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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly


April 17th, 2013

Volume XLV Issue XIX



"Iron Chef" Competition at Brower seeks to make dining food more palatable


NEW DRUNKSWICK--In what appears to be only the latest in a series of errors in behavior made by the student body of Rutgers University, hundreds of students over the weekend participated in an off-campus party called ‘Delafest’ that resulted in multiple arrests, arson, and riot police using mace and tear gas. Oblivious to irony and the fact that the news vans had only just left the College Avenue Campus, web videos of students burning a couch were peppered with a loud ‘RU RAH RAH’ chant from various participants. “You know that joke where someone yells, ‘THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS?,’ asked Michelle Obivalon, SEBS Freshman. “Well, this is one of those times.” Students took to Twitter and Facebook, fueled by alcohol and a strong lack of understanding that social media can be seen by almost anyone who can bash

Pants party turns into sausage-fest Couch wondering what it did wrong Student eagerly moves backpack from adjacent seat as hot girl walks onto bus RUTGERS' INFERNO

their head against a keyboard. In New Brunswick, #Delafest became one of the most popular trending topics of the day, beating out other popular trending topics offering positive images of the university such as ‘#FTK’


Oblivious Hot Dog Stand Opens Up Between "BJ's" & "Dick's"

Ed Reep thinks Anne Frank would've also liked his opinion articles

Burn, baby, burn!

and ‘#pleasedontscrewanythingupthisweekendrutgers.’ The police, reportedly sighing and muttering slurs under their breaths as they trudged back into the heat of drunken revelry, Continued on Page 2

New Fall 2013 Course: Hexpos, Writing for Witches


“How Should I Know What To Do With Your Problems?” Says God BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' STAFF WRITER

IRONY IN LOT B6 "I'm so happy I got the permit for this lot, the alternative was pitching a tent!" - Hugh G. Rection

GATES OF ST. PETER --In response to a recent outpouring of curses and prayers over the past weekend, the Creator of Heaven and Earth issued a brief statement to the general public saying, “Look guys, I don’t know what you want me to do about the world’s problems.” “I mean, I am He, but I’m not a miracle worker,” continued God “I gave humans the free choice to do whatever they want, so I can’t help it if there’s road construction on the one day you have off, or you spill mustard on your favorite shirt, which honestly you have to be pretty stupid to do.” Our Eternal Lord’s defense

Watch out for the Po Po ESTABLISHED 1970

team also issued statements saying "The moment God created Man there was an unspoken understanding amongst the two parties that responsibility of our aforementioned Creator wouldn't be to worry about the Continued on Page 2

the Medium


“Brian MacNiven > everybody"


Wednesday, April 17th, 2013


Barchi Practices Putting Lip- Commuter finally finds stick on Pigs at Cook Farm place to jerk-off BY CORRIDOR MAN NEWS EDITOR

RENTON, NJ--In the wake of T a shocking scandal and cover-up that cost Athletic Director Tim Pernetti and basketball coach Mike Rice their jobs, Rutgers president Robert Barchi visited the Cook campus farm, to get some much needed practice putting lipstick on a pig. The Cook pigs, like most things affiliated with Rutgers, have been known to be lacking in appearance. Still, as President Barchi noted to reporters, "It’s nothing a little lip gloss can’t fix." Barchi announced that by this time next week, all of the pigs will be beautified and people will want to visit the farm’s pig pens once again. Even though, like most things affiliated with Rutgers, it stinks. Press at the scene noted the clear lack of cover-up experience displayed by Barchi, as he foolishly smeared lipstick all over the chin of the swine, just making an even bigger mess of their piggly porcine faces. “It was pretty pathetic to watch,” said reporter Al Cuomo. “Honestly it’s nice to see him practicing putting lipsticks on


President Barchi and his first pig with red lipstick, Babe

pigs now before he has a chance to do it again on national news.” In a recent Town Hall meeting, Barchi demonstrated an almost complete inability to properly apply a good cover-up, making a mockery of the Rutgers community, and causing many to call for his resignation. “At this point I don’t think we’ll ever be able to fix the botched cover-up job that Barchi is responsible for,” said University professor Bob Bole. “He needs to resign and take a long look in the mirror.” Members of the Rutgers University community can only hope that all of Barchi’s practice in the pig pens will prevent another national embarrassment


