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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com

Volume XLVI Issue XII

December 11th, 2013

50¢

A-CAR-THEID

FUTURE OF ‘FAST AND FURIOUS’ MOVIES IN DOUBT FOLLOWING NELSON MANDELA’S DEATH BY JUST THE TIP PERSONALS EDITOR

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – Producers from Universal Studios have yet to comment on whether or not they will continue “The Fast and the Furious” series following the death of former South African President Nelson Mandela. With a seventh movie currently on hiatus following the 95-yearold’s death, the franchise has become Universal Studios’ biggest of all time, grossing over twobillion dollars. “Nelson meant a lot to us,” said Universal Studios’ President and COO Ronald Meyer. “He was not only a friend and a part of our family at Universal, but a prisoner for over 27 years.” Mandela earned the 1993 "THE FAST AND THE FABULOUS" Nobel Peace Prize for his work Mandela races his Freedom Moblie all the way to the Pearly Gates. He will be missed for his philanthropy and to abolish apartheid policies in stellar acting career. South Africa and established the the third installment of the se- much from our films, but Nelcountry’s first multi-racial elec- ries, 2006’s Tokyo Drift. son was able to make them one Continued on Page 2 tions, but he did not appear in “The studio never expected of the greatest series’ in recent

I GOT SAND ALL UP IN THERE

University Provides Sandy Report

As Seen on TV SInce 1970

QUICKIES

Big Chill Collects Sex Toys For Needy Single Mothers Rebecca Black New Single "Saturday" Outsells Childish Gambino Album Indian Pornstars Give Rutgers Men Bollywood December Birthday Kids Sick of Getting Half the Presents they Deserve Barchi Discriminates Against Self By Age


the Medium

NEWS

"I am shooting machismo out of my nipples! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!"

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

WADDLE ON YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN

DANGER ZONE!

Tom Cruise Defeats Evil Christie Announces Plan To Run in 2016 Big Chill 5K Lord Xenu BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS

NEWS EDITOR

SPACE FEDERATION HQ – Hollywood superstar and prominent scientologist Tom Cruise heroically brought an end to Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy. Among Scientologists, Xenu was guilty of gathering the innocent thetans on suspicion of income tax fraud and then stealing their souls to seal those souls in a mixture of alcohol and glycol. Almost 75 billion years after Xenu’s crime, Tom Cruise announced on Friday that he would put an end to Xenu’s reign of tyranny once and for all and challenged the evil master to a Space Duel. The duel took place on the planet Glorbglac in the far reaches of the Lylat System. Xenu arrived first on his spaceship resembling a DC-8 commercial airplane piloted by his evil team of psychiatrists. Upon seeing that his challenger was not there, the dictator proclaimed, “Bah, I knew that Cruise was too weak and cowardly to face me. To be expected from a man too afraid to leave his closet.” Mere seconds after Xenu’s statement, Tom Cruise heroically entered

the battle arena in a F-14 Tomcat fighter jet with Kenny Lodgings as his copilot to play “Danger Zone” as Cruise’s epic montage. He leapt out of the cockpit brandishing his samurai sword and said, “Show me the money, Xenu!” The duel reportedly went on for hours, with Xenu using his volcano cannon and Cruise using movie references from his golden years. The battle reached a thrilling conclusion when Cruise used his high thetan levels to summon the ghost of his acting career to haunt his opponent. Xenu ran away in fear of having to watch the movie Knight and Day again and then tripped on a plot hole dug by L. Ron Hubbard. Cruise seized this opportunity to destroy Xenu and rid the universe of his cruelty. Following Cruise’s victory over the evil Xenu, Oprah Winfrey announced that she would bring back her show solely to hold a special interview for Cruise. “It’s such a big moment for Tom and I think having him back on my show can improve my ratings. Just keep that asshole away from my couch.”

