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NOVEMBER 4th 2015
Volume XLX Issue VIII 50¢ THANKS OBAMA!
AREA SCHOOLS TO DECIDE WHICH CHILDREN TO LEAVE BEHIND BY DR. TOSSED SALAD "HARD" CANDY
NEW BRUNSWICK—Last week, President Barack Obama decided to repeal the No Child Left Behind Act, a piece of legislation that ushered in a new era of standardized testing in 2001. Upon hearing this news, New Brunswick school staffs hit the meeting rooms to section off which students were no longer worth their time and therefore will be left behind. “We used to have to spend so much time preparing every one of those cocksuckers for these standardized tests. We prepared them for the picture prompt writing, simple algebra...Goddamn, was it boring!” explained former fifth grade teacher, now Assistant Superintendent Jennie Josephson. “Have you ever had to read twenty shitty stories about a family playing with a Frisbee while next to a lake?” finished up Josephson, shaking with the memories of having
ROTC Cadet Won’t Shut Up That He’s in ROTC Man Among Men Finishes State Quarter Collection WineTasting Student Doesn't Spit, Swallows
"IT HURTS TO GIVE IDIOTS GOOD GRADES!" Thomas DePaolo, a local educator, never anticipated he'd be on the giving side of grade inflation after graduating the School of Engineering.
to force herself to read stories about picnics. “You see, the reality of No Child Left Behind is that most children are boring or way too weird,” stated President Obama when addressing the press last week. “I can’t stand having a conversation with my own fuckin' kids, I couldn’t imagine having to deal with a class of 25-
30 regular nitwits.” And nitwits they are, as the majority of kids cannot even pass a simple fucking test because of their lack of smarts, finished the President. And with this decision, there are now ten children up for vote in the New Brunswick Elementary Schools, two per grade to decide which will be left out of the loop. Continued on Page 2
PUMPKIN SPIKED
UNIVERSITY DECIDES IT WILL NO LONGER PARTICIPATE IN FALL BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
P I S C ATAWAY — A t approximately 7:15am Sunday morning, President Barchi announced that Rutgers University will no longer be participating in Fall. The fallen leaves are being collected and the leaves still remaining on the trees are to be painted green, to the dismay of many students. “We’re tired of students running around and frolicking about in the leaves. It’s annoying,” said Barchi in his announcement. “We really don’t like to see students enjoying themselves, especially around this time of year. They’re
QUICKIES
supposed to be inside the libraries studying and pumping themselves full of stimulants. Instead, they’re out enjoying the weather and posting pictures of campus on Instagram or Twitter
or whatever the fuck kids use these days. It’s got to stop.” Cassidy and Christina, two Rutgers students and lovers of foliage, expressed outrage Continued on Page A7
PENNILESS Since 1970
Michael J. Fox Loses Millions in World Series Betting Targum Calls for Arrest of Dan "Leary" Fox News Looking For Outspoken, Biggotted Interns "Fucking End Already" says Nation weary of Republican Debates Cruel Vegans Murder Millions of Innocent Soybeans
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NEWS
“Do you want some of my ass-cream sundae?”
A HARD SELL
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WELCOME BACK, CARCASS
Dickhead Joins Fraternity BY CAILLOU SOUL SEARCHER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Sources report that a local dickhead recently rushed Rutgers fraternity KWK. Richard Long, 19, was born with a major physical disfigurement, causing his entire head to not only be shaped like, but also function as, an abnormally large penis. "Yeah, my life has been pretty hard so far. Don't get me wrong, it's not without its perks. Like, if I'm at a concert and I can't see, I'll just think about naked women and BAM! I can see over everybody!" Rich recalled. "But everywhere I go, kids would make fun of me. Adults would want to compare sizes. Hell, I can't talk to my own grandfather for more than five minutes before his eyes glaze over and stare longingly at my head with his mouth watering." That kind of discrimination and prejudice, however, was not displayed at KWK. "I like to think that we have a very kind, accepting, even progressive community here," stated fraternity president Willy
Dillard. "All the brothers were incredibly respectful of his appearance ever since he came in. We understand that there is absolutely no hugging while Richard is 'excited,' no 'noogies,' and no more viagra parties." "It's been pretty dope having Rich around," KWK member Chad Chett said. "Like, it's always been a real problem in our house, not knowing if there are any dicks just flopping around open in the air. But with Rich, we'll always have a penis just lying around in the open." Even sorority girls have displayed no less than the utmost respect for Rich. "Oh yeah, I met Dick—I mean Penis—I mean Rich, uhm, the other day. Why?" Brittney, local sorority girl stated. "Yeah, he's so nice and hard... I mean strong. I heard he plays guitar and works at the animal shelter. He's just so... Wow. Y'know? Wait, why are you asking me? Is he coming here?" Recent reports state that in order to fully become a member, Rich will have to prove his loyalty to the frat and become circumcised.
