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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly

Volume XLII Issue VIII


November 2nd, 2011



BUSCH—For the first half of Saturday's home football game, it looked like the Scarlet Knights would finally break their losing streak against West Virginia University. But, through a series of bad situations, the Rutgers Football team lost by ten points to the Mountaineers. "I don't know what happened," said Coach Greg Schiano. "Everything was lined up for us. We were ten points ahead at halftime and Gary Nova was spot-on the entire game." Indeed, freshman quarterback Gary Nova was certainly the star of the game on Saturday, despite the loss, and absolutely nothing he did could be attributed to the failure of the Knights. "It was the failure of the team as a whole," continued Schiano, "to lose a ten point lead and give the other team the same lead in the course of half an hour cannot be blamed on one person who completely shattered under pressure." Most of the problems of the game could be blamed on the

Blah blah Tony Stewart blah blah NASCAR I'm sorry. My editor wanted me to write more stuff that reaches out to new audiNO(VA) COMPETITION Nova prepares to throw an amazing pass that only a fool could miss. ences but I feel like I would lose a part of my soul if I took this snow, which caused four turn- mountains have snow on them, seriously. overs during the game. so clearly it was all the snow's regrets "The snow totally explains fault and not the freshman who Alcoholic why Nova dropped the ball as has been dropping passes for registering he was fading back to pass," said the past three games." defensive end Art Forst. "The In a post-game press confer- for wine snow came down and knocked ence, Rutgers PR representative the ball right out of Gary's hand." Lauren Walton stated that the tasting class Analysts speculate the two future still looked bright for the "I really don't know interceptions resulted from Scarlet Knights. what I was thinking. West Virginia's increased abil"This last game was disap- This is almost as bad ity to navigate through snowy pointing," said Walton on Sat- as the time I took my family to weather. urday evening. "But to fix this Germany in the middle of Okto"I mean, they're called the problem, all they need is a High berfest. I wound up puking on Mountaineers," said Forst. "And Point Solution©." Potsdamer Platz!"

Alcoholic 'treats' cause Halloween tricks NEW BRUNSWICK—Rather than distribute candy this year, Rutgers University students decided to do something more community-based and offer shots to trick-or-treaters. "I figure, you know, Rutgers students might LIKE candy, but they definitely LOVE getting shitty­­—so I bought a quart of Travelers Club in case students decided to knock up for us," said Fraternity leader Shawn Brown. Reports indicate that 90% of all Rutgers students who go trick-or-treating are not only confused about their age, but are also easily susceptible to alcohol poisoning. "Once I heard people were giving out shots of booze, I decided to go trick-or-treating to pre-game. I made it through eight houses," slurred a random inebriated Rutgers student.

Hipster only uses mealswipes at CCC

"I always get this one dish that's really delicious, but you've probably never heard of it."



Rutgers University Emergency Services were called into action all throughout the night to deal with floods of alcoholinduced vomit on College Avenue and other off-campus roads, which caused traffic jams and reportedly ruined at least 75 pairs of Uggs. Due to the excessive and reckless intoxication of the student population on Halloween night, New Brunswick's city council has enacted legislation which will subject any alcohol dispensation by home owners on subsequent Halloweens to mandatory chuggings of Smirnoff Ice, and for repeat offenders, systematic hazing by each and every fraternal organization on campus. "That's a lot of brooms up a lot of asses. I think next Halloween I'll just give out Snickers like everyone else," said Rutgers student Jack Penrose.


University commences new Navy ROTC program

Cadets will patrol the Rartian River looking for pirates, but will only find homeless people.

Why can't we be friends? ESTABLISHED 1970

the Medium


“I don't know about sports or the military because I'm not a stupid boy."

