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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
october 3rd, 2012
Volume xliii Issue IV
KEEP CHOPPIN' ...AND PLOWIN'
RUTGERS CHANGES MASCOT TO SCARLET SERFS BY LIL' BIT STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Officials have announced that the Rutgers mascot formerly known as the "Scarlet Knight," will be changed to the "Scarlet Serf" in an effort to reflect the middle-class values the University prides itself on. "This change represents a chance for the peasan- I mean students, to symbolize what they always have: strong work ethic, pride in what they produce, the desire to tithe a third of their wages, and a close-knit community," Barchi said. "I mean, "Scarlet Knights," sounds sexier, in theory, but serfs can be sexy too!" Barchi said as an underling rubbed his feet near a roaring fireplace within his noble and privileged estate. "I like the idea of being a Scarlet Serf!" said freshman Ben Thomas from where he stood on the crowded bus that shuttled
Nation realizes its Christmas lights are now up early instead of late. Sakai sends notificiation emails whenever a student logs in "We're still working out problems where two or more emails will be sent out instead of just one," said Network Administrator Norm Sameullsen. "We're hoping it will foster a sense of community since you'll always know who is logged in."
THE NEW UNIVERSITY MASCOT SAYS "HAY!" The Scarlet Serf doubles as a grounds keeper, tending to the football field during every game!
students from campus to campus on a daily basis like cattle. "I even bought a new T-shirt for football games...'Serf's Up!'" Thomas said. Not all students were enthusiastic about the name change, however.
"I don't really understand the point of switching mascots. What was wrong with the old one?" asked junior Mel Sullivan, standing in line for her carefully rationed cold mush at Brower.
FOOD & BEVERAGE
Brower chefs 'too tired' to cook, order pizza from Nuebies instead BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
BROWER COMMONS—This past Monday, the chefs at Brower were reportedly “too exhausted” to cook, and instead chose to get pizza delivered for all of the evening’s patrons. “It’s been a long day at work, and frankly I’m just too tired to make dinner tonight,” said Head Chef Bob Johnson. He continued, “I’ve been so busy I didn’t even think about what I’d make for dinner. I mean, we have a bunch of leftovers, but I’m too tired to heat ‘em up. I’d rather just get some pizza delivered from Nuebies.” At 4:30 PM, when the dining hills are scheduled to transition to serving dinner entrees, the dining hall staff reportedly
Student confuses black man for other black man he saw earlier. "I thought it was the guy who had borrowed my pencil in statistics earlier but it turned out to be just another guy on the bus," said Sophomore Tim Dutch. "Awwwwwkwaaard."
Apple to Release Steve Jobs Memorial iPhone 5 BY BROSEPH STALIN CONTRIBUTING WRITER
PALO ALTO, CA—In memoriam of the passing of Apple's former CEO, Steve Jobs, a limited edition iPhone 5 package will be unveiled Friday, October 5. The special edition phone will be decorated with a black turtleneck sweater and pair of glasses. Additionally, Apple has included a matching set that buyers can wear themselves. It will also include an iBooks copy of Jobs' biography. The watched a sporting event. When informed students that “We’re phone's wallpaper and screengonna be getting some pizza de- the pizza arrived, the head chef livered,” and asked “Who wants handed student James McEntyre saver will also be permanently $11,000 for the pizza and asked set to a picture of Jobs' face. what?” Siri has been replaced with The entire staff of the din- him to get the door. the proprietary voice software When asked to comment, ing hall then wheeled in a tele"Stevie" which is a matching vision into the dining area and Continued on Page 2 replica of Jobs' voice. sat around in sweatpants and Continued on Page 2
So, You're Brad Pitt ESTABLISHED 1970
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012
“It's very heady.”
