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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue vii
October 20th, 2010
NEWS VAN STILL LOST IN NEW BRUNSWICK Seen interviewing students about directions; food
BY FELLATIUS MACDOOGAL STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Even though the media frenzy has left the New Brunswick campus, students have reported that, every so often, they still see a news van wandering around on College Ave. The news van has been identified as one from Canada’s CBS affiliate W-CAN. Covering this event has been reporter, Chuck Acorn, along with producer, Tom Pancake, and a non-English speaking Inuit cameraman. The news team initially came to report about recent oncampus events, but could not figure out how to leave the College Ave. Campus. Now after weeks of living on dried pasta and fat sandwiches, the team is still searching for directions. “At this point, when I go to
University Holds $400k Black-Tie Affair to Help Raise $1 Billion "That's the joke," said news editor Jordan Gochman. "I really wish that could be the punchline to something but it is actually more backwards than anything we could ever write. Kaitie and I brainstormed for hours and got nothing. Fail-o."
Delay of Phillies Game Gives Local Father No Real Excuse to Drink Have you seen me?!
Apparently, the antenna can be used as a periscope.
ask people how to leave, they all snub me and walk away. It's like they are afraid of reporters or something,” said Pancake. The news van can be spotted during the early morning and late hours on College Ave and during the day can be seen parked outside the Hub on
French Street. Several students have filed complaints against the news team for harassment. "I am currently in the process of getting a restraining order,” said junior Ray Gunn. Despite worried calls from
...continued on page 2
"He's been sitting there with the remote in one hand and an unopened bottle of Jack in the other," said his wife.
Neilson napkin sexting scandal linked to Brett Favre "God damn it, why won't you people just leave me alone already?" said a visibly embar-
JACKASS 3D CONSIDERED Peer-to-peer editing EARLY OSCAR CONTENDER causes Facebook riot Knoxville, Margera to get acting nods BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
HOLLYWOOD—After reaching box office success, the creators of the Jackass series of films are reveling in celebration over the film’s subsequent critical success. Hailed by film critics as “a triumph in the work of cinema,” and “a cinematographer’s wet dream,” the third installment of the film series is rumored to be the first film on the ballot at this year’s Academy Awards. For some, this has been a long time goal. “I see this film reaching the Criterion Collection within the next three years,” said New York Times film critic A.O. Scott. “It is a masterwork of modern cinema and I am so happy it will get the recognition it deserves.” Insiders predict that the award for Best Picture is in
the bag. The film may also receive accolades for costuming and “Best Original Song” will most likely go to ‘The Party Boy Theme Song.’ During a press conference on Tuesday, producer and Best Actor nominee Johnny Knoxville announced plans to take the film international. “I see this thing winning the Palm d’Or and being the opening selection at Tribeca,” said Knoxville, who received rave reviews for having a tooth removed with a sports car, dressing up as an old man, and playing tetherball with a beehive. There are also rumors that awards for sound editing may go to Jackass foley artist Mike Howards for his recreation of the sound human feces makes when flung into someone’s face.
BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS STAFF WRITER
PALO ALTO—Facebook Spokesperson Jaime Schopflin announced yesterday that they will be making adjustments to the website’s new “peer-to-peer editing” feature which has infuriated users over the past few weeks. People who haven’t been paying attention to their profiles lately may notice that some of their information may have been edited by their “friends.” The new feature was added in September and was not publicly announced or advertised on the site. The new format allows users’ friends to edit each others’ profiles freely. Facebook now shares a strong similarity to Wikipedia, an information website that allows visitors to edit content within articles. Schopflin said, “I think the
Ten Points to Gryffindor! ESTABLISHED 1970
idea was smart because my friend, Veronica, is a nasty, alcoholic piece-of-shit person, which I felt was inaccurately described by ‘sweet, innocent countrygirl,’ under her about me.” The social networking site’s editing feature went relatively unnoticed for weeks by users until people stopped texting them back. A survey of students shows that most men noticed that their interests had shifted from “sports” to “stalking and being creepy.” Likewise, most women noticed that their activities shifted from “shopping" to “nagging and cock-teasing.” Facebook’s team programmers are still uncertain on how they will be able to keep the peer-editing feature without further enraging users. President Mark Zuckerberg has been trying to gather more support for keeping the feature by bribing users with free, bonus experience points in FarmVille.
Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
"My news desk! My nickel!"