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011



New Rutgers polls indicate increased Impatient Santa forces early winter to push holiday season forward awareness of new Rutgers polls

new way of getting the opinions of the student population. And COLLEGE AVE—Recently, Rut- the topics are so relevant! Samegers University has issued a se- sex marriage, pot legalization? ries of polls to the student popu- It’s so 2011!” In lieu of their recognition, lation, each indicating a general increase in popularity of current the new Editor-in-Chief of The social topics such as marijuana Daily Targum said, “We’ve been legalization and same-sex mar- trying for weeks to get more people to answer these polls…cause riage. Rutgers' newest poll, re- it’s usually just me answering leased yesterday, indicated an them. Finally, I don’t have to feel increased awareness of the new like Steven Glansberg sitting by Rutgers polls. SEBS Senior Ju- myself and eating my tater-tots, lian Bannano was glad to see creating new polls for people to something positive come out of look at. This is great news! Ha! Pun intended!” HAPPY HOLIDAYS! these polls. Future polls will feature Check under your Thanksgiving turkey for presents! “I’ve been here four years now and usually the good polls how many students like drinkit gets closer to December. BY DAN 'OMAN' CHOG JR. I’d ended up reading had come ing, and the ranking of Brower STAFF WRITER Some have already caught from I’m glad to see Commons after the creation of on to the new, early Christmas. the Livingston Dining Hall. these polls are evolving into a "I took my son caroling NORTH POLE— Eleven months Battle rages on between the Editors out of the year, Kris Kringle, a while all the other kids tricktwo-thousand-ten-year-old man or-treated," said Laurie Smith, a and the Production Room Printer from the North Pole, operates on mother from White Haven, New autopilot. It isn’t until Decem- York. "I dressed him up in a shirt ber that he dons his red suit and and bow tie and he looked so grows out his beard to become cute! I think he was able to forSanta Claus, the lovable sym- get about his friends who were bol of joy and cheer around the all getting bags of candy and Holiday season. But this year, wearing fun costumes. He was Kringle says, he is ready to get a very happy singing songs about head start. the birth of Jesus and goodwill “This year is such a depress- toward men." ing one,” said the jolly old man. Her son, Tommy, could not “The economy is in a downfall. be reached for comment, as he People are starving, sad and had been grounded for attackalone. I just wanted Christmas ing a throng of trick-or-treaters to come early this year so every- and stealing their candy. one would be happy again.” BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' With the possible effect it NEWS EDITOR Kringle began his campaign would have on the economy, to push forward the holiday sea- Kringle considered calling maPRODUCTION—War ensues tor John Eberhardt. as the editors of the Medium "We're always looking to son by sending an early snow jor malls and department stores continue their ongoing feud gain the upper hand, I even storm in the direction of the East to put their Christmas decorawith the production room print- crafted a hat out of magic and Coast, surprising many on what tions up early, but he decided er. "This fuckin thing is the bane the unused paper of my home is normally a brisk fall weekend. against the idea. “I know I kind of impeded of my existence!" said News Edi- printer. Victory will be ours!" “They already put them on Halloween,” Kris continued, up the first week of November “but there’s nothing really redeeming about that holiday. Es- anyway. If I give them anymore pecially at Universities. Every leeway, then they’d be playing person who celebrates Hallow- ‘Jingle Bells’ in August.” Kringle, whose wife deeen the way college students do clined to be interviewed, also always do something that gets expressed an alterior motive to them on my ‘naughty’ list.” Continued Kringle, "I feel trying to push the holiday forproud preventing many mis- ward. “I booked a flight to Cabo guided college students from making ill-fated mistakes dur- and the only day I could get the ing the recent Halloween week- discounted rate was December end. I know being stuck indoors 24th, so I kind of need to get evmust have been so boring, but I erything done before I take off think they will understand once the red and put on the Speedo.” BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR

Editorial Staff Fall 2011

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor

Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen

News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis XI Dave Imbriaco

What’s Shakin Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Calc II is crazy fun

Phillip Li Chris Peatman Amy Be-Maria Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw But you'll fail.

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Course Schedule Planning software. Because my new hobby is to compulsively create a new schedule every day. Twenty-seven and counting!


Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

the Medium

“I will bring this school to its knees.”



RUTGERS ALUMNI OF THE WEEK PROFILE Name: Todd Matchick Years: 1982 - 1986 Degree: Psychology Residence: Davidson (Busch) Recognized by: Everyone Drink: Jameson Occupation: Bartender Hobby: Power-lifting “Kudos to the alumni association for realizing the need to bring in young people.”



