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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue III
September 22nd, 2010
LOW-perfORMing computers lack sex drive Some cease to be turned on
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
RECORDS HALL—The general student body has placed a heavy load on the campus networks, and computers have proven to be largely unresponsive to their needs. As a result of slow connectivity, the level of output has been remarkably low, and students are demanding that the computers put out more. “This is a classic RU Screw!” said junior Luke Schmidt. “… only it’s not, because I sure ain’t seeing any bitches getting screwed. And it really sucks… only I ain’t seeing much of that either.” Some students recommend the campus discard the dys-
functional computers for ones that are not quite as old, but Computing Services is not ready to give up on them just yet. They feel they have a special connection with the computers that other students do not have, which may allow them to best understand the computer’s needs. Computing Services has been in situations before where EJECTILE DYSFUNCTION Stop laughing you jerk the system went down on them, but have consistently done a choppy hookups and slow startgood job ensuring things never up speeds. became excessively messy. “There are certain things Kyle James, manager of the Office of Instructional Technol- we’ve come to expect from our ogy, believes that an improved computers. First and foremost, hard drive will most likely result you need to be able to get it on,” in enhanced performance. He said James. “That’s the most baalso issued an apology for the sic necessity.”
Parking relief in sight: students permitted to park in dining, lecture halls BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—In light of the recent overselling of parking permits crisis, Rutgers officials scrambled to find practical solutions to a very real crisis. In the emergency restructuring plan submitted to the Board of Governors, Director of Transportation Management Rick Gordon highlighted alternative parking plans that would provide parking spaces without having to waste capital improvement resources. “In short, we will convert the infrequently used open spaces in dining and lecture halls into viable parking spaces for our students,” said Gordon. “Professors barely use the open space in the front of the hall, space that can put to much better use than learning.” By using wasted space in the buildings, it has been estimated that 162 additional spaces can be retroactively added while also providing students with additional perks. “Because of the additional
The car in front is a Toyota
21 spaces that are being added to Brower Commons, we figured why not expand the popular take-out program by placing a drive-thru window in the basement!” Brower Facilities Director Michelle Rybek enthusiastically exclaimed to reporters. While this proposal seems great on paper, there are some concerns for the safety of students who are not driving inside the repurposed buildings, specifically the amount of carbon dioxide created by the idling engines and the potential impact
that a 2-ton impact would have on a fragile freshman’s body. Using current pedestrian safety statistics, it is highly likely that 50 students will die as a direct result of car accidents with a margin of error of +/- 10 students. This statistical likelihood comes as great news to Rutgers because out of those 40-50 casualties, at least one student is a commuter with a valid parking pass. After reacquiring the permit Rutgers can turn around and sell it to 10 students.
The Literary Event of the Year! ESTABLISHED 1970
PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT QUESTIONS EXISTENCE; CLOSES BY DESMOND LEE STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Rutgers University’s Philosophy Department, which is currently ranked second in the nation, has been shut down indefinitely after faculty realized that they cannot be sure if the department itself exists. This crisis began in Scott Hall, where SAS freshman Landon McLaugerdy, sarcastically asked Prof. Zenon Foder in the Intro to Philosophy class “if the [Rutgers] philosophy department is so great how come it can’t prove that it exists?” Students reported that Foder stood with his mouth agape for about ten minutes. Foder then began seizing and twitching, wat which point a sobbing TA called for the dismissal of the class. Yesterday after a five hour meeting in the Philosophy building on Seminary Hill, a press conference was held where Foder released a series of three statements. “It is impossible to be sure of anything. Now, if this is true then we cannot be sure if the philosophy department exists,” said Foder. “Because we have come to accept these realities, we have decided to close down the Philosophy department until we can prove it exists, or until we can prove that we [the philosophy faculty] exist.” The fate of the department appeared to be sealed on Monday night when the Philosophy department building was burned to the ground by Prof. Lee Stitch who has vowed to “set all of Livingston Campus on fire in order to become an Ubermensch” Despite a high demand for the return of the philosophy courses, President McCormick has made the decision to transfer the department’s budget to the football team.
Wednesday, September 22th, 2010
"Next time you make love to a woman, you have to say: 'I'm going to fuck you to death.'"
R U DRUNK?