'Hanson n' Griddle' latest promotion for local eatery
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
MINE STREET—Be sure to make your way down Mine Street before you find that in an mmmbop they’re gone. The Hanson brothers’ weeklong appearance at Hansel n' Griddle is the most recent of a series of promotional events designed to give greater visibility to the tiny greasy spoon just off of Easton Avenue. “Not everyone knows about us because we’re not on the main drag,” said owner Nicholas Komandis. “We figured the best way to gain extra exposure was through an overexposed pop band!” Issac (29), Taylor (27), and Zac (24) Hanson will be working alongside the usual team of cooks, scrambling eggs and belting out orders in melodic acapella styling. Their only stipulation, according to Hansel n' Griddle staff, was that the brothers not be required to wear hairnets, as they did not wish to impose limits on their creativity, which is primarily channeled through their hair. Special items will be featured throughout the week, including “Power Ballad Salad,” “The Cheesey Wrap,” and “The One Hit Wonder,” priced
Androgynous with a side order of fries!
at $19.97 and featuring eggs, cheese, and Grammy award winning songwriter Desmond Child. Thus far the promotion has proven to be a phenomenal success. It would appear that many former fans still harbor a deepseated rabid obsession for the poppy boy band. Komandis recalled that, coming into work on the first day of the promotion, he heard a roar of female shrieks even before his car pulled off of Easton. “It definitely drew in a crowd,” said Komandis. “…
which was great for business because it got too packed for anyone to actually squeeze out of the door—everyone figured they might as well buy something.” Hanson will also be on campus during their stay in New Brunswick. This Friday in Scott Hall Lecture Room 135, the brothers have scheduled a serious discussion on the challenges that face legitimate, independent artists in the music industry. Thus far no one has RSVP’d.
Racist HBO show re-examines how racist HBO is BY KERNEL SANDERZ STAFF WRITER
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
Stoned guy picks nose, bores psychic channel in his mind, man! BY OLIVER KLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
HOME BOX ORIFICE
COLLEGE AVE—After exploring the reaches of racist jabs towards the south, blacks and others in True Blood, HBO, in formulaic fashion, has changed the setting and time (and dropped the vampires) to allow for more racist jokes in “Boardwalk Empire.” “Steve Buscemi smoking a cigarette, talking about Blacks, Italians and Jews? What’s notfunny about that!?," said MGSA sophomore Ray Cromwell. With characters like Arnold Rothstein, the Jewish Mafia lord, gangster Al Capone, with his violent Italian-American gang, as well as the fictional African-
COLLEGE AVE—After conducting the rather unsightly act of picking his nose, stoned guy Mark Urban discovered he now has psychic powers. Since the discovery last night in Tinsley Hall, Urban's buddies have quickly disseminated the news of his newfound abilities via Facebook and Twitter. Witnesses report that Urban had been prodding his nose for what seemed to be hours when he suddenly moaned "Oww, my brain," and slumped over on his couch. Upon regaining consciousness five minutes later, Urban was afflicted with a case of the munchies and located a box of Cheese Nips on the other side of the room. To the alarm of everyone, the box began to float towards Urban. Intrigued dudes are now curious just how far his powers go. Urban has been received hundreds of Facebook invites to hundreds of parties to perform hundreds of beer tricks and be the beer pong ringer. Girls, meanwhile, have been unreceptive to Urban's awesome powers. “I guess it’s cool he can do stuff," said Ashley Simmons an SAS junior, "But he’s still really gross.”
News Van Continued from front
American boxer Chalky White, the show is littered with race based comedy. The Alliance of Jews, Italians and Blacks responded from their Bronx Headquarters today saying “So we box, make money and love us some good, old fashioned gangs. Whatever,
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
Fuhgetaboutit!” Asked about the potential backlash from these groups, Director Martin Scorsese replied, “I was thinking of their response, but then I remembered all the potential jokes about them being lazy, and figured they’d be too lazy to care.” News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
loved ones, the team is not completely set on figuring out how to get back home. “On the other hand," said Pancake, "this New Brunswick is so much better than the New Brunswick we got back up north. I mean, the girls practically wear nothing.” When asked on what they have accomplished while here Acorn responded warmly to the question. “Of course, we learned so much while living at Rutgers. People that just chase stories for ratings are a shame to the career of journalism. We are not those guys. We’re Canadian. " Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Jack Knight Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to the weekend I had. Holy shit. All of a sudden I was sitting at this desk. I have no idea how I got here.
Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
FEATURES “Guess what, guess what...It’s gonna be me”
The Weirdest Summer Job Ever
By Russian Mail-Order Bride Features Editor
What exactly was the Horizon’s Edge Casino Cruise boat? I didn’t really know, or care for that matter; it was a job, and I needed money. Their desperation for employees appeared to be equal to my desperation for a job, which was evident through the manner in which I was hired. “Uh, so I see you have kitchen experience,” said Paul, a scruffy-looking muscular man who was apparently the kitchen’s main supervisor. “Yes, I’ve worked in three different kitchens,” I replied, trying my hardest to sound professional, “I wrote all their contact information on my res—“ “You’re hired.” So that was that, no other questions asked. I filled out the paperwork right then and there, and started work a couple days later. My shift started at 8 AM, bright and early, and I was too relieved to be employed to be nervous about my first day. I walked down the shaky metal pathway to the boat’s entrance, and there to greet me was Paul. “Katie!” he shouted, grinning, “Ready to work? Well, first let me introduce you to Deanna, she’s new too,” he pointed to a tall, chunky girl with glasses. She waved. Paul looked over at me again, pointing to a short and rotund Hispanic woman. “And this is Angie, the Puerto Rican whore,” he exclaimed, grinning. “Oh shut up, you STUPID ASSHOLE,” she scowled. “Alright, enough with the chitchat, you should get to work,” Paul began to reveal his slave-driving tendencies that I would grow to loathe, “I’m gonna be nice and put you on desserts for your first day,
all you have to do for now is cut cakes, alright?” Sounded simple enough. I nodded. “Great, grab a cutting board and a knife and get started.” I began mindlessly cutting the cake into what I believed were appropriate sized pieces. But apparently I was wrong. “Oh, that’s way too small!” Angie ‘the whore’ exclaimed, suddenly appearing behind me. “You betta cut the pieces bigger or Paul will get mad. Man, I wish I were sucking a dick right now.” Wait…what? So I started trying to correct my mistake, which resulted in a pretty unsightly tray of cake slices. “Shit,” I thought, looking over my mistake, “well, maybe if I just put this away quickly no one will notice…” That wasn’t happening. Before I got a chance to cover the tray, Paul popped up behind me, cackling. “What are you, retaaah-ded?!” he exclaimed, “Wow, this really looks like shit! Make sure it’s more even next time. Or else.” “Sorry,” I apologized, my face reddening. “Aw, sweetie, don’t worry. I should fire you, but your ass is bangin’ so I’ll keep you around,” he winked and strode away. Well, apparently I was a complete moron, beyond all hope. But at least I had one thing going for me! Needless to say, after four more hours of this I was beyond relieved when the time came for my hourlong break. I plopped down at a table next to Deanna, the other newbie and victim of harassment. We started off griping about our days, and of course Paul. It felt wonder-
ful to vent to someone who had just undergone the same level of torment. Finally Deanna revealed she had spent the past year in the Navy. “Wow, so I guess working on a boat is nothing new for you,” I said. “I looooved the Navy,” she replied. “You know if you ever want a pay raise there, all you have to do is give a couple blow jobs!” “Wow,” I uttered, only slightly more shocked at the fact a complete stranger would share this information with me than that anyone would pay for oral sex with a creature that repulsive. “I know, it was so awesome! I got a 500 dollar Christmas bonus last winter,” she grinned. Well, that was good to know. I made a mental note to myself, just in case I ever decide to join the Navy. Shortly after this enlightening discussion it was time to return to the kitchen to marinate and slice mass quantities of raw chicken. I won’t go on with the details of the arduous processes that followed, but by the end of the day all I wanted to do was get home, take a hot bubble bath and forget the fact that I had to be back at that fucking dump again the next morning. Despite all of my complaints, I learned some truly valuable things that day. I found out how to receive a decent monetary bonus in the Navy, where to score some good weed, and most importantly that my ass will get me more places in life than my piece of shit brain ever will. So I’d say that after just ten hours of working at Horizon’s Edge I went home a culturally refined individual.
Medium Phrase of the Week
Laughter Baby: Occurs when one laughs so hard that the resulting abdominal pain is equivalent to the pain of childbirth.