CALL ME THE REVEREND. SEND MONEY AND [YOUR RESPECTIVE DEITY] WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH ALL YOU DESIRE IN LIFE. FOR EXAMPLE: AN OFFICIAL MEDIUM "BROALA" T-SHIRT AVAILABLE FOR ADVERTISEMENT
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Wednesday, November 4th 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Matthew Fastiggi Fratypus
Colonel Rutgers Exhumed for School's Anniversary BY SAWYER SNOOZE EDITOR
PISCATAWAY—To mark the beginning of the sestercentennial anniversary of Rutgers University, a Kickoff Celebration will be held Tuesday, November 10 on the Old Queens (not the bar) Lawn. At the event, the recently-exhumed body of Colonel Henry Rutgers will be presented for public display. Rutgers, the University's namesake, died in 1830 but stayed active even when life no longer flowed through him. His body was moved from its Manhattan burial site and it hopped around, lost for over 140 years, according to Wikipedia. Back in 2007, his grave was rediscovered in Brooklyn and just last week, his corpse was moved again, to a display case currently on the second floor of Livingston Dining Hall. This location, which no student has ever been able to access, was opened to reporters last Wednesday. The corpse of Rutgers was severely decomposed. He looked nothing like the man
in the pictures but the event organizers insisted it's really the Colonel. Reporters were even encouraged to interview Rutgers to confirm his identity. The conversation went as follows: "Colonel Rutgers, how are you today?" "..." "Totally, can't complain. Are you impressed by how far the school has come since you donated $5,000 all those years ago?" "..." "I get that you don't want to take credit and there have been larger donors, but you saved the school when it was at its nadir, about to close. Don't you think that counts for something?" "..." "Well your silence is extremely humble, thank you for your insightful comments. It was an absolute pleasure." The school said that once they're done using the Revolutionary hero as a prop for their own purposes, they will re-bury him to give him the peaceful rest he deserves for another fifty years.
OH! A "BROALA" SHIRT? WHY, THAT'S THIS HOLIDAY SEASON'S TOP GIFT! AVAILABLE AT: TINYURL.COM/BROALA because he keeps trying to drink milk through his elbows and William Johns, a third-grader, “Right now, the front who believes he is “Toad” from runners are: Mikey Liver, a the Frog and Toad book seies. third-grader, who has a passion The list only gets more and more for breaking pens and rubbing depressing when you realize the the ink on his penis, Lexie valuable resources which have Youngblood, a second-grader been spent of these lowlives. who always wants to paint Only time will tell which pictures of Joseph Stalin in Art of these lucky five “rays of class, or Larry, a two-time fifth sunshine” will soon be cast off grader, who refuses to accept that into the dark abyss of getting the he has a last name, because ‘one textbooks with pages missing, name is enough’,” shared school but it cannot come soon enough, nurse Patty McDonald. Other since the kid who still cannot candidates are Christopher tell the difference between Valdes, a fourth-grader, who multiplication and division has to wear elbow pads to class needs more attention ASAP. SCHOOLS
...continued from Front
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Daniel Leandry
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Vacuum Cleaner. The sex position, not the appliance. Look it up and do it to your biddy.
