February 26th, 2020 @TheMedium themedium.submissions@ gmail.com SPORTS and other things like penis hairs and stuff
JOE BURROW’S BABY HANDS TO PREVENT HIM FROM ENTERING THE NFL AND JACKING OFF However, the potential future stars career ended Monday before he was even drafted to an NFL team. At the NFL combine in Indianapolis, Burrow’s hands measured in at 9 inches. While that would be a sufficient dick length, it would not be an okay size for an NFL quarterback hand. Realizing his career as an NFL QB was over, Burrow promptly tweeted “Considering retirement after I was informed the football will be slipping out of my tiny hands. Please keep me in your thoughts.” With his NFL career over- Burrow faced another problem as BURROW FLEXING HIS BABY HANDS well. He realized he may not be able to jerk off himself with his hands so small. first pick in the 2020 NFL BY BENGALS HATER 101 draft. After his campaign LSU, Burrow had always Joe Burrow, following with the Tigers ended with At been a pussy magnet, and a Heisman Trophy and his phenomenal graduate thus had never had the need National Championship, season at Louisiana State to jerk off on his own. With most expected Burrow to be University, was expected his NFL career off the rails a surefire star in the NFL. by most analysts to be the
and Burrow no longer having the magnetic pull to bring pussy towards him, Burrow was going to need to start pleasuring himself in some way. With 9 inch hands, that was not possible. Reigning Super Bowl MVP Patrick Mahomes tweeted at Burrow “My small hands are doing alright so far....i believe in ya,” though Mahomes has a wife, and thus does not have to worry about the jacking off problem. Similar sentiments were expressed by Kyler Murray, who informed Burrow that some years it is okay to go without jacking off. Burrow disagreed, and was beginning to feel an odd sensation in his penis that needed to be addressed ASAP. At press time, Burrow was looking around for local prostitutes to hire to help jack him off.
13 Things to Know about the NFL New Playoff Format: By the Numbers Rutgers Men’s Basketball Team BY PENN STATE BURNER 420
1. They hope to miss the First Four of the NCAA tournament by one spot so they can be ranked No. 69 in the nation (haha get it bc of the sex position) 2. Their consecutive key losses to Michigan and Wisconsin were an attempt to recreate the success of the football team this season 3. The players have been banned from frat parties at Rutgers since they steal all the girls every time they go 4. Myles Johnson will be time traveling next week back to the 1970s with his pork chop beard 5. However Myles Johnson, if you pick a copy of this up in the Livingston Student Center and are reading this, I love you 6. 9 7. Geo Baker plans on entering transfer portal in order to leave the team to work at a Bakery 8. The Sports Writer of this article received his first strike of three before he is kicked out of this paper due to the weakness of the above joke 9. Akwasi Yeboah will reportedly transform into a Boa constrictor later in the season 10. Coach Steve Pikiell plans to turn into a pike before the next game 11. The last two lines of this were weak puns and the writer of this article just received his second strike 12. Mamadou Doucoure (that was the joke)
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Fans who asked for the change
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69
Times the editor of this page will try to throw in 69 jokes that aren’t funny due to his immaturity
1 Billion
Cowboys franchise that still will not be winning their first Superbowl in decades
Dollars in extra revenue the NFL will get from the 2 extra games, in which 3 players die of CTE related complications
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7th seeded teams that will get eliminated in the first round
Writing super accurate sports news SINCE 1970
Live streams will be done by Antonio Brown blaming the new format on the return of White Women
