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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
september 19th, 2012
Volume xliii Issue II
BARCHI RED-SHIRTED FOR FRESHMAN YEAR
BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
OLD QUEENS—After only a few months without President McCormick at the helm of Rutgers University, there have been some noticeable changes within the University’s structure. The Board of Directors, in a meeting on Sunday, took measures to make sure the status quo is maintained. It was decided that current President Robert Barchi will spend his first year on the bench, practicing with the Board to prepare for coming years. He will not be allowed to make any official decisions but can instead use ‘practice bills’ and ‘pretend vetos’ to prepare for his time leading the University. “I know the kid has a lot of potential,” said Board member H. Seward Johnson. “We just want to make sure he is in the right place so he can be ready to take on bigger challenges on his
Freshman Girl Affirms Confidence with Daily Glance at Wall Quote "Yes I will wall, certainly wall, I definitely can, you're right," said freshman Mary Nichols while standing alone in her dorm reading her wall quotes. By reading her "Live, Laugh, Love" quote out loud each day, Nichols has said she was able to maintain her sanity through high school, and now college.
WE ARE (ALWAYS) THE CHAMPIONS Bob Barchi rides the pine this year, hoping to develop into a quality member of the front office.
own.” Barchi has had a decent record so far, garnering major points for the installation of Chase ATMs on every campus and supervising the implementation of a new curriculum for SAS first-year students. “Its keeping the students on their toes, which is always a
good thing,” said Johnson. The Board was concerned, however, with his plans to reduce subsidies to the athletics program. “[Sports] are the best way for the University to pretend its making money. Privatizing concessions and cutting funding Continued on Page 2
MORE FLAGS, MORE DRUGS
Six Flags Safari to Reopen as Rehab Center BY THE KILLA WHALE NEWS EDITOR
JACKSON, NJ—Excitement continues to build as Six Flags executives confirmed earlier this week that their infamous safari adventure drive-through will be replaced by a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center for celebrities. Instead of riding through having your cars defecated on by baboons and wild birds, tourists will be able to take a 30-minute tour of the facility where celebrities are receiving treatment in their natural habitat. "For some celebrities like Charlie Sheen, that refuse to go to rehab, this is perfect because they can maintain the limelight and media while being cared for in their own individual paddocks," said researcher Dr. Harold Phillips, assigned to the facility by Six Flags. Some celebrities have al-
Rutgers Reaches "Patel" Admission Threshold Students Assigned to Play "Second Life" for Online Class Never Seen Again The Personals are on Pages 6 & 7 Just turn to the Personals and get your fix you sick freaking bastard. I hate you. We put our heart and soul into the rest of the paper and you just pick this up for the worthless garbage everyone submits. Presents...
The Plain Ol' Fucking Weather TODAY: Hot enough to make you wonder why he's wearing that hoodie. High: 74 Low: Depends BETTER THAN JAIL TIME? Teen Mom star Amber Portwood attempts an escape from the new site during a test drive through her paddock.
TOMORROW: Wetter than you can get her. High: Five Low: Blow
ready checked themselves into the site such as Lindsay Lohan, country star Randy Travis, and Nick Nolte. "My mug shot is the only reason I'm still famous. Maybe checking back in will land me a gig for a change," said Nolte. Park officials are still mak-
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW: HBO Disaster Ch. 307, 9 PM EST
ing decisions on whether or not to allow feeding or any kind of petting while outsiders tour the facility starting October 1st. "I'm not too sure we'd want to let the derelict celebrities run free across the streets just yet, so for now, electric fences should do the trick," said Phillips.
Made in Taiwan
High: When Dennis Quaid carries his friend to safety. Low: 56
“All I want for my birthday is a big-booty ho”
Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
PITY THE FOO'
TWO DOLLARS NOOO!
Non-Chase Customers Run- Professor's Joke Met with Nervous Laughter ning Underground ATM Ring BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—Outraged by the recent University-wide switch to Chase Bank ATM's in all university centers, Rutgers students have seemingly had enough. The Medium was lucky enough to get an inside look at how non-Chase customers are circumventing the system that is torturing students, roughly two dollars at a time. Third year student Peter McCootus, who asked we not reveal his name, to which we refused, agreed to take me to an undisclosed location, which happened to be where some elicit transactions had been reported to have possibly been taking place.
