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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue VI
NJ Transit Announces No Transit Week
Rutgers Celebrates Near-Win Against Cincinnati BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Cincinatti, OH- The mood among the Rutgers football players on the bus ride home from Cincinnati, OH was spirited and uplifting as they celebrated the near-win against Cincinnati on Saturday. Despite technically losing the actual game, propelling the team towards a 1-5 record, Coach Schiano was proud of the team’s accomplishments. “They played the game like a true near-winning team should,” exclaimed Schiano. “Teel performed exactly at the level we needed by throwing passes that required the Look on the bright side though, you receivers to have rockets shoved up won’t miss your train and you won’t their collective asses which sealed face any delays.” it for the Bearcats.” To help celebrate this new The problem-plagued Rutpromotional taxi cab drivers state- gers team has been struggling to wide have increased fares by 500% stay within a ﬁeld goal for the alfor that week only. most win all season, coming extremely close to almost-winning Jerseyan Dies in against West Virginia, or even winning outright against Morgan State. Self-Service Fueling But with this kinda-victory Attempt against Cincinnati, the only way to go is forward or rather, backwards. “Soon I hope to miss the Jersey Shore, PA- Five people are dead with an additional dozen injured after a New Jerseyan’s attempt at ﬁlling his own gas at a BP station ended with a massive ﬁreball. According to eyewitness reports, the person in question was a random guido, who had never used BY NIGS McFINKLETON the Self-Service pumps before, but STAFF WRITER was running out of gas, and could not ﬁnd a Full Service Station. New York, NY- Over the course of Security camera footage rethe weekend, the UN airdropped covered from the scene of the blast thousands of AIDS infected bisexshowed the student yelling for help, ual prostitutes all over Africa with then trying to start ﬁlling, resulting the intent of widespread infection in a massive spill of gasoline. Frusof the African people. trated, the man lit up a cigarette, What was supposed to hapwhich ignited his gel-covered hair, pen over the weekend was that aids and his attempts at putting it out by in the ﬁeld of AIDS were to be derolling started the inferno. ployed to UN consulates all over Maplewood- New Jersey Transit announced on Thursday that due to budget cuts related to the current ﬁscal crisis, the week of November 9th will be now host to NJ Transit’s newest promotion, “No Transit Week” in which all bus, commuter rail, and light rail routes will not be suspended. “Don’t get us wrong, the Free Transit Week was a huge success,” said Executive Director Richard Sarles, “but we’ve taken on so much funding cuts recently, that we have to balance it out somehow.
Rutgers Coach Greg Schiano is seen with players after the near-win game winning ﬁeld goal and lose the game by one point, that is my dream and that is why I choose Rutgers...its honor,” said San San Tse, the team’s red-shirt freshman kicker. Mike Teel has been instrumental in throwing away the big plays at the end of the game but in order for those mistakes to count, the rest of the offense has to do their
share of the failing. “The team has been working on its 30% catch drills all week and it paid off against the Cats,” said Almost-Winning Coordinator Bob Jennings. “Previously, the wide receivers were hauling in 8% of passes which gave the other teams the blowout advantage.” Rutgers will go into this weeks game against Connecticut.
UN Makes Big Whoopsie Daisy Organization Sends AIDS to Africa instead of Aides Africa to address the growing issue. The apparent cause of this horrible action was a mistake on the part of Donnie McDildo, senior AIDS expert. In a statement from McDildo, he expressed his deepest condolences to the victims, saying: “My bad, I was blogging about AIDS and was angry. So to express my anger I wrote the whole thing with the caps lock on.
Then I replied to my associates question of ‘Should I send the aids to Africa this weekend?’ I forgot the caps lock was on and wrote ‘YES, SEND THOSE AIDS TO AFRICA.’” :) Mr. McDildo went on to say: “Well, it’s not that big of a deal, I mean, looking at the damage control report... Like, only 3 additional people were infected. It’s like tossing a match into a forest ﬁre at this point...Shit, is this mike still on?”
The News for the People, by Some People ESTABLISHED 1970
NEWS! Who Knews? “Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee, we’re talking fuckin’ Lee.”
