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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue X
Michael Crichton’s Funeral Held at Airport Bookstore Los Angeles, CA- The Funeral of novelist and Jurassic Park author Michael Crichton, who died on November 4th from cancer at age 66, was held on Sunday at the LAXBooks kiosk in Terminal 2 of The Los Angeles International Airport before several dozen businessmen between ﬂights and stranded travelers. “We thought that Mike would have loved this,” said Crichton’s widow, Sherri Alexander, “We thought it would be appropriate to hold it before some of his most loyal readers, at least until they have to board their next ﬂight.” The service was followed by a quick reception at the terminal’s McDonald’s.
Government Resorts to Bullying for Addtional Money Washington, D.C.- The United States Government has sunk to a new low as it is now hiring professional bullies across the nation in an attempt to generate enough money to support the $700 Billion Bailout plan in progress. “Really, this is a great opportunity for me to expand my business,” said Randy Fulcher, Preston Middle School’s top bully. “And you fart knocking ass-wipes better give me your money or I’ll shiv you!” Senator Chuck Schumer (DNY) had this to say about the new addition to the bailout plan. “Well, I never seemed to have any money left over after the bullies were done pants-ing me, so I ﬁgured what better way to generate much needed revenue?” the Senator said. Each bully will receive a 20% bounty on each nerd’s income collected.
November 12th, 2008
Busch Campus Decides to Form Independent University Rutgers Shits Itself in Response
ding me? Have you seen Livingston Campus? There’s enough space out there to hide Bin Laden, and with New Brunswick, NJ- Busch Camall the Asians and Indians gone, the pus senior advisor Ned McNerdgrading curve of the classes will be ington announced this Friday that much better.” he plans to have the entire Busch The move comes almost a campus become its own university year after Cook College decided to and no longer be afﬁliated with become its own self sustaining farm Rutgers. and break away from Rutgers but “When you think about it, still agreed to let freshman sleep in all the important research and learning stuff goes on here anyway.” McNerdington said, “We also have the football ﬁeld, we might as well be our own school.” The move comes as a shock to students. Some students, mainly Asians, will be transferring from Rutgers to Busch next semester. Many students did not know about Busch campus. “I have a few classes there but between frat parties, hangovers, and putting on hair gel I never ﬁnd the time,” said random guido who lives on College Ave. A Rutgers ofﬁcial, when asked if he was worried about losing Busch said, “Are you fucking kidBY HANDSOME MORENO CONTRIBUTING WRITER
its dorm buildings. Cook residents could not be reached for comments because no one felt like walking between all that grass to ﬁnd somebody. One diligent and very handsome reporter took the time to make a bar graph to show the fun-work ratio for Busch versus the rest of Rutgers.
Starbucks Cancels All ‘Free Coffee’ Incentives Due to Felonious Infractions Will not Offer ‘Gay Marry in California for a Frappuccino’ on Thursday BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Seattle, WA- Rick Wellinger, Head Executive in charge of Starbucks Promotions issued a statement on Tuesday that suspended the “Free Coffee Day” incentive program indeﬁnitely amidst rumors that the company was rewarding criminal behavior. “After we were committing a Federal crime by offering a free
cup of coffee as an incentive to get people to vote, we wanted to take a step back and review our other programs’ legality” said Wellinger in a press conference earlier today. Although the majority of the promotions centered on legitimate offers such as “Sing for a Free Cup Day” and “Wear (College) Apparel for a Free Mufﬁn Day”, a few incentives seemed to lean on the side of borderline illegal and immoral practices. Among the more controver-
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sial ones, “Slap a Bitch for Toast Day” and “Grope a Member of the Opposite-Sex” were actually the least harmful to others as “Free Pound Cake for Bankrupting Your Company and Ruining the Lives of Your Investors Day” and “Get a Free Norah Jones CD for Every Human Trafﬁcked Week” carry extremely severe punishments. Since the press conference, the FBI has been trying to contact Wellinger but he has allegedly ﬂed the country.
Newz Crewz That Cruize “Dick Van Dyke, ditch the bitches and take me. Now.”
Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
Obama Announces First Order As President: “Force White Folk to Work on Plantations” for what’chu all did. Your names are Toby now bitches. That’s what you get Washington, D.C.- While for voting a black guy in... President-Elect Barack HAHA I still can’t believe Obama is in the process of you actually did that. You gathering his cabinet to- honkys really buy all that gether, he already releasing Hope and Change bullshit. his plans for his term in of- We’ll be starting with the ﬁce. red states ﬁrst beginning In a recent press con- with Kentucky...they had it ference he said, “One of my too good for too long.” ﬁrst priorities as President As a reporter was will be to force all white to ask a question, Obama folk to work in the ﬁeld interrupted, “Did I say you picking cotton as payback could speak! Man...you BY PJ PECKERWOOD CONTRIBUTING WRITER
white devils think you own the place, well now I guess I do...HAHA Gat Gat. But seriously, did you palefaces watch the brotha from the car insurance commercials on 24 and think ‘Oh Obama will be just like him.’ Not gonna happen. I’ma make BET the national channel and force all you racist crackers to appreciate Tyler Perry movies.” Obama also added, “America will learn to love these future classics like
Meet the Browns and The Family that Preys. Now some of you might be axing who I might employ in my cabinet? Well, I’m deﬁnetly thinkin’ Oprah (bitch is rich) and I might hire the funniest Wayans brother, but I have problem deciding on who that is.” Both him and the audience shared a laugh on that one. When ask if he was being serious, Barack replied, “Bitch, did I stut-
ter?” But he was quickly reminded that he was both half-black and half-white. His response was, “Well... ummm...the people have chosen...and umm yes we can and uhhh change and LOOK OVER THERE, BUSH IS DOING SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN!” And with that he ran off the stage as the entire audience turned their heads. Well played Mr. President-Elect Obama... well played.
Recount in Senate Race Reveals Coach Bombay Winner Lawyer Turned Hockey Coach Pulls Off Miracle Upset Over Coleman, Franken BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
St. Paul, MN- Midway through the recount process for Minnesota’s seat to the U.S. Senate, shock has occurred. What was thought to originally decide the winner between incumbent Republican Norm Coleman and humorist, party activist, and Democratic nominee Al Franken, the recount has instead put lawyer, youth hockey coach, former Junior Goodwill Games ofﬁcial, and Independence Party candidate Gordon Bombay in front, with victory looking more and more certain. The reason why there was a discrepancy between the original count and the recount is pretty clear. According to Minnesota Secretary of State Mark Ritchie, “The ballots in Minnesota are basically Scantrons, which require a circle being ﬁlled in next to the name of the candidate.
Apparently, a large majority of Bombay’s supporters had instead wrote on the ballot for the Senate race, ‘Quack quack quack Mr. Coleman, Quack quack quack Mr. Franken.’ Even though there was no name ﬁlled in, we were quickly able to put two and two together.” Bombay’s campaign began out in September as the “fun campaign”. As part of ice breaking activities, his supporters lassoed each other and instead of organizing, they practiced tossing eggs while speaking to potential voters. Unfortunately, these tactics were not working. Bombay struggled in the debates, and was down by 20 points in late October. At a rally of his supporters in the last week before the election, Bombay blasted his supporters for not caring much about the forthcoming, sending despite the fact that they were having fun, they we’re losing big. “We’re not goons,
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we’re not mudslingers, we are just average Joes,” shouted Bombay to his followers. He then shouted to a campaign worker, “What’s you’re name?” That person told his name and location, as did the other 1500 people in the room. Two hours later, Bombay yelled, “I am Gordon Bombay of St. Paul, Minnesota! Even when the two party system crushes down upon us, Ducks ﬂy together! Now let’s go out and win the election!” Even though Bombay’s campaign lacked the resources of the two major candidates, and despite trailing by large amounts in early polls, they had heart and a never say die attitude, relying on such out of the
box tactics as Flying V Canvassing and Knucklepuck robo-calls. They also relied on attack ads accusing the Republican and Democrat of being secret Icelanders. This appears to be the difference maker in such a close, close race.
This was not the ﬁrst upset during the election cycle in this race. Bombay was surprising winner in the Independence Party Primary over public radio show host Garrison Keillor and mad scientist Clayton Forrester.
WEATHER OR NOT
Ah, Good morrow Sir! ‘Tis a ﬁne day for weather, nay? A Waxing Gibbous moon sheds light on your bedroom antics
Thursday Lakitu Will Spiny You Lots Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editors Whats Shakin’ Editors
Friday God is crying...sigh
Paul Winters Colin Fong John Bender Tim Swanson Jake Lewandowski Nintendo Picto-Chat Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Santiago Melli-Huber Abe Stanway
Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Hiatus Smith Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The ofﬁce of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the fuity deliciousness of Fruity Pebbles and how they turn boring old milk into the yummiest candy milk this side of the nebula!
Wednesday, November 9 + 3, 2008
FEATURES BE A MAN!
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The Straight Talk Express Repair Tool-Set
Shirts, buttons, doomsday prophecies, you With all the milage from this campaign, we have a name it, and we got it, so lets show those democrats few of these to spare, and they even come cheaper when in that we can put a woman in before the world ends... used condition, which they all are!!!
What if... Just what if, imagine, WHAT IF...
