5-1-13

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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com

Volume XLV Issue XX

50¢

MAY 1st, 2013

DRAFTED

U. PLAYERS PUT OFF ACADEMIC ASPIRATIONS; PURSUE SHORT CAREER IN SPORTS

BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK -- It was a day of celebration for many this past weekend as several Rutgers football players decided to forgo future academia and try for a short sports career. All eight issued separate statements that they each wished to avoid the chance of adding to mounting tuition debt and living to what many say is a mediocre life for the opportunity to play a sport that could easily end in as little as a week.

“Yeah I’m super excited to play football,” said Jawan Jameson, “I am truly blessed to make a name for myself in NFL. The Patriots are a great team and I can’t wait to get started on a great NFL career” Commissioner of the National Football League Roger Goodell was asked by reporters about what incentive gives these athletes the drive to avoid a low paid internship and years of

FROM THE BACK OF THE CLASS TO THE BENCH Logan Ryan enjoys his only time in the spotlight

drudgery with the rest of the middle class.

“The NFL is always itching for new talent and a great business that supports all its players like family,” said Goodell “College

players that are drafted are given a great opportunity to grow as both better players and people.”

Khaseem Greene, the highest Continued on Page 2

STROKE OF MEAN-US

Mural Drawn to Reflect Community's Diversity; Rampant Racism

BY LIL' BIT MANAGING EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK -- A new mural on Louis Street has been designed to reflect the vibrant, diverse residents of the New Brunswick community as well as the shameless racists that populate it.

The painted scene, which features people of all ages, creeds and levels of unabashed bigotry, was created to show off the diverse cast of characters that comprise the Hub City.

In one corner of the mural, citizens are shown performing a traditional Flamenco dance in authentic garb. In another, a woman can be seen staring shiftily at a black man while they both stand in line at the post office.

Not to be left out, the mural also features an artistic render-

ing of the group of alcoholic Mexican men that can often be seen hanging around the old rock quarry.

“The mural really captures the essence of this city, and that essence is visceral, grimy, and absolutely rank with racial tension,” said the mural’s artist Di-

ego Ramirez.

Ramirez was sure to include a representation of the community’s large Indian population in his painting.

“The dot heads, not the casino owners,” he quickly clarified.

Last Issue!

Continued on Page 2

ESTABLISHED 1970

QUICKIES

Fifth annual Rutgers Day draws record for most balloons lost

Rutgers PR head reclines in chair, smokes, and rubs forehead after scandal-free weekend Ed Reep comes out as arrogant prick The Green Print and the Black Voice/Carta Latina team up to publish special issue with lowest possible image resolution University Druggies Celebrate "Tweak Week" New Business Building Regrets Taking Fashion Risk Asian Students Lament end of Rice Era Joke about things doing stuff wrong wondering what it did wrong Douglass Campus Center Cafe Staff Excited to Continue to Do Nothing Over the Summer Engineering TA assigned to grade all tests by students with last name of 'Patel'

the Medium

NEWS

"HAGS! or HAKAS if you're a rebel"

SLUTGERS DAY BUTTGERS DAY

Wednesday, May 1st, 2013

COMING OUT

Students Begrudgingly Put NBA Commissioner David on Smiles for Rutgers Day Stern: "I will not accept any gay athletes in the NBA, unless it's Tyson Chandler"

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS PERSONALS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK--Rutgers Day is an annual spring celebration founded to project a community-orientated and pleasant atmosphere to prospective students and alumni. While the festival went off without a hitch last Saturday, students found it difficult to appear optimistic in light of a year of disappointments, and embarrassments.

Still, their forged smiles and fabricated cheerfulness succeeded in fooling visitors that Rutgers is still a proud university undeterred by the negative press it has been bombarded with.

Within moments of the conclusion of Rutgers Day, students and faculty alike shifted from their disingenuous glee back to miserable realities defined by unfulfilling careers and the impending threat of final exams.

One student compared the affair to “how parents try to cover up running over the child’s pet bunny with the lawnmower by going on a toy store shopping

spree.”