“It has been almost a year since I was kicked out of the Breakfast Club in Old Bridge, NJ. That night was the worst drinking outing of my life…specifically due to hard liquor.

For nearly one year I managed to stay away from Jameson. But as a journalist, sometimes you have to step up to the plate in order to get a good story.” -The Killa Whale

This week, I want to introduce Rutgers to a man that once walked on the same sidewalks we do. Chances are if you live in New Brunswick, you probably know him or have taken a shot of whiskey with him. His name is Todd Matchick, Rutgers alumni and bartender at Doll’s Place on Joyce Kilmer Ave. I was warned by a friend of mine (Matchick’s ex-roommate) that if you’re going to drink with him, I better be prepared to drink. Knowing this, I took the train to New Brunswick last Wednesday to meet with him at

Harvest Moon. I knew I’d probably be leaving inebriated. But let’s not get carried away, Matchick is not a monster. He’s a great guy and had plenty of stories full of rich history at Rutgers. Until I met him last week, I didn’t know Rutgers had a lightweight football team that competed against other universities such as Penn State, Army, Navy, and Cornell. Either way, after spending three hours with Matchick, barhopping from Harvest Moon to Due Mari to Old Man Rafferty’s, I learned why this man is considered a legend.

Todd invented whiskey, the shot of whiskey, and the pint of whiskey.


I went shot-for-shot with Todd but by the time we hit Due Mari, he won.


King Peter III of Aragon died as a result of death. He is best known for directing The Lord of the Rings trilogy and playing the role of Hermoine in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. After retiring from his acting/directing career he invented a time machine and conquered Sicily to become one of the greatest monarchs in history. -Professorsaurus

INTERVIEW WITH THE BARTENDER Killa Whale: So I heard you helped your roommate not graduate? Tell me more, please. Todd: It was my sophomore year and his freshman year. We called ourselves roommates but we really just lived in the same dorm (Davidson). Let’s just say, he took the party-life very easily with me. KW: What’s your favorite memory at Rutgers, in regards to partying? T: Well, it was a lot different back then. People could drink in their dorms, openly. Frat parties openly invited people, advertised their kegs. Back in ’83 several friends and I realized we weren’t going to be together for New Year’s…so we threw a New Year’s Eve party on Halloween! We carved out a pumpkin, filled it with candy…AND WE DROPPED A PUMPKIN AT 12:23 AM. I still remember to this day, it was 12:23. KW: Haha, wow, why 12:23? T: Well, it wasn’t New Year’s! It didn’t matter! KW: Now, I notice everybody seems to know you. People just know to bring you whiskey shots. What are some of

Wanna be student of the week?

THE MANHATTAN... It’s a punch in the face.

the strangest places you’ve been recognized? T: It was at Poet’s Corner, Westminster Abbey, London, England. I was recognized by another Rutgers alumni. Also, the basement of the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar in Bozeman, Montana. KW: Wow, you’re a really recognizable figure. Your description of yourself on the phone earlier was spot-on, too; you do look like a Marine. T: Hawaii, too. “I know you from the gym!” KW: Speaking of the gym, you’re a big guy and I’m just

getting into power lifting. Any tips? T: You lift heavy weight. You do it right and you take care of fucking business. These guys today…what we do, is we do “tried and true” methods of lifting. I call it “overtraining.” KW: I can probably push up 200 lbs on the bar, which I think is good for only starting this year, how about you? T: I can probably still do fourand-a-quarter. KW: How about Rutgersfest? T: Rutgersfest? It used to be fun. Now you have guys shooting each other. What about the days where they had bands like Duran Duran? It was a time when people could go out and enjoy themselves. KW: Any advice for future generations? T: The RU Screw. You got your classes closed, parking tickets up your ass. “Oh, you didn’t know you needed this?” Well, too bad. Life isn’t fair, that’s what it teaches you. It teaches you to fend for yourself. It’s one of the best experiences and one of the worst. KW: You got that right, Todd.


