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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XXI
APRIL 18th, 2012
WHY YOU'RE LAME
UNDERGROUND RUTGERSFEST WAS AWESOME, AND YOU WEREN'T THERE BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
HAMILTON ST— In the absence of Rutgersfest— the daylong music festival which was cancelled last year because the administration is afraid of students having too much fun, at least one guy—This Guy— rose to the challenge to keep it going strong. This Guy carefully saved up about $35 over a time frame of four months, and put together an elaborate “Underground Rutgersfest” to perpetuate Rutgers' most beloved tradition. The event took place last week in a Hamilton Street basement. You weren’t there and it was awesome. A number of musical acts showed up, all played from a crystal clear Apple iHome speaker system. Most of the song selections were specially imported from This Guy’s iTunes library just for the occasion. The volume was turned up much higher than normal, and since no one was there, the sound bounced
NEWS IN PICTURES
Catholic Clergy to don White Hoods to Support Trayvon Martin
"The white hoods are a symbol of peace, as they are they same color as doves and my pope garments," proclaimed Pope Benedict. The Church has seen widespread support for this decree, and more and more clergy have begun wearing their supportive hoods.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spend all day talking over each other Look at this fucking rager you missed
through the basement with its great concrete wall acoustics. You weren’t there, but it was the shizznit. Drunkenness was had by all, to the tune of water bottle after water bottle of brown liq-
uid, cunningly disguised with a hand made “foamy iced tea” label so no one would know it was actually beer. It tasted like shit, and that’s what makes for true memories of youth well spent. Continued on Page 2
Kid who won Mega-Millions won't stop rubbing it our goddamn faces
Tent State Attacked by Barchi Plans to Sell Bears After Protesters Historic Old Queens from his former experience as a physician, the building was "terLeave Food Out NEW BRUNSWICK- Newly minally ill." BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
appointed President of Rutgers University, Dr. Robert L. Barchi, has announced his plans to sell the historical headquarters of the college, Old Queens. While Barchi does not take the reigns as President until September 1, he has already contacted several buyers interested in purchasing the building and lot. "We are not a museum of old artifacts," said the former President of Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. Barchi also noted that the building was out-of-date and not up to modern building code standards. He concluded that
Ain't That A Bitch
"The money we receive from selling the building will contribute to the new medical school," said Barchi, implying that Governor Christie's proposals will be approved. Current President Richard L. McCormick shares the same middle initial as his successor but is strongly opposed to the sale of Old Queens. "I took so many shits in that building," said McCormick. "Maybe history is just my thing but the building needs to be preserved as a Rutgers landmark." The Associated Press reports that potential buyers include Wal-Mart heiress Alice
“Leif if you text-wrap one more thing I'm going to fucking kill you”
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
COME TO THE MEETGreek Service Day to teach students to perform MEDIUM ING TONIGHT @ 8PM! charitable acts while heavily intoxicated YEAH I'M IN A FRAT
BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK- This upcoming weekend, students from various fraternities and sororities will converge on New Brunswick to help various charities and organizations improve the greater New Brunswick area. As part of ‘Greekend’, an end of year celebration of Greek Life on campus, students will help those in need while helping themselves to beer and tequila. “We want to let New Brunswick know that Rutgers Greeks care about our community,” said Laura Dunlap, Panhellenic Council’s events co-chair. “We are sure that this year’s efRUTGERSFEST
...continued from front
You weren’t there, but you wish you were. Of course, Underground Rutgersfest would not be complete without moon bounces. This Guy didn’t have any of those, so This Guy brought a mattress down to the basement and jumped until he puked his carbonated stomach contents. The element of danger was definitely there because This Guy has a very low ceiling in the basement, with lots of cobwebs that can get caught in your eyes. You weren’t there, but it was fucking sweet. Organizing is underway for next year’s underground Rutgersfest, but you probably won’t show up to that one either because you’re a buzzkill.
