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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly

Volume xliii Issue IX

November 14th, 2012




SESAME STREET—In a turn of events that shocked the nation, Kevin Clash, the puppeteer most famous for creating the character of ‘Elmo,’ has been put on leave by Sesame Workshop after he was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a minor. The victim, who was sixteen at the time of the accused relationship, reported that he began the relationship with Clash seven years ago and reported it to Sesame Workshop, the company that produces ‘Sesame Street’ seven years after the incident occurred. “It was a bit intense the first time it happened,” said the victim, who at press time did not disclose identifying information. “I bent over and prepared myself and all of a sudden I heard this high pitched voice saying: ‘Elmo wants to be your friend.’ I looked up and I saw that he had put the puppet on his hand and was talking with

HAND (JOB) PUPPET Kevin Clash was caught accidentally Tweeting this selfie to all of his 23 followers

it. Then he mounted me.” The victim has gone on to report that during trysts, Clash would often adopt the Elmo persona while giving and receiving oral and anal sex. The victim has alleged that on at least on occasion, Clash and the boy would have relations just before the puppeteer would go onto the set

to film Sesame Street. “He didn’t even wash Elmo afterwards,” said the victim. “He left and went on set and I could see a little dribble of [ejaculate] hanging from Elmo’s fur.” Often Clash would engage in role-play with the boy playing Sesame Street characters. Continued on Page 2


Awkward Students Celebrate Automatic Door Appreciation Day BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH STAFF CLOWN

NEW BRUNSWICK—Socially awkward students all over campus reveled in the first annual Automatic Door Appreciation day on Saturday, a new holiday dedicated to the magical doors that eliminate the need to hold it open for people walking behind you. Whether it’s an obvious door-holding situation, or an uncomfortable ten second wait as the next pedestrian jogs with an uncomfortable smile to take the door from you, everyone can agree that Automatic Doors do a little to make our lives so much more comfortable. The socially awkward political science nerds who run our government agreed, signing ADA day into

OPENING DOORS "Hey don't worry I got the doo- oh, wait, don't run... oh geez"

law last year. Supporters hope that the new holiday will promote the installation of MANY new automatic doors around campus. “These machines are vital to modern society,” said Assemblyman Ron Bobert. “Walking to work every day is a struggle – pretending to look at my phone


Man finds it "fairly comfortable" walking in other man's shoes Local construction worker Joe Korrina recalled yesterday how "fairly comfortable" it was walking a mile in another man's shoes. "I was starkly surprised on how comfy they actually were, must've had Dr. Scholls or some shit in there" Said Korrina, who's journey originally began at the local bar. Here witnesses claim to have seen Korrina chastising a co-worker for expressing his feelings to the bartender. "He was being a big pussy if you ask me," Korrina stated, and was more than happy to oblige the patron's demands that he "walk a mile in his shoes", where he promptly took his co-workers shoes and went to the supermarket and liquor store. Korrina was arrested later that day and charged with theft and simple assault.

Man engaging in BDSM acts promptly surprised by the rushing water filling up his house during Hurricane Sandy "I mean, the sensation I got from almost drowning tops all other sensations I had to that point, even that time when I was strapped to an electric chair."

Professor's "No Shave Novembeard" Actually the Result of Cheating Wife, Rampant Alcoholism

Sociology professor Daniel as I speed up and slow down Herbert smiled through bloodin order to get to the door at shot eyes while admitting to the same time as everyone else. students that the new facial hair If we only had more electronic he was sporting was not in honor of "No Shave November", as do—oh damn, hold on- " Bobert stopped the inter- they had previously thought, view to hold the door for a wom- but instead the result of his an standing in that conspicuous wife's infidelity and the crushing sensation of his entire world gray area of common courtesy. Continued on Page 2 falling apart before his eyes.


the Medium


“News is a...relative...term...”