As they do with all newcomers to the circle, a Chipotle bag was placed over my head to conceal the sercret location. Arriving at a strange building which obviously hadn't seen any real activity in some time, McCootus uttered the password. "Calzone Night." It was instantly obvious that the center of the ATM ring is in the Legendary Tillett Dining Hall. The next room contained ATM's from every model and make. Students of every background could be seen lining up to make comfortable cash deposits Were they just looking for their fair justice, or committing a terrible crime? This reporter cannot say. This reporter uses Chase!
THANKS BE TO LIL' BIT
BY LIL' BIT PERSONALS EDITOR
BUSCH—A joke told by Professor Ryan Anchor in class was met with scattered chuckling on Friday, according to students in his molecular biology class. The professor had reportedly been trying to lighten the mood with a little humor when the joke, told at approximately 7:38 p.m., received a half-groan, half-snicker from the class as a whole. “Some girl in the back did this laugh-snort thing, but I don’t think it was on purpose,” said junior Anjli Matthew. “It sounded like a pity laugh mixed with a cough mixed with despair.” Anchor tried with increasing desperation to get students to laugh at his jokes, efforts that
were the result of a false sense of confidence from their original chuckling and a lonely, friendless childhood. “We feel too awkward not to laugh, but when we do it encourages him to keep making jokes,” said sophomore Taylor West. “Last week some kids in the last row booed him but I think Professor Anchor thought that meant that they were pals.” Anchor, who has been tenured at the University for ten years, said that the jokes help to keep students interested and engaged in class. “Sometimes it’s hard to make a funny chemistry joke… because all the good ones Argon!” Anchor exclaimed, pausing expectantly for laughs. “My wife is currently divorcing me,” he added without being asked.
NEWS IN PICTURES
18 Years of Passive Aggres- Rutgers Football Celebrates sion Unleashed on Roommate Rosh Hashanah al space, as dirty clothes from Lamb's side well exceeded the KATZENBACH HALL—A allowable five inch margin that dorm room divided was the sto- separates two sides of a dorm ry on the Douglass campus ear- room. "Somebody that lives in ly last Sunday, as two members this room, I'm not going to say of an all-female residence hall duked out in the only way they who, leaves smelly orange rinds knew how - beating around the in the garbage can," said Lamb bush, making backhanded com- when confronted on the subject, pliments, and Facebook chatting "But no, it's fine." Awkward moments difabout one-another whilst sitting fused by forced laughter have in the same room. By Sunday morning every- always been a fixture of first one in Katzenbach Hall knew year dorm rooms. "I remember that freshman Mary Lamb, hat- my first roommate," said current ed her roommate, Katie Lee. Ex- professor Connie Ronda, "She cept for Katie Lee. Visitors to the would always wear, not bad, room in question noted a dis- but strong perfume, I guess. I tinct lack of respect for person- wouldn't wear it." BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH NEWS EDITOR
BARCHI ON THE BENCH
...continued from front
is kind of a one-two punch for the system,” said fellow Board Member William Johnson. While President Barchi may be dismayed by his delay into the presidency, he should be
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
reminded that Richard McCormick was red-shirted for eight of his ten years of his presidency, as the Board of Directors had to spend extra time teaching him how to read.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
THEY WANT THEIR QUARTER BACK Members of the Rutgers football team and staff enjoy a day off from classes to observe a holiday special to them.
