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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
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october 3rd, 2012
Volume xliii Issue IV
KEEP CHOPPIN' ...AND PLOWIN'
RUTGERS CHANGES MASCOT TO SCARLET SERFS BY LIL' BIT STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Officials have announced that the Rutgers mascot formerly known as the "Scarlet Knight," will be changed to the "Scarlet Serf" in an effort to reflect the middle-class values the University prides itself on. "This change represents a chance for the peasan- I mean students, to symbolize what they always have: strong work ethic, pride in what they produce, the desire to tithe a third of their wages, and a close-knit community," Barchi said. "I mean, "Scarlet Knights," sounds sexier, in theory, but serfs can be sexy too!" Barchi said as an underling rubbed his feet near a roaring fireplace within his noble and privileged estate. "I like the idea of being a Scarlet Serf!" said freshman Ben Thomas from where he stood on the crowded bus that shuttled
Nation realizes its Christmas lights are now up early instead of late. Sakai sends notificiation emails whenever a student logs in "We're still working out problems where two or more emails will be sent out instead of just one," said Network Administrator Norm Sameullsen. "We're hoping it will foster a sense of community since you'll always know who is logged in."
THE NEW UNIVERSITY MASCOT SAYS "HAY!" The Scarlet Serf doubles as a grounds keeper, tending to the football field during every game!
students from campus to campus on a daily basis like cattle. "I even bought a new T-shirt for football games...'Serf's Up!'" Thomas said. Not all students were enthusiastic about the name change, however.
"I don't really understand the point of switching mascots. What was wrong with the old one?" asked junior Mel Sullivan, standing in line for her carefully rationed cold mush at Brower.
FOOD & BEVERAGE
Brower chefs 'too tired' to cook, order pizza from Nuebies instead BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
BROWER COMMONS—This past Monday, the chefs at Brower were reportedly “too exhausted” to cook, and instead chose to get pizza delivered for all of the evening’s patrons. “It’s been a long day at work, and frankly I’m just too tired to make dinner tonight,” said Head Chef Bob Johnson. He continued, “I’ve been so busy I didn’t even think about what I’d make for dinner. I mean, we have a bunch of leftovers, but I’m too tired to heat ‘em up. I’d rather just get some pizza delivered from Nuebies.” At 4:30 PM, when the dining hills are scheduled to transition to serving dinner entrees, the dining hall staff reportedly
QUICKIES
Student confuses black man for other black man he saw earlier. "I thought it was the guy who had borrowed my pencil in statistics earlier but it turned out to be just another guy on the bus," said Sophomore Tim Dutch. "Awwwwwkwaaard."
TECH
Apple to Release Steve Jobs Memorial iPhone 5 BY BROSEPH STALIN CONTRIBUTING WRITER
PALO ALTO, CA—In memoriam of the passing of Apple's former CEO, Steve Jobs, a limited edition iPhone 5 package will be unveiled Friday, October 5. The special edition phone will be decorated with a black turtleneck sweater and pair of glasses. Additionally, Apple has included a matching set that buyers can wear themselves. It will also include an iBooks copy of Jobs' biography. The watched a sporting event. When informed students that “We’re phone's wallpaper and screengonna be getting some pizza de- the pizza arrived, the head chef livered,” and asked “Who wants handed student James McEntyre saver will also be permanently $11,000 for the pizza and asked set to a picture of Jobs' face. what?” Siri has been replaced with The entire staff of the din- him to get the door. the proprietary voice software When asked to comment, ing hall then wheeled in a tele"Stevie" which is a matching vision into the dining area and Continued on Page 2 replica of Jobs' voice. sat around in sweatpants and Continued on Page 2
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