This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
JAN. 30tH, 2019
Volume LVII Issue I 50¢ A SWIPE OF FATE?
TWO MILLENIALS WHO ACCIDENTALLY SWIPED RIGHT WITHOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER GET MARRIED NIFTY KNITTER A QUICK KNIT
NEW BRUNSWICK— It was pure accident, against both of their intentions. After Allie Martin and Paul Dorner laid eyes on each other’s profile pictures in the app Tinder, they immediately knew they were wrong for each other. “He’s not my type, his profession says entertainer and his favorite song is Mr. Brightside,” Allie explained. “She’s a blonde and she likes the outdoors. I mean she’s standing on a mountain in her profile picture” Paul lamented. There is no way it should have worked out. But late one night as Allie was perusing the app for the next person to be her short-term significant other, her thumb went lazy. As she dragged her
A MATCH MADE IN THE INTERNET Swept their way to the aisle.
finger leftward across Paul’s face, something went wrong. At first she didn’t notice the fatal error, until a few seconds after accidentally swiping right on Paul, their pictures both jumped on the screen. At the very
moment Paul’s picture surfaced on Allie’s screen, her picture appeared on his phone. Paul was taking his daily nighttime bowel movement which meant he was on his phone doing his daily cutie hunt. He allotted Continued on Page 2
A HAIR TOO CLOSE...
LOCAL MAN SHAVES OFF FACIAL TISSUE TO PERMANENTLY BOYCOTT GILLETTE MANUEL C. HODE SHORT BUT SWEET
PEMBERTON— For nearly three weeks, the internet has been responding with uproarious fervor toa controversial Gillette razor commercial. The short, which has garnered over 26 million views and 1.2 million dislikes on YouTube, addresses social issues such as masculinity, bullying, sexual harassment, and the #MeToo movement, but not all are happy with it’s commentary, which has spurred negative backlash and boycott across the country. Recently, an area man has gone above and beyond with his own drastic form of protest. Clevon Delmont-Beau is a
THIS MAN HAS SHARP CONVICTIONS No shadow at any hour.
47-year old part-time welder and chronic opiate user, fulltime Facebook philosopher, and proud red-blooded Catholic family values man whom was
simply appalled at the content of the advert. I was able to catch up with him at a nearby Level 1 trauma center, where Continued on Page 2
UNDER YOUR SKIN Since 1970
QUICKIES
Perv Contractor Installs Stall Door Crack Right in Front of Toilet Twitter Personality Survives Fifteenth Consecutive Cancelling Nerds Talk Loud Unoriginal NFL Doing Superbowl Again?! Whose Girl IS Billie Jean? Local Man at a Loss for Words???? Study Shows You Will Live Longer if You Call Your Significant Other Babycakes and Mean It High School Dropout Drops In to Say Hi