I am a Journalism & Media Studies major over at the School of Communications and Information but sometimes I feel that my talents would be better spent in the field of Criminal Justice. I realized that this past weekend when I went to Loew’s Theater in New Brunswick to see Jackass 3D. In honor of doing stupid things in public, I made sure to bring a flask of Jack Daniels with me into the theater. By the end of the movie, I was pretty smashed and took up the role of my alter-ego, “Large Farva.” If you haven’t seen Super Troopers you’ll miss the joke behind the name but all you need to know is that my loud, obnoxious, and arrogant alterpersona tends to be somewhat of a detective. While playing the role of Large Farva that night, I stumbled upon a very reliable source of mine and found out some pretty deep shit that goes on at Rutgers. Perhaps, I’m opening up a huge can of worms by reporting this but not every dollar that is allocated to Rutgers by the state is used properly (or immediately). Sometimes it may even take a few years for these “funds” to be distributed. Until then, they just sit around accumulating interest. I’m not exactly sure what kind of dirt I may have dug up here but I’ll keep looking into the nitty-gritty for the sake of everyone here at Rutgers University. In the coming weeks I hope to uncover what exactly is going on and what exactly we can do to make sure there is no money going to waste!
Submit to email@example.com
OP/ED “Sooooo, what’s my surprise?????”
To the Author of “Porn Defense”
Your article made me think twice about “like”ing The Medium page on Facebook. I have a pretty broad sense of humor and your article was somewhat entertaining, but it reeks of “Virgin 4E” and kind of stopped the good flow that the preceding articles had going. I am sure there are many people who can sympathize and relate to the porn-hunting/virusdodging days that you spoke of [too excessively] but your choice of topic (for an article of that size) was superflous and should have been no more than a small paragraph, max. I’m all for nerdy/geeky articles or whatever, but yours just fit into the category of “sucked.” Stop bragging about being a loser. It is possible that The Medium is only geared towards
*that crowd* (kids who: wack it in their dorm rooms all day, do poorly in their classes, don’t socialize with the opposite sex, and write to The Medium in hope of getting their noobish opinions about life at college published) but I still have faith that The Medium caters to anyone with a sense of humor looking for a laugh. Or maybe that whole article was a joke and the author, “gay hawk” or whatever, is a weekly article just making fun. (I don’t read The Medium consistently, so maybe I’m on the outside of this one--but I doubt it.) Other than that, I laughed a bit, it was a good issue (minus homohawk), and after leaving it at my mom’s house, my younger brother is a fan.
To Grind or Not to Grind? BY: MR. NORMAM CLAYTURR Contributing Writer
Wednesday, October 20th 2010
we’d have a problem, or we’d be 80. When did dancing (grinding is not dancing) become a game of wits and stamina and cease Some time ago, over the sum- to be a fun, social, sometimes mer, a pal of mine came upstairs sensual experience. This chick from the basement of a party all tried to say that none of the other guys she danced with got bummed out. off as quickly, Getting Hard… Stamina? Guy Scenario: and I counTakes a while Lasts long Rare, has ED, or is old tered with a simple quesTakes a while Blows early Premature Shot tion that left Fast Lasts long Very healthy her flustered Fast Blows early Premature Shot - how long did they last? See, there are 4 types of guys “What happened?” I asked. in the world in relation to sexu“It poked,” he said. al stamina: “Wow, that’s specific.” Of course there’s those who “No, I was dancing with this chick and after some time it have never had any experience, poked and she got all offend- whose hormones are so screwy, ed or grossed out or whatever. when they finally get to the deed So she laughed it off with her there’s no telling what the norfriends and I was just like fuck mal case would be. But in general the chart is a good guide. it, so I left.” It should be noted that there I was very wasted, but him being a good guy, I didn’t want are varying levels of “hard” and to just leave without getting a most guys who take a while to point across to said bitch and get so are likely not hard at all, her bitchy friends. I went down, more likely they’re flimsy fuckwalked up to her as she was ers (double entendre FTW). So dancing alone and said, “You to all the girls who complain must like guys with erectile dys- about guys who poke when they have a beautiful ass grinding on function huh?” Thus began an argument that their nether regions, either stop - thankfully - did not end up complaining or stop grinding. Or, again, if you like grindwith my head smashed across a ing with a guy who likely is too pole. My point was this: if the only drunk or ill-equipped to handle reason to grind at parties is for you, by all means go ahead. Just sexual purposes, then of course stop screaming. For the love of guys will get hard. If we didn’t, snacks, stop screaming.
