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Volume XLVIII Issue I
September 17th, 2014 50¢
MALAYSIAN AIRLINER SHOT DOWN BY HAMAS OVER FERGUSON
QUICKIES
BY SOME SCHMUCK A7 EDITOR
WASHINGTON, DC — President Barack Obama recently ordered airstrikes on Iraq in retaliation for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. This US strike comes after a month-long barrage of rockets coming from across the border in Gaza. “Kim Jong Un has gone too far this time,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “The United States cannot sit idly and watch ISIS behead Robin Williams.” Following the US attack, Hamas began targeting civilian aircraft. One such plane, Malaysian Flight MH-666, was shot down over Ferguson, MO. Comedienne Joan Rivers, a passenger on board the airplane, was "HELL ON EARTH, MAN" The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once. pronounced dead on impact. In response to the terror attack, a Church has been rioting in Fer- e-mails containing nude photos Ferguson police officer fatally guson demanding that former of Jennifer Lawrence and other shot Ray Rice’s fiancé. Since the IRS Director of Exempt OrgaContinued on Page 2 incident, the Westboro Baptist nizations Lois Lerner turn over
ORGO FUCK YOURSELF
Professor Considers Stand-Up Career BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
Dr. Amrit Patel, 67, is wellknown among both high scientific circles and the Rutgers student body. Every semester, he teaches Organic Chemistry II to about three- to four-hundred students. But Dr. Patel has recently debated whether to make a career switch. “Every semester, since I started teaching the course, it’s always been the same,” says the Nobel Prize candidate, “I’d make a pun or a joke about chemical structures and at least half the class would laugh uproariously.” The professor, with his notoriously difficult weekly quizzes and unforgiving curves, gives us a typical example of his class and all the mirth it brings. His day begins with office hours from 6:30-7:30 am, usually filled with eager students. “They’re always telling me stuff like, ‘You’re so funny, professor. Tell another joke!’ and, ‘Are you sure
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I failed this, can you check it again?’” Patel reminisces. The class—or as Patel believes it is known, ‘Comedy Hour’—itself begins at 8:40 am. The Medium reports that although the students could be described as “tired,” “bored,” and
“miserable,” much of the class indeed laughed every time Patel brought up a pun over Mercedes-Benzines or a seemingly inside joke. After class was over, many Continued on Page A7
Disappointing Fans SInce 1970
Medium Now Printed on CageFree, Grass-Fed Paper Student Attracted to Writing Impliment: Fuck Pen STAT