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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly

Volume XLVI Issue V

OCTOBER 16th, 2013




NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- Attention Rutgers Community, The Rutgers University Police Department is investigating --BEEEEEEEEEEES--oh god oh god BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEES!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES! DA BEES ARE EVERYWHEREE! Uh oh, oh no oh no that’s a big one! Stay back! Don’t move and they won’t hurt you! OH GOD THEY’RE NOT SUPPOESD TO HURT YOU!! BEEEEEEEEEEES!!! The bees are all over campus, students I don’t know what to do. Do we spread ourselves in honey? I don’t know!! BIG BEES LITTLE BEES yellow demons wearing black stripes!!! Flying over campus and I DON’T KNOW WHY! Our weapons are useless against them! Ahh STOP don’t do that you’re making them madder!!! ARE YOU CRAContinued on Page 2



Rutgers Field Hockey Team Welcomes Fan


PISCATAWAY, NJ -- The Scarlet Knights field hockey team hosted an audience during Saturday’s game against Georgetown. Stephen Alexander, a freshman biology major, attended the 1:00 PM game, saying he was really bored and hungover before entering the gates of the Bauer Track and Field Complex on the Livingston Campus. “I kept hearing whistles and thought I saw red and white things moving in the distance when I left my dorm at Livi, so I wandered over to see what it was all about,” he said. Eventually noticing the wooden sticks and goals, he figured out it was field hockey, or at least some sort of field day for the local school for children with disabilities. “I pounded 8


or 9 Keystones and drank who Senior Lisa Patrone was knows how much Burnett’s last amazed when she saw the specnight so my head was killing tator willfully enter the stadium. me so I thought some fresh air “In my fourth season here, he’s might help a little,” Alexander Continued on Page 2 said.

For Medium-Sized Men SInce 1970


Turn to the Inside Cover to Meet the Pricks Who Painstakingly Put this Paper Up for Your Ungrateful Asses!! Freshman Still Unable to Understand Why Everyone Hates Him Fraternal Order of Police Bust their Own Party Meal Swipes Accepted for Flavored Condoms Gary Nova Admits to Submitting his Own RU Crushes NJPIRG Exercises Right to be Annoying Assholes The Medium Staff Depressed After Exxxotica; Want to Go Back Government Lockdown Extended After Pokémon XY Release "12 Angry Patels" Nominated for Oscar Students at Bus Stops Been Waiting at Red Oak Lane for 53 Hours Brower Dining Hall Attempts to Improve Image by Removing Fraternities from Tabling on Steps

the Medium


Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

“Features ruined my childhood."


Christopher Columbus Resurrected, Sells Porn BY DR. TOSSED SALAD PERSONALS EDITOR

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – This Columbus Day captivated people across the country as Christopher Columbus, the supposed founder of our country, rose from the dead to make some more contributions to the United States, and to make his mark at Rutgers. Columbus, who rose from the dead around 9:27 A.M. Jesus-style, rather than the first reported Zombie-style resurrection, called a press conference where he announced his newest and what he calls “biggest” contribution to the world, his own series of porn movies. “I fucked a lot of bitches in my day when I first made the trip over, and well of course I videotaped that shit. Why do you think I got all of the credit that I did?” Columbus went on to share that he had been buried with the tapes after he died. “Ya see, while the rest of my men were going around killing all of the locals of this great land, I was actually fucking as many as I can. It was very popular with royalty in Europe, hence why more and more explorers came over here.” Columbus announced that his favorite movies were ones of him fucking natives named Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, and that those will be the first to be released in his 24 movie series. “I was advertising when I


Black Man To Beat Legally Blind Caucasian Man

named those boats. You thought I was pulling those names outta my ass? Nah son, I was pulling my dick outta their asses.” Since class was in session on Monday across campus, and of course no one attended, Columbus decided Slutgers would be the best place to market his movies for the new generation. “I always was told Columbus was a dick, but goddamn now I see why,” stated amazed sophomore Lizzie Sunshine before she said “he can sail my ocean blue any day.” It turns out that it wasn’t just Columbus either. Other explorers came out Tuesday morning to announce they had movies too, such as Amerigo Vaspussy, and Louis and Cock, all of which Columbus produced. “They didn’t come looking for gold, they came to cum.” “It is almost symbolic in a way,” told Professor Dr. Arnold Greensman to The Medium Monday afternoon. “While we celebrate Columbus every year, we know that he hurt a lot of people, you can say fucked them over, and well now there is evidence that he really did fuck them over, but this is a way that we can enjoy,” finished Greensman as he gave a high five to the passing Columbus. At present time, the first three movies are on sale at the Rutgers Bookstores and NJ Books.