Norris Vs. Lee
The Ultimate Show-Down
In keeping with the Comic- something to beat you with Con theme this past week, I’m when his fists got bored. As much as people tout Chuck going to analyze a subject that alters everyone’s lives in such Norris as the paragon of Ameria profound way that life itself can torque and manliness, the only reason would not he grew a be possible beard was without the to cover constant up the pertug-of-war, m a n e n t yin-yang rescars of lationship shame givof this suben to him ject: whethby Bruce er or not Lee’s feet. Chuck NorSome may ris is better Chuck Norris once use “The Medium” as reading material in the to than Bruce bathroom and it was automatically transformed to “The Maximum” point Bruce Lee’s Lee. Now, there has been much “death” soon afterward; this lore surrounding the legendary is not so. Bruce Lee simply felt figure of Chuck Norris, such as that he had defeated every worhis visit to the Islands (formerly thy challenger, so he decided to the Virgin Islands) and his abil- hibernate for 1000 years to find ity to roundhouse kick an op- a worthy android to fight in the ponent through time; however, future. So, when you check under Chuck Norris pales in comparison to the awesome might of your bed each night for Chuck Norris, what you should really Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee once knocked a be worried about is encounterman out in 6 seconds during an ing Bruce Lee’s roundhouse official fight. Bruce Lee could do kick, which he deploys in his two-fingered push-ups. Bruce slumber to punish misbehaving Lee could do 50 one-handed men. You think about that. pull-ups. Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris in a fight. Bruce Lee inThat’s all for now, vented legs just so he’d have Das Flug
Cute Things Designated Space Submitted By: Amy DiMaria Staff Writer and Winner of the “ Awesome Person Who Submits Cute Things Award”
Love, Hate, Retaliate. Send in your submissions and see your name in print OPINIONS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
ARTS “Oh, so we’ve been looking at porn for about... half an hour, then?”
Please submit a thing!!!!! firstname.lastname@example.org Please submit a thing !!!!! email@example.com
MUSIC REVIEW Something Some Kid on the Bus Was Listening To BY KCIG
Last week I was on the REXB and some kid sat next to me, listening to his iPod. He was super into it, he was like headbanging, and tapping his feet, and even started playing a little air guitar. I figured what he was listening to was probably super awesome. I tried to look at his iPod to see what it was, but the screen was a little scratched and the backlight went off really quickly, so I couldn’t see. I also inadvertently saw everything that he was texting. I only meant to see what he was listening to, but like he was sexting this one girl, but also trying to negotiate relations with another girl who totally refused his advances. I had pretty much no option but to read everything. Anyway, judging from the way he was dancing, he was listening to relatively fast paced rock music, probably totally epic, and probably would have gotten a 5. probably 5/5
The Eiffel Tower being eiffel-towered by Big Ben and the Chrysler building.
Location: College Ave Parking Deck Rutgers students, being responsible and mature. Submitted by In-Shane-iak
The Fashion/Style Section of The Medium
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL WEARING by Moushie
Why the hell are you still wearing Ray Bans? A year ago, they looked totally classic and totally James Dean. I was totally all behind them, my friend was buying some sunglasses last year, and I was like, hey, buy some Ray Bans. But then like a month later, they were goddamn everywhere. Cheap ass knockoff Ray Bans have saturated the market so much that seeing someone wearing Aviators is refreshing. It’s necessary to protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, and it’s important to be fashionable. Ray Bans will protect you from the UV rays as well as from looking cool.