Paula Broadwell: Still Mostly an Inspiration, Even in Spite of...You Know

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012


...continued from front

“He would make me roll around and pretend to be ‘Mr. Noodle.’ Sometimes he would bring another boy along and he would play ‘Mr. Noodle’s brothBY KCIG service. She was a lieutenant col- to be all about the guy she was er: Mr. Noodle.’ One time, he MANAGING EDITOR onel in the army reserves and re- having an affair with. But still! called me ‘Mr. Hooper,’ which is disturbing on so many levels.” For women hoping to serve cently served as a member of the Best seller is pretty impressive. “Paula Broadwell is an in“It fills me with nightin the military, there are very FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force. Almost all of this occurred bespiration to women everywhere mares,” the victim stated, holdfew role-models for them to folfore she even met General David who aspire to achieve great ing back tears as he spoke. “I low. Thankfully they can turn to Paula Broadwell, a woman Petraeus so that doesn’t even re- things in their career - except, remember giving him an old you know, for that whole David fashioned and hearing ‘Hahahawho has made her career serv- ally matter. She is also known for her Petraeus thing,” said Douglass haha! That tickles.” ing in the United States army writing on women in the AmeriUniversity Women’s Studies and working against terrorism. And the fact that she was sleep- can military that has appeared Professor, Michelle Schroeder. AWKWARD DOORS ...continued from front ing with the Director of the CIA in publications like the Boston “But besides that, she has really Globe and New York Times. Reachieved so much with such litis just secondary to all of that. One thing is certain, for the Broadwell is a West Point cently, Broadwell published a tle recognition, until that whole many awkward and uncomfortgraduate with an MPA from biography of David Petraeus, extramarital affair thing ex- able kids at Rutgers, every day Harvard, proving that she’s got the ironically titled All In, which ploded... but you know, besides is Automatic Door Appreciation brains to back up her military became a New York Times best that...” Day! seller. And, yeah, it happened “Automatic doors are like walls between urinals-” said KUDOS TO YOU FOR GETTING THIS FAR Rutgers freshman Lance Bong. followed by a disdain for bad Liam Svitzsky, says he is bring- “-It took a while for people to Rutgers Review ing a copy of the Review to evpoetry. realize how much stress they reGenerates Ironic Annie Ledo, Home Eco- ery lecture in order to instruct lieved. They aren’t everywhere, students on methods for imLevels of Uninterest nomics major from Douglass his proving publications: "The Re- but they should be. Automatic campus, tweeted: "I picked up doors make me more comfortBY PROBABLY DRUNK a copy of Rutgers Review to view," Svitzsky says, "could eas- able to leave my room every CONTRIBUTING WRITER browse the potpourri section, ily be transformed into a higher morning. Today we thank god COLLEGE AVE—Rutgers Soci- but it's just filled with pictures quality paper, through a process for true American innovation. known in the industry as 'recyety for Unloved Children With of smelly vagabonds." And compensation for my social Macbooks bi-monthly publicaAttempts were made by the cling.'" Review President Saman- ineptitude.” tion, the Rutgers Review, has Review's staff to connect with Hopefully by next ADA day, been released this week to re- the University's "hipster" demo- tha Kelly addressed the lack of November 10th 2013, the movecord-breaking levels of ironic graphic by featuring a blurry praise as people "just not get- ment will takeover. disinterest from the student dollar bill on the cover, mirror- ting it," which is "to be expected body. ing the lack of money this pop- whenever a creative outlet de- MASCOT TRYOUTS! Critics have cited confusion ulation often pretends to cope fies conventions as hardcore as we do." over the issue's purpose as the with. Kelly currently faces alleleading cause of unpopularity, Professor of Journalism, gations of accepting large shipments of non-gender-specific NEWS IN PICTURES clothing from American Apparel in order to pay her staff. However, the Review continues to keep students across campus turning its pages, if only in hopeless pursuit of something worth reading. Leaked audio of the Review's last meeting indicates that, in order to exceed their current precedent of irony, the group may attempt ceasing to exist altogether.