HAVE NEWS ARTICLES? SEND THEM IN TO our meetings are wednesday 8pm at the bcc, room 120b. watch us drink away our frustrations.


BOGOTA, NJ – The Democratic nominee for US Senate, Cory Booker, is expected to beat his opponent, Republican Steve Lonegan, during today’s special election, both on and off the record. Lonegan, an old white man, who is legally blind, has shown fear towards his rival within the last few weeks of his campaign. “I am actually scared for my life,” said Lonegan. “This guy is a young, in-shape, black man from inner city Newark. I’m like the perfect target for him.” While there is uncertainty as to how and when this beating will occur, it is believed it will happen sometime after the polls have closed and the votes tallied up. Once and if Booker is declared the winner, he will enact his plan and carry on with the bashing. Booker plans on using his experiences from the “hood” to his advantage in order to help him with this mission of his.


...continued from front

the first person that came in to cheer us on. At least I think he cheered, or maybe his phone vibrated.” Fellow senior Danielle Freshnock added, “Forty thouone with information about sand of you will wake up early BEEEES! ...continued from front [THE BEEEES!!], or who may every Saturday to watch Gary ZY!? DUMP OUT THAT LEM- have been in the area at the time Nova throw interceptions at the ONADE, HURRY! AH SHIT!! [OF BEEES!!!], to please contact worst possible time. I swear our BEEEZUS CHRIST THAT’S A the Rutgers Police Department's defense can go on that field and Investigations Unit at (732) 932- let up less touchdowns. Some LOT OF BEES!!! The Rutgers Police Depart- 8025 or (732) 932-7211. Bee safe, of you idiots stayed up until ment is actively investigating Bee smart, and travel in groups. 3:00 AM to watch them give the [BEEEEES!!] and asks that any- Bring ointment cuz deez beez game away to Fresno.” are everywhere. Coach Meredith Long

Editorial Staff Fall 2013

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Stewart Hallman Devin Baker

Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God

News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko

“I don’t want to use outside objects like guns or wrenches because that wouldn’t be very honorable,” stated Booker. “I want this to be a clean, run of the mill, old fashion white man beating. It’s important for me to defeat my challenger both emotionally and physically.” If, somehow, Lonegan scores a surprise victory, Booker has mentioned that he will not go through with the pounding because he doesn’t want to appear like a sore loser in front of his opponent. During the campaign, Lonegan was able to hire multiple bodyguards to ward off any “baby killing, earth loving liberals” that came his way, but once the night is through, he will be cut off from his funds, leaving him vulnerable for a Booker thrashing. “I won’t even be able to defend myself after sunset because darkness is the black man’s best weapon,” said Lonegan. “I guess I just won’t see him coming.”

chimed in and said, “What do I need to do short of throwing basketballs at my players and calling them derogatory names to get people in here? We’re on a five game winning streak. You can tailgate out here. Please get drunk. I will see if there’s any room in the budget for kegs if that’s what gets people into the stands.” When asked if he would be back for the next Scarlet Knights’ field hockey game, Alexander quickly answered, “I’d rather sit on a cactus while being mauled by pit bulls.” Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche GameStop Guy

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Mike's parking ticket that is lying alone on his cold windshield.

Wednesday, October 16th, 2013


the Medium

“Marry me, so I can have benefits and shit.”





