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INSTA: @themediumRU

NOVEMBER 30th, 2016

Volume LII Issue xII 50¢ DEF NOT MAD

HILLARY CLINTON WILL NOT COME OUT OF THE WOODS

BY GRIND ALL EXPLORA REPORTA

NEW YORK- Since the election results on November 9 the country has seen a division between those who believe the electoral college has the exclusive right to decide the election, and those that believe the election should be decided through a popular vote. As Hillary Clinton's popular vote lead approaches two million, many Americans are calling for a recount. When election officials decided to approach Clinton about the recount they couldn't locate her. When her husband Bill was asked about her whereabouts he began to give a speech on women's legs and their ability to "wiggle around". Upon further investigation, election officials found Clinton sleeping on the ground in the middle of the Black Woods Forest

IM JUST CHILLING Hillary Clinton insists she is fine and just 'hanging around' in the woods.

in the same clothes from her In the days following concession speech. According to her speech, many oddities police Clinton, in a fit of hysteria, were seen around the woods ran into the woods after giving including a ripped pantsuit, her emotional speech. Continued on Page 2

SOLIDARITY

Wisconsin Recount Reveals Jeb Bush Landslide Victory

HE'S HAPPY "I'm happy" says Jeb Bush BY ADRIAN SUPERFLY TELEPHONE POLL DANCER

In Wisconsin, Green Party candidate Jill Stein requested a recount of the state’s presidential votes following

her suspicion of illegal votes sent in by approximately 10,000 carp. However, as the four underplayed employees went over the two million votes they uncovered a miraculous discovery. Located behind the

state capitol building sat a dumpster filled to the brim with uncounted votes for former RNC candidate Jeb Bush. Counting at 3.7 million, the previously discarded votes places the lesser known Bush as the winner of Wisconsin’s treasured ten electoral votes. According to an internal investigation by the FBI, the polling system used by Wisconsin auto trashed any votes that were deemed “joke” votes by common knowledge. With the polling program all votes for fake candidates like Jay Z, Tom Hanks, and Gary Johnson were all immediately disposed of and compiled in the now-famous dumpster. As the Continued on Page 2

TALKING ABOUT DICKS Since 1970

QUICKIES

Meet the Medium in the Centerfold!

Do You Shave Your Pubes for No Shave November? Jeopardy! Suspiciously Easy Today Fuck All These Christmas Lights It's Still November In The Same Vein of Thought: Stop Fucking Singing Christmas Carols For God Sakes Man Fired from Targum for Being Literate Newt Gingrich Starts Feud with Cats The Musical


the Medium

NEWS

"DID YOU JUST TELL US THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK?"

HERE SHE COMES HILLARY CLINTON

...continued from front

broken heels, and a ripped pearl necklace. Visitors also reported seeing a human-like figure in the shadows mumbling lyrics to Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z, and Beyoncé lyrics. "I thought I was just having whiplash from the election" said hiker Julian Callahan. "At one point I swear right in my ear I heard a woman whisper 'trumped up economics' but I thought it was the wind". Clinton, previously to being spotted, had refused to come out of the woods declaring "This is real this is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be", a Camp Rock quote that seemed to be oddly relevant to the situation. "Yup we just found her sleeping on that rock over there,"

said police chief Kenneth Rock. "When we woke her up she kept protesting that she was 'just chilling' so I'm not sure if she's coming out or not". After some more questioning Clinton was seen running off into the woods again, unclear as to where exactly she was heading. Police are still unsure of whether she will be leaving the woods anytime soon, so the forest rangers are in talks of making an exhibit out of her. "It would bring in a fuck ton of money," confirmed head ranger Paul Barrett. Reports say the rangers are waiting another week or so to make the final decision on whether they will be opening a Hillary Clinton trainwreck attraction.

