4-22-09

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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net

Volume XXXIX Issue XXIii

50¢

April 22nd, 2009

BEST OF 2009 BEST OF 2009 BEST OF 2009 BEST OF 2009 BEST OF 2009 RELATIONSHIPS JEWELRY

Re: PERSONALS From the Editor’s Desk

After fifty randomly selected Rutgers students were polled concerning The Medium and its “questionable journalism,” the editors of The Medium have decided to publish an “all-personals” issue, because that’s all anyone reads anyway.

While we do believe that all six regular sections of The Medium are equally deserving of merit, we hope you enjoy this special edition of The Medium. It is completely devoid of rhyme or reason and although it’s filled with senseless drivel, it stands as the real embodiment of the Rutgers populace.

This front page contains the best of the best of the Personals submitted this year, in each our 31 eccentrically distinct categories.

Come hither; admire your fellow students’ adept faculty of the English language!

So here’s to low GPAs, a 61.2% acceptance rate, and incontrovertible evidence that Rutgers students say the darndest things!

ADULTERY

ELECTRONICS

To slutty girlfriends of boyfriends I don’t know. The next time you decide to be whorish, tell me you have a boyfriend BEFORE he or his friends want to slit my throat. Too drunk to remember this little fact? Write it on your forehead. With a fucking sharpie!

Dildos make great teaspoons, but only on Tuesdays.

RAPE

GREEK LIFE

To the little bitch that writes the Fraternity Forum in the Targum: I always knew you were a whiny chode since I first read your sad pathetic column, but that hundred paragraph rant about how the Medium makes you go to the corner and cry is an act that I would have only expected from an estrogen pumped pregnant woman.

Grow a pair, you over emotional menstruating girl.

I ain’t a gold digger, I’m a To my boyfriend: I have fucking coal miner. had enough of your lack of commitment and tendencies CONDIMENTS towards pown. I no longer To the vagabonds that put feel that we can make things guacamole on my bike seat work and I want my vibraand katsup on my pedals: tor back.

You’re awesome. I wish I LOCAL BUSINESS thought of that.

To my roommate: I hope MOTOR SKILLS the Mexican in the closet is To Mary: paying rent. If not, I’m callI wasn’t actually reach- ing the exterminator.

The Medium is ing for my keys. I was just WEIRD PEOPLE what it is; it’s an equal scratching my nuts.

I don’t see the need for Da- opportunity offender. You Thought you should know. vid Bowie’s “Space Odd- aren’t even fucking Jewish.

SHITTY JOKES ity.” Elton John already has What, do you take offense by the transitive property of AEThere is no entry for gull- the “quintessential space- quality? ship song” genre on lock. ibly on Wikipedia.

The newspaper that

FASHION

HALLOWEEN

To the Disney princess who To the gothic girl at that rave: ran after her ride down the I was not sure if you were street and then smashed into dancing or having epilep- it when it suddenly stopped: tic seizures from the strobe I believe your stagecoach is lights, so I just popped a pill in need of a new driver. and danced on.

ORGO

FRUSTRATION

you write for not only contains articles are made up of regurgitated bull urine spewed out word for word from Rutgers’ reps, but features opinions acquired from a lobotomized team of illiterate lemurs of which you are a part!

(To whomever this Personal is referencing, I humbly apologize - after all, every submission makes it in.

However, while the author does sound like a completely misinformed clusterfuck, I do believe he represents the majority sentiment here STATE OF AFFAIRS at Rutgers. Opinions are like The Medium is cool, I guess. assholes, my friend - everyI like to read the Personals. one’s got one and they’re all News would be alright, but kind of wrinkly.) it’s never really true. That’s CABINETRY some bullshit. Personals Why does my desk always are the shit. I hope one day, eat all of my takeout subs? there’s an all personals issue. That way I could stop BAD MUSIC relentlessly gnawing my left To the rotund girl in the searm off all the time. quined top: you look like a (The prophecy has been ful- fuckin’ disco ball filled; my regards to your (Sounds delicious.) arm. But goddamn - does RELIGION anyone only ever read the The other day i gave myself fucking personals?) a wedgie so traumatic i lost

To my roommate who can’t To my future wife: I have quite seem to figure it out: the means and the ability When you close the winto chloroform you and to dow all the way it gets too indulge you in my dungeon fucking hot in the room. It’s for days on end. We gon’ been a month now. God, make love until you wake your head up your ass has a up, baby! head up its ass.

To the guy dressed up as a convict who mugged me and left me cold and naked: you were not playing MEN OF COLOR dress up, were you?

To the shit-for-brains white ANATOMY guy who approached me TROPICAL FRUIT Sometimes at night I think on the EE while i was readWho told you that short yel- about what life would be ing the Medium, and said, low dress with the gigan- like without fingertips.

“I didn’t know black peotic black belt was hot, the ple read that?”: I hope you DAIRY Chiquita Banana?

Every morning i bend over get shipped to Africa and eaten by lions.

(What the fuck do you know the back of my chair so that my scrotum can dip in a (Black people are still leabout Chiquita Bananas?) bowl of fresh milk. But this gal?)

Tuesday i didn’t feel good CULINARY ARTS HYGIENE Any man can eat pussy and vomited into the milk.

To the glob of unused vagibut it takes a real man to eat It felt.....right. nal discharge on my toothASS FLOUNDER brush: run away with me!

ECONOMICS Jokes and sodomy are fun, DISORDERS To my stock portfolio: I wish but he loves his banjo.

To my celiac housemate: I my girlfriend went down on hope that seaman is glutenALTERCATIONS me as much as you have To anyone in clothier who free cause I just smeared a FAUNA wants to challenge me to a shit load of my jizz all over your food. It should add To the gorilla-dog who fight, ill be walking around that salty taste you love so keeps destroying my friends with my unappreciated banmuch. dana and tie dye shirt. necks, fuck off bitch.

HATE MAIL

my faith in god

I hate you so much, Personals. Because of you, I sit for hours on the toilet, reading about the idiocy of others.