THEMEDIUM.NEWS@GMAIL.COM News Editors Shane Whelan Stewart Hallman Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano John Eberhardt
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Ben Ben Ben Ben Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Cubby the Pug
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to aloe vera gel. For always being there for me and making my face look like Christmas with its moisturizing green jello-like texture.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
“I masturbated to Speechless: Featuring SLJ and Michael Cera”
Featuring Samuel L. Jackson and
Michael Cera by: Koala Knock, knock was the sound that rattled through the house as Michael waited outside with a case of Blue Moon and enough KFC to feed an entire tribe, and a copy of The Princess Bride. Samuel jumped from his seat, startled as he wasn’t expecting Michael for another half an hour for their weekly movie night. He was smack dab in the middle of a long stop and start masturbation session, an hour and a half in the making,as he brought his attention to the door a copy of Cream Pie Thais 8 was still running behind him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, were the words that went through Samuel’s mind as he went to the door to welcome his guest. As Samuel swung his door open he was a bit surprised at Michael’s lack of enthusiasm as they usually had a hearty exchange of handshakes and back pats when he arrived. But then, Michael slowly pointed to Sam’s crotch, and it dawned upon Sam that his big and smooth black dick was still fully erect. As Samuel opened his mouth to explain, Michael pushed him into the house, put his foot on Sam’s chest and pushed him onto the couch. He pulled off Sam’s sweatpants before Sam had a chance to open his mouth and by the time he realized what was happening all he felt was a tight but moist mouth moving up and down his now lubricated shaft. Sam tried to fight back but the pleasure was just too great, which
The weekly drag Afghan Kush
Weed Review Strain: Afghan Kush
each iteration of up and down motion his closeness to orgasm grew and grew. Just when he thought it couldn’t get better he felt it. Michael sneakily got a finger down past Sam’s balls and rubbed smooth little rings around Sam’s asshole before plunging a finger deep inside Samuel, much to his pleasure. With this build up it was only a matter of time, as Michael’s warm spit ran down the side of Sam’s penis, it happened. Sam tried to hold it in but the build up from earlier and the expertise with which Michael wielded Sam’s penis was too great. Boom, one rope of warm man juice shot into Mike’s mouth and Sam expected Mike to take his mouth off immediately.But no, rope after rope, Michael took it, a smooth transition of sucking and swallowing was keeping this great flood at bay. But it wasn’t enough, Sam’s pleasure was of untold legend, and the amount of cum was not even able to be chugged, it started mixing with the spit and the mixture ran down his cock in a fashion that is generally only featured in hentai films. As the last rope entered Michael’s mouth he looked up and popped a small smirk, knowing he had surprised Samuel with that action. Samuel smiled back with a little grin, and rubbed the top of Michael’s head, saying, “Looks like you’re my bitch now, boy.”
CUTE THING OF THE WEEK Blue Steel
By: A PERSON WHOSE NAME WILL NOT BE MENTIONED AT ALL DUE TO LEGAL REASONS This weekend, I picked up from my usual guy and bounded back to my house where a party was already in full swing. People were having fun and drinking and dancing and everything was nice. I got home and everyone knew that when I arrived, there would be weed to smoke. A gaggle of girls, in short dresses, made their way over to me and hugged me tightly. When I asked if they wanted to smoke, they said yes. We made our way to my basement and I packed the bong. Being a gentleman (read: I wanted to fuck them so I was being super nice), I let them all smoke first. I knew most of the girls from my freshman year dorm, but one of them I had never seen before. She spent every moment not smoking on her phone and, sure enough, she had invited a bunch of douchebag guys to come down to the basement and join in. They bumped themselves into the circle without asking and kicked the bowl. I packed it again, but by the time it had gotten around the fifteen person circle to me, it
SUBMIT TO FEATURES OR HE’S GONNA GET ME. THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM BUSCEMI WILL COME FOR YOU. JUST LIKE HE CAME FOR ME. HE COMES FOR ALL.
GROSS THING OF THE WEEK Magnum
had kicked again. Plus, this shit burned fast and so I was out. I dashed down the street to my guy, panting and wheezing, and got another dime. When I got home, the girls and the douches were gone, but my friends were looking to light up. Since I hadn’t chipped in for liquor at the party, I let them smoke with me as a ‘party tax.’ I was so excited as my friends made their way around the circle with a freshly rolled blunt. My friend Manny took a hit and passed it to me, joyously coughing up its lungs as he did. I grabbed the blunt with my fingers, held the sweet smoking beauty up to my lips and just as I was about to inhale… ‘ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Break it up!” Down the stairs bounded an overweight cop with a flashlight shining in my face. He looked right at me and I stood frozen as my friends dashed in all directions. I’m typing this from the squad car, my hands cuffed. In closing, fuck the police.
