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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com

Volume xliI Issue XVII

February 22nd, 2012

50¢

GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR PERNETTI

'SHUTTE'ING TO VICTORY NEW RUTGERS GOLF COACH CELEBRATED ACROSS CAMPUS BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES SENIOR NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK— Sophomore Marley Murkowski wiped a tear from her eye after the 3 hour long “Welcome to Rutgers” parade held last Friday along College Avenue for the University’s newest sports legend. “I’ve never been so proud to be an RU student,” said Murkowski, who plans to attend every golf game this upcoming season and give her support with wildly polite clapping. Sports analysts agree that Shutte will boost the golf team to a level of unparalleled victories. The golf team, which is regarded as the university’s must valuable asset, is looking forward to its first appearance at the Superbowl, which is pre- SHUTTE'S SHUTTLE dicted to happen after they beat Leftover money from Schiano's contract allowed for its construction

every golf team and move on to beating professional football teams. Shutte has reassured the university that he will help the men’s golf team cope with their newfound international fame. Shutte was picked from an elite field of seven potential coaches after a gladiator style sine missione trial on the planet’s most challenging golf course. It is most likely that his experience is what pulled him through. The coach, who hails from the heights of Mount Olympus referred to as “Lehigh University”, has trained in such extreme places as the Sahara Desert, where he once hit a golf ball out of a 2,000 mile wide sand trap. Rutgers Athletic director Tim Pernetti officially named Continued on Page 2

YEAHHHH BUDDY

NEWS IN PICTURES

Chris Christie to Star in New Season of Family Guy “No one upholds good ol’ fashioned values like Christie,” says creator Seth MacFarlane.

the borough, completely enclosing it from the rest of the world. "All the southwestern states are doing it," proclaimed Akers. "We need to strengthen our efforts in keeping North Jersey trash from stepping on our sacred shores." Questions began to arise on Seaside's source of income, due BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' to tourism being their previous NEWS EDITOR source of income. Akers was quick to respond. "We'll live off the land. I've already talked it over with the Attorney General and Governor Christie. From time to time, they'll fly in supply boxes filled with raw materiels like they did after WWII. And for power, we'll just use that big Ferris Wheel; I mean, how many people do we have to care for anyway?" JERSEY SHORE—Due to an Of the few homeowners reoutbreak of "illegals" running siding in Seaside Heights yearthrough the Jersey Shore over round, the general reaction to the past couple of years, Seaside the news has been positive. Heights Mayor William Akers "Yeah I think its great," said has decided to build a 20 foot 68 year-old resident Joe Brigatall wall stretching the length of Continued on Page 2

Seaside Heights Building 20 ft. Wall to Protect from North Jesey "Illegals"

#LINNING

ESTABLISHED 1970


the Medium

NEWS

"And so I'm roneryyyy, a rittle ronery...poor rittle me."

GLOOM & MISERY RETURN TO LIVINGSTON

LX Bus Driver Loses Voice, Campus Morale Down 70 Percent BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR

PISCATAWAY—A recent study measuring overall student happiness on Livingston Campus yielded low results in the “joy” and “motivation” categories. University officials are attributing the poor results to the infamous “Motivational LX Driver” losing his voice on Monday. The jovial driver was unable to bring his enthusiasm and inspirational tactics to work with him for the past few days, and is not expected to be able to speak again until next week. Student Jackie Morrison expressed her sadness after getting off the LX yesterday. "Tuesday morning just hasn’t been the same. My coffee tastes like crap, and I saw a dead pigeon outside of Tillet. There’s no way I’m going to be able to do my six-page take-home midterm essay on thyroid glands without having the motivation

I need.” Student morale levels on Livingston have been known to fluctuate, which is why campus officials originally sought to review them in wake of the campus’s complete overhaul. The results have Dean of College Avenue Timothy Grimm worried. Grimm said, “Students seem to respond well to charismatic bus drivers. They want to fist bump our drivers and they

need daily motivation to do well.” Grimm also said that the university is considering recording the motivational LX driver’s voice as a replacement for the bus system’s current pre-automated one. “Not only do we want to ensure that our students remain inspired if he loses his voice, we want every bus to carry that same exuberant vibe.”

