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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLII Issue VIII
50¢
November 2nd, 2011
SPORTS?
LOSS TO WVU TOTALLY NOT GARY NOVA'S FAULT BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
BUSCH—For the first half of Saturday's home football game, it looked like the Scarlet Knights would finally break their losing streak against West Virginia University. But, through a series of bad situations, the Rutgers Football team lost by ten points to the Mountaineers. "I don't know what happened," said Coach Greg Schiano. "Everything was lined up for us. We were ten points ahead at halftime and Gary Nova was spot-on the entire game." Indeed, freshman quarterback Gary Nova was certainly the star of the game on Saturday, despite the loss, and absolutely nothing he did could be attributed to the failure of the Knights. "It was the failure of the team as a whole," continued Schiano, "to lose a ten point lead and give the other team the same lead in the course of half an hour cannot be blamed on one person who completely shattered under pressure." Most of the problems of the game could be blamed on the
Blah blah Tony Stewart blah blah NASCAR I'm sorry. My editor wanted me to write more stuff that reaches out to new audiNO(VA) COMPETITION Nova prepares to throw an amazing pass that only a fool could miss. ences but I feel like I would lose a part of my soul if I took this snow, which caused four turn- mountains have snow on them, seriously. overs during the game. so clearly it was all the snow's regrets "The snow totally explains fault and not the freshman who Alcoholic why Nova dropped the ball as has been dropping passes for registering he was fading back to pass," said the past three games." defensive end Art Forst. "The In a post-game press confer- for wine snow came down and knocked ence, Rutgers PR representative the ball right out of Gary's hand." Lauren Walton stated that the tasting class Analysts speculate the two future still looked bright for the "I really don't know interceptions resulted from Scarlet Knights. what I was thinking. West Virginia's increased abil"This last game was disap- This is almost as bad ity to navigate through snowy pointing," said Walton on Sat- as the time I took my family to weather. urday evening. "But to fix this Germany in the middle of Okto"I mean, they're called the problem, all they need is a High berfest. I wound up puking on Mountaineers," said Forst. "And Point Solution©." Potsdamer Platz!"
Alcoholic 'treats' cause Halloween tricks NEW BRUNSWICK—Rather than distribute candy this year, Rutgers University students decided to do something more community-based and offer shots to trick-or-treaters. "I figure, you know, Rutgers students might LIKE candy, but they definitely LOVE getting shitty—so I bought a quart of Travelers Club in case students decided to knock up for us," said Fraternity leader Shawn Brown. Reports indicate that 90% of all Rutgers students who go trick-or-treating are not only confused about their age, but are also easily susceptible to alcohol poisoning. "Once I heard people were giving out shots of booze, I decided to go trick-or-treating to pre-game. I made it through eight houses," slurred a random inebriated Rutgers student.
Hipster only uses mealswipes at CCC
"I always get this one dish that's really delicious, but you've probably never heard of it."
LIQUOR BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER
QUICKIES
Rutgers University Emergency Services were called into action all throughout the night to deal with floods of alcoholinduced vomit on College Avenue and other off-campus roads, which caused traffic jams and reportedly ruined at least 75 pairs of Uggs. Due to the excessive and reckless intoxication of the student population on Halloween night, New Brunswick's city council has enacted legislation which will subject any alcohol dispensation by home owners on subsequent Halloweens to mandatory chuggings of Smirnoff Ice, and for repeat offenders, systematic hazing by each and every fraternal organization on campus. "That's a lot of brooms up a lot of asses. I think next Halloween I'll just give out Snickers like everyone else," said Rutgers student Jack Penrose.
NEWS IN PICTURES
University commences new Navy ROTC program
Cadets will patrol the Rartian River looking for pirates, but will only find homeless people.
Why can't we be friends? ESTABLISHED 1970