forts will be as successful as last year’s, even though we barely remember what happened or who we helped.” In past events , students that have participated in Greek Service day have fed soup to homeless people, which was spiked with Jack Daniels, helped the infirmary at St. Peters Hospital do keg stands, and taught the youth of New Brunswick how to make Jell-O shots using mommy’s secret stash of peach schnapps and vodka-flavored whipped cream. While only one day is dedicated to service, the message carries on in the hearts of the Greek community. “Its taught me a lot about giving to the less fortunate,”
ROOM 120A BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER SHARE OPINIONS AND PITCH IDEAS FOR ARTICLES! WE'LL EVEN SING SOME T-SWIFT SONGS AND RAG ON THE SLUTTY SELENA GOMEZ FANS
Hipster “Satisfied” With Purchase At Garage Sale BY LIL BIT PERSONALS EDITOR
EAST BRUNSWICK- Rutgers student and self-proclaimed animal rights activist Mike Thomas displayed mild enthusiasm on Sunday upon discovering a working early 20th century typewriter at a local garage sale. The Rutgers sophomore explained that he had only stopped off at the sale to peruse the racks of used goods ironically when he noticed the rare treasure. OLD QUEENS ...continued from front “It was just laying there next Walton and media mogul Sean to a bunch of milk bottles. It's "P. Diddy" Combs. The building going to be a sick accent piece for my room," Thomas said. "I won't is projected to sell for $6.7M. "Think of how cool it would use it to type, I have a MacBook be to have a Wal-Mart next to Pro for that. I just want to seem The Vue and to have all that like I'm deep. Please, God, let it extra money for the medical seem like I'm deep." Vintage typewriters have school," said Barchi. "We have to start thinking about adjust- been an increasingly popular ing the budget for the medical collector's item among the skepschool. Medicine! Mediciiiiine!" tic and socially disenchanted,
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
said Mike Dextron, a senior in Theta Delta Chi. “Now, when I buy liquor, I also buy one or two of those little airplane bottles which I can give to the homeless people. Its so worth it to see a smile spread across their faces.” In addition to Greek Service Day, the Panhellenic Council will offer other activities during ‘Greekend’ such as bowling drunk, going to the movies drunk and cooking food drunk. It will culminate in a giant ceremony where bottles of Van Gogh PB&J Vodka will be handed out to everyone, since every member of every sorority and fraternity will be gunning for the pristine award for ‘Most Intoxicated.’
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
BETTER THAN YOU "This place smells of mothballs and elitism... I feel right at home"
and Thomas felt no immunity to their draw. "The 'Anonymous' poster on my wall says that I appreciate the nuances of new technology... but my vintage typewriter says that I'm an appreciator of the written word," said Thomas. Typewriters are among several vintage artifacts that have News Editors Katie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Philip Li Opinions Editor The Lorax Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano Steve Troulis
become fads this year. "I got my authentic, Polaroid camera at Urban Outfitters," said junior Phillip Chan. "I bought it as a buy-one-get-onefree deal with a pack of "Owls Making Sarcastic Faces" playing cards. Yeah, it doesn't take real pictures, but it still looks sick hanging around my neck." Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Club Mascot Call me Steve-O
Kenny Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Cubby the Pug I'mma Wild Boy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Clown Wig. For defeating Jesus in the battle of Good vs. Good
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
“Well, you just show her a penis bigger than her thumb.”
HELP RAPE GMC Savana:
MSRP: $25,000 This fair priced van has a 4.3L V6 engine, which runs at 195 horsepower. The MPG is 15 city/20 highway, so you can stray farther away from home to swipe your victims on a single tank. Overview: this van can run from the police quite well, but the main problem is that there are no side doors to access the cargo area. This won?t allow for quick side street grabs, you will have to cunningly lure in your victims. This van is for the experienced rapists only.
R A P E V A N 101 BY: POKEMON LEAF GREEN
MSRP: $27,000 This van is eligible to be upgraded to a 6.8L v10, with a 33 gallon gas tank. With 305 horsepower, this van is an excellent blockade runner for those hot pursuit situations. This van also has a windowless option, so no one will be able to see your ?cargo.? 1.5 sized side doors allow for quick, off the street grabs. Overview: The Ford E-series is an excellent choice for novice predators, and receives the award for best overall van.
INDIAN PRINCESS SHIT!??!?!
#IndianKidProblems by Supa Krupa Troopa
Growing up with Indian parents in an American society has always had its pros and cons. Yes, my parents pay for everything, feed me, and sometimes even do my laundry, but I still find my ass getting yelled at for stupid irrevelent stuff. Here’s some shit my parents say when they scold me: 1. “Why do you smell like men’s cologne?” Uh…the truth is, my friends are assholes an sprayed me with Axe. 2. “You got a 95 on an exam? Why didn’t you get a 100?” Da fuq, why ain’t a 95 good enough for you?! All the white folk are content with it! 3. “You need to learn how to cook, who wants to marry a girl that can’t cook?” Well mom, in that case, I’m not learning to cook. Fuck that.