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
McCain Drops Dead, Palin Field Dresses Him BY NIGS McFINKLETON and WHORE TEASE STAFF WRITERS
Kooskia, ID- People were worried about an unqualiﬁed governor being a heartbeat away from the presidency, well now that unqualiﬁed governor is a heartbeat into the presidency. During a KKK... er I mean Republican publicity rally in Idaho, McCain fell out of his chair and was pronounced dead on the spot. Palin wasted no time, immediately leaping on top of the old man, putting an earmark on him, taking out
a 7 inch combat knife and immediately began to gut and clean McCain right on the stage. “She’s got my, vote. I mean, watching her kids play hockey, being a governor of a state with a population less than that of New Brunswick and able to clean and gut a human being. That perfectly qualiﬁes her for vice presidency, an incidentally now, the presidency,” said a white trash redneck present at the rally. In a statement released by the American Hunters Society, “This
death is proof that the hunting of politicians should be legal as a means to thin out their numbers, preventing starvation and dying without dignity at old ages.” An autopsy performed after the event found that McCain actually died 40 years ago when he heard the decision of Roe v. Wade. But his iron resolve kept his dead carcass mobile. Constantly working his way up to the presidency, there, maybe he would have a chance at overturning the verdict, and therefore, reanimating himself.
Philosophy Student Gets A+ for Nonexistent Midterm BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- Rutgers student Franz Beckenbauer was in a conundrum. After several long weeks of partying, he was now in his Philosophy 101 midterm, and he had no idea how to answer his questions. So he did the only thing he thought he could, just give his professor Bob Burner a blank sheet of paper and tried to talk his way out of certain failure. “Sure, this may look like a blank sheet of paper to you, but how can you tell?” Beckenbauer began. “We could all be nonexistent as this entire universe could be a ﬁgment of brain’s imagination. On other worlds
this paper would be regarded it, and I didn’t even use the is really, really good’ argu- Seriously, what on earth do as full of information. It’s all ‘Both are true: the sun ris- ment. Guess there’s just you do with a bachelor’s in es everyday and this paper something about this class. philosophy?” physical, not logical.” He then added, “Could it be possible that God created a paper so great and so intelligent, that no other paper could top it? And could this paper be so intelligent that to mere mortals, it just looks Staff Writerlike a blank sheet? ” Submit 3 Articles or 15 Personals The strategy worked. Come to Weekly Production Meeting Professor Burner thought for several minutes alone about this argument. Contributing WriterHe then wrote A+ on the blank sheet. Then his Submit 5 Articles or 25 Personals head exploded. He was mildly peeved. This was actually the WEATHER OR NOT ﬁfth time Beckenbauer tried this approach, and the ﬁrst Dude, It was supposed to be nice today...what the fuck? Today time it actually worked. Yesterday Expect a nice day on Wednesday...no really! It’ll be cool! “All of the other professors I’ve tried this approach Thursday Friday simply rolled their eyes and Cracked MARSH gave me a zero,” commented Hair Line MALLOWS! Beckenbauer, “But here, I ace
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THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The ofﬁce of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to every single nice guy out there who reads THE MEDIUM and is shunned by women because of it.
THE FEATURES Wednesday, October 15 , 2008 MEDIUM Wisdom from The Medium Logo Monkey th
“You see now, we are far more than porn and profanities...”
Written by: The Monkey on the Front Cover Hey there fellow Medium patrons, now that some of you new students are halfway through your ﬁst semester here I’ve bet you’ve got a bunch of burning questions about this ﬁne university, but thought your friends were too stupid to know the answers. Well, you know how it goes: when in doubt, test a primate! As the Medium logomonkey it illogically follows that I know a lot about the University and as such will attempt to answer some common queries about Rutgers. 1.) Why do bus drivers randomly stop driving, sometimes for ten or 15 minutes? Driving the buses at Rutgers requires a great deal of skill and it’s important that they don’t get distracted by the preoccupations of everyday life. It is for this reason that all Rutgers busdrivers are subject to daily short-term memory erasure rays. This way they aren’t thinking about the ﬁght they had with their spouse as kids are running across College Ave. streets like born-again Christians. Unfortunately, because the memory erasure technology is new (and developed by a Rutgers grad) there are still a few kinks; as a result the busdrivers have occasional lapses in longterm memory and forget why the hell they are driving a bus to begin with. Fortunately, there are detailed instructions up front that tell them to stop immediately. Sometimes it’s required that they stand outside and check which letter bus they’re driving and sometimes it means conversing with other busdrivers to jog each other’s memory. Next time you see a busdriver, thank them for their dedicated work and speciﬁcally mention which
bus this said dedicated work is occurring. 2.) Why are there such qualitative disparities between the different campus dining halls? You may not realize it, but Rutgers students have different nutritional needs based on which campus they live on. At Neilson dining hall, in order to maintain the feminist spirit that holds Douglass College together, the food is actually loaded with estrogen! At Tillet, in order to acclimate students to the hazardous chemicals breathed in as a result of living on a construction site, the food is imbued with sludge and dust particles jokingly referred to as “grease.” The folks over at Brower, meanwhile, are not ignorant to the partying habits of its inhabitants, so the induced “Brower Power Hour” is actually an exercise designed to give students practice at hanging over a toilet for an extended period of time. And Busch, to accommodate theplain needs of its plain students, have a plain dining hall... Editor’s Note: Yes readers, the awesome monkey to the left of this note wrote this article. He may look like he is confused as to what is being put on that typewriter, but I assure you that you may be assured of our assuredness that you will hear from it again next week...