Sometimes I get so into it, I forget to wipe.

(Hang in there, buddy. At least capitalize the first letter of the big man’s name so as not to offend the condom-hating Pope. AIDS for the win!)

Proud Supporters of Republican’s Rights ESTABLISHED 1970

THE MEDIUM

PERSONALS

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

“COREY COME BACK I MISS YOUUUUU”

To the faggot robot. I jumped your gay yellow ass. You fuck up my CS class and for that, I drink your milkshake.

If Fox cancels T:SCC (Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles n00b) I will invent a killing machine and a time machine, and send the killing machine back in To the Chinese sheep. I cut time to kill the executives at your dirty zip tires. You Fox. fuck up my Ecology Class, (How about instead of doand for that, I cut you. ing all that bullshit, you just To the Mexican dance-ma- watch a show that is... you chine. I eat your pungent know... good?)

Jamaican Pancakes. You fuck up my Photography Class, and for that, I congratulate you.

ULTRA HAT

To the Jewish pirate. I smelled your green jew sandals. You fuck up my Religion class, and for that, I support you.

To the creepy stapler. I envy your purple metal shelf. You fuck up my Caviar class, and for that, I quill you.

To the irish commando. I fear your bloody potato knife. You fuck up my Modern European History class, and for that, I poke you.

To the African professor. I tamed your hot chink feet.

You fuck up my Algebra class. And for that I blow Good news for some of our you. submitters of personals: you To the slutty half-asian. I may be able to get a job afheard your nicely-attired ter college. Making awful/ housemate was awesome. funny signs, which in turn What would you do for we will then print on the Bonaroo? personals page.

Find the spelling & gramTo the stupid italian. I mar mistakes! blame your flat guinea cunt. Beginner: 0-3 You fuck up my Journalism Expert: 3-6 class. And for that I shriek English Major: 7+ you.

(Do I dare comment on this, To the handicapped legless something not even readerwoman. I wock and you submitted? I dare, I dare!) roll.

Dear professor of Intro to To the imaginary demon. I Ecology and Evolution. made your real french stat- You are not funny. Please ue. You fuck up my Galge- stop trying to make jokes bra class, and for that I stand in class. It’s just making an already awful class even by you. moreso. As if being a mornTo the German aquaphobe. ing class wasn’t already bad I gave your wet swedish enough. Also stop using an monkey. You fuck up my overhead projector, this is German class, and for that I the 21st Century. You can admire you. use a friggen powerpoint once in a while.

If you’re not getting Jiggy with it, then I genuinely pity (Yes. I totally agree with you. I really, honestly do. this sentiment. I do not like You poor bastard. her either.)

Spring time is here, better throw out those dusty old pickup lines and use some fresh new ones: 1. I want to rub my pe-naynay on your va-gina.

2. Let me give you my business card. Let’s do lunch.

Let’s make out.

3. Nice spurs, wanna mate? *New for 2009 - Mashups* Combine 2 pick-up lines and create exciting new ones!

1.Heaven must be missing an angel. You are the only ten-I-see.

2. Do you have a keg in your pants? I swear I see myself in them.

So I spent 4/20 chatting on a goddamned irc about how I wish I knew somebody that could score me weed. How pathetic is that?

(Pretty goddamned pathetic. Kill yourself.)

Did you know that with a few easy payments you can own your very own human?

The greatest cost, of course, is your soul. And the finger you lose to the Serbians.

If one more of you faggots makes fun of pokemon I’ll personally gut you. It takes more brains to determine the IVs, EVs, and moveset for a Gastrodon than it takes to win a Madden “tournament”.

(Totally dude. My Gastrodon has Recover, Ice Beam, Waterfall, and Body Slam.

Is that ok?)

I... fill... spaaaaaaaaaaaaace.

(Whoa now, the spurs one is timeless.)

People. Please stop following me around and hitting me with sticks and stones.

They fucking hurt like hell.

And calling me a niggerfaggot isn’t helping. Contrary to popular belief, sticks, TO THE STUPID ASSHOLE WHO WROTE THIS: stones AND words hurt me. You only use an apostrophe when it’s a possessive noun, not a plural noun. You are an idiot, how did you get into Rut(PUUUUUUUUUUUUUU gers? (This was written on the wall of the men’s bathroom on UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU the first floor of the Ruth Adams building on Douglass. Take UUUUUUUUUUUUUSY) away funding for this campus please. This campus is hateful.)

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

PERSONALS

Thank God it’s 420, cause I’m not motivated enough to come up with new and funny shit To my friend’s friend who was walking with us Saturday night, your exuberant talking, gesticulating with your arms like a 1950s doo-wop tango helicopter is a danger to yourself and others. Now I know why this is the first time she’s brought you along to a party.

I went out today and got hamburger, eggs, butter and bacon... when added to the ham already in my apartment and the chocolate I bought on monday, I theoretically now have everything necessary to make both the Good Morning Burger AND chocolate covered To the DCC folks, clean a little better! I just sat in taco meat, and the place has just opened up for breakfast. Hell, now that I look at it, I’m not even sure if it is taco meat...ohhs no.

To my landlord, up your hairy brown bum! You don’t believe me that a bird ran into my window and cracked it?! I guess you’re not gonna believe what’s happening when a brick comes flying through your window!

I know you don’t want personals about roommates, but my roommate’s got gas like a sick cow and I can’t take it anymore!!! Hey roomie, have you heard of Tums, or pepto-bismol, or SHITTING?!

Oh Nutrition Expert from Neilson, you are so informative about how the food in the dining hall is selected but so mum on the topic of the mild laxatives coated on the meats.

To the frat boys who bought me drinks at the Olive Branch on Saturday... you never had a chance, I was just using you all for your dads’ credit cards!

To the two dumb bitch blondes who rammed into each other at 9 in the morning at Neilson and got scalding hot coffee on each other...I didn’t think either of you were hot before but I sure do now, haw! ...yeeeah, remind me again why you got a huge tattoo of Alice Cooper on your back?

