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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliii Issue IX
November 14th, 2012
LALALALA, ELMO'S RAPE
REPORT: KEVIN CLASH TALKED THROUGH ELMO DURING SEX
BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
SESAME STREET—In a turn of events that shocked the nation, Kevin Clash, the puppeteer most famous for creating the character of ‘Elmo,’ has been put on leave by Sesame Workshop after he was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a minor. The victim, who was sixteen at the time of the accused relationship, reported that he began the relationship with Clash seven years ago and reported it to Sesame Workshop, the company that produces ‘Sesame Street’ seven years after the incident occurred. “It was a bit intense the first time it happened,” said the victim, who at press time did not disclose identifying information. “I bent over and prepared myself and all of a sudden I heard this high pitched voice saying: ‘Elmo wants to be your friend.’ I looked up and I saw that he had put the puppet on his hand and was talking with
HAND (JOB) PUPPET Kevin Clash was caught accidentally Tweeting this selfie to all of his 23 followers
it. Then he mounted me.” The victim has gone on to report that during trysts, Clash would often adopt the Elmo persona while giving and receiving oral and anal sex. The victim has alleged that on at least on occasion, Clash and the boy would have relations just before the puppeteer would go onto the set
to film Sesame Street. “He didn’t even wash Elmo afterwards,” said the victim. “He left and went on set and I could see a little dribble of [ejaculate] hanging from Elmo’s fur.” Often Clash would engage in role-play with the boy playing Sesame Street characters. Continued on Page 2
DOOR JAM
Awkward Students Celebrate Automatic Door Appreciation Day BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH STAFF CLOWN
NEW BRUNSWICK—Socially awkward students all over campus reveled in the first annual Automatic Door Appreciation day on Saturday, a new holiday dedicated to the magical doors that eliminate the need to hold it open for people walking behind you. Whether it’s an obvious door-holding situation, or an uncomfortable ten second wait as the next pedestrian jogs with an uncomfortable smile to take the door from you, everyone can agree that Automatic Doors do a little to make our lives so much more comfortable. The socially awkward political science nerds who run our government agreed, signing ADA day into
OPENING DOORS "Hey don't worry I got the doo- oh, wait, don't run... oh geez"
law last year. Supporters hope that the new holiday will promote the installation of MANY new automatic doors around campus. “These machines are vital to modern society,” said Assemblyman Ron Bobert. “Walking to work every day is a struggle – pretending to look at my phone
50¢ QUICKIES
Man finds it "fairly comfortable" walking in other man's shoes Local construction worker Joe Korrina recalled yesterday how "fairly comfortable" it was walking a mile in another man's shoes. "I was starkly surprised on how comfy they actually were, must've had Dr. Scholls or some shit in there" Said Korrina, who's journey originally began at the local bar. Here witnesses claim to have seen Korrina chastising a co-worker for expressing his feelings to the bartender. "He was being a big pussy if you ask me," Korrina stated, and was more than happy to oblige the patron's demands that he "walk a mile in his shoes", where he promptly took his co-workers shoes and went to the supermarket and liquor store. Korrina was arrested later that day and charged with theft and simple assault.
Man engaging in BDSM acts promptly surprised by the rushing water filling up his house during Hurricane Sandy "I mean, the sensation I got from almost drowning tops all other sensations I had to that point, even that time when I was strapped to an electric chair."
Professor's "No Shave Novembeard" Actually the Result of Cheating Wife, Rampant Alcoholism
Sociology professor Daniel as I speed up and slow down Herbert smiled through bloodin order to get to the door at shot eyes while admitting to the same time as everyone else. students that the new facial hair If we only had more electronic he was sporting was not in honor of "No Shave November", as do—oh damn, hold on- " Bobert stopped the inter- they had previously thought, view to hold the door for a wom- but instead the result of his an standing in that conspicuous wife's infidelity and the crushing sensation of his entire world gray area of common courtesy. Continued on Page 2 falling apart before his eyes.
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