The Medium 2/26/2020

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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY

February 26th, 2020

VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, I'LL DO ANYTHING

PETE BUTTIGIEG ANNOUNCES HE’S GOING BACK IN THE CLOSET TO WIDEN BASE ANNA KAREAMINA POLITICAL ANALIST

South Bend, Indiana -- Democratic Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg has announced he is going back in the closet to gain support for his campaign. He made the announcement after hearing the results of the Nevada caucus, saying at a press conference, “It was tough, but I have made the decision to re-enter the closet.

Everyone, meet my new wife Martha”. Buttigieg took only 14.3% of the vote in the Nevada caucus, further distancing himself from frontrunner Bernie Sanders. This came as a disappointment to the Buttigieg campaign and pushed him to take this drastic measure.

During the entirety of the speech, new wife Martha stood by his side, but 1.5 yards away.

Needless to say, reporters had

some questions for the candidate.

One reporter asked, “Do you still identify as gay?”, to which Buttigieg responded, “Yes except now you don’t know that”. Another asked, “What about your husband?”, to which Buttigieg said, “I will visit him on the weekends, but I will be

spending the majority of my time with Martha and little Benny”. He motioned to a confused-looking ten year old behind him, whom the crowd assumed to now be his son. But when reporters shifted their attention to Martha to ask her questions like, “Who Continued on Page 2

WHO'S MORE SCARED, THE RICH OR THE RICH'S?

NATION'S RICHARDS SWITCH TO DICK: 'NO ONE WANTS TO EAT THE DICKS" THROBBIN WILLIAMS IN CONSTANT PAIN

at The Rich is a movement E sweeping the nation in the months approaching the 2020 presidential election. Bernie Bro reply guys and HotGirls4Bernie alike have a hankering for delectable billionaire flesh.

The only group that isn’t super stoked on this trend, aside from billionaires, their pundits, and most of middle America, is the nation’s population of Richards. There are an estimated 2.7 million Richards in the states who are currently living in perpetual fear of being eaten.

“I wake up every morning and see hundreds of tweets trending with ‘Eat The Rich’ and that scares me because I’m Rich.” said Rich Smarth, 37, of Des Moines, Iowa.

Mr. Smith isn’t the only Richard out there afraid of being eaten.

According to posts under #donoteatrichard, there are thousands of people named Richard who want an explanation.

“I just don’t get it,” asks Richard Meyer, 22, of Edison, NJ “Why do people want to eat me?”

Most concerning to the group, calling themselves “The Stinky Inedible Dicks”, are people walking the streets in “Eat The Rich” shirts.

Sources report that nearly 45% of all Richards have already started going by ‘Dick’ on all social media platforms, and 24% have legally Continued on Page 2

Licken' and Pleasin' Since 1970

QUICKIES

Breaking: You Forgot Black History Month Richie Rich Named Bloomberg Running Mate Local Children Started Won't Stoppin Again Nestle Bottling Spit of Disadvantaged Youths, Salty Impossible Meat Upgraded to Improbable Meat Local Man Asks Japanese Man to Speak Chinese Student Studying Abroad in Europe Super Fuckin' Woke Corona Virus Better With Lymes, CDC

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NEWS

"I'm not not horny, just on Prozac"

SNEAKY PETE

Wednesday, February 26th, 2020

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SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA BE A DICK

EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT are you?”, “How long have you and Mr. Buttigieg been married”, and “Who is that child?”, she did not respond. She just nodded and looked at Buttigieg until he spoke for her. By the end of the conference it became apparent that Martha could not speak English and very possibly had no idea what was going on.

Since the announcement several hours ago, polls show that Buttigieg’s standing has not changed much. If anything, it seems he has lost support. Instead of being appeased, much of the United States population seems confused by the announcement.

When asked directly via a telephone survey what they

...continued from front

thought of the announcement, 35% of voters categorized their feelings as “Confused”, 47% were “Disappointed”, and 33% were “Pleased”. This is obviously not the outcome Buttigieg was seeking. Additionally, the Medium is aware that these results add up to 115% and believes it may have inadvertently discovered extraterrestrial life.