(Hey, at least you didn’t get Steve Urkel tattoed on your left ass cheeck.)

To the fat smelly bitch in Loree the other day: What the fuck! Did you shit your pants and forget about it?

Or did you vomit in your koochie handbag? No matter what the case, I don’t know which baffles me more, the fact that someone could smell so bad, or that someone could be so fucking oblivious to their own foul stench. I was contemplating killing you so the smell of your fat decomposing corpse would cover up what ever wild buffalo pheromone you seemed to be excreting. Please tell me when you are finally murdered by someone with sensitive olfactory senses that you will donate your body to science so they can find out how someone so fucking dumb could have the mental power to breathe on their own. Fuck you whore!

To the fucking annoying bitch in spaceship and Tarnowski: What the fuck is wrong with you! How come every time you come into class, you’re a half hour late and your bundled up like you just trekked across the fucking tundra I wish one day you would choke on your own tongue and die right there in spaceship so I can finally have something interesting to pay attention to in that class. PS how come every time you open that dumb fucking mouth of yours, it sounds like your holding back tears from when your parents told you your dog ran into oncoming traffic so it wouldn’t have to deal with your stupid fucking life!

Is my vacuum cleaner con- To the faggot pussy bitch on sidered a carpet muncher? the THIRD floor of Allen hall. You suck. You know To the kid who got the this is about you, don1t try two-foot high salad at the and convince yourself othBusch dining hall Thursday erwise. You seriously suck night: are you aware in the you big cock lover. Nobody slightest bit that there are in this fucking building likes dozens of people gawking you, you have no friends and at your leafy mount Everyou pretend to be straight. est? Do you know that in a But you run around like the dining hall you can go up little fucking fairy that you a SECOND TIME if you think you are and act like a want more? You math/scifucking RA.... You1re not.. ence geniuses seriously But people like you just as have no common sense much as they like the fuckTo the yuppie in the red ing RA1s which is going shorts heading to Chi-Psi, to be the next personal that I’m pretty sure I have those I submit because I fucking very same shorts which sit hate the RA1s here too. You eight inches above your are a fag. You run around knees; I’m a girl and I got trying to get everyone in them at the Deb. Then again, trouble because it gets you I’m sure the Deb is too cheap off you sick fuck. I1m sure for your expensive tastes. at this point you now that To the skateboarders at it1s about you but just in Lucy Stone: about a five case you1re trying to deny minute’s walk away there it in your mind to make is a huuuge parking lot with yourself feel better about no cars at all that would be your sad pathetic existence, just perfect for your clunks it1s about you. You have and cracks and rolls and no real friends, you can1t mostly crashes. Why the even find people who like hell do you have to do it you enough to pretend to be outside a building that’s so your friend. That sucks. It sucks to be you. Honestly as To the group of Happy- I1m writing this I1m almost Time Japanese kids hav- realizing why you1re such a ing dinner at the RSC, miserable lonely fuck. But I your laughing sounds like still don1t feel bad for you. your skinning a cat alive. You suck and you bring it Dear Brittney Spears, If upon yourself. Maybe if you seek Amy is the most you had spent your freshobnoxious song I have ever man year making friends heard in my whole life. It instead of pretending to be makes me want to listen a fucking RA you would to Laurence Welk, or nails have relationships with scratching against a chalk people in this building othboard. Fuck you indeed. er than being a little snitch bitch and ratting them out..

Is your boyfriend beI don1t think that1s a real ing an asshole? Hey healthy relationship to have there’s an app for that! with your floor/building.

THE MEDIUM The dining halls should have take-out on weekends. I would write this on the napkin boards, but at least here I don’t have to contend with hardly funny comments from the dining hall staff shooting down my brilliant ideas.

(Woah, I, James Van Der Beek from the critcally acclained teen drama, Dawson’s Creek, thinks that this fagoot pussy bitch in Allen is a complete tool and if I call you that...well, i think that you need to rethink your life.

Watch more Dawson, and how does everyone on that show have a career, except me. Shit happens.)

To the twirling ballerina hippie twirling around cook/douglass, if you love nature so much why do you pick buds off the trees? Your injuring mother nature, can’t you be excommunicated from your circle of earthhippies for doing that?

I just saw two guys straight out of “The Godfather” strolling down Nichols Ave: Crisp black suits, slicked back black gelled hair, shiny belt buckles.

The Sopranos may have ended on tv, but apparently it will never end in Jersey.

The “Ahh Real Monsters!” scream was definitely on Adult Swim last night. The fierce rivalry I thought existed between Nick and Cartoon Network is apparently completely false. I’m in shock. It’s like walking in on your parents having sex for the first time.

Hey, I’m explosion enthusiast Michael Bay and I crap rainbows.

I’m the next Steven Speilberg...nah....the To the dirty hippie in the neilson takeout line on next ZEUS! Tuesday night, you look Fucking send in a like nature got up and felt like getting chicken name of any thing... To the guy who threw up in Burger King last ThursTo the squirrel who fell out of the tree and landed ANYTHING...that you day, that was the first time on my window shield as I was driving, I used to want Me to ruin next.

I had been in a Burger King wonder if any of the animals got into the Smirnoff bottles I occasionally see laying around campus and now I know the answer.

Features@themedium.net

for five years and now I won’t be going back to one for another five years.

THE MEDIUM

OP/ED

A Month Before My Birthday, 2009

“No. Now is not the time to taste the rainbow.”

The longest, and most confusing personal EVER!

Disclaimer: If you try to figure this shit out, you’re Brain might explode. don’t say i didn’t warn you....