Vikings Attacked Rutgers Written By Maximus Vaginus Insertus Supremus Staff Writer
Seriously, can you imagine the devastation they would cause. Just picture it. The longship with the viking dragon painted onto the striped background of the sails looking all menacing coming into Rutgers. What, you don’t think that vikings would look menacing in real person. Do you realize just how vicious they are. They would eat your
wimpy asses up and then spit shines their axes, which would be drenched with the scarlet blood of the scarlet knights. Where you will you be then HUH! You wusbags would be standing in one place shitting in your pants thats where. These badass norse men would ride down from the Raritan River in there Drekkar longboats, and we wouldn’t have any defence against them because the crewing team was cut from funding for the football stadium. And you
Yep, Ford made a Maverick. Speaking of Maverick, we at the Medium just realized that in The movie The Mighty Ducks 2 that there is a character in the movie named Mccain in there. Holy Shit good job McCain-Palin cammpaign, you guys got the name out pre-emptively. Twelve years early, I don’t see any Obama’s out there. But why did he lose the election then if he had the Mighty Ducks helping him advertise. That is in addition to the Maverick to our left and all the other uses of maverick.. What does that say about the world huh, that was really random.
all know that they could do was, well, I needn’t go there, we all know that. Besides, by now jokes on how the football team have let us down by now are getting kind of old. But I digress. As I was saying, if vikings came to Rutgers up the Raritan river in their logboats with rape and pillage on their minds then y’all are screwed. But they will have a ball with their balls. Those ridiculous ratios at frat parties lie 5:1 or 8:1. HAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s
a laugh, the whole viking crew would pop in demanding some mead, and those ratios won’t stand. Hell, the fraternity won’t stand once the kegs run out, which would theoretically be half an hour, but in practice be eight minutes. Then once the pillaging ends, the raping begins. These vikings would not be from Minnesota, no these Vikings are of the rape and pillage variety. And boy (or in this case girl, well, bitch really) would they have a ball raping here at
Slutgers. Chances are they would be so struck by the amount of smuzzettes that they wouldn’t know where to start, and would just have to settle for pillaging... Editor’s Note You guys see what happens when I don’t get stuff. Are your eyes percieving this??? Do you want me to go norse on your phat- (sandwhiche)tened asses, no you don’t. So send a submission over to Features@themedium.net and it will be in included...
Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
“Don’t forget Veterans’ D...wait, shit.”
That Was the Election Cycle That Was The 2008 election season was one of the wildest ones I have ever seen. Granted, that’s pretty easy for me to say because this was probably the ﬁrst election I was paying attention from top to bottom. In 2004, for instance, I was only half paying attention to the primary process, and was basi-
Torgo Van Pelt cally saying out loud from
there, “whose the good candidate? Dean? Okay. Hopefully he’ll win. Shit. Well, I don’t care much about Kerry or Edwards, but it would be better than Bush, so maybe we can do it. No. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” In 2006, I didn’t really care until the end, thanks in part due to the failures of 2004 lingering in my head. No, this time I paid attention after the happy ending that was 2006. And I actually had a choice I wanted to win: Obama. Yeah, the lack of experience did scare me off a little bit, but in the end I eliminated the other candidates for nomination one by one and decided to go with him. Besides, the left needs a Reagan. Now, it’s nearly 2 years later, and we have a historical ﬁrst in that the Democrats did not ﬁnd a way to screw up a sure victory. While we are now getting ready for January 20th, let us look back at this past couple of years. Not for the last time, mind you, because I have one or two ideas left to use in the forthcoming issues. But, all the same, this is a good time to look back to see how we got here.
The entire ﬁeld in 2008 was much more interesting than previous years For the Democrats, you had Obama, Hillary, and Edwards as the frontrunners. Obama and Hillary are pretty much (admittedly) broken records, or at least that’s what it seems like after hearing them speak ad nauseam. Edwards-wow, we really dodged a bullet. I was
puzzled by how many people were out there that said, “Oh, Obama and Clinton are empty suits,” and then turn around and supported the ambulance chaser who was the son of a mill worker, and then later became Newt Gingrich 2.0. If there was an order of choices, it would have been probably something like Obama-Edwards-Dodd-RichardsonClinton-Kucinich-BidenGravel. I thought during the process that Biden was too conservative, too tied to special interests and too much of a gaffe machine to be on the ticket. Gravel was so awesome in many ways, but then when you heard what his actual policies were, it was an entirely different story. I saw Gravel speak back in April in Tent State. He ranted about how GE was conspiring to keep him out of debates, and that national referendums were the solution to all our problems. Kucinich was annoying 4 years ago, and he was at the beginning because of the fact that so many people were talking about how he would be the solution to all of life’s problems. I eventually changed my opinions when his naysaying was less grating than previous, and more importantly, having that wife of his and being endorsed by Aragon himself (maybe he got hit on the head a few too many times and thought he was endorsing Frodo?) And he then converted me with his speech in Denver. As for Clinton, she was okay. It was just, I didn’t think the Clinton years were that great and Terry McAuliffeeurgh. The Republican side on the other hand, well, it was nice to see the Republicans struggling to ﬁnd a choice. Jeez, it was so hilarious to see Rudy freakin’ Giuliani as their front runner for a time. Scary as fuck, yes, but hilarious as well. But not as hilarious as the fact that Dr. Ron Paul was actually the best fundraiser, and actually lasted enough that the newsletters he wrote praising David
Duke and other racist shit actually became an issue. His supporters were always hilarious, creating rap songs on YouTube praising the gold standard. It was funny how there so much contempt for Mike Huckabee, not because of his social conservatism, but because of the fact he actually wanted to spend money. Fred Thompson was such a spectacular dud, it still makes one smile. It got so bad, that people tried to make themselves like Mitt Romney, and to be fair there are some things to like about him. Unfortunately, those things are basically he awkwardly bantered with those African-Americans by quoting popular one-hit wonder ballads. In the end, they got the best nominee they could, although they hated it.