Venasuar Vs. Wigglytuff

By The Special Snowflake |Contributing Writer

Wigglytuff used attract! Venasaur is now infatuated! Venasaur used vine whip! Wigglytuff is now aroused! Venasaur used harden! Wigglytuff used water gun to lube Venasaur’s pokédick. Venasaur then used vine whip again to slap Wigglytuff’s ass. Wigglytuff became trapped. The attack continues! Venasaur then uses razor leaf to penetrate Wigglytuff in every orifice. Wigglytuff is paralyzed! It may not attack! Venasaur used rage to penetrate Wigglytuff even harder and deeper with its vines. Wigglytuff used submission and let Venasaur have its way. Venasaur began to draw in sunlight. Wigglytuff is still paralyzed. It may not attack! Venasaur used solarbeam to destroy Wigglytuff’s gaping hole. Venasaur then used money shot and finished all over Wigglytuff’s face. Wigglytuff fainted! Red blacked out!


Oh ebony of desired delight, with her I have spent the night. Intelligent and provoking, someone I do not mind facebook poking. Beauty and radiance she has given me the chance. Up all night talking I do not mind, however there is something that I did find... Sparkle entranced eyes, a genuine smile without compare. Unable to understand why. Unable to part, she looked at me and did but fart. An Ode.



the Medium

MEET THE MEDIUM The World Wide Leader in Uncomfortable Words and Images - THE MEDIUM FALL 2013

Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

THE MEDIUM PRESENTS: -THE BODY ISSUE-Eli YoussefOpinons Editor Master of Cock Push-ups

-Yagnesh Patel- Business Manager Always Makes the Money Shot

-Justin LeskoCo-Personals Editor Coaches Praise His Ballhandling Skills

-Devin BakerManaging Editor Fatty; Grape Lover

-Mike LazaropoulosCo-News Editor -Sasha RomayevBackpage Editor


Down to get DIRTY

the Medium


Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

The World Wide Leader in Uncomfortable Words and Images - THE MEDIUM FALL 2013

-Adam Romatowski Co-Personals Editor The Picture Speaks For Itself

-Krupa Patel- Secretary Brings Milkshakes to the Big Game

-Leif TornbergFeatures Editor Not a Velociraptor

-Michael-Vincent D'Anella-MercantiCo-News Editor

-Stewart Hallman- Editor-in-Chief All About Fore! Play

Plays Rugby?

-Lisa MathewsArts Editor Artist or Athlete? You can't be both.

the Medium


“Quick Balls are the shit. In more ways than one.”