I am at Livingston where I is easy although its not because young lady! Grad students my head but that doesn’t mean have been hurled to the center its hot like fire alarms which have complexes and read my eyes will soon be turning of the earth again building are going off in my dreams all books to frog butts because red like a stop light in which I KILLER ROBOTS from old the time. All the time. Oh God they hate you. Lets all just ran though anyway trying servers and scrap PCs and please make the annoying D.A.N.C.E with hoodies on to think of ways to defeat a crunky dust from Jupiter! pimple faced chipmunk shut backwards which make you python before it strangles my the fuck walk into Chinese midgets butterfly flower scented nose Johnny Chalup! PUT from Disneyland where oh in which lie the mysteries of lenger/BendTHE LO- Mickey you’re so fine like the life...that is unless, you have ing RodriTION IN stubble on my friends’ Fresh no mysteries. We all have guez with a T H E Frites. They are grammatically mysteries though like the Twiside of Aba F U C K - incorrect but you can kiss my light Zone. If we didn’t than Sababa and a ING BAS- History of Italian people ass we’d all be gay lollipops with pinch of, Fellacious McKET! Na- from the Etruscan daVinci to bad hair cuts who run marachos, I love now. I must go and write pur- thons for no particular reason Dougal... you like I ple pen on the wall which is at all. I am going to buy a why oh why love breath- now gone like the gophers not gangsta bicycle because I want oh why is ing which golfers... they are annoying street cred like the bros down there a mufLook! A Sleeping Asian! is so hard and cranky like bees set on fire by C Town where they have fin in the middle of college ave? Oh my especially when your lungs are with eyes like the summer. Did really cheap food that is spoiled God red crosses on trees! Trees trying to kill you by closing where retarded lunch box like the bus door on my rainbow kids live under- face, which is pretty like ground. Silent raves on Liv- the blue screen of death. ingston and Busch where they Oh you wish you could but all get together to SHIT! There you can’t because organic it is again?! That noise which chemistry gives you orsounds like...orange juice and gasms because it is so hard bagels and lox which are good that it rips bread. Henderfor breakfast. Especially if you son apartment’s basements are one of those Chabad/Hil- Lottery numbers rip my lel house people are very nice. laundry baskets in my mind Very nice indeed. Unlike some with shemales who reside of the other student religious in Philadelphia where it is groups which a l w a y s OBAMA! You can purchase this little piece o magic are Catholic sunny boys singing where the you know that fax machines but we don’t know that bein the sky sun always run on modems modulators cause the telephone polls buzz due to pretenshines. Top demodulators? Figure that out like the filters in a million hats are the puppies. Puppies are so cute shiny green pools. Pies in my tious little demise of and make me miss the home- eyes, pies in my eyes, PIES IN headlights on the world land which takes two hours by MY EYES! Bubbles burn cars which and are sing- plane. This then makes me you’re eyes like a thousand are blinding. ing The En- crying in traffic and screaming burning suns. You are a jealOh so so blinding with tertainer but at air vents while wearing ous person because you are Kelly Clarkthere are no scrubs. Lovely your always not allowed to the weekly cirYour face! son playing words to it, love-ly and you make my heart cle jerk fest because we are in my craniotomy with bubble at least none I know of... There go into cosmic scar by you eye mouth breathers but no. You tea laced with crack! He flies are geese and crickets which which makes me want to go to are. And you are a sad sad sad to class. Because he is pow- never shut up. You’re too loud Africa where Hilary (not the little cookie monster. Federal ered by Energizer. Her name is my brain hurts and I just want ugly one) went to Sudan but prisons are things in which cheese and she is not your my fucking coffee and blan- rebels went all sticky notes on you cannot get out of which friend she will sell your organs kets which protect me from her and killed off her car insur- is like the labrinyth of life but to Fringe, which is the only asbestos fire which will give ance money you could be sav- it is oh so fun like falling on reason why we are all alive be- your CANCER like ethereal ing with Geico. Then the Slip N Slides which are not cause Thomas Dolby is blind- history teachers from the sixth world kind of ended and sexy at all contrary to popular ing me with SCIENCE which grade who has the sixth sense there war fire. Lots and lot of beleif. Russian ska is given me is all around us and we can no where Mischa Barton played a it, but no as much as the mon- an aneurysm but its still funny longer ignore it because we cursing Mac which makes me ey you could be saving with and completely Pillsbury are all made of stars who suf- laugh at leg cramps. Billy Geico. It has googly eyes gangsta dough boy. Wesley fer for fashion because of Mays is here with Oxy Clean which see right into your black, Snipes lives next store to and wearing white bicycle shorts and Sham Wow guy gets black soul and make you want does a lot of sniping along when there are no bicycles. I Sham Wowed in the face by to become a fun loving nun. with that Stein guy with the left them with priest boy who hookers in the middle of Jew- God made two of you? Why? toothy gap who is always stole my flash drive, and he ish Society class, and it gives One wasn’t enough for the steining, and people really uses it to watch porn in the fas- me sleepy feelings in my bones world? That’s ok though be- don’t like it like the huge Jewcist future. Wednesdays and with yarmulkes and mezuzahs cause you are sexier than when ish man in Target who could Fridays have Brad with so so which scare me because I am my coffee pot gurgles and probably kick the ass of a hot printers burn my hands and the product of pure evil, the sings to me at 1:00 in the dump truck. Loo loo loo lets get ink under my eyelashes are revolution against scary dude morning. Women in American get some apples and stick them where sties grow and you have who needs to take up another Politics gives you food, cook- up our loo loo loos at thirteen to get tea bags so they can hobby, and resurrected ancient ies, coffee and tea if you are a forty five in the afternoon. I bloom like flowers in the Romans. Twenty five cents for good little bus stop. They are tried to find you in the dining summer time where the living a bus thank you Happy Easter in the rain drops are falling on hall but then I realized you

where dead so yeah it was creepy just like Kevin the Kreeper Keebler elf who lures unsuspetting puppets into his van with candy and sunshine, but he is gayer than Ru Paul.

Drag queens will be your friends in Key West if you do not fear the reaper who sat next to me on a transatlanticism flight because he wanted to buy croissants at Au Bon Pain in my ass. I come from the land of palm trees and sunshine which perpetually makes me a snob to beach bound cars loaded with screaming jelly fish gelatinous masses making me giggle. Hump catting is legal, but freaking babies is not y o u s i c k s a d son of a Michael Jacks o n a n d M i chael Locke w h o does at store near you! n o t h inh but whine and cheese which are sold at really expensive restaurants. He is a caddy who floats through the air during the Summer because he is not paid in DANCE PARTIES! You think you are oh so cool?

