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February 19th, 2014




Church of Scientology Begins Mind Cruise Control Wife of Bath Leaves Husband for Shower Bipolar Student in Heated Debate with Self Ray Rice and Financee a Hit in Atlantic City Cook College Begins Lectures on Human Bestiality Putin Farts on Bob Costas' Pillow Raritan River Remarkably Cleaner after Ruptured Pipeline Tenured Professor Sponsors Orgy with Students Ryan Gosling Converts to Islam, Putting Geese on NoFly List Unhygeinic Lab Student Banished to Work in Hood

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin recently expressed his discontent towards Kansas and the state representatives there for allowing the recent gay discrimination bill to die out. “While I do not care much for the United States of America and their affairs, when I heard about Kansas bringing up this legislation, I almost cracked a grin—almost,” said Putin. “But then when I heard it was voted down, I had to take my frustration out on a random polar bear and I love polar bears. That’s how pissed off I was.” Russia has been under greater scrutiny ever since the Winter Olympics began in Sochi earlier this month for their antigay laws. The Kansas bill would have allowed private businesses

"DON'T KEEP PUTIN ME ON" President Putin expresses his opinion and hides is shame boner.

to refuse to serve gay patrons and was popularly dubbed “gay away.” Kansas officials have stated that the reason why they de-


cided to vote against the legislation was because they thought it was more appropriate now for the state to focus on the discrimContinued on Page 2

Targum Staff too Turned on by New EIC to Publish BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – The Daily Targum was unable to publish Thursday and Friday of last week because of the hormones of their male staff writers. Their new EIC has been at the center of this controversy. “I didn’t expect to be so hard during our pitch meeting” said staff writer David Everhart in regard to the hotness of the new EIC, “I was afraid that everyone could see, I tried to rub one out in the bathroom, but there were already guys in all the stalls and spending a lot of time at the urinals.” Everhart had to excuse himself from the meeting and deal with his frustration, solo. “I really went to town, backhand, the whole nine yards, or more like six and a half inches!” The Targum has had a sexy

EIC before, Chase Brush being it, but never had they had a problem like this. All the men and some women have been completely distracted. The cause of the staff’s sexual frustration has been caused from their many

Feeding the Homeless SInce 1970

“fuck-ups” reports “They literally have no sex,” says the New Jersey-based website. “They all just spend all their time trying to achieve greatness and then get kicked down by rogue editors in the Huffington Post.” Continued on Page 2

the Medium


Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

"Is this a pornograph? Yup."


Happy Hour Admits to Years of Depression


NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – While normally being regarded as a time of joyful release for many middle-class workers, Happy Hour admits that he has been suffering from a major depressive disorder for several decades. The afternoon time period, whose discount alcoholic beverages allow many to decompress after a hard day of soul-crushing work, confessed that his happiness was all a façade that he hid under stale beer and cheap rum and Coke. “I’ve felt this way for a long time,” Happy Hour confessed. “It’s been kept under control with Prozac, but the doctors revoked my prescription. Apparently, it’s frowned upon to mix medication with alcohol and then sell it to undergraduates for a profit.” More details emerged from Happy Hour’s depression, as his friends and family came forward to talk about his change in behavior. Since the loss of

his medication, Happy Hour has begun drinking at 10 in the morning and is currently spending the majority of his time at World of Beer on George Street. He can be found telling many of the younger attendees about his glory days. “I was the star of Cheers! People lined up to be with me and have greatest times of their pathetic weeks! Now twenty years and 65 pounds later, I’m just a sad sack of shit like the rest of you, drowning my regrets in Keystone.” Many social drinkers have expressed their discomfort with Happy Hour’s reversal of tone. “Yeah, that weird guy was hitting on my girlfriend just a few minutes ago, but he just kept starting at her boobs while slurring out shallow complements. Then he started crying when he said she looked like his third wife.” At press time, Happy Hour is currently standing in a pool of his own vomit and diarrhea on the New Brunswick Train Station platform looking hopelessly down the tracks.