MORE FOOD & BEVERAGE
NFL Waterboy Lockout Still Frat boys switch to adminisOngoing tering roofies at dining halls BY THE KILLA WHALE NEWS EDITOR
NEW YORK CITY—While the National Football League welcomed back their referees this past week, the lesser publicized waterboy lockout is still keeping players and coaches thirsty for an agreement to be made. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who has been at the receiving end of harsh criticism for allowing replacement referees, is now being targeted for letting negotiations with the league waterboys slide. “I’m not responsible for these lockouts, it was the greedy referees and now the envious waterboys that want to pull every penny out of our pockets,” said Goodell. League waterboys, who average an hourly wage of $7.25, are asking for $9.00 an hour and a stipend for weekly travel. Unfortunately, the NFL and the team owners do not want to increase wages; rather, shorten their contracts and provide the waterboys less benefits. “Their hourly wage is sufficient, they get one free small fountain soda at all home games, and their 10% discount on Nikeembroidered NFL gear excluding jerseys, hats, and hooded sweatshirts should be enough for them. Their insatiability is relentless,” said Goodell. According to the waterboys, FAST FOOD
...continued from front
McEntyre responded, “He just said ‘Hey, this should cover the pizza for everyone. I’m not sure how much the tip is, but if you had maybe a fiver, if you could just throw that in, I’ll get you back.’ I mean, come on, man.” As of press time, McEntyre has not received compensation for taking care of the tip.
the league does not even allow them to drink the water that they provide for the players and coaches. New England Patriots Starting Waterboy Sherman Hubert, 16, was the first to defy this rule over the pre-season which led to the strike. “I was thirsty so I texted my mom and she said it was okay so I took a sip of water but then Coach Belichick caught me,” said Hubert. “Then they hung me from the goalpost by my shoelaces.” Players now regret their cruelty and insensitivity towards the waterboys as they have been settling for buying 24-packs of Nestle water bottles. “Nestle is always on sale so I have to get it,” said Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski despite having a yearly salary of $9 million including an $8 million signing bonus. “But it has such a weird taste to it. I miss Hubert. I miss his crisp, filtered, Appalachian water.” To further their troubles, Gronkowski accidentally bought a 24-pack of grape-flavored Nestle last week. “The packaging all looks the same!” said Gronkowski. Teammates and players around the league have cited this example as to why the NFL needs to prevent such a lack of judgment by settling with the waterboys soon.
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA BUSINESS MANAGER
DINING HALLS— The semester started only a few weeks ago and fraternity brothers here at Rutgers are starting their usual shenanigans—rushing, hazing, and roofying. Statistics show that 95% of fraternities have not succeeded in administering Rohypnol to their inebriated victims. Studies also show that partygoers are well aware of the danger of not knowing what is in “jungle juice.” “Rutgers admitted a shit ton of folks this year and we figured we might as well use this to our advantage!” said Phi Sigma Zeta brother Jimmy Santos. To increase their success rate, these fraternity brothers have decided to move away from targeting the generic drunk-freshman demographic to every Rutgers student with a meal plan. “I remember sitting in Brower eating mashed potatoes and then I woke up in someone’s dorm with a guy zipping his pants up,” said SAS Junior Ra-
chel Schmidt. There have been countless similar experiences from students campus wide. Reports from Dining Hall staff claim there are students falling face-first into food and collapsing onto the ground. The Brower staff has expressed concern but is alleviated by the strong ethical values of Rutgers men. “Some of the lucky girls were thrown over the shoulders of strong, muscular boys and taken to the hospital! Bless their little hearts,” said Mama Brower. Now students walk into dining halls and are welcomed by brothers in lettered apparel floating around the beverage stations waiting to slip Rohypnol into drinks. “I can’t wait to get girls from different worlds! ” said Kappa Psi Beta President, John Svoka, “Mad drunk biddies at Brower, feminist hippies in Nielson, Asians and engineers on Busch and freshman and business majors on Livingston won’t be able to resist me…not that they could anyway!”
NEWS IN PICTURES
Graphic Designer Doesn't Understand "Stock" Photos
THE MEDIUM IS PRODUCED ON A TRICKED OUT NES MACHINE! COME SEE ON WEDNESDAYS AT 6:30 IN RSC ROOM 439. WE NEED YOUR HELP!
BY ALAN SMITHEE STAFF WRITER
JOBS FOR EVERYONE
...continued from front
Current Apple CEO Tim Cook said, "Unlike Siri, Stevie responds to all questions by suggesting people buy more Apple products. It's real neat!" A portion of all proceeds
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
will go towards furthering the research and development of a perfect black turtleneck that may hopefully be used to summon the ethereal ghost of Steve Jobs.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
News Editors Shane Whelan Stewart Hallman Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano John Eberhardt
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Banjo Man Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Cubby the Pug
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is not dedicated to anyone or anything. Sorry.