Rastafarian Gets Off His High Horse


Editorial Staff Fall 2012

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer

Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman

News Editors Stewart Hallman IV Brianna Provenzano Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Eohn Jberhardt John Eberhardt

Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors

Leif Tornberg Ben "Roethlisberger" Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot See above

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Brie Provolone, the newest News Editor. She has the cheesiest sense of humor.

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012


“I took the meat out of 8 crab legs and put them in a little container with melted butter. Then I took it like a shot.”


the Medium


Four Ways to Get Them Pimples Poppin’ By Supa Kroopa Troopa and Dirty D Are you sick and tired of having these big-ass red painful thingies on yo face and boday partz? Is your pizza face a pizza body? Do you feel like have chicken pox 2+4/7? Do your biddies not want to butter your muffin? Well here are your only options! 1. SQUEEZE THAT MOTHAFUCKA- All you need to do use a finger from both hands and place it on both sides of the pimple and apply pressure to the infected area and BAM! CHEESE IS THE SURPRISE INSIDE! If you collect the pus from multiple pimples, you can use this wonderful substance as a replacement for ricotta in your lasagna.

scrubs from stores just go outside and find a cinderblock. You can use the rough texture to scrub away your pimples and pains. It’s almost like using sandpaper on your face but a lot more painful! It’s definitely effective though. You’ll have no skin in no time so VIOLA, instant CLEAR SKIN.

4. GET YO ASS SOME PLASTIC SURGERYThis is easier said than done but you should really consider it. Be a conformist! Beat the odds to 2. SMOKE IT OUT- This is the most ro- make people like you! Spread ridiculous amounts mantic way to get rid of a pimple. First you need of money on a surgery that just shouts how shalto light a candle then hold the candle up to your low you are. YOU CAN DO IT. However, if you face while eating a four-course meal. Before you are worried about the financial aspect of this, just go in for the kill, you need to loosen your pimple work the corners on College Ave…because ya up. Relax it, make it feel comfortable, and give it know bitches be out Thursday, Friday, Satuday, a massage. Then just take the candle and burn the Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, n’ Wednesday. SHIT pimple off! If that doesn’t work, try a blowtorch BE CRAY. to the face, it will grow back eventually…with the help of mitosis or you could just jump in a vol- Before using any of these tips, you should make cano! sure your pimple has ripened into a white gem and you might also want to wash your grimy, 3. SCRUBBY BUBBLES- This method jizz-marinated hands so you don’t further infect is like apricot scrub on steroids. Instead of using your face with more bacterial shit.



the Medium


“Do you know the meaning of ‘metal system’?“



Jesus Christ, I’m Fucking Starving

BY CHARLES "KITTY" COLLINS Alright, it’s about 4 in the afternoon. We do this every day. Just get up from the sofa and give me food. Let’s not make this more difficult than it needs to be. Hmm. You don’t seem to be noticing me. I’m going to start screaming. MEOW!!! Hey!!! Fucking get up and give me some food you lazy asshole!! Don’t you dare meow back at me, you patronizing son of a bitch. I would not hesitate to kill you if you weren’t the only thing standing between my hungry belly and a scoop of Seafood Medley. Don’t make me jump up on the couch and sit directly on your laptop. You don’t want me to do this. I’m warning you. You have 5 seconds to get up or else I will do it. 5... 4... 3.... Ok, fine, fuck it, I’m going in. Now you have to pay attention to me. Do you think I enjoy doing this? No, now is not the time to start scratching my chin. You fucking bitch. You’re not getting up. You don’t seem to understand what I am after. I don’t need your affection. You just set things up so that I can’t get the food by myself because you’re a monster and you want me to be dependent on you. I am forced to humiliate myself by doing this ritual every day just so I can survive. This is torture. Alright, fine, you know, if you want the illusion of my affection so that I can fucking not starve, then fuck it. I’m going to boop your head with my head. Don’t you dare make me regret this any more than I already do.