President Robert Barchi, who has been losing hair faster than a hare, pleaded for students on Friday to “please try and crack a smile tomorrow.” After acknowledging the disappointing football season, the Mike Rice scandal, and other blemishes to the University, Barchi admitted that everything that has been happening lately sucks but life can be like that sometimes.

President Barchi made the decision to exclude Livingston campus from Rutgers Day, citing that “there’s no conceivable way to make that hellhole presentable.”

MURALS

U. PLAYERS

...continued from front

Also depicted are several of the city’s elderly residents: ornery relics of a time gone by who have had to stand by and watch as their neighborhoods have become bastions of racial diversity over the past few decades.

“See this man right here in the top left section, sitting on his porch? He’s frowning because there are more black kids on his block than whities. If you look carefully you can see that his mouth is forming an ‘ooooh’ shape, for ‘coon’,” Ramirez explained.

At press time, Ramirez was touching up the paint on the Korean nail salon worker’s uniform.

President Barchi and his first pig with red lipstick, Babe

...continued from front

Rutgers draft pick, weighed in on the odds that one play could mean the difference between millions of dollars and working as a gym teacher for the rest of his life.

"I'm aware that injuries do happen, but I'm hopeful that my constant dedication and training will keep me healthy and as long as I play hard every play I'll be good.

Although none of the drafted cared to comment on it, they were all secretly anticipating the many nights of teenage debauchery at both bars and shady strip clubs. All players will be remembered for their ability to just "stand there and catch ball casually thown in their area."

COME OUT FOR OUR FINAL MEETING OF THE YEAR! WE'LL BE HAMMERED SO WE ASSURE YOU WE WON'T REMEMBER ANY OF YOUR FACES! CAP & SKULL ROOM 7:30-8:30PM

Editorial Staff Spring 2013

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer

Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano

Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch

BY SUM DUM JOO EDITOR IN CHIEF

NBA OFFICES -- Following the highly publicized coming-out of Washington Wizards player Jason Collins, many LGBT activists and fellow athletes have given unprecedented support to the first openly homosexual athlete in the four major American pro team sports.

However, some, including NBA Commissioner David Stern, have been unable to accept this new development in an increasingly polarized society.

“While I appreciate the historical nature of this event, I feel that this could negatively affect the public perception of the National Basketball Association,” said Stern in a statement on Tuesday. “I only wish that this announcement could have been made by a more attractive athlete, such as Knicks Center Tyson Chandler, whose rugged and masculine physique could easily sway any fears of homosexuals playing professional basketball."

"Seriously," added Stern. "If Chandler were to come out of the closet and reveal himself as a homosexual, I would be perfectly fine with this and would love to meet with him at any place he would like, whether in his home or at a fancy bistro for a long brunch."

Chandler, who according to Stern is a ‘tall, dark, and handsome stallion sporting a lumberjack’s beard’ is currently married but that has not stopped

News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski

Stern from speculating that Chandler’s coming out could have had a more positive effect on the NBA. “I hope that Chandler makes the right decision in the coming weeks,” continued Stern. “And will let everyone know, especially me, that he is a man who has passionate and intimate relationships with other men, particularly other men who are a bit older, have striking grey hair and have high power positions in major professional sporting organizations.”

Chandler issued a statement late Tuesday afternoon stating that “while I am proud of my colleague Jason Collins for his brave decisions, I have no plans to come out myself. I am happily married to my beautiful wife Kimberly and I would like to ask David Stern to keep his desires private and stop sending me Snapchats of his genitals. I would also like to take this opportunity to say to whomever has the handle ‘NBACommisStern’ on Grindr to stop sending me requests to download this app. Again, I am married and do not plan on having any homosexual encounters no matter how many chocolates or flowers are sent to my home or to the Knicks Team locker-room.”

When asked to respond to this statement, Stern was unavailable for comment and could be seen in his office listening to Prince’s “How Come U Don’t Call Me Anymore?” and weeping to himself softly.

Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus.

This issue is dedicated to John Bender, the patron saint of The Medium and the only reason this paper is even remotely funny each week.

Thank you for everything.

FEATURES

Wednesday, May 1st, 2013

the Medium

“I’m like a drunk dad. Fine! I’ll put some pants on!”