PUBLIC SAFETY TO OFFER Christine O'Donnell Burned At The Stake BY SUM DUM JOO DRUNK DRIVING LESSONS NEWS EDITOR BY OLIVER CLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
EORGE STREET—RutG gers has a serious problem with drunk driving. Students aren’t very good at it. To remedy the problem Rutgers Public safety administration is now offering classes to educate inebriated vehicular control. Last semester 579 students were arrested for driving while under the influence. Many of those arrests were made after the irresponsible students had wrecked their idiot boxes. The total damage from the accidents totaled over $800 million. Director of transportation Jack Molenaar stated that those costs were way too high. He was overheard saying that only he “should waste that much money.” Students have read-
ily embraced the idea of driving shitfaced with more precision. Slots for the course filled up within a period of three days. Drunk with rage, some have resorted to throwing bottles of whiskey at the public safety building in protest after being turned away because of a lack of instructors. “Typical RU screw,” said Keith Powers, an SAS senior as he chucked an empty bottle of Jack Daniels against the granite building. He then proceeded to vomit in nearby bushes Classes will begin on September 29th at 1:30 am. Students will be behind the wheel of their car primarily on Easton Ave. and Commercial Ave. If students are not sufficiently intoxicated instructors will provide alcohol while in the car.
Soon after her victory in the Delaware Republican primaries, Christine O’Donnell was abducted by a large crowd wielding torches and pitchforks . O’Donnell, a Tea Party candidate running for Senate, defeated mainstream Republicans, to become the major candidate for the Delaware Republican Party. Soon after she grabbed the attention of the media, videos started appearing in which she admitted to participating in witchlike practices. Democrats and Republicans alike were terrified of this magical witch rising to power. “With one poof, she can do away with Social Security and Health Care as we know it,” said a shaking Walter Grubbman of Newark. “I mean, she’s against abortion, pornography, Social Se-
MAGICAL MYSTERY WHORE
She may be the face of a new America , or insane.
curity, and strong gun laws. She must be some kind of magical being or space alien to believe in all this.” He also added that "she believes in Creationism. That counts as magic." “This is a sad day for Republicans who believe in magical forces,” said Amy Schultz, head of Women In Touch with their Crazy Heads, or
EPA NAMES AXE AS PUBLIC POLLUTANT NUMBER ONE BY KCIG ARTS EDITOR
THE LAND OF POLITICS AND OVER-ACHIEVING COLLEGE INTERNS— The EPA is about to publish a study naming Axe brand deodorant spray as the leading source of air pollution in the United States. "Gaseous emissions from automobiles account for about 15.9 million metric tons of ecologically depleting compounds per day," said head researcher, Dr. Donald Reinhardt, PhD. "It is estimated that almost twice as much Axe aresol deodorant is sprayed into the atmosphere per day." Based on the above data and market analy-
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
W.I.T.C.H. However, investigators have discovered that not all involved intended to punish her for her magical ways. “I only wanted to burn her alive because she looks and acts just like Sarah Palin,” said UDel student Juan Hernandez. “I mean, the resemblance is almost uncanny. “
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
sis, the 10% of American males who are consumers of the Unilever product, by conservative estimates, each use approximately 2 metric tons of the product per day. In a related, recently published study, the amount of Axe in the atmosphere has an inverse relationship to levels of female arousal. Based on historical and extrapolated data, the study shows that as usage levels of Axe deodorant have risen since its introduction into the market in 1983, self-reported survey data of females about their frequency and intensity of sexual arousal have shown a steady decline, and have since reached an all time low.
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Erinn Koerner Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to surreal humor. Because your parents are dead and I like to lick stamps.
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
“o000o0o0o0o0oooooo you make me wanna...”
A Treatise on Freshmen and Their Relation to the Super Senior Reason 1: If you’re anything like me, than you’ll reach the end of your college career missing some random requirement needed for your major thus forcing you to go back and take some lower level class after youʼve already fucking completed all of the 400 level ones Annoying as this is, actually taking a “freshmen” class isnʼt the reason why being a super senior sucks balls, the god damn fresh-
men in the class with you are. Donʼt get me wrong, I actually love taking lower level classes now that I’m a senior. They’re awesome: the professor babies the shit out of your class, the course work is a joke and the grading is so ridiculous that just being on the roster grants you a passing grade. However, an easy GPA boost comes with a price of sitting in a room full of the reason why the class has to
A Call to Arms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By Johnny J - Contributing Writer Perhaps my commuter life style is getting in the way, but overall, I’m not seeing enough acts of tomtoolery this year. Studies I have conducted in my basement show that decreased levels of generaldouchery can lead to mild increases in tranquility and prosperity, which is NOT what Rutgers is about.