I’m Tired of This Shit. Leave Me Alone

Wednesday, October 16th 2013


Ask A Kid Who’s Busy Playing Pokémon

Dear Kid Who Is Playing Pokémon, My computer has been on the fritz, I think something Wow. This is what ful re-election campaign? consequences of the past is wrong with the hard drive, but I can’t tell. All I know is stuff has been deleting itself off my computer and I can’t I’m doing with my time. Yeah, that. I mean, even or some shit. What the flying fuck figure out how to recover it. I tried taking it to the tech I’m the leader of the free if it was my fault, some world, and my free time of you dumbasses think guys. I mean, most of you repair store but they said it would cost me a few hundred is spent writing for some this shutdown thing is a stupid assholes blaming dollars and I don’t know if it’s worth it or if I should fucking newspaper at huge deal. It’s happened this on the Democrats are just suck it up and buy a new one. What should I do Kid the ones who will be too Who’s Playing Pokemon? Should I buy a new computer Shitstain University. Or “OH WELL. AT fucking stupid and poor or pay for repairs? Or is there something else I could do? whatever it’s called. Oh -Computer Fritzgerald well. At least it’s not the LEAST I’M NOT to afford Health Care later. 10 years from now, Targum. What’s your favorite pokéWRITING FOR you’ll be on your knees I’m writing this for mon? I like Pikachu because the all you jackass conservaTHE TARGUM” begging my retired-ass to guy in the show has a Pikachu come back and fix your tives who are blaming and it’s really cooooool. When I the shutdown on me. 17 God damn times since shitty life. And what hapwas playing I saw a pokemon and Are you fucking kid- 1977. In fact, this shut- pens then? I cackle like a I tried to catch it but I killed it and ding me? What do you down is just like the one freakin’ hyena and have I was sad. I asked my brother to help me because I dipshits know about your precious Republi- secret service send you wanted one sooooooo bad and even though he can the shutdown anyway. can Newt Gingrich had a back to the hospital so be mean sometimes he catched me one. He’s super The Republicans are the central role in starting in you can pay thousands good at games and sometimes he gives me super of dollars out of pocket ones calling for the de- 1995. strong Pokémon and I can beat all my friends with funding of ObamaCare. But who remembers to have a bag of salt wathem and they get all jealous and it’s so cool. Remember, that thing the the past anymore, right? ter pumped through That’s why I want to grow up to be like my majority of the country I mean, the past is for you that costs fifty cents brother. He’s the bestest brother in the whole wide approves of? The cen- pussies who only want to to make. Go to hell you world I know and he’s my hero. And that’s why I tral part of my success- “learn” and “avoid” the pricks. will always love my Pokémon, because my brother helps me with it and you probably can replace the POINT/COUNTERPOINT hard drive yourself for cheap, just make sure to update your drivers. I recommend upgrading to solid state which is much more stable and will prevent future issues like this one from occurring and make BY Randy Badger sure to keep good backups in the future so that you won’t have to worry about losing your data again. What the fuck! I saw this bus pull up to the bus stop two minutes ago. I had to run to get to the bus before it would UNIVERSITY VOICES leave. We’re stuffed in here like godforsaken sardines and my class starts in six minutes! At least when you sit down What’s Your Favorite Pokémon? and we start moving I can exhale. Wait--you’re stopping after driving FIVE YARDS?! What are you fucking think“I love Agumon I ing? This isn’t Livingston. Now you’re getting off the bus. Holy shit, look, all the other buses are passing us. Why can’t we just leave? Did your parents meet at a think It’s so cute.” Dumbass Family reunion? Get back in this bus. Take me to class. DO YOUR JOB. Oh you’re having a nice conversation with your bus driver colleague, chatting June Riviera, Liberal Arts each other up about how you get to torture us poor students? Both of you, go to Freshman Hell. Welcome back to the land of people who do their jobs, now drive. Shit: less than four minutes’ until class. I swear to god if your foot isn’t on that pedal in 2 seconds I’m going to cross that shitty white line and put it there myself. Don’t Girafarig is the most TOUCH ME, just get me to class or your ass is grass, bitch. Oh? Listening to me NOW, HUH? YEAH!? BY BARACK OBAMA


I Swear I’ll Drive This Bus off a Cliff BY Not Stan

You entitled pricks can kiss my black ass. Stop your whining, you jive-ass turd-brains. I work eight-hour shifts sitting on my sore bum and I have earned this break. When hemorrhoids, assholes jaywalking, and twelve cups of coffee are inevitable in your job, you try staying sane. I’m more piss than blood right now, so you’re going to wait for me and like it! If you wanted to be punctual, you’d leave extra early and walk between classes. There’s a reason you get a full 20 minutes between classes and it’s not so you have time to whack off. When you depend on me, you don’t bitch and whine. I’ll get you to your stop safely and soon enough. Because I’m the driver Rutgers deserves, but not the one it needs right now...and so you’ll abide me, because you can suck it. Because I’m not a hero. I’m a silent guardian, a watchful protector...a dark-HOLY SHIT IS THAT A KNIFE? WHAT IN-

badass motherfucker this side of Johto. Robert Howl, Too old for this shit.

I always thought Anthrax was just the sweetest thing I ever did see. Lauren Mayhew, Meant to Say Ampharos. We think.


Wednesday, October 16th, 2013


the Medium

“The person that wrote this cries after sex.”


have said it before and I will say it again: there’s nothing wrong with a grown man drinking a marg. That being said, Bud Light Straw-ber-Rita’s are excellent. They taste like a beautiful gay-pride rainbow in your mouth. Plus, they’re 8% alcohol so after a few you won’t even remember that you had them. I feel no shame drinking one while watching football, cutting down trees, chewing tobacco, and doing other manly shit. Drink your Straw-ber-Rita proud and send your personals to: and twat: @PersonalsRU.