4. “You want to sleep over your friends house? No. You have your own bed.” Seriously, dad? The whole team is going.I’m not going to get raped at my TEAM SLEEPOVER. 5. “Why are you wearing shoes in the house? Now you can scrub the carpet.” Walking into the house with shoes on for 2 seconds isn’t going to kill anyone… 6. “You spent how much on what?! MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES.” I know, dad. COME ON. It was on sale AND I had a coupon. 7. “Boys? Is he Indian? Doctor? Lawyer? Rich? How about PreMed?” Not applicable. He is my Physics lab partner…who happens to be a foot shorter than me. Not interested.
CUTE THINGS OF THE WEEK
MEAT AND WORDS
Meat Love by: STUNAMI
One of the greatest dilemmas in the history of human civilization; keep the cute animal alive, or kill it and eat bacon later. I’ve made my choice; to let somebody else kill the cute animal, and enjoy the meat later. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals, and I would never kill one just for meat. But kobe steaks are not just meat. They are something greater. Much greater. Bacon, chicken cordon bleu, roast pork, are all well worth the cost of an animal’s life and suffering. Unfortunately, thousands of animals die each day, only to be repurposed as dry, diner chicken fingers, meat loaf, and god forbid, Indian food. I believe that if animals are going to die, they at least deserve the dignity of a delicious fate, rather than being thrown away as a half eaten blueberry McDonalds chicken nugget. Animal activists today are far too general with their beliefs. I think we can have it both
the Medium Chevrolet Express 1500:
MSRP: $25,000 The Chevy Express utilizes a 4.6L V6, but is available with a diesel engine for the 2500 model. It has the capability to upgrade to 260 horsepower, which fairs quite well against pursuit vehicles. The mileage is 15 city/20 highway, which is similar to the average van. Overview: The Chevy Express is the average van, which blends well into daily traffic. It is available in passenger or cargo models, having double side doors as an option. This van is best for your average kidnapper.
ways. Instead of freeing all the animals, we should just make it illegal to process them into edible shit, or caca, if you will. Right now, innocent animals are being wasted. If we are going to make them suffer and die, we at least owe it to the animals to make sure their death does not go in vain. On the contrary, we honor those cows that gave their lives, by turning them into delicious entrées and not e-coliinfested taco bell ground beef. Every mass-produced burrito is a slap in the face to the wrongfully sacrificed cow. I weep for the lost dignity that every bovine and meat-baring creature must feel when they reach heavenly pastures only to find that their last earthly legacy was being sold as SPAM. I propose a new wave movement. Rescue the animals. But only the ones that are destined to be wasted. That’s a fair tradeoff as I see it, and one that most everyone, meat-lover and vegans alike can agree on. I won’t be shoving pamphlets in your face to get my message across, just nasty dining hall sausages.
WORD OF THE WEEK
[crah-fing]. Verb. The act of laughing while simultaneously crying. Sadness and laughter happening in concurrence results in this phenomenon. Often the by-product of tickling or being tickled. Ex. "When she tickled me I craughed all over the place." "Rick Santorum makes me craugh so hard I get a hernia." "The bipolar woman craughed in public, frequently."
“An arm for an arm makes the whole world armless.”