Rutgers Student Has Trouble Getting Rid of "Clingy" Roommate BY CITIZEN SNIPS RESIDENT GUY

Editorial Staff Spring 2012

QUICKIES

God Now Favors Basketball & Jeremy Lin over Tim Tebow Media hype surrounding New York Knicks basketball sensation Jeremy Lin has taken over the world, including The Vatican. "Tebow is so old testament," said Pope Benedict XVI. "LINsanity has been tithing more than him. Go Knickerbockers!"

WE GOT A CLINGER

COLLEGE AVE—SAS Sophomore Jane Mirrah lives her life like any girl at Rutgers would: join a sorority, get roofied at Zeta, and eat like a hound-dog at the Grease Trucks the following morning. However, there's one thing that's been bugging her recently: her roommate Brigitte Manns. "I mean, she's nice and all, but since last semester she's been unnaturally clingy," said Mirrah. "She asks me everyday what my schedule is so we can eat meals together, even though I have a big weekly calendar posted above my bed. And she always meets me outside of my classrooms when they end. I'm almost positive she skips hers." Jane also expressed her dis-

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

Dorms Run out of Toilet Paper; Students Use Targum Instead of Hands

“It's a little rough on the asshole," said freshman Mark Billings. "We wanted to use The Medium, but they're never available in dorms," said sophomore Henry McDermott.

Student that Bleeds "Scarlet" Diagnosed with Hepatitis C We debated using this as a quickie or writing an actual article about this; clearly, this is quickie material. That's just plain gross and effed up on too many levels. We apologize for any nightmares, crying, and/or trouble you may have sleeping. ...continued from "Shuttle"

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You think someone's watching you, but you're too afraid to turn around

comfort with Brigitte at parties and other social gatherings. "She follows me into parties that I didn't invite her to and when inside, she just stares at me while I try and hook up with

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer

Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman

guys. She's a total cock-blocker." Brigitte could not be reached for comment, but eye-witnesses have reportedly seen her following Jane into the dormitory bathrooms of Campell Hall.

News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Helen Mirren Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Brianna Provenzano

Shutte head coach last Thursday, during a high profile, nationally televised press conference, at which Shutte arrived on the official “Shutte Shuttle”: a gift from the university that was provided as a sign-on bonus. “Yes, we gave him a shuttle because it’s sort of like his name,” said Pernetti after the press conference. “Don’t give me that look, it is! It’s Shutte with an ‘L’ added in. Am I the only one who gets this?!” ...continued from "Seaside Heights"

dier. "All these tan, young whippersnappers have taken up the beach for far too long. My wife and I can finally hunt for seaglass." Backpage Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douches Club Mascot

Kenneth Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Damn Hipsters Cubby the Pug <3

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Aragorn, son of Arathorn Thanks for saving the kingdoms of Rohan, Gondor, and keeping all of Midde-Earth safe.


FEATURES

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

the Medium

“Leif has earned himself......a.............JUICEBOXXXXXXX”

WHORE-OSCOPES By: UNDERAGE B&

outfit.

BROETRY

Aries – One of your clients today will be an octopus. He may or may not ask for you to put on a schoolgirl

Taurus – A customer will run away without paying. It would be wise to sue for shoplifting.

Libra – Today will be an especially busy day, due to your extreme attractiveness. Scorpio – Midway through fucking a client, you will suddenly realize you left the toaster oven on.

Gemini – Your mom will ask again how you make enough money to pay not only your ity? bills, but hers too. You will once again tell her all about your great job as a masseuse. Cancer – You will get cancer from a radioactive client.

Sagittarius – If one of your customers is dressed like a horse, does it count as bestial-

Capricorn – Just because you charge $5000 for a blowjob doesn’t mean they’re WORTH that much.

Aquarius - A client will ask for you to Leo – Try not to make dress up as Officer eye contact with your Jenny, while he roleclient: he might just plays as Ash Ketchum. Sit back, challenge you to a bathold on, and don’t yell. tle mid-fuck. Virgo – Despite you not making any money, you still enjoy life as the 1 percent. It’s good to have a grandpa in time. the Pokemon business, isn’t it?