THE ELECTION SONG Frat-nuts roasting On an open ballot Al Gore nipping On your votes Electing the rich though They’re all full of shit And Americans Still dress up to vote Everybody knows A donkey and an elephant Don’t help make For better lives Drinkin kegs with Your friends all aglow You’ll find it just As democratic a night


the Medium


“We few. We happy few. We band of brothers.”


From Our Commander

to perform in the line of battle. I know and you know that you didn’t spend all this time away from your families and dinner tables to go out there and fail. All that training and work that you put in every single day was all leading up to this. You were preparing to take down the Arts page. You were preparing to defend


Gentleman, I am not going to sit here and tell you that what we’re in the middle of isn’t serious. That this fight is just going to blow over without any kind of bloodshed. No, we’re in a real life war and I want all of you to understand the gravity of that. I can’t guarantee that each of you will be able to see this war through to its end. But I know you. You’re good men. Good soldiers. I have faith that you will all be able

“Your aim is victory at any cost.”

everything that is good about freedom and preserve all that the Opinions page holds dear. You are fighting to stand up for courage and honor - even in the face of tyranny. You are facing an enemy in the Arts page that does not believe in your right to

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

be free. Arts does not believe in our self-determination and on the battle field they will not believe in mercy. That is why you must never lose hope in your ability to fight. Your policy is to wage war with every ounce of strength that has been given to you. Your aim is victory at any cost, no matter how difficult it may seem and how long you have to fight. Look at the men beside you. They are your brothers. You will all suffer or triumph together. Success against the enemy depends on each of us coming together for that goal. After tonight you are no longer individual soldiers. You are an army. You are the Opinions page. So, if our page continues on for a hundred more semesters, let history say that this was our greatest hour.


Oh God, I’m Hit!

BY CPL. JAMES CONRAD Holy shit! Medic! Medic! I’m hit! This hurts! I didn’t even see where it came from, man! Oh God, I’m bleeding everywhere! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MEDIC!? I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. Oh God, everything is getting blurry. I see a light! MAMA! MAMA!!!!! Oh God! MAAAAMAAAAAAAA! I never even married Lauren. Shit. JIMMY! JIMMY! JIMMY! Help! In my duffel bag in our barracks is a letter I wrote to my fiance. Make sure it gets to her! She needs to know how ITsssssssss. AHHHHHH! This hurts! This fucking hurts! Sarge! Where’s the medic! Don’t leave me here to die, man! I just gotta get to the medi-vac chopper and everything is gonna be fine. No! Don’t bring the chaplain over! I can get through this! Father, please. Get a medic or something. I can power through. I’m not dead yet! Don’t leave me! I’m too young to die! I can’t die here! Not like this! I’ve missed out on so much. I’ve never been to Europe and I never ate sushi! Let me live!


Dear Mom, I just got your letter and care package. Thanks so much. The guys really appreciated some extra soap and rations. It’s been a lot of hard work out here fighting every day. Our armor is really heavy and it’s tough to sleep here. Yesterday I had to stay up 36 straight hours on my patrol duty. Once I had time to sleep I was just too wired. We lost James the other day, that nice guy from Minnesotta I told you about. These artsy guys just burst into our camp and took a bunch of us out. I think we must have taken out half of them too. Kinda makes you wonder what we’re doing out here. It all seems senseless once we see it in action. I’ll see you soon. Love, Michael

Johnny, Hey Johnny. We just got to our base outside of the Arts pages’ borders. It’s fucking boiling here every day and we haven’t seen any action yet. It’s just waiting with your gun, thinking one of those artsy bastards will jump out any

second. This whole fucking war is insane. The government can’t explain why we’re out here. You think General Marshall has the answers? Man, that guy came through our base a few days ago and he barely even got dirt on his shoes before he left. That rich guy gets to send us out here to die while he and his friends sit up in their goddamn ivory towers. Fucking draft just picks up poor drop-outs like you and me. Sorry man, take care of mom while I’m gone. I’ll be home soon. -Sam

Dear Miss, My company has been on the front lines for three days and I avail the opportunity to write to you. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face and felt the touch of your hand. I can hardly remember the sound of your sweet voice. The memory of you is very dear to me. The thought of getting to come home to you keeps me going on the battlefield. I can not imagine the next time I will be home with you and the children. I long for the day that I see your rosy cheeks and blue eyes again. As we travel this difficult road towards endless fighting, remember I am always with you. George Master to Miss Amelia Howards

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011


the Medium

“Waterloo, couldn’t escape if I wanted to. Waterloo, knowing my fate is to be with you.”