NEXT WEEK OLD MAN WETTING HIS MOUTH OR SOMEONE MASTURBATING

GEN Z CHILDREN SAFE

...continued from front

changed their name.

“No one wants to eat a Dick.” said Dick Venitio, 66, of New York.

Courts are currently overwhelmed with requests for formal name changes. County court clerk Courtney Clark reports that she has had to stay late every night for the last three weeks to process all the requests.

“This just goes to show how scared the Riches are” she told us.

Some Richards just can’t accept having to become a Dick, and are opting to move off the grid.

“I never wanted to be a Dick, but I also don’t want to be eaten. So it looks like I’ll have to move far away from everyone to an isolated

area where I can be Rich in peace,” an anonymous Rich told us in a private interview “It’s scary times if you’re Rich right now.”

WE'LL CATCH IF YOU WANNA PITCH ;) COME TO THE BOARD ROOM AT THE LIVI STUDENT CENTER WEDNESDAY 7:45 WE'LL BE LIMBER IF YOU ARE

ON THE BANKS OF THE OLD RARITAN

AREA MAN LOCALLY STRUCK AND KILLED BY LX BUS, LIVING THE DREAM SUE DENYM IS IT SOMEONE NEW?

An overwhelming number of students have been struck by Rutgers buses since the onset of the Spring semester. Contrary to what most people think, these are no mere accidents but, rather, attempts at getting free tuition from the university.

A representative from the Division of Student Affairs said that students are entitled to free tuition if they happen to be hit by a university vehicle. With there being so much ambiguity in what it means to be ‘hit’, Rutgers

students are taking advantage of this particular loop hole.

In order to better understand the current situation, students have collectively voiced their reasoning behind their involvement in this sudden dangerous trend.

“I don’t want to have to pay off my student loans until I’m like eighty. If that means getting rid of my debt this way, then so be it,” said Rutgers freshman, Ariel Dumbass, before promptly throwing himself in front of an incoming LX. “I plan on living a long and happy life”.

He immediately died on impact.

Though tragic, his death was not for nothing. His family has received word from the university that, even though their son’s remains are still being wiped off Easton Ave, they no longer have to pay tuition for their son.

LIVI DINING HALL INSIDER Are we allowed to spit at the employees?

"Only with consent, but that doesn't seem to stop most of you bastards anyway."

-

-Why do the vacuums sound like death?

"It's the only way to keep the Livi Cats from taking the building."

-Do the employees like it when we make cool artwork with our dirty plates and garbage?

"Fun Fact, If I ever see you do this and then see you outside the dining hall, I'm going feral on your ass."

-What is the latest I can stay?

"That information is classified, but eventually you'll start to spot some increasingly passive aggressive behavior, culminating in two workers circling you with vacuums."

DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? WRITE SOMETHING BETTER! EMAIL ME THAT SHIT BOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC BOARD ROOM

Editorial Staff

Spring 2020

Editors-in-Chief Zachary Fox Business Manager

Vickram Singh Shaina Joseph

Mascot Long-Island Medium Content Creator Anne Somalwar

News Editors Samuel Hammer Dan Cretella Opinions Editor Quinlan Van Es Arts Editor Dhvani Mashru Personals Editor Brendan Suszynski Page A7 Editor Conor Johnston Features Editor Kelly Manniello

Sports Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Media Producer Resident Douche

Doug Willig Jacob Sclar Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner Michael Celletti Michael Bloomberg

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to cupcakKe.

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FEATURES

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“Before you were anything, you were a butthole.”

JUST TELL ME WHEN (WITH PARMESAN CHEESE)

Top 10 Italian Baby Names of 2020 By: PP Harding

OMG CHAIN EMAILS, THAT'S SO ME <3

Asstrology: What Hoax are you Most Like?

By: Heywood Jablomi Snake oil peddler

Aries: Jersey Devil. Much like the flamingo-dragon-goat thing said to inhabit South Jersey, you’re also a feral creature who likes screaming.

Taurus: Anti-vax. You started out as a little lie meant to stir up business, and now you’re responsible for one of the most dangerous health crises in recent history. Asshole.

Gemini: Mars Hoax. Congratulations, you’re very good at convincing people of random nonsense on Facebook. Go make a ton of money or something.