I remember talking to my brother about the choices McCain had for VP. I remember how we agreed, that yeah, Palin would not be a terrible choice in getting the base, but her lack of experience would hurt any attacks he would want on Obama. When I found out the choice at work, I think everyone I knew was shocked. Eventually though, the dirt dug was so huge, that I was able to breath. As for the pick of Biden, well, I admit, I can be a big hypocrite sometimes. But at least we now have an Amtrakfriendly administration! After seeing the conventions, I got nervous. I thought the Democrats did great, but seeing the GOP say the stuff they did with huge cheers made me sink in my seat. Fortunately, the debates went great. And despite doing shit like “Drill Baby Drill” and Joe the Plumber, the Democrats somehow still won it. Amazing. Granted, both are not going to go away any time soon (and I think Joe actually wants to run my brother’s Congressperson, so double eurgh), but the fact we got to this point-amazing.
days before the February 5th Primary, a couple of Obama supporters decided to have a rally for him at RU before about 100 people. They were some Congressman, the mayor of Edison, and Bill Bradley-pretty much the only establishment to support Obama in NJ. Meanwhile, my brother’s school had Kal Penn campaigning for him. Heh. So it was weird seeing Governor Corzine and the rest stumping for Obama on campus a couple months later. Weird to see Joe Cryan, who whined (Cryaned?) a lot about the funding the University was getting, now trying to get the youth vote out. And weird to see Governor Corzine suck up to Obama to get the Treasury Secretary position, after months of doing the same with Hillary. But it was still alright. The thing I’ll remember the most about the rally was the College Republicans protesting. They brought a Don’t Tread on Me ﬂag with them, which makes perfect sense given that Saddam was behind 9/11 (hey wait a minute...). And one of them was black; does that mean he curses at himself, attacks himself for doing that, than defends his First Amendment right to do such a thing? I also did a bunch of campaigning for the Democrat running for Congress in my district, Linda Stender. I actually met her once or twice; my thoughts- she’s
really short. Unfortunately, despite all the work, she could not shed the Stender is a spender bullshit, and lost to a Republican, who while better than the previous gopper, is still a Republican. Heck, Obama won Somerset County, but none of the other county Democrats had much luck. On the bright side, seeing my present congressman with an Idon’t-give-a-fuck-anymore Trotsky beard was awesome.
This was probably the ﬁrst year I actually actively watched cable news and it was okay. I checked out CNN during election nights, mainly because I had it in HD back home, and it was great, mainly for John King and his touch screen. I would write more about it, but seeing the Hologram stuff on the 4th makes anything I could write about it obsolete. Mind you, not in a bad way though. Another good thing about CNN was Anderson Cooper. I think he and Rachel Maddow would make a great couple, don’t you? And ﬁnally, there’s Keith Olbermann. I don’t know about you, but it seems weird that the left ﬁnally has it’s own Bill O’Reilly. And now there’s reports that he didn’t vote! You are the worst person in the world. In conclusion, this election rocked. Let’s hope this never happens again.
I have Minor Disagreements about your sanitary habits By Seven McQueen
Guys: Why don’t you do the rest of society a favor and throw a little deodorant on? Or even one better... SHOWER!! Is that too much to ask? Seriously for as many times as you ﬁnd the need to touch your balls, one time with a wash cloth would solve everything. I hope you all go blind, then maybe you’ll enhance your Thinking Locally other senses and be able to I remember a couple smell that horrible creature
that crawled up your ass, died, resurrected three days later, shitted, ate the shit, and then vomited up the shit all before dying again- you miserable disgusting bastards. Oh, and girls, you’re no better. Just because you didn’t eat anything doesn’t mean you don’t have to brush your teeth. Eat a tictac!! P.S. There 0 calories so you don’t even have to throw it up later.
Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
“Fact number one: he hates ALL THE TIME”
I’m Coming Close to Giving Up Alright people. You’ve done it. You’ve broken me. I am now a lifeless husk of a man. Are you happy? ARE YOU HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE DONE??? I check my email to see how much I’ve gotten,
ful things to you, for they are probably justiﬁed in doing so. I even wish them to do so faster, and before me so that I may revel in it. as I was sure it was going to Honestly, why did be a large amount. you guys do it? I can make a You can imagine my comic every week, and you surprise, then, when I ap- can’t spend a few seconds parently received nothing. to scan the doodle you drew Not a single fucking in class and then attach it to thing. an email and then send it to You guys are douche- me? Really? bags and I hate you. I don’t It’s not that hard, blame anyone that does aw- and even if you have any
trouble, you can ask any one of the people working in the computer labs! They’re here to help you, it’s their job. All the stuff I didn’t do was done by the EIC, which is kinda a submission, but to actually claim it as such would be a gross inaccuracy. Oh well, the page is chock full of the same hilarity you would expect from the pre-eminent humor pa-
THE MEDIUM per of Rutgers (if you don’t count the Centurion because those guys are the greatest source of unintentional humor on campus). I’m not so sure about my comic this week, though. I guess it’s alright but I feel like I could have done better. At least it’s better than Pop Culture Shock Therapy. But what isn’t? Cal-En Managing Editor
OFF DA WALL CORNER
THE MEDIUM (Here is a personal personally from me: To the phantom farter on the EE bus on the way to the student center at 5 pm on Sunday November 9th: HOLY SHIIIIIT! NEVER have I ever smelled a worse butbomb!! Stuffed in a corner with no air to breathe but toxic FUMES!!! I almost fuckin DIED! But I somehow managed to survive and now I am psychologically scarred because of it!! AHHHHH! AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!) To my roomate, please do not turn on the fucking tv at 3 in the fucking morning. It’s bad that I have to live with with you and its worse enough that I have to wake up early as fuck but no, you decide watch MTV at 3 in the morning. Don’t you have class or something else to do like SLEEPING than watching the same crappy shit on mtv every fucking day? To the dude who was desperately trying to pick up that chick on the EE bus on 11/5 around 6:30...nice try, but I don’t think that girl wants to have “stunning” babies with you. Its ok. Just ﬁnd someone else. There are lots of girls at Rutgers who are willing to bang you To the morons who sit in the front row of my Intro to Communications class on Mondays and Thursdays. Please shut the fuck up with your idiotic banter. What the hell are you speaking anyway? It just sounds like random noises coming out of your mouths rather than actual words. I see some people are regressing back to chimpanzees. I wouldn’t be surprised if you started eating bugs off eachother.. That girl with the overarching transparent umbrella looked as though she were sticking her head up the pootie curtains of a jellyﬁsh I chipped my tooth on a cookie in the dining hall! IMA SUE!!! *dances liyke maddd* Thinking about the destructive properties of hotdogs gives me oh so massive yet oh so delightful braingasms
The Day the Earth Moved, 2008 “I am the cheese! I am better than the salami and the bologna combined!” I am ofﬁcally startTo that bitch on the REXB. The pimple on my foreing the Grease Truck Did you take a fuckin head is large and pointy! Parking Lot Diving shower in perfume today? I would pop it but it Team. Tryouts will take It smells like Chanel barfed makes me believe I am It makes place on Wedneson you this morning!! a unicorn. me feel HORNEY!! day at 11:30 pm at The (Stop complaining privGrease Trucks. Be there. eledged bitch. At least (well unfortunately for (You think you can confuse you did not have to sit you I doubt you’re gonme with your inside jokes... next to Phantom Pharter! na ﬁnd any takers with a well the jokes on YOU bewhiteOh why...why Jehovah, coneheaded cause LOTS of things conwhy did this have to hap- head on your forehead) fuse me to begin with! pen to me, the fumes are Dear injured girl: despite haHA you got SERVED forever engrained in my what Obama tells you, suckapants, hawhaw, mind! AHHHHHHHH- there is not much “hope” what you gonna do?) HHHHHHHHH!! MAKE for you if you decide to THE WET, FERMENT- jump out your third story To the girl in my class with ING JUICY SMELL GO window in ecstasy over the really pale face, pointy AWAY!! I HAVE AT- his eyebrows, and maroon hair; being elected TEMPTED TO SMASH You look like a cross be(Not to worry. Obama