Well your not because you are afraid of girls but guess what?

No one cares so you can stop being socially awkward like catfish on Sundays which is when you are never around because its all a scheme to turn you into a lonely old man who collects old newpapers and yells at girls who pass by in the summertime in their summer clothes which are plaid like a Canadian lumberjack.

Yes that is a hippie commune that specializes in washers and dryers outside which is where Leo hid the evidence. Oh my God fart joke! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha take that you asswipe of a Borchadt who likes crushed soda cans on his fro because you’re just so scared and we will find you yes we will find you just like my mail that has disappeared for approximately five months with goldfingers from the post office. Who farted?

You did. on you.

(Uh, wow. Read the bolds)

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

PERSONALS “Fuck this all-personals issue, no one reads this shit anyway.”

To the stupid chicks in Mettler, take down your stupid Christmas lights...it’s April and you suck! Your damn lights keep me up... no one thinks it’s cute... love, your boyfriend who has to actually look you in the eyes when we fuck because of the light they cast.

Dear Fiji water, I just spent $4 for your water because your company says it’s off the hizzy, but I’m drinking it now and it tastes like...WATER! Ancient well of mystical goodness I think not.

Damn you and your falsified ad campaign... ima sue.

Google “Project Monarch” NOW. To that girl that lives in Quad 3. You’re a cold hearted bitch that should have never walked on the face of the earth. I know you still have some sort of hate against me but I don’t care. You can go suck your boyfriend’s small cock for all I care, hope you get the clap or some disease and rot in hell where you belong.

I just nearly got run over by the ice cream man...I would have died to the twinkling tune of “Do You Know The Muffin Man?” By the hands of a man who rips off young children charging $3 for a damn frozen banana. ...well I just picked out the biggest ear wax booger ever today. I thought you might want to know that... because the Medium is into that kind of shit.

(Hell yeah we’re into that kind of shit. Oh god that’s hot. I’m so turned on right now. Tell me more.

Which ear was it? Did you use your finger? Did you? Say it! SAY IT! OH YES! YES! YESSSSSS!) To the llama at the farm off of route 18, one day I will FREE YOOOOU! To the creeper who has major illusions about the relationship status between the two of us. We were just friends, but now you’re just someone I have to pretend to not see when I’m walking down College Ave. You skeeve me out and I will never ever EVER fuck you.

Which says a lot about you since I’m a pretty big whore.

Starve

yourself,

To the sweaty Twinkie on the treadmill at Werblin, it’s nice that you get into whatever it is you’re listening to on your ipod, but not to the point that you’re closing your eyes and flailing your arms toward the heavens. Sheesh. You’re about ten seconds away from being flung off the treadmill in a flaming explosion... and then I will fly off the treadmill in a flaming explosion from laughing at you. Damn you in advance.

I think your readers need to know this because you probably have a lot of Star Wars fans... but anyway it’s not a very good idea to watch the Star Wars movie with Jar Jar Binks and then have sex a few hours later. Bad images man, bad images.

Dear Roomie, hell yeah I told you to fuck off last night! So what if we were being too loud, it’s my fucking house too.

I was drunk and having FUN- which is something I haven’t had in the house for a while. And you know what made the night so much better? Seeing your reaction to me telling you to go fuck yourself. Didn’t think I had it in me, aye?

No I didn’t just grow a backbone, I just don’t get pissy and throw a tantrum over stupid shit like who ate the last of the peanut butter. So go ahead and be passive-aggressive and break something else of mine because you can’t handle not getting your way one hundred percent of the time. It’s ok, I can buy new dishes.

Oh, and guess what? The next time I decide to have people over... you can go fuck yourself then too.

Hey it’s cool that you went back to your girlfriend. I mean, we were just friends that fucked. I just can’t wait until you realize that you ruined a good thing.

You gave up a no commitment, purely sexual relationship with a kinky freak for a less attractive needy fat chick. And by the time you read this... I will have already blown your friends.

(Oh, a girl after my own heart. I think I fatty. might turn gay for you.)

THE MEDIUM

Roommate: Did you know that not keeping ‘your hands out the cookie jar’ will lead to a friendly encounter with serious medical problems?

Now you do, dumbass.

To the guy sitting in front of me in my Hindu Philosophy I had Kool-Aid for the first of class... You’re balding. time in years today, and I I was cleaning the horse almost went into convul- stables today over at sions from sugar overload. Cook and suddenly realNow I know why all chil- ized there is no difference dren are screaming seiz- between the horses teeth ing ADD brats...they are and those of Hillary Duff. in pancreatic agony. No (And there’s no difference Mr. Kool-Aid Pitcher, not between your humor and Ohhh Yeah, Ohhh No. that of a paraplegic man To the professor I want completely limb from the to fuck so bad: I want waste down, because honto fuck you so bad. estly... he’s dead inside.)

To my awesome SAS counTo the mad crazy gorselor... I. HATE. YOU!! geous girl on Richardson You STILL haven’t entered Saturday night, what... I my fucking last seask WHAT do you see in mester classes into the the obnoxious fugly guy fucking system!

Fuck you were latched on to you—now I have to the entire night? Obviregister 2 days late! I ously he must supply might as well prepare to the fuckage like a grand sign up for Fucking Richstallion because otherI’m a cucumber. wise he ain’t a keep- ard Simmons 101 because that’s all that’s To the girl in my Women in er— his loud-ass mouth is going to be left!

American Politics class... almost as big as his Ladies: although all of pleeeease put a bra on. It’s nose. Call me when the you have butts, even fewfor your own good, girl— booze wears off and you er of you have ‘asses.’ In your tits are practically drill- realize your Leo Dicaprio any case, COVER YOUR ing holes through your shirt. is really an Andy Dick. FUGLY CRACKS UP!