Wednesday, November 4th 2015 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“WAIT.... EVANESCENCE BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE??”
TWEET TWEET
Who Said It: Donald Trump or Kanye West? BY GRIND ALL
Donald Trump and Kanye West are hands down the most ridiculous people to ever grace the world. Luckily the internet gives them multiple platforms to display their most inner thoughts. Not really surprising is how similar they are. So here you have it, a list of tweets from good ol’ Trump and Kanye. Try to guess who tweeted each. 1. “My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.” 2. “I DO NOT HAVE AN INSTAGRAM…” 3. “Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight” 4. “Get rid of all these commercials” 5. “Not smiling makes me smile” 6. “Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” 7. “The doors may be heavier, but I promise you WE WILL BREAK THEM” 8. “If you wanna have a drink with me, book a table at the spotted pig when I’m back in NY”
WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY
PRETTY RACIST
Great Uses For a Chinese Roommate BY CAILLOU
1. Math. Duh. 2. Learn how to cook! Hope your asshole likes Szechuan! 3. Refine your passive aggressive tendencies. Language barriers help bury our feelings. 4. Thanks now I don’t need to bring MY rice cooker… 5. Math again cos your dumbass forgot. 6. Their basically like Mr Meeseeks, created for a singular purpose. Chemistry. 7. Their pussy goes sideways just like their power plugs. Lookin at curvy dick. 8. Save money washing your two shirts in the bathroom! 9. They make sure that you don’t bring pets in the house. Hope your asshole likes Szechuan! Shout out to the Busch homies because let’s be honest, if you’re relating to this you live on Busch. Stay out of the gas leaks that are plauging the area. Peace out bitches.
WAIT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LEARN HERE
Seven Great Places Around Rutgers to Do Coursework BY MARKENSCHITZETEL
Thursday: So you have a ten page paper due a week from now? Excellent! Now is the perfect time to get started so you can write it in easy, manageable chunks. Spend time browsing Reddit in Alexander Library as you bask in your confidence of getting at least part of it finished today. Friday: So, you didn’t actually write so much as an introduction because you were too busy browsing fucking Reddit the whole time. That’s fine. That’s fine! You have the whole weekend ahead of you to do it. Now isn’t the time to worry about it- instead, pop by The Knight Club for a quick round of shots. Just don’t drink too much, because you definitely need to start on that paper tomorrow. Saturday: Fuck. Aaahhhhhh fuck. Ok. Ok, no, you’re going back to bed. The fuck time is it? 3 PM? Fuck it. Shit. You’re going straight to the Grease Trucks and back, that’s it. Sunday: Ok! You still have this entire day to write at least half of that paper! Why not use a change of scenery and fresh air at Voorhees Mall to inspire you? Here we go! Monday: Alright, so a whole paragraph, huh? Geez. Well, today’s kind of wasted because you have two classes at the ARC, which basically sucks half the life out of you from all the collective Engineering Major anxiety permeating the air. You’ll just have to do it after 9.
ANSWERS TO TRUMP OR KANYE: 1. TRUMP; 2. KANYE; 3. TRUMP; 4. TRUMP; 5. KANYE; 6. TRUMP; 7. KANYE; 8. KANYE
Tuesday: What, like you’ve never been tired and went to bed early? Ok. Haha. You only have two days left, but you know what? It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine! Might as well do it all tomorrow all in one burst of energy. Take a break at the Livingston Spa.
HOPE YOU LIKED THAT SHIT KIDS
Wednesday: It’s all a capitalist scam, I tell you! This whole institution! Making students slave away on impossible assignments, and for what? A useless degree only useful to work at Dunkin Donuts at the Douglass Student Center because old people ruined the economy? FUCK the system! You REFUSE to contribute to the bourgeois! Bernie ‘16! Bernie ‘16! Bernie ‘16!