Pisces -You will be asked to have sex while skydiving, spelunking, and scuba diving, all at the same

EDITOR

PHILosophy

by: Professor Koala

The lesson today is that even when you’re absolutely sure of something, you may, in fact, be wrong. The lesson learner of this story? My mother and I. The time frame? When I was eleven. The villain? A grape flavored Flintstones vitamin and a glass of two percent. So I’m sitting on my couch, drinking my daily cup of milk (which I later learn is the reason I have to defecate before homeroom everyday in middle school), when my mom walks up to me and demands that I take my vitamins. I, in turn, just simply tell her to bring me any color of vitamin BUT purple. “Sorry Fei Lap (my name in Chinese), I already got you one and it’s purple so TOO BAD,” my mother cried at medium volume. “I’m going to throw up if you make me eat that,” I flatly promised her. “ Just eat it. You will be completely fine,” my mother counterpromised. So with no other options, I ate the vitamin. About three seconds and five chews later I vomited violently all over

our rug. The little granulated chunks of purple vitamin everpresent in the slightly off color milky stream shooting out of my mouth. The acidic beam sank into the rug as I struggled to catch my breath. My mother stared at me as she realized that her extra decades of wisdom had betrayed her. After four seconds of shock and awe she collected herself. “Next time, I’ll just belive you,” she lamented. She then proceeded to beat me with the bamboo duster on our way out of the school for puking all over the rug. Thus, my mother learned that no matter how sure she is about something, she may still be wrong; and I learned that even if something is not your fault, you will still be punished (beaten) for it.

CTOTW

Last Night I Dreamed of Biddies By Jack Preslutsky Last night I dreamed of biddies, there were biddies everywhere, they were laying on my stomach, they were letting me pull their hair, they were rubbing at my penis, they were giving me good head, they were shaking all their booties as they writhed upon my bed. They were on the chairs and tables, they were on the chandeliers, they were rustling in the bedsheets, they were moaning in my ears, there were biddies, biddies, biddies for as far as I could see... when I woke today, I noticed there were panties on top of me.

DOUBLESHOT

TRIPLESHOT

PRETENTION

Student of the week JENNA K. STERN

Major: Philosophy, Linguistics, German, Cognitive Science Minor: Pfft, minors? AGE: 21 Occupation: Peer Mentor, Philosopher, Park Ranger, Vineyard Worker, Future Farm Owner and Facilitator of the Birthing of Animals and Plants. Jenna Stern is the prime example of a student who is affected by a narcissistic personality disorder. However, that is not to say she shouldn’t be. Jenna is a quad major student here at Rutgers, and is set to graduate a semester early. Her GPA is 3.86 and the only times she gets less than an A in her classes is when she decides she wants to. Academically, Jenna views herself as a god amongst brainless heathen. Some of her favorite activities are knitting, saving animals from death, and philosophizing. She also partakes in the judgment of others, deeming certain people worthy of existence while making her feelings on people who are inferior very obvious: very obvious to the person, and to all of those around them. She also enjoys walking with her nose high in the air in

tandem with her other activities. Jenna also partakes in lifestyle choices to help prove her superiority to others. She sincerely believes that being vegetarian makes her better than the “meat-eating underlings”, or so she likes to call them. She also likes to make herself greater than other females by enduring a very tough dieting regimen to grow her breasts. This method of hers has allowed her to increase her breast size consistently every year for the last four years. As far as movies go, Jenna says she’s too good for them saying, “I’m too good for movies. Why revel in others’ works, when I can just create my own?” That last sentence describes Jenna’s entire being down to every last narcissistic molecule inside her body.

THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM <3333333333


the Medium

OP/ED

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

“Five minutes before she turns a corner, her tits turn first!”

FEATURED COMMENTARY

Rutgers Memes Ain’t Got Shit On Me!

