This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com

50¢

September 29th, 2010

Volume xli Issue IV

PUBLIC HEARING

MCCORMICK WEARS EARMUFFS DURING SPEECH 'La la la la. I can't hear you,' says University President BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR

COLLEGE AVE—University President Richard McCormick was able to speak in relative peace on Friday as he gave his 8th annual State of the University Address, thanks to industrial strength ear protection. The speech, given to a packed audience at the Rutgers Student Center, was interrupted four times by various protest groups, including the Latino Student Council, which walked out twenty minutes into the speech with raised fists. McCormick simply continued to read his prepared remarks without hearing much of what was going on. “I could see people moving about in the auditorium, but I figured they all needed to go the bathroom or something,” said President McCormick. For the speech, McCormick opted to wear earmuffs designed to be used at firearms ranges and for NASCAR pit crews.

McCormick is not new to this kind of interruption. Indeed, protests from past years prompted the muffs. “The earmuffs were a necessity,” said Ed Souaid, Vice Dean of Academic Affairs. “The speech needed to continue smoothly in order to get important information out to patrons of the event. Also, it was Fri-

day and everyone wanted to go home early.” Despite very little planning or interaction between the various protesting organizations, leaders seemed to be operating on the same plane of thought. “President McCormick is ignoring my organization’s cause. He should be dropping everything else

right now to help support my group in this time of need,” said the head of the Latino Student Council, a leader from the American Federation of Teachers, an associate of the Rutgers Student Union and a representative from the Union representing non-faculty staff members, each in separate interviews. After the speech, McCormick removed the earmuffs to join in a question-and-answer session. During this session, members of the aforementioned organizations stepped forward to ask McCormick loaded questions in an attempt to make the President look inattentive and uncaring. McCormick responded to these questions by sticking his fingers in his ears and singing “Happy Birthday to You” over and over until they returned to their seats. “What was I to do? The questions made my head hurt,” said the University President.

STAY IN SCHOOL

Less expected at homecoming since students stopped graduating

BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR

EASTON—Owner of Old Queens Tavern Pierce Anderson sighed in disappointment when he caught wind that the same six alumni who have consistently appeared for the past 12 years will be there again—and few others. “Another year, another night watching a couple of balding guys take advantage of the unlimited Blitzburger promotion ‘til they fuckin’ puke and scare away my customers” said Anderson. The numbers of Rutgers alumni has plummeted in recent years despite increasing enrollment figures, as graduation rates indicate students show a diminished interest in ever leaving college. The reasons for delayed graduation are numerous, but are attributed primarily because of the eye gouging, hair tearing difficulty of scheduling

classes. “I just need to take Advanced Research Methods 2.5” said triple super senior Michelle O'Hara. “That’s really all I need. It’s only offered in the Spring of ‘12 though. Oh well. $30,000 of debt’s not that bad.” Others have less academic reasons for their prolonged stay in college. “Look, out there, I’m considered an ‘alcoholic,’” said megaultra super senior Brandon Hardy. “I’d also be considered a ‘pervert.’ Here though, I’m normal… and I have a healthy sex drive thank you.” Regardless of their reasons, it appears that students are in no hurry to contribute to wider society. Indeed, Rutgers alumni aren’t expected to make a substantial impact to the local economy this weekend; local hoteliers at the Heldrich and the Hyatt reported that they are preparing for the increase in pa-

...where everybody knows your name because it's not like anyone else is showing up

tronage by stocking up with an extra pack of muffins for their continental breakfast stations. An unfortunate side effect of low alumni turnout is that the university is allocating fewer resources for homecoming activi-

More Fun Than Reganomics! ESTABLISHED 1970

ties this year. According to the official schedule of events, this weekend’s carnival at Buccleuch Park will include such games as “Extreme Horseshoes,” “Stolen Bicycle Rides,” and “Use Your Imagination.”

THE MEDIUM

NEWS

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

"I like to be extremely polite when I'm drunk so I don't risk getting punched in the face.'"

