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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue X
DOUCHES
Heroic Guy Pumps Keg at Local Party
SAY NO TO SOCIALISM
NEW BRUNSWICK SAYS YES TO DICTATORSHIP EON referendum allows “Dictator Fred” to rule with iron fist
BY BULLSHIT BINGO CONTRIBUTING WRITER
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
MINE STREET—In a move dubbed “really unnecessary,” Rutgers student and frequent partygoer Michael Patel proceeded to monopolize a close position to the party’s lone keg and fill the cups of those who stood waiting for beer Saturday night. Onlookers reported the scene before Smith’s arrival as “completely fine,” where a basement full of college students were having a good time talking, spitting game, and playing various drinking games. The keg seemed to be working properly throughout the first few hours of the night, and many were seen with conspicuously well-filled red cups in their hands. “Who needs a fill? There you go man, no foam there,” said Patel, when approached for an interview. “Just doing my part.” Patel left many stunned as to the true nature of his motives. “I just don’t get it,” said SAS junior Kyle Madison. “I mean, all you have to do is hold down the tap and wait a few seconds. Everyone can pretty much handle it themselves. Who does this guy even know here?” Patel was last seen alone, looking around and smiling while spinning his nose-greased finger in the head of his latest poured beer.
NEW BRUNSWICK—With 100% of all precincts reporting, the results are in: New Brunswick’s choice for a system of government is that of one autocratic ruler named Fred. That option gained 39.2% of the votes, compared to 33.2% supporting EON’s vision of a hybrid ward and at-large city council, and 28.6% calling for the current atlarge system to remain the same. The Fred in question is Fred Byclzynski, an auto mechanic on Commercial Avenue deep in the South Central Newbie. Avi Scher, EON representative, allegedly placed Byclzynski on the ballot after needing an emergency electric bong repair. Byclzynski had refused to work without being given a shot at election. EON tried to avoid problems by downplaying the new option. Their now famous slogan, “Vote Yes for Wards, but please ignore the third option, K?” still rings in voters’ ears. Fred was shocked after beholding his victory. “I didn’t think that I had a chance. Hell, I don’t really think I’d be that good of a leader. But if the people want me to lead, than goddammit, I pledge to sacrifice 300 virgins by the end of month, as well as have a Palace of Justice built only by the finest enslaved consituents.” He reportedly looks forward to his
UNIVERSITY
50¢
November 11th, 2009
AHEAD IN THE POLLOCKS
Also known as Captain Carburator, brother of Hook
new job as Mayor-Despot-for-Life and has a strong vision for the Healthcare City. His first order is to build a glorious statue of himself so tall it will reach heaven and cause the Gods themselves to worship him. Also, plans are underway to develop new boulder throwing technology to make Highland Park quiver in its wake. He supports this because New Brunswickians have had to deal with the sharpened sticks of the Highland Parkers for far too long.
But with these new dreams come new restrictions. Fred is never to be looked at directly by common citizens. As per decree, New Brunswickians must also ask themselves whenever they eat, “What would Fred think of this food choice?” “Sure, some of the statutes are bit draconian,” remarked Arielle Maria Urman, a local underprivileged Hispanic woman. “But whatever. At least Fred likes tacos.”
Expos Drops GOVERNMENT AIRCRAFT “New Humanities CHRIS CHRISTIE BLIMP TO PROVIDE STUNNING AERIAL COVERAGE BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER Reader” for List STAFF EDITOR of Rutgers Trivia TRENTON—A team of scientists at BY BROWEN HEALY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
OLD QUEENS—Challenging times call for “no nonsense” solutions. Students taking Expository Writing this semester can expect some new and exciting changes. The New Humanities Reader, a collection of essays edited by Rutgers English department, will no longer be used as the text for the class. In its stead, students will refer to a list of 20-odd tidbits about the University and its history. “Let’s face it – not every student needs to learn the proper way to tuck a
continued, “TRIVIA,” page two
Zeppy Zeppelins have defied physical limitations and have transcended tacky political mud-slinging by unveiling the KRS-T1 blimp, affectionately dubbed “Christie.” According to head scientist Dr. Mark Kaufmann, the “Christie” utilizes the latest in eco-friendly technology with carbon neutral paint and solar fins. The key feature of the KRS-T1 is the sheer amount of hot gas that spews from the mouth and rectal area. The blimp will make its debut at Rutgers’ next home football match against the University of South FlorTALK ABOUT INFLATION ida.
It’ll make your parents proud! ESTABLISHED 1970
Governor Christie watches over for foul play