This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
September 23rd, 2009
Volume xl Issue 3
HEALTH AND WELLNESS
CAMEL RELEASES CIGARETTES WITH ANTIOXIDANTS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
WINSTON, NC—In a move that’s been widely heralded as the best thing since “ghetto booty up in your grill,” the R.J. Reynold’s subsidiary Camel has unveiled Gojiçaípomberry ciga rettes–a new take on the classic death stick. The cigarettes contain anti oxidantrich extracts from the more popular superfruits, including the ac claimed açaí and goji berries. With the product’s release coming on the heels of a milestone study published last week entitled “306 More Reasons Why Antioxidants Win,” Camel executives have high ex !"#$%$&'()*+',*+'-,$./0-%,$",*!,'1$)2 “Antioxidants are the future. Cancer is not,” remarked CEO Daniel 32* 4"5"(2* 67"8,"* 19.$&(9* 1,"* :&$.;* :"55;*1,"2< Public reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, as ten out of ten doctors agree that antioxi dants are “super healthy.” Christy Lane, a typical house
wife living the suburbs of Philadel phia, never thought she’d encourage her children to smoke. “I pack two Go jiçaípomberry cigarettes in my son’s lunch every day,” she said, beaming. Mrs. Lane’s son is in fourth grade. “My six daughter already has cancer, so she’s on a strict regimen of three packs a day [and she doesn’t get ="))",$* -($&5* )."* 1(&).")* $.">* %55?;<* added Mrs. Lane. The rest of America, it seems shares Christy’s sentiment. According to a recent Gallup poll, “93 percent of Americans fucking love antioxidants” despite only four percent of the popu lation “actually knowing what antioxi dants are.” Other industries have taken note of Camel’s success, and consum ers should expect to see antioxidant 155"=* @-$$",;* @"",;* %(=* 9-()* .&$$&(9* store shelves soon. Although the New England Consortium of Good Doctors supports the product, opposition does exist in some areas of the midwest. “Bogues aren’t cool anymore,
News Quickies Medium edges out Centurion in Forbes Best Campus Media Awards.
Visitors to the Rutgers page on the Forbes website will not be surprised to see The Medi um* 5&)$"=* %)* %(* '+1#&%5* 6Best Campus Media” award winner. This highly prestigious title is even more relevant under the aus pices of numerous other distinctions bestowed upon Rutgers, including the coveted merit of being the 437th Best College in America.
Freshman biddie turnout reaches seven year high.
bro,” posited sixteen year old Ed die Marks, as he admired the latest handiwork of his tattoo artist — a gi %($* A':)",* )-,1(9* %(=* :%&5&(9* '(* %* double necked guitar. “Nothing gets me going more than knowing I’ll live continued, “CIGGIES,” page 2
Early presemester projections had pre dicted a particularly low number of “fuckable biddies” appearing on campus this year. “Given the state of the econo >B;* :"* "C!"#$"=* %(* &(D-C* '+* E(=&%()* and other undesirable internationals,” commented expert analyst Ian Gabriel. “After three weekends of observation, &$8)*#5"%,*$.%$*$."*'+1#&%5*A&==&"*F'-($* needs to be revised.” Average hotness campuswide was reported to be 7.2 out of 10, an unprecedented 26% increase from last year’s numbers.
TKE HAS BEST RUSH TURNOUT OF ANY FRAT EVER BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES FRATERNITY CORRESPONDENT
NEW BRUNSWICK—Thanks to a recent adver tising campaign in The Medium, Tau Kappa Epsi lon has had a record number of young men turn up for rush events. This practically guarantees that their fraternity will dominate Greek life at the Uni versity this year. “When I saw their skillfully laidout ad vertisement,” said freshmen John Pound, “I knew this fraternity was where I could go to become the man I know I can be. Forget the Army.” The sheer number of applicants has al lowed TKE to be particularly choosy with their crop of incoming pledges. According to chapter member Anthony Adams, nearly all of their re cruits have 3.5 or higher GPAs, rock Oakleys even when it’s dark, can hold their liquor like gods, and have feet that look spectacular in sandals. The Medium encourages other Greek orga nizations interested in kicking ass to submit their ads to email@example.com
A SEAFOOD BLOWOUT!
Mama Brower bombs the Raritan !"#$%!#&'(#)*#+,%+-,-!)"*#.",#/)*$#0%+!1*%# 0)$(!2#3()4(#3-'#-5'"61!%672#8%6)4)"1'672#1*9"'(%,:
SUBMIT YOUR ARTICLES TO NEWS@THEMEDIUM.NET It’s Delicious! ESTABLISHED 1970
“There’s nothing wrong with a teenage rabbit teaching good hygiene.”