Student Demands More From Rutgers Classes BY ANIME HAIR


PISCATAWAY, NJ – Clive Ervington, Rutgers sophomore and contributor to The Daily Targum, found that he was in a dilemma; none of the classes that he chose met his academic need. “It’s very important to me that I get the most out of my experience here at Rutgers,” Ervington reports, “and quite frankly, the classes are all pretty lacking.” The student complains, for instance, about the times of his classes. According to Clive, “I really don’t like when the classes are too early in the morning—or any time in the morning, really. Or late at night. I need time to relax.” There is support for Ervington’s view; studies have shown that

students usually are more alert during the afternoons, so it only makes sense to cram every single class available in a five-hour block all at once. However, Ervington wasn’t finished. He had many more changes to recommend. “I also feel that in some cases, or well, all of them, the classes go a little too quickly for the student to grasp. This makes the tests really hard when I don’t study. Why can’t the professors all give review sheets and go over everything before the exams? I mean…I barely have time to party every weekend at this point.”Among other recommendations by the rising sophomore were “nicer classmates” and “comfier seats,” and “hotter teachers.”


New Gibbons Overrun by Wild Gibbons

"I SHOULD CHOOSE HOW HARD I WORK" Ervington finds it hard to pay attention to flat-chested teachers.


"OH GOD ONE OF THEM IS EATING MY FACE" The University's most hated residence hall is thankfully overrun by several ravenous Gibbons monkeys. Emergency medical teams took their time to ensure that the monkeys had plenty of time to maul those pretentious art students. Holy shit, is that Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top? Yeah, it is!

Editorial Staff Spring 2014

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Stewart Hallman Devin Baker

Yagnesh Patel Fratypus

...continued from front

That image has been combated by writing wantonly about overt sexuality. Critics say that these opinion pieces make The Daily Targum sound like "Cosmo" without a certain air hard hitting journalism. “I wish I could get my staff together,” said Meier, “Everytime I walk into the room most of my writers and editor leave for the night. I wonder why.” Meier has been all business since she took over the position, but beside that, she has lost most of her staff to carpal tunnel. A good issue of The Daily Targum is hopefully forthcoming. News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian

...continued from front

ination of minorities rather than homosexuals. Putin planned on congratulating Kansas Governor Sam Brownback for the passage of the bill but because it died out, Putin will travel to the state to stand up for this bill and show his support. Some members in the Kansas Senate have expressed interest in forming laws that would take prejudice to the next level. “One day down the line we will be able to discriminate against anyone who isn’t a white male land-owning Protestant in the state of Kansas,” continued Kansas Senate Majority Leader Terry Bruce. “That is the true American dream. Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Canadians

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Stan the LX bus driver. I know it's been a long time, but screw it, I NEEDS HIM!


Wednesday, February 19th, 2014


Caption Contest! New semester, new page, same contest! The rules are simple- submit your caption to: themedium.features@ for a chance to be fatured (get it?) in next week’s issue. If you come to our Wednesday meeting the following week in room 120B at the BCC you might even win a prize. Who knows?




the Medium


Happy Black Histroy Month! BY HIPSTER J TOO HIP, TWO HANDLES

Ahh... It is that time of year the again. The good cheers, cookies and milk by the fireplace, prostitutes in Santa suits, reindeer bells ringing through the night, children trafficked to the North Pole to help Santa with his toy factory and to fulfill his sexual needs, the noisy and horrible sounding carolers, the mistletoe hanged where the oral areas of humans collide to produce sexual hormones that stimulate them to move their relationship to a higher level, the Great Wall of China decorated with colorful lights, the Mongolians subsequently tearing them all down, jolly good Santa giving out gifts, visiting church to actually remember the birth of Christ, black prostitutes selling themselves half price off, annoying children sitting on Santa’s lap wanting impossible gifts, the wholesome Christmas dinner, turkey stuffed with elephant meat and wasabi sauce, Ryan Gosling converting to Islam, some kids finally realizing and crying over Santa being a fictional character, the warm company of loved ones, and not forgetting the fir tree from the Taiga Biome of planet Earth (now commonly replaced by fakes) decorated with balls and a star on top. Ahh... It is that time of the year again. Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright.