END (OF THE WORLD) ZONE

CURRENT E-VENTS

NFL CONTRACT EXTENSION PUSHES Congress Sends Latest Legislation as Series of Tweets BACK ARMAGEDDON UNTIL 2013 BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS NEWS EDITOR

MINNEAPOLIS – The people of Earth can rest easy for an additional year thanks to quarterback Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings rescheduling the apocalypse. After losing two games in a row to open up his twentieth NFL season, Favre constructed a deal with Vikings owner, Zygi Wilf, to extend his contract through 2013, allowing for two more potential seasons after 2010. The most notable stipulation in the contract is that Wilf would also agree to purchase the rights to the Mayan calendar and extend it one more year. Favre’s motivation to postpone Armageddon was a strategic move for his career. The renovated calendar will allow for one more NFL Super Bowl in February 2013 which Favre considers his “fallback” if he is unable to reach the big game this season or next. Wilf announced at a press conference yesterday that the new date for the Apocalypse will be December 21, 2013. Most Americans have shown overwhelming support for the extension, but there are a hand-

Editorial Staff Fall 2010

F

ful of celebrities that do not favor Favre's calendar. Director Roland Emmerich (2012, Independence Day) is among some of Hollywood’s most prominent figures to protest the new calendar. In addition, an “End of the World Concert and Benefit” to be hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Tom Bergeron on the eve of what was meant to be the apocalypse, has been shut down. The concert was expected to feature various recording artists such as Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Green Day, and REM in the hopes that they play "End of the World." Furthermore, sponsors such as Pepsi and McDonald’s have decided to temporarily withdraw their involvement. “Nobody wants to invest in the idea just yet,” said PepsiCo Chairman, Indra Nooyi, “It’s not worth risking millions of dollars on some concert that is just as unpredictable as its theme; it’s very disappointing.” Wilf ended the press conference by stating that if Favre is able to win a Super Bowl before the original scheduled apocalypse, the Vikings will consider undoing the changes to the Mayan calendar.

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor

Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson

Obama currently on Tweet #8,153

BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR

CAPITOL HILL –After many debate sessions and committee hearings, the latest financial recovery bill authorized by Congress was delivered to President Obama through a series of 14,203 tweets and is currently awaiting his approval. This marks the greatest step forward in the government’s latest experiment with increasing their social media presence in order to reach more citizens. “We have joined this whole new-fangled Twitter thingamajig and sent a whole bunch of kajiggers on this doohickey,” said Representative Ralph Hall (R-TX). “I am a bit bogglish about using this curwhibble, but the cromulent haberdasher seemed to appeal to this nomothete.” Representative Hall’s unintelligible comments aside, the Tweets have been relatively successful in conveying the entire bill with amendments 140 characters at a time. Tweet #5,697 from @Congress read “eto) certified by the Secretary that has applied to a qualified issuer for,

News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak

or been granted by a qualified issuer, a loan under the Program” while tweet #342 stated “(6) If the amount of the guaranteed portion of any loan under section 7(a) is more than $500,000, the Administrator shall, upon request of a” The signing ceremony that was to be held in President Obama’s Blackberry Phone had to be postponed after Obama had posted on his Facebook that his phone “totally died” and that he “needed numbers.” “His phone was just like, working and then it didn’t,” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters on Tuesday. “Luckily, the kind folks at AT&T were kind enough to provide the President with a free upgrade for the nominal fee of never ever having to pay taxes again.” In other news, the government announced that it is owned by AT&T. President Obama is expected to sign the legislation through a tweet that can be accessed by following @ImnotaMuslimwhyhaveyounotgraspedthatyetalsoIamnotsocialistyoufools.

Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor

Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Jack Knight Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated all the t-shirts that have ever been mercilessly cut into pieces so that girls could show off their cleavage during football games. Your sacrifice does not go unseen!

