back online this morning, a new tab appeared in the list of courses. Some students did not know it linked to Pornhub. Our reporters spoke with Jessica, a religion major with a specialization in heavenly imagery. “I was taken aback when I clicked on the tab and saw a giant black phallus. I was expecting more resources to analyze the psalm MAYBE I'LL ACTUALLY CHECK MY GRADES NOW that discusses the importance of Probably not lol chastity. All I saw was a whitish This new update has affected all of the LX drivers are flooding goo land on a naked woman’s the bus routes quite dramatically. the website to wank in the College face.” Instead of the typical 10-minute Ave bathrooms. I bet you will have According to our reporters, shit and smoke break, bus drivers no problem staying far behind the Jessica is a fucking idiot because are now beating one out in the fucking white line on the bus now, the tab is clearly labeled as COCKS student center bathrooms too. right? SUCKED DRY. We have no There have been instances where In another development, Sakai goddamn clue how she missed Sakai has crashed because literally is now partnering with Budweiser. that. Continued on Page 2
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TBH
JESUS WALKS ON RARITAN, TRIPS ON FLOATING FISH CORPSE ANNA KREAMINA A MORE INTERSTING READ
New Brunswick, NJArnold Karner, began his day as he usually would. By 7 a.m., he was perched on the edge of the Raritan River, fishing line in the water, awaiting his next catch from the giant toxic toilet that is Rutgers’s main attraction. Karner eats the fish he catches from these questionable waters every day. He can no longer walk in a straight line and, over the course of the past year, a few of his toes have fallen off, but still, he persists. He stood there on the bank, and, as usual, watched Jesus emerge in a ball of light and descend gracefully upon the river. Only this time, it wasn’t a hallucination brought on by the high sewage content of the fish.
HE IS RISEN! NO WAIT HE’S DOWN AGAIN. THROW HIM A FLOATY
On the morning of October 20th, security footage from Rutgers campus does in fact show Jesus Christ himself descending from the heavens and appearing, in the flesh, on the banks of the Ol’ Raritan. The footage shows him taking his
first steps, across the water. But the power of his eternal love and moral fortitude was no match for New Jersey’s #1 part-trashcan-partwaterway. He almost immediately slipped on an eyeless floating fish Continued on Page 2
Takin' Fat Rips Since 1970
QUICKIES
Lebron James Killed and Ate My Guinea Pig in 2013 Local Freshman Detrimentally Horny Breaking: This Condom Local Man Wonders Why Jiu-Jiutsu Instructor Keeps Ranting About the Federal Reserve Nudist Sad That They Can't Take Part in Halloween Costumes Do You Have an iPhone Charger? Coach Who Hugged School Shooter Now Being Sued for Sexual Misconduct Have You Heard of Breast Cancer? Shit Sucks
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NEWS
Wednesday, Oct. 23rd, 2019
"It's Like Roto Rooter for your Asshole" -My Mom on Facebook
I LIKE THE GUY CLEANING THE CASTING COUCH EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT They are branding themselves as the only school company to have a partnership with a porn site and a beer company. Budweiser simply does not give a shit that they look bad going through with this. Advertising is all that matters now. “Advertising is all that matters now,” says Mr. Cuminmeh, CEO of Budweiser. “Frankly, we do not care how many overweight LGBTQ Mexican immigrants are offended by it. Money talks. Donald Trump understood that, and that is why this country is winning again.” What will happen in the future is uncertain. However, students do not have to waste more of their parent’s money on a premium
...continued from front
account for Pornhub. They can find all the minge they want. It is all made possible by Sakai. Students: just remember to submit your assignments under the right tab, or you might find some original sin plastered all across your computer screen.
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KANYE HAS TO UPDATE JESUS WALKS NOW MAKE YOUR DONATION carcass, sending him flying head first into a half-submerged clump of Wendy’s* chicken nuggets and doll hair. He thrashed for a minute, regretting that his arrogance from being able to walk on water had prevented him from taking that beginner swim class at the YMCA. From there it just got ugly, as inevitable death overcame Jesus and the river demon Grogc absorbed his body into its porous skin. A tragic demise, but still arguably more pleasant than crucifixion. Incremental improvement, I guess. Until next time, you poor son of a God.