Wednesday, November 30TH 2016

themedium.news@gmail.com

Americans Flee To Cuba Following Castro's Death

WAIT...WHAT

JEB BUSH

...continued from front

program never sought to take number of votes into account, the almost four million Jeb Bush votes were still discarded. As of this report Wisconsin has announced it is taking no steps to change the process of counting their votes, according to one state official “Look at this point… it just doesn’t fucking matter man. Seriously like… fuck.” A statement released from the official in Wisconsin maintiain their innocence in tampering with the vote claiming "Seriously, how could anyone be serious?" Jill Stein was overwhelmed by the findings that her investigation uncovered. A staff member of Stein’s oddly persistent campaign told the writers at The Medium “Honestly we were just expecting to catch a few fraudulent votes for Johnson, you know to boost Jill’s self-esteem. We never thought we would reveal the most surprising upset victory

Editorial Staff Fall 2016

since Rocky III.” Hillary Clinton was unable to be reached for comment, but reportedly could be heard cursing America from the woods she currently resides in (see headline to hear more about this story). President-elect Donald Trump (I literally vomited typing that) refused to comment to reporters, but promised to post a tweet about the issue after a high fiber dinner on Thursday night. Taking the news in stride, Jeb Bush has announced he will look to move to Wisconsin and seek to win governorship in the state. This unprecedented victory is much needed for Jeb as he reportedly suffered unending verbal abuse this past week during Thanksgiving from his father and brother for not being able to even get nominated for president while his mom sat next to him and whispered sweet nothings such as "You know you're still my special boy Jeb".

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein

Fratypus

RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING

MIAMI—Following the news of Fidel Castro’s death on Friday, thousands of Americans are reportedly fleeing the United Stated in hopes of a better life in Cuba. Castro was a brutal dictator of Cuba for 47 years, and has been accused of a multitude of human rights violations. President Obama’s administration has been working to repair lingering animosity between the United States and Cuba, which began during the Cuban Missile Crisis under Castro’s regime. President-Elect Donald Trump, who will be inaugurated in January, has made it extremely clear that life in America will not be pleasant for immigrants, even though there’s no realistic way that the government can do anything about the undocumented immigrants in the United States. Cuban-Americans who

came to the states as refugees are now getting ready to flee the country they came to for safety. Cuban-Americans in southern Florida have been building rafts out of anything they can find to escape certain tyranny in the United States. “We have to get the fuck out of here,” says Manuel Franco, a real estate agent living in Miami who came to the US as a refugee at the age of 9. “Castro’s dead, so fuck it, Cuba’s probably better than here. I’ve got some empty water jugs from the office, tied them to my front door, and covered that shit with a tarp. We’re all set to sail for a better life.” Franco plans to take his entire family with him to Cuba. “Maybe we’ll start a cigar business! Thanks to Cuba’s great labor laws, I could pay the kids 10 cents an hour. We could make a fucking killing, man. I’m so excited.”

NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt

Sports Editor Michael Okolo Copy Editor Jonathan Holzsager Kevin McClintock Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Black Friday

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to the turkeys Obama did not pardon.


OPINION

Wednesday, November 30th 2016 themedium.opinions@gmail.com

the Medium

“Don’t use this picture, this isn’t my final form.”

UNIVERSITY VOICES

What did you do with your Thanksgiving leftovers?

“I blending them into a protein shake.” Andrew Milosevic Captain of RU Powerlifting

“I fed them to my goldfish, then I ate my goldfish.” Steven Chi Rest in Piece Goldie

“I used a drumstick as a drumstick! It was radical.” Landen Hawkins Plays the drums

SHAVED BY THE BELL

SHAVING YOUR NO-SHAVE NOVEMBER BEARD IS LIKE BREAKUP SEX.