TINY LEFTOVERS The Tiny Issue Short List

WE LOVE THE TARGUM

Our Tiny Issue last week was, well, too tiny for us to fit all our ideas in, so we’ve decided to give you a peek at some of the pitches that came up short so that you may dwell upon them and wonder what was and what could have been.

The Low Down on News • Smurfette Pronounced Dead, Smurf Population Doomed • Senate Passes Legislation Against Small Arms • Pinhead a Total Prick • Shrunken Shrink Sees Shrink • Peter Dinklage Film Comes Up Short • Abortion • Pinky Toe Sheds Inferiority Complex • House Of Cards Collapses; Hundreds Left Homeless • Single Dunkin’ Donut Munchkin Surprisingly Satisfying • Banana Feeds All of Africa Short Films • Planet of the Organ Grinder Monkeys • Of Microbes and Men • Tiny Miss Sunshine • Shrunken 2: Electric Bogaloo • Mini Elliot • Midgets in the Outfield • My Big Fat Samoan Wedding • Tiny-nator 2 • Honey, the Kids are Average Sized • No Country for Small Men • Legends of the Small • Gnome With the Wind • Anne Small • Mighy Ducklings • Lil’ Saw • A Clockwork Clementine • Resident Wee-ville • Sizeless in Seattle Small Opinions • Don’t Tread On Me, By: Tiny Black Lady • Is Being Tiny Difficult? A Little.

• I’m Not Short! By: A 15-Minute Film.

Mini Features • Introducing the LX Bunny Transportation System

THE YEAR IS OVER BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T SEND ME JUNK SEND ME IDEAS OR JUST SHOOT THE SHIT AT THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM CUTE THING OF THE WEEK

Investigative Report: Where is Chase Brush?

Astute readers of the Targum who obsessively track the journalistic careers of each editor, contributing writer, staff writer, and photographer may have noticed that the masthead has this “Acting Editor-In-Chief” noise instead of the properly elected EditorIn-Chief, Chase Brush, who was inaugurated earlier this year. The Medium launched an investigative report on this subject and have at last compiled our results from the last month of research.

On a particularly stressful day putting the paper together, several sources confirmed that Brush emerged from the Editor-In-Chief’s office wearing a denim jacket with leather fringe on the sleeves. He got the attention of the entire staff and announced that he would be going on a “vision quest” in the Native American tradition, as he had lost his inspiration to do the paper.

The stressed staff sat dumbfounded at his declaration.

“You can’t leave right now, you have a job to do. We’re stretched thin as it is!” said the Managing Editor and current Acting EditorIn-Chief Skylar Frederick.

Chase assured the staff that though they are angry now it would all make more sense after he comes back.

He continued, “I’ll come back when the time is right.”

He allegedly left with none of his belongings, leaving his wallet, phone, and backpack in the office.

The staff immediately appointed Frederick to take his spot.

The story sat cold for weeks with no leads left by Brush for our team to follow. None of the staff had any contact from him or had any indication of where he had gone.

As of this Monday, however, Chase was reported to have returned to the office, wearing an intricately beaded poncho allegedly crafted by Brush from tanned bear skin, while petting a falcon that answered to the name ‘Riptide’ who rested on his forearm. He excitedly announced to the staff that he found the answer in his quest as to the direction the paper should go in.

As of press time, the Targum staff, shaking their heads, decided to leave Skylar Frederick in the position of running the paper as they grappled with the prospect of Brush’s vision of turning the paper into a survey of local birds and wildlife featuring guides on how to properly identify different types of mushrooms and medicinal herbs.

THIS IS OUR LAST ISSUE FOR A WHILE. BUT DON’T BE SAD, THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN RID OF US QUITE YET, SO JUST SIT TIGHT AND WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR

SUPAH SPICE BROETRY KORNER

By: Supah Krupa Troopa and Sash Spice Resident Rhymsters In Football Fields the biddies blow Between the kegs hoes on hoes, That jerk our place; and in the fly The dicks, still bravely erecting, fly Scarce scene amid the kegs below.