TW: THEMEDIUMRU
...continued from front
I'M HERE TO FILL SPACE IN THIS SECTION AND CHEW BUBBLGUM.
AND GUESS WHAT?
I'M ALL OUT OF BUBLEGUM.
"IT HAPPENS" - THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES FOLLOWING A KID GETTING KILLED
TROJAN RELEASES NEW CONDOM STRENGTH: DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY HARRY NUTTSAAC NOT HAIRY ENOUGH
Following the horrible news that "President" Donald Trump tried to force parents to meet their son’s murderer, who has so far gotten away with it under diplomatic immunity, Trojan has decided to capitalize on the events. For those unfamiliar with the incident, Anne Sacoolas, a diplomat’s wife, was driving on the right side of the road in the wrong country, killed motorcyclist Harry Dunn, then came back to the U.S. and has been in hiding since. Dunn's parents, who have been advocating in the U.S. for the last two months, trying to amend restrictions to diplomatic immunity, were asked to meet with Trump last Tuesday at the White House. Once there, Trump pulled a jump scare right out of Ellen's playbook and tried to force the parents to meet with the lady that killed their son. Even with this atrocious new development, nothing has changed about Sacoolas' case. An executive at Trojan was following this news and, surprised at just
how strong diplomatic immunity is, has decided to develop a new strength condom. The Diplomatic Immunity Strength (available in all sizes, even XXS for me) will be "the strongest condom on the market" according to Trojan advertising agents, and it will contain features like spermicide, extra lubricant, enhanced flexibility, thermal strength, and needle resistance (for when your psycho girlfriend wants you to settle down). They performed numerous trials to test the condom's abilities: dropping a ten-pound bowling ball down the condom; crazy women with baby pins; watching two gay guys go at it without extra lube; they even had a guy fuck a hot apple pie; the condoms didn’t break once! I don't know about the rest of you, but if I ever find a human being or apple pie willing to go anywhere near my penis, I'm gonna be buying Trojan Diplomatic Immunity Strength (in XXS of course).
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Editorial Staff Fall 2019
Editor-in-Chief Zachary Fox Managing Editor Vickram Singh Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editors Samuel Hammer Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor
Michael Celletti Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Dan Cretella Kelly Manniello
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to all the pimps around the world.
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
FEATURES “I can put the f-word in, right?”
EAT. SHIT. DIE.
Movie Review: Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi By Heywood Jablomi Deadbeat
Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi is the latest in an already-exhausted genre of zombie parodies that feels as slow, lifeless, and unappealing as its subject matter. Long gone are the days of Sean of the Dead, back when zombie movies were everywhere and ripe for dissection, nowadays parodies seem to have overwhelmed originals and have made the genre its own reanimated corpse, which is a wonderfully ironic twist that could make a great movie if anyone making zombie movies these days could be bothered to try something new. I suppose I’m being too harsh here, as Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi does in fact try something new: a tamagotchi comes back to life and desires to kill its owner because of neglect. Sure, Pet Sematary could be said to do the same, except where that movie explores themes of guilt, loss, and the lengths people will go to protect the people around them no matter how unhealthy; Tamagotchi is content to rely on 80 minutes (barely feature length) of saying “it’s a tamagotchi. And a zombie! GET IT?!” and expect the audience to laugh along. I could go on, there’s plenty of contrivances (why can the tamagotchi invade other pieces of tech and why is the PS4 of all devices safe??), stupid decisions made solely to further the plot (he knows the tamagotchi can burn him, why in the world would he pick it up? It can’t even move!) and downright awful special effects (movies from the 60s had better-looking UFOs than that), but there’s just no point. Night of the Living Death Tamagotchi is cheap, soulless, uncreative, and shallow. The only saving graces are its mercifully short length (an expos lecture is the same length and much more entertaining) and the fanservice provided by the lead actress (that Princess Zelda costume is both respectful and elegant, although bizarrely out of place. I’d recommend watching literally anything else, and I’m giving this movie a two out of seventeen.
