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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly

Volume xli Issue ix

november 3rd, 2010



WASHINGTON—Following intense campaigning by Democrats, Rebublicans and Tea Party Conservatives, the midterm elections have allowed American voters to express their interest in how their nation will be managed in upcoming years. Their decision: let Obama stay. As early as Tuesday morning, pollsters have been saying that President Barack Obama will remain in the White House for the next two years, at least. “This was an easy election for the American people, in terms of the presidency,” said White House spokesperson Amy Garuglio. “When push came to shove, they knew Obama was going to be here for a few more years.” Garuglio went on to discuss Obama’s two year continuation plan, which includes finishing plans already established in the first two years of his administration, and the respect Obama


The Presidential Incumbent greets supporters at a rally in Chicago had for his opponents while conservative universities. campaigning. "There is no reason Obama “I am very happy that no shouldn't be able to serve two threats or bad-mouthing was more years, barring some terridirected at me during this mid- ble tragedy ," said Brandon Mcterm election,” said the Presi- Grath, a sophomore at Brigham dential Incumbent. “I am also Young University majoring in happy that the election went Religion.. "Even then, Biden will smoothly and without much take over his command no quesprotest.” tions asked." Indeed, very few organizaObama will be moving his tions are protesting or asking things out of the White House in for recalls in light of Obama’s January, at which time he will be victory. Not even students at sworn in and then unpack.

Scott Hall Seems More Like a Steve Freshmen attending lecture in Scott hall this week noted the distinct sensation that the building definitely felt more like a “Steve” than a “Scott.” “I would have guessed Steve for sure, or maybe Brian. I’m just getting a more ‘Brian’ vibe,” student Kevin Hoopes remarked.

why all you have to do is make your driveway a bit smaller!" Others disagree, including the hellfire preacher right out-

side the College Avenue bus stop who impresses upon all passers-by that Jesus was actually the Messiah, and that they "better rec’nize'" before they meet their doom in eternal

HUNTINGTON ST—As the hours passed calmly by a reclining, video-gaming Jason Scharch, it became increasingly clear that today wasn’t looking like the day he’d get a haircut, and that tomorrow probably wasn’t looking too good either. “I don’t know, man,” he said, brushing the hair lazily from his face. Friends of Scharch were saddened, but remained unsurprised. “I don’t even know him anymore,” one said. “He looks like fucking Justin Bieber.”

Student Dressed as Eric LeGrand Wearing Neckbrace Gets Ass Kicked at Party

"I interviewed a bunch of students that were at the party," said RUPD Officer Mike McCallahan. "But none of them saw flames. But Goodman brushes all anything. They were all in surcriticism aside. “Look,” he said, prisingly good moods though." “this Chabad is the biggest one one on the Busch Engineers Dee a s t e r n vise Algorithm That seaboard. May Lead Them to If he’s c o m i n g Talk to a Girl anywhere, "We want to avoid another 'prethe’s com- ty lady in the library' incident," ing here. said Datta Patel. "We built a And god- model female with voice recogd a m m i t , nition software and realistic feaif I build tures but it was stolen over the the man a weekend. We think the janitors helipad, it took it." behooves him that TODAY'S he take a WEATHER mother fucking helicopter.” There is no word on whethLook out the er his helipad meets the energy fuckin' window, standards dictated in the Third dipshit! Heavenly Seraph Conservation Congress of 1997.


COLLEGE AVE—The Rutgers Chabad house has just announced its plans to construct a two-hundred square foot helipad on top of its already sprawling facility, to spruce things up a bit. “The little burrito eaters were taking way too long to finish building that massive west wing we just added,” commented Rabbi Baruch Goodman. “I figured He would probably come before they were done.” The move has sparked controversy among the rabbinical community, who hotly contest how the Messiah will arrive. “You schmuck!” yelled rabbi Benoit Mandelbrot. “Isaiah 11:10 clearly references ‘saplings and branches’ which are both green which means the Messiah is coming in a Prius and that is


Haircut Delayed Indefinitely




Still hungover from this weekend ESTABLISHED 1970



Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

"Don't put your fingers in the cat's mouth. No, it does not like it."