or text me anymore.” & “OMG Hey hows college going? It’s going kickass for me. r u back for Thanksgiving vacation cause we need to hang out. I just bought a bong with a zebra design. Its so awesome, ill send u a pic.” In the beginning, God created the World Wide Web and the In- So God made walls and he decided that they were not enough, so he also ternet. Now the Internet was formless and empty, so the Spirit of God made the super wall, which made it easy for people to draw blue penises decided to create a new social networking site, and the good Lord said on your proﬁle. God saw that and He thought it was Nightmare Before Christmas-tastic. “cause Myspace is getting a tad bit gay for me....just a tad bit” The Sixth Day... God saw that his Facebook was The First Day... And God said, “Let there be Facebook!” and there was Facebook and God said it good...not great, so he created devices that enabled was The Legends of the Hidden Temple-tastic. (Yes... people to expand their proﬁles. And God said, “Let God was a fan.) there be way for people to ﬁnd out what Marvel charThe Second Day... And God said, “Let there acter or Dildo-size a person is by answering questions. be a way for people to see each other’s favorite interAlso there should be a way to nominate friends like ests, music and movies, birthday, crappy pictures, their “is most likely to be raped by a ghost” or “most likely clever attempts at funny political and religious views to grind with Barbara Bush.” There should also be a and to see what their friend’s relationship status is...so way to compare friends to see who is more likely to they can hit that while the time is right.” So God made turn you on, have the best sense of humor and who the proﬁle, so now kids from your 4th grade class can smells like shit the worst. Finally I want people to send add you as a friend and see what you’re up to one another bumper stickers of events and sayings that The Third Day... And God said, “Let the prowere popular the week before.” God made these and ﬁle display what that person is doing at that moment so called them applications, which made is easier for peothe others can glorify that “Stephanie is just napping or ple to annoy the fuck out of their friends by sending sooo bored �” or list some shitty band lyric describthem quizzes and recruitments (Stop fucking sending ing their mood at that instant. God called those stame those...I don’t give a shit about the ‘Saved the Bell tuses and saw that they were Mighty Morphin Power Quiz’ and I don’t want to be recruited for the werewolf Relationship Status: It’s complicated society). God saw them and thought they were Mike Ranger-tastic. The Fourth Day... Then God said, “Let Teel-tastic. there be a way for people to meet each other through a common interest The Seventh Day... God rested on his futon, rolled up a joint and like Those that are slightly turned-on by Two Girls One Cup, John Tesh made a movie marathon out of his day. He watched Donnie Darko 3 Fans of the World Unite! & 1,000,000 Strong for Rutherford B. Hayes. times (cause he still doesn’t get it) and The Boondocks Saints (cause as Let people who dropped their cell phones into the toilet, threw it against God says, “It’s legitimately the best fucking movie ever! What was you a wall or beat a homeless person to death with it inform others of their just said” *Lightning Strikes”). He saw those movies and all was good... mishap and get digits for their new phone....to then lose it again” So God God Superpoke’s Life into Adam Selection fromGod’s made groups to accommodate those people and He thought that they were Mini-News Feed Walker Texas Ranger-tastic. The Fifth Day... And God said, “Let there be a way for friends to God sends Flaming Bush to write to one another pointless comments of their daily pointless lives. He Moses using divine signs apwanted people to feel loved on their birthday by getting the same note, plication. Comment “Happy B-day bro” 57 times on their proﬁle. There should be messages God tagged in Album: like “Heeeeeyyyyy!!!! I’m so bored. Let’s chill sometime. You dont call Sistine Chapel Ceilling Written by Hey Zeus Staff Writer
OPINIONS “Richie, eat your crust.”