BY THE BUS KID Shaving this beard is a whole lot like breakup sex, and let me tell you why. When you shave, it’s like trying new things--like when you stuck your finger up your soon-to-be ex’s asshole while she rode you reverse cowgirl-you can try new things with facial hair. Goatee? Fu Manchu? Go for it, because as soon as you leave the bathroom, no one will ever know you tried those most likely horrible ideas. On top of that, the commitment that you’re ending is just like when you broke up with your girlfriend and you really didn’t get deeply involved with anyone for a while. The second you take off that beard, you’ll most likely never grow it out to the same extent until next November. Now I’m not saying you won’t go a few days here and there in between without shaving, just like how you probably get laid here and there after your break. You remember after you broke up, sometimes you’d wake in the middle of the night and turn around hoping to see your ex’s face but instead seeing the vast darkness of the night, illustrating how lonely you were? Yeah, that new void is the same as when you feel your now bare, baby-smooth skin. Pretty depressing. And finally, you completely forget how to impress people, back when you had a girlfriend, you didn’t have to impress others and you were content with it. But once you broke up, you were broken, single and worst of all boring. Well without your beard, you’re pretty much boring all over again. Time to hit the gym again you bare-skinned bitch.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

CHRISTMAS IS THE BEST!

BY CHRISTINE JOHNSON As a Jew, I feel I can objectively assess whether Christmas is great or not. Christmas is the BEST time of year. Can you tell me a bigger birthday celebration for a Jew? Jesus is the man! Hundreds of years later and he is the most celebrated man in the world. The only other people who’s birthdays are holidays are some presidents. With the lights, music, decorations, snow and food, it can’t get better than that. Not to mention, Christmas season is a full two months long. The birth of Jesus has rocked more than just the religious world, it has significantly impacted the capitalist economy of the western hemisphere. From cards, to movies, to a magical old man delivering presents to all the children of the world, the true Christmas miracle is the creation of major economic markets. And do not get me started on the beautiful melodies of Christmas music. So much cheer and joy packed into every single measure. And so many bells-I LOVE BELLS. Bells are something everyone can enjoy. And most important, eggnog. This thick and creamy beverage just really says Christmas to me. A lot of holiday foods are made of weird combinations of ingredients that just somehow work because of Christmas magic. Eggnog is one of these magical concoctions.

CHRISTMAS IS THE WORST FUCKING HOLIDAY. BY JUDAH YISROLSHEM

Christmas is the worst fucking holiday in the world. I don’t fucking understand why has to become such a large part of our life for the next month. IT’S ONE FUCKING DAY. There is nothing about it that’s good. Let’s go over a few reasons why it sucks. First off, as stated previously, the holiday lasts for one day. 24 hours. Yet somehow every single fucking TV station has you believing that the fucking holiday lasts from November 25th onward. ABC Family has their stupid fucking “25 Days of Christmas.” Guess what ABC Family, Hannukkah has 8 days, and they go from the 24th to the 1st of January this year, I don’t see you giving the Jews any time at all. And then you have those stupid fucking shopping centers and malls that insist on playing Christmas music as soon as Black Friday starts. Mariah Carey’s Christmas song sucks. Bing Crosby is a cock gobbler. And Michael Buble’s Christmas album is arguable the Sgt. Peppers of shitty music. Seriously, Michael, go suck a massive chode. Also, I hope the Little Drummer Boy gets sodomized by Santa with a drumstick this year. He’s a cunt. Seriously, there is nothing good about Christmas. There’s nothing jolly about it. And the only reason why kids are into the fucking holiday is because they teach them that some weird fucking old man is watching them while they sleep, and while they discover themselves in bed at night. FUCK CHRISTMAS. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. I love you for reading all this.


the Medium GMO CORN DARCY RITT FEATURES EDITOR

FANCY UNICORN MICHAEL VINCENT POWER BOTTOM

CORN DOG ANDREW BLUSTEIN CORN-IN-CHIEF “If it ain’t natural,

it ain’t going in my mouth.” “You know you want a taste”

CORNHOLE LANDEN NAPHTALI WEBMASTER

KORN JAKE GOLDSTEIN OPINIONS EDITOR

“I’m the top corn dog”

“Nothing better than eating an ear of corn then playing some bitchin’ cornhole” CORN FLAKES KEVIN MCCLINTOCK COPY EDITOR