We are the hammered. Short days ago We drank, felt high, saw sunset glow, Fucked and were fucked, and now we lie On a Football Field.

Take up our beef, with the hoe: To you from flailing hands we throw The blunt; be yours to hold and be high.

If ye break hearts with us who die We shall not grind, though biddies grow In Football Fields.

NUMBERS WITH THE MEDIUM

1

Tear shed over the loss of our graduating staff.

7

People went to Livingston to enjoy Rutgers Day. They were the real winners.

3-84-2

Number of horses, interns, and inanimate objects that have been emotionally injured in the production of this paper.

Smell ya Later

the Medium

OP/ED

Wednesday, May 1st 2013

“Shout out to Lindsay for sending me material. You da bomb.”

FEATURED COMMENTARY

GOOD ADVICE DUCK

Cats are the oppressed mammal

Seriously, stop trying to look like us

BY A CAT Throughout history, dogs appeared to be the oppressed animals when, in fact, it is the cat that has gone through hell and back. They have endured hardships that dogs could never possibly understand. We all assume that cats are happy creatures, but they are dying on the inside.

When you go out, what do you always see?

Dogs, dogs, and even more dogs. Pet owners do not bother to take their cat(s) for a walk.

Cats want to witness the freedom that dogs experience almost every single day of their life. They want to feel the wind blowing in their ears and the warmth of the sun on their fur. Sure it is unorthodox to walk a cat, but it is more than possible. This type of discrimination needs to stop immediately.

By nature, dogs are more aggressive and be-

cause of that, they will almost always receive more attention from their owners. Cats want to be loved, petted, and talked to like a baby just as much as a dog. They just don’t slobber all over their owner’s face to let them know that they want this.

Yeah, I sure wish I could crap outside.

Everyone thinks that cats don’t like baths but that is just completely wrong. The problem is that all those stupid owners don’t use the appropriate water temperature when washing their cat.

Some cats like cold water and others like warm wa“Everyone thinks ter. Stop assuming that that cats don’t like all cats are the same, because we aren’t. baths but that is Whenever I go on the Internet (when my owner just completely isn’t hogging his laptop), wrong.”

I see cats everywhere.

You would think that this You know what else would be a good thing dogs get to do? They get but the cats are always to shit outside. Cats are mocked by humans. Lolforced to dump in a box cats and grumpy cat are with this sand-like sub- humiliating to felines evstance in it. To this day, erywhere. Dogs do not I have no idea what the have to deal with this hell it is. From experi- on a day-to-day basis. ence, I can tell you that Man’s best friend is suppooping in a litter box posedly the dog but what is horrible. It’s like the are cats? Chopped liver? devil is using his pointy Cats are obviously the fingers to rape your ass. oppressed mammal.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

We are quite the esteemed bunch

BY BOWLING PIN

My comrades and I are the most indestructible pins in all of America. We have taken down these so called bowling champions from the east to the west coast. They all think they can just come in here and knock all of us down. Oh please. How about you try hitting the area around us at first. Then maybe you’ll begin to get the hang of it.

All of us have come from the most prestigious bowling universities in the nation. You stand no chance whatsoever. The odds are completely against you so you might as well give up while you still can.

What’s that I hear? Oh right, it’s your best friend, the gutter, calling.

Throw me into those stuck up bastards

BY BOWLING BALL

BY A DUCK

I am so sick and tired of hearing those la-di-da pins talk smack all day and all night. You just need to get me in the game so I can put those arrogant pins back where they belong: down on the alley floor. If I can get a couple strikes in, it is game over for them. They won’t even know what hit ‘em.

How hard could it be? There are only ten of them. Come on, we can do this. I grew up hating these types of pins and now is my chance to get my sweet revenge. Even though I am only a 15 pounder I know I can knock all of them out in one shot. Trust me on this. My father trained me for this moment since I was a small bowling ball. They think I need bumpers to do this? They better think again.

I’m getting real tired of your shit, girls. Yes you know who you are.

All of you duckface – selfie photo abusing females who don’t have a life and won’t get off of Facebook. Not only is the duckface the most retarded looking thing ever, its embarrassing to my kind. You are insulting me, my friends, and my family, who all happen to be ducks.

