2/19/14 Rutgers Medium

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Volume XLVII Issue II QUICKIES

February 19th, 2014

50¢

PUTIN OUTRAGED AT KANSAS FOR FAILURE TO PASS ANTI-GAY BILL

BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR

Church of Scientology Begins Mind Cruise Control Wife of Bath Leaves Husband for Shower Bipolar Student in Heated Debate with Self Ray Rice and Financee a Hit in Atlantic City Cook College Begins Lectures on Human Bestiality Putin Farts on Bob Costas' Pillow Raritan River Remarkably Cleaner after Ruptured Pipeline Tenured Professor Sponsors Orgy with Students Ryan Gosling Converts to Islam, Putting Geese on NoFly List Unhygeinic Lab Student Banished to Work in Hood

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin recently expressed his discontent towards Kansas and the state representatives there for allowing the recent gay discrimination bill to die out. “While I do not care much for the United States of America and their affairs, when I heard about Kansas bringing up this legislation, I almost cracked a grin—almost,” said Putin. “But then when I heard it was voted down, I had to take my frustration out on a random polar bear and I love polar bears. That’s how pissed off I was.” Russia has been under greater scrutiny ever since the Winter Olympics began in Sochi earlier this month for their antigay laws. The Kansas bill would have allowed private businesses

"DON'T KEEP PUTIN ME ON" President Putin expresses his opinion and hides is shame boner.

to refuse to serve gay patrons and was popularly dubbed “gay away.” Kansas officials have stated that the reason why they de-

MAYBE I'LL GO TO ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS

cided to vote against the legislation was because they thought it was more appropriate now for the state to focus on the discrimContinued on Page 2

Targum Staff too Turned on by New EIC to Publish BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – The Daily Targum was unable to publish Thursday and Friday of last week because of the hormones of their male staff writers. Their new EIC has been at the center of this controversy. “I didn’t expect to be so hard during our pitch meeting” said staff writer David Everhart in regard to the hotness of the new EIC, “I was afraid that everyone could see, I tried to rub one out in the bathroom, but there were already guys in all the stalls and spending a lot of time at the urinals.” Everhart had to excuse himself from the meeting and deal with his frustration, solo. “I really went to town, backhand, the whole nine yards, or more like six and a half inches!” The Targum has had a sexy

EIC before, Chase Brush being it, but never had they had a problem like this. All the men and some women have been completely distracted. The cause of the staff’s sexual frustration has been caused from their many

Feeding the Homeless SInce 1970

“fuck-ups” reports nj.com. “They literally have no sex,” says the New Jersey-based website. “They all just spend all their time trying to achieve greatness and then get kicked down by rogue editors in the Huffington Post.” Continued on Page 2


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