BY SOME SCHMUCK STAFF WRITER

TRENTON, NJ – “People of New Jersey, 2016 will be my year to run.” The portly governor announced his decision after the 2013 Big Chill 5K, an annual charity race held at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. “Christie has always wanted to run, and now he has his chance” said Ryan Petroskan, the governor's personal trainer and nutritionist. “He's overcome significant challenges in the past, but with his determination, there's nothing that can't be done with diet, exercise, surgery and an $80/hour training fee” – billed to the taxpayers, of course. Petroskan assured the public, “he may not have the support of a devastating hurricane this time around, but with a little motivation, and some work on the StairClimber, and maybe a salad or two, I feel he can win.” Janeane Romano, a spokesperson for the NJ Republican State Committee, announced, “Governor Christie, if he choos-

MANDELA

...continued from front

times, with his trademark smile, good looks, and revolutionary activity in the heavily racist country,” said director Rob Cohen. Co-star Vin Diesel could be seen at the scene of Mandela’s death. The two were rivals throughout the series but described as best friends off screen, often pulling pranks on "THE INTENSE BATTLE REACHED ITS ULTIMATE CLIMAX" crewmembers and discussing Michael Bay has announced his plans to direct a movie starring Tom the new Constitution of South Cruise as himself and Steve Carrell as Lord Xenu. The straight to DVD Africa. The macho action star film will include commentary and one hour footage of only explosions. was visibly shaken but was able

Editorial Staff Fall 2013

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Stewart Hallman Devin Baker

Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God

News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko

es to run, will have the full support of the NJGOP. He has addressed much greater challenges, and I fully believe that our Governor can complete a 5K. Oh waitw, did you say 3 miles? Yeah right, maybe in his ranch-covered dreams can that fat fuck run anything! Get out of here! Press conference over!” “I feel that by 2016, Chris Christie will be ready to run his 5K” said the Dr. Felix Ades, a professor of Exercise Science at Rutgers. “Look, we all know this guy needs to lay off the snacks. But my opinion is, if he puts heart into it, and gets off the goddamn couch, and maybe puts down the fucking McDouble to eat an orange or something, and Jesus Christ, has anyone checked this guy's bloodwork? If he puts his heart into anything he'll probably shit cholesterol.” Christie is slated to start his 30-month training regimen this May. Between now and then, the governor is scheduled to surgically receive a performance lapband.

to talk to reporters. “I lost a brother today,” Diesel said. “One of my favorite things to do was steal his Presidential Medal of Freedom but before I’d get it, he’d already have my MTV Movie Award and we’d have a great laugh about it.” Universal Studios has released commercials announcing a portion of the profit from the recently released Fast & Furious 6 will be donated to Mandela’s foundation, which provides sports cars to underprivileged South Africans. Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Our Readers

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Mandela's "half-century of willing self-sacrifice for the sake of a free non-racial nation where all of its citizens could participate in shaping its destiny." -Rev. William Howard.


Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

FEATURES

the Medium

“How about a TUMS bottle of angel dust?”

THE CORNY FEED

Lame Facebook Statuses BY SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW CONTRIBUTING WRITER

1. What’s the population of South America anyway??? *puts shades on* like a BRAZILIAN 2. Muslims can’t do trigonometry because they were taught to never sin. 3. I will never forgive the person who turned down the opportunity to call a vasectomy a “SACKrifice” 4. The only D’s that I’ve been getting in college are on my assignments. 5. Times Square is just another way of saying “Times times Times” 6. If you like dictionaries so much why don’t you just MERRIAM.

WEATHER CHANNEL

HEN HEN THE WEATHERMAN BY THE HEN HEN MAN OUR WEATHERY PAL

PARTY FOUL

What Not to Say at a Party BY I HATE MASHED POTATOES STAFF SEX SLAVE

1. “Man, it was like I was literally pulling so many strings of poop out my ass that I could’ve decorated the tree with them.” 2. “Yeah, it’s almost mating season for the kids now. Can’t wait to see them in action!” 3. “Do you think I can substitute soy lecithin with soy sauce?” 4. “So apparently, I’m next of kin to this millionaire widow in Nigeria, can you believe that! Yeah, I sent her my bank account info so she could directly wire the money to me!” 5. “Eh, just kick it under the couch, they’ll never find out.” 6. “I squealed in my pants when I saw that pic of Edward Snowden.” 7. “That fucking banshee sounds like a fucking cackling banshee on steroids. Ugh, I hate her so much.” 8. “I need your opinion on something. Do you think it would be socially acceptable if I went up to Keith Lumpkin and handed him a pumpkin? Like, would he laugh?” 9. “Whatever that smell is, I want it in my mouth right now.” 10. “Hey girl, wanna go Red Cross Clubbin-it with me tonight?”