Point/Concurring Point:Bus Riders got off. You are CUNTS! Just because your fatfucking legs can’t bear to hold your fat fucking gut for more than two minutes before crumbling under the weight, you decide to rub your dirty (never been touched before) body against me trying to get a seat. Let me get the fuck out of it ﬁrst you fucking knobjockey. Actually, my bad, you have never seen a penis because you are too fat! Cunt! Next time you fail to let me off, I am going to Swayze drop kick your ass onto the pavement and then jump off your fat gut and onto your fat chops! Then I am going to pick up your fat ass and throw it under the bus as it drives off and over your head, killing Whoa, did busses kill your fathers and rapeyou instantly, purely beYour Mothers? Something must have trauma-cause you are a fat, impatized you two at an early age tient fuck. And don’t kiss walk yourself to and from two fucking seats next to your teeth at me bitch. I will cook douglass. For us other me on the bus by the way, fucking knock them out student that have decided you smelled like a fucking CUNT! that we give a fucking shit tuna sub, get some fucking Editor’s Note: So, both of about our lives when we deoderant. If i have to start you hate bus transportation. leave this sanctuary of edu- throwing punches in order I can’t wait to see your recation and show up to class to get onto the motherfuck- actions to a future where we everyday do not appreciate ing buses I will do it. I fuck- will all have to take busses you taking up standing room ing hate you all. to reach wherever we want on the already over crowded to go. While the rest of us C o n c u r r e n c e : would ﬁnd this future to be buses. And for the other People on the utopic, you two would ﬁnd population of good for nothbus are fatass- this future of crowded mass ing hoodrats that roam the transit to be a non-stop, 24/7 streets of new brunswick es hell on wheels. And you are By Steve B. who do not even fucking at- This is to every single going to be stuck with it, tend this university who ride motherfuckers who decide whether you like it or not! the bus anyway, you guys to worm your way onto the mwahahahahahahahaha! are nothing but a bunch of bus before everyone else has fucking asshole freeloaders who are a waste of society and life you should do what is best for mankind and let the STUDENTS ride the By Alex J. buses since we actually Listen up shitheads have a fucking plan in life who decided to go to class and intend to become bettoday for the ﬁrst time in ter off than you. That also weeks because you had exincludes the fat ass 45 year ams, you can take your lazy old woman who took up fucking fat ass and feet and
Point: People on the bus are fatasses
a fucking guarantee that someone would put EXTRA ﬂyers under your door just to fuck with you don’t you? And guess what, that someone was me. ;) I got so much pleasure later out of seeing those torn up menu pieces scattered all over the ﬂoor
Torgo Van Pelt is a lazy douche who couldn’t write any complete articles this week, so I, Satanic Yoda, with help of cal en, forwarded shit so he could have a full page. Don’t worry, we’ll force him to write more opinions next week. Meanwhile, we need your opinions! E-Mail them to email@example.com. Oh, and come to our weekly meeting at room 439 of the Rutgers student center, this wednesday @ 9 PM.
we get hate mail!
(And It’s Not Even From the Centurion!)
Blogs Are the Future (Apparently I Guess) Is this supposed to be satire? No offense, but I’m not even sure If I could call it entertaining or funny... I write for a political blog, doing serious and satirical articles when I can. If you guys want to continue making fun of the ridiculous, thats up to you. But I think a whole lot more people would read your paper if you made it more satirical, like the following article I wrote. Feel free to take or discount my opinion though. ~Lonnie A. Editor’s notes: Aw, isn’t that cute, bloggers wailing out against the tyranny that is print media, yet again. He provided us with a link to one of his blogs, but we’re not bloggers, so we have taste. We’re shielding your eyes from the link for your in the hallway. Seriously own good. chick, you got some rage issues. The ﬂyer dudes are just doing their jobs, so just put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us by just TOSSING THE FUCKING MENUS IN THE TRASH!!
Get Your Own God Damn White Board By Mel T. To the people that always swipe their ﬁngers through whatever happens to be written on the whiteboard on our door - FUCK YOU! Just cause most of you antisocial bitches ‘n’ bastards don’t have boards doesn’t mean that all of us hate actually communicating with other people. I hope the cockroaches migrate into room and lay eggs in your underwear. And further more, hey crazy girl on the ﬂoor - I can’t believe you put up that sign on your door that said ‘Stop putting ﬂyers under my door, if I want to eat at your restaurant I will’. You do realize that was like
Wed., Oct. XV, ‘08
Response by Medium Writer Cal En Three questions: 1) How many readers do YOU get? I’m sure you have access to some manner of eyeball counter for your blog. 2) Is what you’re essentially saying is “You’re not funny. But if you were like ME you would be HILARIOUS!”? 3) Did you know that the Medium is currently hiring writers and we accept all submissions? Because if you don’t like what we print, guess what: WE’LL PRINT YOUR SHIT TOO! Another Editor’s Note: Ok, I lifted this response word for word from a ﬂaming e-mail response Cal En sent to this guy. Not the most original thing to do, but hey, we are print media; we do know wrong.
Should Read “ASSHOLE”
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
“Listen... I only have sheeps. Just give me your FUCKING wheat”
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE EDITORIALS Sad news: our beloved Arts editor, Meathead Sandwich, has taken a break from the Medium, citing minor “insanity” concerns. Do not worry, though, as your faithful Managing Editor, Cal En, will take care of such duties until a replacement is found or she re-
turns. However I’m not as good as her in a multitude of areas, so that is where you, the reader, come in. Send it in. Send in your drawings, send in your doodles, send in every fucking thing you have that’s related to art.
