This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
September 25th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF DESPERATION?
DWAYNE JOHNSON TO STAR AS JOE BIDEN IN BIOPIC RICHARD HERTZ CORNPOPPED
Hollywood, CA- Following an abysmal performance in the past three debates, Joe Biden’s campaign is getting desperate as he continues to lose more and more support. In a last ditch effort to garner support, his campaign officials have decided to go in a rather unprecedented direction. Using the oodles and oodles of Super Pac money, as well as funds generously donated by the ultrarich, the campaign has enlisted the help of Hollywood in order to drum up some much needed buzz. The film is based on the former Vice President’s anecdote detailing his encounter with Cornpop, a local gang member known to carry a razorblade. As a demonstration that he is willing to work with Republicans, the Biden team have enlisted Battleship director Michael
Greta Thunberg Too Cool for School
Earth Unfortunately Not Cool Enough to
JOE JOHNSON? Dwayne Biden?
Bay to direct the flick. The decision was lambasted by liberals and conservatives alike; when asked for comment on the matter, Bay told reporters “I just really really really like money.”. The film is slated to star Dwayne Johson as the beefy young
Joe Biden taking on Cornpop, who in this telling is a Giant CGI box of Cornpops bent on destroying America. There has been some concern over how Dwayne Johnson is to pull off the role. In an exclusive with the film’s PR team, we uncovered that Biden's Continued on Page 2
THE BEST PART OF YOUR GEORGE STREET BAR CRAWL
GEORGE STREET SAXOPHONE GUY GOES TO CARNEGIE HALL HARRY NUTTSAAC NOT HAIRY ENOUGH
Our favorite homeless guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves! After years of playing beautiful jazz into dark, dirty New Brunswick nights, Saxophone Guy has been called upon to play at Carnegie Hall. A representative from the fine musical establishment was walking along the streets of New Brunswick, trying to find the prostitute with fewest STDs, but he ended up finding something much better: a desperate homeless man. Normally this story would end in a predictable and sticky way, but this time around, a man is getting a second chance to achieve his dreams. Since first being discovered,
QUICKIES
MERMOMS ARE MOMS, TOO! Gills and a career? You can have it all!
Saxophone Guy has blown up, causing a surge in #jazz, #saxophoneguy, and #talentedhomelesspeople across all social media platforms.
Believe it or not, Jaden Smith even tweeted about him, saying, “Is Saxophone Guy playing the saxophone, or is the saxophone
Butt Sniffing Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
Justin Trudeau is Actually in White Face All the Time. Student Found Dead After Waiting 54 Years for LX Driver on Break Homeless Man Eats His Own Muffin Top. We Know What Kind of Porn You Watch, You Sick Fuck Quickies: Faster than Slowies Military Sniper Desperate to Hide Past as Kids Show Host