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UGLY THING OF WEEK

CUTE THING OF WEEK


the Medium

OP/ED

“HEY, YOU FOUND ME!”

FEATURED COMMENTARY

I’m So Excited To Meet My New Roommate Next Semester.

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Dear Santa Claus,

BY REBECCA JOHNSON Dear Santa Claus, I have, like, really tried to be a good girl this year. I really have. I BY CHRISTOPHER AULDEN have been nice to all of my friends, even mester roommate! I wonder if I’ll It’s been a the cunty ones and have tried really hard in great first se- be on Livingston again. Maybe school these last two semesters. I have even mester here in I’ll get Busch or College Ave. I accomplished some of my goals of going to Quad 3 House hear the Busch dorms are really the gym more and doing a bunch of charnice, and the Busch dining hall 31. I mean, ity work. I think all of this has reflected on is good. College Ave is a pretty other than poppin’ place, it’s convenient for how much I have grown as a person this year. Just, I’ve gotten expos, lol. so much better at everything. But Santa, please, you just can’t That was hell. partying lol. I’m not gonna miss hold the first few weekends of the semester against me. I had a Livingston is the drunk buses! College Ave tough summer, alright? And I just had to let off some built up pretty cool, I don’t know why ev- would be convenient too because steam. I was just super stressed, and one of the guys was just, eryone hates it. We’re right by the I have Macro at Scott Hall next like, really hot. You understand right, Santa? Of course you do. semester and there’s a bus stop mail lockers and the cinema and You’re so kind and understanding Santa, and you wouldn’t right there. I’m not crazy about that cool off-brand Apple store, Bowser Commons but maybe if I want to make a sweet ol’ girl like me cry, would you? I’d be what’s it called again? The Kite dorm in Stonier Hall I can at least just so sad if I didn’t get what I want for Christmas. and Lock right? I don’t know, I bought an iPad stylus for $27 and use the sky bridge to get there lost it the next week, that was my for breakfast. No idea who I’m only interaction. It’s convenient to rooming with next semester but I can’t wait to meet him. Maybe have. Where was I? Oh right the Quads! Yeah so it was pretty cool he’s studying the same thing? If you’re out there, I hope you’re a living with the other freshmen, BY SANTA CLAUS definitely a good social introduc- Heat fan because we’re watching First of all Rebecca I know it is kind of tion to the world of Rutgers, yeah! every game! I don’t know how late but I want to wish you a happy 18th I’m going to get my TV to my My roommate Morris was also birthday from a couple months ago. It new dorm, it’s kinda hard to take super nice, he’s an engineer so was a big year for you I could tell. Oh most of his classes were on Busch, it on the bus. I don’t know how the shit that you did, you bad little girl. I’m moving any of my things! and he also placed out of expos Yeah you’re saying it was just a few so we didn’t really have much to Is there one day that everyone weekends. No it wasn’t, and let me tell talk about class-wise, but at least just moves their suitcases? Like you I had a front seat for the whole thing. we got to take the B bus together on the buses? I don’t even know You see those two boys from the threesome, yeah they’re on when I’m gonna pack. I have to on Thursdays when he went to my good list cause they always let me watch and damn girl ARC-103 for Chem and I went to study and take finals, and then you really give it your all. Now you need to know that I will be moved out of my fall dorm the MSLC for study group. not hold that against you, ‘cause well it made good old Santa like the next day. Whatever, I’ll Anyway I’m really looking forhard for a good week. Every time Mrs. Claus wanted some figure it out. ward to meeting my second seI couldn’t help but think about you, so thank you. However there is a bad part: that one guy you said was so hot, yeah he TASTE THE RAINBOW wasn’t. That’s what happens when you drink too much, silly. But all and all I guess you can stay on the good list, as long as I’m Not Your Fucking Tool To Be Used To you give Santa a present when he cums down the your face...I mean the chimney this year. Further Your Agenda. I’m My Own Damn

Oh Trust Me, I’ve Seen You When You’re Sleeping, I Know What You Do When You’re Awake.

