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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue I
September 8th, 2010
New Brunswick Hit By Tropical Storm Damage costs estimated at almost twenty dollars
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
NEW FUNSWICK—New Brunswick residents emerging from their storm shelters and basements were treated to a vision of destruction and desolation as Tropical Storm Earl tore through the Mid-Atlantic region on Friday. Echoes of Katrina were heard as road crews set about the task of repairing the damage to vital infrastructure with estimated rebuilding costs to be in the high 10 to 20 dollar range. “We have a twig that landed in the middle of the road and some leaves fell on or near the sidewalk,” said New Brunswick Disaster Office Director Michael Buzby. “It’s really hard to measure the true impact the storm had not only on our city, but on our people too.” In neighboring Edison, a man lost his entire ice cream cone to the deadly 71% humidity while residents in New Brunswick’s own 5th Ward had to shut their windows and turn their A/C on, increasing their utility bill by “like a fucking dollar more per day.” Prior to the storm’s ar-
Stephen Hawking calculates that he is God
Hey, isn't that the kid you saw at that house party? Dude, listen to me, I'm know what I'm talking about. He was at Jimmy's. He had the...the hat!
Gay Philosophy Professor Blows Minds OH! THE HORROR!
The carnage in New Brunswick is overwhelming.
rival, many residents bravely ventured out of their homes in order to pick up much needed emergency supplies such as red plastic cups, ping pong balls, and 2-3 kegs of Natty Ice. Jacob Murphy, a SAS sophomore, was desperately searching for survival supplies mere hours before the tropical storm warning went into effect. “Dude, I’m pledging Delta Tau. One more fuck up and I’m
back to grenade removal duty. Please don’t let me go back to fat biddies!" Total rainfall for the duration of the cataclysmic storm was approximately 0.00 inches while the high temperature peaked in the “kind of shitty” range. Donations for the owner of the deceased Good Humor Sundae Cone can be sent to Dave. You know Dave; you totally met him outside of ABP that one time.
Largest Freshman Class Ever Actually a Clever Placement of Mirrors
COLLEGE AVE.—After suspicions of being watched in all directions, and in light of recent crime alerts, sophomore Nate Jones threw a rock over his shoulder toward an impending stalker, only to hear the sound of shattering glass. Besides being plagued with seven years of bad luck, Jones has become one of the first students aware that he is among very few. For years, the incoming freshman class has appeared to have grown exponentially, in spite of the University's reputation that appears to be in a
"I'm just never wrong," said Hawking.
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
continuous decline. Discoveries such as Jones' are slowly revealing that the majority of the perceived undergraduate student body are in reality a series of geometric tricks and optical illusions. According to public relations specialist Ken Branson, the intended effect is to make Rutgers appear to be a popular, well-attended school to prospective students on their campus tours. Other University officials fail to see any problem with the practice. "So what is we might be using David Blaine hocus pocus magic hat rabbit shit?" retorted Vice President Philip Furmanski.
"It was such a rush" said freshmen Mark Remo. "He touched me in a deep and profound way."
Daily Targum publishes yet another paper full of banal crap "Textbook rentals? Totally the most interesting thing we can print!" said EIC Neil Kypers. "Also, for Inside Beat: Somebody has to head to Demarest. There's some paint drying we need to cover!"
Index News................................1 Olds.................................2 Features.........................3 Op/Eds............................4 Arts.................................5 Personals.......................6
It's everyone in your general Psych class!
"You kids have such high SAT scores and yet you never wonder why you always run into the same people on your way to class?" It is estimated that in total there are 52 actual undergraduates and one graduate student, who is studying Philosophy.
Your Tax Dollars at Work ESTABLISHED 1970
You think your smart phone is so smart? Prove it, you rich monocle bitch
NEWS "I'm not serious. I just wanted to leave and poop in the dorm."
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
DRUGS? US? NEVER!
University turns down offer to grow pot on campus
High: 90 Low: 72 Double Rain. IT MIGHT EVEN BE TRIPLE RAIN! oh. Oh! OHHHHHOOOOO!!!!!
High: 88 Low: 78 DOUBLE CLOUDY! OHMYGOODDD!
High: 90 Low: 12 DOUBLE CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF SUNSHINE! OH, WHAT DOES
BE OUR BUSINESS MANAGER! FREE CRACK EVERY TUESDAY!