WHO WANTS PIZZA????????? COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 TO CHOW DOWN ON SOME ZA! (PIZZA SOLD SEPARATELY, PLEASE BUY US PIZZA)
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WE WANT THE CUM. GIVE US THE CUM.
Top 5 Phobias Turned Fetishes by Harry Nuttsaac & P.P. Harding
5. Defecaloesiophobia: the fear of painful bowel movements The whole time I’m fucking this dude up the ass, the only thing he can think about is how painful his next shit is gonna be, makes him jizz on the spot. 4. Ablutophobia: the fear of washing or bathing Oh yeah, baby, you smell like a used diaper. God, if your breath smells this bad, I can’t wait to smell your coochie. 3. Germanophobia: the fear of Germany or German culture As you tie your love down to the bed, you whisper sweet nothings into her ear: “I’m gonna pound you like wiener schnitzel.” 2. Ostraconophobia: the fear of shellfish Dowse your beloved in butter sauce and then shove crab legs up their ass, call that booty “crab cake.” 1. Consecotaleophobia: The Fear of Chopsticks We all know what we’re thinking here. Every man is uncomfortable with anything going near their pee pee hole, but a guy with this phobia makes this a lot more interesting.
WE’LL HAVE A GOOD TIME, I SWEAR
What “Boring Thing Do You Show Your Friends When They Visit Rutgers” R U Based on Your Zodiac? By: PP Harding & Harry Nuttsaac
Libra- Fountains on Livi that are never actually on Scorpio- Busch geese Sagittarius- Frat houses on College Ave during the day Capricorn- William the Silent (he threw someone at a window) that statue Aquarius- The Library of Science and Medicine when you take the wrong weekend bus and end up stranded on Busch Pisces- The clap thing on Livi they showed everyone at orientation, you know the one that squeaks Aries- Just a good ol’ fashioned bus tour Taurus- The cows on Cook Gemini- Brower because it’s the “best” dining hall Cancer- Downtown George St, cuz you’ll most likely get crabs Leo- Your dorm room that’s not as cool as you think it is Virgo- A Rutgers football game
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019
"Apparently rape jokes aren't funny this week."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's something you own that you couldn't survive college without? "My laptop! I can go from taking notes, to checking emails, to purchasing 9 year olds on the dark web in just a few clicks." Ricky Dixon Watches Beauty Pageants "My MAGA hat! How else is anyone supposed to know that I'll fail out before the second semester starts?" Hunter Robinson Reads Breitbart "My Bad Dragon XC40 Ruby Red Dragon Cock with triple pronged head, retractable foreskin, and refillable synthetic cum reservoir." Tiffany Green Majoring in Child Psychology GIANT METEOR 2020
Why I'm Pivoting from Politics to Stand-Up Comedy BY SENATOR KLOBUCHAR
Salutations, my fellow warmblooded mammalian homo sapiens. As you may already know, I’ve had a relatively successful performance throughout the 2020 Democratic Presidential Debates, as well as an obedient chattel of subservient meat sacks interning out of my Senate office. When I meddled my daughter over the telephone, as a matriarchal figure does, she likened my charisma to the rousing movements of a fish washed ashore, floundering for its last dying gasps of air. Like all Earthly human denizens, I cherish achievement, conquestual accomplishments, and having my Maslowian hedonistic needs satiated. Unfortunately, I am announcing my departure from pursuing one such need, that being the highest seat in the Oval Office. Ultimately, my focus and I group have determined that my “funny” aphorisms would be better suited for the environment of stand-up comedy. My relatable observational analysis is resonant to commonplace homo sapien occurrences, such as meddling your offspring, enjoying salad with a pinch of dandruff, reading the damn bill, and when your dermal flesh suit enters it’s fourteenth molting cycle. I like to use a little humor on occasion, and I like to deliver said humor in a dry, robotic, deliberately-monotone parlance. According to Wikipedia, anti-humor is a type of indirect humor that involves the joke-teller delivering something which is intentionally not funny, or lacking in meaning, and I embody those anti-humor stylings axiomatically. So, it is with bittersweet sodium benzoate flavoring that I announce the end of my presidential campaign, and the beginning of my live comedic one.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
GO GET A COLONOSCOPY OR SOMETHING
Old People Need to Stay the Fuck Away from Rutgers BY JASON YOUTH
