Wednesday, February 12th, 2020 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
the Medium
FEATURES “Someone please have sex with me...please.”
MOVE OVER, DUNCAN
Animated Goth Girls I Want to be My Valentine By: xXVegetaFan69Xx
STEP OVER THE WHITE LINE OF MY HEART
How to Get that Cute Boy on the Bus to Like You By Harry Nuttsaac
1. Walk casually up to him: we know this can be a little tricky since these bus drivers like to smash that fucking brake 2. Wait a couple of minutes: don’t make it seem like you meant to walk to him, so stand back a little bit too 3. Bring up something everyone experiences: talk about how the weather made it really hard to catch the bus, or some dumb shit like that. 4. Keep the conversation going: even after he asks you to get back behind the white line, be persistent 5. Ask him which stop is his: if you time it right, you can make it seem casual 6. Run with his answer: when he says “What the fuck is your problem? I’m drivin’ this bitch,” be casual, say something plain like “same”
The older I get, the more I realize that 3D women are for the birds. This Valentine’s day I’ve decided to say to heck with them, and compile a list of my favorite moody hunnies from the wonderful world of animation. Not only are these girls much more attractive than real women; they also can’t reject me on account of the fact that I can’t ask them out since they don’t exist. 1. Gwen (Total Drama Island) 2. Raven (Teen Titans) 3. Sam (Danny Phantom) 4. Mai (Avatar the Last Airbender) 5. Jinx (Teen Titans) 6. Raven (Teen Titans Go) 7. Rogue (Sonic the Hedgehog) 8. Yumi (Code Lyoko) 9. Nikki (6teen) 10. Blackfire (Teen Titans)
LOOKING FOR ROMANCE? WE CAN’T HELP YOU THERE, UGLY, BUT COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LSC IN THE BOARD ROOM FOR SOME COMPANY!
7. Follow him: when he parks the bus and gets off with his cooler, keep the conversation going and keep up with him 8. Avoid RUPD: when your bus-driver-boyfriend-to-be waves the pigs over, make a mad dash for it (look back to see if he’s checking out your ass) 9. Hide in a bathroom: since I’ve never seen a female RUPD officer, it’s safe to say you’ll lose them 10: Sneak right back on his bus: when the coast is clear, jump back on hubby’s bus and ride it ‘til dawn ;) YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT
How to Enjoy Being Single on Valentine’s Day By Icky Vicky
Let’s paint a picture: you’re single and Valentine’s day is a few days away. With romance polluting the air, this isw the reality for many of us. People forget the conscientious objectors who prefer to remain free spirits, unfettered by the shackles of socially constructed monogamous decorum perpetuated by V-day. This government sanctioned expression of a very specific kind of neutered romantic/sexual expression doesn’t begin to cover the ways single dorks can wet the whistle of their hearts and their numerous, penetrable orifices. Need to get out of the way the dopamine hit our monkey brains crave? One option is to go out and join an orgy. Why spend the night shackled to one date when a writhing pile of flesh and moans is just waiting for you to stick an appendage in. Is sex not on your mind? (Fucking liar.) Are you also sick of the numerous invites to parties “Single Parties” trying to drown out the loneliness? Instead of holding these parties, just hang out with your friends. You’ve watched enough Disney movies and anime to know the power of friendship. Let’s take a moment to embrace the solitude.