The Cries of Our Enemies BY KCIG ARTS EMPEROR

Location: Cambodia

‘Tis glorious to hear the enemy shriek and howl with pain as our troops take them down to hell and personally deliver their wretched souls directly to Satan. No sweeter sound has crossed my ears than that made by the terror of enemy civilians as their men are killed one-by-one by our artillery.

The Arts Page is strong! The Arts Page will prevail! The Arts Page shall reign over the right side of the centerfold for 1,000 years! My heart has never been so happy as when I heard the final breaths of the Opinions Page Army expelled as cries of agony. The only sound possibly as great is the silence of a blood-soaked battlefield littered with enemy corpses.



Top 3 Batte Hymns

1. La Marseillaise “Drive on sacred patriotism Support our avenging arms Liberty, cherished liberty Join the struggle with your defenders Under our flags, let victory Hurry to your manly tone So that in death your enemies See your triumph and our glory!” 2. The Star Spangled Banner

“And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh! say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?”

3. Glory, Glory Halelujah

Cheer for the banner as we rally ‘neath its stars, As we join the Northern legion and are off for the wars, Ready for the onset, for bullet, blood and scars! Cheer for the dear old flag!



the Medium WINNER

“You’re such a dick, you put his face on the cover!”



To my gay roommate, CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING SHIT. When I agreed to live with you, I imagined fashion tips, kitchen appliances organized alphanumerically and lots of hot girl To the male assholes friends. Instead, you that walk around withfling your clothes around out shirts, We get it; you the room like an ape with want to show off your his feces and our kitchen awesome bod. here's the sink is piled taller than thing though, NOBODY Marge Simpson's hair. To the guy from last wants to see your scraw- The pubes I had to pull week's personals who ny hairy chest. Women out of the shower so that thinks i'm tryna get girls are disgusted by you and I wasn't wading in 6 inchwith my shitty fake Brit- men just laugh at you. es of water looked like ish accent: actually I bet Give it up dude, unless something produced in a my girlfriend that the you have tits nobody New York City sewer. In girls I talked to would be wants you to be fact, I would have rather so drunk they wouldn't To Facebook, Stop add- bathed in the sewer. Also, notice how shitty my shit- ing so much new shit that your feet fucking stink. ty fake British (specifical- I will never ever ever Put some socks on, that ly: Welsh) accent would use. No, I'm not making is, if you can find them be. I got seven numbers a poll to see how insecure in the City Dump that is and deleted them all for I am or poking anybody. your side of the room. funsies. Umadbro? Can we please go back to Prick. Dear roommate, some- using Facebook for what To the bitch who freaked how your snoring ended it was originally for out about a cup of beer up making it through looking up exes to see spilling on her boots at my headphones playing how fat they got?? that party last weekend: Periphery at full blast To the girl who said she What the fuck do you exat 3am. ARE YOU AN loved me but wouldn't pect? You're at a crowded EARTHQUAKE MA- blow me, that's not love New Brunswick house CHINE? HOW DO YOU To the fat chick who de- party. Next time, don't DO THAT cided to sit next to me wear the $300 boots your To the girl in my building on the bus when there mom bought you out to who thinks she's doing were clearly several other a party. I hope you got me a favor by helping me empty seat sections avail- roofied, bitch. make ratio… i am okay able, Thanks, I always To the group of guys who with you getting roofied wanted to be sandwiched refused to stay to the right and leaving the party between a wall and a of the sidewalk forcing with (x-1) people where x walrus. me to get my shoes mudis the number of people i To the douche bags that dy: We fucking have unstarted out with. Fuckin' are always riding their written rules for a reason. pretentious cunt. It's like choosing the fargoddamn long boards, To the ripped supathug grow the fuck up. We are thest urinal when you're on the bus. Here's the in college now and can pissing. It just works. May 1,000 fleas find their thing about those shitty drive. Speaking of Beats headphones: you driving, Is it wrong that way to your genitalia by may feel like blasting every time I see you skat- dusk. To every frat, sorority, them super loud to es- ing by me when i'm in tablish your "don't care my big boy car that I church, religious extrem'bout otherzz" demeanor just want to run your ass ist group and deaf amputee: No, I do not want the and "don't fuck with me" over? attitude, but guess who (Let this be a lesson, content photocopied flyers you just caught you listening beats repeating the same seem to pull out of your word and topic over and ass by the dozen. I also to Kylie Minogue? over. Also, damn kids and sure as fuck do not want (Ladies and Mentlegen, your longboard walrus and your poorly iced cupyour winner. Might I also stuff.) cakes for "just a dollar." It add that he prefaced his submission with the statement To the sloppy slut on has been upgraded from “Being editor for a week Easton Avenue whose "inconvenience" to "haswould make me giddy as R. skirt was so short that sle" having to pretend I'm Kelly around fourteen year a slight breeze passing on the phone every fuckolds”) by could claim it scored: ing time I want to walk This box was originally Your tampon string was into Brower for a shitty intended to be filled, but dangling in said breeze. lunch. That is all. sadly it’s not. Oh well. (Fuck this shit, only don’t) Everyone saw. Eat shit. To my friend's roommate. For some reason you still smell like rampant body odor when you get out of the shower. I don't think it works that way. I'm going to surround your bed with so much inoffensive potpourri and spray you with so much Febreze that you smell like Pier 1 Fucking Imports when you wake up.