VMAs Crashed BY Unknown Black Man BY SOUTH POLE DIVERSITY DIRECTOR
across the nation were stunned last week when Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for “Best Female Video” was interrupted by a mysterious unknown black fellow. Taylor Swift expressed disbe lief about the night of her life being ru ined by the perpetrator. “For a second, I thought Lupe Fiasco was coming to give me a surprise congratulations. It wasn’t until he pulled the mic from my hand that I realized I had no idea who the fuck was stealing my spotlight.” * K3L* '+1#&%5)* .%M"* @""(* -( able to hypothesize on the unknown ="5"!'#3",9)*$#(-,8#!"# man’s identity. According to reports, 5,)*$#(">%#!(%#5-4"* he wears large, dark glasses at all hours of the day and has a fondness for cou ture fashion, Hennessey, and autotune. While the rogue has yet to reveal his true identity, he has issued
BUSY AS A BEE
an characteristically douchey state ment apologizing for his outburst. The post, which consisted of twentythree lines of capitalized gibberish, is cur rently being deciphered by a team of VMA cryptologists. The only line that has been successfully unlocked reads as follows: “Yo this apology is pretty good and imma keep sayin’ it but word, Bill Clinton had one of the best apolo gies of all time, he’s the man.”$
Outofwork robots resort to domestic violence BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
DETROIT—Marriage counseling services everywhere are overwhelmed by the sheer number of domestic vio lence cases between robotic couples, especially among robots recently laid off by the auto industry. According to the latest crime reports provided by the Bureau of Ro botic Relations (BRR), instances of vi olence in the household and workplace between robots has risen 1,200% over the course of two years. “Robots, especially the ones with arms or lasers are becoming increasingly more violent towards friends and spouses in record num bers,” said Chief Robot Liaison Her bert Warren. “It should be seen as a sign of the tough times that we all face as Americans.” Sociologists believe that this new wave of violence is a result of the 1#G5"* "#'('>B* %(=* $.%$* -(">!5'B ment among robots is to blame. In light of the recent crises, General Motors had no choice but to 1,"*%!!,'C&>%$"5B*HIJ*'+*&$)*%-$'>%$ ed workforce while also temporarily
suspending the rest without vacation. “These displaced automatons do not have any experience with un employment or any other skills outside of their respective job on the assembly line,” explained Penn State Sociology Professor Bob Howard. Other industries are starting to feel the pinch. Antivirus health clinics have had few paying customers lately, and merchants everywhere are report ing a severe decrease in gigabyte RAM upgrades as more and more robots face -(#",$%&(*1(%(#&%5*+-$-,")2 Said Howard, “These work ers have no money, no livelihoods. Al cohol and WD40 are used as coping mechanisms and naturally, the combi nation of the two results in terrible, ter rible things.” According to research done by Howard, robots “hopped up on the forty” are twice as likely to reactivate themselves and engage in violence against their robot wives or children. When asked about this behavior, robot spokesman Model PX430B said “In )-+1#&"($* ='55%,* &(!-$2* N"/,'-$&(9* %( ger towards wife. Insert more booze.”
SPORTS Nets Basketball game, but officials at NJ Blood Services are completely puzzled why there was a lack of interest. “To say we’re shocked is BY TORGO VAN PELT an understatement,” said Charles STAFF WRITER Grossenbacher, Executive Director for NJBS. “Why would NEW BRUNSWICK— anyone not want to see N e w J e r s e y B l o o d a team which traded Services announced away any star power t o d a y t h a t t h e i r they once had while simultaneously pissing Universitywide blood off every person in drive, held earlier this the state with their September, acquired a proposal to move to miniscule grand total of Brooklyn?” UNLESS 15 pints. T h i s b l o o d Speculation for YOU’RE GAY. d r i v e b r o k e t h e the lack of blood received is currently previous record low of 43 pints set in focused on the offer to potential 2000, when donors were given the gift donors of free tickets to a New Jersey of dinner and a movie with Carrot Top.
“BLOOD FOR NETS” DRIVE NETS LITTLE BLOOD
!"#$%&!'(%)*+#,(% -*"%$!-.&(/ 0+"%)*+%1,(/
“CIGGIES,” continued from front
has included “organic rat poison” in an honest attempt to make its cigarettes healthier. past 40.” “Fuck that shit,” continued Mr. The response is partly induced by the recent “Smoke or Die” cam Marks. “I don’t fuckin’ roll with the paign launched by Camel earlier this healthy side of life. I might as well just year. Along with antioxidants, Camel eat broccoli in the school parking lot.”