FARTS

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

“Get it it’s like Features + Arts haha get it”

GRAFFITI

THE MEDIUM MORE APPLIANCES

Location: By the Douglass Library

Submitted by jmona789

arts@themediumonline.com

Asian Rice Cooker

BOW DOWN AND SUMBIT TO THE MEDIUM features@themediumonline.com

Practicing Responsible Internet Usage A Lesson in Moral Values From Russian Dictator Features Editor

When my family computer first got hooked up to the internet back in 1999, I was extraordinarily mystified. As a heartless 9-year-old girl, however, my focus lay not in the productive ways this tool could be used, but rather in the havoc I could cause from my own living room. This information superhighway presented a whole new way to fuck with people, and the possibilities were endless.

MORE GRAFFITI

Location: Dumpster behind College Avenue Gym

I began my career as a fraudulent websadist in random AOL chat rooms, pretending I was Melanie from Nebraska, a hot chick looking to bang any desperate guy who wanted me. Over time, Melanie evolved into “Big GG,” who would harass people from my own middle school. Of course, the kids were very naïve at that time— no one would even think to question GG’s existence. One boring sum-

mer day when I was 12 or so, my best friend and I came

some new victims. After copious deliberation I remembered I had a list of screen names of Bible hos that I hated from Jesus camp. Jackpot. And there began the hilarity of xHughHanleyx, offering his ‘services’ to numerous God-fearing bitchHugh Hanley, above, in es. This went on for grandma’s home knit sweater several months—my up with the bril- friend and I would liant idea to pretend come up with new to be Hugh Hanley, propositions while (a local pedophile- laughing maniacally looking children’s behind the comsinger, pictured puter screen. The below) and fuck fun lasted up until around with people. one of them finally But who would be called the police. ideal to provoke? Of course, I didn’t We had grown tired know this until one of the usual sus- mundane Wednespects, and needed day afternoon, when

I least expected any drama. I walked in the door after school, and saw my father glaring menacingly at me. “We need to talk,” he said. That was never a good thing. The one and only person I feared growing up was my father. I didn’t say a word. “The police came by today,” he continued, raising an eyebrow at me. Uh oh. I knew where this was going now. “Does the name Hugh Hanley ring any bells?” he asked, his face reddening. “Oh my God…I’m really sorry, Dad, I…I…” I stuttered. “DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE POLICE ACCUSED ME OF MO-

LESTING CHILDREN TODAY?” my father screamed in fury. That was it; I started bawling. “I had to explain to them that it was my idiot daughter,” he said, “Of course I knew it was you; who else would have been fucking stupid enough to do something like that?” Today I look back on this and wonder how I didn’t crack up laughing at that moment—I guess it was the fear of being hanged by my own father. In the end, though, we just agreed to forget this ever happened, and no one in my family has mentioned it since.

MEET

TH

“As we tell The Targum that they may take our $9.75 student fee, our bins,

EIC, MANAGING, BUSINESS, SENIOR EDITORS REVEN, BENDER, JOEY & TIM

THE MEDIUM

Survivors

WHAT’S SHAKIN’ EDITOR: AMY DiMARIA

ARTS EDITOR: KRISTEN CIGNAVITCH

FEATURES EDITOR: KATIE RUSSIAN

RIP PJ Winter

STAFF WRITERS: Jake Lewandowski, Ehud Cohen, Joe Begonis, Shane Whelan, Steve Troulis

Many thanks to our good f ing us with 428 separate c

HE

MEDIUM

and our intelligence for granted, but they’ll never take... OUR MEDIUM!”

rs 1913-2010

OP/ED EDITOR: ERINN KOERNER PERSONALS EDITORS CARMELLA LUCZAK & KENNY BROOKS

WEBMASTER: ABE STANWAY

friend Neil Peabody Kypers for putting up a pathetic resistance and for not chargcounts of Criminal Sexual Assault which would easily be proven in court.

NEWS EDITORS KAITIE DAVIS & JORDAN GOCHMAN

s: Minimal.