Don’t You Kids Have Any Sense of Direction? BY DR. GARTH PATTERSON, ASSISTANT DEAN
As Fall registration a “dean,” doesn’t mean I begins, I always find own the freaking school! myself up to my freakThis brings me to the ing eyeballs in advising week before registration. appointments. It usually That was the worst by far starts three weeks before because I have to sit in the first registration block traffic all morning just to opens. Those students hear students freak out in usually have a fucking front of me from 8 am to clue what they want to do 5 pm. And I don’t even fit but they think they’re go- in every student considing to get screwed over in ering I have to see 30-40 every way possible. They students each day and are by far the worst bitch- fucking Amir won’t stop es and bastards to cross asking me questions. my desk. Get it T h e n “I find myself meet- straight son, my appointI don’t have ing students that ments inthe syllabus crease ex- haven’t gone to a for each class ponentially you may every day. I class all semester.” or may not find myself register for meeting students that off the top of my head. haven’t even gone to a I have a computer prosingle class this semester gram that tells me your yet but somehow expect fucking GPA, credits, and to make a schedule based major/minor declaraoff this semester’s expec- tion. I bet you do this to tations. How the fuck am your oil change guy too. I supposed to justify tell- I bet you ask him about ing you Amanda, I mean, your brakes and then go justify telling students see daddy to fix it. Well, that they aren’t going to fuck you. be able to continue with So the next time the next class without a you think about making passing grade in the first? your schedule for next Am I fucking superman? semester or trying to figNo, Timmy, I don’t ure out what you want have the authority to to do with your freaking override the entire sys- life, think about the guy tem of Rutgers and al- who has to sit back and low you to take a class listen to your problems that you’re not qualified as if he’s only hearing for yet. And no, Dean these “screwy” things for Coogan can’t help either. the first time in his life. So please stop fucking None of you are speasking us to “pull some cial, remember that. strings.” Just because I’m
BECAUSE I CAN
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
My Anecdotal, Uncontrolled Experiment Proves my Point BY HELENA MCCANN Whenever I get into an argument with somebody and they try to tell me that what I’m saying is untrue on a scientific basis, I am always able to prove them wrong with anecdotal evidence that spits in the face of the scientific method. Some “scientists” design “experiments” with “independent and dependent variables,” and go through rigorous analysis of metadata to prove their “hypotheses,” but if my aunt told me a story about something that happened one time to her friend that disproves whatever you’re trying to prove, I’m going to have to believe the halfremembered and exaggerated story of my aunt instead of your logical and peer-reviewed study. I understand that millions and millions of dollars are used worldwide to fund important scientific research, and that through science, many vastly important innovations have been discovered that have a significant impact on the
way people in the 21st century live their lives. In spite of that, I am going to reject all scientific evidence that disproves my inherent biases that I have accumulated throughout my lifetime based on false attributions. Just because someone has a PhD in some field doesn’t make them an expert, even though
“Just because someone has a PhD in some field doesn’t make them an expert.” they are, by definition, an expert. Even though I haven’t taken any classes even remotely related to the actual study of science since high school, it doesn’t mean I can’t make my own theories about basic scientific facts in the fields of biology, psychology, physics, and chemistry. Were you trying to tell me that obesity in
America is caused by high calorie diets and sedentary lifestyle based on a series of recent studies? Well I had a friend that would eat a lot and didn’t exercise and was always skinny. How does that fit into your science? I believe that this winter was unseasonably warm because of the effects of global warming. Don’t even try to tell me that it was caused by a meteorological phenomenon of pressure changes in the jetstream over the Southwestern and Eastern United States. But next year, if the winter is very harsh, I will retract my support of the theory of climate change and have a different pool of anecdotes to pull from when you try to argue that the greenhouse effect causes winter weather to be more extreme. I don’t get why so many people care so much about ensuring scientific accuracy when my anecdotal evidence is much more convincing than anything they have to say. I guess it’s genetic.
Ask Any Rutgers Bus Driver Other Than Stan
Q: I work part time at a fast food place. One of my co-workers there is always complaining about having to do work and always does things like check her phone and takes smoke breaks during our busiest times. My other co-workers and I have to pick up her slack, and I don’t think she deserves the same pay as us when we have to do her job for her. She isn’t really qualified to do anything else so I know this job is important to her but it’s really making everyone else’s job harder. Should we call her out on her bad behavior? Sincerely, Fried and Frazzled
Look, before we talk about anything I need you get behind the white line. I can’t move this bus or answer any questions until you’re behind that line. I’m sorry hun, but if I hit the breaks you’re gonna go tumbling through that windshield. I’m not gonna sit here all day filling out police reports just because you won’t sit that big ass backpack down. Hey, if you can’t fit you have to wait for the next bus. I don’t make the rules. Look, I don’t know when the next bus is coming but you just have to get off and wait. We all have places to be, boy, and no one is gonna be anywhere if you don’t get behind that white line. This is company policy, don’t you see the sign? All of you need to move towards the back because I have a schedule and I’m not getting in trouble for this. YOU NEED TO MOVE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE AND MAKE THEM MOVE YOU! Alright now that everyone is behind the line I can tell you that girl sounds like a bitch but you shouldn’t confront her. Tell a supervisor about her instead. You’ve got 6 minutes to think about it before the bus departs.