What’s up with all this snow? Every single Rutgers campus is smothered by what seems like a million pounds of white bullshit that contribute nothing but misery and devastation to the lives of all Rutgers students through its passive-agressive existence. Allow me to elaborate: 1) It reflects the sun, making walking down any even moderately open area of campus a nearly impossible feat of endurance as your eyes feel like they are literally being burned out of their sockets. 2) Ever tried pulling out of any Rutgers parking lot with a mountain of yellowish brown snow on either side of you? God help you if there’s another car coming. 3) It makes navigating through campuses feel like trekking through a maze. Walking to the Student Center normally takes you 30 seconds? Try 30 minutes as you attempt to figure out which drug the Rutgers plows were on while making the paths that lead to nowhere, spiral and weave around where a straight line would have done just fine, and seemingly dissapear and change behind you, which you realize once you decide to forgo the Student Center and attempt to make your way back to your dorm as you’ve begun to lose feeling in both your feet. 4) It’s a dick on the way out too. Of course it can’t leave without making life even more difficult for anyone who has any life outside of their place of residence. If you’ve taken at least one Chemistry course in your life, you should know that snow, when melted, turns into water, which turns surrounding snow into disgusting piles of slushy nonsense, and then turns itself into ice—or if feeling particularly malicious—invisible patches of black hell, just waiting for some poor unsuspecting student running late to class to forget to scrutinize the ground as he’s rushing to catch a bus that decided to show up three minutes early. 5) Don’t even get me started on the amount of time it takes to excavate your car from the clutches of this white monster. Snow is simply evil. Those cute little snowflakes that peacefully spiral down outside your window, illuminated by the bright lights of street lamps are nothing more than assholes. Every single one of their unique sparkly asses is a dick. 0/5 stars.

WANT TO BE FAMOUS??? Submit shit. it works- I promise.



Oooooh it’s that time of year again, where snow is on the ground and the wind’s just nippin’ at your nose all nip, nip, nip. So why don’t you come on down to Brower Dining Hall and warm those bones up on some of our pipin’ dinner edibles. What’s that? You don’t got time to sit down and eat? Why, everybody’s in a rush these days, but Mama Brower understands. You youngun’s just don’t got time for all that what with all your hip-hops and higher learnin’s. Well, that’s alright, because even busy bees have to eat too, so why don’t you swing by and grab your self some tasty, tasty take-out to put somethin’ delicious in your stomach. Tonight’s Italian night, where we take the taste of the beautiful boot-shaped country and make it taste like a boot. For appetizers, try some of our garden-fresh salad, guaranteed to be soggy and wilted by the time you open your little carton of love. Our entrée is overcooked pasta slathered in a menagerie of sauces we found in the back of the pantry. I recommend the green one because we can’t tell if it’s moldy or not, so it must be safe. And if you’re still hungry, don’t worry! We made sure to pack you a satsifying desert to top off your delectable meal: three crumbled Oreo cookies. How scrumptious! If you’re feeling really adventurous, you could even take those crumbles and pour them all over your mush to give it that sweet Italian crunch. And I promise you’ll feel fine for at least five minutes after finishing this delightful meal. Your digestive system ain’t that fast.

the Medium

OPINIONS “Your name is Elias?”


Please Use the Straw Hole


I Live by the Snakes and I Die by the Snakes


Everyday, all I ever ask you for you to do is just use the straw hole. So this time just please, please, I’m begging you, use the straw hole. Why do you have to tear me up and abuse me? What did I ever do to you? All I wanted was for us to be happy. Oh god no! Stop! You’re hurting me! There is no reason for you to do this to me. If you just listened to me for once I’d let you get what you want, but you just make this harder for the both of us. STOP! I should have listened and never went with you! Quit doing that, just please use the straw hole! Please! Why do you never listen? I swear I’m going to leave you the night after! And this time I’m not lying! I’m going

Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

to take whatever is mine and leave! Stop saying sorry, you keep saying it but you never mean it! I’m done with you! You hurt me too much, and I’m done with you. I don’t love you anymore and I know you never loved me so don’t say those three words anymore! I don’t need this, no one needs you! I hate you! So just stop it, I’m not letting you do this to me. Never again! I hope no one has to deal with you like I do! I mean it! I don’t want to ever see you again. You can threaten to throw me out all you want, but at this rate even that’s better! I don’t need you anymore! And you can be sure you’ll never see my citrusy, pulpless, golden contents anymore.


I am dead, but I have no regrets. I am still one of the good guys because I let a snake bite me without requesting for help. I thought it wasn’t a big deal because I have previously survived a snakebite that cost my middle finger and took away my magical ability to swear when God is not looking. I was so determined that last time I lived through the

BY JAMIE COOTS incident without medical treatment. And, well, this time I was just as resolute on Saturday-- I was bitten by a venomous snake and unfortunately died. I was, and still am, a noble pastor with many of my faithful congregants following my footsteps. It is my belief that snake-handling is a commandment from God and a viper’s bite is God’s will. And for so long, I have been preaching about the sacredness of snakes from generation to generation. I cannot

express how grateful I am now that I am dead. More importantly, my decision to not to get my porous wound tendered shows how much I revered the docile reptile. I lived by the snakes and died by the snakes. I’m very happy that I’m dead, perhaps God will give me a new flock up there and… oh even a new middle finger so I can flip God off when He’s not looking at me. Oh, that’s my name, good Lord really wants to call me home. I gotta go I will see y’all in heaven!