1. Gabagool What the absolute fuck is gabagool you may ask? It’s actually a delightful cold cut formally known as capicola. Capicola is in the salami family as basically a cross between sausage and prosciutto. Much like its other saltcured relatives, it is seasoned with a variety of flavors like wine, garlic, and paprika, stuffed into a meat-based casing, then smoked, slow-roasted, and hung up to dry for 6 months.

2. Fettuccine Spaghetti’s thicker, sexier cousin. Most well known for being accompanied by a thick, sexy alfredo sauce, this pasta is easily slurped down in its creamy goodness. If any of this reminds you of a baby, please do not have children.

3. Fongool An Italian-American slang word that means FUCK and specifically translates to “go do it in the ass”. What better way to welcome your baby into the world than by naming it after what you wish you’d done in the first place?

4. Cannoli A sweet name for your sweet little angel. Known for its mention in the improvised line, “Leave the gun. Take the cannolis.” in the iconic mafia franchise, “The Godfather”- an Italian-American classic. Speaking of, I could really go for one right now...or two...or ten. You know what? Just get me a bowl of ricotta with fucking chocolate chips in it.

5. Cavone Refers to someone who is rude and coarse, can also be referred to as a pig. Who is more rude than a newborn baby? Pink and squealing at all hours of the night, keeping you up. Rolling around in their own poopoo, what a cavone.

6. Fogettabouta Like having free time and doing things for yourself? After that baby comes, FOGETTABOUTA! You won’t even have time to wipe that tomato sauce that your baby just burped up onto your back cause they will die if you look away for a single second.

7. The Godfather II The story of a young boy from Sicily becoming one of the most respected mafia dons in New York. This is a strong name to live up to, so feel free to start your baby in the life of crime and murder young for an easier transition later in life.

8. Ravioli A name fitting of your newborn Italian dumpling, this name originates from the pasta and is perfect for babies. They look like they’re about burst out of those mushy lumps that are supposedly their arms and legs and just ooze ricotta cheese everywhere.

9. Fredo Not to be confused with the N-word for Italians, this name comes from everybody’s favorite character from The Godfather, Vito Corleone’s shitty, desperate, backstabbing son, Fredo Corleone. I know it’s a boy, Fredo.

10. The Sopranos AYY OHH WHOA! This name is more of an umbrella for classic Italian names such as Tony, Silvio, Paulie, and Big Pussy. Whichever one you choose, it all sounds the same to non-Italians, so make it easier for them and just tell them your baby’s name is The Sopranos (one word with a space in the middle).

Another commonality for couples is to change their last name to Sopranos, and just name the baby “The”.

Cancer: Chain emails. You’re a viral marketing genius, but you need to study how to make sure your target audience remembers you after the fact.

Leo: Microsoft acquisition hoax. You’re funny as shit and are great at gathering an audience.

Virgo: All virgins have a hymen. The vagina doesn’t get loose after lots of sex, either. Read a fucking wikipedia article, meathead.

Libra: Goop. Fuck you.

Scorpio: War of the Worlds. You had no intention of making anyone panic, but people panicked nevertheless. Don’t feel bad, this isn’t your fault.

Sagittarius: Pluto. We all know you don’t exist, dude, NASA exposed you years ago. Stop pretending.

Capricorn: Bigfoot. Sorry dude, you don’t photograph well.

Aquarius: Atlantis. In other words, a catfish. You make yourself seem really interesting at first but then you’re just a letdown.

Pisces: Astrology. You’re immensely popular for no reason. How the fuck is your birth month supposed to determine your personality or your future? Idiot.

IDK WHAT I'M DOING EITHER

Making Pasta: By an Idiot, For Idiots By: Harry Nuttsaac

1) Get some flour and some water and some yeast straight from the source (your ma's vajajay, oh!)

2) Um, maybe you pull it out of the bowl and put it on a slab, but you have to put some more flour on it first, so it don't stick 3) Roll that shit out nice and flat, but not too flat, just flat enough 4) Cut that shit into strips about as thin as my dick, so super super super thin. Like, thinner than a pencil. Pencildick is a compliment 5) Boil that shit, but only to the point where when you pull it out and taste it it burns the inside of your mouth.