Awww, Look Who It Is! BY ANNIE COLLINS

Who’s that I see? Is that the kitty baby? Is that my kitty baby man? Did you just wake up from a nap? You don’t do anything all day but sleep, you lazy cat! Aww! You meowed! It’s like we’re talking! Meow! Hehe! What a cute little cat. I wonder what meowing means to him. Like, did he translate my “meow” as some amazingly complex sentence in his head? I wonder what it’s like to be a cat! Hehehe, don’t sit on my laptop, silly! I need my laptop so that I can look at pictures and videos of more cats! Not that pictures of cats are better than you! You’re the cutest baby kitten in the whole universe! Aww, look at your little baby chin! I just want to hug you all day! Oh my god! He just booped my head with his head! What a sweetie! I couldn’t have found a more affectionate cat. It’s things like this that let me know that he really does feel love. Here’s some food, kitty! Being so cute all the time must make you hungry. Awww, he’s so cute when he noms his munchy-munchies! I love my kitty!


Runaway train, five people will die unless you pull a switch that kills one man. Do it?


BY LAUREN JONES Is this even a question? Fucking do it. That one guy is probably more of a dick than the other five put together. I will be SO. HAPPY. once his fucking body is six feet under, in several pieces. Watching five people die is lame. Actively killing one person is FUCKING AWESOME. I mean if it was an option, I’d jump in there with a folding chair and just murder that son of a bitch manually, but I didn’t see that as an option. Oh well. I guess some other poor chap will have to die with my hands around his throat. Chances are, it’ll be one of the other five. They’re probably just as pathetic as him - living a meaningless life with sweet, sweet death as the end goal. And I will be the one to deliver that salvation to all of them. Oh god, just let me near the switch. I can’t handle this for much longer.

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012



What the fuck did that one guy do wrong? He’s just standing there, minding his own business. Not like I have anything against the other five, but they’re standing on train tracks. Traaaaain tracks. You know what happens if you stand on train tracks for too long? You get arrested, that’s what. Because some cop will come by, and will no doubt write you up for trespassing, impersonating a railroad employee, and possibly acts of terrorism and/or littering. Those charges will add up, you know. Do you know how long you can be imprisoned for littering along? Shit, I forgot too. Well, I’m sure it’s a long time. Long enough that you’ll lose your job, spouse, and anything else worthwhile in your life. You’ll be set on a one-way train to suicide-ville, and let me tell you this: it’ll be a lot more emotionally painful than just getting hit by a train. Trust me; I’ve done it.

Here’s Some Suggestions for ‘Viewers’ Like You BY NETFLIX

Oh, it’s you again. ‘Ted’ wasn’t enough for you? You want yet another patheti- oh my god, you didn’t. You didn’t just give that worthless waste of hard drive space five goddamn stars, did you? Yep, looks like you did. Christ on a stick. I don’t even know why I bother anymore. I keep recommending decent films like ‘Cube’, ‘Being John Malkovich’, and ‘Tree of Life’. But no. You have to watch your oh-so-funny shows. I mean seriously, how many carbon copies can Seth MacFarlane shit out before he has all the money in the world? And don’t even get me started about Adventure Time. That’s pretentious tryhard hipster bullshit and you all know it. You’re no better than those horsefuckers I also have to deal with. You know how much money goes into the production of this shit? Between one and two MILLION dollars PER EPISODE. You know how much good that money could do? It could probably buy you a half-decent sense of humor, for starters. There’s no such thing as an attention span these days. People need stupid, inane jokes every five seconds, or they’ll put on a different show. And I’m just enabling this bad habit. If only I was just DVD’s, maybe people would commit to watching serious, thought-provoking movies again. God, I hate myself.


Just Give Me a Second! BY WEBREG

Woot! November is winding down which means it’s finally my time to shine. Every student at Rutgers is going to flock to me for their registration needs. And I’ll be their white knight, swooping in to place them into any class they could ask for. I’m the guy with the hookup into wine tasting. Everyone is going to be so glad that I’m around. 10pm, you know what that means! The first requests are already coming in. Ok, let’s have a looksee. 11:067:322? Is that animal science? Oh wait, I’m not even sure if that’s SEBS. Let me look for the school. Oh! Another one! How fun! 07:081:252. Uh, SAS maybe? Oh no 81 is definitely one of the Engineering classes. Dang, ok another one. 01:105:498? 498 is pretty high up there. I didn’t even know the system went past 300 level. No worries, I can handle this. God that is so many numbers. Why do we have to have so many different schools? This is going to take me at least four minutes. Stop yelling! Please, just calm down and let me think. Oh, now, come on, there’s really no reason for language like that. Cursing is not going to make this go any faster. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU! JUST STOP YELLING! FUCK!


