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THINGS OF A PORCINAL NATURE
Wednesday, April 17th, 2013
DOES THIS PLACE DISPENSE LOTION?
Barchi Practices Putting Lip- Commuter finally finds stick on Pigs at Cook Farm place to jerk-off BY CORRIDOR MAN NEWS EDITOR
RENTON, NJ--In the wake of T a shocking scandal and cover-up that cost Athletic Director Tim Pernetti and basketball coach Mike Rice their jobs, Rutgers president Robert Barchi visited the Cook campus farm, to get some much needed practice putting lipstick on a pig. The Cook pigs, like most things affiliated with Rutgers, have been known to be lacking in appearance. Still, as President Barchi noted to reporters, "It’s nothing a little lip gloss can’t fix." Barchi announced that by this time next week, all of the pigs will be beautified and people will want to visit the farm’s pig pens once again. Even though, like most things affiliated with Rutgers, it stinks. Press at the scene noted the clear lack of cover-up experience displayed by Barchi, as he foolishly smeared lipstick all over the chin of the swine, just making an even bigger mess of their piggly porcine faces. “It was pretty pathetic to watch,” said reporter Al Cuomo. “Honestly it’s nice to see him practicing putting lipsticks on
BY NEW GUY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
President Barchi and his first pig with red lipstick, Babe
pigs now before he has a chance to do it again on national news.” In a recent Town Hall meeting, Barchi demonstrated an almost complete inability to properly apply a good cover-up, making a mockery of the Rutgers community, and causing many to call for his resignation. “At this point I don’t think we’ll ever be able to fix the botched cover-up job that Barchi is responsible for,” said University professor Bob Bole. “He needs to resign and take a long look in the mirror.” Members of the Rutgers University community can only hope that all of Barchi’s practice in the pig pens will prevent another national embarrassment
THE MEDIUM IS LOOKING FOR NEW NEWS EDITORS, AS THE OLD ONES HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE SACRIFICED AT THE ALTAR BY THE END OF MAY. COME TO THE CAP & SKULL ROOM ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:30!
COLLEGE AVE--Freshman commuter Neil Schwartzkoff has been excitedly walking around the College Ave campus the past week. He has attended all of his classes and received A’s on three tests in that period. Schwartzkoff’s secret: he has found a comfortable bathroom to masturbate daily. “I lived in the Quads last semester and had no problem rubbing one out while my roommate was at lunch or taking a nap,” he stated without shame. The Manalapan, NJ native said his forty-minute commute made it impossible to go home in between classes. Likewise, it was incredibly frustrating for him to make it through six or eight hour days without “having a tug-of-war with Cyclops.” Repeated attempts to satisfy his needs in the College Ave Student center were thwarted by the smells of the bathroom that naturally come after eating Wendy’s and Currito. The single bathrooms in the Ruth Adams Building on Douglass were deemed early favorites, but ultimately considered to be too creepy. Schwartzkoff explained, “I immediately eliminated any stalls with graffiti by the Brooklyn Ass Pounder.” DELAFEST
spoke candidly about how this reminded them of other events at Rutgers University where students got extremely drunk in the GOD ...continued from front middle of the day and caused physical damage to persons or issues of lesser beings. You guys their choice. We’re not put here property. started it, you guys figure it to watch over others, we’re here “Yes, we all know the idiot out.” to enjoy Paradise! Do you know who shot that guy at RutgersAn angel of the Almighty, who I haven’t even been to the other Fest didn’t go here,” said Offiasked not be identified, gave his side of Heaven yet?! Yeah, think cer Corrine Wallace of the New opinion on the subject, staunch- about that before you humans Brunswick Police Department. ly defending God’s indifference complain about 'the struggle.’” “But that doesn’t cover the other to the human race. Sources later reported God terrible things from the day, in“It’s THEIR actions that de- slowly waking through Gates cluding counts of public drunktermine their eternal salvation,” of St. Peter sighing heavily with enness, public urination, indesaid the anonymous angel. hands interlaced betwixt each cent exposure, hospitalizations, “We’re not asking all of human- other in exasperation, silently illegal weapons arrests, and Pitity to worship our Lord, we contemplating everything that bull. certainly appreciate it, but it’s was or ever shall be. “I remember when I used to
Editorial Staff Spring 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
On April 9th, he stumbled into the School of Communications and Information building while searching for the library. “There I was flying half-staff when I found the big bathroom on the second floor. At first, I felt a little uncomfortable because it was a handicapped bathroom but I figured they’d understand, at least the ones that are able to jack-off by themselves.” After eight weeks of the semester and countless levels of sexual frustration, Neil has found his home, if by home you mean a place for an overweight eighteen year old to unapologetically masturbate. As of press time, he is looking for iPod headphones and waiting for a paraplegic student to leave the bathroom before he “splooges his man-chowder in his Docker’s.” ...continued from front
dislike breaking up a single rowdy house party each evening,” continued Officer Wallace. “But now, I feel blessed if my night involves picking up only seven broken windows covered in vomit and pee.” Undeterred by the outpouring of frustration by the rest of the University Committee, the organizers of Delafest will next plan a party called ‘Voorhees Mallapalooza,’ where they plan to attach a vodka slide to the statue of Silent Willie, at which point the Old Queens campus will collapse in on itself and Rutgers will finally become the seedy community college it was always meant to be. Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the couch that passed too soon.