MY FACE THROUGH tween something out will pay for their A WINDSHIELD-- A of “A Nightmare Bemedical expenses) WINDSHIELD OF A fore Christmas” and There is a piece of gum CAR BLASTING MYLEY that girl on “Beetlejuice.” underneath my desk in OrCYRUS slash MONTANA Grow the fuck up and stop ganic Chem, which I like FUCK MUFFIN MUSIC dressing like a goth. It might to secretly fondle every To the creepo who freAT FULL VOLUME, BUT of been cool in high school, class. It is my only derivaquently stands by passion TO NO AVAIL! AHHHHH! but now its just really weird tion of joy in a godforsaken puddle. You think I don’t 2+2 is FOOOOUR! AHand frightening. You’re class where the averknow that you are plotting HHHHHH!!!! the planet in college now. Act like it age grade is a 65% something totally evil... is YOURS! go shaw(Yeah, I mean, it’s not standing around digging I pissed purple! ohmercyme ty, it’s not my birthday. like you’ll get anywhere in your backpack, conwhy? because I just sat (Why in the name of luin life dressing that way... stantly looking over your through the worst-smellbricatedbabboons are you just ask Marylyn Man- shoulder, I know!! I am ing fart in the history of telling me about what your son, or Ozzy Ozborne, or currently lining my dorm EVER!!!! Holy SHITBAR Little Johnny Urine makes? Trent Reznor, or...Fuck, room with lead so that of ﬂying WONDER!!!!! ) Do you think I am a docget me some goth pants, I will be prepared when Seeing the setting tor!? If anyone needs to it’s like the next Ralph you blow up the camsun reminds me of see a doctor it is me after L a u r e n . ) pus... which is not in any her...and saddness... that bus ride... that horway messing with my (Hey, Donnie Darko, do rible bus ride of methane... To the girl in my class who b r a i n . . . s t a c k c i l I you think this is the school’s of always where the sweatDEATH...AHHHHshirt that says “Butter,” You Why is it that fat girls Emo publication?! Be- HH!! WHHHHY???What should change your more often than not have cause if it were it would did I dooooo to deserve name to Cheese instead completely unfat, ﬂat totally be called the Emo- this??? AHHAHHAHHH dium. Emodium A.D.) HHHHHalwayseatyouub To all the people who voted asses. I must know! It for Obama; try looking up the has become an obsession! I have done it! I have agelbites,kidsHHHHHH word “socialism” and read (Well all that weight from successfully braided my HHHHHHHHHHHHH) about it above is ‘more often than nipple hairs! I have been To the kid with large I can’t take these fuckin not’ going generate an carefully cultivating my round hair that looks like rain boots anymore!!! assﬂattening effect when strands for the last two a topiary bush: the curls they sit down, not un- years and now I chosen I see a hot chick and I on your head are so tightthink “seeeeeex” but then like a penny press at this ﬁne publication to ly packed that I wonder amusement parks) publicize my accomplishrain boots make me think just how much crap gets Don’t you feel of small children and I The burger on my room- ment! caught in there. There’s think “arresssssted.” mate’s desk has been sit- s p e c i a l ? ? probably numerous Please, I am a morally con- ting on her desk for three (I feel slightly nauseous...) twigs, bugs, and missing fused man, make it easier days now... I cannot I cannot take Cook/Doug- persons located somefor my mind and touch it because it is not lass ANYMORE! First, I where within that bush. I wear hooker boots mine... I will not touch it was looking out for house must sift through your My friend could not help because I will get in- ploppings, then, I was hair... within it could lie the seit and jumped into a pile fected... but I cannot go watching for the ﬁve pounds crets of human civilization!! Dandruff??) of leaves on Douglass. to sleep knowing that it of ploppings that each (Like could break from its It has been three days and of the hundreds of Cana- (Questions (about my sex I have not seen her since plastic chamber and at- dian geese there make ev- life)? Comments (about I phoned my foreign tack at any moment! ery day, and now I learn I my sex life)? Concerns daughter in a sauna, Now that the election is must watch out for the (about YOUR sex life)? playing contract bridge over I have no idea wa- #2ings of the night-time Send it all in-- as Dave hat to do with this “Vote” streaker from the Newells begs of you over there, I jammed a delicious popsci- pin I’ve been wearing. I Apartments. Walking but I will not degrade cle into my pants and believe guess that I will do the through cook is like walkmyself to doing-- to I have ﬁnally mastered the only logical thing to do ing through a gigantic personals@themedium. art of shimmying down and stick it on my genitals litterbox of patheticness! n e t )
<] : o )
You think you are a clown??