COME TO OUR MEETINGS AT THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER AT 8 PM ON WEDNESDAYS AND WE AREN’T A BUNCH OF PUSSIES LIKE THE GREEK KIDS SO WE WILL HAZE YOU IT’LL BE FUN! ALSO SEND ME CONTENT AT THEMEDIUM. FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
Thursday: Contemplate your newfound realization of your own mortality after spending all night struggling to bullshit so many sentences together at CAPS, Rutgers’ free psychiatric services. How. How do people find the will to live. What is the point of any of this. I’m failing my classes. Next Week: Ten Places That Accept Employment Applications from College Dropouts
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 4th, 2015
“...And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those Mettler kids!”
SCARLET KNIVES
I’m The Real Victim BY KNIFE
Other victims of violent crimes understand what I’m talking about. You’re hoping to spend a quiet evening by yourself, and suddenly you’re involved in a stabbing. People talk a lot “not blaming the victim” these days. It’s like they say, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, why does nobody ever talk about the knife? As the weapon in a stabbing, I’m as much subjected to the trauma of the assault as anyone else. Where’s my safe space? Where’s my RU-TV interview? Where’s my Knife Lives Matter rally? I was hard at work, cutting horsemeat in the Brower kitchen when I was kidnapped and held against my will. I was held in a dark backpack and then a dorm room for 3 days. Then, my captor reached into the drawer where I was kept, and grabbed me with his greasy hand and shoved me in his back pocket. He began the fateful walk to the lobby of Mettler; exchanged words with another kid, and then pulled me out and proceeded to stab him. It was terrible. I felt like screaming apologies to the poor kid as I slid into his flesh, but obviously knives can’t talk. I didn’t want to be part of this. I’ve never seen such violence in person. Its disgusting to think that there are knives manufactured for stabbing people on purpose. I tried to make a CAPS appointment but was turned down on the grounds of being a knife. Can you believe the sheer discrimination going on at this school?
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How are you?
“I’m alright!”
Andrea Billings Has Somewhere to Be
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Don’t Want To Offend the Pledges BY BRODERICK BROWN
Fucksake man, I don’t know what to do. After three semesters of bullshit positions, they finally elected me Pledge Educator. But I don’t know what to fucking do, man. You see, we have this one Indian, I’m sorry, Indian-American, pledge. No, not Native American. Like, actually from the Indian Subcontinent. Anyway, I’m trying to promote, like Pledge Class unity, right? So I yell at the little fucks. But I feel bad, like, if I yell at Pledge Gupta, like, he might get offended. And then if he tells his parents, it’ll be all over. Like, I’m trying to be politically correct here, but sometimes the class is doing pushups and I just feel bad. So like, I tell the kid to stand up, dust himself off and go grab a soda or something. One time I sent him for a slice of pizza, and I just gave him $50, and told him to keep the change. I don’t want to end up like that SAE chapter.
I Just Want To Be Hazed Equally
BY ABJIT GUPTA I’m not sure what to do. Here we are, five weeks into pledging, and I feel like I’m not pulling my weight. The Pledge Educator keeps going easy on me, and I’m really not building the bonds everyone else is getting. Fuck man, I just want to be yelled at, “DO YOUR FUCKING PUSHUPS YOU LOW CASTE BITCH!” Instead, Brother Pledge Educator just excused me. Like, fuck man, I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. I hoped pledging would at least keep me in shape. Brother Pledge Educator always has creative insults for the other pledges. The Jewish kid is “Shlomo.” The kid with one eye is “Fetty Wap.” Fuck, I just want to be called “Brownie Bite” when I fuck up. Is that too much to ask? I just want to be part of the pledge class. Last week, he gave me $50 for pizza and told me to keep the change. I waited around for a rupee joke or something, but nothing. Just awkward silence.
REAL FUCKING AD
“Oh man, I don’t know, things are kinda rough, I’ve been depressed and such over school... Sometimes just waking up is a challenge itself.” Alan Dorfer Sucks at Small Talk
“I’m good, you?” Sarah Middler Pretending to Care
This week’s Graybox ad submitted by Aiden Martel, age 13, of Highland Park!