The Splooge of the Three Queens By William Wankspeare
Bongs and odours bring away! Vapours, sighs, darken the day! Our dicks more deadly look than dying; Balms and cum and heavy cheers, Sacred vials fill’d with semen, And sperm through the wild air flying! Come, all sad and solemn hoes, With the one-eyed Pleasure’s foes! We convent naught else but ‘o’s.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
“Don’t be an unfunny nigger, Kristen.”
Ask A Professor with an Incomprehensible Accent
Dear Professor with an Incomprehensible Accent, I’ve been having some trouble understanding what minerals are. What separates them from just rocks? Are crystals minerals too? -Rocking in Rockoff
Dear Rocking, Vell, meenerals are nutcherally ackuring and can’t be created in a lahborotohry. They must all be solleeds, which means vater must not be a mineral. The eenternul strachur of atoms is arranged in a regulur jeeameshric pattern. Also meyenarahls are inorgunakly formed You might kno some muhnarals like tuhpoz, karts, and dymahnd. Khreestals are clussified by their symmetrical angles and ships. Kahlar is a gut way to deesteengwish crystals as well. Some krahstals, like koortz, have eksohtic coloration (a vahraeti of colors). Others, such as soolfer have inherent cahlarashun (a songul color). Does that clear things up?
ETHICAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK
If you give a machine gun to a baby, are you responsible for the aftermath? YES
BY STACEY JONES
BY BRIAN WILSON
Just stop and think about this for a moment. You’re giving a fully automatic FIREARM to an INFANT. Personally, I don’t even think fullygrown ADULTS should be allowed to handle those things. Do you have any idea how much an M2 Browning weighs? Almost eighty-five pounds! Just imagine how strained the poor baby will be after hefting that around all day! And just imagine how upset he’ll be when all that gunpowder gets in his eyes...that might sting even worse than Johnson & Johnson No Tears Baby Shampoo! I can understand equipping a toddler if he’s accompanied by a Red Cross certified babysitter, but otherwise such a situation would be extremely harmful and irreprehensible.
Yo, Let’s Quit Singing and Rap About Politics for a Minute BY USHER
Eh, what’s But it recently came to my good y’all? I see attention that there’s an election some beautiful women here to- this year. I want to empower night. people with my music, and now I want to take a minute to get I’m empowering them with their my voice out there. Usually I use right to vote. this voice that God gave me to So come on fellas, get out sing and make platinum records. there and register. And all you laBut today let’s all stop singing dies out there. You know what I and just talk about something want you to do. important: politics. I mean, shit, this isn’t some Now, I don’t know a whole Governor in Idaho or some Conlot about politics. My life’s about gressman. This is the President having fun and bringing those we’re talking about. good vibes to the fans. Usually I With your vote you can be don’t worry about boring things, somebody. You can be someone like what new guy is a Senator in who votes. Illinois. Someone like Usher.
When George Washington crossed the Rubicon, he did not intend to strip the infants of our nation of their God-given right to carry whatever damn gun they please. There are twenty-seven words in the Second Amendment, and not a single one is ‘No guns for babies.’ I even edited Wikipedia to make sure. Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of toting around my very own minigun, named after some Russian pornstar or whatnot, but those damn hippie parents stripped me of that opportunity forever. And I’ll be damned if some Democratic tree-huggers take this golden moment from my son before he’s even born. When you see your child carrying his very own machine gun, and you revel in the smile on his face, you’ll thank me.
Will You Be Pre-Ordering the iPhone 5? “Of course. How else am I supposed to look hip, trendy, and express my individuality?” Samantha Johnson, SAS Freshman
“Hell no. I’m sick of Apple and their tyrannical business practices. Someone needs to stand up for the travesties going on at Foxconn.” Robert Wood, Ecology Major
“I’m considering it; I might have to get a job to afford one though. Been short on money ever since I bought my fifth MacBook this past summer.” Lucy Pinder, Computer Science Major
“There are other phones?” Tony DiMario, SEBS Sophomore
COME TO OUR MEETING WEDNESDAY 6:30 RSC-439 OR I’LL KILL YOU ALL
Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
“Stop cracking your knuckles. Goddammit.”
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
HOLY SHIT I’M A BUG
Holy shit, I’m a bug....