I punch you in the face!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
“My computer sucks me off while I write this page.” (Sometimes we get a per- (This submission is To the broken light of ARC To: Hispanic Women of Rut- To the idiots leaving their sonal that bothers someone, loooooong, so I broke 103. your fucking ﬂashing gers: Why do you feel that it belongings in or near and they do the right thing it up into parts to make is making me catatonic. I is not only acceptable to pick the shower stalls - this and retaliate through the it easier on you, the refuse to let you win by mov- up and start blabbing about is a public-fucking space, Personals page! This ﬁrst reader. being retarded. Aren’t I nice?) ing to another seat. I will utterly stupid shit in the most stop submission is a response to I FUCKING HATE YOU give you one week to stop inappropriate places(bus/ (Here’s what you do. Get a personal that appeared in BROWER! First of all, raping my consciousness, library), but that you need some Rogaine and drain last week’s paper. Enjoy) you completely take next lecture i am bringing a to do so loud as fuck so their soap bottles if they to the fake ass ginger bitch advantage of us poor brick. you have been warned. everyone can must listen have them and replace it with across the hall from me who lazy college students, who de- I’m sick and fucking tired to your utterly worthless rogaine. Laughs for everywrote to the medium last serve to eat someting besides of waiting behind a bunch d i s c u s s i o n ? one in a week when they grow that’s how a chia pet in their pants!) week, yeah i spin folders saltines and ketchup once of fat fucks at the dining hall (Because and books and shit, so what, in a while, and force us to while they spend 10 min- people of lower intel- To the SNES game Sucommunicate.) per Ghouls ‘n Ghosts: why don’t you go blow your pay a ridiculously high fees utes ﬁlling entire trays with ligence mexicano boy toy some for mediocure food. But I enough food to feed a third I BANGED IN FUCK YOU, you’re too more, you’re a fucking cunty guess I can get over that.... world country, and mak- THE STACKS! M O T H E R F U C K I N G whore and no one likes you, or (QQ more, why don’t ing me late for class (In the Library or in Gold- d i f f i c u l t . your whorish roommate who you? Moving on...) in the process. Any- eneye for N64? Actually, To all the people on College fucking tries to hug me every But when you promise me one whos ass takes up come to think of it, I bet Ave./Livingston after we time she fucking sees me, cream of tomato soup, a rare 2 seats on a bus needs to you’re making this up com- found out that Obama won: and also, to the fucking jew luxury I look forward to all go to the back of the fuck- pletely and that you have no The last time that there was bitch that comes in my room month, I want my cream of ing line and let the less friends and never have had such rabid and fanatical deI would have been de- tomato and rice soup Dam- fortunate eat. sex once in your life. Which votion to a leader was in lighted to contribute to mit!!!! Imagine the horror I (This happens to me all the means you ofﬁcally suck ass.) 1930’s Germany. the Medium this semester, experienced when I gallant- fucking time at Brower. May- To the stupid douchebags Keep that in mind. but it just so happened ly pranced over to the soup be they’ll just explode one behind me in General Psych (Dude, I’m the fucking Perthat my professors de- kettle, my mouth watering in day and we’ll have no more that won’t shut the fuck sonals Editor and I think cided to anally rape me anticipation of the whale people getting in the up, FUCK OFF. If you hate that comparison is comwith readings. Ty. rich, creamy, toma- way of us healthy people.) the class + professor so pletely and utterly moronic. (Get your asshole stitched toey soup, opened the P.S: Philadelphia Phil- much, then fucking leave. See if Paxol is right for you.) up and come to one of our lid, and let out a gasp lies 2008 World Cham- P.S. your British accent To the vagabonds that put meetings. This goes out of horror to see some wa- pions! Up yours Mets! impersonations suck shit. guacamole on my bike seat to everyone else too! We tery chick pea shit, geared (I live with a Phillies (I’ll take it you’re either a and katsup on my pedals and congregate at 9:00 PM on at all you faggot ass vegans. fan and a Mets fan. I’ve freshman or sophomore, chain: You’re awesome, Wednesday nights in Room I walked back to my table in had to clean up blood so I’m going to give you a I wish I’d thought of that. 439 at the Rutgers Student defeat, I saw empty bowls, on multiple occassions.) quick lesson about people (Me too...) Center. You know, one of the the remnants of my precious World phucking champi- like that. They’re fucking And to the most magniﬁcent huge buildings across from soup taunting me! Fuck you ons! Up yours Met fans! retarded and have their personals editor who will unBrower. We have candy.) brower, seriously, fuck you. To My roommate, How heads buried so deeply in doubtedly remark about my Last week’s South Park: How are you going to run the fuck do you ex- their asses that their head use of the word vagaEPIC ROFLCOPTER! out of my favorite soup at pect me to do my fuck- comes out of their dick and bond: Please be gentle. To the girl I saw today: one in the afternoon. You’re ing paper when you blast they get tied in a funny-ass (Don’t tell me you shins are wider than all a bunch of fucking the FUCKING TV to MTV knot. Savor that mental im- what to do, bitch.) my fucking head. Lose chinky idiots and college on max volume. I don’t know age, everyone. I think noth- To the crazy homeless some weight you obnox- kids with no self respect. So, how you