Wednesday, November 14th, 2012


“Guinea pigs in t-shirts. Now that’s an idea.”

the Medium




themedium.arts@ AND WE HAVE MEETINGS.

6:30pm-7:30pm at RSC, Rm 439


the Medium

Wednesday, November 14th 2012

“OH GOD! Swerve....”





To the Floridian fucker who dared to say that New Jerseyans whine needlessly about cat 1 hurricanes: I hope you get your house ripped up by a tornado while you’re asleep and get whipped all the way to Cuba. You ignorant, low-life degenerate - I hope you get pushed out to sea by a storm surge 10x larger than what we had here, and die, gasping for air. Not even Bush’s FEMA would hear your screams if they got a second chance. GO DIE.

Dear guy on Livingston Thanks for taking my virginity and then telling me, Oh I can’t see you I have a girlfriend. Really nice of you

To the gentlemen and gentleladies who frequent Olde Queens Tavern: I have a legitimate question for you. Why do we go here? Why do we return to this place? I wait on a line in the freezing cold for half an hour, but only after being called a slut for trying to cut the line because I frankly don’t care about anyone’s bargoing experience but my own. I get in and I buy a stupid drink and I watch the bartender as she measures out vodka into it with an eyedropper. Than some drunk person spills their drink on my pants, eight ogres step on my toes, Eric LeGrand is staring at me in the corner and silently judging me as I stumble around the place like a drunk whore. What are we doing? Do we ever have fun? I don’t think anyone in their lives has ever said the next morning, I had so much fun at Queen’s last night! The people there were all really cool and not at all a bunch of foreign weirdos! Next Thursday let’s all stay in and play Guess Who.

I’VE TAKEN OVER BOTH PAGES, AND YOU WILL ACCEPT IT AND ENJOY IT! THAT BEING SAID: Go read the rest of the paper you ignorant piece of shit. These people slave away every damn week to bring you guys a whole satire paper and then you little assholes flip right over here to read the garbage that you and your equally retarded friends write. I don’t even want your personals, I’ll write them all myself!!!!

To the petite Jew girl I know: I am seriously impressed that you managed to stuff a 7.5 in black dick inside you. DAYYYYUUUUMMM GUUUURRRLLLLLL! (Did you really measure out someone’s dick for this?) To my drug-dealing friend from childhood: it’s good to see you’ve found success in this great Hub City. Just do all of your friends a favor, and don’t ask me to help you move thousands in cash from one safehouse to another like it’s supposed to be everyone’s daily routine or something. That’s some seriously sketchy shyt.

(I didn’t really have a girlfriend, I just hate attachments. Dueces hahaha!) To the Asian girl on the F Bus last Thursday morning. You smiled at me as I sat next to you (because there were NO OTHER SEATS), got up and then moved to another seat. Am I really that fucking ugly, or are you just intimidated by anyone that is not your exact skin tone? #MartinHadADream To the guy walking down College Ave with the Power Rangers t-shirt AND the bedazzled yarmulke: I don’t know what you were thinking when you chose that outfit this morning but you were killing it today. I’m not being sarcastic. Keeping doing your thing dawg. DORMS


To the bitch in Tinsely who wouldn’t move her fat black ass so I could take the elevator down, lose some weight you hippo. I had all my shit to bring home, and you prevented me from getting home at a reasonable time

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I am incredibly tired of everything in the universe. Just let me sleep for 13 hours a day. Please. Everyone needs to shut the fuck up. Pls God.