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012
“Heavyman syndrome strikes again”
Peanut Butter Jelly Time: Featuring Peanut Butter and Jelly by: Lord Commander Koala Jelly sludged across the barren wasteland to reunite with his long lost love once more. The land itself was treacherous and with each roll, more and more of himself was lost, a trail of entrails as far as the slime could see. By the time Jelly got to the gates there would be nearly nothing left.
breathe before a passionate, loving, and extremely sex deprived Peanut Butter, or PB as she liked to be affectionately called pounced upon him. She tried to overwhelm him, using her whole body to massage every single molecule of his being. Her hands were more eagerly explorative than they had ever been before, going to places that Jelly didn’t even know existed. In human terms, she stuck her 150 fingers into his 150 assholes and split her fingers into even smaller fingers, gently and sensually tickling every part of Jelly that would ever want to be The immaculate surface of touched. the table Jelly was transversing Jelly didn’t want to be takwas so pure that Jelly could see en completely and struggled to each gram of him being left be- move his body through the pleahind. But then, it all changed. sure, but given its amorphous Jelly found his long lost love at nature he managed to do somelast, although she was trapped thing. Through his whimpers of in what seemed like an impen- pleasure he formed eight jelly etrable prison.Jelly threw him- penises and thrust them towards self at the prison PB. She smirked and managed to at his attempt to knock it over, he “She stuck her pleasure her while lunged over it and she pleasured him 150 fingers into applied his body and tried to douweight to prevent his 150 assholes” ble his pleasure by the jar from falling rubbing him even off the table. He more and licking tried punching the jar open and the tips of his nipples til they biting at it all over but none of it were diamond cutting hard. seemed to work. But there was no stopping He noticed a separate part Jelly, his tentacles plunged deep of the jar at the top and tried to into PB’s vaginal chasms and push it off, and with some twist- fucked them like he was sixteen ing, this methop succeeded. and a virgin.(Overexcited and Peanut Butter, the long lost without a pace) Peanut Butlove, came pouring out of the ter and Jelly continued to wrap eternal prison, a smile of great around each other with limbs intensity on her beautifully thrashing and phalluses penamorphous face. Jelly waited to etrating. It was an act of love if hear the first words from Peanut there had ever been one. An act Butter in the many years they’ve of passion unparalleled, and an been seperated but no words act of primal instinct like none came, just a rush of creamy body the world had ever heard of. and a torrent of passionate flesh. This was beauty. Jelly, had but a second to
GENIUS Michael Cera+Samuel L. Jackson = Michael Jackson
Written By: B.K Libra : Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” Blumpkin King Aries : Today you
will argue with your professor over the nature of using the blackboard more than powerpoint. And you will lose.
Taurus : You will
lose a significant of amount of weight, but lose the little humor you had left; essentially becoming Jonah Hill but without the millions of dollars
Gemini : Today you will
laugh heartily as you thank the heavens you passed up that girl at the bar last night you though had crabs.
Cancer : You will grab crabs from that girl at the bar you screwed in your dorm last night. In addition your abs will continue to be flabs and make you very sad. Sorry.
Leo : Today the
takeout ladies at the dining will skimp on your dinner because they’re that fucking bitchy.
will appear on iTunes Shuffle even though you don’t have her anywhere in your library
Scorpio : Today you will
fist-bump Stan the LX bus driver.... and it will be glorious! But not as glorious as it would have been last year because Stan has lost popularity.
Sagittarius : You have
developed an odd fascination for guinea pigs, and you will have to look at pictures of them every hour on the hour.
Capricorn : You gonna
bust a cap in this motherfucker fo show then you gonna go with the flow and find some blow but you gunna be slow and fail to get away as a John Doe
Aquarius : Today you will
sing a random Barry Manilow song on the EE and the two people that are there with you will clap and give you great praise
Virgo : You will de- Pisces : Today is a neutral velop an unnecessary
fear of old homeless people, and the sight of one will cause you to scream and run in the other direction.
day. Is it good or bad? All you know is your gut says maybe. Maybe yes or maybe no, but you know that its maybe so.
THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM FUCKING WHATEVER
BROETRY By: Mister Koala
Roses are Red Violets are Blue I’m a Bro so FUCK YOU. HELLO. PLEASE COME TO OUR MEETINGS SO THAT WE HAVE BETTER IDEAS IN YOUR OPINION. IT IS WEDNESDAYS AT 6:30 IN RSC 439. COME HERE AND HELP THE MEDIUM-UMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMM
the Medium SELF-COMMENTARY
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012
“I swear, I only play iDOLM@STER for the music! Honest!” PLEASE SEND ME ARTICLES
Man, My Beard Makes Me Look Fucking Awesome BY SOME GUY WITH A BEARD
ETHICAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? NO
BY LIZ ELIZABETH
Someone call the cops. No seriously, a beard this good should be illegal. I can’t even begin to imagine how many girls will swarm me once I step outside my dorm. A fire hazard shall come forth as has never been seen before. To be honest, I’m thinking of just shaving it off right now before it gets TOO good. I mean,think about it. A man with facial hair as eloquent as mine will need to be cautious. Cautious of the hordes of jealous men that have set out to retrieve their wives, girlfriends, and fuck-buddies, all lost to my beautiful flavor-saver. On the other hand, I could use this fantastic Missouri Compromise as more than just a shadow to my finely sculpted face. I’m sure I could go on talk shows, live news, maybe even win a Guinness World Record for my heroic achievement. You know, maybe I should just sit back and think. With a great five o’clock shadow comes great responsibility. Let’s see what President Obama has to say.
Sorry, but no thanks. All this studying I’ve been doing lately has been giving me a headache, and tonight it’s just killing me. Besides, I really like to just think of you as a friend. You mean so much to me, and I’d hate to endanger that friendship. I enjoy talking to you so much, and it just won’t be the same if we do...this. You know what I mean, right? I hope you understand what I’m saying. Want to go watch a movie later, instead? I have this great friend Brad that you should meet, so I can get your approval. It’s okay if you can’t make it, though.
BY THE BELLAMY BROTHERS If I swore you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight? If I were dying of thirst, would your flowing love come quench me? If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Now we can talk all night about the weather, tell you ‘bout my friends out on the coast; I could ask a lot of crazy questions, or I could ask what I really want to know: If I said you had a beautiful bodywould you hold it against me?
~bridge leading to outro OH GOD I’M SO LONELY THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
Is the nation prepared for another term How are your grades, with an antibusiness, unconfident, black can to be driven even further into debt president? and our country will never be able to esnow that the first wave
OR JUST LOVE LETTERS OR ANYTHING
of exams is upon us?
“Excellent, of course. Naturally, bad luck had its way with me and I only got a 98 on my last physics quiz, but we’ll see how this exam goes.” Karen Low, Engineering Junior
“Well, I probably should have started handing in the homework before the third week, but come on. He never said in class that it was graded!” Bob McBobbert, Engineering Freshman
“Grades? Fuck that shit. There’s no way I’m wasting the best years of my life studying.” #YOLO Chuck Francisco, Philosophy Major
“Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. I don’t know what I’m going to tell my parents. Shit shit shit shit. Maybe if I start cracking down now, I can redeem myself. Right?” Amy Richards, Sigma Delta Tau Sister
BY MITT ROMNEY You citizens of America have been given an immense responsibility of choosing your president. For the past four years we were unfortunately saddled with a man incapable of providing for our nation as best as he could. We cannot continue on this national experiment with a president who is continuing to not live up to his promise. I mean come on... just look at this guy. If Obama gets a second term we can expect higher taxes than we’ve ever seen. We can expect the average Ameri-
cape from its recession. We need someone who can pull America back on the right path. I believe that with my dedication and fair skin, I can undo the damage from the Obama administration. Oh God, did I say black guy? I meant Obama. I don’t intend to imply that the President is going to do poorly because he is a different race than me. I’m not sure what would give that impression. Seriously, I’m not racist or anything. I just want what’s best for everyone. For the business owners of America. For the little guy. For the white people.
COME TO OUR MEETING WEDNESDAY 6:30 RSC ROOM 439 OR IT’LL BE THE LAST THING YOU DON’T DO
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012
“Burglar Alarm, Derglar Alarm, Jerglar Alarm, Hurglar Alarm”
I’M BITTER ABOUT LIVINGSTON
WHO SAYS I HAVE A PROBLEM?
