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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 23rd, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ LEARNING HAS NEVER MADE ME SO HORNY
UPDATE GIVES SAKAI USERS ACCESS TO PORNHUB PENN A. TRAYSHUN ONLY WITH CONSENT
It was supposed to be a routine update. It was not. When Sakai came back online this morning, a new tab appeared in the list of courses. Some students did not know it linked to Pornhub. Our reporters spoke with Jessica, a religion major with a specialization in heavenly imagery. “I was taken aback when I clicked on the tab and saw a giant black phallus. I was expecting more resources to analyze the psalm MAYBE I'LL ACTUALLY CHECK MY GRADES NOW that discusses the importance of Probably not lol chastity. All I saw was a whitish This new update has affected all of the LX drivers are flooding goo land on a naked woman’s the bus routes quite dramatically. the website to wank in the College face.” Instead of the typical 10-minute Ave bathrooms. I bet you will have According to our reporters, shit and smoke break, bus drivers no problem staying far behind the Jessica is a fucking idiot because are now beating one out in the fucking white line on the bus now, the tab is clearly labeled as COCKS student center bathrooms too. right? SUCKED DRY. We have no There have been instances where In another development, Sakai goddamn clue how she missed Sakai has crashed because literally is now partnering with Budweiser. that. Continued on Page 2
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TBH
JESUS WALKS ON RARITAN, TRIPS ON FLOATING FISH CORPSE ANNA KREAMINA A MORE INTERSTING READ
New Brunswick, NJArnold Karner, began his day as he usually would. By 7 a.m., he was perched on the edge of the Raritan River, fishing line in the water, awaiting his next catch from the giant toxic toilet that is Rutgers’s main attraction. Karner eats the fish he catches from these questionable waters every day. He can no longer walk in a straight line and, over the course of the past year, a few of his toes have fallen off, but still, he persists. He stood there on the bank, and, as usual, watched Jesus emerge in a ball of light and descend gracefully upon the river. Only this time, it wasn’t a hallucination brought on by the high sewage content of the fish.
HE IS RISEN! NO WAIT HE’S DOWN AGAIN. THROW HIM A FLOATY
On the morning of October 20th, security footage from Rutgers campus does in fact show Jesus Christ himself descending from the heavens and appearing, in the flesh, on the banks of the Ol’ Raritan. The footage shows him taking his
first steps, across the water. But the power of his eternal love and moral fortitude was no match for New Jersey’s #1 part-trashcan-partwaterway. He almost immediately slipped on an eyeless floating fish Continued on Page 2
Takin' Fat Rips Since 1970
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