VOORHEES MALL—In an attempt to seem more receptive to student feedback on conditions at the University, President McCormick left his sanctuary at Old Queens last Thursday for what was supposed to be a 24hour day living the campus life. His day began at 7:00 AM when he was awakened by his iPhone alarm. He hit snooze several times before realizing he only had 10 minutes to make it to his 8:10 AM class at Scott Hall. He skipped his shower, threw on a Rutgers hoodie and ran out of his mansion to the stadium to board a comfortably empty A-bus. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. These buses seem fine to me,” he stated. Upon his late arrival to class, he was appalled that his professor was marking him absent, and that he would receive no credit for attending class that day. “Well, what the fuck did I come here for then? It’s an 8:10 class, have some compas-

sion,” he argued with the professor before leaving the room. McCormick’s next stop for the day was Brower Commons for breakfast. He enjoyed what he thought was Beef Sausage and Cream of Wheat before finding out it was actually mislabeled Vegan Sausage, and extra runny underprepared powdered eggs. He then was unreachable as he

took his customary Brower Hour at the dining hall restroom. Next, he went to the College Avenue computer lab at Records Hall to check his temporarily assigned Eden e-mail. He was surprised to find 5 reminders for assignments all due in 2 days. He didn’t have time to work on them though, because it was time to go to his work-


Christie contracts with Noah to recommence ARC project

in exchange for a condo in Cape from its predecessor, such as its Cod and I'm like, 'I ain't promis- ability to transport commuters across the Hudson completely ing you no land.'" free of carbon emissions. TRENTON—Repairing There remains some New Jersey's crumbling logistical concerns to be infrastructure just might resolved before the projtake a miracle. ect begins, namely the time Faced with a flood of table for the Arc's construcstate debt, Governor Chris tion. Christie recently made the "I don't know, we've got difficult decision to cancel a couple different forms of plans for the ARC projdocumentation here," said ect. Thanks to friends in Isaiah Lucas. "Some are sayhigh places, however, the ing it'll be built in 5 years, trans-hudson river tunnel others56, and I've got one is back on. heaping text telling me he's "I almost forgot about gonna take 120 years." this guy," said Christie of Regardless of the length the man he contracted of completion, Christie has with. "He gave me his busiexpressed great eagerness ness card a little while in recommencing the projback when I met him at A dove arrives to tell Noah that the ect. a bar. I was saving it for "As a state, we're struglegislation passed... a rainy day. God knows his rates were lower than that MoUnder the direction of gling just to keep our heads ses guy." Continued Christie, Noah, the new Arc project fea- above the water. This guy's our "Guy wanted to part the waters tures remarkable improvements ticket to a new beginning." BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER

Editorial Staff Fall 2010


Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor

Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson

News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak

study job at the Livingston Student Center. McCormick waited patiently at the Student Activities Center bus stop for the LX, but was unable to squeeze onto the first two busses that came. A third bus closed the doors on his wrist as he tried to pull himself in. Upon the arrival of a fourth bus, an LXc, he screamed, “I am your president!. Move or I will expel you all!” Several angry students began to flip McCormick off. He eventually boarded the bus by the front door, but was told to get off by the bus driver because he was over the yellow line. The angry president then yelled, “Shut up and drive before I call the INS.” The president could not take anymore. After nearly falling twice, and having his brand new Air Jordans stepped on numerous times, McCormick got off the bus at Beck Hall, and called for his car. He then went back to his mansion to weep, and decided to never speak of the incident again.


'Skinny Vinny's' Renamed 'Obese Todd's' BY LI'L BIT STAFF WRITER

COLLEGE AVE—Skinny Vinny’s pizzeria has recently announced plans to renovate its Sicard Street location. In addition to expanding the restaurant to include more tables and chairs, the manager of the campus hotspot, Vinny, who planed to retire later this year, released a statement yesterday that ownership of the eatery was being turned over to his husky younger brother, who up until recently “just sat in the back like a dumbass and ate cheesy bread.” In an effort to reflect the change in management, the new store has been tentatively renamed “Obese Todd’s”. Moments before leaving his shop for the last time, Vinny was overheard shouting, “Serves the fatass right. I’ll be in Cabo if you need me!” Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor

Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Jack Knight Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the deer that decided to wander about the College Ave. dorms on Sunday night. If it had any knowledge of monetary value, I would have paid it $20 to smash through the Brett Hall lounge with its antlers.


Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

“All we are is dust in the wiiiiinnndddd”

Trotsky’s Advice 2.) Don’t pick Indian food as a first date. No one is going to want for Guys to make out with you after that I have a lot of guy friends, and get asked for advice on a regular basis. Here are some useful tips, off the top of my head.


If you really want to get a girl to like you, make sure you don’t walk into her room, lock the door, pull your pants down, and say “I know you wanted to see it.” Especially if you’re not well endowed. I mean, come on. Maybe that works one out of every 237.5 times for a one-night stand, but that’s about all that technique is good for.


3.) If a girl is screening your calls, or blatantly hesitant when you ask her out, NEWSFLASH—she doesn’t like you! Move on, and stop being a whiny bitch about it, it’ll do you good. 4.) Don’t take a girl to a dark, creepy field where drug dealers run rampant to “go star gazing.”

Stay tuned this semester for more tips that will be sure to get you laid, or at the very least help you not get bitch slapped!

Medium Words of the Week Anchor Phoning:

A behavior that entails giving one’s number to a person and refusing to move until the proper number given shows up on the other person’s phone. These fuckers make it impossible to give fake numbers.


Verb, when one jizzes into his hand and slings it at his girlfriend, wife, asshole roommate, etc. Example: “Dude, I totally Spider-Manned this chick last night.”

The recent announcement of Justin Bieber’s new nail polish line, to debut in winter 2010-2011, has received much attention among teenyboppers and men questioning their sexuality. So much attention, in fact, that the teen star decided that he would launch some new lines. Why fuck bitches and get money when you can sell millions of bottles of nail polish just because they have your name on them? Justin Bieber knows business. The first, a makeup line, is expected to be finished and in stores by the end of 2011. It includes products like “One Less Ugly Girl Red” lipstick, “Baby Baby Baby BLUUUEEE” eyeshadow, and “Eenie Meanie Green-ie” glit-


“Mischief Awards”

I Ate a lot of Candy before Writing This. My investigation into the fiscal scandals at Rutgers has come to a brief intermission this week as my informant, Pearl Diver, has been busy looking for the little man in the boat. Apparently, he’s the “key” to this whole operation. For the meantime, a lot of shit has gone down at Rutgers. Well, I mean, the usual stuff that happens around Halloween like partying, excessive partying, and costumes! This past weekend I saw some pretty damn awesome costumes. So I’d like to share with you the In-Shane-iak’s first annual Mischief Awards. Funniest Costume: The Breathalyzer Test Guy at Alpha Sigma Phi. Just imagine where the straw was to blow into… Scariest Costume: The Fat Guy dressed like a Girl at the Trucks. I think it was a costume…maybe it was just a girl…I don’t know… Sexiest Costume: Myself, dressed as an Anarchist Sorry ladies, better luck next year… Congratulations to this year’s winners, especially myself. Being an anarchist isn’t easy. You have to ignore the rules and just be all

libertarian and stuff you know? For example, this past Friday night I wanted a Fat Knight from the trucks. So I thought, “What would Chomsky do?”

First – Stop being a pussy and

walk to the front of the line. Second – The next time a Fat Knight is offered out the window, claim it, even though someone else probably ordered it. Third – Pay, let him keep the change. Fourth – Walk away and enjoy your sandwich. In summation, fuck lines, get food. Try it out and I hope it works for you because it’s worked twice for me so far. The last piece of advice I can offer my fellow Scarlet Knights is to VOTE. Now, I’m not referring to those NJPIRG guys sitting outside in desks with tissue boxes that say “Vote Here.” I’m talking about The Medium. If we ask you to vote for something, like I did last week… then please fucking vote! Zero votes are insufficient for making a hip, color-coded pie chart like I wanted to have this week. So vote, or fuck you! Thanks!

ter eyeliner. But that’s not all. So in the coming years, exBieber’s line has all of the essen- pect a lot of new merchantials you need, like concealer, dise from Justin Bieber. He’s blush, lip gloss, and brushes. here to stay, unfortunately. You could just buy drugstore makeup in the exact same colors for less, but because it’s Justin Bieber, you will gladly fork over the extra money. Next is Bieber’s lingerie The Braber (above) will attract screaming crowds line, which will be put off unof girls who, sadly, don’t have tits yet. So kiss mah ass! til December 2012. Hopefully RAD!VERTISEMENT the world will explode before any of us have to lay eyes on Bieber brand lingerie. The lacy, frilly undergarments will feature Bieber’s face. If that isn’t creepy enough, it is rumored that his face is on the inside of the bras and panties. See the Braber (Left). The lingerie will be sold in Wal Marts nationwide, where trashy moms will buy them for their tweens. I heard from a reliable source that he could be coming out with assless chaps as well.