By Reverend Holyfuck - Editor In Chief
be so mind numbing. Being a senior in a freshmen class is like playing frisbee with a bunch of paraplegics. It’s fun for about 5 minutes and then you want to kill yourself. Not only are they retarded, but also under classmen have the unfortunate characteristic of being bold and ambitious. They haven’t quite been fucked by Rutgers yet and they’re hopeful, and as a result they’re all too eager to make friends and have unnecessarily loud conversa-
Freshmen, you need to step up your game, grow a pair and go urinate in public places (My personal fancy – The Targum stacks in Brower). Old faces, what happened to you? You used to be cool. I get on campus enough, I’m too drawn to the atmosphere of forced learning (common fact - nobody who bothers to walk around campus actually wants to be here for the sake of education, the few scholarly hold outs have transformed their dorm rooms into gated enclaves of learning that also function as shelters from the pos-
tions about what they’re going to do tonight... which is always, always, always getting wasted. This leads into Reason 1.2: All your classes are full of fucking idiots. As you get older, you’ll come to ﬁnd that not all the stereotypes you know are true. For instance, not all Asians are bad driverssome are drowned before they’re old enough to drive. Not all black people eat watermelon, because a lot them
have diabetes and can’t. The point is don’t relish in the thought that those bros and sorority bitches sitting next to you in your freshmen psych 101 class are going to drop out because they’re too stupid to make it through college. This isnʼt high school, and getting a degree is much cooler than working at Costco. In fact, they actually have a better chance of making it the four years than you do. Why? Because they’re part of a system that
sibly impending Zombie apocalypse) and the odor of debauchery, that I am thoroughly convinced that this is indeed what is going on. Does the blame lie with Greek Life? Are they not living up to Animal House expectations? No, cast not the stone in their direction. The Man comes down hard on the humble Greeks, all of the anti-hazing rules have taken out half the attraction of joining up (commonly denied fact – people enjoy being turned into walking jokes, try it out on your friends as much
actually succeeds in being drunk, diseased ridden and attending classes. You on the other hand, with no social skills or conﬁdence to speak of will sit in your dorm and masturbate until you chaff something. If you manage to survive long enough to take your seminar, be prepared to face some major stupidity. Because the sad fact is, college isn’t hard its just work. Which makes being a super senior more depressing.
as possible, they’ll thank you for it!). The fault lies with the everyman; with the girl you saw standing at Busch Campus Center bus stop, and that guy wearing the blue hoodie at Scott Hall. Rise up my friends, rise to the occasion, let go of your distorted views of a better world, and tear down any concepts of decency or courtesy! Realize your full potential, and become the tool you were meant to be! (This article is sponsored by Parentheses (Yeah Parenthesis! ())™)
Neil P. Kypers was spotted with AList celeb Kim Kardashian in the Olde Queens Tavern on Easton Ave Tuesday night. The pair were seen laughing and engaging in some PDA near the back of the bar. Rumors of a sex tape have not been denied as of yet.
Exclusive Video Special Report with Hellfire Pat You’ve seen him spreading the good word around campus. We’ve seen him too, and we were lucky enough to nab an Exclusive Video Special Report (EVSR) with the one and only Hellfire Pat.
Catch it on our website at www.themediumonline.com
Just try not to get overcome.