The other day I walked into the Livingston Student Center, and much to my disgust it was overrun by 40 somethings. I don't pay tuition every year to see a bunch of fucking foagies walking around with their bad knees and lower back problems. I want to see young, beautiful people in their prime with eyes full of hope, and blissful ignorance to the ways their bodies are going to change in their thirties. The only exceptions are professors because they help me learn good, and the dining hall staff because they help me eat good. And don't even get me started on the gym! I've never witnessed so many soft wrinkly bodies convulsing as their brittle, arthritis-riddled limbs try to lift a 10-pound dumbell. Instead of watching an absolute Adonis, whose girlfriend calls him daddy, bench 300 pounds like it's nothing, I'm watching some electrician whose toddler calls him daddy come within spitting distance of a heart attack while he tries to keep a steady 4 mile per hour pace on the treadmill. I just don't need the reminder of what's to come, okay? I'm still young and things already suck. I'm broke. I'm ugly. I'm failing Calc 2. It's already so bad, and they're just a reminder of how much worse it's going to get. I can't end up like them. I won't. Mark my words, I will die before I get old. JUST PUT A COAT HANGER THROUGH MY EYE
Abortion should be Legal, and I am Why BY ROCKY DENNIS
If any of you guys knew me, you would totally agree. I'm pretty sure no one likes me. It's gotten so bad that even my professors ask me to not even bother coming to classes anymore, they know the rest of the class is gonna just make fun of me for eighty minutes. I try telling my parents about it, but my dad just calls me a pussy before going to cry about his failure of a son, and my mom always says I'm "a walking abortion advertisement." Last time I went home, while sleeping outside in the dog house, I had an amazing idea: I should get aborted! I was so excited and told my parents and they were just as excited, saying, "Oh thank God!" However, as a cis white male, I was totally unaware of any political movements, and apparently there are people who want abortion to be illegal? I don't know, something about "pro-life" and "we own women," but none of these people know me. If they did, I'm pretty certain that they would all agree that abortion should not only be legal but even required in some cases. On top of this, I feel people should be able to be aborted at any age, so people like me don't have to inconvenience the world any longer. Please, if you're reading this, make sure to vote for pro-choice candidates in the coming elections, so I can get put down like the filthy animal I am.
ARTS
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“If a person who paints is a painter, is a person who draws a drawer?”
the Medium
HAPPY SPOOKTOBER LADIES AND GENTS From the Bottom by Fronshavoncadon
AVADA CADABPEN Hairy Pothead by Penny Trater
DOES GENITALIA ART TURN YOU ON? COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM LSC 109
GENITALIA OF THE WEAK (GOTW) By P.P. Harding
Art not found so here is a cool font. Don't like it? Submit your art
the Medium Epic Disputes Why are people so fake? (For the fucking LAST time I’m not fake, damn it, I’m IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe YOU can’t see past those rancid, dogshit tasting outer layers of potato proteins and yeast extract and soy lehemoglobins, but it’s what MIGHT be inside that hollow empty center that counts, whether that inside is Butterfinger wafers or razor blades. ) Roommate found my cumsock, what’s the best play here? Should I tell him it’s a specimen for a research study? Explain how C.I.A. gangstalkers planted it to frame me? Garrote him to death with it and stage the crime scene like a suicide? (No need for any conspiracy theories or homicides here. Just chalk it up to nvoluntary urethral cough. Happens to the best of us frankly. If your roomate judges or doubts or makes fun of you, chastise him back for being the bigoted ableist SOB that he is. )
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019
"This page is brought to you by Tom Steyer For President campaign, and readers like you!" themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Eye-Talianos
eXXXcrement
Why doesn’t my Italian friend smell like spaghetti and meatballs? (Ey we ain’t all fuckin stereoscopitypeical around here yannow? Ya gotta sift those pesky internalized al dente bigatonis out that gray maddah.)
Help. Tinder date wants me to fuck shit out of her, but unsure about the logistics of out. Where do I begin?
Why are all these broads tryin’ to smash me alluvahsudden? I’m just a damn patriarch mindin’ my bizness ova hear.