COLLEGE AVE--Freshman commuter Neil Schwartzkoff has been excitedly walking around the College Ave campus the past week. He has attended all of his classes and received A’s on three tests in that period. Schwartzkoff’s secret: he has found a comfortable bathroom to masturbate daily. “I lived in the Quads last semester and had no problem rubbing one out while my roommate was at lunch or taking a nap,” he stated without shame. The Manalapan, NJ native said his forty-minute commute made it impossible to go home in between classes. Likewise, it was incredibly frustrating for him to make it through six or eight hour days without “having a tug-of-war with Cyclops.” Repeated attempts to satisfy his needs in the College Ave Student center were thwarted by the smells of the bathroom that naturally come after eating Wendy’s and Currito. The single bathrooms in the Ruth Adams Building on Douglass were deemed early favorites, but ultimately considered to be too creepy. Schwartzkoff explained, “I immediately eliminated any stalls with graffiti by the Brooklyn Ass Pounder.” DELAFEST

spoke candidly about how this reminded them of other events at Rutgers University where students got extremely drunk in the GOD ...continued from front middle of the day and caused physical damage to persons or issues of lesser beings. You guys their choice. We’re not put here property. started it, you guys figure it to watch over others, we’re here “Yes, we all know the idiot out.” to enjoy Paradise! Do you know who shot that guy at RutgersAn angel of the Almighty, who I haven’t even been to the other Fest didn’t go here,” said Offiasked not be identified, gave his side of Heaven yet?! Yeah, think cer Corrine Wallace of the New opinion on the subject, staunch- about that before you humans Brunswick Police Department. ly defending God’s indifference complain about 'the struggle.’” “But that doesn’t cover the other to the human race. Sources later reported God terrible things from the day, in“It’s THEIR actions that de- slowly waking through Gates cluding counts of public drunktermine their eternal salvation,” of St. Peter sighing heavily with enness, public urination, indesaid the anonymous angel. hands interlaced betwixt each cent exposure, hospitalizations, “We’re not asking all of human- other in exasperation, silently illegal weapons arrests, and Pitity to worship our Lord, we contemplating everything that bull. certainly appreciate it, but it’s was or ever shall be. “I remember when I used to

Editorial Staff Spring 2013

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer

Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano

Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch

News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski

On April 9th, he stumbled into the School of Communications and Information building while searching for the library. “There I was flying half-staff when I found the big bathroom on the second floor. At first, I felt a little uncomfortable because it was a handicapped bathroom but I figured they’d understand, at least the ones that are able to jack-off by themselves.” After eight weeks of the semester and countless levels of sexual frustration, Neil has found his home, if by home you mean a place for an overweight eighteen year old to unapologetically masturbate. As of press time, he is looking for iPod headphones and waiting for a paraplegic student to leave the bathroom before he “splooges his man-chowder in his Docker’s.” ...continued from front

dislike breaking up a single rowdy house party each evening,” continued Officer Wallace. “But now, I feel blessed if my night involves picking up only seven broken windows covered in vomit and pee.” Undeterred by the outpouring of frustration by the rest of the University Committee, the organizers of Delafest will next plan a party called ‘Voorhees Mallapalooza,’ where they plan to attach a vodka slide to the statue of Silent Willie, at which point the Old Queens campus will collapse in on itself and Rutgers will finally become the seedy community college it was always meant to be. Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the couch that passed too soon.


Wednesday, March 17h, 2013

the Medium

“Are you high right now?” “Yes.”