An Ode to the Creeper from Calc: Creep here and there All over the place Dark hood, dirty pants unkempt, and unwashed hair You pop out of the shadows; a pimple’s yellow pus I’ll never grab coffee with you Never go to a movie with you I hate you you’re fucking ugly Just thought you should know mmm, symphonic metal with growled vocals = eargasm To the freshman douche next door who started shrieking because her microwave started sparking because she PUT FOIL IN THERE... I guess this was the first time mommy didn’t get to microwave dinner yum yum time for you. Don’t come knocking on my door expecting me spoon feed you and play “open the gate for the plane to come through” or I’ll be playing “open the pie hole for the dick to come through.”

Dear Medium, holy shit.

What fucking sideshow did you guys run away from?

I have never seen such a diverse group of losers in one room ever in my entire life. How any of you survived SIDS is beyond me.

by Micro F-150

THE MEDIUM (All personals issue ... this is the best April 22, 2009 of my entire LIFE! first I take over the entire Medium, next the WORLD!!!)

To the “ladies” in Jameson H2.. As honors students, I’d expect you to know what a shower is. The only people ever taking showers are me and my room mate and it’s evident by the disgusting smell that comes from your rooms. The puzzle in the middle of your floor is just a reflection of how pathetically boring your life truly is.

The dishes left in the bathroom are fucking gross. No one wants to know what you ate for dinner three weeks ago let alone what has been growing in the bowl since. Clean your bodies, wash your faces, try wearing some make up and maybe some equally sad little boy will come whisk you away so I won’t have to smell you when I come back after a weekend with my normal friends. However, to the girl with the annoying laugh.. this doesn’t pertain to you. Nothing can be done to help you.

(I’ll agree that refusing to bathe is gross, but“puzzle in the middle of the floor...” this is a writing sample of an honors student??

Yuuuuup) To

Michael

PERSONALS “DO To the idiots trying to get people to Tea-Bag Washington. First off, you disgrace all those who participated in the Boston Tea Party.

Secondly, Your all fags.

Really? Tea Bagging?

Come on... To fucking easy. I hope you have fun tea-bagging all of the men and women in washington. It’s going to be the only time someone other than yourself and your doctor touches your nuts.

Dear Beloved Roommate: Sike... Get off you fucking ass and go to class for once. I haven’t seen you go to class for the past three weeks.

All you do is sleep all day and stay awake all night. Do something with your life.

Bring up your horrible GPA you smelly nocturnal mother fucker! Lazy bum!!!

I thought I’d be doing myself a favor by going to the gym and getting my butt in shape but I had no idea I’d be seeing in the ladies locker room the butts of everyone else too. Yikes!

(What, you never wondered why you saw guys bringing tape measurers to the gym?)

Eeeelicit activities? Naaah!

YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-EE-CO???!”

To the happylittle Asian To the couple on the secsitting across from me on ond floor of Tinsley? WE the REXB, stop smiling, DO NOT WANT TO LISS TO P I T S TO P I T S TO TEN TO YOU HAVING PIT!!! Ten minutes now SEX ANYMORE it?s and you still have that been months of moanunnatural grin on your ing and ass slapping. face! You’re not talkGirlllll, you have to be ing to anyone, there’s no faking because we?ve seen reason to be so gleeful. the guy. Take a break, cuddle or something. Sincerely, (You could’ve been misthe many concerned resitaking extended glee for dents and the cleaning lady. a fart face. Uh oh, I used a fart joke, sound the To the happylittle Asian alarm and take me away. sitting across from me on Send out Pee-Wee Herthe REXB, stop smiling, man flailing his arms and S TO P I T S TO P I T S TO knocking shit over because PIT!!! Ten minutes now I said the special word) and you still have that unnatural grin on your face! You’re not talking to anyone, there’s no reason to be so gleeful.

I’m sitting in Ihop at 1:30 in the morning and I’m sitting by a table of what are clearly middle schoolers. Where are the parents around here, this is not the first time I’ve seen this, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?!

(And just what are you doing at Ihop at 1:30?

That place is for kids, man up and get yo’ flapjack bum to a bar) In life there is always a “what is” and a “what if.” Sexual harassment is a “what if”

Locke,

Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah (Thank you, but it seems that nothing negative will perturb this young gentleman and so I will give my own two cents: Dear Mr. Frat Opinions, Your recent article was the best thing I’ve read all semester! It marked the first time I didn’t ABORT READING MISSION after the first sentence! Keep it up!)

Hey man, it really stinks in here...and I’m kinda stuck...but mostly, it stinks!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Dough, bitches To Kevin Barnes, father my children!

Only three more weeks until I get to go back to PA where angry cows don’t chase you and your car down the street!

The Personals Proletariat Revolution, 2009

Now, I am an Asian person and I’m going to tell you that even I think they all look the same when we’re in big crowds.

Jingle jangle crumple wumple SCREEEW!!

To the pink-haired party goer on Harvey who there is no way is in college, go the fuck home, I think it is past your bedtime.

Suydam street smells like a big dead animal. Lovely. We’re not driving down Suydam street on the way back.

(I always thought it smells like ego waffles in the morning. Then again, my mom made ego waffles in a vey special way) To the kid standing in the corner with the blank plastered look on his face, yeeesh.

Hey “Lightning Strika” congratulations for having the biggest ducktail ever!

Dear Takeru Kobayashi, I feel deeply sorry for you. Only someone with severe psychological distress would want to train to eat as many hot dogs as possible.

When will you realize that you will never defeat hot dogs...they will only defeat you.

Have you ever been chased by a groundhog? Seriously, I am registering for classes today and I never taking a class on Cook/ Douglass ever again.

(Right, go back to College Ave where it’s a zoo of people, that’s muuuuch better) My Editor in Chief throws things at high velocity with little or no forewarning. So do monkeys.

To the discarded satin halter top on College Ave, WHERE IS YOUR OWNER? Somewhere out there is a half-naked chick and I must find her!