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011


To the loud ass Asian girls on Busch, please shut the fuck up. Quit squealing, this isn't a Japanese porno. If you don't shut the hell up I'll give you a bukake of your own.

Believe it or not, this is George Street, right here in New Brunswick, circa 1971. Hard to believe there was “stuff” right here back in the day. This very scene was the source of a personal when this paper was in its infancy: To the guy driving the bug with the Kansas license plate driving down george street the other day, how the fuck did you end up in New Jersey? Did you get picked up by a tornado and dropped here? Listen Dorothy, more your ass and keep up with traffic before I smash into your little shitbox

A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR GUY Thank you all for a successful personals contest, and let me just say, you are one fucked up group of people. You know who you are. To those who won, congrats, and to all others that submitted, you can always just bite the bullet and, oh, just buy tickets. I’m not commenting too much this week to let the personals speak for themselves. So enjoy the pissed off rage and look forward to next week’s issue, where someone else’s bullshit gets to grace this wonderful page.


Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

the Medium

“I’ve got balls of steel!”




To my Roommate, I’ve had enough. You ate all of my food in the first 2 weeks of school, you smoke pot every night of the god damn week, I don’t even know if you go to class because every single time I’m in the room during class hours you’re sleeping or out in the gazebo getting higher than the clouds. Last night was the final straw. If you get too drunk don’t puke in the room just because there’s a garbage can at the foot of your bed. Get your sorry-drunk ass out of bed and puke in the fucking toilet. And also clean your side of the fucking room it has looked like crap since you moved in. Finally just because your daddy comes to take you out for the day doesn’t mean you can just up and leave CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING PUKE. seriously the entire floor won’t walk near the room because of the smell and you already used all of my febreze you sorry asshole. Sincerely, Your roommate who has had enough of you fuckhead

What the fuck is up with the guys in full spandex body suits running around College Ave? Is someone holding a bizzare fetish convention in New Brunswick that flowed over to the campus or something? Or is it this the true essence of Jersey residents?

To the bitches who numbers I get at parties or whatever, don’t fucking give me your numbers if you’re not going to respond the next day. That type of false hope ain’t cool =/ (Nah they were just too nice and/or weak to reject you outright.)

(You have no idea, it’s a secret plan to turn you into a flaming homosexual.)