“Prospect and Easton scar pul.... Movib out soon” - BEST NIGHT EVER <3 10/16/10 EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES To the girl at King Neptune Night who took a huge amount of shrimp and was wearing a grey hoodie and short pajamas with Homer Simpson on the front: You are the most perfect woman in the entire world. Marry me. (You two are made for each other.) To My Homies, You are the baddest motherfuckers it has ever been my pleasure to meet. I’d love it if you’d come eat some kak with me. Warmest regards, Your Sister From Anthor Mister To all the freaky fucks who believe in tarot card readings. The cards have NOTHING to do with your actual life. All their meanings are intentionallyvague enough that you can construe them to relate to almost any situation at all. If you’re gullible enough to believe in the cards, then you can twist pretty much any one to symbolize whatever you want. If you want to know what’s going on your future, stop being assholes who sit around looking at cards. Get off your damn ass and DO SOMETHING INSTEAD! (Wow, that was way too long. I’m not the Tarot type, but why you hatin’ on their beliefs. Most of the crap we believe in life isn’t true. Who is really gonna make 50 grand when they graduate?) To the sorority girls that requested Chop Suey and rocked out to Blink at the party Friday night, my heart belongs to all of you
Last week, you voted on if this guy was overcompensating or not: “i hate it when the tip of my dick falls into the toilet water every time i take a shit, it’s just so fucking big...” No pretty pie chart this week, but here are the statistics: 82% : Overcompensating 2% : It’s really big 0.02%: I’ve seen it, it is big. 0.98%: I’ve seen it, it is tiny. 15%: No one reads this
M A ST E R D E B AT E R
“Hell yes, he’s overcompensating and probably won’t get laid till he’s 45”
Mediocracy will return in November! -Dr. K
Rules for Life
1. Don’t try texting on a rotary phone. Waste of time 2. Don’t slap police officers 3. Don’t boil and recycle your urine. We’re on earth 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
Has anyone seen the “F*** Rutgers Campaign” flyers at ARC? wowww. we should all print them and post them all over the place. so true. (I would consider that a bad judgement.) To the really nice guy who gave me a $20 bill so I could buy my new ID. Thank you. I spent the 15 bucks buying my new ID and I used the extra five for munchies money. Thanks dude! (The bad judgement was for the gentleman who gave this douche $20. You should know by now that people suck and can’t be trusted.) To the idiots reading the Targum ads at the CCCplease don’t donate your sperm for money. The world does not need more dumbasses like yourselves. Do us all a favor, and just don’t. (Good judgement whomever sent this. They are serious idiots. How dare someone read or print Targum ads. Ours are much cheaper. Contact within. for pricing.) To the member of NBPD who stopped my drunken ass on the street last weekend... thanks for giving me a kiss on the cheek instead of a ticket (Good judgement on part of the cop.) To the editor of the personal, You are a HUGE bitch... i find that very sexy. (Okay, Spicy Caramel and I find this to be horrible judgement.) Hey Eden. not only do i share my password but my toothbrush too. It may not be good for us in the long run but, I’m a broke college kid and at least we’ll have white teeth for a few weeks. (Bad judgement. Dental hygeine is very important and so is cyber security. Do you want cavities or identity theft?) To my roommate, 15 years gets you 20 years... Just saying. Love always, Your roommate whose tired of hearing that shit! :) (Wow. This is horrible judgement. Its just so wrong.)
firstname.lastname@example.org MAD LIKE A COW
WHITE SPACE = -$
Dear annoying roommate, WTF YOU SUCK! You have been singing for like 6 hours and it’s the same note. Are you fucking joking. You are tone deaf and a loser. I mean you haven’t left the room EVER. AHHH I cant even have decent sex because you walk in. And please If the door is closed when you walk in, why dont you close it when you walk out. I close it so I dont have to hear your horrible singing and the other annoying idiot in the other room! Inconsiderate bastard. STOP SINGING THAT NOTE!
To the husky girl that sits across from me in my technical writing classwhen you wear dresses, please refrain from uncrossing your legs. I think i saw the lost ark sitting behind your cervix (LMAO. Literally. Some of these are golden.) To everyone I know back home in Pennsylvania: Stop hating on the fact that I transferred to Rutgers. Not everyone here is like the fucked-up cast of Jersey Shore. Yeah, yeah, they’re hella aggressive drivers, but no one says “New Joizey” and I actually have no problem with the higher sales tax. I LOVE it here and I LOVE the people here. NEW JERSEY IS THE COOLEST FUCKING STATE EVER, AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND <3 (I love you so much right now. N-J- All Day!) To that sexy gorgeous guy in my intro to human ecology class, I noticed you’ve grown a beard. I’m not sure if I like it or not. but it’s impossible for you to look bad so if you must, keep it up. -Girl you don’t know but kinda glanced at (Isn’t that adorable.) To the kid playing with his yoyo in the busch dining hall, you’re pretty good with your hands, but I’ll show you how to use them a different way ;) (What the fuck. That’s nasty. You are nasty. Tsk tsk tsk. N-A-S-T-Y. Nasty.) to the redhead puking in the bathroom stall at the last football game, really? that’s fucking gross. you’re definitely a freshman.