Submit to Features@themediumonline.com
Shades of Crap If you’ve ever been to any of the Rutgers dining halls, fitness centers, campus centers, morgues, or underground caverns, you’ve probably noticed the one constant that connects each of these: the redundant, almost nauseating music that is always played. Always. Music choices at these locations vary from Eminem, the
One of the Above Mentioned Female Pop-Stars
Black Eyed Peas, Katy Perry, and whoever it was that sings that song insinuating that airplanes in the night sky are floating bits of dust left behind from a comet that enter the Earth’s atmosphere. It makes me sad to say that I know the words to these songs only because they’ve been pounded into my head like a World of Warcraft player trying to have sex with his computer. Rutgers receives free (I think) XM satellite radio. Yes, that’s right, we have the option of listening to whatever the hell we want to, and yet we’re constantly berated by Miley Cyrus declaring her vagina open for summer. That would only entice me if she were over 18 and not a crazy, Electra complex freak. There is another constant to be found with this music: without the lyrics, they all sound the same. To clarify, IT’S JUST THE SAME GODDAMNED BEAT USED OVER AND OVER AGAIN. If you doubt this, search for “Tik Tok Califonia Gurls” on Youtube; you’ll find that the only difference between the two songs is that one of the singers is actually a lemur. I suppose my point is this: to everyone who controls the radios at the dining halls, fitness centers, and wherever else music is played, stop giving us Top 40 or I might go Terry Jones on your ass and grow an awesome handlebar mustache and then threaten to burn something. That’s just how I roll.
That’s all for now, Das Flug
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
“I’m Telling Reven.”
Internet Hero Pro-Bro-No BY: JOHNNY J Contributing Writer
Every now and then, something really important comes along and inspires courageous people to act, rise up, and become heroes. This is not one of those times. However… “I am a man on a mission” I think to myself, as I sit in my boxers, lonely and cold in a bed at one-thirty in the morning. A gross violation of my rights has recently been brought to my attention, by none other than me, and the World Wide Web. What right you say? (I have made the assumption that you are the type that speaks to their newspaper, or else you would not be trifling over this article. Do turn the page; there is a really interesting tidbit there under the picture with the things in it. Jolly good fun.) The right to general
creepiness has been removed! ISawYouRutgers.com is no longer updated with fresh sightings! I have now been denied the daily exercise of mustering the courage to anonymously tell that ravishing-young-ladythat-I-almost-made-eye-contact-with that I think she is the bees-knees! Where now, shall I post passive-aggressive notes about people who piss me off? I refuse to return to stickynotes, which have already put a dent in my wrought iron wallet, since everyone pisses me off. I for one, intend to track down the slackers in charge of ISawYouRutgers, and hide letters of complaint in places that they may potentially check by accident, when they can’t find their keys. I’m Johnny J, and I’m here to say, give me ISawYouRutgers today, or you are a meaniehead.
What the Fuck Rutgers?
The Medium: What are You Missing?
Do people not look in the mirror before going outside? What the fuck is going through people’s mind? You’re not cool. New clothes are not vintage. You are not an individual because there’s well over a hundred other severely misled retards parading around campus with checkered pants, neon hair or shoes, horn-rimmed glasses, or some other piece of shit that makes me wonder what the fuck happened to eugenics. This is 2010...take a fucking shower and stop trying to make a statement. Also, why the fuck would you walk to class in fucking stilettos? And to the “thugs” of RutgersNo, I don’t want to see your boxers or your ass, so pull your up fucking pants or just don’t bother with pants all together because clearly either you really want the attention or you’re having trouble understanding a sizing chart, let alone the concept of a fucking belt....
For many years The Medium has been the entertainment weekly at Rutgers; primarily that
BY: SEA AND LAND Contributing Writer
What the fuck Rutgers?
BY: RFRFRFRFR Staff Writer
meant the smut weekly. Where have all the boobies gone?? I demand a return of the boobs. People should be embarrassed to look at this paper in class.
Cute Thing of the Week
BY: SEXY BIGBIRD Contributing Writer
In a time of recession when people are losing jobs, allergies are setting in, and I can barely pay my tuition, I have one thing that I am truly thankful for. Bros. Yeah, maybe they’re kind of weird sometimes and sure, I can’t understand two words out of their mouths, but
they are the only ones giving back. They’ve got a place in my heart...and here’s why! I’m broke and bros recognize my pain. They let me into their parties for free. They lend me basements, music, and they aren’t aware of this, but they also lent me their Capri Suns and Hi C’s…yeah I’m the girl that made all the juice disappear. These bros also understand the increase in Rutgers attendance and that you can’t get a seat…anywhere. Seeing that you’re a lady, they give up their seat so you can actually sit. And that’s the way it should be. Lastly, they’re entertaining. I get bored but their language is fascinating. I can’t help but admire the simplicity of their vocabulary. Oh the glory of the term “braaaaah”. Their companionship towards their fellow bros and more importantly, the well deserving ladies here at Rutgers is inspiring. So you can hate them, but I love them. So take a minute to chow down that turkey leg and think about how a bro made your day a little easier, a little more enjoyable, and smile. They may not be the most styli, they may not major in anything other than poly sci, true but they are sure to make you smile!