To the girl that lives in the house next to me. You ruined a good thing between me and you. We could have been the best of fuck buddies. But no bitch, you decided to have a stinky vagina. Like dam, it was so bad that I’m writing about it. I still feel like I have the smell on my fingers. When I was fingering you, at first I was like “Yeah I’m gonna get some =D” but then this horrible smell came to my nose and I was so surprised it was your pussy bitch! Like at first I felt bad cause I gave you this bogus line that I had a girl and I was feeling guilty half way through, but in reality I just wanted to get out of To the RA that was stud- that stinky situation and ing in the Quad III study pronto! So fuck you bitch launge at night, please and learn to wash! tell the hoe you were (What is it with all the fail with to STFU some of us sex this week?) need (Aaaand, the problems with To the girl who practicaltrying to submit personals ly dry-humped my dick into a fine powder, I’m in 170 characters or less.) sorry you were on your A.M. is so bad now the period but did you have targum isnt even show- to literally make my dick ing him any love bleed? However, I do apTo my ex-Girlfriend. preciate you proceeding Thank you for making it to blow me anyway, fresh impossible for me to en- wounds and all. It was joy any kind of intimacy actually pretty good. Just with another woman. sucks I can’t jerk it for the You weren’t a whore next five days =\ when I dated you, why (Consider it karmic justice are you now? Love, Your usually it’s the girls whose ever loving ex boyfriend. privates bleed. Now you (Well if she’s that big of know how it feels.) a whore, chances are you To the president of that weren’t...satisfying. And organization I joined, to your ex: looking for a real you are one sexy bitch. freak? Drop me a line ;-) When I see you take To segway guy: Dude, charge, it makes me wish you function on a level you’ll take charge in my of pretentiousness that I bedroom, wearing those can hardly fathom. Who nerdy but slutty librarithe hell comes to Rutgers an-like glasses of yours. with that kind of cash Every time you talk about to burn? And where do community service, i just have to go all the time? think about how I want Don’t you have the de- to do a service to that ass cency to slow down and and nutting on your face not nearly run over ev- and lenses. eryone you pass?

MORE CONTEST ENTRIES Dear Dude I Danced with on Friday, I know you think it’s a sexual-seductive dance move to grab me by my crotch and lift me off the ground. But unfortunately, my vagina doesn’t feel the same way. Love, The Slutty Lumberjack

Dear Roomie, Next time you wanna make out for two hours at 3 AM, try to pick someone with less saliva. Not even my iPod on full volume could drown out the slurping sounds. Dear Roomie, I get that you need a little sexy time for yourself, but that’s not what I needed to hear this morning at 4:30AM. When I woke up, snuggled in my warm bed, I thought to myself how wonderful it was that nothing terrible could ever happen to me. Then I heard a breathy moan from your bed. I thought you were talking in your sleep, but the noises continued. My only option was to flop over loudly, so you would know I was awake, and you promptly left the room. I just want you to know that I know what was going down, and I know that we will never make eye contact again. To My Roommate’s Weave, If you could stay on her head, that would be nice. Because today when I bent down to plug in my hair-dryer, I stood up and my knees looked like they belonged to a black Chewbacca. That is not something that I need right now. Or ever. (Methinks you might need a new roommate...) To the two girls I saw holding hands today outside records hall: $20 to watch you two fuck and pee on each other. Seriously, find me.

YODA SATANIC OF DESK THE FROM Thank you (seriously) to everyone (all twelve of you) who submitted valid entries to the Personals Contest! We have selected and notified the three winners. To those of you who did not win, sorry, there were other people funnier than you and better luck next time (the Exxxotica Convention comes around every year). Also, considering that this whole exercise went better than we thought it would (read: people actually participated), we will likely be holding other contests next semester once we come up with something worth giving away, like our editor-in-chief’s virginity (just kidding, she’s a whore). Check out all the entries that we got, I think we have enough space for all of them. Next week you’ll all get to meet the grand prize winner and not hear one of us bitch for a week. Although you can all make this poor bastard’s life a lot easier by submitting a lot of personals to That would seriously be rad. ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor



Please stand behind the white cock while the cock is in motion Cock requested

A cock walks into a bar. The bartender asks: “Where are your two bodyguards?”