(Wow. You are very angry , sir or madam. I think you guys need to sit down with some tea and talk it out. Or beat the shit out of each other. Actually the second one would be more funny.) To the fat bitch in my social psych class, you smell like shit, laugh like a fucking moron and please get the fuck off your cell phone. No one wants to hear your phone conversation about food and sex during class. You don’t need anymore food and your not getting laid. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID BITCH!! Dear Handlebar Warrior, We don’t understand why you would ever shave it off... please grow it back now. And tell The Troublemaker to watch his back!! Sincerely, The Best People Ever (Less angry of a person, thank God, but now I’m angry because I don’t understand what this means.) To the Trick downstairs that keeps laughing at everything....STOP LAUGHING AT EVERYTHING!!!! life isn’t so Goddamn funny, i gotta damn expos paper to finish. From the guys upstairs!!
I hate you blonde guy in front of my consumer media culture class. (Chances are, after reading this, he’ll hate you too.) To my expository writing teacher, thanks for letting us out an hour early; it gave me time to write this personal. <3 (Why do you even need a writing class... Your punctuation is beautiful. You properly used a semicolon? Thanks for your intelligence and class.) To that orgo TA, Have you ever gotten even close to getting laid? Though I know that’s a dumb question to be asking an orgo TA... To the kid who puked out of our dorm room window last weekend.. might want to take the screen AND FAN out of the window before you do that again. Now our dorm room smells like dead possums..thanks. (Why don’t you get some Lysol, and uh... clean it?) Dear skankasouars living in Newell, I’m utterly perplexed at the amount of TV you guys watch during the week. Spend your time more wisely by making me a sandwich. That being said, you’ve surpassed your quota of douchebags that can be posted on your wall (aka Justin Bieber). Thank you. (Are you just sad that they surpassed their quota, and can’t add you to their douchebag wall?) To the creepy guy living in Brett Hall, that kid will never, ever let you play FIFA with him. Get over it.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
(or for the QR-Less)
BE AWARE. QR ME NOW.
Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
“I would like you a lot more if you were stoned and communicated via guitar.” CLASSES
BITCHES & HOES
To the annoying and retarded girls sitting behind me in abnormal psych; If I told you to shut the fuck up I am sure I would only encourage you to talk even louder. There is such a thing as etiquette you know. Clearly working part time as prostitutes has made you girls immune to the looks of disgust thrown at you during class. To the annoying kid in my writing class with the wannabe afro, shut the fuck up. Stop yelling out questions every god damn 5 seconds. No one wants to hear your annoying ass voice asking stupid questions. To the stupid cuntwad freshman in my Bio lab: just because you may have been hot shit in high school doesn’t mean anyone cares about you here. Calling the TA “Yevvie” is not cute, it just makes you sound like a fucking moron. And no one cares that you finished your quiz so stop announcing it to the class, just turn the paper over and STFU like everyone else! To the guys in my Network & Internet Tech class who noticed the personal last week; Thank you. Its nice to know that at least someone agrees with me, and actually reads The Medium. Thanks. You made my entire day a lot less shitty than it had to be.
To the beauty who likes to hop over chairs in one of my recitations; quit eye raping me. All you need to do is ask for my ddddding dong...just kidding... I am committed... to Satan’s wife... her vagina is hot as an oven... which makes my goods equal a baker’s dozen... o yeaaah! (Oh no. Just no.) To my apartment mate; stop growing that tropical forest on your face son. You look like a hybrid of Osama and Woverine... and for the love of God stop rubbing your feet on people’s desks.. I don’t want to eat dead skin cells for dinner. To all the ripped ass guys at the cook/douglass gym; Fuck you! I wish every girl you touch instantly realizes that she is a lesbian. Go watch jersey shore. Enough of you watch it in public now that it shouldn’t even be classified as a guilty pleasure for fully grown men. To my apartment-mate: Are you seriously gonna jack off while taking your hour-long shits and leave the jizz stuck to the wall? Not to mention, you always use our toilet paper and never pay for it, and expect us to do all the housework around here. To the guy in my class who asked if it was ok for him to write in CAPS in the test booklet... wtf?