Submit to



Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

“Cute things have taken over my life”

BRO, WANNA PLAY? The Medium From the Collected Writings of “Why I Hate Everyone” By: Connie Chiwa Wants YOU!! Seriously, I hate goI mean, beer pong ing to a party and I see could be fun, it’s social, people playing pong, and they’re like WHO’S UP NEXT? W H O ’ S Y O U R PARTNER? THIS IS A *TOURNAMENT!* Shut up. I came to this establishment for free beer, not to play an Archived Archive Photo. organized sport. You should un- you get hammered while derstand that much by making new friends. But if I see a game going on now.

and I don’t get a friendly, compliant response to “can I play winner?” I will put a threepronged fork up your butthole. “That’s right ladies, just hang out over there, we men are in the middle of a very serious game that defeats the purpose of par-

*Beer pong tournaments are le ghey.*

The Medium’s First Comedy Show on November 15th! Are You Funny? Funny Looking? Like to See Funny People? E-mail to reserve a slot NOW!!!

Expose Cold Weather Blues A Haunting Post-Halloween being “Old Man Jenkins.” BY: ApostroSHE STAFF WRITER

Cold Weather is horrible. It limits my wardrobe and impedes my ability to wear cute shoes. For people wearing glasses the cold presents another issue; foggy classes. The second you step outside the fog blocks the wearers ability to see, and prompts those with the wearer to insinuate the wearer must be thinking ‘steamy’ thoughts. Plus the bitter cold makes people with short hair have very, very cold necks if they forgot to grab a scarf. The slush created by early snowfall makes both driving, and walking to class more of a chore than getting ready in the

morning. The streets filled with either overly confident college guys in crappy cars, or overly timid college girls in perfectly safe cars, makes the morning commute unbearable. Plus, every sane person (like myself) leaves a few minuets early and the parking places that are normally open due to commuting stragglers, are totally full, and despite your early leave time you still arrive 5 minuets late to class and only have half the given time to finish a pop quiz. And Rutgers refuses to close the campus. This is what we have to look forward to, Rutgers. I say we head for the southern hills…I plan to take spring break early.

opinions@ Rant, Rave, and Retaliate

Send in submissions and see YOUR name in print!

By: Reverend Holy Fuck STAFF WRITER

There are really not many things that New Brunswick does right. Parking, Cable-vision and sobriety for example, are things New Brunswick tends to do horribly, horribly wrong. So it’s no wonder that Halloween weekend is one of the few times where Rutgers reverts back into it’s minimalistic self and full on embraces the one thing it’s does best: alcohol. Now at this point you maybe thinking- “Hey now, that statement doesn’t make any sense.” And you’d be dead fucking wrong. I meant what I said. I purposely didn’t say Rutgers was good at drinking because that would imply that self-control, moderation and high levels of tolerance. Look, I watched what could only be described as a dangerously over-capacitated EE bus packed full of guys in homemade 4loco costumes chanting, “fuck you” for no god damn reason. Alcohol. I saw a sexy Ninja turtle make-out with what appeared to be Paulie D in a child’s penguin suit. Alcohol. I witnessed the entire Scooby-Doo gang tripping balls and accusing everyone who passed them of

Alcohol. People, I watched my friend who clearly just ripped the insides of a giant toy lobster out, climb inside it and then proceeded to punch strangers in the face with his plush claws! Alcohol. Alcohol. Alcohol. Last Friday I was being normal i.e. shitfaced at a bar when I ran into Tyler Durden, Wolverine and Abe Lincoln. What were these three doing? I’m not entirely sure. It may have something to do with the girl passed out in fetal position at they’re feet but I’m just guessing. So naturally I kissed Tyler Durden (because really… who wouldn’t?) and handed Lincoln my business card (I’m not sure why I did that) all while my friends started a fight with Wolverine. To be fair, my friends were concerned for the girl and felt the need to be good citizens. Though “Hey, she looks roofied” may not have been the best phrase. Normally alcohol in New Brunswick is sad and pathetic. Some guido throwing up on a Saturday night isn’t funny but watching some bro ironically dressed as “the Situation” puke his brains out is hilarious. Two negatives always make a positive. That’s just science.