Love, Hate, Retaliate Send in your submissions and see your name in print Submitted By: Katherine M. Saccone
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
ARTS “ nghfgd bsgdk,mghff”
Hey, you’re reading The Medium. You’re basically doing nothing. Why don’t you draw a comic or just a picture of dicks and send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
MUSIC REVIEW Katy Perry Whatever Album She Has Out Now (2010) by KCIG
I have not heard her album in full, and I can’t say I’ve actually heard any of the songs in their entirety. The only thing I really have to say about this album is that every time I hear a Katy Perry song come on, I wish that I were deaf to all the frequencies within Katy Perry’s vocal range. Just by having her voice on the album, there is no way that the whole thing is not the most terrible album since her previous album. So, rated from 0 to 5, this album is a perfect 0. If she did not sing on the album, it’d probably get a 3 or so. album with Katy Perry’s voice:
0/5 album without Katy Perry’s voice:
probably a 3 or so
TOP FIVE movies Dramatic movies that reference Star Wars It is a fact that 80% of all media produced since 1977 contains some reference to Star Wars. But they don’t only appear in movies like Clerks or Pineapple Express. Even really dramatic and serious movies reference the trilogy. They’re all really subtle references but it just proves that every film director and screenplay writer is, at their core, just a nerdy Star Wars fanboy. The basis of their entire interest in film was just a desire to tell people that they love Star Wars, even when they are making movies about war, the end of the world, and gruesome battles. If you’re trying to procrastinate, watch each movie and try to find the references.
B R I N G O D B BAC K TO L I F E Location: Next to the train station, on George St.
The Matrix (1999)
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Last week i printed a picture of my refrigerator
These are the rest of my appliances
Hot-headed microwave and Hot-shot toaster Super hot and sexy oven
“George Washington Carver invented everything with peanuts except Snoopy.”
LOL TITS. LOL PENIS.
Did I see RBK without the bandana and glasses on the bus?
All the people in my math class need to stop wearing disgusting perfume or axe. I don’t have time to eat before class so the cloud of disgusting shit you’re all wearing makes me want to vomit. Fucking shower before class and get all the stink off yourself.
To my hot ra, You make me so wet. i don’t want you to lose your job, but the second i move off campus, i want you inside of me.
(Its 2010. Does anyone care anymore?) Did Isawyourutgers die or did the medium destroy it with it’s epic awesomeness? (A little of both. We actually poisoned that bastard. No one fucks with The Medium.) Dear RBK, you were dressed all in red with your red bandana on the F bus at 9:30am screaming “Yee Haw!”, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life looking and sounding like Dolly Parton’s used tampon
KUDOS To whoever wrote that poem and its explanation. You’re awful. If you submit again, I will kill you. Such is the rule of honor. (To whoever wrote this personal: The reading aloud of this personal resulted in cheers and applause from those around me. You are a person of class and good taste, indeed.) To the kid in my courts class, please take your nerdy us history boner into a US history class. Stay out of poli sci, asshole. To the fucking hipsters riding their bikes without helmets. I hope you all crack your heads open. (Agreed. Everytime I see the BMX wannabes practice in front of Bishop House, I anticipate their fall with excitement.) To horny brown girl: you seem like you’re craving something dark and chocolately with a soft, smooth core. Hit me up sometime. I’m no toolbag; look for a fairly normal looking kid around Cook. (One less horny brown girl to deal with in the world.) To the lazy ass mother fucking manager. FIX THE FUCKING KIOSKS ALREADY!!!!!! 2 of them have been idle for 2 God damn weeks. Just reboot them asshole or I’ll TP your car.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Dear pre-calc 112 teacher, poor senile old man. Please write bigger, and learn to use the sliding boards. You make me want to die. To one of the girls in Intro to Labor: I appreciate that you are reading The Medium. Really, I do. But, please don’t read The Medium during class, especially when all of the TAs in class are sitting right behind you. Love, One of your TAs. (Everyone else, feel free to read The Medium in class, though. Your readership does not affect my GPA, so go for it!) Also, to that guy sitting next to that girl in Intro to Labor: don’t think you got off easy. I see you drawing on the front page of the paper. (Okay, that is a no-no.) To the girl in my linear algebra class: it’s probably the cutest thing in the world when you zone out in the middle of class because the professor doesn’t speak English
To the gay dude. I don’t give a fuck what I look like to you, its never gonna happen so stop fuckin facebooking me. (Wow. That’s all I have to say. Wow.) Why is it so hard of guys to take off bras? It’s not that hard. Maybe someone should hold a class... (There should be a class on this, with nightly homework and exams. Write the syllabus!!!)