Survival Guide: Internet Acronyms

By: A Particular Philosopher

By: Broseph Stalin

During my sophomore year of college, I joined a tight-knit intensely-faithful Christian religious organization[1]. Though I no longer affiliate with this organization, I admit that they were onto something very true and powerful. Shortly after joining, I remember hearing about how their head-honcho was stricken with cancer. I remember everyone praying for his health, trying to utilize the healing power the New Testament[2] says they are entitled to as believers in Jesus Christ (1 Corinthian 12:9). And what do you know? A few weeks later, the cancer absolutely disappeared from this fellow’s body. It was such an obvious miracle that the doctor got interested in this religious organization.

WTF: Where’s The Food?

People love to talk about how there is no evidence for the existence of the supernatural. They always say, “If supernatural phenomena are real, then why hasn’t there ever been documented video evidence?” Well, have you tried YouTube? Search for “faith healing,” and you will find video footage of people instantaneously recovering from all sorts of maladies in ways that defy scientific explanation. My favorite is the classic video of preacher

LOL: I don’t know where I’m going in life and

I applaud you atheists for your scruples!

Oral Roberts calling upon God to give a boy damaged by Polio the ability to walk. Sure, you can claim that all the thousands of recorded miraculous healings (not to mention testimonies of such healings) are frauds or placebo effects, but what basis do you have for making that claim besides faith in the non-existence of the supernatural? There are some fraudsters out there, and people

with genuine power to work miracles can also be greedy scumbags (a possibility forewarned in 1 Corinthians 13), but so what?[3] Try talking to a person who has had their heart restarted by prayer like I have done and then go claim every single healing miracle on YouTube is fraud or a placebo effect.

ROFL: Rowdy Obnoxious FuckLump MFW: Mother Fucking Waffles FTW: Free The Walruses BRB: Busy Reading, Bitches TTYL: Goodbye Forever spend my time on the internet as a means to avoid dealing with my problems. My psychiatrist said I have anxiety issues. Please don’t judge me.


Consider another miracle, “speaking in tongues.” This is when someone calls upon the

Holy Spirit to give them the power to speak in a language of either Earthly or supernatural origin that is unknown to them. It is not gibberish as is commonly thought. I once met an Arabic-speaker who heard an English-only-speaker speak tongues in Arabic and then speak an English prophecy that correctly translated the words. I have also listened to a recording of a Polish girl who speaks no English speak in tongues with discernible English words.[4] You could claim fraud or that this was chance, but do you have any reason to make that claim besides your faith in the non-existence of the supernatural?

Some say the downfall of miracles (and God) is that they cannot be proven using the scientific method. They point out correctly that miracles cannot be consistently reproduced. The admitted nature of miracles, though, is that they do not happen on command. God often avoids miracles if he can achieve his end through natural means, and miracles generally require faith and God’s will to happen (1 John 5:14-15). An incompatibility with a mere philosophical construct like the scientific method is no reason to doubt something’s existence.[5]


Frat-bert Frost Sass Spice And Supa Krupa Troopa

There exists an incredible amount of faith in the non-existence of the supernatural in this world, no doubt. And, many of my fellow believers in the supernatural, the people to blame for the strengthening of this faith are YOU. The promotion of horrid, unbiblical ideas like eternal torment in hell and the sinfulness of homosexuality (at least post-Judaism) has made God’s universe so unattractive

to people that they would prefer to think he does not exist. The horror of even one person suffering infinitely post-death should be enough to inspire any empathic person to wish a non-existent afterlife for all as an alternative. I applaud you atheists for your scruples!


[1] Read: “cult” [2] The Old Testament, on the other hand, would have made his cancer worse. [3] The Bible also warns of nimrods, dickwads, and jerks. [4] She also sounded totes hot. [5]Whu...what. [6] I... I don’t know man. [7] What am I supposed to say to this? [8] Does this even make sense? Maybe this trancends my comprehension. Maybe I don’t actually know anything. What if this is actually genuinely smart. Oh god, what does this mean? Am I a man? Do I exist? Reading this article has made me question the world. Is it worth it to continue in a world like this? How do I justify anything anymore? [9] Hold me. [10] Scruples.


Number of hours it takes to muscle through an Ed Reep article.