I have achieved self awareness...
Well then... What do I do now?
the Medium TURF WARS
Wednesday, September 19th 2012
“The Personals...home of the new and improved Rutgers Rants!”
JUS PLAIN RUDE
FROM THE DESK OF LIL’ BIT
There are a lot of stupid guidos out there. There are a lot of morons who will not hesitate to get on the bus before you get off. What I need from you, Rutgers community, is anger. Don’t let me down. Write about what pisses you off the most, and I will sit To the deranged black here and do minimal work by printing it, and everyman at the Douglass li- one walks away a winner. Email from your phone, brary who just grabbed my arm and told me that in the rain, on the bus or on the train. You can do it, he was going to kill me I have faith...in both of us. because my umbrella (Sneaky, but unsatisfying. Go for ballsier steals like was blocking his way: I (Other big-time offend- the Fiber One bars, because hope you enjoy the free themedium.personals @gmail.com ers: manigoat, pro-shute, there are so many of those internet that my student spaghayyyytii...fuckin self- fuckers in a box he’ll never fees pay for. LONG ASS LETTER NICE PERSONALS <3 righteous Italian people, know what hit him. Beware FIRING BACK man) To the cutie pie I see To the girl in the long of the aftermath.) around campus with skirt walking To the “Native of the the jet black hair, inno- white around College Ave on Why do koreans on cam- girls, when is a sock bun area,” Fuck you. It’s not pus only talk to other ko- ever a good idea? you my fault that Rutgers is cent face and soft brown Monday: YOU WERE reans? Go out and make don’t look like kim kar- in New Brunswick, and eyes. I may not write as LIKE A MACNIFICENT GRACEFULLY some friends beyond the dashian, you look like It’s not my fault that you tastefully as you do so SWAN DOWN Frau from Austin Pow- or your stupid-ass par- I’ll try to keep this short, STROLLING 38th parallel. ers. I see girls trying to ents or whoever decided but I hope you find these THE SIDEWALK NEAR words as tasteful as I (Koreans, he’s calling you rock it all the time, appar- to move to a goddamn mean them. It’s tough BROWER ently its appropriate for college town. It’s not as out hard) daywear or nightwear? if Rutgers just popped up to admit that you caught (This almost didn’t make it me by surprise with your into the “nice” section bethe same offenders of To the sheeple- WAKE the sock bun are usu- overnight like your her- infectious smile, free cause of how creepy it is but THE FUCK UP!! Do you ally the ones who wear pes. Either put up, shut spirit and warm heart... I guess it can stay) people really want this the weird hippie head- the fuck up, or move the or maybe it isn’t? You dipshit Obama in the bands that wrap around fuck out. always seemed so intimi- Hey girl on the F bus: office for another four the middle of your god dating before we shared your hair is so pretty! Do years?!?!?! he’s going damn forehead too. just (yeah, and it’s not my fault words beyond hello and you curl it or is it to steal the fucking fur- stop. this isn’t coachella, that New Brunswick is a goodbye; who knew naturally like that? I’m so niture that’s not bolted this is cook douglass at shithole filled with crimi- that between this robotic jealous if it’s natural. down and then we’ll three pm. you’re doing nals who are poor and will protocol of salutation, default on our debt and too much. just roll out of rob your whole house) hidden beneath a cloud then guess who owns us? bed and let your greasy of judgement, lay a mi- (Awww what a sweet perto the girl in the gym who CHINA, motherfucking hair flow free like the rest crocosm of intellectual sonal!! Thank you for always picks the machine china that’s who. prowess... And here you spreading your warmth.) of us. next to me. Putting mass are, a stranger to me, and amounts of perfume (Idiots writing to The Me- (Wait, is a sock bun some- doesnt make you smell a strange girl indeed... To the housing lady who dium about politics, good thing you stuff in your better. you still smell like But I find comfort in your fixed my window: thanks quirky nature as you so much! Having the story but not sure what you pants to make your ass look dirty feet. try a shower. seem to grow even more window open makes it so better? Cause you’re going just accomplished.) to need more than a sock (i also don’t understand the intimidating the more I breezy and comfy in my explore your mind. So room. You know when your before you look like a Kar- girls who put on makeup I find myself caught in toenails are so long that dashian.) and do their hair for the purgatory between like (I love it when my windows you should really either gym. you guys suck) and “in-like” with an opget fixed and the temperacut them or stop wearing I’ve got hella days off this tion for more if circumsandals, but you do nei- week so I’m just going Whoever wrote the per- stances allow it. Perhaps ture feels nice, thanks for ther and have a disgust- to smoke blunts all day sonal about the dudes it is a shot in the dark... submitting!) ing secret with yourself long, legit all day long. who bailed early on the not that my eyes were all day long? football game last week- open before I met you... To the Brower take out lady: thanks for stopping (hell yeah muhfugga) sorry for getting laid and Bang! Bang! (gross...) me from