'We already have a guy on Louis St.,' says administrator BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE.- Despite overwhelming student support for Governor Christie’s proposal, University administrators have turned down an offer to be the exclusive marijuana grower for the state. When asked about the decision, University Officials stated that they already had solid connections to, quote, “prime shit.” “Although I appreciate the offer,” said Deputy Administrator Daniel Mageros, “we in the administration already have our bud situation under control.” The plan proposed by the State called for Rutgers to be the sole growing agent for the State of New Jersey’s Compassionate Care Program, providing medical marijuana to the three public distribution centers scheduled to open next year. University officials stated that their supplier, a man on Louis Street who goes
HELP IS ON THE WAY
University President McCormick and "Suede" take advantage of the new "Capital Improvements" fee.
by the name “Suede”, would totally have enough to go around. “That guy has everything,” said Dean Michael Christiano, “We don’t want some big building full of pot that we have to keep careful track of. How can
we benefit from that?” Administrators announced its decision at a summer press conference at Blitz Burgers and later at Thomas Sweets Ice Cream and then later at Noodle Gourmet.
Glenn Beck uncovers true mosque controversy BY DR. DREHOOD STAFF WRITER
ATLANTA—With all the commotion surrounding the funding of the Cordoba Center in Lower Manhattan, Glenn Beck uncovered the truth, as he always does, about the backers of the center. After the amazing display of sheer nonsensical intellect, Beck revealed that the Russians, in a bid to restart the Cold War and destroy the dollar, are secretly funding the Cordoba Project At his "Replacing MLK" rally in Washington D.C., he
preached about his direct link to Jesus who told him one night that, "those damn Commies are behind everything."
Democrats pointed out that Jesus was the name of Beck's building's superintendent, who recently fixed Beck's shower
drain, but he denied these reports as a "socialist conspiracy." On his program, Beck used his Massive Autonomous Gray Information Console, or M.A.G.I.C. Board, to show that Barack Obama is both Muslim and a Communist. From this, he was able to make logical steps leading to the Russian Government, who have been funding the Mosque by selling coins through Goldline. Upon realizing he shills for Goldline, Beck promptly cried and arrested himself for treason.
STOP BEING A BITCH AND WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM! HOW? I'll fuckin' tell ya how!
Step 1: Stop being a bitch (See above) Step 2: Write an article step 3: Give us the article Step 4: You can go back to being a bitch. EMAIL US YOUR SHIT: NEWS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender We need one... Tim Swanson
OR... COME TO A MEETING! WEDNESDAYS 8:30 RSC RM 410
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Erinn Koerner Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to that one super senior who picked up this paper for the first time today. What a fag.
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
attention all freshmen!!!!
Welcome Back Blow Pops
Dear Mentally Unstable Rutgers girl, I am at my wit’s end with my roommate already, and we only recently moved in. She is a disgusting slob who never cleans up after herself! She leaves dirty plates of food around our room until they mold and start to smell like rotting carcasses, and it is unbearable. She just tossed her pizza crust on my bed as I am writing to you! I’m hoping that you can give me advice as to how I should approach this situation without creating too much awkward tension between us. Please help!
By The In-Shane-iak For those of you who don’t know, it’s that time of year again; time for the exclusive topless freshman rager! Remember to bring your RUID to prove you’re a student, but leave your shirts at home. DJ Timetraveler will be spinning. BE THERE. Friday, September 10th, 2010 169 College Ave, New Brunswick, NJ
Desperate in Delaware Dear Desperate, Oh my god, gurl, you think you’ve got problems? Seriously, don’t even talk to me right now. Billy hasn’t answered my calls, texts, e-mails, facebook messages, wall posts, tweets, or voice mails in TWO hours! I think he’s mad at me, but I can’t figure out why! Maybe his phone’s dead and he can’t find its charger. Yeah that’s probably it! Or maybe he got trampled by a pack of buffalo on his way to class, or kidnapped by Hasidic Jews! Ugh, but that’s only like a one in five chance! He probably just doesn’t like me anymore because he found someone prettier. I’m not pretty enough for anyone! Not even the guys in front of C Town! Fuckmylife!!!
Rutgers Grammar Check Fail
All the best,
A Mentally Unstable Rutgers girl Do you have a question for Fony Ho? Send all inquiries to Features@themediumonline.com Top 10 Worst Eden Names By FigNewton
1) Dailytargum@eden 2) PrincetonReject@eden 3) Pokeherasstinator@eden 4) DrPhilTherapist@eden 5) xoXo*~*DrEeMGurL*~*xoXo@eden 6) RUScrewmelongtime@eden 7) Mrsjustinbieber18@eden 8) SlutgersFinest732@eden 9) OrngSknScrltPrde@eden 10) DeathbyTillet33@eden
Medium Word of the Week Herniture noun (hur-nuh-ture) Definition: A girlfriend who, upon spending copius amounts of time in a particular dorm room, has become a permanent fixture, much like a desk lamp or a futon.