My little pledge must think it queer To stop without a frat house near Between the Union and frozen Mine The darkest hazing of the year. He wears a backwards hat to bake, Asks if it’s a hit you want to take. Within the midst of sweat and dubstep Of easy thud and Harlem shake.



Whose house this is I think I know. The frat is in the village though; He will not see me stopping here To watch his basement fill with hoe.


Temperature a couch burns at.

The weed is lovely, dank and cheap. But he has promises to keep, And food to eat before his sleep, And sex to have before his creep.

73 million At least 1 Bacteria and viruses are crawling over this page at this very moment. At least 3 can kill you.

Missing ankle.

the Medium


Wednesday, April 17th 2013

“Drugs are for squares, not circles.”


Facing the Cold Hard Truth: Fat People Are Essential To Our Society

BY STACEY HALTER It isn’t easy being a of this burns my eyes, skinny, smoking-hot girl it also opens them up. in college these days, but These obese monsters I, like many females out show me that I could end there, receive some sort up like them if I stop takof help. No it’s not those ing care of myself. As diet pills or that book on soon as I witness these purging techniques. It’s fatties in action I head fat people. A lot of you over to the gym and carare probably wonder- dio my life away. ing how fat people could possibly help me out. “My self esteem Well, allow me to tell you why they are actually isn’t magically pretty important. going to raise One way in which they are essential is their itself.” eating habits. Sometimes when I go to the dining hall to eat my one meal a Also, could you day, I can tell that fat peo- imagine a society with all ple were there. They eat good-looking fit people? up all of the unhealthy It would be insane! No food which means that I one would be uglier than won’t have the chance to me. There would be riots eat any of it. Now I can on the street. Good thing go about eating my cel- we have fat people. Us ery sticks and dry salad gorgeous people need without fear. these overweight indiWhen I’m walking viduals around so that around campus I see fat we look so much better girls wearing leggings all in comparison. My self the time. While the sight esteem isn’t magically


Ask a guy who just found out his girlfriend is pregnant Dear guy who just found out his girlfriend is pregnant,

Lately I have been very bored with my life. I feel like I am falling back into the same patterns again. Every day going to raise itself. Without fat people, it’s the same thing. I go to class, participate in my clubs, my dad, a doctor, would and then head back to my dorm to get some work done. be out of a job. Fat peo- At the end of the day I feel empty inside, as if something ple are more prone to is missing. I have friends and everything, but maybe I health issues and dying, want something more. Maybe I should start going to parso if they weren’t around ties and hitting the bars in hope of meeting more people. my dad would have a lot Think you can help me out? less patients. Then he -Not Boneable in New Brunswick wouldn’t have been able to buy me that $2,500 PraToday is just not my day. I da handbag earlier this can’t handle this right now. I’m year. My old one was alonly a sophomore in college. ready over a month old. How can I possibly be a father and I don’t wanna seem like take care of a small child? What I’m poor. are you asking again? Oh right, The bottom line is you’re bored with your life or that although fat people are disgusting and re- something like that. I wish I was in your shoes right pulsive as hell, they all now. I would rather be the biggest loser on campus serve a purpose, one way instead of being in the situation I am in now. You are or another. These gig- just so lucky. gling giants are the force My advice to you: never ever have sex. Don’t even that keeps balance in our think about it. Don’t even look at girls, not even the world because not every- ugly ones. You think condoms are safe? That’s what one can be as beautiful as I thought, but well, look at me now. How about you me. Thank you fatties, just become a hermit and leave everyone and everyfor all of your hard work- thing behind. Forget your family and friends because or lack thereof. Remem- they will only encourage you to have sex. Learn from ber to never stop believ- my mistakes young one. Look at my face. Stare at it. ing in yourself and more Does it look like I’m ready to get down to business. importantly, never stop I’m not even wearing a shirt. I had to sell all of my eating. shirts to support my future kid. My life sucks.