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
“You’re gonna make my gift look like a used bag of disposable beans...”
FATALITY OF THE WEEK
Submit your beautiful artwork to...
hey... come to our meeting tonight - BCC 120A
the Medium HI I SUCK
To the College Republicans: watching you all kick and scream like a bunch of bratty 4 year olds has been the most en(Sounds like a baby fish... tertaining thing I’ve seen at Rutgers since the crazy RIP Pearl </3) christian preachers. I Female RU students for look forward to all of you all positions. $20 per failing in life when you hour. No experience nec- realize that nobody gives essary. Free training. 732- two shits about anything 050-6969 you say or think and that after you’re all dead and (So curious about what this gone The Medium will ad is for but way too lazy still be here. Go ahead, to call the number. Let me cry to your friends at Fox know if it’s legit.) News and get this paper more publicity! If you don’t use the shower because you think it’s @@<0n ^^@<cus is like moldy, don’t you the conservative Jewish think that makes your Al Sharpton. (PS Im a Zistinky ass pussy moldy? onist Jew so you cant call You lazy fuck, get off me antisemitic or anyyour bum and take a thing) shower ‘cause you’re stinking up the place! It’s (I can not decipher this unfair to my friend & I mysterious code. All I know that have to deal with is that I love Zionist Jews<3 your stench, you hoe And the First Ammendbag . I feel bad for any ment!!!1!!) guy that tries to get with you; jk will never To the RA who wrote me happen since you’re a up and decided to infugly bitch clude the details of my RIP Pearl. You were one of the kindest people and you will be missed. Love, Voorhees Hall <3
“Like serious writing but hate the Targum? Check out RUckmakers.com or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org!” (Like serious writing but too intimidated to come to a meeting for The Medium because we’re funny?!! Check out THE DAILY TARGUM!!! And if they don’t really need any help right now...send samples to ruliberals.imabiggot.rutgers.edu!!!!!)
To the loser Indian kids in gen psych: can you all shut the fuck up during lecture and stop trying to hit on girls that you’re never gonna get laid by? I don’t think even those freaky multi-handed brown-people deities could could count how many times the prof called you asswipes out for talking. Also, stop wearing sandals with socks. I hope you get hairy dingleberries flung at your faces by an army of boot camp-going fat kids. (At first I didn’t believe that anyone would try to hit on girls in Gen. Psych...but then I remembered being a freshman on Livingston.)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
“A salad with just the right amount of deli meats<3”
UH... Dear awesomest roommate the world could ever know, I love you so much. But there’s a few complaints 1. Turn of Amy Lee alarm clock. I don’t need to be so damned depressed everytime I wake up. 2. I so want to talk about skype, but you’d shave my head for that. 3. If you threaten to jump on me naked one more time when I’m not doing my homework I’m breaking Fable 1, 2 and 3. <3 Otherwise *Cue music* You’re the best around! Nothings gonna ever keep ya down! Yeah I’m that bored.
To the hypocritical outcasts-of-Rutgers Medium staff, the Rutgers community, and most importantly, the cranky Jews. Last week this newspaper issued a note apologizing for a questionably antisemetic article, yet in the SAME ISSUE the word “nigger” was used. The Medium is filthy and racist, which motivates me to blow my load every Wednesday!--but now you little pussies have succumbed to nasally, overbearing voices of the god forsaken Jews. You pricks have your own Chabad house where Rabbi SaggyBalls blows more boys than the sluts (1. *off in Mettler. Maybe you 2. Don’t talk about Skype fucking kikes should rejust stop being a freshman move the menorahs from 3. You dont know what a your assholes so youre fable is...and you sound not so tense about these retarded”) delicate articles (or don’t To the pharmacy guy in read them). You cannot my class, I will say you spell Jew without EW for have gotten good look- a reason. Shame on you ing, but I thought you Medium. Fuck the Jews. were fine before. I also Do yo thang! think it is adorable when you make announce- (For clarification purposes, coming out of the closet ments. Hopefully we can The Medium is obliged to in the documentation say hi to each other one discriminate, satirize and for the community stan- day generally shit on each subdards people to read, sect equally. Apologies are simply because it was (You’re not good looking re- just to shut the press up.) “standard procedure” to lax.) To Fat Christie: how do so ...stop. just stop. Stop running around act- To the girl at the party much of your tiny dick ing like you’re the best that was playing 70’s did Sweeny suck for thing to ever happen to