Even God Can’t Fix Stupid, Hisss! BY A SNAKE

to religious belief. I mean, as a snake, I have to applaud whatever Hisssss! I guess it’s faith you have in this sick quite obvious that good world but why the fuck Lord works in pretty would you mess with us? obvious ways, huh? We are snakes and we bite. I mean take a look at This is what we do. I’m where you’re standing pretty sure somewhere on the food chain cycle. in the Bible it says to not I guess somewhere a to test the Lord instead village needs an idiot. of advocating snakeAfter being bitten by me, handling. Well, it seems you, Jamie Coots, refused to me that the Lord has medical treatments due judged your stupidity-- a

very Darwinian demise, indeed. I wish more “believers” like you, Jamie, would handle us snakes in this laughable fashion and hasten their ways to the so called “heaven”. Jamie Coots, you lived by the snakes and died by the snakes. And this is the reason why I am still alive and you’re dead! Well, that’s one sure cure for stupidity. Hisssss!!! Hisssss!!!


Get Ahead By Giving Head BY EATON JEJEZ AND

METHUSELAH HONEYSUCKLE Free media and journalism is a great thing. It allows important topics to be discussed. Even subjects once considered taboo can finally be placed on the table, such as The Daily Targum’s recent column on oral sex by its freshman copy editor. Since the Targum strives to create conversation about important issues on campus, we feel it is time to respond to the topic at hand (and in mouth) on behalf of the men of the university—and of the world. The ball is now in our court. First of all, we men agree with female opinion that oral sex should be well-researched. Ladies,

we’re not talking about asking your girlfriends, because they probably suck too. The same goes for consulting women’s interest magazines with those articles entitled, “18 Spots to Touch Him”. It’s all mostly speculative. Did you ever stop to think of asking your boyfriend what he wants? Believe it or not, men have desires as well. It’ll work out better for everyone, and you only have a mutual sensation of satisfaction gain. Something for your shopping list should be throat-numbing lozenges. Those could cum in handy unless you’re among the third of adults without gag

reflexes. Whichever way you go, get your boyfriend as far back in your mouth as possible. Unhinge your jaw if you need, just to make him feel big. He’s your boyfriend and he opens wide to slurp from your clam. But don’t get cocky and just shove it in. Use your nice lips to apply pressure on your way back to the tip. Also, it’s important to never neglect the testicles. There’s this thing—it’s called my nutsack, but you may address it as “Sergio”. Perhaps you’ve been acquainted. If not, go ahead, reach down and— gently now—shake with him. He lives just south of Dick. Feel around while you’re following the advice above. Moreover, scrotum fondling and

tugging are most likely appreciated. Of course, we cannot speak on behalf of all men, but we feel we’re really nailing this one on its head; so yes, we can. You don’t have to keep to hands, though. Licking and inhaling Sergio works, too. Especially when you use that handydandy Fleshlight that you bought for your boyfriend. Better yet, don’t buy a Fleshlight for him because you’d have provided your functional replacement. Retain your utility to him by rubbing his penis a bit. (Are we even allowed to write that word in such an estimable publication?) And ladies, for the love of all that is good, please swallow. It’s not a difficult task. Men who

give head must endure an (arguably) unpleasant taste the entire time. It’s part of the job. For the women, it’s merely at the end. Yes, it’s avoidable, but that practically invalidates what was a seemingly selfless act of gratification. It’s the sexual equivalent of writing a $10,000 check without signing it: worthless, and a waste of everyone’s time. And above all: practice, practice, practice. In the end, you’ll see it’s not so terribly hard. A copy of Ms. Garganzola’s Pubic Service Announcement should arrive in her parents’ mailbox sometime in the next few days. Mommy may be upset you took her wanky wand.


Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

the Medium

“How much tequila you got in your purse?”


ELSA, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT - PROFESSOR XXX Kinky Eskimo by Lemongrass Gogoloab Wednesday, December 11, 2013

6:42 PM

Olympic History Month by Trending Ontwitter Tuesday, February 11, 2014



December Page 1

Genocide Jain Harjit Singh

Ultra-pacifist monk had a cold. Took an antibiotic. Found guilty of genocide!