(Or a cross dresser. Have you ever considered what a guy might resort to in order to comply with stringent ratios?)

To the loudmouths on my floor: you know exactly who the fuck I’m talking about. You people sound like chipmunks who inhale way too much helium and yuou make my ears bleed! I pay out of state tuition to live in this pieceof-shit dorm and you making it even more shitty with your idiotic banter.

To the Christian Koreans who decided it was a righteous thing to do to stand next to the Muslim group on College Ave holding up a sign that said “We’re sorry we don’t judge:” you guys aren’t any more righteous because I don’t know what the hell is your problem. I guess even universal love can be discriminatory.

Cook/Douglass... smells like...feet To the grandma-looking girl on the fourth floor of Tenacious Tins, I must confess I stopped talking to you because after we had sex and I stumbled across some of your pictures on facebook and your wrinkly face and hooded eyes reminded me of my own mom I put on underpants this morning...and now they are not here. Ohhs no.

Dear non-Asian chick getting a bubble tea at Eyes, your Japanese really sucks and I don’t even speak it!

Stop trying to impress all of the 5 billion Asians at Rutgers because honestly, they don’t care, and neither do we. So stop. No one cares how fucking amazing you think you are, because you really aren’t.

You’re just annoying.

(Don’t you wish you had been a part of this epic day in history? Tomorrow’s another day to say something dumb. As always, send your personals to personals@themedium. n e t )

PERSONALS

Wednesday, 22 April 2009 To the guidos on Stone St: I couldn’t help but notice the extreme lack of pussy hanging with you guys on your front porch on Friday. This leads me to the inevitable conclusion that you are all fags.

(Doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out that guido is just another word for insecure, closetedhomosexual douchebag.)

To the hot indian girl in allen hall.. The one with the blonde roommate..

You1re the best. Love you.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox sorry for pushing you in front of that car..

I hope you’re okay. to my roommate, I never thought I could meet someone so fucking lazy they can’t throw their laundry in the hamper, and you want to be a doctor? You smell like shit and all that perfume you spray will never fix that. I’m sorry.

(Turn it to your advantage. Help her get through med school, have her treat you and then sue her ass when she fucks up!)

To Kaitie: you suck. You’re a bitch and I don’t know how anyone would want to ever go near your vag

“This page brough to you by Satanic Yoda, as always motherfuckers.”

Loo-loo-loo, I got some apples, Loo-looloo, you got some too, Loo-loo-loo, let’s make some applesauce, Take off your clothes and loo-loo-loo.

(I said don’t bitch about your roommate, not come out of the closet.)

Dear “Unnamed Douchebag I’ve Managed to see Everywhere Since FreshmanYear”: Ever since I first saw you, I disliked you. You’re annoying when you speak. Your face annoys me. That sweatshirt you wear to lecture every week is disgusting. You sneeze inside your shirt and it makes me want to vomit.

Your glasses are lame. I just really, really, really don’t like you. Life’s a bitch, I know. i get wet listening to my roommate’s moaning.

(I get hard listening to her moan, too. I go soft listening to you.)

To my roommate: don’t EVER do THAT again.

You know, that thing that you did. Don’t ever do it again. Or I’ll kill you.

To my roommate, is it really necessary to make noises while you eat? You sound like you belong in the barn. (

O

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To the residents of lippincot, why do you all hate each other so much? congrats on providing half of the entire personals section every week. you guys are one angry b u n c h .

(I agree, they supply a nice amount of content. Read on.)

Dear Lippincott, FUCK YOU ALL. There is nothing that would satisfy me more than to watch each and every one of you get run over by an 18wheeler. Fuck you two faced hypocritical bitches, snobby potheads, cliquey douchebags and dumb fucks in general.

Grow the fuck up and stop talking shit. Have a great life mother fuckers. With love, your fellow Lippincott resident.

To the kid in Lippincott who fuckin blasts his bass all the fucking time...

SHUT THE FUCK UP! to the other kid in Lippincott, stop fucking slamming your door all the fucking time for no fucking reason!

(I’d also like to add that this kind of dorm-based hating is a great inspiration for personals, to those ) of you who were too cowardly/stupid/uninteresting to send anything in all year, you fucking leeches.)

Since fucking when is there SKA in Russia?

Damn commies...

AVOID BEING FODDER FOR THE MEDIUM! LOSE WEIGHT, WHALE!

This has been a Public ServiceAnnouncement from your friends at The Medium.

THE MEDIUM

A Little Bit ‘o Hate Mail...

Peope ask us all the time if we get any hate mail. Surprisngly, we don’t really get that much (I know, really?).

However, in response to our cover story from last week, we got this nice little gem. Enjoy! -Satanic Yoda Leave it up to the Medium, a group of dirty fucking mouth breathing losers with no social lives to try and poke fun at 9/11 in a feeble attempt to fill in that empty space on your front page since u dumb mother fuckers are too incompetent to come up with something actually funny.

Stick to what you know, which is circle jerking each other in the Student Center during your meetings and praying for some sort of social life u dungeon dwelling, suspender-wearing faggots.

(To the above message, my reply was as follows: “WAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAAH.” Although he is right about our weekly circle-jerkfests. My guess is he’s jealous that we get more action than he does. And that we don’t have gills. Moron.)