Send all submissions to Features@themediumonline.com
COLLEGE AVE – Some readers of The Medium may remember my alter-ego, “The Killa Whale,” and if you happen to have forgotten about me, that’s fine because I’ll be writing under this new name, “The In-Shane-iak.” Last spring was my first semester at Rutgers and it was pretty damn boring to be honest. I felt lost, confused, and sometimes frightened by the accordionlooking buses. There were a lot of things I didn’t know such as building names and different fraternities/sororities. However, with a full semester’s experience behind me, I have returned to Rutgers and The Medium feeling reborn. Please, don’t misunderstand me, I’m not going to stand next to a bus stop and preach religion to all the agnostics. My sense of renewal originates from a sudden feeling that I belong in New Brunswick on College Ave. I feel like Peter Parker in Spiderman II during the montage scene where he sheds his second-life as a superhero. However, I’m not strutting past Brower snapping my fingers and winking at people through a pair of glasses. Instead, I’m getting blow pops! In case you missed the fun, Kaplan Test Prep had a table set up outside of Stonier Hall advertising an opportunity to win $25,000. I just happened to be walking by during mid-afternoon when a young girl working the table approached me and said, “Would you like a free blow pop?” I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. A blow pop for free? Right outside of Stonier Hall? In front of everyone? Hell, she was pretty cute and damn, a blow pop sounded pretty good right then but I had to be sure. I responded, “Really? You don’t mind?” She cheerfully nodded and smiled back at me. From my experience alone, girls can be pretty shy when it comes to giving guys anything, nevertheless, for free. I was sure there had to be some kind of string attached to the deal but to my liking, I walked away from Rutgers yesterday with my first blow pop of the semester. It was kind of strange considering it was only day two of classes and I hadn’t even had a chance to mingle with anyone yet. My only regret is that I didn’t get her name or number but I’m not going to stress over it. If getting blow pops this semester are going to be this easy, consider me in line for a scholarship!
OP/ED “We’re going to be in the same tent!!!”
September 8, 2010
From The Desk of Ride or Die: I’d Rather You Die Richard McCormick BY: Oswaldo Goldbottom STAFF WRITER
I am a man of order and policy. I believe that there needs to be laws and rules in place or I would just kill everyone; I don’t like making this a one man planet. As such, I have decided to create the first set of informal rules for bus etiquette. 1. If you let me off the bus, there will be plenty of room for your fat ass – This one issue; probably dear to all of us who get off at the Hill Center: You try to get off, but you’re knocked back into the bus by a swarm of idiots. Since a good portion of you Hill Center idiots are nerds (Idiotic Nerds – What an oxymoron), lets look at this as an algorithm:
was getting off, and we have to wait for the driver to realize and open it again. Quit wasting my time and get your ass up before the bus stops! 3. No one likes being sodomized by the front seat – This is one I hold quite personal because it was recommended that I do that to my self. I was sitting at the front most seat and some girl asked me to move over so she could sit. I told her I had no room. She said that I had so much room next to me, though the only way to use that space was to have the right half of my ass off the seat with the edge of the seat up my crack. She then decided to sit anyway and I moved nowhere, so at the next stop she got up and rolled her eyes and moved to the back
A Letter to the Class of 2014 Welcome to your first year at college! While you are still settling in, I am sure that you have already made fast friends and fond memories. I’m also sure that, by this point, you have discovered some of our school’s shortcomings. Crowded buses, crappy dining hall food, and alcoholic upperclassmen are just a few of the things you will come to find in our fair University over the next year. But, rest assured that despite any misgivings you may have, you are in good hands. Because we have a great football program. While that may seem trivial at an academic institution, you will slow-
ly come to realize that there are lots of things you can be pessimistic about. But, when you are doubting your reasons for being at this school, recently named by the Princeton Review as having some of the least accessible professors in the country, you can’t forget about the great things Rutgers has to offer. One great thing: football. You see, Rutgers has come a long way. We were once offered a spot in the coveted Ivy League along side such places as Harvard, Yale and Cornell, but we turned it down and went in a completely different direction. A direction that in-
volves heavy emphasis on football. You may find the atmosphere that surrounds New Brunswick to be a little bit shady and terrifying. You can escape that area by going to more Football games. In conclusion, Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football, Football McCormick Richard McCormick is the President of the University. He has a house on Busch Campus that overlooks the Football Stadium and none of the academic buildings.