A B C EE F H LX... etc To the bitch on the crowded H-bus Monday night. I’m sorry I had to push you into the glass partition get in, but I was in a fuckin rush, and your ass just standing there staring into space was not helping me at all. Learn how to ride a fuckin bus or walk to class.
RULES: Design must be AWESOME!!! CONTEST ENDS: October 13, 2010 (Up to 5 Winners to be announced 10/20) SUBMIT ENTRIES TO: email@example.com PRIZE: Your name tagged to the design, your own t-shirt, and the glory of improving the apperance of Rutgers, one shirt at a time.
Rules for Life
1. Wear Clean Underwear. 2. Wear Condoms During Sexual Intercourse 3. Do Not Eat Tillett More Than Three Times Per Week 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
(I’m confused. Are you really sorry or are you just a sarcastic douche?) To the annoying freshman carrying your jar of shrooms on the F bus, no one gives a shit about how high youre tryin to get. have fun failing out of college idiot
To my calc II T.A, Thanks for keeping it fratty, don’t see too many frat boys with their sperrys doing Calc II these days.. (or ever)
Last week was the first week of our weekly tribute to democracy here at The Medium. Below are the results to last weeks vote. To give your input send an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org with SUBJECT: Mediocracy (and while you’re there, send us some personals too). To the blonde girl that I -Dr. K met in poetry last year; M AST E R-D E BAT E RS playing “I’m glad I’m not “Any halloween costume on a that guy” is not even fun woman is automatically slutty. in economics classes beIt’s gives you the ability to imagcause I don’t want to be ine you’re fucking anything or any of them. So I tried “I anyone from hot nurse, to hot wanna be that guy”... but maid, to hot zombie bride.” just felt kinda gay
(What?) Dear girl with laptop who sits in front of me, Spelling ‘you’ as ‘youh’ in your IMs is NOT cute. Idiot. ; PS Doiinnggg thiiiisssss isn’t cuutteeee either, babycakesss. (You are quite a creeper to see all this shit from behind her..)
“Clearly nude is as slutty as you can get. What is better for a slut than instant access. Express Slut.”
What is YOUR Favorite chaser? * PEPSI COLA
ORANGE JUICE SIERRA MIST
Other... You Choose!!!
Chasers are for pussies... STRAIGHT SHOTS
* The Medium and its staff does not endorse underage drinking, but since you do it anyway, send in your vote!
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
PERSONALS “Fuck you and your Modest Mouse.”
NO ONE CARES
I see you kid in blue hoodie in front of ccc 720 on monday watching Lady GaGa’s telephone on fullscreen. (I don’t know what’s weirder, the fact that he was watching that, or that you where watching him watch Telephone.) Yo, What The Fuck are you doing watching porn in the library computer lab? Everyone was looking at you and wanting to report your ass but I guess Rutgers-Newark just doesn’t give a shit. (Then why the fuck are you writing to The Medium anyway if you’re in Newark retard?)
Dear fourth floor of Vorhees; I don’t like you. Or your mom. She’s a dirty whore. Love, Katzenbach
To the stupid bitch who kept flipping her hair all over my desk in Algebra class last week; You might want to ease up on the product honey. From what I have heard, that shit might be flammable. Just so you know.
To Rutgers Mart: Thank you for allowing me to buy whip cream chargers on my ruexpress. Textbook money well spent. To the tall skinny Indian man who does that floofy jog esq thing past 98b everyday; I saw you trip on monday and it was awesome.
To the loud bitches down the hall in Hardenbergh, Will you kindly shut the fuck up and/or close your door so I can get some sleep?