The Magic Conch by Jamaican Inspector Man


Monday, December 30, 2013

11:52 AM


the Medium Animals To my practicum teacher, thanks for reminding me of how much of a failure I am. (I’m sure they won’t be the last to do so)

MEDIUM BEEF To the Managing Editor, Ya ain’t neva gettin’ ya Dunkaroos!!!! From, “Emily” (I’m sure he’ll dunk your roos eventually) Why did the news editor cut his hair? I’m so sad about it.

Forever Alone The one thing I love about Valentine’s day is that the chocolate is so cheap the next day! Being single ain’t so bad. (Neither is being fat, apperantly.) I tried to take that Targum article’s advice regarding paying attention to the clitoris and whatnot. Her instructions weren’t clear enough, now I don’t have a penis anymore. (Honestly I doubt your girl will miss it) Valentine’s day was great for me. Me and my girl kinda just chilled all day in her room. The only drawback was that eventually she closed her blinds and I couldn’t see her for a while. But she left her house so then we took a nice romantic walk about 15 feet apart.

Wednesday, Feburary 19th, 2014

“If you post yaoi one more time you’re fired.”



An unidentified man was found dead on the Rutgers golf course, located on Busch campus. The police reported that he was a victim of an apparent homicide since he had a spoon jammed down his throat. He also had a banana shoved up his ass. Police believe it was the work of a cereal killer.

Wow. The Medium is ass now...the fuck are you guys doing with your lives?

BUS What if instead of plastic water bottles rolling around on buses, there were baby corgis rolling around on buses? Think of how quickly people would run to pick them up! (Please give me what you’re smoking) I sat across from this guy on the REXL today. He kind of looked like a Lebanese Peter Pan or someone like that. He was pretty cute IMO. Everytime I think I know weekend buses, I don’t.

OLYMPICS Does anyone even care about the Olympic events? What about what’s going on with the gay people? (Who cares about gays WE BEAT RUSSIA ON THE ICE!!!!) I always like imagining all those Olympic athletes fucking each other in the village...mmmm think of all those perfect Aryan babies being made. (The Olympics has long been outted as a breeding program)


(We’re all fucking your mother. Simultaniously.) What the fuck is going on with this snow? Is an asshole raining flakes from the sky? Did we anger some foreign god? Seriously I don’t even care. I will sacrifice a goat at this point for all this snow to fuck off so I can walk to class like a human. (Personally I blame Allah)

WEEKLY REPORT Well second week in and I can see why the previous guy left.

Here I was, able to stumble in every week with a hangover from whiskey and blow and type up some bullshit in news or whatever. Now I actually have to work. Damn. Being an adult sucks. Y’all should help me out here. SO MUCH EMPTY SPACE A COPY EDITOR IS INSERTING FILLER! Send your personals to:

I kinda think Livingston sucks. IDK. (Strong words)

HIGH TIMES When I lie in my bed I like to imagine that I’m in a coma and my family is visiting me. I hate it when I’m driving the minivan and and cars ruin my downhill coasting mojo. Sorry I used your Tide Pods without asking! It looked really cool and pretty and they smelled nice and it was squishy and...yeah. Sometimes I just can’t help but stare at fat people’s butts. They’re just so fascinating and hypnotically jiggly. (All were sent by the same person bless his heart)

RANT So I was walking down the street like a normal person minding my own business and this fucking bitch just blows smoke right in my face like ???? I hope you get cancer I really do you selfing little cunt was it really worth it to smoke that cigarette in the freezing cold I bet your tits will freeze off you’re so ugly anyway. It won’t even matter because no one will ever sleep with you. STOP SMOKING.

MISSED CONNECTIONS W4H, Cook You were long legged, a long, silky mane of hair. I’m pretty sure you were a chestnut thoroughbred but I only took like one Animal Science class so I can’t be sure. We shared a deep, meaningful look across the field. W4M, Busch The first time I saw your goatee, pony tail and fedora, I was hooked. As an educated, Classy woman myself, I have always wanted the perfect gentleman to discuss why atheism is the best and Christians are a plague on America. And I hope you like masturbating to My Little Pony, ‘cause I sure do! M4W, College Ave. Saw you slip onto your ass. I’d be willin to slip you something else ;) T4T, Douglass I could not help but notice xe looking at zee from across the room. Your friend even giggled and covered au’s mouth. Zime sure that au and xie would be happy to with me and my friend (pronouns: platypus/platyper) M4M, Cook You were an ice cream man. I think. I was pretty drunk. But yeah I was hitting on you instead of attending a pretty important meeting. W4W, Livingston Please you are like the only other lesbian not on Douglass. I’m desperate at this point please. M4W, New Brunswick I was on the EE asking for change. You gave me a whole dollar. A DOLLAR. I got so many heroin for that. I’d love to meet up for coffe or something if you’d want.