Actually. I’m going to up that even further. Arts covers television and movies and video games as well. Because of this, we will even except reviews or impressions of all of the aforementioned forms of entertainment. Until the glorious
I Need Mental Help
SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WHAT GOES ON IN MY MIND IS PUT INTO PRINT? DO YOU FUCKING SEE???
day that you guys actually decide to send stuff into this section, I shall give you my disgusting and generally inappropriate stabs at “art”. That involves reviewing what I’m watching (almost always some shitty anime show) or turning something that I draw on my roommates’ whiteboards into something that can be printed. However, I do not possess the talent or the pa-
THE MEDIUM tience of our previous editor, so please bear with me. So, with no further ado, I present you with my mangled version of the Arts page.
Cal En Managing Editor (send submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com)
The After Story Should Prove to be Just as Good as the First One Clannad was awesome. If you didn’t like it you’re a gay. Getting that out of the way, I shall continue with my impressions from watching the ﬁrst episode. The ﬁrst thing one notices is the OP. Well, there’s the bit before that, but that’s not nearly as important. One thing that was cool about the ﬁrst part of Clannad was that the OP was good enough for me not to skip. After Story continues this tradition and builds upon it, with an OP so awesome that it must be listened to one hundred times or so to be fully appreciated. Just ask my roommate. The OP, like so many OPs, drops a great deal of
hints to the viewer of what they should expect for the coming episodes. It’s still too early for me to call much, except there was a distinct shot of a girl from behind with Fuko’s hair, so something relating to that should pop up. Also, After Story is based upon the bit after the Nagisa route. As such it’s based around Nagisa. It was a bit surprising to see the other girls to OP, but give the fans what they want is probably what KyoAni was thinking. KyoAni loves the pander. Anyways, my ﬁnal verdict is that for anyone that liked the ﬁrst Clannad to get on board and start watching the After Story. Shit is SO cash.
THE MEDIUM To the dude TA in my Commuinications class, is there any possible way you could be less European and hot? No one is really paying attention to paradigms when your jeans are THAT tight.... What the hell Woodbury 2nd ﬂoor? You used to be fun.... To all of you morons at Scott Hall who keep using that door that is broken; STOP IT! THERE IS A SIGN ON IT! Come on people! I thought you where smart! To the girl who found my red AT&T cell phone a few weeks ago and dropped it off at the Art Library: two words, YOU. ROCK. (Holy bongjuice, a personal not injected with hate! I think we’re all gonna die!) I fell asleep in lit class and woke up with a strange barbie doll by a dumpster in Atlantic City... I tried to suppress a fart and now I’m as cramped as a menstrual woman. (You know all that shit about the inherent differences between men and women is just a government conspiracy...) George Bush is in the air vents... listening, listening, LISTENING!!! (no he’s not. George Bush is MASTER of the Internet; he just goes to juicycampus.com) My roommate is getting out of hand. There is a pubic hair on my desk. Someone. help (and Goldilocks said “Someone’s been sleeping on MY desk!” ... and nobody fuckin cared) Snoop Dog for President! (I can imagine the ﬁrst thing to be addressed under the President Dog regime would be the drug policy...) Do the COs on Cook/Douglass pick up after the horses? Or do they just leave it there as a physical manifestation of New Brunswick’s rep as a shithole? Hey terminator, why don’t you take off your clothes?
“FUELLED by coffee... and narccissism!!”
The walnuts on Douglass look like rabbit brains! (who said anything about those things being walnuts?? Seriously, there are NO nuts on Douglass) My like
To the lacrosse kid on my ﬂoor.The next time you don’t put some clothes on in the bathroom, I am going to funnel a fucking bottle of everclear down your throat as you sleep. Sweet dreams bitch To the ﬁnancial aide department: you all SUCK and are a bunch of lskdjﬂkdsfjlskdfjdlsdkjlkgjdﬂkndlkgnfkngbklnblknblcknfblkdnfgldiugjdlirgjdlrdijirdlriudliruliunvmb nb,nnvxkjhkjhrkghdkjfghkdjf Fuck
What about the voice of Getty Lee? How did it get so high? I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy? (I know him, and he does) Bubble Tea Addicts Annonymous; ﬁrst wednesday 10 pm @ Noodle Gourmet For the past few nights I’ve been walking through College Ave. at 2 am in my underpants and a Richard Nixon mask... what I’ve been doing isn’t important... but a woman’s been lurking in the shadows, following me with a shoppping cart. It’s giving me the creeps man!! hey baby, let’s have some erotic fun tonight. Meet me at the intersection of Cliinton and Fidelity streets at 11 Hey, did you know: more and more of our imports are comming from overseas! OOOOHMAN!!! Stay away from Havana Grocery on George St!! A rare crossbreed of a venus ﬂytrap and a Guamish pineapple!!! (yeah, but you can’t pass up a good sale) I liek sekks with animals any1 ner,
seen john conor his mom?