“cum to our meeting lol” Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center, Wednesday nights at 8PM
Wednesday November 4th 2015
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ARTS
“You couldn’t pay me to use Bing.”
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JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. DICK OF THE PAGE: DICK CHAINEY
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PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 4th, 2015
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“My ears are numb just like my ice cold heart.”
Housing Yo
Halloween Aftermath
My roommate’s and my conversations usually consist of “I mean...” and “OMG do you wanna...?” (So basically what you’re telling me is that you’re both airheads?) To the bitches who scream outside Richardson apartments every night: shut the fuck up already. I moved to Busch because I thought it would be peaceful with all you fucking nerds living around. But no. Instead every night I have to hear how OMG you can’t believe that other person did that thing.
Next Halloween if I go as myself, will I technically be going as Kim Kardashian? (Not unless you also have jizz on your face.) Boys who dress up as bananas are clearly overcompensating.
(I doubt boys who dress up as bananas even know what overcompensating means.)
I didn’t see any minions last weekend but I did see at least three Donald Trumps. And I tried to fuck one of them.
Anything’s Possible
LISTEN UP
(Possibly. But you don’t even wanna know what will happen if they find out about your fake ass.)
Yep, I finally went out for Halloween for the first time in my college career.
If I wear a David’s star necklace and hang out with Jewish girls can I go on a birthright trip?
I wonder if I’ve ever met a person who’s ever made a lyric video on Youtube. (Lyric videos were all the rage in 7th grade. Oh and the lyrics were always wrong because 7th graders can’t spell.) I’m still waiting for the day that I find out that Stevie Knicks is actually my biological mother. (Cool, just make sure you acknowledge that you were a mistake.)
(What kept you from accomMy rooommate wouldn’t plishing your goal? Did he get out of the shower keep shouting “We’re gontoday until he sung the na build a wall” the whole time? Or did you come to entirety of “Touch My your senses when you reBody” 3 times. alized you’d fuck someone (I’m more disturbed by the who probably genuinely WTF Walmart? fact that you didn’t join in.) thinks Trump would make a great President?) I ordered a fucking bed frame from you in the HEY GUYS BUY OUR SHIRTS. beginning of the gawd JUST WEARING ONE WILL AUTOMATIdamn school year, and CALLY MAKE YOU FUNNIER. it was fucking shit. So AND HELP YOU GET LAID. I fucking returned the fucking bed frame and Love youtself and buy one. ordered a new one...that tinyurl.com/broala was less fucking bullshit. Joke was on fucking me, because I fucking went to pick it up and some fuck told me that it isn’t there. Funny because it said it would be there on the internet. So I fucking go back the next day and get the same message. And then I return for a THIRD TIME. I wait for 50 min for someone to help me at the Pick Up desk, and then a woman, after making me wait another 20 min, told me that they were fucking doing inventory and my bed frame has been here since Wednesday in a truck in the back, but not being unloaded because of the damn inventory. YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME THAT THREE FUCKING DAYS AGO. So I go back the next day. Sometimes we do Improv stuff. And get the fucking bed frame and you sick So come to our meetings fucks laughed at me. GERRRRRRRRRRRR. Wednesday 8PM (Tbh I stopped listening CASC Room 439 after the fourth iteration of “fuck.”)
DOES THIS MAKE ME COOL NOW? (Please say yes.)
Girl Trouble
Anyone Listening?
Last week this girl was rubbing her ass on me while on the bus. And it was just a really hard ass and not pleasureful at all.
How come my voice decided to go all meek the second I opened my mouth today? I talked multiple times in this class so it’s not like I am scared of speaking, so what the fuck? I should have just kept sleeping.
(I felt bad for you up until you said pleasureful.)
