This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue ix
november 3rd, 2010
YOU THOUGHT YOUR MIDTERM WAS HARD...
OBAMA WINS MID-TERM ELECTION, DESPITE OVERWHELMING ODDS BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
WASHINGTON—Following intense campaigning by Democrats, Rebublicans and Tea Party Conservatives, the midterm elections have allowed American voters to express their interest in how their nation will be managed in upcoming years. Their decision: let Obama stay. As early as Tuesday morning, pollsters have been saying that President Barack Obama will remain in the White House for the next two years, at least. “This was an easy election for the American people, in terms of the presidency,” said White House spokesperson Amy Garuglio. “When push came to shove, they knew Obama was going to be here for a few more years.” Garuglio went on to discuss Obama’s two year continuation plan, which includes finishing plans already established in the first two years of his administration, and the respect Obama
HUMBLED AND HONORED
The Presidential Incumbent greets supporters at a rally in Chicago had for his opponents while conservative universities. campaigning. "There is no reason Obama “I am very happy that no shouldn't be able to serve two threats or bad-mouthing was more years, barring some terridirected at me during this mid- ble tragedy ," said Brandon Mcterm election,” said the Presi- Grath, a sophomore at Brigham dential Incumbent. “I am also Young University majoring in happy that the election went Religion.. "Even then, Biden will smoothly and without much take over his command no quesprotest.” tions asked." Indeed, very few organizaObama will be moving his tions are protesting or asking things out of the White House in for recalls in light of Obama’s January, at which time he will be victory. Not even students at sworn in and then unpack.
Scott Hall Seems More Like a Steve Freshmen attending lecture in Scott hall this week noted the distinct sensation that the building definitely felt more like a “Steve” than a “Scott.” “I would have guessed Steve for sure, or maybe Brian. I’m just getting a more ‘Brian’ vibe,” student Kevin Hoopes remarked.
why all you have to do is make your driveway a bit smaller!" Others disagree, including the hellfire preacher right out-
side the College Avenue bus stop who impresses upon all passers-by that Jesus was actually the Messiah, and that they "better rec’nize'" before they meet their doom in eternal
HUNTINGTON ST—As the hours passed calmly by a reclining, video-gaming Jason Scharch, it became increasingly clear that today wasn’t looking like the day he’d get a haircut, and that tomorrow probably wasn’t looking too good either. “I don’t know, man,” he said, brushing the hair lazily from his face. Friends of Scharch were saddened, but remained unsurprised. “I don’t even know him anymore,” one said. “He looks like fucking Justin Bieber.”
Student Dressed as Eric LeGrand Wearing Neckbrace Gets Ass Kicked at Party
"I interviewed a bunch of students that were at the party," said RUPD Officer Mike McCallahan. "But none of them saw flames. But Goodman brushes all anything. They were all in surcriticism aside. “Look,” he said, prisingly good moods though." “this Chabad is the biggest one one on the Busch Engineers Dee a s t e r n vise Algorithm That seaboard. May Lead Them to If he’s c o m i n g Talk to a Girl anywhere, "We want to avoid another 'prethe’s com- ty lady in the library' incident," ing here. said Datta Patel. "We built a And god- model female with voice recogd a m m i t , nition software and realistic feaif I build tures but it was stolen over the the man a weekend. We think the janitors helipad, it took it." behooves him that TODAY'S he take a WEATHER mother fucking helicopter.” There is no word on whethLook out the er his helipad meets the energy fuckin' window, standards dictated in the Third dipshit! Heavenly Seraph Conservation Congress of 1997.
CHABAD TO CONSTRUCT HELIPAD FOR MESSIAH
COLLEGE AVE—The Rutgers Chabad house has just announced its plans to construct a two-hundred square foot helipad on top of its already sprawling facility, to spruce things up a bit. “The little burrito eaters were taking way too long to finish building that massive west wing we just added,” commented Rabbi Baruch Goodman. “I figured He would probably come before they were done.” The move has sparked controversy among the rabbinical community, who hotly contest how the Messiah will arrive. “You schmuck!” yelled rabbi Benoit Mandelbrot. “Isaiah 11:10 clearly references ‘saplings and branches’ which are both green which means the Messiah is coming in a Prius and that is
NEWS QUICKIES
Haircut Delayed Indefinitely
ROFLCOPTR
BY ABA SABABA PHOTO EDITOR
50¢
Still hungover from this weekend ESTABLISHED 1970