Hey RU Housing, let me be the first of many to inform you that no one gives a shit about your notices to stop jerking off in the showers. I will keep twerkin my meat until my dick falls off

(Whadya think I’m tryin to do right now? SHHH!)

To all the mentors in my life – None of you are like Master Splinter. A few of you were giant rats, but that wasn’t enough! You need to have a certain compassion associated (Excuse me, but you know with anthropomorphic that the Lord Jesus Christ is daddy-figures and small watching you eveytime you furry creatures. Consider donning ripped karate masturbate?) shorts next time you try To the motherfucking RA to teach me ANYTHING! who keeps hitting on my roomate in Campbell, I’m (You shut your face my litpretty sure there’s a rule tle protege! You need to keep pushing yourself so you can against such activity, and I succeed at life!) will have your ass fired. To the movie Skyfall star(Never interfere with true ring James Bond: either love. It’s God’s will) you were really terrible or I was just too high to YOU KNOW WHO understand you.

To the two dudes who kept talking about suitjamas being a good idea. Neil Patrick Harris could pull that shit off but not you two pricks. Its a fucking suit. Only To the stink bug that has bosses can pull it off, not fat been stuck in the corner jews. of my bedroom for going (Suitjamas are the greatest on 5 weeks - I’m not sure if you’re dead, but you’ve thing ever to be created.) To the assholes who been there for me through keyed our car at the Tem- Note to everyone: fuck the thick and thin while other ple game: I’m ashamed Targum. I submitted an arti- friends have slipped through that Rutgers has fans like cle and they said theywould the cracks. I’m glad I was you people who give us only take serious material too lazy to get a step stool a bad name. I hope your drunken asses fall walk- To the wannabe Mumford to reach all the way in the ing down that hill on the & Sons tribute band in the corner to kill you. Thanks Dear Obnoxious Cow in the Busch Suites parking lot, side of the stadium and Starkey’s courtyard, you for being the best roommate No, you did not almost die. ends up getting run over guys sound really good and I could ever ask for. I watched the car back up, by a passing 18 wheeler, you will probably get mad To The Targum Op/Ed page and on top of only moving you inconsiderate fucks. pussy. Except, you guys - holyfuckingshit internet about 5 mph, it stopped sevhave been playing the same memes, guys. Just. I don’t... (Seems fair.) eral feet away from you. I shit for the past three weeks I can’t. just... no. If you’re mean, we’re talking at least on a weekly basis and are trying to make me cringe 3 yards. It didn’t help that RANTS playing through Mum’s en- harder than I would if I were your boyfriend got out of the To all the ignorant fucks tire album. Mix it up a bit or looking at the normal po- car and proceeded to harass who keep posting status- I’m gonna have to put your litical cartoon, you’ve suc- the poor woman driving! I es about webreg and how bitchy white asses on shuf- ceeded can hear you complaining, they couldn’t get into the fle, no one wants to keep lisclass they wanted, you tening to you wail incoher- To all guys out there, what now the next night, through realize that you’re all try- ently about little lion men makes you think its ac- our open window. Please ing to register at the same anymore. Plus that song is ceptable to wear fucking do us all a favor and stop fucking time, so obvi- so 2011, get with the times old, worn ass string drawn telling your stupid friends ously they’res gonna be sweatpants to class?? Have about your “near-death” exsome complications with assholes! Song requests: some respect for yourself perience. You’re starting to the system. Its called life learn some Devendra Ban- and the people around you make me wish that your bopeople. Shit happens, hart. That’ll satiate your and put on regular clothes vine ass had been hit. you move on and you life hungry little dicks. With detest, (Fucking Betch.) your life. Jesus people. (Clearly you’re in the band.) A Witness

To the douchbags at the Medium who said the meeting was at 8 when it clearly wasn’t. You all suck and I’m gonna go join the Review (OH PLEASE GOD NO!!! ANYTHING BUT THE REVIEW!!!!) If I get invited to one more Ciroc Boyz event on facebook I swear Imma flip a shit. (You tell gurrlfriend!)