According to urbandictionary.com the duckface is a “stupid facial expression put forth by stupid women that don’t know how to smile.”

That is exactly how I see it. How could you possibly think this is attractive? It looks like you’re smoking an invisible cigarette or sucking a dick.

I honestly don’t know which is worse. Then again, you’re probably better at the latter.

It has gotten pretty bad lately. When people,

mainly girls, walk by my pond, they always point at us and say, “Oh look, that duck is making a duckface.” We’re motherfucking ducks you retarded over-pretentious pricks. What other facial expressions are we supposed to display? If we smile, we have the duckface. If we frown, we have the duckface. It’s all the same thing and never going to change.

You damn humans essentially copied us and now we’re taking the heat. I’m sorry, are we interfering with your so called “swag”? How about all you sluts just go find something better to do with your time.

Go ride a hard one or go study for once in your insignificant life. Both of them will take you places. Thank God the Harlem Shake died out. Let’s hope this does the same as well. The duckface is ugly and so are you.

UNIVERSITY VOICES

What was your favorite part about Rutgers Day? “Dogs, dogs, and more dogs. I fucking love dogs!”

Cesar Millan, Dog Whisperer

“My family surprised me with a visit while I was on my 4th cup of beer.”

Johnny Eggsvile, Highly Intoxicated Senior “I knew I should have put on some sunscreen.”

Dan Whiteman, Hot and Crispy Freshman

KGB

A NOTE FROM THE FORMER ARTS/MANAGING EDITOR:

Randy Butternubs

“There’s a Rattman den in a row all the way in the back row in the seat next to the window.”

APERTURE SCIENCE STUDENT TRANSPORT VEHICLE

Elections are this Wednesday at our last meeting in the Cap & Skull Room at 7:30 - ?

L.A.M.

Keep your eyes peeled next year to see who wins!

I’ve spent the last three years of my college career at The Medium, mostly making comics and yelling at people to use Palatino 12 pt with 13 pt spacing, left block justified. I’ll remember more about my time at this paper than anything else once I get Alzheimer’s and can only remember things from the distant past. Thanks you guys!!!!!!!!!

-KCIG

Who will be the Arts Editor next semester?

the Medium

ARTS Wednesday, May 1st, 2013

EDITOR CONTENDERS

PERSONALS

the Medium JUST ASKING

HEEEEEY GUUUURL

GRAD-DEW-AEE-TON

To that annoying kid in my class, stop asking me to follow you on twitter. I care about as much about your meaningless little tweets as I care about the polyps on my ass.

To the girl who said I should kiss her next time on the bus, I don’t know who you are so I don’t know if I’d be kissing the right person. But we should totally meet up and stuff, you know?

Any place in mind?

To my life, get your shit together. Its time for the real world.

(I really don’t want to think about your ass polyps. You (I know a good place to meet! see, I’m on a five-day fast How about today at the RSC and you’re making me even in the Cap and Skull Room hungrier. ) at 7:30pm? And if you still To the editor of this page, don’t find the right girl, you do you like pancakes or can always make out with the Backpage Editor. I hear waffles? he’s single and extremely (FUCK BREAKFAST!) desperate.)

Danielle Oyales

Wednesday, May 1st 2013

“I AM CATBUG!”

Kristen Cignavitch

(Who needs the real world when you’ve got pot and Minecraft? Pick pick pick.)

To my fellow graduates, I feel mostly blinding hate and the deep desire to see you all have final destination deaths, I’m going to miss you somewhat. but I realize that I’ve got a future and leave you fuckers in the dust

(Just shut up and get me my french fries.)

YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE ME Well, this is it! I’m still here,

even though you never liked any of my jokes, you can’t get rid of me. This summer, I’ll be watching you, and you, and you! In your beds, at work, in the shower, when you’re shaving your pubes, none will be free from my lustuous gaze! MWAHAHAHA hahaha... ha ... sorry. I forgot to get my prescription filled. Have a good summer you ungrateful fucks. You’ll all come crawling back and when you miss me, just send me a personal at themedium.personals@gmail.com.