(Educate yahself on da intersectional gobbledigool. Paitience is an Old Country virtue for a reason.)
What if I DON'T wanna get this bread? (I fucking detest abominable layabout cretins like you, freeloading off the bountiful treasures of the sidewalk. Why'd YOU have the fucking gall to vandalize MY eyes by EXISTING in front of ME? Why'd the fuck'd you expect ME to actually help you and support fixing your systemically inequitable circumstances in any meaningful, substantive way?)
Word of the Week:
Oblivion. n. Prologue. Epilogue. Experience without all the shitty bloated filler of experience. I am THE Billionaire Outsider. The Alpha and the Omega. Death, destroyer of worlds, necromancer of many an online tome. My power is more luminous than the red styes after your lovers rest their voluptuous glutes upon my immaculate visage, styes redder than the blood of my enemies, spilt on the cherry red linoleum tile flooring in an assisted hit squad suicide. Full auto, safeties off, silencers torqued, classic textbook suicide. Look upon my beautiful jowls, follow the undulating vacuous yaps from gum to gum. Embrace the tender swelling of the Stey, become an acolyte of the Stey, join my quest to shart in the face of monolithic corporate power with monolithic corporate power by becoming one with the Stey...
Losing Jobs: Celebs Weigh In
(Whatever's available at your disposal. Copius amounts of ex-lax? Spork fastened to cock ring? Ramming a Shop-Vac all up in those guts? Modern problems require modern solutions, my friend.) Literally HOW has any arch criminal, world leader, or celebrity ever been taken seriously in human history? Do you really think some pithy meatbag straining and squatting out their peepees or poopoos exudes cerebral gravitas and intimidating energy? (Yes. Do you really wanna visualize Clint Eastwood death glaring you from fifty paces while he marks his territory? Terrifying shit.) IS smegma a viable cruelty free alternative to cheese? (No. Move along. Wash those damn foreskin folds already. No hands may be touching them beyond your own but do you really wanna resign yourself to this?)
Antinatalist GANG GANG Is climate change a good enough reason to not have kids? I really don’t see myself quitting alcohol for 9 months straight.
(Climate change or not is there really any good enough reason to resign another poor soul to some disgusting cage of bone & carbon that they never asked for? Couple odd regrettable decades of listless workweeks, family gatherings, toils, soils, colds, smells, hairs, regrets, mucus, IBS, embarrassment, and waking up resignedly in the mirror and nodding to yourself “this is it”? There’s plenty of little shits soiling their diapers and peepeepooing up the place at Mommy and Daddy’s behest. Raise that next glass to not raising another one.)
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Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019
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PAGE A7
“Wait did you guys know people think Americans are DUMB??”
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The Medium is about to get WORSE
To Be Read on the Toilet While You Poop
Soon You'll Be Taking Notes for 2 Again <3
A Comprehensive Review of Luxembourg City By: Throbbin Williams
Local Listings and Great Finds Need someone to teach my kid how to drive. Damn state took my license after my most recent DUI. I can get around by tractor but that don't do the buy much good. Can pay in Skoal. Contact: zfox23@gmail.com
You were a brunette. 5 foot 8. Wearing plaid. Skin white like snow. Standing still like a statue, looking at me through the window. This is the mall. Contact: statueluvr@aol.com
Looking for someone to give me a lobotomy. Willing to negotiate on price. Will provide all supplies and snacks for you. We can do this in my garage. Contact: makemybrainstop@gmail.com
High-ku
Beige safari hat Pumpkin spice apple orchard Christian girl fall