COMMENTARY

RAs Suck Dick BY COLTON SMITHERS

BY THE MEDIUM Oh sure, that silly Facebook page is the talk of the freakin’ town! Nobody wants to read the dumb old Medium anymore! I’m all washed up and I’m just going to sit in the green bin in the DCC until I get recycled by one of the night janitors. Hell no! I’m still really fuckin’ awesome, and I’ll get past this! This new guy has been around for a week and people are leaving me off to the side, like I’m a copy of the Review! Jeez, I remember the days when I could be stacked in front of Brower and have hundreds of copies of me taken by students before the lunch rush was

over! They used to pour over me: reading my every word, snickering at the little jokes about Rutgers, McCormick, and Officer Sugarlumps. But, now: if I don’t get my point across in two seconds and it doesn’t include an awkward photo

everloving hell out of the page, fill it with ads for penis pills and “eat all you want and still lose weight” diet programs, but I won’t. I’m much better than that. I’m The Motherfucking Medium. I know that this new fad will end soon. The flash in the pan jokes “Remember how come and go, but I’ve around for decades! quickly the Red stuck Remember how quickly Red Bandanna Kid Bandanna Kid the became old? Now you became old?” can’t mention RBK without shuddering. Soon of a duck, I’m chopped enough, Rutgers Memes liver all of a sudden! will be old news and I’ll How is that fair? be here, sitting next to the But you know what, Targum racks, waiting I could be a dick about for you. this. I could spam the You’ll come back.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Aw, Crap, That Dude is Going to Ask Me For Money BY STEVEN SILLS

Oh god, that guy is staring at me; I shouldn’t make eye contact. He better not ask me for cash. If he does, I’m not giving him anything. I’m fucking sick and tired of people walking up to me like I’m some god-damn ATM for homeless people. What is it that makes people wanna ask ME for change, instead of everyone around me? Christ, he’s walking towards me. I knew it. What is it this time? He wants to buy a train ticket to get home and see his wife and sick child? I can’t beli- wait, what if he isn’t lying? What if he’s actually stuck here? I know I’d want some help if I was stuck on this god-awful campus. I... I guess a dollar won’t hurt.

I’m Totally Going to Ask That Dude For Change BY JOE THE HOBO

Hmm, I’m kinda itchin’ for some booze. Bet I can get some cash from that kid wearing those fancy headphones. Those guys always have cash. Hah, he’s starin’ at me. Bet he’s afraid I’m gonna ask him for cash for no reason. No matter, I just gotta tell ‘em some sob story about how I need to get home to see my precious family and would “oh so kindly” appreciate whatever he could spare. ...yup, worked like a charm. Seriously, some people are saps. I bet I could get rich this way if I didn’t like to drink so much.

When I came to college, I was expecting to be in charge of my own life. Then I found out that there is someone there without a life of his own who has nothing better to do than try to run mine. Of course, I am talking about my RA. On the first day, he seemed like such a nice guy. He told us about the buses and how to print stuff in the computer labs. He seemed like someone I’d totally party with. Then I found out what a fucking narc he was. All I wanted to do was celebrate my 18th birthday with some beer, liquor, and a few friends. He comes at 11:30, warning me that I have to be quieter! It wasn’t even quiet hours. Who cares if people have exams? They’re on College Ave; they know what to expect. Everyone parties all the time! They should go home to study or something! Midnight comes, and my friends sang happy birthday, like good friends would. He knocks again, and my asshole friend swings the door wide open with my pong table and beers all over. That’s not my fault! I wouldn’t have opened the door! Blame my asshole friend! I begged him to let me go because it was my birthday, but instead he

wrote up all my friends on the hall and me. That’s not even the worst part! He decided to call 911 for my girlfriend who had been passed out for the last hour or two since she had vomited. My girlfriend was only in the hospital overnight. No big deal. But then her parents came the next day and took her home! She said her parents are making her commute now. I’m so pissed! I was about to get to third base with her! If my RA hadn’t stuck his nose into my business, I could have been sticking my nose in her business, if you catch my drift. To think I took time on my birthday to clean vomit in the bathroom so we wouldn’t get in trouble, and then I still got in fucking trouble! RA’s are the scum of the earth. They have nothing better to do than ruin the college life. They act like they care, but they’re just on some type of power trip and they totally get off on bossing people around. Just get a life, you useless wastes of time! I can’t wait to get out of the dorms where there are no rules and I can play my music as loud as I want and drink and smoke all the time and there is NOBODY who could possibly knock on my door to question what I’m doing or to write me up.