Jordan Gochman

Jordan Gochman, Editor in Chief of “The Medium,” was killed brutally last weekend en route to the paper’s final production meeting.

Gochman, who had, in fact, served as what some might call the club’s president, had been struggling with a mountain of debt incurred from a multitude of lawsuits, all due to his tenure as the paper’s leader. The supreme lord and master of satire had been facing suits ranging from copyright infringement, for his graphic depictions of beloved cartoon characters begging for sex, to libel, for falsely representing an unknown campus writer as having a sense of humor. Found guilty of all charges, the grand master of laughs was sentenced to be stoned to death

by Chief Justice Sugarlumps. His death scene was later adapted into a short play for Cabaret Theatre which debuted to an audience of zero.

Brianna Provenzano

Danielle died this Sunday after taking a midafternoon nap (after her early-afternoon nap) while wearing her Cookie Monster robe. She had a trippy dream that her robe came to life and, mistaking her smooth Filipino complexion for the milk chocolate coating of a fudge cookie, ate her. Instead of waking up, the dream came true. Danielle’s remains (crumbs) will be buried at Mason Gross underneath piles of work that she still needs to complete for her thesis

Amy DiMaria

After a semester-long sabbatical that mysteriously coincided with the spirit journey of another Rutgers student, Kristen returned only to be poisoned by a lethal combination of orange soda and grapefruit juice. A master mixologist, she made an error in the subtle formula due to her judgement being clouded by the one thing she thought would always save her: the return of clown wig. She is survived by her archnemesis John Eberhardt, who set down his sniper rifle in frustration.

Brianna Provenzano, the intrepid Managing Editor of The Medium was sacrificed and eaten by Al Sharpton during the course of her duties interning at MSNBC’s PoliticsNation. The staff will be forever grateful to her for her contributions in massively skewing the average attractiveness of The Medium’s terrible-looking collection of wretched lust-goblins who have never seen the light of day. She will be remembered for showing up to meetings well-prepared and starting every pitch with “You guys, this is such a bad idea but…” In her early years at the paper she became the first female to survive the ‘Creeper Gauntlet’ where every male staff member hit on her in rapid succession until they accepted that her sorority windbreaker served as some kind of defensive shield and they returned to masturbating in the student center bathroom every time she wore leggings to production nights. She is survived by her boyfriend Stewart, her sisters at Zeta, and the guy who keeps writing really creepy songs about her on Youtube.

Amy died from having a heart attack after encoun- David Imbriaco tering a husky puppy. Her last works were “Look at his widdle face!! He’s sho cute that I’m literally going to die.” As an English major, she should have known about the danger of incorrectly using the word ‘literally.’ She meant ‘figuratively.’ Her vast collection of books will be constructed into a library called ‘The Oddly Specific Library for Shakespeare Plays, Books About Prison, and Fucked Up Shit About World War II.’

David Imbriaco died. Again.

After being resurrected a‘la Jesus in a basement run by super-intelligent metalheads, he was unceremoniously decapitated by the Greek community and his head was placed on and in front of PIKE. He was 407 years old.

John Eberhardt

John Eberhardt died tragically after his alcohol-soaked body was set ablaze when a cigarette was tossed within five inches of his feet.

Known semi-affectionately among the staff as ‘Blumpkin,’ John was well known for living in a fraternity house of which he was not a member and was often seen hanging around the fraternity brothers to make people think he was a member.

His legacy is encapsulated in a series of videos on Vine in which he can largely be seen talking to himself and performing the occasional lewd masturbatory act. He will be buried as he lived: at the bottom of a Jack Daniels Bottle.

Steve Troulis

Steve Troulis died in an expedition hunting wild auctions. Before his death, he took a brief hiatus from The Medium during which he became a Labor Studies major and was the only person the EIC could complain to about Organizational Behavior and its affects on getting good poon.

PERSONALS

Wednesday, May 1st 2013

the Medium

“Maybe I’ll get a tan this summer.”

F

“GIVE IT TO ME ONE MORE TIME BIG DADDY”

Well kiddies it’s the last issue of the semester,

Now don’t bullshit me with saying you’re gonna miss us ALL. ‘Cause I know you’re gonna miss the Big Daddy, Doctor Tossed Salad the most.