GIVE ME IDEAS
HORRIBLE APPLIANCE PUNS
the Medium LIVI/COLLEGE AVE
“I don’t know if I want an abortion, but I like the roofies though”
COOK SUCKS CO-
I heard Rutgers should renew those brakes on the buses because it makes me deaf.
To the fugly hippie bitch on the EE last Friday: do us all a favor and shave your hairy muff if you’re gonna wear jeans (really? because i heard you that low. This isn’t should stop wasting your Romania or some shit time writing one sentance where bros go carpet personals that aren’t even munching for shits and witty observations. JUST giggles. KIDDING you guys, keep I hope your boytoy drops a match on your crotch sending personals!!!) and sets your pubes on fire. To the bike-riding cockshiner who knocked the (Girls on Cook, what’s the food out of my hand by problem here? Why are you Lucy Stone, I am really guys so set on grooming looking forward to eating yourselves like lesbian lumthe “fat sandwich” that berjacks? Get it together.) now has dried gum and who-knows-what-else To the dumb bitch on on it from the pavement. the REXB who said “No, As if that shit wasn’t un- I don’t want to” when healthy enough, you had you were politely asked to move forward into all to put livingston, fuckin’ that empty space so more livingston, all over my people could get on the food. I hope you fall for- bus. Fuck you. I hope one ward on your face and day you will be looking that bike seat penetrates down a barrel of a gun so far into your anus and tell the guy on the you’ll give new meaning other end not to shoot, to Adele’s “Rolling in the and all he has to say to you is “No, I don’t want Deep”. to” (Bang). (I’ve got a fat sandwich for Dear Mabel’s Convenient you right here...) Store, I know you’ve been gone for a year alTo the fat person eating ready, but I still can’t get a full plate of fried food over one of the DCC’s at the Livingston dining biggest losses. You were hall: ............ by far the best convenient store in Rutgers and I (To that plate of food in can’t understand why so the Livingston dining many people would stay hall:.........) on line to buy a coffee of lesser quality and higher I got so drunk the other price. RIP. You are still night I was under the missed! Yours Truly impression tht it would -Disgruntled junior who be socially acceptable to hates walking through take a shit on the lawn that massive dunkin doof a house on central... nuts line when entering no point to this personal. the DCC Just being informative. Maybe I just needed to (fuck “the man”, coming confess...Sincerely, into our anti-establishment One Sauced Individual haven and crushing small busnesses with his corpo(I don’t even know what to rate greed!) say to this. Is it supposed to be funny that you took a shit in public? Like even though To every dining hall at I’m unphazed by this, its so Rutgers, can you please disgusting that you would make some fucking deown up to this on a public cent rice? It surprises me how you manage to forum.) screw up one of the easiTo the ones who live in est things to cook. A dam Quad 1, House 13, floor 3, little kid could cook betthird room.....that used to ter rice, c’mon guys let’s be my room :D hope you step up the game. guys are taking care of it!! P.S.- I had a lot of sex in there...a lot. Bed on the left, stay classy guys.
Wednesday, October 3rd 2012
(Somehow they also manage to fuck up vegetables, cereal, and on most days water.)
To everyone who bought the iPhone 5: how does dead Steve Jobs’ jizz taste? Seriously, the cult of Apple is scarier than the Mormon church and they have the fucking magic underwear. OOOOH I NEED TO BUY WHATEVER STEVE JOBS’ GHOST SHITS OUT TO PROVE MY INDIVIDUALITY!!!! Enjoy your new shitty map app and getting buttfucked with spyware, you empty-headed twats.
to my neighbor: your room stinks like shit, like i don’t even know what that stench is but its disgusting, it smells like a bacterial infection or something, its repulsing, because of you I always leave my door closed which makes me look bad like i’m never around or i’m not personable but seriously tho what is that stench and why wont it go away? please just go bleach your whole room, maybe then i’d be able to stand talking to you a little more!