6) Serve it to your whole family. They'll be disgraced by the horrible excuse for pasta that they'll never ask you to do it again, so mission accomplished!

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OPINIONS

"An anagram of 'Jesus Christ' is 'I Just Shrec.'"

UNIVERSITY VOICES

Do you think the psychic rodent got it right this year?

"Honestly, whoever listens to a rodent about anything must be sick in the head."

Gerald Bumson Worried his ass gerbil will start talking

"I mean, it has kinda started to get warm again..."

Melanie Dipshit Being as nonconfrontational as possible

"Phil is all knowing. I would and do trust him with every fiber of my being. All hail the groundhog!"

NOT hypnotized by the large rat

PLEASE SHUT TF UP

Can You Stop Saying Racist Shit and Just Drive Me Home?

BY BURT MIDDLER

Many of us have been there, we've had one too many drinks, we're too scared to drive ourselves home even though we know we totally could, so we reluctantly call an Uber, knowing it's gonna be a financial and emotional disaster. The car pulls up (I never learned car species, so I go off that little picture they give), and the front bumper sticker has a Trump sticker. Not a MAGA sticker, one of the super crazy ones that say shit like "Trump could fuck my asshole and I would love it because it's for my country."

You know this whole thing is gonna be one of the worst rides, especially when you hop in, he squints a little, and then says, "You're not one a those minortitties, are ya? Cuz ya kinda look a little Black-ish, the ABC critically acclaimed TV series, to me." I mean, just look at my picture, I'm one of the honkiest fucks I know, so I tell him no, I'm all Irish.

After cracking a couple of potato jokes and pulling out a couple slurs I didn't even know existed for Irish people, he got into the really horrible shit. I mean, the stuff he was saying would embarass the most bigoted member of the GOP, maybe even Joe Biden, too. Fuck, what I would've done to get out of that situation, but I was at the mercy of this raging sociopath. Who knows what he would have done to me if I spoken up in the defense of the people he was defaming. So, I settled for letting him drive me home, killing him, chopping him up in my garage, and using him as fertilizer.

Wednesday, February 26h, 2020

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I TOLD YOU HE WAS A MONSTER

I Caught My Brother Eating Dog Shit

BY AN OLDER BROTHER

It was the middle of the night, I was walking to the kitchen to get a cup of water when out of the window, I saw him. He was hunched over like some sickly monster, like a vampire holding his prey. But he was holding a piece of poop! Instead of a pretty lady with a single nipple exposed.

Why is that, that vampires only attack women with their nipples exposed? The same thing with Michael Myers! What is it, that all of the blood goes to their dicks and they can't control themselves anymore? "Ugh, pretty booby, must destroy!" Bunch of fucking perverts.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my brother was eating dog shit from the back yard. I turned on the light for the back porch and he hissed like the little demon spawn he is, then he spread his wings and flew off into the night in search of more doggy doo-doo to munch on. Nobody has ever believed me when I told them my brother was a horrible monster, but now that he's been sighted in five counties eating dog poop, sometimes right as it drops from their butts, people are starting to believe that he might not be as perfect as everyone thought. Finally, I'm the favorite grandchild, and it only took my brother becoming a local cryptid.

PORN REALLY BRINGS THE FAMILY TOGETHER

How I Learned I had a Step-bro From Watching Pornhub

BY JIMMY HOFFA, NOT THE FAMOUS ONE

My mom is a very loving and caring woman and is normally an open book. I practically know everything about her. The only thing she would never tell me is what she did for work. She repeatedly reminded me that it was only to protect me and I always assumed she was a spy or something, because she's such a cool mom. I was mortified by that not only not being the truth, but that there were many other secrets she was keeping from me.

After a long school day, I got home and had to urinate, but I was also super horny and needed to unwind.

I like holding in my pee while I jerk off because it turns me on, don't ask why, it's just my thing. I can write a whole 'nother article about it. So there I was, jerkning off, browsing the hub in my living room, Winnie-thePoohing it. I, of course, had it set to incest porn because it's popular. I'm not a freak, everyone watches it now, you judgemental fucks. As I was saying, I came across this one video where the woman looked just like my mom.