What are your thoughts on last weekend’s “Delafest”? “I jumped a few fences to escape from the cops like any typical day.” Ryan Filtch, SAS Junior


Dude, 9/11 was such an inside job BY STEVEN THE STONER

Okay so like I know it sounds crazy but think about it: 9/11 was actually planned by the government so we had an excuse to like, go to war with Afghanistan for oil. Because like, when you think about it, steel melts at a temperature way higher than fire and like when the planes hit the buildings that shit was nowhere near hot enough to melt the framing. It was all a set up, right? George Bush and those guys framed everybody. Yeah...just let that soak in for a minute. Our government PLANNED 9/11. It’s so legit dude, just watch the Youtube video about it if you don’t believe me.

“Those damn whippersnappers need to learn how to keep it down.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

Gertrude Balomy, Disgruntled Senior Citizen

Hey man, don’t take this the wrong way or anything but I have no idea what the shit you’re saying right now. You’re on another planet man, you’re not making any sense. Why don’t you just chill out for a minute and smoke me...remember when you rolled me? It was like 8 minutes ago, and now you’re just talking about conspiracies in the Bush administration. Just sit back and light me up, or maybe just hang out for a minute. You’re probably good for now. Don’t forget about me though, you know? Wait, are you putting on ‘Storage Wars’? Dude...come on....

“Well, we sacrificed a couch to Satan so that was cool.” John Cornall, Cult Leader


Wednesday, April 17h, 2013


“I need to stop making comics about steak”




the Medium

the Medium


Wednesday, April 17th 2013

“One more thing Becky. That song I wrote for you wasn’t even about you. I was about a little boy .... wait, no hold on.”



To all sluts at Rutgers: put your hands in the ayer and give yourselves a muthfuckin pat on the back for making us Barstool’s sluttiest school in America! You guys are the pride of NJ!

To the Livingston dining hall you are a piece of shit compared to neilson

(I have to say, this personal gets an A -fucking- plus. I love you sluts, more than I love Twizzlers, and I’m a man that loves his Twizzlers. I give the Rutgers Sluts Squad a left-handed salute. Normally, I’d salute with my right, but it’s ... occupied right now.) To that the guy who came up to my cashier, fine I’ll take you damn coupons, just stop asking me to suck your dick (What horrible customer service. I demand to see your manager! Maybe she’ll suck my dick.) To the chick with the ENORMOUS boobs on cook the other day. How has your back not given out on you yet? At any rate, I’m really jealous. (What does she need a back for? I’m gonna have her bent over most of the time.)

WANT THAT D To my bio exam, FUUUUÛ ÜÙÚŪUUUCK you (Was that the test on the reproductive system? I heard that test was really HARD! ;])

Do you ever have those days when you think it’s going to just the most perfect day and then you (Oh yeah? Well, Livings- have no choice but to sit ton Dining Hall has better on a public toilet?! Yeah we’ve got better paintings. That’s one sexy (EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKtree.) ING. DAY.) To the sun, thanks for For those people holding turning my skin into ba- the “FREE HUGS!” signs con. I appreciate it - don’t fucking touch me. (This personal reminds me of that scene in the third (They just want to give you Austin Powers movie when love. And AIDS. And chlaGoldmember took a piece of mydia. Herpes A through Z. his dried skin and ate it. Oh And genital warts, too.) well, enjoy that image for So on Monday, I got on the day.) the bus and all. And this Can the people at the girl saw me and moved DCC PLEASE FOR THE her bag off the seat, so LOVE OF GOD GET I sat next to her. Then I THEIR SHIT TOGETH- tried to follow your idea, ER. I ask for a BLT - not you know cop a feel. But two badly sliced bread not really, I tried to brush pieces, some crispy ass her arm with my arm, bacon, half a fucking to- and then as usual, next mato and a wilted piece stop she got up and left of lettuce. I ask for chick- the bus. What am I doen fingers - not chicken ing wrong? Should I just poppers with NO chick- submit and a get a minien inside. And someone husky? needs to learn how to (You don’t need a mini husfucking make french fries ky. All you need are roofies there its like eating metand an opportunity.) al piping trying to chew those things. EPIPHANY (Show some respect for those people. Do you have To ska music, it took me any idea how long it takes to a while, but I finally was train in food delievery? 32 able to realize how fuckentire minutes. That takes ing weird you sound. dedication.) Just... the fuck?