Wednesday, February 19th, 2014


“All I want in life is a Human Centipede Birthday Cake. That’s all I want, please!”

the Medium



CLASSIFIEDS Seeking cultured student companion to help an elderly woman log into her Rutgers account. Net ID is margep4 and password is grandcanyon12345. Pays $15 per hour. Please come to the Mabel Smith Libary on Douglass Campus as soon as possible.





*****CASTING ALERT***** Hot, attractive blonde female needed for “rape scene” in fraternity sponsored “movie.” Must be comfortable with nudity on camera. Send headshots to

February 19th, 2014 @MediumSports SCHIA-NO THANK YOU

KYLE FLOOD POSTS CRAIGSLIST AD FOR HEAD RECRUITER Desperation is in the air in New Brunswick, desperation and Fat Filipinos.

whomever claims the job. The Medium was able to catch up with Flood for a quick interview. The New York native bluntly stated the new head recruiter will have his work cut out for him. “If those twelve pussies decommitted from our team after an average year with a bowl game, an exciting upgrade of conferences, and no NCAA sanctions, I cannot even imagine what will happen next year if we suck in the Big Ten. Forget returning to mediocrity, Rutgers football might be heading back to the dumpster it just crawled out of.”


ISCATAWAY, NJ- With 5 fourP star commits, Rutgers recruiting class of 2018 was set to be one of the best in school history. Hopes of having a Big Ten contender seemed plausible; amazing, given how bad the program was only a few years ago. But with a historically awful offseason involving twelve decommitments, Rutgers recruiting class has gone from the third best in the entire Big Ten to the third worst in the conference and 54th overall nationally. The man most responsible for recruiting, head coach Kyle Flood, has taken to Craigslist to search for a new head recruiter for the program. In the ad, Flood acknowledged that he sucks “at this shit.” He then added “FUCK ME” before promising “3 fucking cents per year” for wages to

CRAIGSLIST KILLER Coach Flood's original Craiglist ad is shown above. He has only received emails from businessmen looking for anonymous handjobs.


Olympic Update: US Wins Thirty Metals BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR

SOCHI, RUSSIA— Through the second week of the 2014 Olympics, the United States leads all countries with 30 metals. America is currently leading the metal count with over eight tons of iron, four tons of nickel and twenty kilograms of the lanthanide ytterbium. The country swept the podium in the Games’ inaugural freestyle skiing event earning over four tons of tin. “That’s what we do it for,” said freestyle skiing champion Joss Christensen. “This is for the people back home and the amount of cans they can create with that metal.” A young United States

hockey team are hoping to redeem their 2012 overtime finals loss to Canada. They recently defeated Russia in an eight-round shootout, winning tungsten from their opponents’ local mines in Chechnya. Six ounces of the precious metal palladium will go to the champion this year. “You come to the Olympics for the metals, period,” said team captain Zach Parise. “Plus, I wouldn’t mind waking up to palladium on my shelf every day, with its 18 valence electrons and face-centered cubic crystal structure.” As of press time, Russia was in second place with 25 metals and Kazakhstan is in third place with over twentythree thousand tons of potassium.



MIAMI HEAT 1) Don’t shower the week before the game. The accumulated filth and bodily odor will shun away defenders. 2) Shane Battier needs to dominate the opponent in the flopping category. 3) Bribe the officials to play eight on five. 4) Chris “Birdman” Ander sen’s colorful tattoos and well-groomed mohawk are just more reasons to hate the



1) Don’t forget to give the rim a thunderous dunk every once a while. 2) Kevin Durant is too skinny. He needs to eat, not to play. 3) Derek Fisher has to be sly when stealing Dwyane Wade and Lebron James’ championship rings if he wants to reach 10 faster. 4) Big men need be physical. They have unlimited hard fouls to give.

2/19/14 Rutgers Medium