“And you thought I was a nice Jewish boy” CORN NUTS DANIEL UM ARTS EDITOR

“Corn nuts are a metaphor for “Double checking is apart of every the complexity of life: crunchy balanced diet!” and delicious”

CARAMEL CORN MIKE OKOLO SPORTS EDITOR

“Once you go caramel, you never go back”


the Medium

Wednesday, November 30th 2016 CORNOR CONNOR McCARTHY PERSONALS EDITOR

CREAMED CORN SIFAT MAHBUB MANAGING CORN EDITOR “Why did the corn fall out of the tree? Because it didn’t belong there.” MARISSA SCHWARTZ CORN BREAD CORNTRIBUTOR

“Much like creamed corn, I don’t have a place in society”

GMO-CORN JAMES MULLEN NEWS EDITOR

ACORN ALY GRINDALL NEWS EDITOR

“I’M SO YUMMY!”

CORNHOLIO JON SAWYER LONG SHELF LIFE

“I just want to find a cute squirrel to feed” CORN STAR JORDAN PLAUT A7 EDITOR

“I am the pinnacle of what science has to offer”

“Ready for the best government subsized lapdance of your life?”

“I have the bunghole”

most

sanitary


PERSONALS

the Medium So Awkward

Poor Mailmen

The homeless people living across from me got in a huge fight last night and the fire department had to be called.

I tried to compliment my boss because he shaved his beard off but it ended up being completely awkward and I do not belong in society.

Does anybody use the campus mail anymore? Or mail without the internet at all for that matter?

Stop telling men who “Just finished a six-month sentence in Rahway” to ask me for money every dang time I’m behind the College Ave gym. Tell them to go to downtown New Brunswick where there are people with income and cash! Exactly. College students are infamous for having no money whatsoever. Most beggars actually have more wealth than the average college student.

themedium.personals@gmail.com

“I know of a wide variety of awkward noises.”

Homeless People

Are they part of the underground fighting ring, or were they just fighting for the fuck of it?

Wednesday, November 30h, 2016

Beards are amazing. Complimenting somebody on an absence of beard doesn’t make any sense. That’s where you went wrong. Can I get invited to an orgy where the floor doesn’t feel like the floor of a movie theater? Yes you can! I’m having one at the Public Safety Building tomorrow night, the 31st! IHOP shouldn’t be open 24 hours. It’s why bad things happen there. I thought it was because pancakes bring bad luck.

Thanksgiving has come and gone! That means its time to look ahead and start preparing for the nexy major holiday. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Not really. Snail mail is to email what Blockbuster is to Netflix. Milk first, or cereal? I can never really tell which is correct. You pour the cereal first, and then, ONLY then, do you pour the milk in. God, I’ve never seen an argument this one sided since the Gif pronounciation thing. I’m going to throw lightbulbs at people from my dorm window. Please don’t do that. It hurts more than you’d expect. I speak from the time my ex girlfriend hit me with a lightbulb.

Drugs I get carded more when I go to the graduate reading room in Alexander than when I go to George Street Ale House. Something is wrong with this picture. Underage drinking is a teenage rite of passage. Homeless people left unchecked in a public building could be dangerous, or at least obnoxious. They could stink up the library. I see no issue here. My cousin’s heroin addiction is the most American thing to happen to my family! We’ve finally assimilated!!! Congratulations on becoming American citizens! Who says the American Dream is dead? I pull out my hair and save it. That’s ok, right?

Think you can rival us in sheer corniness? Come to room 411B at The Rutgers Student Center! Wednesdays at 7:45 P.M.

That depends entirely on what type of hair you’re doing this for. Head hair is a little odd but acceptable, pubic hair is unhygenic and absolutely not ok. Back hair is just creepy. I’m going to cover myself in oil and roll around my sidewalk until someone sees me, then I’ll shriek at them and run away. I thought only my grandpa did that.

Horoscopes!

Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Ophiuchus: The stars will have nothing to do whatsoever with your day to day lives and relationships.

So Romantic How long does it take for flowers to die? I have some I want to give to a girl but I’m going on my first date so it would be creepy unless I waited a while. They live for somewhere between 3 days and 4 months. I know nothing about flowers and am too lazy to look it up. Ask someone else. I saw a rat at the NYC subway. Seeing it able to live despite the constant threat of being crushed by a subway makes me hopeful that a Trump presidency won’t result in an apocolypse. Trains don’t have political power though. Don’t get your hopes up. If only I had a sack of potatoes. Then everything would be ok. Even better, tear all the doorknobs off your house. The energy involved should make you feel better.

RU Screw Click clack, click clack WHO DECIDED TO PUT A PING PONG TABLE NEXT TO A COMPUTER LAB I’m assuming one of the many people that profit from failing students. I’m expecting for the concept to be a university standard bt 2020.

Merry Xmas! Merry Christmas eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve, eve!

eve, eve, eve, eve,

Christmas doesn’t work like that. Two eves, max. Otherwise you get monstrosities like that. I have hiccups! How do you fix it? First, try brushing your teeth upside down. If that doesn’t work, try taking a funnel and injecting air into your throat.

Yay, Incest! Is it incest if you and your cousin hook up with the same girl? Or are we just eskimo brother cousins? That’s a little odd, but not incestual. The real question: is it creepy to date someone that potentionally or does have the same name as a member of your immediate family? Wondering the awnser keeps me up at night. Remember when you were a kid and made forts out of blankets and furniture? Weren’t those the good old days? One: How are you aware of that aspect of my past? Is that like the floor is lava? A game that pretty much all children have played growing up? Two: No, my childhood was certainly not “the good old days”.


F/ARTS

Wednesday, November 30th, 2016

themedium.arts@gmail.com

the Medium

“I shaved my blond hair and now I look like Kim Jong-Un”

“DONALD TRUMP” BY CAILLOU JR.

“THE MISADVENTURES OF TABS-MAN” BY SWOLE MIKE

YA DONE F*CKED UP

BOP IT!

BLACK FRIDAY DEALS THAT YOU MISSED Shit Perfume Spray Are you too cheap to buy perfume for your constant, smelly shits? Black Friday Deal: $20.12 P.S. Person on the LX bus that keeps borderline shitting their pants, I will personally gift this to you. 2 for 1 RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE Is one wife that you cannot communicate with not enough for you? Double the trouble while the deal lasts! Frequently Bought Together: Rosetta Stone (Russian)

PARELLELS BETWEEN CHILDHOOD GAMES AND ADULT LIFE BY LATIN MAMA

Don’t ask me how this idea ever popped into my head, but I recently began to realize that a lot of similarities exist between our favorite childhood games and our now (sort-of) adult lives. Take a walk down memory lane with The Medium as we explain the grown-up version of some of your childhood favs! HUNGRY-HUNGRY HIPPOS: This is essentially how 90% of guys make-out (Ladies, you can vouch for this). Maybe they played this game so much as a kid that they’ve subconsciously fixated on it? (*Insert perverted Freudian theory here*) HIDE-AND- SEEK: The adult parallel to this game would be that all-too familiar game we females have to play when hiding from a creepy guy at the bar. The only differences here are that the stakes are muuuuuuch higher than when you were a kid (God forbid he actually finds you…). SOCKEM’ BOPPERS: This childhood fav, which was undeniably “more fun than a pillow fight,” was the only time you and your siblings were actually permitted to relentlessly beat the shit out of each other with inflatable hands (Nice going, Hasbro©). This game is vaguely reminiscent of an all-to- familiar Easton bar fight. Come to think of it, having Sockem’ Boppers on-hand at bars would not only minimize injuries, but would also be a hell of a lot more entertaining!

