This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
25¢
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
Volume XXXVIII - Issue IV
Jonas Brothers: “Screw Purity Rings... We Just Wanna Fuck!” Simpsons Misquote Leads to Stabbing Highland Park- An unidentified Rutgers student was stabbed by another student at a party Friday night, after repeatedly botching a line from the Simpsons. According to reports, the victim repeatedly quoted Dr. Nick Riviera’s catchphrase, “Hi Everybody!” throughout the party, but misemphasizing the wrong syllables, so it sounded nothing like the real thing. This annoyed one person so much that he couldn’t take it anymore. The victim was transported to Robert Wood Johnson Medical Center, where he is listed in critical condition. After a brief investigation, local police have decided not to file charges.
Travis Barker Survives Another Attempt on Life Evil Headquarters- The entire music industry is reeling as the latest attempt to end the raping of music by killing off Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker failed miserably last week. “We thought that Barker would have been dead after we, shot him in the stomach, replaced his Mohawk gel with napalm and crashed his plane, but the little bastard keeps drumming,” said B. Goldberg, a music industry fat cat. The Evil League of Music has been extremely successful in killing off with artists like Ricky Martin, Aaron Carter and O-Town falling under the guns of ELM assassins. “This is an organization that does not tolerate failure, [Barker] will be dealt with.” Barker gave no comment.
BY FELLATIUS MCDOOGAL CONTRIBUTING WRITER
not the way I was expecting it to look,” said Joe Jonas (the middle child), “I was anticipating it to look Orlando, FL- The Jonas Brothers like God’s lips, but it ended up look(or Hanson 2.0 as they prefer to ing like bulldog with a mouthful of be called) recently came out with mayonnaise.” a statement proclaiming that they Joe Jonas now goes by the threw away their purity rings, which name of Notorious V.A.G. signify their virginity. The younger brother of the The Joe Bros. said in an in- trio, Nick, says he solved the tenterview, “Hey...we just wanna fuck sion between Disney stars Selena as many bad-ass bitches as pos- Gomez and Miley Cyrus, by having sible.” a ménage à trios with them. And that is possible for them “Selena is good, but Miley’s because in a recent survey bad-ass ass is like throwing a hot dog down bitches make up 78% of their fan a hallway.” base, with 13% being Cougars and Rumors have been speculat9% being pedophiles primarily with ing that Nick is known as ‘The New the names of Zeke, Trent and Jeb. Wilt Chamberlain’ around the Dis“I must say, the vagina was ney realm.
Rumors have also been reported that he has contracted Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. “What can I say?,” Nick added, “I have a thing for prostitutes and I’m a-hunkering for some sausage wallets” The oldest Jonas, Kevin (or the Marcia Brady of the group) was not able to be reached for comment, but a publicist has confirmed that he is also a fan of fur burgers. The brothers are planning to release their new song. “I’ll Put My Hand In Your Cookie Jar” and are working on their tour with other headliners including John Mayer and Bret Michaels. The “2008 Prostitot Tour” will cover 300 cities worldwide.
JPChaseAmericaWaMuCoviaStearnsOneDirtDevilFinanicalAmericaAgainWorldCommerceMutualWashingtonBancoEspanaNewYorkFreeCreditReport.com of America Emerges From Bailout BY CAL EN STAFF WRITER
Wall Street- A clause in a “Bailout” bill still making the rounds in Congress will create not only the largest merger in US History, but will create the largest organization in the history of mankind. The idea is that in order to protect the investment the US taxpayer has made in failing banking system, they would need to be centralized and streamlined. Instead of a great deal of banks working against each other, they would be forced to unite, for the greater good of the consumer. “With this new ‘Omni-bank’ the only person benefiting would be the average Joe, as they can use any ATM without incurring charges for using another bank’s ATM! Because they’ll always be the same bank!” said a very excited and unnamed bank CEO. “Let me repeat: this is for the consumer and can only serve
to benefit the consumer.” While several consumer advocates, including Ralph Nader are calling this “the closest to a legitimate, government-created monopoly ever seen,” nobody cares about these people. “Yeah. It’s awesome that
the banks are merging! I had to go three blocks down in order to make a deposit into the Capitol One, but now that they’re all the same thing, I can go to the Citigroup that’s like two blocks away! Think about how much gas I’ll save!” said average Joe, Joe Klamowitz.
The Official Periodical of the Whig Party ESTABLISHED 1970