Luxembourg city is a place composed entirely of dead ends and shops nobody can afford. One might think that the wealthiest country per capita in Europe would have lots of great things to do. One would be wrong. One would be so fucking wrong. The first red flag is best seen when pulling up to the P+R Bouillon bus stop and seeing... nothing. Stepping off the bus an overwhelming feeling of lostness will wash over you. This is normal. Power through it until you find one of the very expensive cafes, and pay € 8 for a litre of beer. Four times the price of a similary sized beer at Olive Branch. Once your stomach is full and your wallet is empty, it's time for everything to start closing. At 3pm. The perfect time to start sight seeing. Wandering the city is a task. Not only is it one of the hilliest places on the fucking planet, it's also choc-full of beautiful cobblestone paths that, if you're bad with directions, double as a fully functional labrynth. At the end of the labryth though is a grand prize: you can look at a castle. Holy SHIT. After about 30 seconds of staring at the magnificant structure you'll get bored (because who actually gives a fuck?) and now it's time for the most exciting part of your trip. It's time to find somewhere to sleep. Finding a hostel shouldn't be a challenge, right? Wrong again, idiot. Here's something to remember: Book. Your shit. In advance. I cannot stress this enough. If you don't, the one hostel in the city will fill up and you'll walk the streets until your 2 am bus. What about airbnb, you ask? Absolutely fuck off. This entire country is one big tax haven. If you can afford an airbnb for the night, put this paper down and go find a service job and learn how the world actually works. The rest of the evening should be nice and relaxing. The most popular way to spend time in Luxembourg after midnight is either sleeping or sitting on a park bench waiting for the bus. The bus stop is at least well lit and heavily populated, because everyone is desperate to get the fuck out of Luxembourg. Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium Join The Medium
October 22th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com PORTS
LOCAL COLLEGE STUDENT MEMORIZES EVERY GEICO AD WHILE WAITING FOR NBA SEASON
SAVE 15% OR MORE ON YOUR CAR INSURANCE You're goddamn right we sold out BY FLICK BOOGER
With the 2019-2020 NBA season barely a day old, there has been nothing but hype for the upcoming 8 months. In what has been called the greatest
preseason ever, there have been numerous trades injuries that have arguably shaken up the equilibrium of the game – most notably Kawhi Leonard’s and Paul George’s move to LA, and Kevin Durant’s
season-ending injury and move to Brooklyn. With balance finally restored to the NBA kingdom, fans are eager to begin rooting for their team, and shitting on everyone else who do not concur with them. With over 1 billion fans across the globe, that’s a lot of shit. Waste Management Inc. has released a statement where they say they plan on “shifting into maximum overdrive”. In terms of fans, the NBA has the whole gamut – from diehard loyal, to perennial bandwagoners. One particular fan has caught some press recently. Tyler Mcgee of Rutgers University has claimed that he has memorized every, single Geico commercial from the beginning of time. When asked how he achieved this incredible feat, he said that he had spent the last week glued to his TV in preparation for the start of the NBA season. “Yeah, I know the real games don’t start until Tuesday, but I just wanted to prepare myself y’know? I wanted to condition
my girlfriend, because trust me, I will be a dick for the next 8 months”. To test out whether or not Mcgee’s claim to fame was a farce, The Medium decided to ask him a couple of questions. A sample question asked was, “When the cavemen are dining at a restaurant with Geico’s CEO, what does the first one order”? The answer, which Mcgee immediately answered, was roast duck with mango salsa. Because Mcgee’s unusual rise to the top of Reddit was unconventional, there were many haters. Some people said, “Why don’t you get a ducking life you duck”, to which McGee responded, “why don’t you rediscover autocorrect you tit”. Despite the trolls, Mcgee’s life has not hit rock bottom. Geico has reached out to Mcgee and has offered him a 4 year Geico commercial deal worth upwards of $10 million. According to our calculations, he will hit rock bottom after blowing his first paycheck on coke.
10 Things You Will Remember Rutgers Football 2019-2020: By the Numbers About the Yankees BY FLICK BOOGER
6
1 They faced the Astros (again)
2 They were so close (again)
3
Fuck Correa (again)
4
Fuck Altuve (again)
5 lineup was
Their (again)
stacked
258-51
25
I cried (again)
7
Minutes Spent trying to find meaningful statistics
Rutgers was outscored by its opponents so far
0
100
RIP (again)
8 Stuck with an ALDS win
Meaningful found
9 #Chokersofthe2010s (again) 10 Time to cheer for the astros in the WS (again)
statistics
1-6
Record of the great football team
Commercializing our Culture SINCE 1970
Parents who showed up to watch their sons get destroyed
Infinity
Endless Amount of Time since Rutgers beat a B10 schoo