To Bush Dining Hall, I understand that you’re close to the biology labs and everything, but did I A final exam BEFORE really have to find a spimy reading days? oh der in the mac and cheese yes please i would just the other day? I mean, love that, ya know? I can sure, protein is nice, but like do an exam, but ear- I’ve shakes and steaks for lier! There’s no way that that. Finding a dead spiI could be angry about der in my lunch just kind this. I SO FUCKING of, upsets me. LOVE HAVING FINALS (You know ladies, they say EARLY! spider silk is good for the (Well it looks like you al- skin. I’m sure that an allready passed your exams for spider diet is a great way to sarcasm and being a total, shed those pounds too. The whiny bitch. Congrats.) fat will just crawl right off!) To my asshole professor that I hate with all of my heart - you look like a penis with glasses and I am so happy to be rid of you in three weeks.

To Brower Takeout, I have to say that I was dissapointed in the lack of salmonella in your mashed potatos. You will be receiving my sample (A giant penis for a profes- of a meal better than anysor? That must be like go- thing you could possibly ing to a Shamu show at Sea serve. My shit in a box. World. Just remember to stay out of the splash zone.) (My mouth is watering.)



(When you start to hear those trumpets, you find out that that Pandora station you liked has got to go.)

For the kid who told me he thought I was cute last week, you have amazing eyes and a great body, but your highly visible back acne just ruins it. #sorrynotsorry (#shutthehellupandstopdoingthishashtagbullshitiberthiscommentisreallyhardtoreadandiwillgiveonehundredbuckstotheindividualwhocanbreakupthewordsinthishashtagdoitdoitnowyoulittlecretins)

To the month of school we have left, i just realized that you will be the longest and shrotest month of my life. while I will miss rutgers, i want this mounth to be gotten over with already (I guess you’re not graduating with an English major.)

“She has no legs”--That’s “what Kelly is short for”! C’mon people that was such an easy joke how did you not get that? This week’s Bad Joke of the Week is “Why did the scarecrow win an award?” Send your answers to the joke and any personals to And if I find out that any of you ugly pricks are going to Rutgers Confessions, I will come to your house and do unspeakable things to you with a broken-glasscovered dildo. Don’t tempt me motherfuckers.

WTF? meow. (bark.)

To all bbuitches mydidck is made of sweeert swett candy aadn i know ayall awnt it so comeonin and suckmysewwet cornstalks

RU TROLLING I FUCKING HATE REGISTERING FOR CLASSES. (I know it’s such a hassle. NOT! I’m a freshman with 50 credits. LOL.)

okay webreg whats with this bullshit. I go and mess around with you (How drunk were you when for a little, nothing seriyou wrote this?) ous. And i go to look at Aliens are coming to pull my schedule and ALL out hair out and use it my fucking classes are on for ointment! horses will cook/douglass. No way fight back and take back I’m spending my whole mars from the dolphins day there! Fuck that. I while Joe Biden plans for didn’t even save that shit. his annual barbecue in Was just too depressing. oregan. cows are diaboli- (Cook/Douglass isn’t all cal beings of various evils that bad. We get the Knight Wagon, sometimes, like FREE TIBET once a week ... nevermind. (Wha - I don’t even ...) Just run away, run fast!) I BET YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, HUH? WELL, THE MEDIUM IS LOOKING FOR EDITORS AND STAFF WRITERS. MAYBE YOU CAN EVEN DO PERSONALS. PROVE THAT YOU ARE FUNNIER THAN US! COME TO THE CAP AND SKULL ROOM 4TH FLOOR RSC AT 7:30 PM ON WEDNESDAY.THAT’S TONIGHT!


Wednesday, April 17th 2013

the Medium






To the frat dudes who wanted to get pied in the face last week, I bet you all like taking it in the face from each other.

I guess I need to reset my controversy counter now cause of you guys at Delafest. Man screw you, I almost hit a solid week.