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

THE MEDIUM Dear Neil Kypers, Look at you! Mr. Editor in Chief of the Targum. Mr. I’m on top of the world because I run the student newspaper for Rutgers University. Well aren’t you awesome. You probably have a VIP pass to every party at Rutgers and gourmet dinners made by the staff writers of the Targum personally. Heck, you probably get your own L bus. But let’s get to the point. I like writing sappy love letters. It’s kind of a weird hobby I’ve had since I was ten years old. Usually I write them to people that will never see them, mostly because I don’t think they can handle it. However, you, Neil Kypers, are a man with credentials. Someone I might not regret writing this for in ten years and who hopefully won’t turn into an obsessive stalker anytime soon. So I’m going to write you one and give it to The Medium so I KNOW you’ll take it seriously ;) First I’d like to start by saying you’re sooooo sexy. That you probably got like a 5 on the A.P. exam and tested out of Expository Writing like it was nothing. Your writing skills make my eyes melt like a good piece of steak in my mouth. Damn that’s hot. It just makes me want to watch you while you write, stare into your eyes, and find the meaning of life…and then some. Did I mention that you’re only a SOPHOMORE and the EIC of the Targum? Well I wish I was that accomplished. A man. A man that can. You don’t care about the upperclassmen passing you up. You pass them up. That turns me on like a light switch and not just any light switch: a good light switch… like the one next to my door. So to wrap things up because I have shit to do being a busy woman myself, I’m not going to write you a love song…today. However, I might write you one tomorrow if you’re lucky. I might even go on a date with you. Hint, hint: I have no meal plan therefore I really like food. I hope you enjoyed this and anytime my friend. Just find my email. Xoxo,

OP/ED “Pavement was Awesome!!!!”

SEX!!!!

BY: THE HUMMINGBIRD Contributing Writer

Has sex become boring and dull? Can you hardly summon up the vigor to get an erection nowadays? Well fuck you. Some people only get to jerk off in their room while their room-

ally crazy and kinky action. The next time you are getting down, whether you’re making love to your significant other or fucking an anonymous sorostitute, I challenge you to gently whisper into their ear the following, “I’m going to fuck you to death”. That, or something like it. You

Artistic rendition of actual morning romp on Douglass: http://www.google.com/ imgres?imgurl=http://nwso.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/boring-sex.

mates are taking a shit, and if you don’t finish before they get back, you’re fucked (or rather, you’re not fucked, that’s why you’re jerking off so much). However, some of my more successful friends are telling me that traditional, sober missionary sex isn’t giving them the same satisfaction as before. While many might suggest a new position or some kind of new foreplay, I would rather just say fuck that shit and get to the re-

might want to try “I’m going to fuck the life out of you” if you want to go for a smoother line, but the main goal is to imply that your ferociously hot dicking (or cunting?) is going to be the end of your partner. What could go wrong? If they like it, you’re probably going to have the most rough and exciting sex of your life. If they don’t like it, fuck them anyway! You’re probably going to have the most rough and exciting sex of your life.

Cute Things Lower Area

Your Secret Admirer

Love, Hate, Retaliate. Send in your submissions and see your name in print

OPINIONS@ THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Submitted By: Katie the Squirrel Tamer (My Personal Hero)