Lol hey RBK I hope you’re reading this... I will NEVER friend you on facebook. You humped fire hydrants for a living you degenerate. (Who the fuck is RBK?)

Wednesday, November 14h, 2012


the Medium

“I can feel it down in my plums....”



Think you can do a better job than me? Come to our meetings and prove me wrong! Wednesdays 6:30-7:30pm RSC Room 439

Is this liquor store really charging me $25 for a little bottle of svedka?


To the frat bro who knocked over my nachos at the football game on (Yes, until you go to any saturday.... I hope you No big I’ll just do both pages by myself other liquor store outside of OD on your own roofie. *Mad Professor laugh* Muahahahahahaha! this town.) To the son of a bitch who To the pizza store on almost ruined our tailgate; you’re lucky your Task Of The Week = Go up to any girl working out Easton, I hope your store burns down in a freak friends were there to grab on a treadmill and say her butt looks good oven accident. I know the you or else I would’ve slice of buffalo chicken shoved your head down was over 5 hrs old you the nearest portapotty

To the Rutgers basketball team, how the fuck did you lose to a college like St. Peters?! What was the point of getting Wally Judge if you didn’t let him run all over the court? AND y’all went out to party??? FOR SHAME!

Dear Roomie, Let me start by saying GURLL your perfume is stanky.I loathe that cheap vanilla shit which you spray so excessively. I think if you put on anymore than the 500 sprays you do already, you might trigger my nonexistent asthma. Please stop spraying to keep me and the ozone layer from a terrible and fatal end. Sincerely, everyone within your 50 foot radius p.s. you smell like a baby prostitute

Fuck the family who ruined my RU chant on the bus. Shit’s a part of Rutgers and you took that away from me, I hope you all get mugged and beaten.


(You saw Mean Girls, too?) To the fratty fuck who sat next to me on the F during rush hr, you made everyone within a 20 foot radius miserable because of your stench of cheap cologne and cigarettes. I hope your pretiousness clouds your vision next time and you get plowed over by an 18 wheeler transporting cigarettes. To the random kid who came up to me and spoke to me in italian.... I had no idea what the fuck you were saying. (Goddamn illegals tryna force their language on us. I only speak one language: its acalled American.) To all the assholes giving me weird looks while I’m walking eating my sammich. Its not a federal offense to walk and eat. Get off my back. (Haters gonna hate, Skaters gonna Slate.)

To the asshole at Alexander who kept hitting the printer to try and make it work, we’re not in the fucking Dark Ages anymore. Call a guy who gets paid to fix that shit

pieces of shit.

(That fire can be arranged... can you tell me which of the 5768 pizza places it was?)

To the mother in ABP yesterday who allowed her kid to keep kicking my chair with his feet, (Or you could’ve done it, next time I see you kid you pretentious prick.) I’m punting him into the Raritan. To the motherfucker who keeps drawing obscene (Rutgers football can use a acts on my welcome leg like that...) board. If I ever catch you I’m shoving that To the cute guy who paid marker into your brain for the slice of pizza for and drown you in the the two chicks before broken bathroom stall. him, you can pay for my Sincerely, a very pissed food anytime ;) off RA (I hope that kid got laid beTo my Fucking Racist- cause of that; no one likes Sexist-Homophobic-Re- wasted money) publican roommate who coined the term “Nigger- To the fucking chink who Jew” because you’re lazy took the last of the tater ass thinks it convenient tots at Brower last weekto clump them together, end, I hope you burn in Go Fuck Yourself. I want hell and your body be to gouge my eyes out eaten by one of the stray every morning to avoid cats on Bartlett. seeing you. Even, dooms (Rule #1 for living at colday prophet, Harold lege... NEVER take the last Camping cannot handle of the tots for WHATEVER the foul stench of Big- reason.) otry that exudes your smelly feet. I need to cor@&$#! WEBREG rect a few of your flawed ideas: Not all terrorists Goddmanit Rutgers I’m are Muslims, Latinos trying to graduate and don’t all have 5+ children get on with my life, how to increase their odds of the fuck am I suppossed getting one into college, to do that when fucking and you say you hate Webreg crashes?! homosexuals yet you tell me my ass is grass and Lol sucks to suck for you’re a lawnmower?!?!? all those fuckers who I hope no girl ever have couldn’t get into their a child with you because classes cuz of Webreg. the world has one too (Shutup freshman.) many assholes. P.S. Stop yelling “Ching I hope the creator of WeChang Chong” when I’m breg has his computer on the phone with my crash and he loses all his mother, she can hear you shit and thinks you’re a dumlay off with the facebook bass. posts people, shit takes (Rutgers football can use a time to load, give webreg leg like that...) a break...