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
!"#$%&'#(')*#+, -.(./#(/0!"#$%& 123#(+330-.(./+& 4+(#%&0!"#$%&
?,.+!%F,!= @3",$E#,&#F.()"/%65F.()" F.(1$G',+#-*
Ain’t no "*%#9*"3':
Available exclusively at: B+C300!"#$%&3 @&"%>'(!D(/ D.'+'#$H.8'* <+.$2&+30!"#$%& G"+'2%B(D$"!5" D:#(#%(30!"#$%& 5#8#,$%.;I(##, >&$30!"#$%& D.+'#$5(**'., 5+&3%(.630!"#$%& H.8#$J)=-'.;3
5+&3%(.630!"#$%& 7*.$8304*.9#(80!"#$%& )%:;+"#$%& 4$.,,05*%$%/&.:*+& <.=26$;0>"?#3%& @+3#"+($0A%2=*+
?($8"..(%B-5C() %'0#$B(3,3 C-',,$D3#-,#1+8%>D(!*,! E.-=.-.$5##& @**E&-$="$
!"#$%#&'()$'*$+"#$#,+#-+.',)#,+$/##012$34$5(+6#-*$7,'8#-*'+29$:3$.-+';1#$-#<-#*#,+*$+"#$3<','3,$34$+"#$%#&'()$.,&$'+*$.(+"3-*9$!"#$%#&'()$'*$.$*.+'-#$<(=1';.+'3,>$.,&$$*"3(1&$ !"#"$%&"%'()"!%*"$+,-*./0%12"%,345"%,3%'2"%6"7+-8%+*%.,5('"7%+!%9,,8%:;<%,3%'2"%9-'="$*%>'-7"!'%?"!'"$%('%'2"%?,.."="%@#"!-"%?(8A-*0% !"'*$'**(#$'*$&#&';.+#&$+3$;3<<',?$.11$0',&*$34$&3)#9$@(*+$+-2',6$+3$6#+$)2$&'*;$/#+>$23($0,3/A
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
Do you remember the 21st of September Ba De Ya dancing in September
Map Of Busch Campus - home of the Model Minority
Or if you’re white....you are the Minority
Horoscopes Fuck Leo’s and Aquarius’ Virgo (August 23 September 22): Money’s tight and you’re stuck decid ing whether to switch to rock, or stick with your usual blow. Either way, high times are in store, though if you insist on the nose candy, you may have fewer rolledup dollar bills withwhich to snort happiness. Libra (September 23 October 22): This month will make up for when August turned you into a sweaty butterball with the strut of an elephant. You could blame the stars, or remember the spellbinding attractiveness of $.%$*,'%=*:.',";*7"(=B2*O.&)*>'($.*B'-*:'(8$*(""=*%*P,')$B*$'*155*$.')"* voids from your troubled childhood. Scorpio (October 23 November 21): Trying to get things to go your :%B*:&55*@"*5&G"*%*D%>&(9*.'>')"C-%5*:.'*1(=)*.&>)"5+*%5'("*&(*%*5'#G",* room with a hot, and unfortunately strait, football player: It isn’t going to happen. Cut your losses and chill for once. There’s probably a marathon of
Pisces (February 19 March 20): Looking for a sign telling you to tie a lasso around your imagination and drag it down to Earth? This month you’re little too eager to jump into things without thinking them through. Attempting a quickie is no exception. Just remember: No one likes an unwrapped present. Aries (March 21 April 19) That childhood fascination with HumpyDumpty’s shat tering fall has become fused with your common sense. A ride in the country now leads to the rational deduction that a hilly farm would result in cows falling and kill ing themselves. Pure coincidence? Think again. You’re a violent being, so spend this month sleeping during the day, and constructing an Iron Maiden in your roommate’s
shape at night. Taurus (April 20 May 20) You’ve always been known for your stubborn nature, %(=*$.&)*3'($.;*:."(*#'(D&#$*%,&)");*&$*:&55*@,&(9**'-$*B'-,*&((",*R"M&%$.%(2*S'-8,"* plagued by stormy debates that send you on an internet searching frenzy, entering phrases like “crucify your future children” and “wench whore mother” into a transla “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” you can watch instead. tor in an attempt to make stealthy jabs at your opponent in German. Sagittarius (November 22 December 21): When a friend comes on to Gemini (May 21 June 20) If the twins who make up the constellation Gemini got you, stop and think. Just because they’re sitting there with their pants together and fucked, their weird inbred child, in all its confused, alien glory, would around their ankles doesn’t mean you should freak out, or immediately get bear striking resemblance to your current mental state. The confusing circumstances +,&)GB2*Q"M",*>&(=*.':*B'-*+""5*%@'-$*$.">2*4"#&="*1,)$*'(*:%B)*B'-*#%(* B'-*:&55*1(=*B'-,)"5+*&(*:&55*'(5B*@"*#'>!'-(="=*:."(*B'-*,"#%55*%55*$."*)&>&5%,& milk them of their resources. If they don’t have any, they weren’t really ties between yourself and the genetically inferior product of celestial incest B'-,*+,&"(=*&(*$."*1,)$*!5%#"2* Cancer (June 21 July 22)*T&M&(9*B'-,*)&)$",*$."*>'("B*'(*.",*UH$.*@&,$.=%B*$'* Capricorn (December 22 January 19): If your boss catches you steal 9'*'-$*%(=*9"$*6R"9%5*)&(#"*HVWXVYZ<*$%$$''"=*'(*.",*%))*!,'@%@5B*:%)(8$*$."*@")$* ing paper, ink cartridges, or the occasional inhalant from the supply closet, idea. But you’ve gotten inked in the past, even if it was only done by your friend keep your cool. Simply remind him or her that he or she can write these in Sharpie during English composition. It’s true that your desire to legitimize your items off to the Petty Cash Fund. Tell him or her you learned this in your membership in the Pen15 club has never subsided, but you just weren’t born with 1,)$*)">")$",*%##'-($&(9*#5%));*)'*B'-8,"*!,"$$B*>-#.*%(*"C!",$2 the same balls as your sister.