Cute Things Right Row


This week there was a Cute Thing tie. Ehud and Amy, two veterans of The Cute Thing, are equally matched, as I’m sure you will agree. Puppy Submitted By: AMY Bunnies Submitted By: EHUD

Edwinsday, Ovnember The 3, 2010


“The Fear is too damn high - but the Sanity is just right”


My Super Awesome Adventure at the DC Rally By The Staff “That Guy” ... You Know, The Guy, With The Thing

For most people who go to see a live taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the best they can expect is a funny intro, an interesting guest and maybe an appearance by Stephen Colbert. Well on the day I happened to be in the audience, not only did Colbert come to banter with Stewart, but Oprah decided to make an appearance. At this point I’m thinking, “This is one hell of a day to have gotten tickets, I better tell my News Editor who turned down my offer to join me that he missed a great show.” Then, suddenly, I experienced what can only be described as “An Oprah Moment,” when she told us to look under our seats for a surprise. That’s right, Oprah was sending all of us to D.C. for the Rally weekend. I finally got a present from Oprah, and I didn’t even have to be on Oprah! The trip to the rally was amazing. Anyone who’s ever ridden the NY Subway knows how it can sometimes be like riding a cylindrical port-a-potty, but the DC Metro, as expensive and unreliable as it was fast, was carpeted. Yes, carpeted and clean and robot friendly, as I rode alongside Bender “Bending” Rodriguez to the Mall. As we approached the Mall we were greeted with tea partygoers offering actual tea, groups of families from various states and countries, ironic signs, the chillest old people offering food to the crowd and a makeshift hippie drum circle. Every person in attendance was a perfect model of civility; smiling, laughing, doing the wave at the instruction of the Mythbusters. And at the end of it all, Stewart made his case against the “24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator” that has accelerated irrational debate in this country and led to his organizing the Rally. Despite the inevitable misconstruing of his words, one hopes that Sanity does indeed prevail.

Oprah’s gift to The Daily Show’s Audience

This kid went around climbing trees like a boss

The Flying Spaghetti Monster graced the DC Metro

The one and only Bender “Bending” Rodriguez

We saw many witty signs, this was one of them

Submitted by Joveem Caintic of The Rutgers Democrats

In the future there’ll be healthcare and flying cars for all!



“The Nosker is like ten times better than Chuck Norris, any day! Really, think about it.”

Rules for Life

1. Don’t Text While Driving An Ambulance. Then, Who Would Save You??? 2. Tell Your Mom You Love Her 3. Don’t Use A Propane Grill In Your Dorm Room. Really, Don’t. 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!! and the brand new HALLOWEEN 2010: THE AFTERMATH


To the Guy in the Banana costume who got on the F bus, You are fucking awesome. I want to see you fall and do a banana split! But seriously, you were pretty hot. :) To that girl on the bus dressed like it was Halloween in September, GET A CALENDAR, YOU MORON! HALLOWEEN IS IN OCTOBER SO STOP WEARING ALL THAT BLACK SHIT AND THOSE CHAINS. To All The Frat Houses- if you play Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync at your parties I will suck all your dicks till that shit turns white. (Considering that most of the frat houses are white boys, I’m pretty sure it won’t take too long for that.) Why were all the girls dressed as sluts?! Shouldn’t they be dressed as something they’re not? (No, you see... Sluts dress up as slutty ‘insert noun here’. The non - sluts dress up as regular sluts.)

Wednesday, No means No-vember 3, 2010

to the girl who recently cut her hair who i always see riding the REX B, your really pretty, i thought i should let you know (I was going to put this in the creepy section because first I thought, “her boyfriend probably didn’t even notice that so you must be creeping hard. Stalker.” Then I thought, “her boyfriend probably didn’t even notice that, so you must be creeping hard. Crush!”) Dear Boys of 48, How you doin’? Love, Your Pretty Friends. To the hot, fit, ethnic girl teaching her friend how to belly-dance in the Cook/Douglass Rec. Center Thursday night...sup? ;D I totally would have stopped in to say hi and potentially learn some of your sweet dance moves, but I didn’t want to interrupt you while you were helping your friend. Next time, please belly-dance on your own so I don’t have to think twice about coming in to talk to you. - That tall, jacked white guy who stared at you while passing by. =)