This man came into my house, so I stabbed him 37 times and ate his hands.

I only date girls who wear tighter jeans than me and I wear super skinnies so step up your game, ladies.

Whenever you bend over to pick something up, a ghost gives you surprise buttsecks. hehehe. (Well what else is a fucking ghost going to do. No Grandpa is not watching your every move, he’s like Santa, just wants some ass.)

(Looks like that fuck who sits on the bus looking at chicks has some competition. Oh this is gonna get good.) The hanging lights in Neilson look like boobs.

(They better not sag or they If the asian people who can get the fuck outta here.) live above me keep screaming and yelling FUCK YO while stopming up the stairs I’m going to burn their organic chemistry I feel sometimes that if it weren’t for interbreedbooks. ing nobility in the past millenia and the recentSTOP IT ish trend about reducing Screw you Personals Edi- infant mortality rates, tor. I’ll do what I god- there would be less ugly damn want. In fact I’ll people in the world and take out the funding for a whole lot less people your pages and make the walking around with ceMedium 6 pages. And rebral palsy or lisps. why would I ever want to be the Backpage edi- (Do people with cerebral tor? People only look at palsy walk? Hmmm how the front page and the about that shit.) personals anyways. If you’re going to fill a seat with your backpack (Please take my funding in a 400 person lecture, please, so I don’t have to I’m going to take your read this stupid shit any- shit, put it on a random more, mostly personals that LX so you can never fucksuck like this one.) ing find it. Personal Editors, can (Damn. But my bag is more you help me get some important than anyone in friends? In fact, will you my fucking class.) be my friends? Brower has so many bugs (No we hate you.) in the salad, biology labs Please stop calling me are starting to take field all the fucking time. I trips for samples. am busy and yes I see that you already did call me 16 times, take those missed calls as a signal.


(Taking trips to sample the Salad? I do the same when I go to Brower.)

No one cares your mom has cancer. Sorrynotsorry



Livingston dining hall is I now am part of two painfully similar to ghet- publications here on campus. Soon enough I to theater. will control all the media (Oh what the fuck do you at Rutgers. know about ghetto? Your white ass can take yourself back down to North Jersey (We will use this power in the suburbs if you can’t strictly for evil. Let’s out Barchi with fake reports of hang.) him smoking mids and beatWhen alumni from the ing nuns.) 80s complain about student life now, I realize TOO SOON? they clearly have too much time, didn’t get People think that I’m a life, need more asian some skinny white kid prostitutes, and left their but then I whip out my souls on the devil’s kitch- “guns” and all the jaws en tables. be dropping. (I got interested in this shit when you said asians, then I saw prostitutes and lost all interest. The Doctor doesn’t need prostitutes but hey not everyone can be me right?) To the charter school kids in the Busch dining hall, stop walking around like you own the place. Cutting in front of me like you’re so important. “Ooh look at me, I’m in college and smart by association!” Fuck you. And for the record, no I would not say this to your faces. Even though you guys were like 11, you could probably still kick my white ass

(Skinny white kids with guns are never a good thing, i.e. every school shooting of the past twenty years.)

BURN! To the college ave printing center please take that movie poster for Carrie out of there. That shit is mad creepy. (That’s actually just a mirror you’re looking at. GOT EEEEEEEEEEM.)


POLITICS EVERYBODY VOTE TODAY FOR THE BLACK GUY! HIS NAME IS CORY BOOKER! (No, vote for the guy that won’t allow abortions even if the girl was raped and doesn’t believe in global warming!!)

LIVE TOGETHER To my roommate who gives me 6 seconds of notice before bringing his girlfriend in: if you need me to take the couch, I’ll take the couch...just don’t cum on any of my shirts while I’m gone. (Take the hint man. They want the threeway. Even if they say no at first, they want it.) After recruiting my roommate to bring me a fresh roll of tee-pee for my bunghole, I was able to catch his glance and make prolonged eye contact. These are the bonds that can never be broken. (And that is how two people realize they just fell in love.)