THE MEDIUM Colin Fong EditorinChief Born into the world with a grand love of anime and the culture of Ja pan, he was thrust into his position as EditorinChief because he was the only one that was able to read. Even though he doesn’t understand American humor, or why these stupid Gaijin even bother to attempt to entertain, because their pitiful attempts are miserable, in comparison to the glorious, beautiful art form of Anime. He once spent an entire month jumping from anime con to anime con, he eventually collapsed from exhaustion and Pockyoverdose.
A Typical Me
John Bender Managing Editor I seriously hate writing these things. I never know what to say and no matter what I do to be creative or funny, it comes off as douchey or directly paraphrased from the diary entries of some wellknown pedophile. Well fuck that. I’m a Criminal Justice Major yet Rutgers won’t let me declare yet because I lack the appropri %$"*#5%))")*$'*'+1#&%55B*="#5%,"2*E*.%M"* half of the Major done, yet I’ve been RU Screwed (Milledoler to Lucy Stone to Milledoler to Van Dyke to Milledoler to Lucy Stone) and will potentially have to go Super Senior in order to graduate. Worked for Goku, so it better work for me.
Keith St. Lawrence Features Editor Keith St. Lawrence is a phantasm (phasm) who was trapped inside a pipe organ, and was freed by kids. Out of gratitude he granted their wish to become their comic book heroes, the Big Bad Beetleborgs. Keith was released by play ing 3 notes (And later revealed that playing those same 3 notes, then playing them in reverse would again trap him inside the organ). He acts as an advisor and best friend, he offers needed >%9&#*$'*$."*G&=)*:."(*19.$&(9*$."*N-$9",)* Review, and later the Centurion. Although his magic doesn’t always work the way he would hope for it to. He is the head of the Hill hurst Mansion and is usually the one to keep the house monsters in check.
Reven MacQueen Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen is proud to extend her tenure at The Medium another year and is enthralled by her promotion to Opinions Editor. After being accepted on the prestigious staff of this publication, Reven’s idea leapt out of her mind, onto the pages of the paper, then back into the mind’s of our readers. Described as the “Next Randolph Hearst,” Reven is poised for great suc cess as she has just accepted a job at the New York Times as a Top Level Journalist. Fucking cunt.
Spicy Caramel Personals Editor Spicy Caramel is in your class, in fact, she might even be your roommate an you wouldn’t even know it. She is highly elusive and a master of disguise. This semester, she goes around dressed as a robot just to conceal her identity. In fact, last year, she was one of the brothers at the CROW house AND SHE’S A CHICK! That’s right, she’s that good. She spends her spare time writing personals about you behind your back when you act like a complete drunken douche bag (and when you’re sober too) and hiding from the Feds. No one said being on the Watch List was as cool as it sounds…
Dave Imbriaco Personals Editor Dave is the messiah of the personals page. In a previous life, he led a small group of Jews to freedom but met an untimely end in Palestine. He has since come a second time (HA!) and now instead of trying to usher in the kingdom of god, he provides wisdom and insight to the daily troubles of RU students. When asked for his feelings on his new purpose in life, he simply shook his head and said, “These dipshits are even more insane than my disciples were.”
Tim Swanson Staff Photographer Tim is happily married to the love of his life (2 Years Baby! Luv Ya!) and is looking forward to the birth '+*.&)*1,)$*#.&5=*[$.%$*."*G(':)* of). He is also a level 5 Vegan and only eats dirt.
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
PJ Winters Oldline/Online Editor Peej “PJ” Paul Jones “PeeJay” Winters is old. We made this joke last year and yet it still comes back. Seriously, he is 27 or something, none of us know for sure. He has a real human person job and about 1,230 credits at Rutgers University yet he still hasn’t gotten his de gree in anything. At all. Maybe if his major was Apple Product Whoreology with a minor in Goatee Maintenance, then yes, he would’ve gradu ated. PJ is one of the founders of The Medium which dates back to 1970 when he was going through his 19th premidlifehalflifemidlife crisis. Currently, he makes sure our internets don’t break.
Ryan Buttacavoli Money Man Ryan is a senior at Rutgers with a major in Business Man agement and a minor in Philos ophy. He is a strapping young fellow with many hobbies including lacrosse, carpentry, music, snowboarding, writing, and bud. His biggest ambition in life is to make a living creat ing business plans and selling them from the comfort of his beach hut somewhere in the Caribbean. Ryan can be found any given day on Hardenberg Street chilling to the sweet sound of Bob Marley just loving life.