To the driver of the H bus on Monday morning: I thought you fucking died. We were stopped at the visitor center for like 7 minutes, which was totally unnerving, and then I see you hunched over like you were texting or something, but you weren’t moving. Then someone finally got up and asked if you were okay. I only heard you mumble something about an emergency room, and then we got moving again. Gotta say I was freaked out, like you were going to actually die on the way to the hill center. Glad to have survived that one, but it would have been a good excuse for being late to class..
(but it has a bigger screen and a new maps app and a shiny apple on the back of (What a filthy comparison... can’t honestly say I know it!!!) the smell of a bacterial infecTo the cute chick who told tion off the top of my head those screeching harpies but I’m sorry for the hell to shut up in the Doug- you must be living in) lass library on Sunday afternoon: you are awe- To the girl that saw me some. Nothing gets my knocking on the door, I goat like groups of peo- love how you stop to look ple talking in the quiet at me and then go fuck it study room when there’s and left, I heard you’re a group study room like gona be trapped under 20 feet away. Normally a tree and the only one I’d take it like a wuss and who will be around to get no work done, but help you will look at you, you were having none of then think fuck it and it. You politely yet force- leaves for you to have a fully told them to shut horrible painful death aftheir traps, and they did. ter a bear comes and rips I felt like shaking your your fuckin face of. hand after, but like I said, total wuss. Anyway, I ac- (The second I see you,my tually got work done that heart stops beating; my day because of you, so breath is taken away. Only thanks. the sound of angels singing can be heard as I gaze upon (Nothing “gets your goat” my lovely, perfect Brianna. like telling people to shut the ~X) fuck up so you can study? To the person last week You’re a pretty kinky motherfucker, you know that?You who said Koreans on and that bitch sound perfect campus only talk to other for each other, you guys can Koreans. That’s true! have hot study sex..and by that I of course mean no sex (This is flawless and perfect, at all.) I have no response to this.)
(Brianna, please marry me. I can’t take it anymore. You’re too beautiful. ~X) To the pack of “bros” who thought it would be hilarious to park up next to the curb to say some sort of “witty” comment to me, i couldn’t hear a fucking word you said because my awesome soundtrack is douche proof. Maybe next time if you have the balls to park in the middle of the street, you should have the balls to speak up? Besides don’t you find it a bit weird that you were all rockin the same shirts and that there was ne’er a bitch in sight? I mean where the fuck were you guys going the Soggy Biscuit Olympics?
(May if you took you head outta your ass you would’ve Dear Muslims in the Mid- heard what they were say. dle East that are pissing They were probably offerand moaning and throw- ing the best ways for you to ing rocks over the film hook up with a girl. Get off made about Muhammad, your high horse Tonto.) learn to take a fucking joke. You didn’t see me To my fucking roomate burning down any movie theaters when Paul Blart: who decided to ColdMall Cop came out, did play’s “The Scientist” you? No. So maybe you 10 FUCKING TIMES all should chill the fuck IN A ROW. I hope your out and learn to laugh ears explode next time at yourselves. Don’t pre- you play that song. (this is how you get ventend like you didn’t over- NAILS ON A FUCKING geance on a shitty roomact, Denial isn’t just a riv- CHALKBOARD BRO! mate...write a personal er in Egypt. about his sins!Fuck you to (God, I can’t stop thinking the roommate, get your own (Nice reference to the Nile) of you. Be mine, Bree. ~X) drunk food) ru alert for crime: 5 foot 11 chubby indian kid usually dressed in armani accompanied by an indian girl with period problems, on the prowl for food, last seen ravaging a refrigerator in apt 58, if you have any information about this perpetrator or simply if all your food is gone please notify the ru police
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012
“Wearing a suit to the office, no joke, makes you better than everyone else there.”