Are YOU A Monkey Fart? Read This Article to Find Out BY: Wildly Inappropriate STAFF WRITER
In layman’s terms, this simply means wait for the people on the bus to get off, then get on, dumbass. 2. Get to the door before your stop – This is for the person that knows exactly where they’re going, and where they’re getting off, but they stay in their seat until the bus comes to a complete stop, and then get trapped by the idiots from the last scenario. Then the bus pulls off and they beg the driver to stop again. And for some reason, there’s almost always two of these idiots, the other being rightfully embarrassed of her idiocy and afraid to speak up. The less vocal one gets trapped in the door because no one knew she
of the bus. Nice story, I guess you get the moral. 4. College Avenue pedestrians should die – Okay this is it. The bane of my existence. Riding from the College Avenue Student Center to Scott Hall takes 5 minutes because people cross the street for every 2 feet the bus moves. You are lucky I’m not driving because I’d run your ass over. In conclusion, I hope that we can have a successful year with one another. I feel that I can accept the stupidity and insanity that exists among this campus for yet another year. Welcome freshmen class of 2014 – please be smarter than your predecessors, and have a nice year.
Ok so some of you monkey farts think you are soooo cool and so original here at Rutgers. News flash you’re not. The only cool people on campus work at The Medium. Now, a select group of you infected hemorrhoids have decided that you would be so innovative if you decided to put the Mighty
Morphin’ Power Rangers communicator chime as your ringtone. Wrong! We’ve already done that and moved on. I mean really do you think that everyone is going to suddenly look at you when your phone goes off and say “Hey cool I remember that show, it was really good. We should hang out and talk”. Or, that girls are going to get wet in their panties
because they may have also watched the show when they were seven and you made them nostalgic. Guess what, if that is your ringtone, you ain’t getting laid. Besides everyone knows that the only acceptably cool ringtones are the Rocko’s modern life theme, anything involving Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Dr. Dre’s “Nuthin But a “G” Thang”.
Cute Things Lower Area
THE MEDIUM WANTS YOU!
Submit your cute things, or your hatred to opinions@themediumonline. com, and see your name in print!!
The Medium is looking for a person with normal people skills and nothing else to be our business manager. Apply with full resume and $200 non-refundable deposit to: managing@ themediumonline.com
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
ARTS “Quick, think of something funny.”
My friend found this on the Napkin Board in Neilson. If you drew this, why are you settling for the Napkin Board? Send your comics to email@example.com
Location: Route 18, near exit for George Street.
Dorm Cooking 101 Cooking in a dorm setting can be difficult when you’re not allowed to have so much as a candle. But you’re in luck! There are some great recipes that you can make in a dorm if you’re out of meal swipes and have a little ingenuity!
Surströmming is a traditional Swedish recipe
that is often eaten with crisp bread and enjoyed with cold milk. With few ingredients and no need to heat, it makes a simple, straitghtforward, and delicious meal! Ingredients: Tools: 80-90 lbs. of fresh herring 20-gallon barrel Salt Sharp knife Water Large bucket 1. In the bucket, brine the herring in a solution of 4 parts
From The Desk of the Arts Editor:
Most people have few outlets for self-expression beyond status updates and conversations with friends. That’s why it fricken kicks ass to be the Arts Editor for the Medium this semester. Maybe it’s not quite on the same level as directing a movie that makes it to the top of the box office, or even like having a reality show on Bravo!, or even just sending a letter to the Opinions section of the Targum, but it is more than most of you reading this have.
water to 1 part salt. Let sit for 24 hours in a cool, dry place. A good spot for this might be in your closet. 2. With the sharp knife, decapitate and gut the brined herring. You can save the heads and guts to plan a prank on your RA! 3. Put the cleaned herring into the barrel, and let the barrel sit outside on a nice, sunny day for 24 hours, remembering to stir every 3 hours. It’s a good excuse to take a short break from studying! 4. Add about 5 quarts of the original brine to the barrel, and move it indoors to a cool, dark spot where it won’t be disturbed, maybe under your bed. Let the herring ferment for about 2 months. 5. When the 2 months is up, open up the barrel and invite your entire floor to a traditional surströmmingsskiva, or “surströmming party”. If there is any surströmming left, put the leftovers into cans to enjoy later, maybe for a light snack when you are studying for finals!