(Just get an airhorn. That worked for me. Shuts loud bitches up all the time. Thanks for the good times Woodbury!) To financial aide; I really think you need to get your shit together. You are honestly a disgrace. (Oh financial aid. Like To the residents of Room that hasn’t been bitched 226; Sleep with one eye about before about a milopen. lion fucking times. Yes, Love, they suck We can’t stop S and D them from sucking.) To the dude who stays WTF MAN. W T F? on the IM for waaay too long; Its having the op- You’re making for a posite effect. Please go poor fuck buddy. You’re out in your nice shiny car still grossed out by kissand get yourself a life. ing chicks after they go To the guy at work; Trust down on you? have you me, I know things. I think ever had a gf? you should remember (If he’s never had a girlthat. friend, then he certainly I hate you. I fucking, isn’t fucking worth it.) fuckity fuck fucking hate Gaaaaaahhh stinkbugs you. Go die. Please just everywhere!!!! Make it do that. No one would stop! care. One hour and thirty minTo everyone reading this: utes only to lose to a WHY THE FUCK ARE team we could have beatYOU NOT WRITING PER- en if anyone on my team SONALS YOU LAZY ASS could fucking initiate or FAGGOTS! IF I EVER FIND at least stick around for OUT WHO YOU ARE, I a teamfight? Fuck you WILL COME TO YOUR League of Legends, fuck HOUSE AND RIP YOUR you Riot, and fuck you TRACHEA OUT OF YOUR everyone that plays this THROAT! IT IS FOUR fucking game fucking AM AND I HAVE A PA- fuck fucking fuck fuck PER DUE AND I COULD fucking fuck fuck fuck NOT FAIL BECAUSE YOU you. COULD HAVE MADE A To Bryton and Alex: this GODDAMED is just to see if you actuPERSONAL. ally read this paper we I wish you would stop work on every week. Jorplaying games, because dan and Bender. this is just really pissing Dear world, girls don’t me off. poop. They never have. To the fucking indian They never will. Please bitch on the h bus: how stop refuting this statedare you sit on one seat ment. when the bus is effing crowded and you have (Oh no. We poop. I think your fat ass cheek hang- I poop enough for all ing on the other ass the girls who go to this school.) cheek! What a bitch! “Fuck you. I’m Theodore To the girl with the Roosevelt.” - Theodore crutches who walked in the men’s room when I Roosevelt. To Giovanelli’s: thanks was using the urinal; Refor the goddamn food ally? WTF? What the hell is wrong with you? You poisoning you assholes. scared the crap outta me.
To the blonde girl who was in my Poli Sci course over the summer; I hope you sleep with everyone in the department and get AIDS and die. To the girl who said that she wants to get married in Target; I think you may have some issues that Tylenol Cold cannot fix. To the girl on the EE at 9:00 who was screaming into her cell phone; You made me want to rip up the seat and repeatedly beat you over the head with it just so you’d shut the fuck up.
CLASSES To the four ass holes in neuropsych who won’t shut the fuck up: The professor WAS talking to you. Yes, you are children and should not even be in college (just as he said). Please drop out. Thanks.
To the short fat Indian chick on the B last Wednesday, why the fuck couldn’t you move down the bus to let other people on instead of letting them be cluster-fucked against the doors? You were annoying as fuck trying to teach your Indian friends how to say “caw-wah” bullshit in hindi. Next time you say it 50 fucking times in a row with exponential increase in volume I’m gonna throw you off the bus. Stop wearing your fucking garba everywhere and you should stop taking a shower in curry cuz you smelled like shit. (Wow. A smelly, rude Indian? On the B bus? ZOMG! To the cashier at the Spirit Shop who gave me her lighter when the store ran out of them: Thank you so much. The world needs more people like you.