The next cock is Zimmerli Cock Museum I beat my meat then go skeet skeet Lesbians don’t cook, they eat out Tunechi Rozay Rozay Tunechi Tunechi Tunechi Rozay Tunechi Rozay Rozay Tunechi Tunechi Tunechi Tunechi Rozay Rozay Rozay Tunechi Rozay Tunechi Rozay Rozay Tunechi Tunechi Tunechi Rozay Tunechi Rozay Tunechi Tunechi Rozay Rozay Rozay Rozay Rozay Tunechi Tunechi Rozay Tunechi Rozay COCKA!!! (Dude seriously wtf.) Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls! To my friend, I’m sorry that I made you stay on the phone with me that time I got wasted and thought I was gonna be lost forever because I got off at the wrong bus stop. It really helped to have you there while I walked in circles and cried for 20 minutes. Thanks for not getting mad when it turned out I was right next to my dorm the entire time.

(FINALLY something funny from you.)

To the guy in the wheel chair at the football game on Saturday afternoon, get out of the way the team is trying to get to the field and nobody cares about the handicapped. I’d say they’re going to hell but not even hell has elevators so because people in hell have standards. Normal people only pretend to care because they think driving around in a wheel chair is super awesome because you can be super lazy. They don’t know your pain, and I certainly don’t give a shit. (Okay I’m the Personals Editor and even I think that’s fucked up. Seriously dude, if you’re gonna rag on a cripple at least send him downhill into oncoming traffic or something. And I hope you aren’t talking about Eric LeGrande because I really don’t want the University to hate me more than they already do.) To the guy in the wheel chair at the football game on Saturday afternoon, does your loser cart even have four-wheel drive? I hope so cuz its snowing cat and balls out here. (Alrighty then, sounds like that is who you were talking about...and that makes both of us complete, utter assholes. Isn’t it fun?)


Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

“When I get down I take a look at my enormous penis”


Intermediate Techniques


LYRICS Kids say the darnedest things...but the shit their parents say is worse

This week, a variety of techniques used for stimulation of the vagina have been compiled for public viewing. I hope you find good use for these techniques and that you will email me to let me know which one is your favorite. The Spocker

Beginner Techniques

2. Imma pick the world up and drop it on your fucking head “As a physicist and the parttime neglectful parent of Wayne, Jr., I’d say that this violates the laws of gravity.” 3. I’m in love with a stripper “OH GOD. GRANMAMA IS GONNA ROLL OVER IN PAIN.”

The Showstopper


by Supa Krupa Troopa

1. I whip my hair back and forth “My child best have that weave of hers combed and braided neatly otherwise imma beat her black ass.”

The Rocker

The Teaser

The Pleaser

The Shocker


For the first time this semester a crossword puzzle has been displayed for your solving pleasure. Don’t overthink anything, as the answers are definitely just what you think they are. This is an easy puzzle. Seriously.

4. Jesus, take the wheel “Aw sweetie! I’m so glad you put so much faith into Jesus, but I don’t think he has car insurance or a license!” 5. I keep bleeding love “At your age, you're going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get Chlamydia... and die. “ 6. Hopped up out the bed, turn my swag on, took a look in the mirror said what’s up “If you miss the damn bus again boy, I’m sure as hell not driving your ass to



A maze that looks oddly like an animal head. Anyway, start from an entrance and get to the black dot, or go to another entrance if you find it easier. Godspeed my child, Godspeed.



Arc in Round - Diagonal Fields Reviewed by: Joe Scala Arc In Round is a 4 piece group out of Philly. They experiment with a lot of different sounds, from synth to spacey guitar effects. A lot of these songs have a darker sound. I don’t know why, but some of it reminds me of something Dream Theater or Between The Buried and Me would do on their experimental tracks. Still, there is nothing metal or technical about this band at all. Vocals can be spacey and somewhat haunting at times. Some of MY CHILDREN, THERE IS A MEETING OF THE MEDIUM THIS the songs have a slower feel and seem to drag on for a VERY NIGHT IN THE BCC. IT WILL BE AT 8PM. COME OR DIE little too long. RIYL: Kids on A Crime Spree, Noise-Pop, Mogwai Buscemi’s here somewhere...

The Medium 11-02-11  

Rutgers' Entertainment Weekly