I, of course, had to watch it for research purposes. Then, suddenly, I realized if this is step-mom porn then the guy in the video must be my step-bro! How could my mom do this? How could she not tell me I had a step brother?!?

I attempted to confront her and she claimed it was an actor and I was disgusted by her lies. There is no way he was an actor because the video was titled "Real Step-mom fucks step-son featuring this very famous and prolific porno actress." I will forever search for my brother who, as of now, is un-named because my mother only addressed him as step-son through the whole video.

Wednesday, February 26h, 2020

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ARTS

“I'm minoring in Bitch”

RUDOTS: REVIEW BY GUY VON CUNT

GOTW: RUDOTS BY A BROKE BITCH

After years of toiling away, interviewing pretentious “artists” and listening to their esoteric ramblings, writing art criticism devoid of art, I am done. I quit the Art gig.

What’s the point of looking for inspiration when this is the community you reveal your work too. It’s just tourists posing as weekend art enthusiasts, peddling more garbage opinions into the bourgeois zeitgeist. That’s why I’m switching to a much more fulfilling market— College Students!

Now to the review. This magnificent piece of beauty brings the point across immediately with it’s bright red comic ride lines, perfectly thick and thin on all the right curves and edges. It is a wonderfully healthy cartoon cock.

It also has a beautiful mane that fits on a sturdy boy. It's RUDots, in the flesh!

This seemingly simplistic piece draws from the endless emotional reservoir that inhabits Rutgers Staff, Faculty, and Students. RUPD just drive around parking lots, snooping for illegally parked cars, when the only free parking being at the Visitor Center on Busch campus. Who the fuck wants to go all the way to Busch Campus! You can’t even walk from the goddamn parking lot, it’s so out of the way. What the fuck Rutgers!

RUDots is a dick, a leaky faucet of a dick. And the thing it’s dripping is so many goddamn parking tickets. The symbolism aggressively conveys the matter that plagues the heart of this revolutionary artist, nay, QUEEN! God Save this Queen from all these damn parking tickets.

HANNAH BY HANNAH

HERE IS A GENTLE REMINDER TO DRINK WATER! P.S. COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM

PISCES SZN BY MARY JANE

SOME NOTES ABOUT DEATH

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the Medium Politics

Why aren't people voting for who I tell them to?

(Have you tried becoming an affluent billionaire oligarch and bribing them? Or taking the bribes of billionaire oligarchs to design an app to vote for them?)

Why are young people so mean?

(Continual ecological, economic, and existential anxiety will do that to a generation.)

What is Amy Klobuchar's stance on assaualt office supplies?

(Definitely a 240 sheet, high capacity staple woman. Wouldn't worry about any harsh sanctions or bans if I were you.)

QQQQQQQQQQQQQ. (Joseph C. Gayetty. World's first commercial toilet paper. Hamster wheel. Selfeating ouroboros.

Escape or doodoo asswipe nigh?

FOLLOW THE MONEY. Q)

PERSONALS

"This page is dedicated to Jake Paul for curing my anxiety!!!!!"

Fuckin Noise

Finally found a brand of earplug that works for blocking noise, but they’re rigid as fuck. How do I make them feel like they aren’t stiff champagne corks pressing down against my brain gunk?

(Just take out your fucking eardrums, coward.)

Wearing earplugs and they still don't drown out my fucking neighbor's manbaby banshee shrieking at COD. What do I do?

(Pencils. In the ear. Can't lose the game if you don't play.)

Can I legally call the RA on my roommate if he won’t stop snoring?

(S.W.A.T. that shit.)

Next door, can you FINALLY fucking shut up? Keep it down after I tell you nicely to keep it down? Work some steam up in that vacuous, refrigator I.Q. chode head? Afford me some PRIVACY in the privacy of my own room?

(Whoah bud. Deep breaths.

Need a hug?)

Word of the Week:

Wenis

n. The first body part I would surgically modify and weaponize for free under a Sanders presidency

TRUE SOLACE MAY ONLY BE KNOWN IN

THE VOID

Health

How can we put the "us" in coronavirus?