College is so much fun To the douche bag in my when you’re on ant-anxiety transfer seminar on fridays, medication!! Woo-hoo!! You really are a FUCKING douche. Grow a chin; your To the lacrosse kid on my fucking face just molds ﬂoor. The next time you straight down your fat don’t put some clothes hairy neck and I’m sick on in the bathroom, I am of looking at it. Oh and going to funnel a fuck- your stupid little earring ing bottle of everclear is LAME. Normally, I down your throat as you would fucking rip you a sleep. Sweet dreams bitch new hole (I know you’d really enjoy that!) but I Many parentsson in par- ﬁgured all that built up ticular has resists part of anxiety and repressed childhood,” joy that is a anger must come from cherished stressed-out love the fact that you’re a to do.lose school recess douche wrestler. So Many parentsthe pressure, I’ll let it slide for Blue-eyes blonde latina, now. Get back to me Isabel, deep throats a huge when you grow some cock beneﬁcial but should balls. kthanksbye! not be viewed kids: The American daughter in- To my roomie: why is it that volved have the resources, you take 45 minute showand marketing pitches bal- ers in the morning but still anced with plenty kids: The smell liek hamster? you’re American her kids drive impossible. and you smell to “Perhaps above all, “I hope it will have some (Not like it’s her fault. effect,”compared with vid- The water that comes out eos, enrichmentplaytime of the shower smells as if can create because young it’s the asshole of the res. such as blocks and dolls, hall plumbing system) it’s chasing butterﬂies, playing with or just romp- To the girl who walked ing stress for children in front of me at arc and then totally expected an (I think I am going to cry...) apology. get your head out of your ass and watch R. o’B. where you’re going bitch. I would like to inform you that you’re teaching “To the driver of the F an INTRO course... not a bus who went out of sergrad student course. You vice with a full load after do realize that most of the the North Carolina game students in your class prob- and left us all stranded on ably have never taken an College Avenue at 12:30 anthro course before, right? in the morning, go choke on a dick you fucking asshole.” to the kid who kept staring at me on the bus, To Michael Phelps, sure you you’re cute. let’s fuck. =] can out swim any 4 foot 5 asian in a pool, but can you To the new personals edi- beat the master of swimtor: YOU’RE A DICK....... ming (Stephen Hawkings) .....................OR COCK!!! in the 200 meter butterﬂy? (...am I now? last time I stuck my hand down my pants pants I found I had neither. Oh well, tomorrow’s another day full of new possibilities!!)
(to the dipshit who wrote that: sure you can write anything that pops out of your 2x2 inch mind , but can you actually write anything worthwhile?)
I wish I had an affair with Sarah Palin years ago, ﬁlmed it, and leaked it to the press that she raped a teenage boy.
USE YOUR DRILL TO PIERCE THROUGH THE HEAVENS!
I hate america’s got talent. the dude with the fat forehead won.
(or use your dick to pierce though my... oh wait, someone took care of that already)
Hammer Time 2008 To the asshole who took all my laundry out of dryer 44 at the PAL building friday night: I pissed in your laundry and put it in 4 seperate driers. Enjoy your moldy pissy laundry, dick Are you kidding me? The professor for my Intermediate Algebra class has such a heavy accent that when he tries to say six he pronounces it as sex. Not to mention all his Y’s X’s and 4’s all look exactly the same. And to top that off he gets at least 3 problems wrong (Maybe he really is saying ‘sex.’ Maybe you just have a horney professor. In which case, I could suggest a way to get a sureﬁre A+) No, I was not looking in your window, even though I know you wish I was. I was actually sitting peacefully outside my house doing some writing. So next time you yell at someone out your window, don’t be a conceited fucking bitch and think everyone wants to look at you. I just want to sit outside my house to enjoy the weather, do some writing, and relax without having an arrogant whore bother me in the process. Thank you Hey guys. Dudes. Please write more shit on the walls in the bathroom stalls around campus. I really don’t have anything else to do in there but stare at the comments on the walls or the glorious warts on my cock. Pee pee pee pee pee in my mouth fuck To New Brunswick Computing Services: How about you fuckers stop dicking around with the printing and ID policies at the labs and ﬁx the fact that it takes 30 fucking seconds to open Firefox on any computer that runs Windows! Seriously, I got shit to do and places to go, I can’t waste any of my time waiting for something that takes all of 1 second at home. You people seriously suck at your jobs Hot dogs make you stupid