SI PUEDES LEER ESTO, TIENES QUE VENIR A LAS REUNIONES DE THE MEDIUM LOS MIERCOLES A LAS 7:45 PM EN 411B DEL RSC ADEMAS MIS CADERAS NO MIENTEN

TWISTER: An adult version of this already exists, it’s called an orgy. MAGIC-8 BALL: This toy was the tits when you were younger, admit it. How else were you going to know if Conor was ever gonna grow the balls (literally) to ask you to the 6th grade dance?! The adult parallel of this game is our futures themselves, because at this point, we have just as good of a chance of knowing what road we’re going down as shaking an $8.99 + S&H ball full of blue dye.


November 30th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com FREE RETTIG

RUTGERS QUARTERBACK TRANSFERS TO A SCHOOL THAT DOESN'T SUCK BY MIKE HAWK SUCKS AT EVERYTHING

NEW BRUNSWICK— In the likes of LeBron James and Kevin Durant, Rutgers quarterback Hayden Rettig has decided to "take his talents" out of Piscataway. This transfer news is coming at a time where a lot of players seem to be abandoning their homes in their respective sport. Earlier this year, basketball player Kevin Durant moved from his 9 year team at Oklahoma City to what is considered the strongest team in the NBA, the Golden State Warriors. It is hard to imagine what top notch school would want to pick up Rettig at this moment since his performance here at Rutgers University hasn't exactly been 'stellar' but nonetheless, Rettig assures that his decision wasn't based off the fact that he couldn't

win. We asked Rettig about his decision to leave our great community and he had this to say. "You know some people are saying that I am transferring because Rutgers can't win a game but I want to set the record straight. The real reason I'm leaving Rutgers is because of how horrible the dining halls are on the weekend. They literally only serve breakfast on the

weekends from the time they open till like 4pm! Most times I just stay in bed till 2pm and have my first meal of the day then. The dining hall is enabling my lazy lifestyle and something needs to be done about it. I can't continue to live this destructive lifestyle." Rettig plans on transferring to The College of New Jersey, a less-worse Division III school with a pretty classy dining hall. Now Rutgers has no one.

SORRY NOT SORRY

RUTGERS BASKETBALL SORRY FOR PROVIDING FALSE HOPE BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF MISSING SKIP BAYLESS

PISCATAWAY— The

Rutgers men’s basketball team is off to a surprising 6-0 start, something new head coach Steve Pikiell is beginning to regret. “I thought it would be good to win all these games against bad teams,” said a somber Pikiell at a recent practice. “But then I saw our upcoming schedule and remembered we play in the Big Ten. Then I looked around and realized people are putting faith in us, thinking we can make up for our football team’s disgraceful performance. I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen.” Rutgers has yet to play a quality opponent. The team’s last win was a 77-75 victory over Hartford at home. Next, Rutgers goes down to Florida to play Miami. Eventually, the team will have to play Wisconsin, Indiana,

FASTBALLS

Prediction: We will lose

Pitt makes No.2 Clemson look like a Pit This column should be called 'space filler balls' Freshman continuously wonders why he is yelling "Fuck Penn State" all of the time At least all of our other sports don't suck What is Wrestling?

Maryland and Purdue, all ranked teams. Things can only get worse. “I mean we want to win, but we don’t want our fans to go through the agony of realizing we’re actually not that good,” said second-year guard Corey Sanders. “Nobody on the team wants to let anyone down, but now that’s unavoidable. Sorry everyone.” Over the last two seasons, Rutgers went 22-43 under head coach Eddie Jordan, who led

the team to an embarrassing 2-16 in-conference record last year. However, with the Rutgers football team having just finished a 2-10 season, most are turning to basketball for solace, even though Rutgers sports high-achieving wrestling and girl’s soccer teams. Players, coaches, trainers and everyone else associated with the team are continuing to downplay their solid start and are stressing patience upon their fans, but it is already too late.

No swag SInce 1970

Conor Mcgregor gives up his second belt More balls made of space that can or can not be fast sometimes

November 30, 2016 Issue  

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