Scattering Of Light

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO NOT GO HARD

BY: THE RAINBOW I am so fucking tired of being associated with the gays. Do I look like a piece of property to you? Are you really so self-assured with your own oppressive policing that you think you own my fucking ass? What am I, some prison yard bitch? I am the refraction of white light in the air through a prism. I am a fucking beautiful part of nature and a principle illustration of the mechanics of light and prisms. There’s nothing even GAY about me. First of all, I have a lovely wife and two kids. I attended rainbow church every Sunday-- I’m mentioned in the Bible, for Christ sake! I’m a concept as old as time. You know who’s not in the bible? Gay people. Or lesbiansdon’t even get me started. If I see one more Justin Beiber-looking, beanie-wearing, hummus-slurping bitch sporting me on a bandana around her wrist, I’ll be on her with my light rays so bad she’ll get third-degree burns. And gay guys, for Jesus’ sake, STOP PUTTING ME ON PENIS-SHAPED LOLLIPOPS AND THEN SUCKING ON ME. Shit’s getting ridiculous. I used to symbolize so many beautiful things-- peace, non-violence, beauty-- but now if anyone sees me they assume I’m a beacon pointing toward a Cher concert. Give a natural force of beauty some respect.

.

JUST BECAUSE WE’RE ON BREAK DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T SUBMIT. SEND STUFF TO THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM


Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

ARTS

the Medium

“I want dessert. I NEED THAT D.”

FUCKING WILD - MICHAEL INTERRANTE

MEANWHILE, IN SOUTH KOREA

HEY BABY. YOU WEAR NORTHFACE OFTEN?

SHUT UP YOU’RE 5.

To the left: a child laborer in Mirandola, Italy.

HEY GIRL. CHOCOLATE LOVE. HIT ME UP.

Students, you submitted so many comics that Professor XXX had a lot of free time (and wine) on her hands. I’m giving you all A’s. Don’t forget to rate me on SIRS; that’s how I learn new kinks. Send extra credit: themedium.arts@gmail.com Turn that A into an A+: tonight 8PM, BCC 120B.

HORNY HIPSTER - LESLIE KNOPE


PERSONALS

Wednesday, December 111h, 2013

the Medium

“Two in the pink...”

PART 6 (I THINK)

TURN BACK TIME

To iTunes, please stop giving me back songs I My heart has grown 3 deleted years ago. I grew sizes this past week, but I out of dragon force when hardly have anything left I was like eleven. to look forward to. Your friendship and contin- (Right, and when you’re at ued chats would be the it delete all my mom’s Cher best gift I could receive CDs so I don’t remember for Xmas. The posting her walking out on us for is still on CL whenever that Filipino.) you’re ready. When I said I wanted to be friends I FOOTBALL really meant it. What do you think are the chances that the SlutSincerely, gers bureaucracy will Bird Boy reallocate some of the (Can’t you two wierdos see funds away from the that you love eachother?!?) toxic cesspool parties at fraternities and invest in bigger, stronger, and fastSKANK er slaves so we will be at To my friend in a ska a comparable athletic band, the reason every- ability level when we enone hates your band is ter the Big Ten next year? because it’s a fucking ska band Dear Bird Girl,

(Yeah but he’s allowed to wear a fedora if he’s in a ska band. You can’t do that. Only one per group.)

TOOTH-HURTY

HERSPANIC There’s always that one super fashionable hispanic girl in your classes who has all her shit together and you’re like damn, why can’t I be as cool as her.

REAL AD FOR A REAL GOOD CAUSE

(Except when she has half her head shaved. Bitches lose all credibility when they have half their head shaved.)

DAWG i’m sick and tired of my professor and his stupid fucking moustache. shave it already dickhole. (I always support a nice dick tickler, except on Indian guys. Do less Indian guys, do less.)

