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September 23rd, 2009
Volume xl Issue 3
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HEALTH AND WELLNESS
CAMEL RELEASES CIGARETTES WITH ANTIOXIDANTS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
WINSTON, NC—In a move that’s been widely heralded as the best thing since “ghetto booty up in your grill,” the R.J. Reynold’s subsidiary Camel has unveiled Gojiçaípomberry ciga rettes–a new take on the classic death stick. The cigarettes contain anti oxidantrich extracts from the more popular superfruits, including the ac claimed açaí and goji berries. With the product’s release coming on the heels of a milestone study published last week entitled “306 More Reasons Why Antioxidants Win,” Camel executives have high ex !"#$%$&'()*+',*+'-,$./0-%,$",*!,'1$)2 “Antioxidants are the future. Cancer is not,” remarked CEO Daniel 32* 4"5"(2* 67"8,"* 19.$&(9* 1,"* :&$.;* :"55;*1,"2< Public reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, as ten out of ten doctors agree that antioxi dants are “super healthy.” Christy Lane, a typical house
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wife living the suburbs of Philadel phia, never thought she’d encourage her children to smoke. “I pack two Go jiçaípomberry cigarettes in my son’s lunch every day,” she said, beaming. Mrs. Lane’s son is in fourth grade. “My six daughter already has cancer, so she’s on a strict regimen of three packs a day [and she doesn’t get ="))",$* -($&5* )."* 1(&).")* $.">* %55?;<* added Mrs. Lane. The rest of America, it seems shares Christy’s sentiment. According to a recent Gallup poll, “93 percent of Americans fucking love antioxidants” despite only four percent of the popu lation “actually knowing what antioxi dants are.” Other industries have taken note of Camel’s success, and consum ers should expect to see antioxidant 155"=* @-$$",;* @"",;* %(=* 9-()* .&$$&(9* store shelves soon. Although the New England Consortium of Good Doctors supports the product, opposition does exist in some areas of the midwest. “Bogues aren’t cool anymore,
News Quickies Medium edges out Centurion in Forbes Best Campus Media Awards.
Visitors to the Rutgers page on the Forbes website will not be surprised to see The Medi um* 5&)$"=* %)* %(* '+1#&%5* 6Best Campus Media” award winner. This highly prestigious title is even more relevant under the aus pices of numerous other distinctions bestowed upon Rutgers, including the coveted merit of being the 437th Best College in America.
Freshman biddie turnout reaches seven year high.
TORCH UP!
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bro,” posited sixteen year old Ed die Marks, as he admired the latest handiwork of his tattoo artist — a gi %($* A':)",* )-,1(9* %(=* :%&5&(9* '(* %* double necked guitar. “Nothing gets me going more than knowing I’ll live continued, “CIGGIES,” page 2
Early presemester projections had pre dicted a particularly low number of “fuckable biddies” appearing on campus this year. “Given the state of the econo >B;* :"* "C!"#$"=* %(* &(D-C* '+* E(=&%()* and other undesirable internationals,” commented expert analyst Ian Gabriel. “After three weekends of observation, &$8)*#5"%,*$.%$*$."*'+1#&%5*A&==&"*F'-($* needs to be revised.” Average hotness campuswide was reported to be 7.2 out of 10, an unprecedented 26% increase from last year’s numbers.
HOME DEPOT
TKE HAS BEST RUSH TURNOUT OF ANY FRAT EVER BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES FRATERNITY CORRESPONDENT
NEW BRUNSWICK—Thanks to a recent adver tising campaign in The Medium, Tau Kappa Epsi lon has had a record number of young men turn up for rush events. This practically guarantees that their fraternity will dominate Greek life at the Uni versity this year. “When I saw their skillfully laidout ad vertisement,” said freshmen John Pound, “I knew this fraternity was where I could go to become the man I know I can be. Forget the Army.” The sheer number of applicants has al lowed TKE to be particularly choosy with their crop of incoming pledges. According to chapter member Anthony Adams, nearly all of their re cruits have 3.5 or higher GPAs, rock Oakleys even when it’s dark, can hold their liquor like gods, and have feet that look spectacular in sandals. The Medium encourages other Greek orga nizations interested in kicking ass to submit their ads to managing@themedium.net
A SEAFOOD BLOWOUT!
Mama Brower bombs the Raritan !"#$%!#&'(#)*#+,%+-,-!)"*#.",#/)*$#0%+!1*%# 0)$(!2#3()4(#3-'#-5'"61!%672#8%6)4)"1'672#1*9"'(%,:
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