Abe Stanway News Editor
Katie Russian Arts Editor Katie was born in an alleyway in the Bronx, left by her biological mother to be raised by methheads and bag ladies. However, despite childhood meth addic tion and various other personal struggles this crack baby overcame tremendous odds and was actually accepted into college. She is now majoring in Hentai Production at Mason Gross School of the Arts.
Erinn Koerner Copy Editor Erinn Koerner has spent most of her early child hood in various juvenile detention facilities. She earned her GED while in rehab for her addiction to the TV show ‘Scrubs’. She was accepted to Rutgers through the ‘Second Chance’ program where she is currently an English major and earns .",*5&M&(9*@B*@,""=&(9*)'-$.",(*DB&(9*)0-&,,"5)2*
Mike Vuono Whats Shakin’ Editor Mike Vuono has no grade point average. Fuck you guys.
Abe Stanway is a descendant of a long line of Norwegian royalty, and his lineage can be traced back to the great Thor himself. A staunch advocate of polar bear assimilation, he en joys taking his little pet negro for walks. When he’s not smok ing a joint, he’s rolling another one, and he swears by the power of Oxyclean. Altoids rule!
Katie Daivis News Editor When she took a career aptitude test in high school, she @%+D"=* 9-&=%(#"* #'-()"5',)* %)* $."* #'>!-$",* )!%$* @%#G* that she should be a comedian. Distressed, she walked in front of a car. She met God and learned about all there is to know, until the CPR kicked in and it became apparent she wasn’t going to die after all. God damn it. Her dubi ous fate is to live out the rest of her days as a perpetual asshole because, you know, she kinda knows everything.
Jake Lewandowski Staff Writer If you’re looking for dry writing with semiobscure )!',$)*%(=*!'5&$&#%5*,"+","(#")*'(5B*1M"*!"'!5"*9"$;* you’ve come to a guy close enough to that. Yes, Jake R":%(=':)G&;*$."*9-B*:.'*#%(8$*9'*1M"*)"#'(=)*:&$. out making a MST3K ref… wait a minute, he’s back?!? Holy fuck!
September 23, 2009
“Like seriously guys, best OpEds page ever.” about menial topics with her mandatory ugly fat friend, or M.U.F.F. The hot one will start giving longing, begging looks in your direction as she grows ever jealous of her M.U.F.F. getting all the attention. Tor ture her for a bit, and then di rect a question at her. She’ll cream herself when she gets a “I feel that Medicare and Med chance to talk to you! icaid have actually done more to If there’s no M.U.F.F. hurt than help the people I know. in sight, don’t fret! Sometimes, Disband them immediately.” the best way to meet a pair of D'%$&(9* $&$)* &)* 5&G"* >""$&(9* anyone else¬—just greet her JOHN JONES with a smile and ask for her Spokesman, Private Insurance 4 name. Look her right in the All PAC eye and be ready with a con versation in the holster. You’d “The problem with healthcare be surprised how far a simple is that public, government run “Hi, what’s your name?” can healthcare is expensive because go! the government is only in it for Make sure you sup the money and doesn’t provide port your introduction with a the competition that one or may quick change in topic to keep be two private companies can.” things moving and more im JIM JONES portantly, to keep her interest. HMO CEO There’s always something to talk about at a party—from the poor loser throwing up in the corner (“Aw, we should go “Government paperwork is SO help him out!”) to the asshole hard. On the other hand the hor who’s convinced he’s the best rendous maze that is the approv beer pong player at Rutgers al process created by insurance (“What a fucking loser. Wanna companies is a breeze.” play him next with me?”). That’s all we got for now, folks. Work on your ap proaches this week and be JOAN JONES Girl Doctor sure to check back next time for more advice in “Just the Tip” with Zayin Gadol! If you have a particular question that “Why is the government continu you’d like to be addressed in ally rewarding losers? Tell them “Just the Tip,” email it to opin to suck it up.” firstname.lastname@example.org.