manage to pass your ing more needs to be said.) black guy on the NYC subious whale of a human. fuck you brower, fuck you classes with that fucking TV Dude, the new WoW ex- way who was screaming, To the group of people be- annoying asians, and fuck on but I can’t. Plus MTV pansion is out the 13th. “I’m voting for McCain, hind me in Roman Empire: I you vegans, you’re the big- is a shitty channel, there’s I can’t wait to gank fuck that nigger Obama!” don’t give a fuck that you’re gest pain in the ass this world better things to watch than lowbies in South- You are the love of all Classics majors, shut has ever seen, and you seeing Paris Hilton choosing shore at lvl 80. my life. the fuck up. I don’t want deserve to be raped her next bimbo or some brat Beware, alliance fags (Everyone needs to have at to hear your innane shit. with a mutton chop having a $100,000 will be doing the same least 1 encounter with a homebirthday party. thing at Tarren Mill. less black guy. So funny.) HEY! YOU! READER! THE HORDE!) (Wow, I thought only 12 year FOR By Dave Imbriaco olds were dumb enough to DOWN HERE, ASSHOLE! Personals Co-Editor watch MTV. Apparently, 12 year olds can get into So you all saw over there that Kaitie and I are very disRutgers now. Either that or appointed with the number of submissions we’ve been What the fuck people? Elections are NOT AN EXwe’re fucked as a species.) getting from you people. You all should be ashamed of CUSE TO NOT SUBMIT PERSONALS! Our inbox was emptier than an Hatian’s stomach this week. Dear Blizzard Entertain- yourselves. Get off your lazy fucking fat asses and send shit to ment: Why do you insist on firstname.lastname@example.org. Send us ANYTHING: feeding my World of War- This week’s question: Why the fuck are you not sendrants, raves, threats, bets, lies, pies, rhymes, scores, craft addiction by releasing ing in Personals? whores, boring stuff, funny stuff, gross stuff, ANY Wrath of the Lich King this FUCKING THING! THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CON- week? My Wii is collect- A. Because you’re lazy CEPT TO GRASP, PEOPLE! Remember, every time you ing dust while I’m busy B. Because you’re scared of us, the all-powerful editors don’t submit a personal, Sarah Palin gets one step closer grinding away in Outland C. Because you’re on your period to being the fucking President. Stop beating your meat trying to get to 70 before D. Because you’re boring and/or stupid (or roughing up your clam) and send shit in! -Dave the launch. It doesn’t help E. Am I making myself clear? From Kaitie: I fucking hate you all regardless of what that you also steal $15 from you send in so please do not worry about wheth- me each month. Stop suck- Send responses (and submissions) to er or not your shit will please me. However, I would ing my soul away or I’m email@example.com. I hope I don’t have to do not mind if some of you would stop asking me out!) getting Sonic Unleased. this again, or I’m getting the cane out...
THE WHAT’S SHAKIN’? Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 MEDIUM On Campus On This Day In History “You’re so funky! I’m so funky!”
November 13th - Evade Detection, Not Infection: How to Live with the Rut and Still Get Mad Ass 8:30 p.m. in the RSC Multipurpose Room Presented by the Cultural Unity, Not Tyranny Society
44 B.C. - Julius Caesar becomes the ﬁrst man to get shank’d, nigga 1492 - Columbus celebrates the ﬁrst Fourth of July 1629 - Pancakes invented when the Pillsbury Doughboy tries to shit after having a paddle shoved up his ass - and not the handle end, either
November 17th- Polish up your resume with Gerik Rålakowski Refreshments served - there will be pierogies and kielbasa! LSH B-103 @ 7:00 p.m.
1847 - Sir J.Y. Simpson invents chloroform, because sometimes there just isn’t any other way.
1987 - Kasparov beats Deep Throat
November 14th - Quaker to commence overstocking all graneries in Massachussetts in anticipation of the impending state-wide demand of steel-cut oats due to decriminalization of marijuana.
1992 - Steve Irwin reinvents himself as the Crocodile Hunter after being reportedly inspired by indie porno, “Croco-Do Me”
November 16th - President Perry of the Peter Pan Peanut Butter Co. predicted to prounce recall of the popular product “Peppernutter Pouches” after recent outbreak of palsy and anal ﬁssures.
1994 - Dennis musters the courage to text Amanda for the ﬁrst time in two weeks 2008 - Fuck! Registration started yesterday?
Georgia O’Keefe Painting of the Week This work is entitled “Ice Cave.” It has been said to express the emotional solitude of a woman who has replaced affection with lust. After realizing her fatal error, she becomes a sad shell of her former self. Looking deep into the painting could cause you to overcontemplate and fall into a dark blue void of pure genit- excuse me, genius. Plunge inside the world of O’Keefe’s mind and peer around at the intellectual pleasures waiting for you. Don’t take our word for it - art is interactive; it must be experienced, its many crevices explored. Excuse me?
No, this one doesn’t pass the smell test. Because it smells like a vagina.
SPOTLIGHT: THE FORD COMPANY “Ford conducted rear end collision tests on the Pinto in December 1970, months after it was already in production.” -It would have cost Ford an extra five dollars per car to safe-ify them all! “100 people have died in various collisions involving Crown Victorias, including 30 police officers.” -Break out the bud! No busts today! “By conservative estimates, Pinto crashes have caused 500 burn deaths to people who would not have been seriously injured if the car had not burst into flames.” -Wow! What a hot deal! Get yours today: www.forddrives.com/500
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