3 Cheers for Poverty T h e r e was a rally last Friday to protest the latest austerity measures taken by the administration at Rutgers to address a massive football budget shortfall. I did not attend for 2 reasons: 1. I came down with a disease that isn’t an STD, and 2. I felt the whole enterprise was futile. Don’t misunderstand, however, as I have despised this University’s parsimonious spending on everything (except football) since day one. So, I decided to look at the handy-dandy pie charts Rutgers has online for its 2009 budget and expenditures and see what the hell our tuition dollars are going towards. The largest source of revenue at 36.2% is, of course, our tuition. One surprise is the lack of explanation for the 4.1% nondescript “other” and 13.9% in “auxiliary enterprises”. Looking at expenditures, “auxiliary enterprises” evens out at 13.9%, while nondescript “other” comes in at 8.6%. So, in summary…wait, what? Looking at more graphs and pie charts, I can only come to one conclusion: someone who hasn’t secured a business degree can’t figure them out. If someone can somehow figure those charts out, please explain to the rest of us. I don’t want my tuition money to go towards that cheap crack sold on the corner of Hamilton and High Street; I want the good stuff, damn it. What I can tell you is this: Greg Schiano, somehow, makes $2,000,000 a year. He’s worth more than everyone at this University combined. He also has a helicopter. The university also foots a $200,000 bill to have the football players sleep in a hotel the night before a game because; let’s face it, nothing is better for football players than going to sleep on a pillow cleaned by people who demand instate tuition. As revenue will likely keep going down, I suppose the best way for Rutgers to handle the current budget crisis is to prioritize its money and put the student body’s academic needs first, as this is a “bastion of learning,” or so the billboard told me. Either that, or McCormick and Schiano can blow all the money on a lesbian bondage strip club. Both seem fair. That’s all for now, Das Flug

THE MEDIUM

PERSONALS

September 29th 2010

“( | ) <-----Bender’s Ass Cheeks.”

MILDLY WTF

EFFIN’ WEIRDOS

SEX AND DRUGS

ASSHATS

MORE ASSHATS!

Ugh stop following me around with your Jesus book blonde girl on the rexb and then then the ee. You’re not gonna Jesus away my piercings. To the boy in my Networking class; I want you to do very bad things to me.

To the guy playing his guitar on the Weekend bus: did you really think that was cool? Kids who sit around the quads playing their guitars are bad enough but you had to take it to a whole other level and do it on the bus?

To the chick who was wearing the dress so low cut last Wednesday I could see the inside of your chest. Nice cans but that isn’t gonna make up for your face.

To my roommate: Do you have to be SO FUCKING LOUD when you make food in the kitchen? Is there anything you do that isn’t some huge spectacle? (Sounds like a fucking douche...)

To the girl in my elementary math class. You smelled like poo for two days in a row. Take a shower.

(What? Now they do that in The Quads? What thefuck?! WHY!?!?!) Hey there handsome dark haired dark eyed guy on the B with the medical bracelet. I liked your shirt with the hippo on the treadmill... (So I am assuming he isn’t into fat chicks? Do you really want that kind of pressure? I don’t think so honey.) To the sideways baseball cap wearing kid in Intro to Labor who fell asleep during the movie: we don’t understand how everybody forgets that there are ten of us in the back watching all of you. Feel free to keep this in mind. Love, The TAs. For the ten minutes where you slowly, and ( what you believe to be) discretely, crunch on your chips, pretzels, combos, apples, what the fuck ever, a piece of me slowly dies as I can think about nothing else but that periodic CRUNCH.... CRUNCH.... to the point where I learn nothing and I wish I as deaf as Stevie Wonder is blind. Eat something soft or I may kill you. To the guy with the yellow backpack who saved the stray cat on Livingston, thank you! I’m glad there’s good people in rutgers, and in NJ. Who would have thought? (Lies! Its all lies! All the nice people left New Jersey when Hair Metal and Bon Jovi became popular. No one knows why. They just left. It was all in your imagination.) To the Philosophy and English majors on the F bus. We know you know its crowded...I man, there’s literally 15 people within arms distance of you...do you really have to yell your entire concersation? Nobody here wants to hear about TCNJ anyway.. (Loud philosophical assholes...)

To the asian kid at LDD who was so excited to do improv: What the fuck was that? Seriously. What. The. Fuck. To every loud crazy person that ran around the student center screaming cheers on Sunday for the RHA event: you are all retarded. Go live in a hole somewhere.

