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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 26th, 2020
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, I'LL DO ANYTHING
PETE BUTTIGIEG ANNOUNCES HE’S GOING BACK IN THE CLOSET TO WIDEN BASE ANNA KAREAMINA POLITICAL ANALIST
South Bend, Indiana -- Democratic Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg has announced he is going back in the closet to gain support for his campaign. He made the announcement after hearing the results of the Nevada caucus, saying at a press conference, “It was tough, but I have made the decision to re-enter the closet. Everyone, meet my new wife Martha”. Buttigieg took only 14.3% of the vote in the Nevada caucus, further distancing himself from frontrunner Bernie Sanders. This came as a disappointment to the Buttigieg campaign and pushed him to take this drastic measure. During the entirety of the speech, new wife Martha stood by his side, but 1.5 yards away. Needless to say, reporters had
some questions for the candidate. One reporter asked, “Do you still identify as gay?”, to which Buttigieg responded, “Yes except now you don’t know that”. Another asked, “What about your husband?”, to which Buttigieg said, “I will visit him on the weekends, but I will be
spending the majority of my time with Martha and little Benny”. He motioned to a confused-looking ten year old behind him, whom the crowd assumed to now be his son. But when reporters shifted their attention to Martha to ask her questions like, “Who Continued on Page 2
WHO'S MORE SCARED, THE RICH OR THE RICH'S?
NATION'S RICHARDS SWITCH TO DICK: 'NO ONE WANTS TO EAT THE DICKS" THROBBIN WILLIAMS IN CONSTANT PAIN
at The Rich is a movement E sweeping the nation in the months approaching the 2020 presidential election. Bernie Bro reply guys and HotGirls4Bernie alike have a hankering for delectable billionaire flesh. The only group that isn’t super stoked on this trend, aside from billionaires, their pundits, and most of middle America, is the nation’s population of Richards. There are an estimated 2.7 million Richards in the states who are currently living in perpetual fear of being eaten. “I wake up every morning and see hundreds of tweets trending with ‘Eat The Rich’ and that scares me because I’m Rich.” said Rich Smarth, 37, of Des Moines, Iowa.
Mr. Smith isn’t the only Richard out there afraid of being eaten. According to posts under #donoteatrichard, there are thousands of people named Richard who want an explanation. “I just don’t get it,” asks Richard Meyer, 22, of Edison, NJ “Why do people want to eat me?”
Most concerning to the group, calling themselves “The Stinky Inedible Dicks”, are people walking the streets in “Eat The Rich” shirts. Sources report that nearly 45% of all Richards have already started going by ‘Dick’ on all social media platforms, and 24% have legally Continued on Page 2
Licken' and Pleasin' Since 1970
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