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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
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APRIL 11th, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XXI
CIGARETTES FOR DAYS
A Statement from The Medium
YEARLY BLOOMING OF CIGARETTE TREES BEGIN
What is written below is a serious statement on behalf of the editorial board to clarify information concerning recent events. Unlike the rest of this paper, unless otherwise specified, the statement below is factual and represents the opinions of The Medium's editors and staff.
BY LIL' BIT PERSONALS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Crowds gathered in New Brunswick’s residential areas Tuesday morning to get a glimpse at the yearly blooming of the cigarette trees. School of Arts and Sciences junior Katie Daniels was among the many who flocked to see this miracle of nature. “I always flick my cigarette butts into this bush before I walk into my house, and today, I was delighted to see a KOOL tree growing outside my stoop, with full packs sprouting off of it,” Daniels told reporters on Tuesday. “If this means I never have to walk to Butler’s for boges again, then this truly is a miracle.” “It’s always so beautiful,”
said resident Michael LaQuon. “Every spring, the red and green packs hang from the trees. It's like Christmas, but with Joe Camel instead of Santa and terminal emphysema instead of fruit cake.” At first, scientists were stumped by the emergence of the tree, whose existence up until recently was thought to be an urban legend.
“An environment of laziness is critical for these plants to flourish, and we’ve certainly seen a lot of that around here in recent years,” speculated local botanist Deb Stryker. “Up until recently, the New Brunswick soil may not have had the correct decomposing-trash-to-feces ratio, a component thought necessary for the little guys to thrive.” Continued on Page 2
THE SITUATION AROUND YOU
RUPD creates "Criminals Around Me" app for smartphone users or otherwise unprepared in the middle of the night, which has NEW GUNSWICK— Are you been the case for the recent uptired making guesses about how tick in student crime incidents. safe it is to walk down Union The RUPD released a statement Street to get a fat sandwich at expressing their sincere hope 1:30 in the morning? A new that Criminals Around Me will iphone app from the Rutgers show students that the late night University Police Dept. can help. situation in New Brunswick is "Criminals Around Me" scans well beyond their control. According to students, the the immediate area relative to the app user for known or sus- app is working. "I was going to swipe this pected local criminals and plots incredibly friendly looking man their location so users can plan their routes around potential with a ski mask into my res hall," crime scenes. Results can also said freshman Kevin McHale. be filtered in case the user is less "But since my app identified worried about being raped than him as a criminal, I decided that I probably shouldn't." they are about being mugged. Many people are alarmed at The goal of the app, accordjust how well the app works. It ing to the RUPD, is to prevent students from walking alone highlights that the crime scene
As everyone on the Rutgers campus knows, The Medium follows the American tradition of parody, satire, and caricature. Virtually every article that appears within our pages and online is designed to entertain and, if we are successful, to satirize the people or events that the article targets. In last week's edition, a parody edition of Aaron Marcus' Targum column followed this approach and perhaps because the parody cut a little close for Marcus' taste, he made statements critical of The Medium and implied that The Medium is part of an anti-Semitic movement on campus. We assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. The article was simply another example of the humor that has made The Medium a Rutgers tradition and upholds the heritage of amusement and farce that has made The Medium the great institution that it is.
QUICKIES
Thousands of sexually active men infected with Trojan viruses
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
"I thought I had protection I could count on," said an anonymous victim. "I didn't even see it coming." in New Brunswick is much worse than originally imagined. RUPD promises that Criminals Around Me won't turn into an invasion of privacy. They have assured that the identities of criminals captured by the app will not be released to local authorities.
Here there be sarcasm ESTABLISHED 1970
Union for union workers of office cleaners of union workers of Union County goes on strike