CREEPY Dear WebMaster, Every Monday and Wednesday (and particularly Wednesday, September 29th) I’ve admired you from afar. I like your glasses and think you’re funny. I hope one day to admire you up close and *personal*. Signed, Your Secret Admirer! (Normally, I’d have something witty to say here, but I just swallowed a turkey and ham Subway footlong in like 5 minutes, and my stomach is hurting.) To the pigs who broke up that kid’s party because their neighbor yelled “fuck the police”: I fucked the kid who yelled that. Trust me, you would have liked it. Don’t get mad - get laid. (WHAT? Know what - fuck it. NEXT!) To DONKEY, put some clothes on, ya manwhore. Fiona To the musclely ginger boy I see everywhere: Why are you everywhere!? Like, how is that even possible?! You’re always everywhere!! (Just FYI, If everywhere you go, you see a person inexplicably, chances are, they are stalking you. I recommend you look into that.) to the blonde waitress at the rutgers club, we never said bye to you! so bye, you cute girl. (And I prayed to God to give me one final creepy one, and he delivered. Good thing about producing this page on Sunday evenings!)

THEM THERE BE FIGHTIN’ WORDS to the ru “public safety” assholes, half the fucking cook housing staff doesn’t even bother to fuckin show up, so don’t ticket us for using 3 of their 30 god damn spots (Boo-hoo. You did something wrong and got a consequence. OMG they are so horrible. They probably will feel so bad after reading this.) To the girl in Tillet Computer Library, It’s 12 midnight. I am trying to complete a paper due tomorrow morning. Please shut down that disgraceful sound emanating from the computer that you like to call “music.” Not only is it rudely distracting, but it makes me want to smash the computer screen on your head. Use headphones next time, you inconsiderate bitch. (First of all, what the hell is the Computer Library. Second of all, I feel your pain. I hate inconsiderate bitches with a passion. Makes me want to strangle a kitten.) To the dumb fuck that remotely restarted my computer at Tillet Computer Library at 2am when I was so close to finishing my expos paper cause you were conducting a routine checkup, I now have to rewrite what I lost and this shit is due early tomorrow morning. Thanks for the computer shut down, now I hope your major organs do the same. Fuck you, you rat bastard. (What is this Computer Library. And CTRL+S!!)

other shit. To the Asian chick near the Busch Suites the other night, Thank you for furthering the stereotype that asians can’t drive by parking your car in the middle of the road without so much as your hazards on. It’s not like there wasn’t a parking lot with a ton of space right next to where you decided to stop, or anything. To that idiot who wrote that Op-Ed on the Targum, wrong paper dumbass, maybe you should have wrote that crap to the centurion, where other dumbasses write retarded shit and people with common sense would just wipe their ass with. Hey dude, You know everyone outside the window can see you, people that work there too every night. I really liked the small Asian chick taking a huge black dick all the way up her tight asshole. Sometimes we gather. You’ll eventually get kicked out but hey, keep it for now, we’re enjoying it. (Addressed to a library patron watching porn. I don’t know what to say. I don’t really care. Do you, bro. I mean, I guess you are, though, so nothing to say.) To the equestrian girl on Facebook: apart from 8 inches, there’s not much more a horse can add to your already pitiful lives. Stop saying your fucking horse is the only thing you can ever trust, strap on a saddle, and let me ride you.

STICK EM’ UP! GIVE US YOUR DOUGH! ...But only if you want. But why wouldn’t you? ADVERTISE WITH THE MEDIUM

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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

“Nothing says “I love you, moron” like a marching band.” CLASSES




To the kid in Network & Info Tech; stop creeping on the man of my dreams. Thank you. To the kid with the big ears in ITI 111; Please just do us all a favor and shut the fuck up. To the dude in my App Research class: I was seriously taking the wine class until I realized you’re also going to take it...being drunk around you scares the hell out of me. To the girl who told our professor to slow down with his slides, thank you. The professor goes through slides quicker than LeBron lost his popularity in Cleveland. Way to be assertive. Love, Principals of Bio class. (Fun times in Cleveland TODAY!) To the only man in my Women & Gender Studies class who was talking about how Hitchcock had mommy issues; You are the gayest man I have ever met. To my Web Design professor; Your accent makes CSS suck a lot more than it actually has to, and I think that you are kind of scary. To the TA in my Internet & Info Environment class; Please come back. You where the only reason why I decide not to skip that horrible class. To the girl in my math class on Busch; You dress like a schoolmarm from the 18th century. I have no idea how you managed to get engaged. (Math class on Busch... wow. That’s pretty specific.)