funk music in the base- you to actually pretend residence life. And seri- ment, with the uncon- to give a shit about highously, next time “stan- ventional short black er ed. in Jersey? Oh he probably dard procedure” calls hair, whose feet hurt be- wait, you to include some- cause of her high heels couldn’t find it under all thing as personal as my and who seemed to ab- your rolls of fat. We’re not sexual orientation and solutely love the song stupid, you unintellectuthe accomplishments/ beat it: We danced for a al bougie tub-of-lard, and struggles I’ve had in ac- little bit, but I don’t know we all know that there’s cepting it, actually use if you remember it since some pocket lining goyour brain and don’t just you seemed pretty out of ing on under the table blindly follow procedure, it. You were one of the for this Rutgers-Rowan ASK ME if it’s okay that dam cutest girls I have merger. How much more you share that informa- ever seen. I hope I see furious neck-fat jiggling tion before you actually you around sometime be- do you have left in you do. I mean, come on, I cause you were adorable anyway? I hope you get had literally JUST told and gave off this vibe of used as an obese punchmy friends on my floor, the perfect combination ing bag while simultaneand not all my friends of a little shy yet rebel- ously being harvested on a skewer for the State Poup here even know yet. lious. lice dogs to eat, you fat Don’t just grossly assume Dear Droid update, fuck. that it’s okay to go runFuck you. Now that you ning your mouth. Cause are like four operating (Fat jokes for Christie are it’s not. Just because you systems behind you fi- unoriginal. However, if take your job entirely too nally decide to update “we” indicates the popuseriously doesn’t mean to another obsolete one? lation of New Jersey as a you need to disregard Thank you so much for whole, then yes....we all see your residents’ privacy keeping up to date. You through your transparent and further complicate suck. motves for the Rutgersthe already difficult process of coming out. (Droids are the worst guys. Rowan merger. Please put Just save yourselves the on a condom before you trouble and get the iPhone.) fuck us next time, Gover(real talk) nor.
STEVE To the kappa sigma brothers outside brower on Wednesday: did you honestly expect anyone to think you guys looked cool? Your music sucks donkey dick and you dance worse than a parapaleigic with cerebral palsy. (SUCK IT KAPPA SIGMA!!!! They just destroyed you via Medium, and if you don;t respond to this you’re a bunch of blow-job giving Cher appreciators.) Blow is like thanksgiving in a line (This is the first personal to actually make me laugh in a while for some reason. What a fucking scum...Merry Christmas) I once went to a George Carlin show, and there were two women in the front row who were laughing so obnoxiously that he actually stopped the performance and had security throw them out. I was really hoping that Nick Offerman would have done the same with that annoying assburger on the left side of the audience last Friday who wouldn’t shut the hell up. (Part of me wants to believe that this is a reference to Nick Offerman doing standup at the Stress Factory. Another part of me wants to believe that we’re all just slaves toiling away for our perceptions of reality.) I heard black people will vote for Obama or in this case, ride his dick, just because he’s black. Is this true? Probably. Ron Paul should smack the shit out of them with the Constitution and hopefully instil some sense into them. (And then Stephen Colbert rides in on an Bald Eagle.... AMURRICA) To my thesis: can you write yourself, please? Its not that hard. Please? Pretty please? I’ll suck your dick, thesis! I’ll buy you weed thesis, would you like that? I’ll take you to a romantic dinner! Anything? Please! (Skip the formalities and sleep with it. You’re a cheap whore aren’t you...)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
“They broke my watch!”
Betcha didn’t notice that the page format was reversed. Seriously, I don’t expect you to care....
I saved a ton of money by switching marriage insurance to Geico. Ill never use money in a divorce again!
Please God, let me pass with flying colors this semester and i’ll never submit another foul personals again.
To the obnoxious bitch who decided it would be an awesome idea to jump out in fromt of my car while turning into college ave, I know it is a crosswalk, but when the red hand comes up, it means don't fucking walk into the street. You came this close to being mounted like a goddamn hood ornament. Common sense should solve this dilemma in the future, but if not, I hope that natural selection will take its course on your poor unfortunate life (Simply, fuck your shit)
(Please don’t let this guy pass with flying colors.)
To my asshole roommate who decided to cock block me on friday night, I put my pubes on your pillow. Sleep tight!