To the people who loved last week’s edition of the medium. You fucking rock. Bet ya think this one is better. – Oliver Klozoff Hey, kid with the blue Cookie Monster hat, the Count t-shirt, gay gray skinny jeans, and the blue shoes at Neilson Dining Hall; WTF!? Did you really need to profess your gayness to the rest of the world!? Grow the fuck up and grow a pair of balls! Faggot!!! (Hatas gonna hate.) To the FRESHMWN SLUTS on thursday night - if we pick a fight, fight your own fights, don’t get your ugly ass guys to talk to us. The only reason why they said anything was to get on your good side and get some ugly slutty freshmen ass....freshman SLUUTS. To my dark chocolate neighbor, coming over with your shirt off actually IS quite impressive. If I did not have a boyfriend I would indeed like a taste. (Indeed.) To the girl on the weekend bus: what’s with that white bow in your hair? Are you Alice in freakin’ Wonderland or something? And nice job falling out of your seat on the bus. I wanted to ask if you were okay, but I was too distracted by your bow. o.0 To the tall guy who works at Neilson take out with the ear gauges, stop creepin’ on all the small asian girls. Just because you’re white does not mean we’ll love you long time. Sincerely, an angry Douglass asian girl. (Yeah, because there are so fucking many of you. Jesus.)

To Tom Savage. Learn to play quarterback. You suck. To the girl walking down College Ave on Friday who was wearing the shirt that was lighting up and blinking; You are just awesome. To the girl who was crossing the street on Friday night; Honey, you where WAY too fat to wear leggings. Seriously. They where ripped at the knees. I think it would be better for the general population if you just stuck to regular pants. Dear RA in my dorm; FYI every girl wants your spicy, ginger, Jew dick (even though you’re a hipster). Lock your door at night and watch your back, baby, we’re coming for you...you know who you are. (That’s kind of fucking creepy...) To the girl who is driving me crazy...why don’t you love me? Seriously. (That’s ok. No one loves me either.) Oh hello guy from math class last year. didnt recognize you without stretched lobes and septum pierce at first but ur still attractive :D (Whatever you say... sounds kind of nartsy. What the fuck is up with that? Who finds that attractive? No fucking one. Just stop.) To the dude in my EPE class, you’re not even cool or very attractive, but something makes me want to bone you. It’s kind of distracting and weird that I even notice you because you’re just whatever, but there is some sort of sexy element to your being. To that guy who put a condom on the 4th floor water fountain... best broken condom results ever. To the guy who keeps on trying; Please stop and just get to the actual fun shit already? Seriously. I have needs pal. Let’s go.

To the creep on the third floor. Nobody cares that you have finally popped your man-cherry. Please stop stalking the fourth floor residents. P.S. You scream like a girl and I heard you’re small anyways. To Everyone: Yes I know I look like Quentin Tarantino so stop reminding me. Next one to say it gets their balls chopped off. If you dont have balls you get cock slapped. bitch. To the person who called Cabaret Theatre pretentious: You called it a “Club?” Definitely a freshman. You used “biscotti” and spelled it right. Now THAT is pretentious. Sorry you didn’t get cast, darling! It’s college; they try to put on shows that are a little higher quality than you’re used to. (*Gasp* The horror! The nerve of some people!) To my best friend. Last June during your graduation party your mom told me to come to the garage with her. While there she gave me head. IT WAS CRAZY GOOD! Sorry dude. (Name a price and I just might reveal the name... Dude. I gots bills to pay.)

To the computer lab kid using the scanner; Did you really have to sit there scanning the album artwork/notes from all 15-odd CD’s in your backpack?! I actually had to scan something for a class, jackass! Next time, I’ll cut you. To the kid in the front row of my construction engineering class who was flossing his teeth in the middle of lecture: What the hell... Seriously, who does that??? (Someone who doesn’t want a fucking root canal! You don’t understand. You never will. Never. Keep on flossin yo. Fuck da haterzzzzz....)