Crap, I’ve been telling this girl I never go out (What I think probably happened is that your brain got or do anything just betired of your voice.) cause she says the same thing and I just keep dig- To my friends, I know ging myself deeper and we’re all 21 now, but can deeper in this hole. Well, we chill with the going in the end I hope it leads out? Like bars are reme to getting deeper and ally shitty and you’re all cheap anyway and won’t deeper in her. buy drinks so what’s the (I predict that in the end point? you’ll only end up deeper and deeper in your own (Oh come on. Bars are hand. But at least you have shitty but hey where else two!) are cheap, broke college students supposed to find their Goals sugar daddies? Going to bars is purely business moMy life goals are pretty tivated.) much: get a dog and eat Anyone looking for a pizza. pet baby echidna?? My (So pretty much just be a brother found him, and college student the rest of if we can’t give him away your life?) the shelter is gonna put Last night I fell down the him down!!! Message me stairs while high. It was for deets :))) trippy. (Echidnas are fucking hid(I want you to know that eous dude no one wants to you were the only one who adopt that thing.) thought this was funny.) Nobody wants me to Rutgers has successfully make music ‘cause they managed to suck out my all think it’s shit. soul through my wallet. (You mean they all (None of us have souls any- *KNOW* it’s shit.) more because Barchi sucked them out and fed them to the football team. Along with all of our money.)
(I think I’m still hungover from last weekend.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday November 4th 2015
“Freshman tip: don’t get stabbed.”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
HOW DID YOU SPEND HALLOWEEKEND
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BRAIN TEASERS FOR THE BRAINY TEASE By The Lost and Found Box 1) The distance from the sun to the earth is 92.96 million miles, while the distance between mars and the earth is about 225 million kilometers at maximum, and finally, light travels at 299,792,458 m/s. Now, presuming the earth had a reflectivity index of .42 and assuming that the light does not scatter completely passing through the atmosphere of the planets, how long will it take for you to realize how much you’ve fucked up your relationship. Jesus Christ, you really destroy everything didn’t you? Maybe you’re just better off alone and miserable. 2) The membrane potential in a resting neuron is -70 mV. When excited, the neuron depolarizes due to a shift in ions into and out of the cell. If you were to increase the concentration of potassium outside of the cell while simultaneously voltage clamping the cell to a voltage of -120 mV, then, at a peak concentration of 50 mmol you suddenly depolarize the cell, clamping it at 100 mv, when did you think you were gonna fucking tell me her body was in your trunk? What the shit do you mean it was an accident? I’m not going to fucking help you hide the body, I don’t want to be on the next fucking season of Serial.
IF NOT FALL, RISE? YEAH I’D SAY FALL
CAN YOU SPOT THE ERROR? IF NOT THEY GOT THE NAME WRONG
...continued from Sports
at the university’s decision to abolish fall. “We walked all the way to the Voorhees Mall from, like, Mettler to get the perfect Instagram picture. We already had our outfits picked out and everything. This is literally so rude,” remarked Christina. Cassidy was unable to comment, because she was choking on a “normal” latte that was decidedly not festive enough. Both Starbucks locations on George Street and Livingston are suffering after being expressly forbidden to sell anything with pumpkin spice flavoring. The University’s President is standing his ground when confronted by anyone who opposes the decision. “I’m really not sure what the big deal is. In any case, I really couldn’t give less of a shit what anybody else thinks of fall. This is not a time to be having fun,” remarked Barchi. When it was pointed out to him that we can’t just have no season, Barchi simply shrugged and said, “I don’t care what you call it, just don’t call it Fall. There will be no leaves falling, there will be no apple picking, and there will be no Thanksgiving dinners.” The Medium has no idea what to call this strange new not-Fall season, so it will be left it up to the readers. In the meantime, enjoy the library.