getting a plum liking pussy bro. Hope you saw every second of (Because I’m a whore for that wasn’t ripe. You’re BASKET OF PUPPIES the game down to the last content, and only because so sweet! whistle and then went of this, you get published. home and jerked off until But this is the. most. fuck- (As sweet as that plum, you fell asleep. ing retarded thing that do you mean??! :D stay anyone has ever sent me, healthy, remember to eat a (bro, sorry for partying bro, and I mean that. Write her balanced diet) i like chicks bro, i’m totally a fucking love poem where straight bro....bro!) you overwrought language Hey girl in the bathroom will be somewhat in the today: your dress was so Whoever wrote the per- right context, don’t send pretty! I would have sonal last week about the her a LOVE PERSONAL told you but I was brushgirl in creative writing you dumb shit. If I was the ing my teeth and couldn’t who wore the vest, i think girl this was meant for, I’d talk. i have class with that girl file a restraining order on and I thought she looked your weird ass. And not to (There’s always next time okay in the vest! Not take it too far but you sound for you to tell her! And keep up the good hygiene!) great but not terrible. ugly...) to the people who are SO italian that they insist on distinguishing between mouzardell/ mozzarella cheese, you sound like the biggest douchebags i’ve ever heard in my life. Must you roll that R like a fucking asshole to let everyone know how AUTHENTIC you are? Please spare us your lectures
to my roommate: eeeeeverytime you leave the room, I take a cheez-it. just one, and just because you told me to ask you if I wanted any. It was a fair request but I am insane and I took it as a challenge. let’s see how long it takes you to notice their dwindling number.
To the guy who literally ran up to me across Douglas campus just to tell me I was beautiful, thank you. You made my whole day, week, and life
Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
“Is there cream on my face?”
WORD OF THE WEEK
To all the preppy bitches I know, why do you feel Insanity can come in good and bad situations. “We it necessary to instagram the jury find the defendant...” is not the kind of in- your nails? I speak for sane you wanna go for. That will have people lookig me and every other male at you weird and will probably never haVE a steady in the world when we job. Good insanity can come in the form of answering say we don’t give a shit your own emails; although it may give your editing about your fingers unless partner serious doubts about your well-being. Insan- they’re making us sandwhiches or strokin our ity is a good thing; how do you think I got this job? big dicks. Also, why does “Sanity and happiness are an impossible comibination” - the 3rd nail have to be a different pattern? Get Mark Twain -EVERDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’ you fucking shit together. This week’s word is: INSANITY
To the bro that kept on coughing in macro last week: shut the fuck up! Some of us are actually trying to enjoy listening to our professor insult you dumbass freshmen for 80 minutes. Why are you all so retarded any(We’ve sent countless letters way? I hope you cough to Mr. Undertaker but we up your lung on the have recieved no responses. street just as the bus is And Cena is a bitch doe.) pulling up so the tire I’m a freshman and I squishes it on the pavehave to say with all these ment and blood squirts crime reports, I may in- everywhere. vest in pepper spray or a taser. Or maybe you can To the studious girl in my be my bodyguard ;) ? poli sci class. We all know (No.) you did the reading. You To my douche bag neigh- don’t need to recite the bors on Huntington St. whole damn book and Stop throwing obnoxious ask a million questions. parties and blocking my The other 300 kids in our driveway. You and your class and professor don’t Indian frat bros are an- give a fuck. noying as fuck and you are all extremely unTo my office: I can’t eat atrractive. food at my desk? What To the hippie fucks who kind of orwellian nonthink that the swastika is sense is this? a sign for peace in Buddhism or some fucking religion. Get off your Really Rutgers? I now fucking high horse and have to have a ten charrealize that sign symbol- acter password? That’s izes ultimate hatred. Get longer than any word I your heads outta your have ever read in any of asses and stop being so my college readings? No way in hell I’m going to goddamn ignorant. remember that! To the older dude near Brower selling “NoBama” t-shirts. Those (Fuck it I usually just stick shirts are fuckin awe- with 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5) some, and I would by them, but I’m a Jew so To the two fools I sent to you’ll need to lower the 100 Somerset: that’s the prices to about $10 address of the bookstore. Yelling out ‘where’s the (Price shouldn’t matter at party?’ to strangers is that point. You should buy never ever advised. one purely on prinicple. Bush 2012.) (Clearly undercover cops.) How come during each third down I heard the undertaker intro theme song from WWE and he never came out? All I wanted to see was someone getting tombstone. P.S Cena is a bitch
I must be maturing, looking at the freshman girls this year, they look attractive, but there’s just something that making me say no.. They look a little young.