Now I’m sure you all noticed the giant F and were wondering what the dedication will be for this week’s page. You sick fucks probabily think it’s F for fucking, but it’s not, it’s F for Fun. ‘Cause I’m gonna have Fun cheating on the wife all summer long! Hey I used “C” two weeks ago, give me a break. Anyways remember over the summer to never stop cheating, and send the significant other flowers and shit like that if you don’t wanna get caught.

Keep sending personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com (And I finally learned how to spell “Damn.”)

DAMN MAN To my ex girlfriend, I find it incredibly strange that you keep talking to my parents after we broke up. I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that. Shits a bit fucked up.

NEVER AGAIN

Let’s be honest. I don’t go with you to meet your friends just so I can be friends with them too.

So please stop asking me to go meet them and hang out with them if they are already taken. If you have single friends (Maybe she’s got the eyes for though, different story. your dad, or ya know, your dog. To each his own, sir.)

(There comes a point in everyone’s life where they realHave you seen molly? I ize they have enough friends wanna dance with her. who they don’t fuck, like I hear she married the two is enough. After that if Easton King. we’re not fuckin, we’re not talkin, and that’s that.)

(If you mean Molly, just key that shit and have a SO DAMN FINE good time dancing if that’s really what you wanna do... To the girl that threw up and I would say the Easton on my shoes during the Kings got nothing on Dr.TS formal last week, why but when I see marriage, no the FUCK are you drunk way Big Daddy is associat- at a FUCKING FORMAL! ing with that shit. Pimps Son of a bitch. Rutgers is always gonna pimp.) such a classy place, right?

To the fugly bitch who The girl who sits behind tried to get me to buy her me in my lecture class a drink at the bar: ain’t looks so good everyday. nobody got time for you!

Yeah she bitches bout Did you seriously think everything we do in the you were gonna fool me class, but she sounds by faking your b’day? kinda fiesty, just gets me You’ve gotta be more going. desperate than the pedobear is for kids. I hope To my chubby-chasin you get transported on a homeboy: dude, you forklift for your funeral. must’ve gotten steamrolled by that broad last To Barchi: I can’t believe weekend in the sack. you didn’t show up to We’re all damn proud Rutgers Day. What the of you for manhandling fuck kind of President that. May your future are you? You’re like Rick endeavours continue getPerry not showing up to ting bigger and better! a pro-life convention. I hope those Pernetti sup- (I second that.) porters get your ass fired.

HEY SMALL DICK

YOSHI AND SHIT

MY BAD

To the guy I saw at King Pita: your lip ring is gay, you like a shitty hockey team and your girlfriend’s face is busted.

I hate it when I’m trying to get my work done, and the asshole next to me is playing yoshi noises at full voume just to piss you off.

To the guy who came into my work and wasted my time because he wouldn’t admit he was in the wrong office for 20 minutes, what side of the head did the shovel hit you?

(Must be a fucking Rangers fan, dirty fucking people.

They will fuck anything they can get their hands on. The two just go hand in hand together.)

It always sucks when I send dick pics to hot girls and I don’t get a response back. What am I doing wrong?

(Hmmmmmm let me see.

Maybe shave your fucking balls and pubes motherfucker! If that’s not it try to dress it up, put some glitter on that man stick.)

(Almost as bad as listening to this chick meow next to me, or better yet have her playing Pokemon noises and stupid fucking cartoon songs. Fuck thank god the semester’s almost over.)

To the girl at Loree Computing Center, why did you have to use three computers at the same time? You didn’t even turn on the one in front of you.

(I fucked her mouth so hard last night and ever since she’s been acting a little I hate that when I put weird. Sorry ‘bout that.) my dinosaurs in sex poRUTGERS DAY sitions the momma dino doesn’t give birth to cute To the dick at the medilittle baby dinos. um table for rutgers day, (Tell the papa dino to stop I asked for a fucking caripulling out, then the fun cature like the Hugh Laurie one on the table, not a begins.) stick figure with tits on it!