(Find a cuddle buddy and spoon under a weighted smallpox blanket together.)

Wednesday, February 26th, 2020

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WEINSTEIN: CELEBS WEIGH IN

I think I have athletes foot but I don’t play a sport.

How is this possible?

(E-sports. Plenty of time for scaly fungus to spread between the toes when you've spent the past three days grinding for the short Draco barrel on your virtual AK in Modern Warfare...

Can't complain about extra company though!)

How healthy is toilet water?

(Not very, especially if it was sourced anywhere near the Raritan. If you've chugged out of a Scott Hall or Lucy Stone stall? Doubly so. Get writing on that will ASAP.) Am I running for exercise or from danger? I forgot.

(Does it make much difference? The guy who trailed you three blocks down Easton is one hell of a motivator either way.)

How long have I been dead?

(We've all been there.

Eventually.)

Miscellaneous Will I ever learn my lesson?

(No you fucking won't. Neither will I. We're all doomed to the same listless, momentary hellscape of hot chip, sadomasochistic humiliation, and never learning the fucking lesson.) ) How do I retrieve my arm from the mountain lion without losing my other arm?

(Fake a throwing motion with your stub. Classic fakeout. Works on my dog, and HE'S an animal, so the end result should be 1:1!)

Can I borrow a pen?

(Sure. Can you spare some serotonin or oxytocin or dopamine feelgood goo in return?)

Should I buy the PS5 or wait for the PS6?

(Two kidneys: two consoles in the future barter economy? Invest and pull those bootstraps wisely.)

(or down here buddy boi!!!!!!)

Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m.

Livingston Student Center Room 109

Wednesday, February 26th, 2020

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"White people be going to the store and stuff."-Richard Pryor

Sorry Geno nerds

Characters I want in the next Smash Bros

By Mr. Leaky Pantz 1) Travis Touchdown 2) Master Chief 3) Mike Tyson 4) Bobby Baccalieri from the Sopranos 5) My cousin Packie 6) Bernie Sanders (with a Larry David echo fighter) 7) Me

We'll Love you Instead :) Pitch Meetings: Livi Student Center Boardroom 7:45-8:45 Production: Livi Student Center Rm 117D Craigslist for perverts I am an archaeologist in search of the fabled wooden dentures that George Washington would use to eat out his wife, Martha. This is an incredibly precious object that cannot fall into the wrong hands. If you stumble upon the bloodied teeth of our first president, please email immediately at EddieEatOut@gmail.com Andrew Yang you bitch motherfucker, I want my 1,000 dollars. I don't care if you dropped out or whatever, I quit my job at the racisim factory thinking I was gonna be rolling in the deep. Now I'm rolling in garbage, cause I live in a dumpster!

If you wanna make this right, email me at XxdingleberryxX@yahoo.com

Hi-ku

I'm a honest man I love respecting women No coochie for me

PAGE A7

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AT LEAST I'M NOT AN ENGLISH MAJOR!

Top 12 things that suck about my job!!!

By Maddie Mori, Mortician & Tiktok Influencer Hey guys! So I’m like, so, sooo grateful to have built up 24,520 followers over the past eight months by literally dancing on the graves of our clientele! And by the morgue lockers and crematoriums too! But sometimes, dabbing over grandma’s dead body isn’t always so clean and peachy keen! Here are some things that AREN’T so fleek about working in the Fenwiek Funeral Home!

12. You can’t talk Jim and Pam, Kim and Kanye, or Libe and Sadge with ANY of the clientele 11. It’s hard to undo decomp for the #Don’tJudgeMeChallenge 10. Naked nanny cadavers can’t Nae Nae to the beat 9. Only AFTER rigor mortis will the muscles drop and the mouth lip sync (and barely on key) 8. It’s such a high key downer vibeeee. Feeling: mournful :^( 7. You can’t bool the Juul on the job :/ (even though NO-BODY’S alive to have a body to worry about, like hellooooo) 6. Organ donors. Intestines are hella slimy and sticky and stinky and moist (ewwwwww HATE that word!!!!!!)