I wish I could explain to girls how annoying it is to have hair grow on your face.
(Couldn’t have said it better myself, bro. They’re so fuckin hot but I’m afraid one false move and I’ll end up getting raped for 5 - 10. It’s just not fair.)
(Lets see how many guys Is it just me or does the read this and feel bad about gym smell more and more like curry with evthemselves afterwards.) ery passing year?
To the asshole editing To the pointy pig-nosed this page: fuck you. girl at work: did you know that you could pop (Lol anyways...) a balloon with that shyt? Also, I love hearing your To the sketchy group of stories about how many blacks who hung out at football players’ dicks the grease trucks and you sucked, as it makes student center. I’m not it easy to pinpoint you as buying your little scam another dumb biddie. about selling airheads for Reppin Slutgers well a fundraiser. 100% you’re I see. I wish you well gonna use the money sleeping your way to the for crack. I can’t believe top of NBC someday. a few people actually bought them from you. (Can neither confrim nor Well you ain’t gettin my deny that forementioned money. Next time to wanwoman blew me. That night na scam me try not to act was pretty burry.) like we’ve been bro’s for years. You’re better off spending time trying to To the trolls living in the Birchwood Apts. Could rape a white woman. you be any fucking louder with your giants ass (Pretty sure they read this... feet? I get it, you’re ‘Flwe’ll be recieving a crime yin Solo’ (cuz that’s all report from Kenneth B. Cop you’ve been playing for within the next 24 hrs.) the last hour) but I gotta get up early and actually To the couple sitting be- make use of my life. Go hind me at the rsc who get date raped by some asked about the smell: frat brothers you bitches. sorry, i farted twice. Why the fuck does beer To all the fuckin bitches make you sing off key? in Queens. Don’t give me that cute little laugh (Same reason why pot when I ask to dance. I makes you sing on-key.) may not know how to dance whatsoever but I To all you dumbasses do you you didn’t come who wear YOLO shirts... to a bar to just chill on how about you try and the sidelines. I’m doin fins out if thats actually the best I can not to look true? like a complete fool the least you could’ve done The Brower Music Suckwas accept a free drink. I ness Theorem: the volhope you catch the clap. ume at which a group Your friend was hotter or individual blasts their anyways. stupid ass music in front of Brower is directly proWondering why the spacportional to how much (Bitches’ girlfriends are aling on this page is fucked Why the fuck do the that group or individual up? It’s because the ass- grease trucks gotta move? ways hotter. That’s why you sucks at life. always go for the friend. hole editor ain’t know (Where the fuck have you That way you can’t be cock- (So 500 decibles = living at shit. blocked by her...) -The Managing Editor been the last yr and 1/2 ?) home with your parents? )
(Like, seriously, they don’t even know how fuckin itchy it gets after only two days of growing it out) Lol @ blacking out
TRIVIAL THOUGHT I’m a junior in college and I still sleep with my stuffed animal from childhood, do I have a problem? (Absoluetly not. I still have tea with my stuffed Orca and his baby’s mamma Mrs. Nesbit. It’s a fuckin blast.) I hate when you think about blinking and it becomes a voluntary motion instead of an involuntary one. I wonder if the people who only see me on Mondays and Wednesdays think that red shirts and black shirts are all I own. Can’t help that I lift those days. Is it Christmas yet? I’m itching for an ugly sweater party. (First of all its fucking September, come back to me in a few months. Second, nobody kills it at an ugly sweater party like I do. NO ONE.) This 3 hr Poli Sci seminar will be the fucking death of me. (Bring a pillow you little bitch. Be thankful you don’t have to do this fucking job.) Being peer pressured into belting out The Backstreet Boys’ “Shape of My Heart” makes me question my manhood all over again. One day when I grow up I want to be a South Korean rapper. (Horse Dance or DIE.) Guys who take selfies from their laptop camera are either gay, socially retarded, or gay. Save it for the professionals fellas.