THE MEDIUM IS DONE FOR THE SEMESTER BITCHES JOIN US NEXT SEMESTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM IN THE BCC ROOM 120B OR ELSE SANTA WILL SKIP YOUR HOUSE

ROOM RAIDERS

Dear freshman bitches, stop complaining you’re all broke. Get a job so you can have some pocket money so you can fucking have some fun and (Normally, I have to wait go out to eat with the rest hours outside a girl’s apart- of us! Come on! Sincerely ment before I have the the upperclassmen. chance to put her panties on (Just think freshman, in less my head.) than one semester you can be the asshole anonymously CHRIST emailing a shitty newspaper There’s still three weeks bitter things like this!) until Christmas and I’m already sick of that stu- RODENTS IN BUTTS pid shit. Enough of the Was on a REXL today dumbass music. and this girl sneezed and (You shut your mouth you she actually, not gonna fat ape. Christmas is the lie, sounded like a hambest damn time of the year, ster getting squeezed to not counting Shark Week or death. Nothing says “I live in an all girls dorm than closing the shower curtain and having panties fall on your head.

I woke up at 2:30 AM to (Student athletes*.) finish a final paper. I was up so long that I got to see the sun rise. I guess So did anyone go to the college really is full of “football game” on Satwonderful new experi- urday? ences! (I was there and I froze the (Sleeping at any time is for tip of my penis off. It’s still IN DODD WE TRUST the weak, and people that in section 106.) Chas Dodd, you long have been molested by an haired ginger angel. uncle as a child.) Where were you all seaROOFIE CYCLE son? WHERE WAS HE TOOTH-HURTY You know you go to Rut- ALL SEASON FLOOD? I watched “Exit Through gers when getting drunk the Gift Shop” and now “accidentally” isn’t un- (The team was perfectly coached for their goal of I just want to put more heard of. making it to the prestigious shitty graffiti on the side (I love getting girls drunk pin stripe bowl.) of route 18. Shart Week.) accidentally. Come to my (I’m still trying to tag the house this weekend for my Fuck Gary Nova still. Im sick of this motherGreat White Whale- Presi- special Four Loko, Listerine, fuckin snow on the and Absinthe jungle juice.) (Amen.) dent Barchi’s bald head.) motherfuckin sidewalk.

COLORED BOOBS OF THE WEEK

“Bet you can’t BANK on guessing these. They’re certainly not TYRAble.”

FRESH MEAT

SMUT

(Yes, but did she sound like a hamster screeching in the microwave? Asking for a friend.)

JOLLY SAINT NICK

Dear Santa, all I want for How awesome was that Christmas is a big booty Eagles game in the snow? hoe. (I hope that city is burned to the ground immediately.)

(Don’t we all my child.)

Saw a lot of finger banging at a frat party last Friday. It was great until the guy was caught taking a picture. I hope I didn’t ruin the romantic mood of a disgusting dark basement and his smelly fingers.

There you have it with personals this semester. It’s been a great semester of dick jokes, racism and eating Wendy’s Dollar Menu. See you next semester babies. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

HEHEHE


PERSONALS

Wednesday, December 111h, 2013

the Medium

“We’re talking about actually blowing bubbles into water.”

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR TOSSED SALAD To all of my readers, it has been a pleasure getting to write for you $%$##$# No No No No I did not write that! Fuck you all! Literally I want every single one of you. No you don’t have to be single! Now while I’m away I want you all to remember some things -CHEAT -LIE -CUM -AND REPEAT If you do all of these things then you are living by the Doctor’s rules and therefore will be a true motherfucka. And my wife never caught me! How about that fucking shit And I learned how to spell, Damn. TWITTER SHIT To anyone who constantly tweets out stupid song lyrics. You’re not cool, you’re not clever, that person did not write that song about your fucking life. Just cause you’re listening to it does not mean that you need to share it with the rest of the world to make yourself look like a deep person. No one cares. Shut the fuck up all of you! (ugh omg shut up too little bitch. How about this for a song, blow it out your ass in D minor.)

DOUCHENOZZLE To the douchenozzle who I bumped into as I was exiting the bus, no I am not saying sorry. Move the fuck out of the way so people can leave before you get on. (Yeah thats right baby!) To the guy who thinks he is great for smoking pot for the first time, welcome to the world where no one gives a fuck. Just don’t get caught. (Yo no reason to get caught. Some great places to smokey smoke on campus. Spead the love and don’t forget to throw 5s.) Good luck on finals everyone! Just don’t do better than me so I can get a nice, sexy curve. (Mmmmmm curves yes.)