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

ARTS

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WAR ON POTASSIUM

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Free Drawing Classes! Even if you fail at life... The Medium Meeting, BCC 120-A, 8PM!!!!!! TRY IT

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In case you forgot... themedium.arts@gmail.com !!!

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PERSONALS

the Medium

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

“Yeah I listen to Nickleback...to be ironic”

ANGER

SMELLY HUMANS

REXB DRAMA

LIL BIT RETURNS

To the group of obnoxious douches in Intro to Music History: we get it. You guys are sooooo close. There’s still no reason for you cackle like a fucking hyena in the middle of class till the professor glares at you. And, really? You’re going to brag about your AP scores. Srsly, it’s college. Nobody gives a flying fuck.

To the gargantuan abomination that somehow managed to squeeze thru that tiny crack we call a door, You are so fucking enormous that I don’t know how your physiological processes keep you alive on a daily basis. The fact the tires to this bus did not burst is a miracle. How anyone could be “okay” with you as their child makes me question the moral fibers of this society. You reek of dead cats and unwiped asshole. When animal control catches you and ships you back to Tanzania, go fuck an elephant. Maybe he’ll be the one and only to locate your oversized, blubberhidden, pus-secreting vagina.

To the Indian motherfucker that sat next to me, didn’t say shit and made the song skip on my iPod, you do that shit again, umma fuck your shit up. Guaranteed. You know who you are too, pointy ass nose, stupid ass look on your face, bio major. It’s not one of those “I’m gonna gouge your eyes out” or “run you over” personals threats, this is straight up. Do that shit again and umma knock your ass out of your Orgo class or whatever you take. Don’t let me catch your in my area again. Banchod ass motherfucker.

Greetings, and welcome to the left side of the personals. The Medium’s seasoned veteran Satanic Yoda has decided to pursue other interests (read as: finally graduating after 8 fucking years at Rutgers), and I will be taking over the page for now.

(Newsflash, everyone taking a class called “Intro to Music History” is a certified douche by virtue of the fact that you’re in the fucking class to begin with. If it’s wasting your parents’ hard-earned dime on b.s. college credits in silence you’re after, try the online section of Dance Appreciation next time you piece of shit.) Dear Roommate in Vorhees, Go puck yourDear Rutgers University self miss. You smell like Parking Gestapo: Eat a barrel of nigger- a three week old slab dicks, you smug pieces of of meat and refuse to shit. In fact, that goes for do laundry because you every single overzealous “have no quarters”, while meter maid and ticket I would pay you thounazi out there. You are sands to move the fuck the shit-sucking, cum- out and never return. gargling bottom-feeders of law enforcement, proudly representing what’s without a doubt the most hated profession in the world. Because not even fucking lawyers are wished painful death upon so universally. In conclusion: die in a fire.

LOVE AT THE BAR to the asian girl i helped friday morning, i work next thursday morning 830-1130, come visit. same place.

To the sexy kid that bought me an exotic shot called a “redWhy is it that everwhere headed slut” at Queen’s I turn there are shitty on Saturday night: drivers in NJ? Today I Even though all signs watched helplessly as pointed to blackout on some tool proceeded to my end, I just wanted get out of his car and you to know that I really scream at someone who had a great time getting “cut him off”...the person “sort of judged” by you was a jogger. Seriously? :) If I happened to give you my number (I’m (Each year, thousands suffer pretty sure I did) hit me from the epidemic known as up some time... I prom‘Roid Rage. With your help, ise I dont bite (unless thats what you’re into<3) we can find a cure today. ) Much love, Fellow Fleet Foxes fan

NON-ANGER

I would like to thank my friends for throwing me an awesome birthday party! it was well worth kicking me out of my own room for an hour and a half. and the penis cake was delicious (take that anyway you want) (We’ll just go ahead and take it the way you implied)

(Biggest pet peeve, when girls think they’re being fucking cute when in reality they look like drunk assholes. Never, in the history of humanity has a dude ever bought a girl a shot called a “red-headed slut” without having the intention of banging her brains out and never, under any circumstances, texting her again. Better luck next weekened.)