Bitch you hooked up with my friend and you’re say- (But weren’t they nice tits?) ing that you never ment to hurt me? You better To the little fucking kid be fucking kidding me. giving me shit at the taYour lucky it was months ble, if you were a little ago or I wouldn’t be talk- older there is no way I ing to your ass. Like I would have let you walk wouldnt find out, girl away with that smirk on come on. You’ll be lucky your face. if I think bout you ever again. To the guy, you (But it was Rutgers Day! assfuck just wait till next Shut the fuck up with your bitching.) time I see you.

(He wasn’t the only one who hooked up with your chick. I have to tell you she mad good.)

MORE ED To everyone that wrote into the targum about Ed Reep: you whining bitches prove exactly why Eddy is correct! Men have been oppressed by your nagging, whining, and complaining for centuries and finally someone had the balls to come out and say it. Get the fuck back in the kitchen or else I’ll have to find a bag of dicks big enough to silence your humongous voice boxes.

The guy singing like a G6 had some fucking balls to do that in front of everyone. Like dude, you were singing with a fucking chello. How did you talk yourself into doing that.

To all the assholes on the rutgers day buses who wouldn’t sit down when they’re we empty seats.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. you’ve got people so packed they’re probably passing venereal diseases to one another and you’re just standing in front of an empty seat. i would take that seat that you’re just staring at and throw you off the bus so i could have some breathing space not soiled by a fat man’s tit sweat.

(Look dude, I was almost completely sure that your office was the Cocks-aholics Anonymous meeting. I’m never using Yahoo Maps again.)

To our “lovely” visitors at Rutgers Day, you people need to stop stopping in the middle of the fucking path when I’m trying to wade through this damn crowd. Do you know how frustrating it is to just go from one booth to another when your fatass is blocking my way at every turn? Either keep walking or stay home on the eliptical you got for Christmas and have been making excuses to not use because you suck and I hate you (Having to walk through a crowd is like having a little piece of glass stuck in the urethra. All you can do is wait for it to work itself out and maybe apply some ointment to sooth the burning sensation.)

To my liver- I apologize now and for the future (Shut the fuck up and drink you cunt nugget little bitch.)

To the little shit of a columnist that wrote that opinion in the targum last week about how men are the oppressed gender, I assure that no girl will ever want to touch a man-child like you let alone ask you on a date like you would find so socially appropiate. Go suck a dick, you’ll probably need to practice anyway (The Daily Targum prides itself on having only the most sophisticated and respectful students submit informed and ... I’m sorry. I really can’t finish this. Targum, what the fuck?)

Why the hell do I get sick every single week!

I got the flu, the norovirus, and muthafuckin (Sounds like another bitch next? is now writing and whining (Fat man’s tit sweat? Mm- bronchitis!whats bloody volcanic diarabout being oppressed.) mmmmmm yummy.) rhea?

THE BACK PAGE

Wednesday May 1st, 2013

“The more content I make for this page the drunker I get.”

Film: Adjusted

This Is What I’m Doing

What’s Shaking Tonight at 7:30 PM Medium Meeting @ RSC Cap and Skull Room Invite-only event.

May 4 at 12:00 PM Beerathon @ Register at 167 Hamilton This is real. Come get fucked up.

At Your Convenience Give Blumpkin a Blumpkin @ 11 Union: ask for Blumpkin He’s on a dry spell.

Yeah, This Is Happening

All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton Relieve some finals stress.

Ode to People That Don’t Tip FUCK YOU

A Llama For You, Kind Person

Useless Review

BY LIL BITCH SHE’S ACTUALLY KINDA COOL

This Novelty Duck Phone

Love That Guy

Write a review of this novelty mallard phone? Alright let me take a QUACK at it! ...

If you’re the type of person who likes to catch up with friends and LYBO (laugh your buns off) at the same time, then this duck phone really fits the BILL!!!!1!!

Rice Scratch And Sniff

After a few minutes chatting like Cathys on this device, you will be taking to it like a duck to water???

If you’ve never used a novelty telephone before, you might have to find someone to take you under their WING to show you how to use it.

6/5 stars for NOVELTY DUCK PHONE!!!

Ricin Scratch And Sniff