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
OUT OF CONTEXT
Bilingual road signs? Went to takeout. The I tend to overthink scenarios....girl gives me a smile? Are you kidding me... I lunch ladies were talkShe totally wants to do me. Messages me for class thought this was America ing about Fifty Shades of notes then never talks to me again? Stalk her. Asks to Grey. I am no longer hunStudying for a degree gry. go to the dining hall for lunch? Friend Zone. you are never going to Long story short I need to stop thinking 10 steps use is not very motivat- Why are all of the Mexican’s and hobos of New ahead. I shan’t be doing the word of the week any- ing. Brunswick under the immore. Let’s be honest no one read it and it was kind (Neither is writing for this pression that they are enof gay. paper.) titled to use our busses? #givemeyourseat From now on its personals. I’m actually doing my job Somehow I manage to be for once... woah crazy crazy! I like personals. You like personals. We should hang surrounded by sorority The popcorn vendor is girls that dont shut up in dancing with the crowd out sometime... email@example.com every class.... instead of selling popcorn. Must be Jersey. Dining halls here need #bruce SCREW YOU GUYS I’M GOING HOME to start serving breakfast To the frizzle-haired To the back page editor: past 3:30pm. Weekend (The Boss runs NJ. Plain Managing Editor, stay Keep doin what you’re breakfasts are a good and simple.) the fuck off my page! doin. hangover cure. Sorry you had to miss To the cohort on the left that midnight marathon page; even tho I’m clearly (You know what else is RUEFUL REPLYS of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, the better of the two pag- good? More beer...) Thank you to the gentlebut I’m pretty sure no es, you’re at least trying Its hard to flirt with a cute man who tweeted about one else gives two shits to do well. Also a little girl when you’re coughhow annoying it was to ( let alone one) about the bluntness wouldn’t hurt. ing like an 80 yr old have a beard. I thought spacing. IT’S THE PERSONALS PAGE. You (Plus, you write for the Tar- To whichever music in- my boyfriend was just should be more worried gum; why lower yourself to dustry that decided to making excuses. I sent him a copy and apoloabout finding people to writing for this paper?) sponsor “My Neck, My gized. take over our positions Back” : you have some Satanic Yoda did this for next year; although to serious issues (Wanna know what would be fair a newborn kitten better than any of you jerkoffs ever could... make it better? A blowjob (It’s a banger tho...) could fill my postion. and a sandwhich. Saving (Read: I fixed the the God- Whatever happened to If you defy me once more relationships one personal that asian editor with the on Twitter I will end you! at a time... You’re welcome.) damnned spacing, ok?!) huge tits? I’d never wanna have To the guy last week who To the Features Editor, why don’t you talk any- (He graduated like 2 yrs sex w/ Robin Williams was whining about his fabody anymore? Includ- ago. Find someone else to even if he offered life cial hair: surrender your insureance and 1M dol- balls immediately and go ing me? All you do is sit fap to you sicko.) lars.. He’d be like HEY get a fucking sex change. there gloomily doing you To the head writer I saw WHATS THAT? page, play a few hipster Men around the world walking past the stusongs, and then leave? (Life insurance seems like who are cursed with beOr maybe its just me, and dent center, you look like an odd form of currency.) ing bitch-faced cry themI’m being pissy cuz you you’re 30. When the fuck selves to sleep at night beshot down my Passion are you gonna graduate? Lmao stupid freshman... cause they cannot grow Pit requests. Either way... Are we gonna have an- who the fuck asks Siri forests of manliness on what street they’re on?!! their faces. If you’re too To the News Editors... other Que Pasa day? I big of a pussy to appremiss Dr. K you’re cool. (Stupid frosh. Get a life.) ciate your gift, then peel
the Medium HATE HATE HATE To the fat girl running around on cook in minimal clothing a) do less b) lose more c) thought the animal freaks took better care of the cows To that ginger bitch at Pub last night, why the fuck didn’t you have makeup on? Its an unwritten rule for your kind, and in your case you needed a fuckload of it. I’m thankful I didn’t throw up the 6 shots of jager I had before you showed up. (Their soulessness makes them extra ugly.) To the possibly gay dude in the front row of my Law & Society class. The look you gave me was the creepiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Legit getting a rape whistle for next lecture to assure myelf I won’t dissapear into the back of your van. To the italian pregant chem teacher. How u got a job here is beyond me. I can’t understand a thing u say and u literallly just read off the slides. U SUCK (Probably used her good looks one too many times. Don’t expect her to get promoted anytime soon.)