People on the Street: The Healthcare Issue
Call the rabbi! I’d like to say the shecheanu for the M",B* 1,)$* #'5->(* '+* 6\-)$* $."* Tip” published in The Medium, twotime Forbes Best Campus Media Ever list winner. In this column, we’ll be discussing the subtle art of woman pick upetry. “Raise yo’ hands in tha aya, if you’s a true playa’,” says the Notorious B.I.G., and after all, who doesn’t want to be a playa’? Approach is key. This week, we’ll be talking about approaches. A good approach is like a plane landing–do it right, and everything goes smoothly; fuck it up, and you’ll crash and burn faster than a crackhead shotgunning a Red Bull! First, you need to identify your target. This is the easy part, as the ability to pick a suitable girl from a crowd of drunken dudes is hardwired into every man’s brain. Did you know it takes only 1.35 seconds for the male visual hy pocortex to scan a female and judge her on a scale of one to ten?* That’s some quick think
ing! Once you’ve estab lished a feasible vaginal goal, you need to continually moni tor her every move without letting her know you are do ing so. Use sneakypeak eye glances and wait until she’s all by herself. You should use this valuable time to plan your opener. Just rememberdon’t wait too long, and don’t think about it too hard! The last thing you want to do at this point is build anticipation and nervousness—that’ll lead to a =,'!*&(*#'(1="(#";*:.&#.*:&55* be your death knell. After a few minutes, it’s time to engage. If you are fairly attractive, a commonly accepted practice is to lean cockily against the bar with your blowout hair cut, gleam ing with axle grease, and sim ply beckon a girl over. This works about 63 percent of the time. For the rest of us, how ever, there are still plenty of options. A good way to cap ture the interest of a biddy is to strike up conversation
9/11: The Day We Forgot by Reverend Holyfuck As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, today is September 23rd, which means… the 11th has already happened. That’s right. 7"*>&))"=*ZVUU2 You know what that means? Congratulations Facebook Generation! 7"8,"* '+1#&%55B* )&9(&1 cant! We’ve survived '-,* 1,)$* (%$&'(%5* $,%9 edy and have lived long enough to no longer give %* ).&$]* Q'* >',"* D%9)* on cars or infomercials selling useless crap stamped with the twin towers. No one fears boarding planes or peo ple with tans. Kanye West has ,"!5%#"=* ZVUU* #'()!&,%#&")* '(* the Internet, and Bush has fad ed out of the public eye and is back in Texas returning to his simpler life of shooting down
wetbacks and shocking tards. So why does this >%G"* -)* )&9(&1#%($^* O.&(G* about it. We’ve joined the ranks with the generations be fore us: WWI, WWII, the as sassinations of JFK and MLK Jr., Pearl Harbor, Shakespeare in Love winning best picture horrible, horrible tragedies, all
of them, but none happened during our generation’s $&>"2*ZVUU*&)*%*=%B* we all somewhat, barely, kind of re member. We can now celebrate that day as a vague memory and abso lutely nothing else. We’ve clocked in our time of caring, and now its time to reap in the ben "1$)_('* 5'(9",* feeling guilty. Charities for ZVUU* M&#$&>)^* `%]* E$8)* @""(* eight years and that gravy train has ended. Stop crying about your dead loved one and get a job. Iraq? Doesn’t >%$$",2* ZVUU* 5"+$* $."* $%95&("* and so did our attention span. And Bin Laden? Fuck it. We killed Saddam. Bada bing.
JOHN MCJONES Bootstraps Farmer
“Uh, what he said.”
JOHN A. JONES II Twin Brother of John Jones
“If Malcolm X was still alive to day, he would argue that Med icaid was a secret plot by the ‘Mantype Person.’ I’ll stay with my $500 per month HMO, thank you.”
DJ JONESY Professional Black Gang Mem ber that is Black
Wednesday, September 23th, 2009
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"#$!%&'(!)*(!+,!-./*(!-,!.+0!-,!1&2!1&-34!,/!(&-.-00+)0!1&2!3+3)5(!6*+(&!7/28!/*(9: To the gum chewing, bob ble headed barbaric bitch in my history of Italy’s peoples class, stop “uh huh ing” to everything the profes sor says. The man can’t even 1(&).* %* $.'-9.$* %(=* B'-,* already agreeing with him, next time hes gonna pull a curve ball and say some thing like “Italy is a country with a rich history...in fucking up the faces of rattailed cockbag ass kissing bitches in the front row”. No matter how many times you show him the back of your throat he will not let you give him a bj. However, ill let you give me a hummer in the back of class if it will shut you up. Voorhees 3 would like to thank the bitch brunette RA for constantly writing us up for noise complaints, even though were silent during all hours of the day. When we see you on your little fuck ing bike, we instantly think of the wicked witch of the west from The Wizard of Oz. You suck...go bother ,")&="($)*'(*B'-,*':(*D'',2 To the maintenance guys in Clothier the oth er morning: Were you 1C&(9* $."* @%$.,''> door or taking down the Berlin Wall? I’m pretty sure $."*"($&,"*D'',*&)*(':*WYJ deaf because of you. If the 9'%5*:%)*$'*:%G"*>"*-!*%$*H* AM, maybe next time you can just take your hammer and hit me directly in the head. to the sloppy skanks of court landt, your listening to tech no not emo music so theres no need to dance like your in a mosh pit To all you fucking cuntlick ing handholding couples around campus: I Hate All Of YOU! I hope your love ends in misery & STDs...I miss my boyfriend... (We laughed for a good 5 minutes at this one. My guess is your relation ship ended in misery and STDs, am I right?) My skin hurts just look ing at those orange peo ple. ::Peace sign and puckered lips:: The hardest part of adjust ing to college is having to make a masturbating schedule around when your roommate comes and goes.