Why do birds come to Livingston to die?! To the guys on Jones Ave who where screaming at 3 in the morning; My term paper thanks you. To Abode Reader, I don’t think I am ready to make that kind of committment yet. Please stop nagging me.

Dear cuntastic freshman bitch, Thanks for literally shoving me out of the way to get on the H bus last week. And as if that wasn’t good enough, it was wonderful to have to stand next to you the entire bus ride hearing about your faggot boyfriend and how little you know about life and college and shit. YOU ARE THE REASON EVERYBODY HATES FRESHMEN. GO AWAY. To my roommate; I don’t want to sound like the bitch I know I am, but I am glad you broke up with your loser boyfriend...and I also think he might have been a little confused about himself. To the asshole I saw roughing up his girlfriend in lot 104 on Livingston campus Sunday morning: You are a disgusting waste of human life. I hope one day you rough up the wrong girl and she burns off your cock. Oh, and I love how you started to hug your girlfriend after you caught me staring at you mid-crime; nice, like I didn’t just see you drag this girl around your car, throw her to the ground, and throw her purse into the street. I hope you die (Nothing says I love you more than domestic violence...) To the girl who was sleeping on the grass outside on the CROW house on Halloween; That’s not a good idea. To that girl of Facebook who has three different names; You somehow made me hate Miley Cyrus more than I thought was humanly possible. To the girl who got all huffy when I didn’t say thanks for when you opened the door for me in Murray Hall; Clearly, you did not see the fact that my foot was in fact, broken. Its called not being a complete asshole.

To the blonde waitress at the Rutgers club; We never said bye to you! so bye, you cute girl.

I know for a fact that the guy I am stalking actually has class on Thursdays...I know things. I know lots of things. To my Algebra professor; I have no idea where the fuck your accent is from, but it you are probably the only person who can make algebra marginally funny with your magic accent from nowhere.

To the guy i just saw breeze by the SAC on a segway.... wtf wtf hahahaha (Yeah, that guy is also a douche. He almost runs people over. He fails at life.) To the crippled scooter girl, BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I saw you bust ass!! Are you tired of hearing RU (insert stupid fucking phrase here)? Because I really fucking am, and every time I hear it I want to strangle an Asian. (R U Racist?) To the girl in my class who said she was fish; No one thinks your hair color choices are cute or funny. You’re just a really sad attention whore. Fucking text boxes.... To the guy on the Weekend 2 bus who fell off his seat while he was sleeping; Thank for making my bus ride enjoyable. To the RUPD officer who asked me if I was drunk; I wasn’t, but I was so stoned out of my mind that I think you might have been floating at some point. Thanks for letting me drive home (All they care about is writing tickets. Not actually enforcing law or anything like that...) To the guy who was rollerblading down College Ave on Halloween night dressed a a clown; I had no idea whether to be really amused, or just really, really scared. To whoever came up with the idea to give our class a impossible term paper; I hope you go play in traffic on George Street. No one knows. No one.

(That is probably the most romantic personal I have ever seen...) Dear Prez of Stonier and VP of Jameson; If you two eye rape each other anymore I’m gonna tell you both to find a room and screw. You both are fucking sexy, have fun and get busy already dammit! To Asian Morrissey: I walked a pace behind you at the staircase. You had no real way of knowing...I assume, because you didn’t hold the door open for me you fucking dick. (This is probably because no one at Rutgers really gets the whole, “How Not to be an Asshole” concept.) Dear Hot-Soccer Player, Dayum, thank you for making my mornings on Livi AWESOME when they are otherwise sucky days! You are the sexiest guy I’ve seen in a LONG TIME because I’m constantly surrounded by yuck-faces and doucheholes. =] Your body is phenomenal and whether you’re doing side from obvious soccer practice, keep it up. One day I’ll get up the nerve to talk to you and show you how much of a ‘big fan’ of yours I truly am. ;) -XOXO (Awww stalker love :) How cute!!!) To the guy on the F bus who looks like Hair Metal dude from the 90’s; I hope your court case went well... To the ginger man at work; I never have, and never will love you. In fact, I don’t think anybody ever will because you are so clingy and annoying. Good luck with you fictional girlfriend, because that is probably the only action that you will ever get in your life.