2008 15, October Wednesday, To those who listen to their ipods loud enough for everyone to hear: just what are you hoping to achieve?! Guess I’m supposed to drop my books, ﬂail my arms and be like “DUUUUDE, your taste in music is sooo cool and I’m so MAINSTREAM” and subsequently drop to my knees while screaming “we’re not worthy!!!” You powerhungry emochildren make me sick (Oh, just let those emo shitbags go deaf. Then they’ll really have something to cry about. Pussies.) Is it really necessary for Starbucks to put on their coffee cups “Careful: the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot”? ... I guess you shouldn’t argue with a coffee cup that can see into your immediate future. I am about to scald my mouth, and I am going to enjoy it... And apparently there are two ways one can scald themselves; the reckless way and the careful way. If the smoothies in Neilson are supposed to be “all natural” what in the name of Oprah Winfrey’s Manicured Eyebrows is that engine-ﬂuid-like substance in the Clorox bottle that’s poured into it? (It’s poison, and it’s in there just for you.) The cows around here don’t moo. They grumble and growl. Shitty cheese comes from pissed off cows. Pissed off cows come from Jersey. (Wow, they’re just like the people from New Jersey.) I opened my blinds this morning to ﬁnd a hundred Canadian geese sitting outside my window. They were all quaking and crapping but when they saw me they all stopped for a brief second. They think they’re gonna intimidate me, well they’re WRONG! I’m NOT gonna take my white car out of the garage, it’s gonna take a lot more than stalking from the goose maﬁa to get ME to crack! Don’t talk shit about Jeff A. (Jeff A. is a fucking no good shitheaded motherfucker.)
“Imagine having a penis-shaped birthmark on your face. That would totally suck.” To that stupid cunt Dear new personal’s editor. By Torgo Van Pelt who doesn’t know thanks for taking the time what the word “alien- out of your busy day to email Satanic Yoda is a lazy douche who didn’t have the time ation” means and thinks me back about a personal i for the poll, so I, Torgo Van Pelt, will write it up for you Rousseau is dumb because sent in about you being “a this week. As you may have heard, LeVar Burton died she can’t understand him: dick”. im glad that you take tragically (Travis Barkerly?) on Saturday in a horriﬁc go back to South Jersey. You your job at the medium that boating accident. We at the Medium remember this master dipshits don’t need seriously and i just want thesbian with this new poll asking : when you hear the no edumacation any- to add the fact that you are name LeVar Burton, what role of his do you think of way. Just continue to also a TOOL! ﬁrst? fuck your siblings. One to the douchebag who A. Kunta Kintae in Roots day the gene pool picks out all the ber- B. The host of Reading Rainbow will get it right. ries from the special K C. Lt. Geordi LeForge (you know the guy with the glassTo any fat fuck who sits be- at brower: YOU ARE es) in Star Trek: The Next Generation hind me in class and insists A WASTE OF AIR. i D.Nordberg in The Naked Gun Trilogy on putting their feet on the depend on those ber- E.Earth on Captain Planet back of my desk while ries and you make my F.The title character in last week’s box ofﬁce bomb breathing like Darth Vader: life difﬁcult. FUCK! Cojones: The Thumbs of Fate:The Mike Teel Story learn how to fucking use a To the guy in front of me treadmill and blow your god- in New Testament: your rat Send us your answer with your personals at damn nose so we won’t have tail is fucking ugly. Cut that firstname.lastname@example.org. Further discussions of this to adjust ourselves to your s h i t . man’s career can be had at our weekly meeting, this terrible unﬁt breath- To the “guy” I saw on Wednesday at 9 PM, Room 439 of the Rutgers Student ing rhythms. And next Facebook who’s status was Center. time you decide to “(NAME REMOVED)’s kick my desk because actions are dictated by you’re bored as fuck and want the phase of the moon.”: to leave but are too much Are you a werewolf or of a pussy to do so, I will are you really a girl? get out of my seat To the frat boy douche in and beat you to death line behind me at brower with the fucking desk! takeout: kick the stupid bitch (1957-2008) (I’d pay good money to see out of your house already. To that douche bag drivthat. No, I mean fat people Stop being a pussy and lay being beaten in general.) down the fucking law before Evidence that the end ing down my street blasting Bruce Springsteen(!) To all business majors: you the bitch gets out of line. Use of the world is near: 1: what are and singing along with it people are too stupid to read your pimp-slapping hand. Girl listening to? - if I EVER ﬁnd out who the bullshit tedious texts I just got bitten by a you 2: what? you are, I’m coming afthat social science majors homeless man! I think Girl ter you and blowing your