To a girl on College Ave on Friday night: You are really hot and I wanted to have sex with you. However, I would have regretted it because I think you may be mentally retarded. I think this because all you wore when walking down the street was a blue halter top and a skirt. It was really fucking cold. What is wrong with you? To annoyed resident in Jameson: You complained about one pitchy, tone deaf voice. If you haven’t noticed I wear hearing aids, classifying me as hearing impaired. It is hard enough to hear everyday let alone sing and play guitar. I consider that a great accomplishment. I will sing loud and proud as often as I want. So get used to it, bitch. (Who the hell makes fun of people with hearing aides? We don’t even do that...) To the tight assed , attitude ridden bitch who thinks every person who talks to her is after her stinking pussy. It astonishes me to think that you’d mistake friendly banter to be an invitation to a romp in the sack, how demented and sexually frustrated must you be? btw Jay Sean is probably too good for you , I’m guessing you’re too dumb to get into medicine , so get a life you delusional narcissistic bitch.
To the kid on Saturday night who was on the front porch screaming “Fuck the police” as the cops drove past, and subsequently got our party broken up. Thanks, asshole. I promise that if I ever find your identity, they will never find the body. To the girl smacking her fucking gum really loudly in the Chang library Sunday afternoon, we’re all glaring at you and want you to die. Hopefully by choking on your goddamn gum, you inconsiderate bitch. To the dumbshits on the F bus, you don’t need to request a fucking stop every 12 seconds. The bus ALWAYS stops at the same places. You will be able to get off at College Hall so don’t pull that goddamn yellow string again. (Some of us like the fucking yellow string...) To the skanky flat chested bitch who keeps trying to throw yourself at my boyfriend. Give up before I yank that overly dyed hair out of your skull and shove them so far up your ass u’ll be coughing up hairballs for a year. Back the fuck off you cock-sucking whore! To my roommate; please stop bringing your ugly bf and having loud sex. It sounds like Goofy is raping Minnie Mouse and its just very, very wrong. Please stop now.
(It’s exactly like short-form Improv comedy, but RUTGERS-ED!)
THE MEDIUM GHOSTS N’ SHIT
To the blonde girl who looks like Juno... where are you?? I want to impregnate you already. Don’t worry you will procreate like a fresh champ after my 5 dollar foot long is done with you. To my roommate: POPULISM! Yea! Yea! You are going to listen to it, and you are going to like it! To my roommate who forgot her key and was locked out of the apartment twice in one day. Way to strap it to your sneaker so you don’t forget it. That really worked out for ya. News comes and goes. The features last for a while. Opinions are like assholes. But Personals last forever. To my planet of a roommate WTF U are the only person who makes the bathroom smell worse afer you shower. Go and fucking shower with the other farm animals u fucking bitch! To the stupid fucks racing each other outside in between Barr and Allen at 1:30am, were in fucking college. Shut the fuck up and do something productive with your life. And yeah it was me who screamed shut the fuck up. To the guy in my CMC class who’s computer needs him to stare into its camera for five minutes to allow him to use it. Tooooo funny! (It has feelings.)
Wednesday, October 6th, 2010
“I’m not sure if her son’s a bastard child”
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Drom the Fesk of the Editor
DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER When I stepped in as What’s WHAT’S SHAKIN’ EDITOR Shakin’ editor this year, I
couldn’t honestly tell you what the page was about. In a few short semesters it had morphed from a collection of events on campus to a forum for the rantings of whatever mad man controlled the page. The biggest fan was a guy named Randy. I’ve been trying to live up to the image my predecessor left behind and I’ve found it difficult. The “publish whatever” model may have worked for him but it just isn’t me. I don’t even want to hear most of my opinions on things. I would like to change What’s Shakin’. I want to bring the focus back onto the events Rutgers students care about. It’s great publishing whatever I want but it would be nice to have more of a focus. I want to rediscover what’s actually shakin’ at Rutgers. This project will be difficult and we may lose some of you in the process. And by “lose” I do mean death. That stuff isn’t important. What is important is that you guys stick around and support the back page. It’s better than seeing if you made it into the personals every week.
SHORT VERSION OF THIS LETTER:
What’s Shakin’ is fucked up. I’m going to un-fuck it up
10/20 @ RSC Room 410 - The Medium meets at 8pm. We’re pretty awesome people and always looking for more. Stop by and see if there’s something you like. 10/21@ Voorhees Hall - A4Effort’s first show of the year. This improv group is really funny and I’m definitely not just saying that because two of the editors here are members.
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This is probably the darkest What’s Shakin’ will ever get.