To the girl on the corner To my roommate, Your fasof Easton and Hamilton, cination with cock amazThanks for warning me es me. Not only can I not about that car that was about leave the room for thirty to (not) hit me. Your hot as seconds to take a fucking fuck and you move your piss with out my computer ass perfectly. Perhaps next being gangbanged by your time I won’t be totally repertoire of dick websites, distracted and actually re- but nobody can walk down spond with something the B wing of Nicholas hall better than “Oh, thanks.” (let alone the building) COCK BALLS without finding little tidbits CLIT LABIA :D of your artwork. With this SHOUT OUT TO MAH being said YOUR DICK DAVIDSON A HOMIES! DRAWINGS ARE PAWE ROUGHIN IT, BITCH! THETIC, at least pretend (After the past few issues, like you know what one I didn’t know retarded frat fucking looks like. Put boys still read this thing.) some God damn effort into To RUPD: what the fuck your fucking vandalism. do you mean you don’t To the sorority girls at have enough money to pa- the table next to me at trol around Jameson hall Brower on Sunday: is at 3:00 in the morning to that one guy who was sitmake sure I don’t get raped? ting with you one of your Maybe if you fucking pigs boyfriends or your pimp? didn’t waste so much of And how much for head? our money hiring under- I have perpertual tincover cops to bust ston- gling in my vag, and it’s ers on College Ave, maybe not crabs! I think there’s you’d have more money left termites up my cooter. over to actually KEEP THE (Sounds like you’ve had FUCKING PLACE SAFE a lot of wood up there...)

YOU STUPID FAGGOTTo that weird asian kid trying ASS MOTHERFUCKERS! to hold the door at Busch’s dear kids who smoke outtakeout line. You creep side of murray every fucking me out. day, you’re all so cool and To the loud bitches and artsy sucking on your ciggs. assholes who walk on my it’s totally original how you street at night: shut the all choose to smoke in the fuck up or I’m gonna bust same place. i really love a fuckin’ cap. I don’t need breathing in the second hand to hear about how many smoke you blow into my dicks you sucked that night face, too. i can just taste your or how you just got AIDS. coolness when you do that.

(This is the part where we displease, give me more. oh, appear. Hope the rest of the yes... no, but seriously, you editors didn’t fuck this issue guys are all fucking twats. up! Love, Satanic Yoda and (Waaaah.

Waaaaah.) the Girl Personals Editor

THE WHAT’S PERSONALIN’? Wednesday, April 22 MEDIUM You Better Remember What’s Shakin?

nd

2009

“I fuckin’ hate doing personals.”

4/20 @ The Medium Production Room - Dear old man party crasher, the Weezer glasses don’t hide the fact that you’re at least 45 years old. Please go back to the convenience store down the street where you work and play “act like a 20-year-old” at the cash register.

5/1 @ Rutgers University - Dear Baggy Pants Crunkster Mcfunksters in the DCC parking lot Friday evening, it’s the first nice night of the year, we’re trying to enjoy a meal outside, and YOU’RE having an episode of Wildn’ Out all over the parking lot. Take your West Side story blastin stereo dance off there!

Hey roommate, when was the last time you combed your hair?! I’m afraid to get near you because your hair might pull me in like some freakyass amazon jungle plant.

Hey Kati Roll dudes, yous is AWESOME! I don’t know what the fuck is in ANY of these things but they’re always good!

To the frat girls who try to tan when its 65 degrees outside, I hope you get mountains of fire ants up your vag.

(I dated a girl that was into that stuff once.)

To the hideously disgusting girl on Huntington Saturday night, why... I ask WHY do you decide to tempt me with those boobies? Obviously I was gonna stare at them all night, and then I ended up getting a boner which normally wouldn’t matter but I was wearing sweatpants.

Seriously, you ruined my night, but it was good shit when I pounded the grapefruit I had in my fridge and pretended it was you.

(Man, I didn’t read any of this, waaay too long.)

I just caught our new Copy Editor at The Medium using the incorrect form of “its.” She’s an English major. Doesn’t that mean William Shakespeare is going to come crashing through the walls to beat us all in the head with an unabridged dictionary?

Dear fellow studier at Mabel Smith: Do you have a Wendy’s in your ass?! Whoa, you smell!

To my sexy asian roommate, I love how we can suck each other off every night and neither of us get tired of it.

C-C-C-Caption Contest!

Winners!

1) Holy shit! It’s Christmas in April and I’m wearing space pajamas!

2) To my dear friends beloved pug dog, you are a DNA experiment gone horribly wrong.

3) There’s something wrong with my toast!! Guess I’ll just use it to rub my sweaty armpits with.

5/5 @ Planet Earf - To people who write on bathroom walls, you are all idiots! No one knows who Jen and Dn are, and no one cares if you’re in love, broken-up, or just hooking up for the fuck of it...

I really don’t want to know who sucks great cock while I take care of my business.

5/10 @ NYC - To that girl whose hair looks like a bicycle tire wrapped around her head, I have never seen anything like that in my entire life. I missed my bus stop staring at your bizarre braid. What is going on with your head?

5/12 @ Phillay - To the girl on George St. who was so excited to break out her short shorts Saturday night, you’re a good person to have around because your white legs really lit up the night. I was almost blinded and crashed into Harvest Moon seeing those pasty chunk sticks.

What’s Cakin’?

(This stuff is icing on the shit-cake)

To the douchebag on TINSLEY. Tinsley was better without you. You look like a fucking loser sitting in the lounge eating takeout and watching hilarious shows on your computer. Another thing you 7 foot prick, if you haven’t noticed, this is the lacrosse building. I don’t want to see you lame as flyers around the building, telling people to go to the sports games.

That’s a pussy thing anyway. We don’t care if you guys are ranked in the nation. You also get the least amount of pussy on college ave. Honestly, no girls in this building would even consider talking to you. Stop scaring away visitors with your black soulless eyes. I think the next time i see you, im gonna punch you in the face. I don’t care if you outweigh me by 100lbs, you’re probably still a fucking pussy. Go eat a lightbulb at the colonial house while the rest of us are actually partying with girls at the frats you can’t get into.

Come see me, motherfucker so that i can send your dumbass back to the shithole that is planet Jupiter.

To the super-short lady at the Central Ave basement show getting grinded to a pulp by men much larger than you, I wasn’t sure if you needed help because your shrieks were being muffled by loud music and man-shouts. I just assume you were having a great time...and then the men broke up and you were no longer there. If you really were grinded to a pulp, I am sorry...and I am sorry for laughing at the thought of it.

To that girl I met last weekend, you’re kinda cute but sadly, you only have one hole, which will not facilitate all eight of my tentacle-armcocks. Please understand. I’m sorry darlin.