September Reading List
Summer’s about the only time that I have to get any reading done if it’s purely for enjoyment. Here’s what you could have caught me reading over the break, things that you may want to put on your reading list if you find a little time during the semester or over a break to get in some reading.
Wikipedia article on Mongol Empire
Cultural awareness is really important especially in light of globialization, etc. The reason I chose to read this article was I think I was trying to make a joke about Ghengis Khan in a text to my friend, but I haven’t even thought about the Mongols since a history class I took in high school. I really recommend this article, I recognized some of the stuff in the introduction, like the Golden Horde, and that the Mongols were nomadic. I fell asleep before I finished it, but what I skimmed through seemed pretty good.
Email from McCormick
At first I didn’t want to read this email and I just “marked as read.” Though after fifteen minutes of inadvertently switching between Facebook and my email inbox, I decided just to throw all of my prejudgements out of the window and sit down with this email. Once I got to the part where he said “I hope this is a year of discovery, excitement, and joy for each of you,” I felt silly for disregarding the letter so quickly. This turned out to be one of my favoite reads, definitely one of the most personal, touching and inspiring things that I have read in a while.
The Medium is looking for a Business Manager. If you’re interested contact firstname.lastname@example.org
THE MEDIUM THE
WHEELS THE BUS
To the bitch that shoved me off the F bus at College Hall and made me late for my 6:10. I hope at the next stop, someone shoved you off, you fell under the tires, and got dragged along Route 18. Douche weekend driver. Why the fuck do you drive a bus if you’re going to pass by people? Just drive your own fuckin car and get a new job. LONG LIVE THE L-BUS! (Short live you for actually writing that.)
ASSES IN CLASSES Why don’t any of the TA’s for math classes speak English? I’m a math majorr, not Bengali or any other fuckin world langage. (From your spelling, I presume that English is one of those world languages you don’t know) To the dumb fucks at registration or wherever. Why don’t you make it so classes people need aren’t only offered once a year with only one section? Now I have to take a bullshit semester just to wait for the class to be available again. I’ve been to one class this past week so far, and I’m already bored. College should just be nothing but parties and sex. (Can you personally introduce me to the people who actually would party with or have sex with you? Actually, I’ll spare them the embarassment.) To the creepy guy in all of my classes in the SCILS building... Are you even a Communications major. In fact, do you even go here? I see you in every class. I’m pretty sure you’re stalking me. Just stop talking to me.
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
“Why you so stupid boy? You got no brain in head? Go read book and be smart.”
FRESHMEN. SIGH. To the freshmen girls who think they the shit with their booty shorts made for a 10 year old and miniskirts. I saw ya slutty asses walkin outta Tinsley the other day looking like the army of whores. Piece of advice: get tested regularly. (Is this advice from your personal memories of freshman year?) To you freshman girls who walk around with short fuckin dresses and skirts to the point where your ass cheeks hang out, have fun getting raped. It’s hilarious how you THINK that your sexy, especially when you’ve got a BUTTER face. (Sounds like some upperclasswomen are jealous of the new competition.) To the freshman bitches who were singing Journey on Mine Street Friday night at the top of your lungs. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you like seriously retarded?
BITCH, PLEASE. There’s too much wildlife on Busch. One day I see a dear. Next day geese. Ahhhh (Despite the idiotic way you expressed your frustuation, I have to agree, geese and deer are pretty damned annoying. To the builders of the quadjects. Way to go not putting in an elevator. I’ve been sore for a week now from having to lug all of my shit up 3 flights of stairs. Hey Rutgers food website. Way to enter the 21st century with the first upgrade since what looks like the 90’s.
LIKE. LIKE. POKE!
To the Head of Recruitment for the Panhellenic Council: No. I do not want to Meet the Sisters of Alpha Chi Omega. No. I do not want to meet the sisters of Delta Gamma. Stop filling up my facebook with invitations to sorority events. Why? BECAUSE I FUCKING HAVE A PENIS! PEOPLE WITH PENISES, with very few exceptions, DO NOT JOIN FUCKING SORORITIES. Just because I am friends with you on facebook does not mean I have a vested interest in this bullshit. To the girl that keeps messaging me and commenting me on Facebook despite the fact that I never reply back. TAKE A HINT. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Asking whats up every two days on chat is not going to change my mind. (Really? Do you not realize you can delete people on Facebook? You began the illusion of friendship by clicking accept. Deal with it.)