MORE BOOBS
LIKE US ON FACEBOOK DAMMIT FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM DAMMIT GO BUY OUR SHIRTS DAMMIT COME TO OUR MEETINGS DAMMIT IF NOT DON’T EVER COME BACK ACTUALLY PLEASE COME BACK COME BACK I MISS YOU I’M SORRY!!!!!!!!!
november 4th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com FOR FANS SEARCHING FOR A REASON, HERE IT IS
FLOOD ON LACK OF QB CHANGE: 'I WOULD, BUT I FORGOT MY PASSWORD' BY SHREG GIANO
PISCATAWAY, NJ— Rutgers is a school starved for good quarterback play. The polarizing play of the talented but frustrating Gary Nova tortured a fan base desperate to see their team burst onto the national scene, especially after joining the Big Ten conference. The struggles at quarterback this season have continued with current starter Chris Laviano. Laviano led an embarrassing offensive performance by Rutgers against Wisconsin on Halloween. Backup quarterback Hayden Rettig, on the other hand, has played well when given the chance. It has people in and around the program wondering: why won't Flood make the change and start Hayden Rettig going forward? "Uh, it's a long story," said Flood when asked the same question following the 48-10 loss
to my Gmail account with the google sheet file with our depth chart. We have a process here at Rutgers and if I don't have permission to edit the depth chart then Chris is going to stay our starter," Flood explained, his head dipping slightly in an apparent display of shame. "Seriously though, what kind of shit is this? I can't even get my password emailed to me because this is the only email I have on file. And hell, my security question is 'when will Rutgers win the national championship?' but I can't bring "THAT EXPLAINS IT" myself to type 'never' even If Flood indeeds never regains access to his email account, he will though I know the answer." go down in history as the only college football coach to be implicated in two When asked if he fears his moronic incidents pertaining to email in the same season inability to execute a quarterback to Wisconsin on Saturday. "The seems to be developing slowly. change will cost him his job, evidence is right there in front As a result, teams are plugging Flood quipped "Well if I can't of me: Chris can't really throw the box and our once potent run open the email with the notice to anyone not named Leonte game is also stalling. Yeah, I'm of my termination I guess I'll be around a few more seasons huh? Carroo. He has played poorly in not blind. all but two games this year and "But I forgot my password Hashtag smugface!"
What to Watch For: A 2015-2016 NBA Preview
1. Carmelo Anthony: We all know he’s a great player, but quietly he’s become a great bitcher. He’s a sleeper candidate for All-NBA complainer of the year 2. Knees: ACL tears are the norm, and this year I’m predicting at least seven knees completely leaving the bodies of their players. D-Rose has been bearing this burden for years now but it's time some other players stepped up and sacrificed their knees once in awhile 3. Babies: Around 2500 babies will be born out of wedlock to NBA players this season. With salaries set to take a massive hike after the salary cap increase, it seems these babies will at least be able to get an iPad mini with child support money 4. Mark Cuban: Sources say Cuban has about had it up to here with everyone’s bullshit and is planning on taking a shit midcourt during a game before the All-Star break 5. Utah Jazz: Just a solid team. Could actually make the playoffs this year. Really nothing dramatic going on here. Just watch them if you like basketball 6. 25 Token white guys who are not very athletic but hit the occasional 3 and play tough defense will be described as "scrappy"
Women's Soccer Holds Defensive Clinic, Invites Giants BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON
PISCATWAY, NJ— An unlikely gathering took place on Busch Campus Monday evening. The New York Giants, fresh off surrendering fifty two points to the New Orleans Saints in a 52-49 defeat, came out to listen to and practice with Rutgers Women's Soccer team. The Scarlet Knights have surrendered the fewest goals of any team in the nation this season, giving up just five all year. Their play has been in stark contrast to a New York Giants defense that ranks near the bottom in nearly every statistical category, including opponent's scoring. "There are people that call what we're doing unorthodox. But the gap between our sports isn't what we focus on. The bottom line is these ladies know how to play defense and we can't stop a dude with no ratio from entering a party. We
ready for the b1g time SINCe not yet
need all the help we can get," Tom Coughlin told reporters during his weekly Monday press conference. "We aren't so much focusing how football strategy as we are the concept of defense in general," added Coughlin. "You know, this idea of defense being for the purpose of stopping the other team, that sort of thing is what these ladies are teaching."
"THE CONCEPT OF DEFENSE" Erica Skroski has been named Big Ten Defender of the Year. She was eager to explain what that meant to clueless Giant's defensive players during the clinic on Monday