December '61. My dad's wages light. Still on that salary We, all four, could sleep tight. Right now if you drank from That very same well, You'd need a run of luck To score a bed in a trick hotel.
(Both of which are a total dick move) To the guy who broke into my house. I just wanted to let you know you left your wallet under the coffee table on your way out, and the cops have all your information. I also have a "full magazine" with your name on it if you would like to visit again.
WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO DURING CLASS?
You know, in class when the professor lets you take notes on the computer. What are you really doing? A) Facebook
Because you think that if you don’t know what everyone you know is doing at all times, your face will melt
So you can tell everyone how boring your class is, and bitch about your professor
C) Submitting Personals to the Medium
D) Actually Taking Notes
To the writers at the me(Had to look that one up, dium- thanks for not beThe Gone Jackals- Legacy ing the targum. I know from the 90s. Why you send when I open this paper, I me this crap ill never know) have something to laugh Yeah, I wish I wrote this personal in at and make me feel good person for the rest of the day
If you chose this option, you are lying. Don’t kid yourself
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
“This shirt smells. I need to go change it.”
BY DR. K | Backpage Editor
Today at 9:00 AM Mastering RADIUS @ DCC In case DIAMETER was too hard for you, come and learn how to deal with something half as hard. I honestly have no idea what the fuck this was, but it just looked interesting enough to put here. Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-116B We will be having a Disney Sing-Along session. Send your Disney song requests to themedium.backpage@gmail. com! Thursday, April 19 at 10:30 AM Energy Efficiency: The Gift that Keeps on Giving @ IMCS Aquaculture Building If you thought that herpes was the gift that keeps on giving, you were wrong! But on a serious note, where the fuck is the IMCS Aquaculture Building? If you actually find it, e-mail email@example.com.
Soda Mixology BY KCIG | Webmaster
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Thursday, April 19 at 6:00 PM Code of Student Conduct Open Forum @ RSC Basically, a whole bunch of students who want anarchy on campus are going to battle against a whole bunch of students who needs rules on paper to be civil. Friday at 11:00 AM Developing Behaviorally-Based Monitoring and Management Tools for Brown Marmorated Stink Bug @ Blake Hall Okay. Seriously. Who the fuck comes up with these seminar names, and why is this in the public directory of events? Friday at 3:30 PM Whose Weather Is It Anyway? @ Davison Hall Its mine! All mine! And no one can touch it, muahahahahaha!
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Movie Review: The Hunger Games BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Ass. Backpage Editor
This movie was one of the greatest films I have ever seen! It was a complete mind fuck. Leonardo DiCaprio played his part excellently. The main plot is that Leonardo DiCaprio can go into people’s dreams and get information out of them. A company hires him and Leonardo and
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his team go into multiple dream levels to access information. Along the way, DiCaprio’s dead wife haunts him through the dreams he goes into. If you haven’t seen the Hunger Games, I highly suggest you go to your local movie theater immediately.
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I was first introduced to this drink mixture by watching a guy in front of me in line for the soda fountain make this very mixture. I was originally only going to get water, but I had to try this based on the implied recommendation of this stranger. My first thought was that it was going to be gross. Schweppes Ginger Ale can possibly be titled the universal mixer, since it mixes well with almost any other soda and still taste good; however, Orange Crush is the one soda that can’t mix well with anything else. Would the Schweppes Ginger Ale’s inherent qualities as a good mixer make this a success, or would the Orange Crush be overpowering and ruin any hope? Turns out, it’s really gross. I have tried this mixture several times, each time searching for what exactly makes the experience horrible. Most soda mixtures will taste good just by virtue
of being carbonated sugar water, but this is pretty unique in that I can’t bring myself to finish the glass. On a conceptual level, it is not as if the flavors of orange and ginger are impossible to mix. One just has to consider an orangeginger spiced chicken from a Chinese restaurant to verify that the flavors do work well together. Though it is perhaps because Orange Crush doesn’t actually taste like oranges, and Schweppes Ginger Ale doesn’t actually taste like ginger, so the two sodas don’t necessarily make a good combination. Another aspect that makes the mixture bad is the almost soapy taste of the Schweppes Ginger Ale, paired with the cloying sweetness of the orange soda. I don’t think any adjustment to the ratio of the two sodas would improve this drink. However, I would perhaps be compelled to try this mixture with Orangina or plain orange juice instead of Orange Crush.