SPRING 2010 PERSONALS READER’S CHOICE Based on your personals from the Spring 2010 run of The Medium, we hereby certify that the following are the most hated by the Rutgers University community.
MOST HATED BUS LINE 1. EE 2. REXL 3. F
MOST HATED RESIDENCE HALL 1. Livingston Quads 2. Metzger Hall 3. Tinsley Hall
MOST HATED DINING HALL 1. Brower Commons 2. Neilson Dining Hall 3. Busch Dining Hall
MOST HATED RACE 1. Asian 2. Indian 3. Black
Congratulations to the winners, and here’s to another semester of Personals!
PRESENTING, DR. K. Hello Rutgers, The name is Dr. K. and I will be taking over for Spicy Caramel who has moved far away to the other side of the Personals where the freaks and geeks live. I will be here as your sensible friend to listen to your problems and complaints about the world, pretend to care, and then talk about you behind your back to all of our mutual friends making you the outcast of the group. The only difference is, I will talk about you right in front of your face on this page, and no one will look at you weird because no one will know who you are.
To my friend. How the fuck do you have 5 new friend requests everyday. You are one of the most intolerable people to be around. You have to have a fucking alter-ego when you’re not around me. Send me whatever is on Like seriously. email@example.com. (Why do I get the feeling that this is your only friend?)
To the hot chick in front of me at sub takeout. You got two sandwiches and I know its going straight to your ass because it is out like BAM. Why don’t you grab dinner with me sometime. We can get 4 subs and then make (You visit the Rutgers food out after we eat them. website way too much. May- (I am having such a horrible be you should check out the image at this moment of this recreation one.) taking place. God, please rid (Should we forward this Close the fucking door. me of this imagery! along to RUPD? It’s not a parking ticket, so chances are Dear Little Miss Princess. I ACID TRIP? nothing will come of it, but hate you. I really hate you. lemrgpomejrogj wergmpat least we offered.) You think you’re the shit, wrgmwjgw wegwpoegjwgWe need more fuckin out- wojgawdmgawegojrgodk- but you’re not. lets. I get sick of bringing goekwfpwojmgpwoemg HELP WANTED my laptop to class and it dies midway. We can afford (No speak a-stupid. Try The Medium is looking for a Business Manager for the an entire new building but again another time.) Fall 2010 semester. If internot a fuckin power outlet? I like sheep. ested, please contact us at Really? (Okay, like really. What is managing@ (You do know that there’s wrong with some people. You themediumonline.com need help .) more behind the outlet?)
- Dr. K
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
PERSONALS “When I’m drunk, my name is Mojita.”
BITCHES & HOES To all of the bitches who stare me down whenever I am walking around College Ave; Don’t bother. I know for a fact that you are a self conscious little skank tard and would not even amount to the cuticle I peeled off this morning. You can try, but it’s not going to fucking work. (Comment was deleted by Snooki in Chief...whoops) To my ex-roommate; I hope you choke to death on your organic food products, and just because you eat them, it doesn’t make you less of a fat ass. By the way, you might want to throw those flowerprint shorts out. It looks like a window box on your ass. You would think waving at someone that you’ve ran into multiple times this week and having them look directly at your waving would acknowledge the salutatory hand gesture. It didn’t. (That’s because you’re just really creepy.)
CLASSES To my professor who decided to jump up on the chair during the first day of class; Please don’t do that again. You scared the shit out of me and I think you just might break a hip next time because you are so damn old. To the douche in my class wo said that he speaks 6 languages; No one gives a shit. To the kid who accidentally bumped my boob in class; thank you. To whoever decided to hold a class in Davison Hall in when it is 90 fucking degrees outside; Really? I didn’t think you can make WGS classes suck even more, but now I obviously know that you in fact, can. To the kid who dropped a crap load of weed out of his bookbag on Thursday; Thank you for reminding me why I go to this school. To the girl who keeps saying “Uh huh” in class whenever the professor talks; What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go ahead and give him a blow job and get it over with. To the girl in my class who looks like Ramona Flowers; I love you. I really do.