To the personals editor: I am sorry my personals are lackluster this week. I promise to do better next time. Love, Sum Dum Joo (Spicy Caramel is not pleased.) Dear Senior Staff Photographer at the fabulous targum, I want to thank you so much for the wonderful photo of senior volleyball player in the targum last friday. It made my 9:50 class so much more enjoyable. best Targum ever. So the techno tard who was riding on a Segway last Wednesday. You almost ran over 3 people with that toy. If you had hit me I was going to pull out your eyes and skullfuck you with the handle bar. Watch yourself kid. Greg Schiano, thank you for bringing Rutgers back to respectability. That being said your offensive scheme is awful. You recruit well, you suck at coaching. To the girl in my popular music in American history class who said the ancient Greeks have nothing to do with her life: Western fucking Civilization. You are not smarter than Plato. You barely belong in a state university. Also, stop sitting on the fucking floor. Love, Classicist Hey, CAC mail room- I get it. You don’t like your job. But do you really have to look like I ran over your dog when I have to pick up a package? (They’re probably better than the fucking gnome at the DCC who never smiles.) To the girl who was dancing in the lounge on 4th floor of the RSC; I hope you break your fucking leg next time. You know you want it.... personals@themediumonline.com

WHAT’S SHAKIN’

Today, September 29rd, 2010

“We’re out of butter...and Triscuits.”

You’ve been reading my page for 4 weeks. I think it’s time we made it official. events@themediumonline.com

TV Premieres

Last week marked the glorious time in which most of the major TV shows came back for the 2010-2011 season. As an underachieving 19-year-old, I couldn’t have been happier. So instead of doing my homework I’ll tell you which shows were worth watching.

Glee

Yeah, I like Glee. So what? Everyone remembers that epic premiere where the cast sang “Don’t Stop Believin’” and you. Fucking. Loved it. The show that followed was every theater kid’s dream with drama and singing and Broadway veterens. Then it got weird. There was a song every 5 minutes that had nothing to do with the story and it became cheesier than a Lifetime movie. I prayed the new season would bring back the show that Glee started as and based on the season premiere, they may have done just that. It was genuinely witty and kept the songs to the places they were actually necessary. This Week: Watch it. Just make sure it doesn’t start sucking again.

Community

Secrets to the Best Job Ever

In May, I watched helplessly as a new group of graduating seniors entered the world with no idea what to do with the rest of their lives. Many of my former-student friends are still living at home; unfulfilled and unhappy. Their problem is that they didn’t understand that the world’s easiest job requires no education and is easy to learn. I’m talking, of course, about being a mugger. It’s as easy as finding the people walking through a park after dark who clearly lack upper body strength. You can either physically assault them or threaten them with weapons to make them hand over their valuables. You get what they have. It’s as simple as that! People really under-sell the mugging profession when talking about it. It helps devolop your people skills and you work one-on-one with those around you. The hours are very flexible, you work outside, you get to be your own boss, and 100% of every profit goes right into your pocket! So to the class of 2011, keep mugging in mind when you enter the real world. Sincerely, Kenneth B. Cop RUPD Super Cop

HARDCORE CORNER

I take Thursday night comedy on NBC extremely seriously. Probably with more seriousness than necessary for a “comedy” event but I do it anyway. That’s because I depend on being kind of funny for just about everything and if I can’t make a career out of it then I’m going to end up living in a box. So don’t take it lightly when I say I fucking love Community. It inspires me to write comedy so I can work on something like it. With quick jokes that require a second viewing to catch and the talents of Joel McHale, Chevy Chase, and my new favorite person Donald Glover, it’s my dream show. This Week: WATCH IT. I’ll know if you don’t.

Outsourced

Remember about 5 minutes ago when I said I take Thursday night comedy really seriously? I wasn’t kidding. That’s why Outsourced makes me want to take back the nice things I said about Community so I can make them hateful and cram them down an NBC executive’s throat. It’s painfully unfunny and vaguely racist. I don’t expect it to be around long but one episode of this is one too many. This Week: Don’t watch. Actually don’t watch it any week.

Kahlai, you magnificent bastard