5. Postmortem poopoos & peepees! Stinky!!! (like, can’t you clear it all out and THEN die????)

4. You gotta keyframe those text-box things over EVERY closedcasket TikTok 3. BUMBOCLAAT: People call you an insensitive piece of shit and an exploitative bitch and a lowkey sociopath when you JUST. WANNA. HAVE. FUN! AND. THAT’S. THE. TEA. BET! 2. You gotta dance in a bulky ass hazmat suit around the embalming fluid (formaldehyde stinkyyyyy!!!!!)

1. The realization that all your daily toils and 30-40 hour workweeks will amount to bone and dust and dirt and fertilizer (stinky poopy!) and rigor mortis chubs in the end. Certifiably 1000% NOT lit y’all. Adulting is literally SOOOO hard guys,

February 26th, 2020 @TheMedium themedium.submissions@ gmail.com SPORTS and other things like penis hairs and stuff

JOE BURROW’S BABY HANDS TO PREVENT HIM FROM ENTERING THE NFL AND JACKING OFF However, the potential future stars career ended Monday before he was even drafted to an NFL team. At the NFL combine in Indianapolis, Burrow’s hands measured in at 9 inches. While that would be a sufficient dick length, it would not be an okay size for an NFL quarterback hand.

Realizing his career as an NFL QB was over, Burrow promptly tweeted “Considering retirement after I was informed the football will be slipping out of my tiny hands. Please keep me in your thoughts.” With his NFL career over- Burrow faced another problem as BURROW FLEXING HIS BABY HANDS well. He realized he may not be able to jerk off himself with his hands so small. first pick in the 2020 NFL

BY BENGALS HATER 101 draft. After his campaign LSU, Burrow had always Joe Burrow, following with the Tigers ended with At been a pussy magnet, and a Heisman Trophy and his phenomenal graduate thus had never had the need National Championship, season at Louisiana State to jerk off on his own. With most expected Burrow to be University, was expected his NFL career off the rails a surefire star in the NFL. by most analysts to be the

and Burrow no longer having the magnetic pull to bring pussy towards him, Burrow was going to need to start pleasuring himself in some way.

With 9 inch hands, that was not possible. Reigning Super Bowl MVP Patrick Mahomes tweeted at Burrow “My small hands are doing alright so far....i believe in ya,” though Mahomes has a wife, and thus does not have to worry about the jacking off problem.

Similar sentiments were expressed by Kyler Murray, who informed Burrow that some years it is okay to go without jacking off.

Burrow disagreed, and was beginning to feel an odd sensation in his penis that needed to be addressed ASAP. At press time, Burrow was looking around for local prostitutes to hire to help jack him off.

13 Things to Know about the NFL New Playoff Format: By the Numbers Rutgers Men’s Basketball Team

BY PENN STATE BURNER 420

1. They hope to miss the First Four of the NCAA tournament by one spot so they can be ranked No. 69 in the nation (haha get it bc of the sex position) 2. Their consecutive key losses to Michigan and Wisconsin were an attempt to recreate the success of the football team this season 3. The players have been banned from frat parties at Rutgers since they steal all the girls every time they go 4. Myles Johnson will be time traveling next week back to the 1970s with his pork chop beard 5. However Myles Johnson, if you pick a copy of this up in the Livingston Student Center and are reading this, I love you 6. 9 7. Geo Baker plans on entering transfer portal in order to leave the team to work at a Bakery 8. The Sports Writer of this article received his first strike of three before he is kicked out of this paper due to the weakness of the above joke 9. Akwasi Yeboah will reportedly transform into a Boa constrictor later in the season 10. Coach Steve Pikiell plans to turn into a pike before the next game 11. The last two lines of this were weak puns and the writer of this article just received his second strike 12. Mamadou Doucoure (that was the joke)

0

Fans who asked for the change

1

69

Times the editor of this page will try to throw in 69 jokes that aren’t funny due to his immaturity

1 Billion

Cowboys franchise that still will not be winning their first Superbowl in decades

Dollars in extra revenue the NFL will get from the 2 extra games, in which 3 players die of CTE related complications

2

3

7th seeded teams that will get eliminated in the first round

Writing super accurate sports news SINCE 1970

Live streams will be done by Antonio Brown blaming the new format on the return of White Women