I just realized that I have a class with a prof. that sounds like Dr. Nick from the S i m p s o n s . To the bitch on my quad, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SKINNY ASS stop strutting around with that stupid bitch smile on your face like you’re the best looking girl in the whole fucking world. Your superiority complex annoys the shit out of me. Wear your asshat some where else. And to the other bitch, that I dunno where the fuck you live...I HATE YOU AND YOUR STU PID FACE Good day. O'* $."* 9-BV9&,5V$,%((B* :.'* send a personal in last week about two guys who can recite commercials “word for word,” Thank You. I have now been immortalized in this lack luster publication. Sor ry about that I was being a loud asshole with those commercials. You must re ally be a pussy though to be afraid to tell us to shut up or be quiet. Grow a pair , if you’re afraid of Drew Carey and fatass’ you probably spend your time hid ing in your room. (First of all, fuck you for calling this a “lack luster” publication. Second, be ing immoralized here gen erally isn’t a good thing...) To the girl in my math class: Shut the fuck up and let other people in the class answer a question when they asked for help you dumb bitch. It drives me insane to know that I have to breath the same air as you for the next 3 months. To all the Mexican moth ers constantly crossing the street with their baby carriages at the most dan gerous and inopportune moments. Have you no fucking concern for lives of your children!? The next time I see you crossing in front of me I won’t hit the brakes To the insane blonde whore bag who I always see at par ties and asks me to make fun of her: here, are you happy now? Now close your god damn legs for once so I don’t have to smell the withering, rotting thing you call a twat
to the new SDT pledges, all of you are ugly skanks. a pledge told me you had to untag your party pic tures because your a classy sorority..right...... (Dude, there’s no such thing as a “Classy sorority”. Ei ther they’re hideous cows !"#$%&'(#)'!"*+,#*-&'*"#).(/# my dick goes no where near them for fear of AIDS.) $'* $."* +%9)* '+* W(=* D'',* metzger, NO ONE will join the frat you cre ated! your group consist of an ex300 lbs nerd, an indian, a retarted look ing kid, poor creepy twins, and an acne covered kid! so STOP posting statuses for people to contact you! (Are they from Sammy by any chance? Su per fail if they are.) to the fat bitch across from me eyeing my sandwich in alexander library, no i am not going to give you half so stop staring! (Hey, fat bitches need lovin’ too, just not from me!) To whoever’s fucking idea it was to shove students into the piece of shit known as the Crowne Plaza. Fuck you for the shitty internet, re sulting in the lack of quality porn or youtube videos, for having 6 god damn chan nels on the tv, for the shitty hotel busses, and for ru ining my life in gen eral. You should bend down right now and pay me the $1400 more that I had to spend to live in this shit hole to fuck you in the ass and then burn your house down. FUCK YOU! To the sluts who live direct ly below us: We are terribly sorry that our “rough and raunchy gay sex” has disturbed your hol lowed out cunt of an existence. Next time one of my roommates asks me for a reach around i will be sure to think of you skanks and make sure i chain %(=* 9%9* .&>* 1,)$2* * Q"C$* time you need a little quiet time for a little two G(-#G5"*).-+D"*%55*B'-*(""=* to do is ask. Until then you are carpet munching t w a t s . Where am I?
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE ALL THINKING... Where’s the other personals page? Well, long story short, some things had to be cut to make room for the Meet the Medium thing. But don’t $.,':*%*@&$#.*1$;*"M",B$.&(9* will be back to normal next week. If you didn’t see your submission here this week, To the ginger I danced with @ the AE Phi par ty last week, where the fuck are you? I miss you raunchyness and your outrageous moves. If your reading I miss you =D (Probably sucking someone else’s cock.) To the emt i saw at the How ard game last week in the stu dent section with the blonde surfer hair. I want to do nas ty shit to you things you’ve never fucking dreamed about. I’ll be in the same spot you helped that kid last week. You were so strong and compassionate. F'>"* 1(=* >"* @%@B (Hopefully you’re hot for his sake.)
To the 30 year old dike ass bitch in the back of my po lice class. Do you have fucking downs sy drome? FAS maybe? Shut the fuck up!! No body wants to hear you fucking speak nobody gives a shit about what you think you know you ghetto ass mother fucker $'* $."* >"=&->;* 1,)$* '+* %55* at the involvement fair, you said there would be free grilled cheese, which there was not, and even though i wrote my email down on the list there, I haven’t gotten any emails. You guys need to get your priorities in o r d e r . I AM SPANISH. Just cause I look white and don’t wear hoop earrings and crunch my hair ev eryday doesn’t mean I’m not Spanish. Dear everyone on the EE, F, NabR;*NabA;*%(=*H*>&55&'(* other buses this school has. STOP LOOKING SO FUCKING DE PRESSED. You are bringing my day down. (Did you ever consider (I don’t think you want to that they’re depressed know the answer to that.) because you’re there?)
IL MEZZO also, don’t whine. They’re 1,)$* &(* 5&("* +',* ("C$* :""G2** The rest of you, FUCK ING SUBMIT PERSON ALS TO PERSONALS@ THEMEDIUM.NET OR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL AAAAAAAAH H H H H H H ! ! !
