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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 12th, 2020
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ SNEAKY PETE
MAYOR PETE RECEIVED RESULT THROUGH PSYCHIC ABILITY ICKY VICKY AND STICKY TOO
New HampshirePete Buttigieg had the misfortune of drawing the evil eye of Twitter towards, what he calls, his “innocuous” victory in Iowa. His late night tweet was brigaded by Bernie Sanders supporters claiming that Sanders had a clear lead based on the internal data they collected. Buttigieg had drawn additional fire towards his statement when it was revealed that his team has ties to the company running the malfunctioning app used for the caucuses, turning the situation from a California wildfire to the Australian bushfire. In a surprising twist, Buttigieg and his team held a press event a day before the New Hampshire primary, where the presidential candidate explained how he came to learn of the results.
According to Buttigieg, he has an innate ability known as extrasensory perception (ESP), which he started exploring earlier this year. Using the power of astrology, numerology, and the weekly Medium psychic forecast, the young gay military vet former
mayor added another moniker to his ever expanding list of relatability attributes—full blown psychic. After the self-reported “successful reading,” Buttigieg hopes to use his newly tested powers for the New Hampshire Continued on Page 2
DON'T MAKE ME DEEPFAKE YOU ANALESE
LOCAL ENTREPRENEUR UNVEILS “CHADDER" WORLD’S FIRST INCEL DATING APP MANUEL C. HODE ALMOST TOO VEINY
New Brunswick- Why the fuck won’t you answer my texts, ANALESE. Why must you degrade and debase yourself for those bad little BOYS, as opposed to good honest MEN like myself? Why must you punish me like this? Analese, I am but a languished, starved beggar, one who has spent 32 long years deprived, utterly famished of the simple creature comforts of cock and ball torture. Why must you deny acquiescing before my sublime hunger? Why must my impassioned, paragraphslong text diatribes be met with mere “lol”s, “mmhmm”s, or “haha”s at best? Fortunately, fellow Nice Guys™ like me will no longer
have to reach for the SUV keys or bolt-action hunting rifle in Daddy’s garage. Instead, they can reach for their smartphones and debit cards to release misogynistic hatred over the digital neural network hyperspace with Chadder, a new local startup making quite the hubbub.
Free to download on the App Store, Chadder is the world’s first involutarily celibate dating app! The process to join is simple: all you need for a Chadder account is your email address, Facebook, a photo of your Social Security Card, and a fully erect photographic Continued on Page 2
Touchin', Lovin', Squeezin' Since 1970
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