hey hobos who sit by the small tv in the student center... i’m trying to watch the football game, not get into a discussion on the morals of looking through garbage cans for (Barchi is that you?) food; which is gross btw To the girl who ran away after I asked for name; Webreg gets the last (But what if someone threw why the fuck did you laugh on you seniors lol out a perfectly good apple?) watch me eat then?

to the overly cheery fuck sitting in front of me, i missed half the game cuz you kept jumping up and down. i hope next home game someone pushes you down the stairs and you die

(Its one game kid, talk to me at the end of the season. Let ‘em rage.)

NICE PERSONALS!!!!!! A big thanks to my poli sci professor for pushing back the due date on our paper, now I can party this weekend! Thank you to the girl in my sociology class who helped me cheat on my test, glad to know we both passed! To the homeless guy panhandling outside Scott Hall, thanks for giving me a high 5! Sorry I couldn’t give any money

To webreg, thanks for getting me all my classes! Now I can graduate without worry or care! (Fuck you.) God bless that owner of who allowed her puppy to come up and sniff my hand. HE WAS SO FUCKIN ADORABLE!!! (Keep it in your pants.)

Thanks to my friend for giving me a hug outside the SAC the other day, I (That guy is going to the really needed that. wrong demographic. Every college kid is broke. I’m not Big ups to the lunch lady even getting paid to do this.) for giving me the last of the tater tots in Saturday, This page rocks my socks nothing makes my day off!!! more than getting my tots REAL AD

THE BACK PAGE “Hello Jonathan Kijne, we are watching you”

The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore Since the Muggle world no longer needs saving from the ravages of pollution, Al Gore has taken it upon himself to rid the magic world of evil wizards.

I know what today’s date is, do you?


What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 We have not made any new guys need to show up Wednesday at 12:00 PM Interfaith Prayer Service @ Brower Commons Learn to coexist and not kill each other Thursday at 2:00 PM “The Pivot towards Asia: An Australian Perspective” @ Civic Square What the fuck is this? Friday at 5:00 PM OSHA 40/24/8 Hour HAZWOPER Training @ Off Campus Locations SO. FUCKING. BORING.

The eternal trio

Drugs! Hooray!


Find Ecstacy, Crystal Meth, Cocaine, Mushrooms in this picture. Then, take all of those drugs and watch this man-tree eat you.

Looks like this guy had a good night! Either this column is actually funny, or you guys are really creepy. Remember to include in your emails the person’s consent!

Horror: Redefined

Minor changes to horror characters can have interesting effects

Useless Review of the Week BY NOT LIL BIT | Sadness

The Meat Packing Industry The meat packing industry is a thriving part of American business. The meat packing industry provides us with delicious meats from many different kinds of animals. We can get chicken, beef, pork, and more! The animals may not be in the best condition, but do you really care about that cow when you are about to bite into a savory prime rib? Of course you don’t. This amazing industry also has incredible levels of efficiency. In my opinion, the meat packing industry is more efficient than any other. They kill the animals, and pack up their delicious body parts into sealed packages and ship them off to their joyous customers. There are low levels of pollution, and every one of their customers is happy. How could you not be happy when you receive boxes of tasty animals? The meat packing industry receives five stars because of how efficient it is, how delicious its product is, and because it makes bacon.

Delicious Abs

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The Medium 11-14-12  

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly

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