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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
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September 29th, 2010
Volume xli Issue IV
PUBLIC HEARING
MCCORMICK WEARS EARMUFFS DURING SPEECH 'La la la la. I can't hear you,' says University President BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—University President Richard McCormick was able to speak in relative peace on Friday as he gave his 8th annual State of the University Address, thanks to industrial strength ear protection. The speech, given to a packed audience at the Rutgers Student Center, was interrupted four times by various protest groups, including the Latino Student Council, which walked out twenty minutes into the speech with raised fists. McCormick simply continued to read his prepared remarks without hearing much of what was going on. “I could see people moving about in the auditorium, but I figured they all needed to go the bathroom or something,” said President McCormick. For the speech, McCormick opted to wear earmuffs designed to be used at firearms ranges and for NASCAR pit crews.
McCormick is not new to this kind of interruption. Indeed, protests from past years prompted the muffs. “The earmuffs were a necessity,” said Ed Souaid, Vice Dean of Academic Affairs. “The speech needed to continue smoothly in order to get important information out to patrons of the event. Also, it was Fri-
day and everyone wanted to go home early.” Despite very little planning or interaction between the various protesting organizations, leaders seemed to be operating on the same plane of thought. “President McCormick is ignoring my organization’s cause. He should be dropping everything else
right now to help support my group in this time of need,” said the head of the Latino Student Council, a leader from the American Federation of Teachers, an associate of the Rutgers Student Union and a representative from the Union representing non-faculty staff members, each in separate interviews. After the speech, McCormick removed the earmuffs to join in a question-and-answer session. During this session, members of the aforementioned organizations stepped forward to ask McCormick loaded questions in an attempt to make the President look inattentive and uncaring. McCormick responded to these questions by sticking his fingers in his ears and singing “Happy Birthday to You” over and over until they returned to their seats. “What was I to do? The questions made my head hurt,” said the University President.
STAY IN SCHOOL
Less expected at homecoming since students stopped graduating
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
EASTON—Owner of Old Queens Tavern Pierce Anderson sighed in disappointment when he caught wind that the same six alumni who have consistently appeared for the past 12 years will be there again—and few others. “Another year, another night watching a couple of balding guys take advantage of the unlimited Blitzburger promotion ‘til they fuckin’ puke and scare away my customers” said Anderson. The numbers of Rutgers alumni has plummeted in recent years despite increasing enrollment figures, as graduation rates indicate students show a diminished interest in ever leaving college. The reasons for delayed graduation are numerous, but are attributed primarily because of the eye gouging, hair tearing difficulty of scheduling
classes. “I just need to take Advanced Research Methods 2.5” said triple super senior Michelle O'Hara. “That’s really all I need. It’s only offered in the Spring of ‘12 though. Oh well. $30,000 of debt’s not that bad.” Others have less academic reasons for their prolonged stay in college. “Look, out there, I’m considered an ‘alcoholic,’” said megaultra super senior Brandon Hardy. “I’d also be considered a ‘pervert.’ Here though, I’m normal… and I have a healthy sex drive thank you.” Regardless of their reasons, it appears that students are in no hurry to contribute to wider society. Indeed, Rutgers alumni aren’t expected to make a substantial impact to the local economy this weekend; local hoteliers at the Heldrich and the Hyatt reported that they are preparing for the increase in pa-
...where everybody knows your name because it's not like anyone else is showing up
tronage by stocking up with an extra pack of muffins for their continental breakfast stations. An unfortunate side effect of low alumni turnout is that the university is allocating fewer resources for homecoming activi-
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ties this year. According to the official schedule of events, this weekend’s carnival at Buccleuch Park will include such games as “Extreme Horseshoes,” “Stolen Bicycle Rides,” and “Use Your Imagination.”