TIME FOR A SHIT

YUMMY YUMMY

I want to give a shoutout to the business building, for having cheap 1-ply toilet paper in its bathrooms, but of the nice variety.

Am I the only one who thinks that tall skinny skinny yummy men who wear business suits look ridiculous.

(Nothing is worse. Another reason why the business school and more importantly YOU are the dirty buttholes of Rutgers.) Why is it that when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful Aphrodite but when I see pictures of myself, I look like I’m having a seizure. (That happens when you get get fucked in the mouth. Yeah it happens. Word.)

THE FINGER

I accidentally gave a middle finger to the light GETTIN’ DRUNK switch as I was turning it off so I went back and To the assclown on the apologized to it. Are you RexB bus on December proud of me mom? 3rd, please explain why you felt the need to howl (Your mommy is here right loudly every single fuck- now. I’m being her new dading time the bus slowed dy.) down. I was almost hoping someone would You think you can imagpunch you in your fat ine how I always miss fuck of a face. Next time, RexL buses? Go 3 levels instead of riding the bus higher than what you can after getting hammered, imagine and that’s where kindly throw yourself I am. down a long flight of (Sounds horrible. you know stairs. what else is horrible? This (Hey hey hey now. You personal! You would think know what you need. You you shitheads would learn need this guy to fuck the how to bitch properly by shit outta your pussy girl, now but no. Damnit.) then he’ll have you howling. Like you should be. So now you have a boyNow for the kid reading this friend, you wouldn’t take thinking about fucking that it badly if I just stopped girl across the bus from you. talking to you right? I Stop that! She wants me not mean it doesn’t serve me any purpose now. you, you ungreatful fuck.)

FUCK ME YEAH

Linny, Tuck, and MingMing too! We’re Wonder Pets and we’ll help you! What’s gonna work? TEEEEEEAMWORK!!! What’s gonna work???? (Ridiculous? Excuse me but TEEEEEEEEEEEEEAMthat just means you have no WORK!!!!!!! taste.) I play this on my phone randomly and my girlI’d watch Whoopie Goldfriend hates me just a litberg fuck. tle bit more each time. ; ) (You’re pretty sick dude.) (At least you aren’t playing cat videos. Oh I saw this litDORMS tle puppy on the bus today. Nothing says “I live in an Little shit wanted me to all girls dorm than clos- pet it, but I don’t think so. ing the shower curtain That’s just what he wanted. and having panties fall Oh yeah your personal... you have a girl? Yeah okay. on your head. I’m jk I watch you guys get (I like getting head. Isn’t it on.) that what this personal is who cares about the big about?) three harvard, princeton you know whats goin and yale, while I have down when you see a you, Rutgers dude waiting for a bus outside Katzenbach in (You forgot to mention Cornell and its lesbian sister the middle of the night. next door--Dartmouth!) (Oh yeah you know. Well you reading this probabily HERE WE GO doesn’t. Sorry you’ll get To the cutie with huge there.) lips on the bus today. Damn girl I’m sorry for CHRISTMAS TIME staring but you were just i love lil christmas elves! so fine. You were workin everything you had goin. (They should be out this Thank you so much. weekend. Reading days are the shit. We will see who is (Yes the doctor wrote this, naughty and who is really and yes she was a blonde naughty this weekend.) too.)

JAMES

(You sir are the fucking man by saying this. Time for the To all the males out there Doctor to educate you little that have gender iden- pricks. Don’t get a boytity issues and wish they friend or girlfriend! Sure were born as women, if you can cheat, I encouryou can figure out a way age it. But at the same time to have my period for me, your other prob knows this then please, be my guest. person you cheat with and then you have to lie about it, (Oh bleed out your own which isn’t a bad thing it’s fucking pussy. God damnit just a pain cause then he/ she is then always up your thats fucking disgusting.) ass. If you’re still reading go MARRY YOUR DOG smoke a J as a reward.