read. You pretend to be in- I’m gonna turn into Girl 1: WHAT ARE fucking head off!!! HAtelligent by taking calc, but Spiderman soon. YOU LISTENING TO? H A H A H H A H A H A H A ! in reality you are just (No, I think you prob- Girl 2: Mariah Carey uncultured rejects. ably have AIDS now.) Girl 1: I can’t hear (Two things: 1) Anyone doTo all social science majors: Hey pedestrians, roads are you, what was that? ing that deserves to have Just because you read hours for cars! Get the fuck out Girl 2: (takes off head- their head blown off and 2) of tedious texts does not of the way and obey the phones and giggles) I can’t practice with Resident Evil 4. make you intelligent. It just rules of the road, fuckers! hear what you’re saying! Removing heads from zom1: what? bies is fucking awesome.) means you’ve wasted your (Just run those fuck- Girl time and money on a bullshit ers down next time.) Girl 2: (motions for Girl Hey fuckers! Thanks for 1 to take out her earbuds) all of the submissions this m a j o r . Squidward is my dilGirl 1: well? week. Keep sending in shit: To all engineering majors: do. And Spongebob is Girl 2: well what? rants, praises, anything It doesn’t matter how much NOT a contraceptive. that’s on your fucked-up (If dumb bitches spewing calculus you have to take. ( ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ) something other than cum mind. Send that shit to Math majors are better than you. You are expendable Everyone’s got normal re- from their mouthes is a personals@themedium. tools. Build a fucking bridge frigerators in their dorms measure of the end of the net or come and hang out than hang yourselves from it. but I’VE got a special world, we’re truly fucked.) with us Wednesday night Everyone’s got normal re- one! Mine has scenic green Okay, I did it, I DID IT, at 9:00 in Room 439 at the frigerators in their dorms foliage growing inside. I ﬂushed my roommates Rutgers Student Center. but I’VE got a special To that joyous chick ﬂirt- goldﬁsh alive, IT WAS We aren’t really scary, The people one! Mine has scenic green ing with several men by MEEE! It was giv- I promise. the grease trucks: your foliage growing inside. ing me the creeps; it just at the Rutgers Review high-pitched bloodcurdling wouldn’t stop staring at me and the Centurion are, streetlight manifesto: great mating laughter sound- with those plotting, beady though, so I’d stay away band or greatest band? ed like my dog. Do you from them. They bite, and ( N e i t h e r . ) really want to be com- ﬁsh eyes! I had to do not in a nice or erotic way. i’ve got a sing and a dance pared to my female dog? SOMETHING! Can you not when i glance in my pants ( M a a a a a a a a y b e . . . ) hear the beating heart To the shifty-eyed Chrisfrom the toilet down tians next door - fuck and the feelings like a Whoever designed the the hallway?! Oh sweet you. And fuck Jesus too. sunshiny day new Microsoft Word Jehovah, MAKE IT STOP!!! (I wonder how good Je(I know the song you’re is a fucking MORON! (Don’t Then worry, nobody sus was in bed. referencing, but I bet (You expected something again, he can only rise gives a rat’s ass about you have a small penis. stupid goldﬁsh.) again after three days.) Just venturing a guess.) better from Microsoft?) your
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
“As Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the US, where do they go? It’s Alaska!”
On This Day In History
Here October 16th - McCormick hosts U. Glory Hole ribbon cutting on College Ave.
1888 - Jack the Ripper sends his “From Hell” letter describing his cannibalism. Original creeper.
October 21st - “Seeing Straight” lecture by Asian ambassador Kim Ching Chang at Rutgers Student Center
1917 - Dutch stripper Mata Hari is executed for treason during WWI. Fuckin’ skank.
October 22nd - “Seeing Straight” lecture by The Fab 5 with special guest Clay Aiken at Rutgers Student Center.
1951 - “I Love Lucy” premieres. WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
1959 - BAM! Emeril is born. 1987 - Huckleberry Finn says “nigger” in Harlem; anally plunged.
October 17th – Sarah Palin to play Tina Fey at UCB Theater Correspondent’s Dinner.
1989 - Wayne Gretzky get dentures.
October 18th - Obama courts Asian vote. McCain responds with a Vietnam POW story.
2001 - NASA’s Galileo spacecraft passes within 112 miles of Jupiter’s moon Io.
October 20th – Fergie rejoins the Black Eyed Peas after failing to make up new fake words.
2005 - Iraqi constitution ratiﬁcation vote. Mission accomplished? 2007 – Levi Johnston is a “fuckin’ redneck!”
This is why I’m happy. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX!!
“Finally a job we can do lying down!”
YouTube Video of the Week
k c i k a n n o g ” s ? ’ k “He MY as Some little girl was talking about monsters under her bed or something This bitch is badass. ‘Nuff said. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y