The only time I’m free to jog it as night, but I don’t (No don’t sell yourself short, want to get shanked by People who complain you’re on Busch right, that all the homeless people about everything make me want to hand them a means they must be Indian in the park. Huggies diaper because if they are acting like immature fucks. Yeah I’m talking (Dirty Mike and the Boys I’ve definitely heard 3 to you you skinny Indian can do whatever they want year olds whine less. motherfuckers. You all think at night in the park. Thanks (...says the person anonyyou’re cool. YOU’RE NOT for the shag wag!) mously whining to a fake AND YOU WILL NEVER GET ANY WHITE To the girl i saw playing newspaper.) PUSSY.) tennis in the park last week: that ass in those To my psych prof, stop N’SUCK yoga pants was a thing playing your shitty 80s of beauty. maybe you can hipster music before N’Sync is the best boy slap my fuzzy green ten- class. It got old after like band of all time. Back- nis balls around and i’ll the third lecture. That street Boys and One Di- spike you on the court. music doesn’t make up rection can suck it. for your monotonous (There’s actually a cream to tone that’s like listening (Oh they suck all they can get. They’re not bad either. get rid of fuzzy, green balls.) to president Obama give a speech on the imporIf you know what I’m saying. Hey don’t hate they’re I hate these loud ass tance of good human refamous.) bitches in Jameson. Why source management. you gotta come barreling How come there is no up and down the stairs love for 98 degrees or like a herd of elephants (Yeah, why wouldn’t he LFO during meetings? with your fat ass flip play modern classics like Miley Cyrus being slutty Lets get some variety. flops and dangling key- and Drake crying over his (It’s getting better this week, rings? You’re all like hu- girlfriend from “The Sims” breaking up with him.) Yeah thats right Managing man Snorlaxes. Editor I’m taking a shot at you, lets see if you actually JOIN OR DIE: read this page. HmmmmTHE MEDIUM MEETS WEDNESDAYS AT mm.



Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

“We don’t need a copy editor. We have each other.”

Caption Contest!

Krupa’s Corner Fuck-It List

It’s like a bucket list but for Rutgers students! That’s why it’s a fuck-it list!

What’s Shakin’

 Tonight 8:00pm, @BCC rm120B Sexy Medium Meeting Come...You know you want to.  Thursday 8:00pm @BCC, The Cove RUPA Presents: Live Vibes Rutgers Kickass performance by a collection of bands and musicians. The first exciting thing that’s happened on Busch in the last century. Don’t miss it. Friday 8:00pm, @Livingston Student Center Karaoke at the Zone Make a fool of yourself. Make fun of everybody else. Get in the zone.

1. Base Jump off the RAC: When I was a freshman, the coolest thing to do was to parachute off of the $8 million athletic building. 2. Roll Sushi into Underpants: Sit in the dining hall all day collecting sushi, and stuff as much as of it as you possibly you can into your undies. Watch out for that wasabi. And the winner of last week’s caption contest is....

“What do you mean you forgot which bottle you put the cyanide pill in??” Come write for us.

This week’s photo is below. Make it good.

WANT TO BE FAMOUS?? Submit shit. themedium.backpage@ ..that’s how it works right?

3. Cuddle with a Patel: We are everywhere. Yes, you can fuck us if you want but keep it clean, kids. 4. Renovate a Rutgers Building: You don’t actually need to physically renovate it. Just get creative. I MADE THE NEW BUSINESS SCHOOL BUILDING A SHINY DISCO JOINT! 5. See a Zack Morrison production: Not only does he videotape the football games, he hits balls. Big Balls. Big Volleyballs. You should watch every video he has ever made and then memorize it, dress like him, start talking like him, and then one day... become him. 6. An Asian: Enough said.

Spot the Difference!!

I made this in order to distract myself from the fact that I’m currently too broke to purchase the newest Pokemon game. There are 15 differences total. Find them all and win a prize!*

That porn you were looking at last night? Sloth knows.



Things Worse than the Weekend Buses: • Nothing. • Now kindly, go fuck yourself.

*offer valid while suplies last. To claim your prize present this (solved) page at the next Medium meeting.

10/16/13 Rutgers Medium  
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