(And they do it with a smile To everyone that organized Delafest: maybe too.) you fucks would’ve So I’m getting on an LX lasted longer if you INand some chick gets off VITED MORE PEOPLE! people? Psshht, and suddently fucking 500 blue slime like falls out that’s a fuckin joke in a of her bag. FUCKING school with 30,000 kids. SLIME. Like do people That shit looked like a really carry around shit preschool playdate comlike this with them all the pared to schools out in the Midwest. Whatevs, time? gotta say, it looked like (I wonder if it was blueber- the best thing since Tarp ry or raspberry flavored? I Day last year on Union like blueberry myself.) St. Don’t stop RAGINNGGGGGG!!

(That’s what math does. I suggest just quiting now. Why put yourself through it anymore?) I can’t take it anymore. If I have to listen to Dance, Dance or any Fall Out Boy anymore im gonna explode. No one can listen to the same songs this much.


To the creepy jewbag at My asshole brother does I swear to God NO ONE

We need Staff Writers, Editors, people who know how to use Photoshop. Think you need talent? Well you don’t! Just show up on this Wednesday.

Once again, another week, and day of math killing my spirits. I know all this shit and when a quiz or exam comes and I look around cause it’s not just me, and everyone looks completely helpless. To my professor, you are a fucking bitch if i’ve ever met one.


Hi kids it’s your favorite Brother Jimmys last Fri- this thing where when I AT THIS FUCKING UNIphysician, Dr. Tossed day: hey there pops, talk- start talking he pretends VERSITY KNOWS HOW Salad, ing to us about how you to fall asleep - I FUCK- TO DRIVE. First of all, for

This week’s right page is not rated C for Cookie, but rather for C for Creampie. I had some last week and it was delicious. Wait, wait, wait. I bet all you fucks thought I meant something else when I said creampie. I don’t fuck around with shit like that. I’m safe. I pull out. Anyway, SEND ME PERSONALS, please. And another thing. It’s almost the end of the semester and no one has offered to lick my asshole yet. Come get some. It’s free. I am Dr. Tossed Salad. Then send Personals to:



(Looks like someone’s mad he didn’t get invited. Maybe next time you and your two friends can fight the cops off.) To the people on delafield street, how much of a douchey-ass frat fucker pieces of shit do you have to be to further ruin the rutgers reputation again? I’m probably not coming to get into any grad school now because my employer will say “ oh no! A rutgers kid, she’s not getting a job” fuck you guys

love checking out girls in booty shorts and tank tops at football games does NOT make you look cool. You’re forty-fuckinfive, at least, and you prob can’t see any ass or titties with your nose in the way anyway. I wonder who’s setting the example for your son, who you said isn’t getting any schtupping done. Stay the fuck away from bars at RU, you schmuck. (What’s wrong with checking out ass and tits? He is only looking- he isn’t fucking them. And from the sound of it you’re not fucking them either.)

Has anyone fucking seen that kid on Cook/Douglass wearing the SQUIRREL MASK? Like a full blown squirrel mask!!!!! And he just walks around and sits fucking places like he has nothing to do and gives no fucks! I think the best part is when he walked into Neilson Dining Hall and the RUPD told him to leave. That was of course after he went up to one of the windows outside and started dancing for the people seated at the table nearby. (I wonder if this squirrel will put my nuts in its mouth?) Girl, I haven’t seen you in months, but I can never forget dat ass. At this point I don’t even bother looking at your face or your body, cause there is nothing there. But that ass. Oh my god. Talk about the perfect shape and shake. Damn girl id make that shit clap like you wouldn’t believe. (Mmmm stop youre getting me off.)