Dear SamyBrothers, after realizing that the major ity of your brotherhood was comprised of those of the hebrew faith, i was sent into a long period of self hatred and loathing. I emerged from this period having rejected my jewish faith and am now a member of the white supremacy movment. P.S. only girls wear w i n d b r e a k e r s . . . . . FA G G O T S ! To all asshole meat heads who do bicep curls in there )5""!* %(=* @"(#.* WcVI2** We get it, your a god among men. Now put on some thing else besides a fucken guinee tee and stop act ing like your all that. No one cares how big your traps and tri’s are. Fuck you. I hope you guys all go no where in life. fuck you assholes to the dog poop that was on LX today. how did you get there? Did someone bring a dog on the bus, and than let it poop? Did this guy just bring poop on the bus and leave it there? So many ques tions are arising from these logs of poop. To the smelly looking hip py who rides around cam pus on the golden scooter in baggy cargo pants: you sir fucking fail at life. (Come on man, all hip pes smell like shit and fail at life. That’s why they’re hippies! See also hipsters.) Don’t knock the applesauce out of the fridge, asshole. The Red Lion always smells like french fucking frites. It?s a lounge not a damn cafeteria! They act so pomp ous with their 700 dipping sauces. I don?t give a shit, all you need is one. KETCH UP. So stop smelling up the joint with your BULLSHIT. (That shit is MAD overpriced too.)
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
“Give up on all your hopes and dreams.”
!"#$%&'("#)*+%, -.//'0'1233454'674'8'9:;<';=>?@;=';:<A?B'?"*&'&"*$'C#&'D4&8 !"#$%&'()*(&+,-#"(.,/!(0"%#123(!01/(*+#(!0"(4#/!(!15"6(&+,(51//"$(!0"( E4&$'+*5"$'2F'G*+*+5'"#33'F22G'#33'D4#HI' 789:(;(<,/=0(>%5?,/(@(A+!B(C+,#2%5"2!D()*(&+,-#"(2+!(%/1%26( &+,-#"(2+!(%EE+F"$'(G"#1+,/E&'(C0"&(=%2(!"EE(!++6(1*(&+,-#"(E1H"6(%( 0%E4"6(+#(/+5"!0123' 78IJ(;(>#%13-/(K1/!(@()-5(/"EE123(5&(L1H"'()!-/(H12$%(21="6(1!(*+E$/( ,?(%2$(1/(,E!#%@?+#!%LE"'()-5(+2E&(E++H123(*+#(E1H"(M9:J(L,=H/(+#( &2I'JH'32$&'2F'G233&I'8'9IKI NJ8N(;(OP>(@(G?"=1%E(/0+F123(+*(%(0+5"E"//(5%2-/(L%EE/'(Q2(!0"( /,LF%&6(%EE($%&(E+23'(R"-EE(L"(%/E""?6(/+(.,/!(/!%#"(%F%&' NJ89(;(A"E!%(S01(@(G+(%F"/+5"(?+23(!+,#2"&6(L#+'(T"-#"(?E%&123( U%/!"#2(A,!=0(#,E"/6(2+(L+,2="/6(2+(#%12L+F/6(2+(VUWVUCG' NJ8I(;(A"E!%(S01(@(<#+(F0%!(0%??"2"$X(R+F($1$(F"(E+/"X
The Swine Flu. We all have heard dozens of stupid jokes, !,"#%-$&'();*%(=*@'(",d%>)*%@'-$*$.&)*)$-!&=*(":*)$,%&(*'+*D-;*$.%$*E* just assume comes from bacon. Health services is coming out with the vaccine or whatever, and I’m sure all the freshmen will be rushing through the doors of Hurtado desperately grabbing for any needle they see, hoping to get one of the precious doses. Of course, the Swine Flu isn’t all bad. Sure it >%G")*B'-*$.,':*-!;*%(=*=&%,,."%*%55*'M",*$."*D'',* and whatever, but honestly, that’s a pretty good way to lose weight. I mean, it’s not bulimia or any thing, because you can’t even control the throwing up, but you totally are gonna lose like 15 or 20 pounds in just a few days. The cynics of the readers will begin to say to LD'18"MN) themselves “but Swine Flu is a disease, and not !"#$$%&'$()"*+' .'5=&(9*=':(*B'-,*D-&=)*&)*=%(9",'-)2<*P-#G*$.%$;* you know what else was dangerous? The fuckin’ American Revolution. We still did that shit though. And I’m pretty sure we stole all their land after that. All kidding and history lessons aside, the Swine Flu is actually cancelling out the Freshman 15 in recordnumbers. If this trend keeps up, we could be looking at the best Freshmen class since the 1972 MonkeyFever epidemic. Glory days indeed my friend. One can only hope that the Swine P5-*G""!)*'(*$,-#G&(8;*%(=*:"855*@"*@%(9&(9*DB*.-((&")*%55*B"%,;*@,'2
Micro F150 Presents: Fright
Published on Sep 23, 2009
Published on Sep 23, 2009
HEALTH AND WELLNESS HOME DEPOT Medium edges out Centurion in Forbes Best Campus Media Awards. !"# September 23 rd , 2009 Freshman biddie tur...