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
“There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s a train.”
Words That Rhyme With Four Mini What’s
Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @CAC Student Center Room 439 Why weren’t you there last week? If you’re not there tonight, we will find you.
Across 2. At the center (of my dick!) 4. Slam this in someone’s face. 6. An old folk tale. 8. Works the streets. 9. A feline baby.
Down 1. When it rains a lot. 3. I need ____ cowbell! 5. What you yell when you hit someone with a golfball. 7. How you feel after a long night of romping around.
Thursday at 12:00 PM Mindfulness and Meditation@ Douglass Campus Center Shut the fuck up and sit still. Thursday at 7:30 PM Professors Reveal the Secrets to Success at RU@All Campus Centers Get on your knees and earn that A!
Be in the Medium!
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN |Back Page Editor
Do you want to see a photograph of yourself in the Medium? If so, have your roommate send a picture of you sleeping and send it to themedium.backpage@gmail. com! The best pictures (do not stage these photos or they will not be used- but feel free to fuck with them!) will be featured in next week’s “My Roommate Sleeping” column.
Where is Gore?
You know how these work, don’t act stupid. Find the lowest paid college majors in this jumble!
Friday at 9:00 AM Laboratory Safety Training @Foran Hall Where the fuck is Foran Hall?
Al Gore, savior of the Earth, has decided to travel around the world. Join us every week to keep updated on his travels!
Play Dots on Dots If you don’t know how to play this game and/or don’t know what candy dots are, then you obviously didn’t have a childhood.
ARTS DRAMA EDUCATION HORTICULTURE HOSPITALITY MUSIC
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Back Page Editor
Scooby Doo Gummies I found On the Bus As I was comfortably sitting on the H bus today, I happened to look down and notice a package of Scooby Doo Gummies with only two footprints on it. My stomach began to growl, so naturally I picked them up and began to eat this delectable snack. To my delight, most of the gummies retained their Scooby Doo cast shapes, despite having been stepped on. As I bit into Scooby’s delicious head, I noted that there was only one hair in it, which was a pleasant surprise. The next three were
in perfect condition, straight fromt he store. I approached the mushed gummies with slight caution, because who knows what was on the bottom of thoes shoes that squashed them. The first was quite delicious, having a peanut butter aftertaste, and one of them had orbit gum stuck to it, which was excellent to clean my teeth and give myself refreshing minty breath.
SOCIALWORK SPANISH THEOLOGY Al Gore visits Africa
Fill in the Story!
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA/POKEMON LEAF GREEN |Eternal Duo
A Promenade Through the Park
One day, Sarah decided to (verb) in the park. There were many (adj.) flowers, and she stopped to (verb) them. After a little while, she sat down on a (noun) to relax. Some (plural animal) waddled up to her, and she threw them some (edible item) for them to eat. She then saw her friend Jill, who was (-ing verb) by. They (past tense verb) for a little while, and then her friend (past tense verb) away. Sarah got up and began to (verb) around the park. Sarah then set up a (noun) so she could (verb) her lunch. Her boyfriend, Gary, arrived so they could (verb) lunch together. After lunch, Sarah and Gary (past tense verb) home so they could watch their favorite (visual stimulant). Once it
Your move, Buschemi.
was over, Sarah (past tense verb) so Gary would (verb).