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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue V
50¢
OCTOBER 7th, 2009
FINANCES
RUSA THROWS MASSIVE ALLOCATIONS PARADE TO CREATE FUTURE LEADERS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—After a close call with some charges of money laundering and nepotism, The Rutgers University Student Assembly (RUSA) threw a massive “Allocations Parade” this past Saturday. The group cites that the parade was a “pragmatic attempt to experientially train future thinkers,” and was absolutely worth the $102 million “I love in- paid for it. R U S A spiring acts Chairman Werner Born of wanton wholeheartedly agrees. spending” “We represent you, Rutgers,” he said at a sumGREG SCHIANO Douchebag mit yesterday. “We’re thinking, what would Greg Schiano do? Blow $102 million on a frivolous eyesore?” No expense was spared this weekend. Attractions ran the gamut, from pop-icon Kanye West performing the acoustic version of “Heartless” to the four live white tigers ridden by Amazon pygmy-men. “We took inspiration from China’s 60th anniversary pa-
THE MARCH OF DIMES rade,” added Born. “We almost got ten Dongfeng 21-c nuclear missiles approved by the Allocations Board, but the money had already been spent on the live porn float.” Attendees of the parade
...and dolla dolla bills, yall
numbered in the thousands. If you missed it, it’s because you clearly forgot to read your “Get Involved: Events and Opportunities” listserv e-newsletter, idiot. Should you disagree with the way RUSA spends its money, suck it.
BELLIGERENT CHICAGO TO HOST ITS OWN 2016 OLYMPICS BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
CHICAGO, IL—Those who would rather watch the 2016 Olympics in a city of greasy pizza, greasy men, and drugs—rather than a city of sexy bodies, sexy beaches, and drugs—will now get their wish. During a press conference yesterday, a emotional, teary-eyed President Obama surprised the world with an announcement of his intentions to dissociate from the Olympics Committee and hold an exclusively U.S. event. “You know what Lincon and I have in common?” asked Obama. “We’re both ballerass presidents, and we’re both from Chicago. Chicago needs this; America needs this; and most importantly, I need this.” Most public officials are on board with the idea. Said South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, “We’re letting the great Teddy Roosevelt’s legacy live on. I shudder to think what the world would be like if the United States stopped fucking with Latin American countries.” Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell agrees. “The U.S. should not patronize the world Olympics,” he says, “and those damn Brazilians are gonna mess up everything anyways. They’ll stick to events only they can win, like watching how high you can bounce
IT’S U.S. AGAINST THE WORLD a coin off their bikini-clad asses.” Viewers who cannot tolerate the extensive Opening Ceremonies will be delighted to know that the U.S. Olympics will have a greatly reduced roster on the Parade of Nations, consisting solely of the U.S. America is expected to be the powerhouse nation in the U.S. Olympics, sweeping the medal podium in all events. To emphasize the superiority of this Olympics, the tra-
Shotty we win!
ditional bronze, silver, and gold will be replaced with gold, “golder,” and “goldliest.” Rather than play the National Anthem as medals are awarded, organizers will play “We are the Champions” at a high-decibel volume loud enough to carry overseas and be audible in Brazil. Michael Phelps commented that he’d rather go to the Brazilian Olympics, because he’s “pretty sure he left his bong in Rio.”
Doin’ the dirty work for you! ESTABLISHED 1970
TRANSPORTATION
Student becomes newest bus driver. BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER AND TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITERS
or students around Rutgers, findF ing ways to pay for tuition and living expenses is a constant struggle. The university normally offers in-house jobs such as working the dining halls or monitoring the computer labs. Due to the recent overwhelming demand for jobs, student applicants are more and more often finding themselves kicked to the street, and possibly in the face. SAS Junior Ryan Hendricks, however, has been lucky enough to secure a job on the street as the university’s first student bus driver. He has been hired by Academy Bus Lines, the company responsible for providing transportation around campus. According to Hendricks, he is the daytime driver for the EE bus which goes between the College Avenure and Cook/Douglass campuses. The first week on the job for Hendricks has been intriguing, to say the least. Despite the fact that he controls his travel to his Cook/Douglass classes, he still finds himself 15 minutes late wherever he goes. “It works out pretty well, except that god damn EE driver takes a fucking 5 minute break for no reason at the Passion Puddle stop!” Hendricks told reporters while taking his 5 minute break at Passion Puddle. “Like right now! The asshole bus driver just made me late to class because he is jerking off or something! Unbelievable.” Hendricks then climbed back into his driver’s seat, wrote something down on his little notepad, carefully put on his fingerless driving gloves and proceeded to take the EE towards his next stop at the Nabisco Food Science building. In an ironic twist, Hendricks now finds that he enjoys pissing off as many students as possible while going about his bus route despite being a student himself. “If they have any problems with me, I just scream at them to get off the wheel well or get behind the yellow line,” Hendricks said excitedly. “If they give me any lip after that, BAM! I five minute break their ass!” Students looking for employent are welcome to apply in person at the Department of Transportation, located at 95 Senior street. Bring three forms of ID, and a condom.