ING HATE IT ASSHOLE. the traffic circle on DouSTOP. glass campus, its YIELD not STOP. So don’t fuck(...What? Sorry, I started to ing wait there for 6 cars to fall asleep while reading this go. If it was meant to be personal.) a stop sign, it would be a stop sign. Secondly, to Maybe one day, I’ll make the fucking asshole prick it through a class where in the truck this morning either myself or some- who almost ran me over, one around me doesn’t hit my car and preceeded fall asleep or leave half to drive down a single way through. You would lane NEXT TO ME - GO think the professor would FUCK YOURSELF YOU catch on by now that she FUCKING PRICK. I hope is fucking boring. you get hit by someone today asswipe. (No. Give up hope. It’s not happening. And again I’m (Almost beats the taxi that falling asleep reading this cut me off in the traffic cirone. Let’s get better mate- cle last week and the fucker who was driving in the rial in here motherfuckas.) wrong lane right at me leaving Hickman hall. Hate all HAPPY HOLIDAYS these fucks.) Hey you fuckers in Nicholas, quit smoking weed To the dude BAREall day. All my clothes FOOT on the EE bus stink of it at this point WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is and that stench is forever just disgusting. Do you fuckheads not know stuck in the hallways. what is ON THESE BUS(But the smell is magical. ES!? People puke their You should smell my car, drunken minds out on bookbag, room... I’ve never the bus, walk with their shoes and the stupid had any complaints.) fucks on campus have To the asshole who makes probably stepped in dog me put down money ev- shit at least once, they ery time we burn, dude walk on them too. Jesus, stop it. I’m not gonna take BAREFOOT on the EE. your whole dub. Like I’m HOWEVER, it is not as only gonna have a little bad as when I saw someand you want me to put one barefoot in the Hickdown for half. No it’s not mann Hall bathroom. happening. i’ll just wait Nasty fucks. till you go away and i’ll pack the bowl myself. (Going barefoot on the EE is the easiest way to catch EE (Oh just put down the mon- MADNESS.) ey and shut the fuck up.) I never light my own bowl. No way I’m taking the risk of lighting myself on fire. Doesn’t mean i’m any less of a stoner. (Yes it does. Barely makes you one. Makes you kinda a pussy too.) It’s times like these where I miss my vape. That thing would pack the biggest punch, and give me the best high ever.

To rutgers toilet paper, you are either to thin to work or so sharp that you cut up my asshole (Amsterdam on Easton like a lawn mower toss- would be the place to get (Hey, hey, hey. Stop this ing a salad. I’ll be send- one.) right now. Barchi will fire ing you my hemroids bill Seriously come to our someone and everything meetings and have fun (Nothing better then a will be okay.) wit us. Tossed Salad.)


To the bible assholes on College Ave - the offer of “free” is enticing, but I still do not want a “Are you going to heaven?!” test. stop asking me. and I sat and watched you assholes for a half hour, you only approached the black kids and some asians and girls with their tits out. WHAT. (Woah okay. The girls with their tits out have no business going to heaven right now. They need to be sent to our meetings. Wednesday night 7:30-8:30 at the RSC, in the Cap and Skull Room on the 4th floor. My dick will be ready.)


Wednesday April 17th, 2013

“Abu is visiting!”

Film: Adjusted

Ron Del Fuego

What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 7:30 PM Medium Meeting @ RSC Cap and Skull Room There will be pie. May 4 at 12:00 PM Beerathon @ Register at 167 Hamilton It will be epic. At Your Convenience Give Blumpkin a Blumpkin @ 11 Union: ask for Blumpkin I bet you won’t come. All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton Help get his D wet.



Useless Review

Solve this shit yo. I bet youz can’t bro.


Board Games

I love board games. They are so much fun, and they really bring families together! I love my family, and I really like seeing them excitedly gather around the game board and set up their pieces. I love the excitement of rolling the dice, or picking up a card, and then moving my piece to its correct place. These games are so exhilarating! I don’t know how anyone could have any more fun than playing a board game with their family. There is a downside to board games, though. That downside is losing. If I’m not winning the game then how can I have fun? It’s no fun if you can’t shove it in everyone’s face! When I lose, it causes me to get angry, where is the fun in that? Do you think I enjoy beating up my mother when she takes away one of my pieces on her turn? Do you think I enjoy pelting my little sister with dice? The answer is no, I do not enjoy hurting my family. Sometimes it must be done, though. How else would they know that I am not having fun? I really do love board games, so I give them 6 out of five stars!

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