To quote the sage wisdom of 50 Cent: “Damn baby all I need is a lil bit A lil bit o’ dis, a lil bit o’ dat Get crackin’ in the club when you hear the shit Drop it like it’s hot when you workin’ that back.” See you next week. Lil Bit

CAVE PEOPLE

To the slightly neanderthalian, messenger bag toting, hep cat on busch: It is I, the girl who makes (Bio major with a pointy eye contact with you in nose and a stupid ass look a “I don’t know you at on his face, you’ve got about all yet I know you exist” 85% of the Rutgers popula- manner. You are unconattractive, tion running scared on that ventionally and I do not always stand one bro.) by convention. Here’s to I’m fucking sick and tired us, cheers. of being tightly packed onto buses. I swear to (Just what I want to fuckgod I think riots are more ing read about at 10p.m. orderly than the shit on a Monday night, two that goes on whenever awkwards trying to passive 50 more people try to agressively fuck each other. wedge themselves onto Here’s to growing a pair an already crowded bus. and making a move.) If I hear “move back” one To my fucking foreigner more time, I swear I will orgo teacher, do you litput those emergency es- erally have a rock for a cape windows to good brain? This class is too use. god damn hard man.

SCARF THEFT To the jerk who stole my scarf last week. Why would anyone steal a scarf? Christ, whatever happened to common decency? If you find something that obviously belongs to someone else, give that shit to the lost and found, don’t fucking take it. Where do you think we are? The slums of India, where you need to take every single thing you find? (The lost and found? Be right back guys, let me just go return this scummy ass scarf that I just stole to the universal lost and found. By the way if there was such a place, it would be on Busch campus where they stash all of the other irrelevant leftover trash.)

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PERSONALS

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

“Your job has been outsourced...to Wyoming”

GREEN ONION

BLUE POTATO

YELLOW APPLE

To the girl at the records hall computer lab that gave me a dirty look when I held the door open for you before I realized that you had already opened the other: fuck. you. you cranky bitch. I wasn't trying to insult or demean your womanliness by simply trying to express common courtesy. Next time I see you I'll be sure to ignore you completely and pretend you don't exist since you're obviously able to handle yourself without the generosity of a stranger that just so happens to be of the opposite sex. It's dumb bitches like you that set feminism back, twatrag. Also, for the record, you're ugly.

I can't stand it when people stand in front of the drinks at the dining halls and drink some. Then they fill it up again before deciding if they want to drink some more or sit down. For the love of all that is reasonable, just take more than one glass! It is quite possible, and don't be that person who has to glasses and still drinks in front of the machine. Other people are holding heavy trays and/or are waiting for you to move out of their way so they can get their drink and get on with their dining experience.

To all the Rutgers Memes users: if you can't make a proper meme, don't fuckin make one! It's asshats like you who ruined a damn good idea and made it suck. Next time Futurama Fry won't be sure if you're a pink dildo with a peanut brain or just a dumb-shit Rutgers Meme creator.

(It’s like how everyone at Moes Southwest Grill in North Brunswick stands in front of the new 1000 choice soda machine thinking about what they can (Unfortunately appre- get. It literally takes each ciation for good deeds is a person 10 minutes to decide thing of the past like actual whether they want orange music videos on MTV and coke or some other rediculand line phones) lous variation. The message we are trying to get across is You suck, you know who get your goddamn soda and you are you fucking prick get out of the fucking way

To the girl in the brimmed hat at Busch dining hall around 12 on Friday. I want to punch you in the face so fucking bad. Stop walking around bopping your head and pretending to have "swag". Trying that hard to be cool means you're definitely not. Go die.

