The Weekly Ruby Rant

life!!!). The song came out 6 years ago. I had to explain to him that the song is old and that Logic has new shit (Check out College Park, this album is fire!!!). The worst part is that it is the most mainstream Logic song ever. He did not get it at all and just dismissed me.

A couple of weeks pass by and he returns with another song that had “just” been released. According to him, the song “is so fire, like this motherfucking song, is better than a $5 cravings box at Taco Bell, the greatest resteraunt ever!” Skeptically, I listen to the song. Guess what it was. It was the fucking Moonlight Sonata composed by Beethoven in 1801. Part of me wants to get up and give a fucking eight-minute speech about how these songs are not new, but I fear that the next song he’s going to make me listen to is “Oogga Booga” written by fucking Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis

At this point, I am getting fucking tired of his bullshit. It’s getting so bad that I am considering transferring to a different university. I hear that NYU is a nice campus. Maybe you’ll find me there.

SILLICON VALLEY BANK

We’re sure you have heard the news. The FDIC had to step in to ensure that the people who deposited money in our bank did not lose it all. But can you blame us, we were just in our 2008 era.

Come on, you all remember 2008? Liquid tights, babydoll shirts, hippie headbands, shit was good. Given the current state of the world, between climaterelated disasters and authoritarian regimes spreading their influence, we thought everyone needed a nice throwback.

That’s why we created a system that would work during lowinterest periods and put money into mortgaged back securities. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like economic conditions ever change.

How could we have known that things would have gone wrong? I mean, all the guys were doing it. You know, Bear Stearns, the Lehman Brothers, Citigroup, Merill. The cool guys were doing it, and we just wanted our turn at the risky lending game.

At the same time, we must admit our bank was founded in the wrong decade. Even though we were just operating in our 2008 era, we mixed it in with a little 1930s energy. We don’t know why you guys are mad at us. The 1930s were great! We all watched Babylon, and the 1930s looked pretty fucking awesome.

Nostalgia is all the rage there days. We just wanted to apply that to our current banking world.

We get that things are not looking good. But can you blame us? We just are in our 1930s and 2008 era.

RUBY TANZANITE

Hello dear reader, and welcome! to the Weekly Ruby Rant, the series where I, Ruby Tanzanite, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Viscountess of Vulva, recount all my happenings from the past week for you to enjoy, study, analyze, and memorialize! And oh boy, non-specific gendered Daily Medium reader, do I have a rant for you this week! Particularly astute and well-read readers will recall my featured Opinions piece in the last issue of The Medium, in which I talked about how fucking sad I was (The Medium, let me make it clear, was a last resort; I think that that… thing is the absolute lowest point that serious, professional, aesthetically pleasing journalism has ever reached. The pure amount of crass language and swearing in that paper… well.). Well, reader, I am happy to announce that I have ended my friendship with the Sad Era, and now I am in my Hoe Era! #yas #slay

What does being in my Hoe Era mean, exactly? Well, it means that I will be sucking, fucking, slurping, gobbling, and shlorping on every 5+/10 man I run into on George Street. I secured a single room for next year, dear reader, and you know what that means: I will be hosting all-you-can-eats from the guaranteed privacy of a 9x12 space. On the menu: me. The customers: boys with severe emotional and communicative deficiencies. If that sounds like you, reader, you know where to reach me. ;) ;) ;) #gluckgluckgluck #werkthehausdown

***Author’s note: reading this invitation is not an explicit giving of consent. Always get enthusiastic verbal consent from your partners, girls and gays. Anyway, that is all I have for you, dear reader. Thank you so freaking much for listening to my super fucking cool rant. Next week from Ruby Tanzanite in The Daily Medium: a very serious discussion of alter egos, long and naming themes. Yours truly, Ruby motherfreaking Tanzanite <3