To financial aid; I’d watch Fuck you Brower!!! It isn’t like Rutgers hasn’t ripped myself if I where you. To the guuurrrrlllllfffrrriiiii the students off enough. You eeeennnnnddddd who was changed the damn takeout in the RSC computer lab in the dining hall. A man talking on her cell phone used to be able to get several at the first computer in the bags of chips and two drinks back; Your voice made me for one swipe. I don’t care if it was against the rules. A want to pick up my chair sandwich, bag of chips and and continually beat you a drink is not worth $12 over the head with it. Oh, $17. I can get the same shit and phones usually do lose at Subway for $5. Your food the signal when you are unsucks ass. Scumbags. derground, but I guess you (Fuck the rules. Steal that wouldn’t know that being shit.) that you appeared to have To the girl at Neilson who crawled out of the ghetto.... said that people need to (Someone bout to get a cap stop eating animals; You are busted up in this bitch...) retarded, and I hope you get To the bitch manager of the attacked by a horse. online order section of the To the Brower sushi chef; Rutgers Bookstore; Its nice I totally saw you pull out a to know that you have ab- wedgie and then continue soulutely no future whatso- making sushi.... ever. (That probably explains why TRANSPORTATION it feels like you have a vibrating cell phone in your colon To the girl who was wearing after you eat that shit.) the super tight blue dress on the bus on Saturday; Your DORMITORIES cellulite was alarming. To that kid who is REALLY To the bro who wanted to into Demarest; Why don’t start a fight on the bus when you have a social life? Please it was crowded; Lay off the leave us the fuck alone. steroids and clam the fuck To the girl who couldn’t down. You looked like you stop talking about herself in where gonna bust an artery. Jameson; Fuck I hate you. To guy who was shot down No one else really gives a by that little freshman bitch shit either. with the glittery stockings; OMG! COMIC SANS!!!! You should probably try not COMIC FUCKIN SANS! being slightly gay when it To my roommate; Don’t you comes to pick up lines. think its a little early in our To the kid who punched the friendship for you to start window on the EE; Nice try. jacking off in front of me? To the Orgo Girl on the (Wow. You have a roommate bus; Why are you still here? who masturbates? NO WAY! Why? At least he doesn’t pee in botTo the Asian kid who said tles.) the bus reminded him of going to Chinatown over the summer; That was just too easy.
(Considering that this personal was sent with “sent from my iPhone,” I can tell already that you must be a racist asshole...) To the girl who screamed when the door opened on the bus; Really? WTF? To the kid who had his iPod turned all the way up on the bus on Friday: You might not want to do that. Everyone knew you where listening to Miley Cyrus. (If anyone sends in anything defending Miley Cyrus, I’m fucking delting it. Don’t bother. Really. Just don’t.)
From the sticky, filthy mind of Spicy Caramel Hello you sexy, sexy mo-fos. Its been one, hot, steamy summer and we all know that that little problem of yours wasn’t caused by shaving... anyway, its another splendarific semester and all of us know that this last week has been one big, sweaty, clusterfuck of confusion. No worries! THE MEDIUM IS BACK! Better yet, the personals is back, because I know all of you are complete narcisstic bastards and this is probably the only section you read anyway. BITCH ON BITCHES. Wes gotz a new emailz... firstname.lastname@example.org
I like marshmallows. They To the Cook/Douglass Asian are just really freaking awe- yo-yo kid; why are you still around? Can’t you just go some. Seriously. They are. away? Really, its been three HAPPYFUNTIME years now. Just give it up So it’s been really hot at already. Its not funny anyClothier and I have a solu- more, just really sad. tion. I’m organizing a super VAGUELY GAY soaker and water balloon fight. It will be epic. I know To the Indian Man who peed you feel the heat so don’t on my foot: Why were peewuss out. It really sucks ing on that car? I was walkhere on the 7th floor. So let’s ing past you as you peed on make it fun. a car and some of it splashed -Oliver Klozoff onto my foot. Now I am sad. I think about sex like, all of Also, you and your friends the time... looked like fags with your To the dude who I over- button down shirts and heard saying to his friend blowouts. that he desperately needed (You know you liked it. Stop a blowjob; Good luck with denying it already.) that. Really. I think you’re To the guido who was sitting in the back of the F bus; going to need it. To the guy at the Hunting- You had on more makeup ton house party; That’s ok. I than I did, and that bro, is didn’t really like those shoes pretty impressive. anyway. To the bros standing in front To the dude who was puk- of their frat house on Coling at the Public Safety bus lege Ave on Saturday; I don’t top on Thursday morning; know if you where trying to I think you might have a look sexy or whatever by beproblem. ing shirtless, but you all just To my roommate; It was looked really gay. waaayyy