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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue III
September 22nd, 2010
THOUGHTS
WINDOWS XXX-P
LOW-PERFORMING COMPUTERS LACK SEX DRIVE Some cease to be turned on
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
RECORDS HALL—The general student body has placed a heavy load on the campus networks, and computers have proven to be largely unresponsive to their needs. As a result of slow connectivity, the level of output has been remarkably low, and students are demanding that the computers put out more. “This is a classic RU Screw!” said junior Luke Schmidt. “… only it’s not, because I sure ain’t seeing any bitches getting screwed. And it really sucks… only I ain’t seeing much of that either.” Some students recommend the campus discard the dys-
functional computers for ones that are not quite as old, but Computing Services is not ready to give up on them just yet. They feel they have a special connection with the computers that other students do not have, which may allow them to best understand the computer’s needs. Computing Services has been in situations before where EJECTILE DYSFUNCTION Stop laughing you jerk the system went down on them, but have consistently done a choppy hookups and slow startgood job ensuring things never up speeds. became excessively messy. “There are certain things Kyle James, manager of the Office of Instructional Technol- we’ve come to expect from our ogy, believes that an improved computers. First and foremost, hard drive will most likely result you need to be able to get it on,” in enhanced performance. He said James. “That’s the most baalso issued an apology for the sic necessity.”
PARK-N-LEARN
Parking relief in sight: students permitted to park in dining, lecture halls BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—In light of the recent overselling of parking permits crisis, Rutgers officials scrambled to find practical solutions to a very real crisis. In the emergency restructuring plan submitted to the Board of Governors, Director of Transportation Management Rick Gordon highlighted alternative parking plans that would provide parking spaces without having to waste capital improvement resources. “In short, we will convert the infrequently used open spaces in dining and lecture halls into viable parking spaces for our students,” said Gordon. “Professors barely use the open space in the front of the hall, space that can put to much better use than learning.” By using wasted space in the buildings, it has been estimated that 162 additional spaces can be retroactively added while also providing students with additional perks. “Because of the additional
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21 spaces that are being added to Brower Commons, we figured why not expand the popular take-out program by placing a drive-thru window in the basement!” Brower Facilities Director Michelle Rybek enthusiastically exclaimed to reporters. While this proposal seems great on paper, there are some concerns for the safety of students who are not driving inside the repurposed buildings, specifically the amount of carbon dioxide created by the idling engines and the potential impact
that a 2-ton impact would have on a fragile freshman’s body. Using current pedestrian safety statistics, it is highly likely that 50 students will die as a direct result of car accidents with a margin of error of +/- 10 students. This statistical likelihood comes as great news to Rutgers because out of those 40-50 casualties, at least one student is a commuter with a valid parking pass. After reacquiring the permit Rutgers can turn around and sell it to 10 students.
The Literary Event of the Year! ESTABLISHED 1970
PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT QUESTIONS EXISTENCE; CLOSES BY DESMOND LEE STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Rutgers University’s Philosophy Department, which is currently ranked second in the nation, has been shut down indefinitely after faculty realized that they cannot be sure if the department itself exists. This crisis began in Scott Hall, where SAS freshman Landon McLaugerdy, sarcastically asked Prof. Zenon Foder in the Intro to Philosophy class “if the [Rutgers] philosophy department is so great how come it can’t prove that it exists?” Students reported that Foder stood with his mouth agape for about ten minutes. Foder then began seizing and twitching, wat which point a sobbing TA called for the dismissal of the class. Yesterday after a five hour meeting in the Philosophy building on Seminary Hill, a press conference was held where Foder released a series of three statements. “It is impossible to be sure of anything. Now, if this is true then we cannot be sure if the philosophy department exists,” said Foder. “Because we have come to accept these realities, we have decided to close down the Philosophy department until we can prove it exists, or until we can prove that we [the philosophy faculty] exist.” The fate of the department appeared to be sealed on Monday night when the Philosophy department building was burned to the ground by Prof. Lee Stitch who has vowed to “set all of Livingston Campus on fire in order to become an Ubermensch” Despite a high demand for the return of the philosophy courses, President McCormick has made the decision to transfer the department’s budget to the football team.