To the dude at work; I am convinced that you are a member of the Beastie Boys. To the guy who called me a whore on Halloween; I would have taken you seriously if you where not dressed as a Teletubby. To the two guys who where dressed as Rivers Cuomo and John Lennon; Thank you for getting into a fight. Now I can die. To the dude dressed as Deadmau5; I want to have your babies. To the preacher spreading his christian bullshit next to the Hickman Bridge, I know you heard me preaching Darwin as I walked by, and for the record, those people who were “engaging you” were actually mocking you. Seriously, you’re telling your fictional stories to a bunch of science majors. Why don’t you go do Christian things, like blowing up abortion clinics and slaughtering native people? (Or you could just join the CSA trip to Africa...) To Mr. I Have Options; I know for a fact, that you do not. To RBK; You should probably know that everyone at The Gibbons bus stop didn’t think you were actually funny, just really, really pathetic. You’re fame is over, and you just look like a retard. To the gangstas by the WRSU office on the fourth floor of the RSC; I really don’t know what to say, but based on how you all sound, I think I know why someone decided to give you all a radio show...I am so jealous. To the guy who actually had the balls to knock on my door on Halloween; I am not sure what possessed you to go trick or treating when you looked like you where about 30, but you scared the fuck out of everyone in my house. Just stop.

Or just email them to if you actually want to see them here and be IMMORTALIZED IN PRINT FOREVER!!!


Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

“This is voodoo!”

Horoscopes vs. Fortune Cookies FREE FOOD!

11/3- Rutgers at USF Game Watch @ Livingston Student Center - “free snacks and drinks provided.” This could mean anything but probably includes the staples involved in watching football. Probably chips, dip, soda, the usual. Not a bad way to watch the game. 11/4-RUPA’s Poppin’ Thursday’s @ Livingston Student Center (1:00PM) -Although it caused me physical pain to type that event name, it does include “FREE popcorn and toppings.” Not sure what to put on the popcorn but it sounds yummy. 11/4-Zone Late Night @ Livingston Student Center (why are these all at the LSC? Does it know Livingston has been forsaken by God and needs events?) - “Complimentary ice cream cones.” Who doesn’t love ice cream? Communists, that’s who.

I don’t put a lot of weight on horoscopes or fortunes but I admit that they’re interesting. So I designed an experiment to see how the Targum horoscopes stacked up against fortune cookies from the Busch dining hall. Here I included my predictions for the day and results I collected. (note: these are REAL Targum horoscopes and fortune cookies) DAY 1: The first day was disappointing as the predictions do not match. In fact, even taken alone neither the horoscope nor fortune make sense.

DAY 2: Both were incredibly cheery and made me feel awesome! I did end up having a great day with friends too! Maybe these predictions do know a little something. DAY 3: The horoscope made it seems like those around me are just acquaintances. The only solution seems to be leaving my friends for “something more fun.” The fortune assures me I’ll have friends anyway.

Finn and Jake love The Medium!

DAY 4: I think this horoscope is addressing my feelings of loneliness after dropping all my friends. But I will follow the advice and not talk about my feelings. I’ll just have to protect myself with a smile. DAY 5: I had a great response to my ideas today but I don’t know if the other person was just a voice in my head. Is this the “new friend”? I notice how mocking the smiles on the fortunes look.

You should too!

See The Medium in color! Rutgers Student Center Room 410, 8PM

We like new people! Help us write articles! Be cool!

You’re already in! Font keeps getting smaller! I’m shrinking! HELP ME!!

DAY 6: The horoscope knows my goals to run The Medium. But what is “the shortest possible” way to do it? Could it mean murder...? No...there’s no way... DAY 7: The Targum wants me to take the next step but I can’t accept the proposition I heard in my head. Could I eliminate the editors above me? I’m also convinced the smiley faces are staring at me. DAY 8: Today is the day to make my bloody move against the Editor in Chief position. Yes fortune cookie, I do think I’ll be sleeping well.

The Medium 11-3-2010  
The Medium 11-3-2010  

The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University