too early in the To the theatre kid on the EE morning for me to see your who said that being in a play skinny white ass. Please put was “beyond spectacular;” that shit away next time. You where just so gay that I Thnx. can’t even make fun of you. To the girl who was passed To the guy at the Livingston out in the stairwell at Camp- Student Center bus top who bell; You are one classy lady. was complaining about the To the two people I saw new football t-shirts nt bemaking out at the College ing tight enough so girls can Hall bus stop at 3 in the see the fact that you work morning; You are going to out; We all know that you have very ugly, retarded ba- don;t turn yourself into a bies one day. homosexual for girls. Stop To the girl who was at- lying. tempting to sing out of her I have no idea what to put car window on Easton Ave; here because I am out of You sounded like a cross personals. Send yo shit in! between Snooki, The Situa- personals@themediumontion, and Popeye. line.com. I know its longer
To the girl in Bunting Cobb who threw her laundry down 2 flights of stairs; Judging by the amount of thongs you had, I think its safe to say that you might in fact, be a major skank. To the infamous Femi-Nazi’s in Katzenabach; No one really likes you. Maybe you should all chill the fuck out. No one wants to hear it. Seriously. STFU already. To the kid who jumped out in front of my car by Campbell; Are you really that fucking stupid? Did you not see my car barrelling down Hey girl. I just really wanna the street? Two words; Natchat with you...on the faceural Selection. How are you boo... in college?
this year, but try to remember. If not, I’ll find you. I have your class schedule...
Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
“Why’s there so much hair behind my alarm clock?”
How I Spent My Summer Vacation By: Amy Age 19
Drom the Fesk of the Editor DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER WHAT’S SHAKIN’ EDITOR Welcome to the back
page, Rutgers. Nice to see you could make it here. I’ll be your new What’s Shakin’ editor this semester. Around these parts I go by Dr. Clayton Forrester, or Dr. F. for short. This may seem useless since my real name is printed pretty clearly on the masthead leaving me open to harassment and whatnot, but who cares? You certainly don’t. Running this page is a pretty big deal for me. Following my (mostly) democratic election to this position, I was approached by last year’s editor. He was close enough that I could smell the gin on his breath as he whispered, “No one makes it out of this paper alive.” I was scared, confused, and, more than a little turned on. Those were the first and last words he ever said to me but they left a big impression. I knew that I was taking over the reigns of something unstoppable that needed to be taken seriously. So enjoy as I spend the next semester writing whatever I feel like and putting this page together at the last minute. It’s gonna be one hell of a ride.
What’s Shakin’? 9/1 First Day of Classes-Also known as the last time you will see half of your classmates. They will only reappear on exam days. This is also the day you’ll awkwardly run into that girl you went to high school with. 9/8 End of Add/Drop-Oh shit that’s today. Hope you’re all satisfied with how you’ll spend the semester. 9/9 My calendar says this is Jewish New Year. I’m not really sure what that means despite working for a paper with a staff full of Jews.
It’s a staple of every 3rd grade classroom for students to write about their summer vacation. I’m taking it upon myself to update this classic and tell you how I spent my May-August. Like most college students (but unlike most 3rd graders) I spent this summer working. For all 13 of you from out of state who don’t know any better, beach goers at the Jersey Shore have to purchase a grossly overpriced badge to get on the beach. I had the honor of checking for badges and turning away those who wouldn’t pay. I was basically a really short bouncer. For the beach. For 6 hours a day. If you don’t think that’s so hard, try walking up and down the beach, being yelled at by every other person because they “already showed you the badge.” Also it’s 100 degrees out every day.
Pictured: A hell hole So I spent my precious days off from work like any college student (and maybe a few 3rd graders): partying. Well, more like driving 2 hours to my roommate’s house to play video games. Same difference really. A PS3 is a party. We spent almost every day chillin’ out, maxin’ and relaxin’ all cool until a couple of guys near her house started making trouble with me. It was only one little fight but my mom got scared and said “You’re moving with you Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air.” So unfair, right? So I fly out to California and pulled up to the house around 7 or 8. I yelled to the cabbie “Yo holmes, smell you later!” I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.
WE NEED A BUSINESS MANAGER! SERIOUSLY! FOR REEEAALLZZ!!!
Love my page? Hate it? Feeling lonely? Have too much time? Then send me an email!
If you’re interested email: email@example.com
firstname.lastname@example.org I’m a good listener.