PERIOD DRINK

If you marry you dog, then i’m pretty sure you can get your asshole licked...idk. I heard about it from Yahoo answers. (What’s wrong with that?)

One day, there’s going to be a car accident in a Costco parking lot, one day.

(Just happened, they all died. Damn yo that’s cold.)

James in all of his glory. If you don’t know who this is then I am dissapointed in you.


THE BACK PAGE “I’ve been watching a lot of straight porn lately”

Types of Women at Rutgers

Caption Contest!

 

Last issue! Shout-out to everyone who participated in this semester’s Caption Contest. Because this is the last Medium that you’ll see until spring rolls back around, enjoy the top three captions sent in this week.

What’s Shakin’

Tonight 8pm @BCC rm120B Euphoric Medium Meeting Simply no other word can describe it.  Thursday & Friday All day everywhere Reading days Fuck finals. But leave them unsatisfied- that way you won’t have to do them again next semester.   

WANT TO BE FAMOUS?? Submit shit. themedium.backpage@gmail.com

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

Busch: The girls on this campus are hit or miss. You’ll either get some of that hot, juicy, exotic fruit, or pretty much what you’d find at some freakshow circus type thing. Seriously, the wide array of girls you can find here requires someone with great courage and Lady Luck on his(/her) side. College Ave: Hehehe, easy pickings. That’s all I got to say. Just come Thursday-Saturday night and if you’re at least a 3/10, you’re gonna get some. Cook: Now, you gotta be a special kinda guy (or girl) for this. Here you’ll find some weird onesyou know, the ones who dye their hair non-natural colors and listen to that new indie band that just released their debut album. You really gotta be like one of them to get one of them. Honestly, I can’t even tell who’s the guy or girl in these Cook couples.

“When they found out that their Best Western hotel room came with free zero G, they had mixed reactions...” “When it comes to 8 month year old Kimyonce, you are not the father!” “I told you not to drop that thunthunthun”

BK’s Picks & Snuggie’s Picks Top Reasons To Be In a Commited Relationship

Douglass: Strop right there. No shave November just ended. Do you really think they cut off whatever they were growing down there for the past month? Ah screw it, who I am kidding, I’d still go for them. Just got to remember to bring some clippers. Livingston: Them business chicks. Flash some cash, and you and that pretty girl are about to mash. The best ones to go for are the fall semester sophmores. At this point, a lot of them are worried they won’t get out of Pre-Business and are getting desperate. And the desperate ones are the kinky ones.

Number Crossword!!!!!

BK 1: You can be sure that they’re exclusively with you. This means that you don’t have to worry about losing them to someone else.  2: You have someone there that consistently makes you happy. That’s right, no more of that “I’m nervous” crap. The best part about this is that in most cases, neither member is experiencing negative thoughts about things such as trying to end the relationship. 3: The day that you make your relationship public, or nowadays, Facebook Official, you will undobutedly get a shit-ton of likes. And in most cases, that will be far more likes than anything you’ve ever put up, especially if you’re a guy.

Snuggie 1: You can always rely on our significant other. Friends are always willing to help you out, but sometimes you need someone that can drive you home and pick you up from Student Centers. 2: They can’t leave you- they’re commited. 3: When you are in a commited relationship you don’t need to worry about trying to keep it hidden from other people. Some people try to hide the fact that they are together and only embrace it when they finally enter into an offical commited relationship. When you first announce that you’re together, most people are probably going to be caught completely off guard because you’ve kept it hidden so well. Tune in next semester for top 3 reasons to not let your friends know your relationship status after you promised them a spot on your page.

ACROSS

2. The answer to life, the universe, and everything 4. But shit. It was... cents 5. Length (in miles) of Lake Ontario 9. # of characters in ASCII standard set 11. CXXXIV 12. Amount of states in ‘Murica

Answers:

193, 60, 9, 128, 3.1415, 45, 99, 50, 4, 1, 42, 21, 16, 0, 134, 841, 87

DOWN

1. The age that everyone in college most looks forwards to 2. The infamous midlife crisis age 3. Tastes great with vanilla ice cream on top 7. Code for international direct dial calls to Malaysia 8. Last symphony of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 10. Atomic number of Francium


12/11/13 Rutgers Medium