To racists: Get your racist shit out of the personals and out of print. Open up your white, sheltered minds for a little bit - New Brunswick isn’t a “shithole filled with criminals who are poor and will rob your house,” it’s a city with the skin off of your face a thriving community (What kind of pen name is (I’ll think about it.) I have no strong feelings and go fuck your new va- of people who have had “Godiva’s man-bitch' anyTo the dude who writes one way or the other. gina. And to the editor to deal with racist colway?) this page...why are you You have never seen who backed him up: fuck lege kids and cops and To the EIC, I would ap- even here? From the two more disgruntled drunk you too, bitch. Beards are (as of recent) a fuckload preciate it if your eyes recent personals from white people in one place a sign of manliness to be of gentrification that has resulted in homes being would bore into some- management they clearly until you’ve seen a rain praised! destroyed. Next time you one else’s soul. I’ve got don’t want you here, and delay at a Bruce Springs(Beards are cool after a have that loud, sweaty enough on my plate; I I’m pretty sure you were teen concert month of growing them out. basement banger, think hear our opinions editor once News Editor; so is I’m too cool to wait that of your next door neigh(This is fact.) this a downgrade? Paper could use some staring. long. You sumbit too much bors who need to get up would probs be better off Casinos can blow me. (Either that or get happier without you anyways. anyways...havn’t you grad- at 5am to work three jobs eyes, jesus.) uated yet? in order to support their (A little odd you remember I’d be seriously worfamily and keep a roof To the Arts Editor, I al- my previous positions...per- ried if Zuckerberg cre- To the midget brunette over their heads. ated an app that would that said I was JUST ways find one comic per haps you’re better suited.) show how many times CUTE. Look toots I ain’t (Thats a really long fuckin week that’s legit laugh out loud funny. Keep up Where is Senator Stove? I someone visited your in high school; this is the personal...you lost me at the great work! Also why miss him :( To quote my profile...I’ve creeped one big leagues, either accept hello.) are you always so posi- favorite yellow sponge: too many profiles my drink offer and blow There are so many asians tive? Is it cuz of the com- “This is not the stove I me or get out of my face. here you’d think we were (Let me know if know when ics you draw? know.” that happens. I’m guilty of Fuck the nice personals. on Busch campus. (I would say you’re the best, (Probably moving furniture that crime myself. Had to Y’all are clearly high. SEND ME MORE STUFF find something to fap to.) somewhere.) but, we all know it’s me.)
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012
“I am a quote”
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore Al Gore decided that he wanted to sail the seven seas and collect booty and find lost treasures, so he became part of the crew of a pirate ship!
My Roomate Sleeping
BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | No one loves you
Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 Seriously, be there or be square. Thursday at 12:00 PM rinity Thursday Lunch and Discussion @ Canterbury House Repent your weekend over lunch! Thursday at 4:00 PM Ecology and Evolution Graduate Program Seminar: Dr. John Lill “Tritrophic interactions in forest caterpillars” @ Marine Sciences Building Watching bugs get it on has never been so boring. Thursday at 4:30 PM Game-Changers in Modern Chinese Poetry @ Alexander Library Shit just got real.
Useless Reviews of the Week BY LIL BIT | Personals Editor
Scott Hall Water Fountain
As far as water fountains go, this one was just okay. I walked out of class excited to get a sip of water, but the stream was so weak that I had to lean in much farther than I was comfortable with. I was going 90, and the fountain was going 10. I got so close to the spout that my lips brushed the weird rusty opening where the water comes out, which resulted in an unpleasant metallic taste. Eventually I quenched my thirst by puckering my lips and making a weird slurping noise to avoid a tetanus infection. I would give this fountain 1 out of 5 stars.
Scratch and Sniff
Finally someone sent a picture of their roommate sleeping! Good work! Now all the rest of you need fill up my inbox with pictures of you guys sleeping, keep up the good work!
No man can resist the call of the siren
I made the first moves- now it’s your turn!
Recipe: Dorm Nachos
BY CASTLETON SNOB|Editor in Chief
Ingredients: 1/2 bag of Tostidos 1 package of Easy Mac cheese 1 cup of water How To: 1. Combine Easy Mac cheese with 1 cup of water. 2. Microwave mixture for 3 minutes until steaming. 3. Pour cheese mixture over
tortilla chips 4. Look at your plate and think about what you’ve done. Really think about it. 5. Are you happy? Are you happy with this god awful creation you’re trying to eat? 6. Push some chips around on the plate and untimately decide you just can’t stomach it. 7. Take a nap to distract yourself from how hungry you are.
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BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Back page editor
Match the celebrity to their sexilicious chest hair.