the Medium SENATOR STOVE’S STATEMENT

Surprise! There is no candy! Welcome to the right page of the personals! Its going to be pretty much the same as the left side used to be, well, because I just moved the hell over one page. Ha! The look on your face when you thought there would be something new. You think you can do the page better? Come to our meetings Wednesday at 8PM in the Busch student center in room 120A. Continued under this blurb are some photos from a trip out to a strange place called the midwest. Truly an interesting place. Now for the usual message... SUBMIT SOME GODDAMN PERSONALS!!!

themedium.personals@gmail.com SCENES FROM THE MIDWEST

This Week at RUSA Special Guest: Anne M. Newman, Ph.D Director, Office of Student Conduct Dr. Newman is coming to RUSA to propose the New Cose of Student Conduct How to run for upcoming student government elections

It’s amazing what you see while driving across the middle of the country WELCOME TO DETROIT!

Thursday February 23, 2012 7:30 PM College Ave, SAC Raritan River Lounge

We are YOUR Student Government Come Voice Your Opinion!

Typical house in Detroit as seen cruising the local highway “The Lodge”. All kidding aside, Detroit was a pretty interesting place to explore.


THE BACK PAGE

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

“How do you spell alcohol? Is there an A in it?”

Oh Shit! It’s A Fuckin’ Maze! BY DR. K | Back Page Editor

You went to kindergarten. You know what to do.

Mini What’s

Shakin’

Today at 12:15 AM Ash Wednesday Mass @ D/B/L Campus Centers Public Service Announcement: This is a religious holiday. NOT an excuse for black people to not wear lotion. Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A Its just like the Ash Wednesday mass, except for a few more FBombs. Thursday, Feb 23 at 1:00 PM Time Management @ BCC Because clearly people with so much shit on their schedule that they’d need this class would want to add another engagement. Monday, Feb 27 at 3:00 PM Choosing a Major 101 @ RSC For the spineless and indecisive amongst us.

BY KCIG | Staff Writer

Wednesday, Feb 29 at 8:00 AM The idea for this mixture K-Pasa Weekend Begins @ My Soul was born simply because the Fun times ahead... two sodas were right next to each other at the soda fountain. Once I thought about it, the mixture of Orange Crush and Mountain Dew should be successful, seeing as they are both citrus-y. It would be like having a drink that consisted of a mixture of every single type of citrus flavor all mixed together.

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themedium.backpage @ gmail.com as people. Case in point: Lana Del Ray. Her music is actually really good. I love the synthetic strings she uses in her music. To me, they evoke a weird plateau beBY ALEX GOLDSTEIN tween David Lynch and TLC. The Core So what if she doesn’t have a People are quick to act in stage presence; dancing around, packs, to meld their minds into going nuts? Didn’t you all comone conscious being. Some- plain about boy band members times, this is a good thing, but in like Aaron Carter lip-synching regards to music, this pack men- to a dumb song about baskettality will always lead to bad ball? Give me a break. things. Always. I feel bad for Lana Del Ray, Each one of us is built from as she has to exist in this stupid a different genetic make-up, and world of “indie” music, which our ears will respond to differ- has become about as legitimate ent sounds: some of which are as the gossip section at K-Mart. pleasurable, and some of which Lana Del Ray doesn’t dance like are not. But we do not see music Lindsay Lohan in the “Rumors” to be this simple, especially as video, and we get angry? This is we live in a world that is defined bullshit. by an increasing social lock on 90.3 The Core what we define ourselves to be www.thecore.fm

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What I found was that the Orange Crush greatly overpowered the delicate flavor of the Mountain Dew. Orange Crush by itself is very thick and syrupy, and consequently weighs down your palette. Mountain Dew, on the other hand, is like a carbonated Gatorade; the flavor is not forceful, but instead is meant to be light and refreshing. When the two sodas are mixed together, none of the Mountain Dew comes through. You may as well just drink Orange Crush plain.

In the future, were I to mix these again, I might fill the glass with Mountain Dew and only add a splash of Orange Crush, so that the Mountain Dew will have a chance to shine through.

50% Orange Crush 50 % Mountain Dew

Campus Personality Match BY DR. K | Back Page Editor

Match the person with the campus that fits them the most.

Busch College Ave Cook Douglass Livingston


The Medium 2-22-12