(Just give them until the end of semester, because they’ll probably fail any(Yeah, the world needs a way.) lot less assholes.) As a lover of short shorts I am disgraced by you, To the massive betch skinny girl with lard legs who can’t seem to talk standing in from of me or eat without spewing on the bus. I want to substances everywhere: don’t call my name, don’t vomit. Now you are sitting next call my name, I’m not to me lard leg grl ur lard your babe, I’m NOT your legs gently brushing my babe... nice ones. Gaaaaaahh- To the random freshmen that invaded that party hhh!!!!! on Richardson: where the And now youre sitfuck did you come from? ting in front of me You basically showed up in my class lard legs! and ruined what was NoOOooOoOoooooo! supposed to be an awe(Sounds like she’s follow- some evening. Go make ing you...I’d watch out for your own friends and Ms. Lardy Legs...she can find your own parties. probably kick the shit out To the Orange Doo Rag of you with those legs.) kid: quit while your To Cabaret Theater: why ahead. Don’t suffer the are you so pretentious? same fate of RBK. How pretentious are To FourLoko: Can you you? I thought everyone sponsor the medium? We in the club spoke french would wear your shirts and ate biscotti at one every day and drink you point... every night. Sure, the To the mouse nibbling quality of the paper will I caught nibbling at my go down about fifty perdining hall food: touche. cent but at least we GOT (That mouse makes the LOKO! Love, the News Editor. <3 <3 veggie burgers...)
THE MEDIUM JUST NOT AWESOME
To the nasty freshman bitch in my planet earth class: What possessed you, exactly, to spit your gum across two rows of desks in an attempt to land it in your friend’s mouth? To Delafield street, I have nothing good to say. First one of your houses had you’re shitty toilet water septic tank leaking at a party so the whole place smelled like carrots and rotten throw up. Then some hoe cock blocked my boy so hard he had to have splints on two of his fingers. Why can’t a plague of locusts attack the street? To my Ex. Get over me. Stop making up fake stories about cheating. And I know they’re fake because I regularly wrecked you so hard you couldn’t even stand out of sheer pleasure. Sincerely, the most interesting man in the world who left your skanky, smelly bitch ass for someone about 100 pounds lighter. (Yup. Looks like most of the men here are still assholes this semester. I sincerely hope your dick falls off.) To the assholes who put a tree in the stairwell in the starkey apartments over the weekend. That shit was funny. So keep up your drunken disaster please. To the lady that tried to force her way into the dorm even though I told her old ass I couldn’t let her in. I’m sorry your daughter lives there, but she needs to let you in. I don’t need creeps I don’t know walking around my building peeking in rooms and sleeping in lounges. I saw you walk by my room like 5 minutes later, and I debated calling the police, but then I saw you with your daughter. DAUGHTER... LET YOUR MOTHER IN. F is for f bus and the Fat FUCK that was blocking the entrance to the door and wouldn’t move. He was like a turd clogging a toilet seat. To the rutgers post office: i will set you on fire if you ever fuck with my mail again. Also, feel free to tell us when your hours change.
Today, September 22nd, 2010
“On our fancy nights we’ll go to TGI Friday’s”
Send your emails to: email@example.com I crave attention.
The Only Things You Remember from High School Biology: The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell History: Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin English: Sparknotes Physics: Not a goddamn thing Math: Pythagorean theorum (but you don’t remember what it’s used for) Spanish: A few curse words Geometry: Proofs are fucking impossible AP Classes: Wanting to die
What’s Shakin’? -Every day-Medium staff desperately try to get laid -9/25 RU vs. North Carolina football game. A massive group of not-yet-alcoholics will gather and pretend it’s all or the love of the game. -9/30 @ College Ave-Bed Races. I understand that this event is for a good cause but it’s still goofy as shit.
Freshmen Mistakes I Did Nothing to Stop
I want to cut freshmen a break because I was one of them not too long ago. I want to but then they do something so dumb/ annoying that I can’t help but be mean. That’s why when I see a freshman making the mistakes of anyone who just doesn’t know better, I let them happen. These are just a few of the poor choices I’ve seen in the past few weeks: -A freshmen girl hopped on the F bus at Red Oak Lane and told her friends about her plans to ride to New Gibbons to get to the Loree building. I could have told her she was as close to Loree as she was going to get and that Gibbons was across campus. But her story wouldn’t be here if I did. -Another freshman and his equally young friend wanted to ride from Passion Puddle to New Gibbons. They decided the best way was to hop a Rex B while declaring “They all go to the same place!” -Dining hall ettiquette. You all know what I mean. -A freshman boy sat down in my 300 level class which seemed odd but I let it slide. When the professor welcomed us to “English 322” he muttered “Oh shit, this isn’t my class.” I watched him look around nervously for the entire 80 minutes, apparently refusing to leave. -I have never once helped a freshman holding a map. -My mom and my editor are the only people who have read this far