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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue V
OCTOBER 16th, 2013
BEE AGRESSIVE, BEE BEE AGRESSIVE!
CRIME ALERT:
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- Attention Rutgers Community, The Rutgers University Police Department is investigating --BEEEEEEEEEEES--oh god oh god BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEES!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES! DA BEES ARE EVERYWHEREE! Uh oh, oh no oh no that’s a big one! Stay back! Don’t move and they won’t hurt you! OH GOD THEY’RE NOT SUPPOESD TO HURT YOU!! BEEEEEEEEEEES!!! The bees are all over campus, students I don’t know what to do. Do we spread ourselves in honey? I don’t know!! BIG BEES LITTLE BEES yellow demons wearing black stripes!!! Flying over campus and I DON’T KNOW WHY! Our weapons are useless against them! Ahh STOP don’t do that you’re making them madder!!! ARE YOU CRAContinued on Page 2
"AAAAAAHHHH FUCKING HELL" IT STINGS!!!!!!OH LORDY LORDY LORD!!!!!!!
ONLY WHEN I'M DRUNK
Rutgers Field Hockey Team Welcomes Fan
BY NAILIN PALIN PERSONALS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ -- The Scarlet Knights field hockey team hosted an audience during Saturday’s game against Georgetown. Stephen Alexander, a freshman biology major, attended the 1:00 PM game, saying he was really bored and hungover before entering the gates of the Bauer Track and Field Complex on the Livingston Campus. “I kept hearing whistles and thought I saw red and white things moving in the distance when I left my dorm at Livi, so I wandered over to see what it was all about,” he said. Eventually noticing the wooden sticks and goals, he figured out it was field hockey, or at least some sort of field day for the local school for children with disabilities. “I pounded 8
ALEXANDER SOLE ATENDEE OF RUTGERS-GEORGETOWN GAME "Honestly, I thought it was lacrosse."
or 9 Keystones and drank who Senior Lisa Patrone was knows how much Burnett’s last amazed when she saw the specnight so my head was killing tator willfully enter the stadium. me so I thought some fresh air “In my fourth season here, he’s might help a little,” Alexander Continued on Page 2 said.
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Turn to the Inside Cover to Meet the Pricks Who Painstakingly Put this Paper Up for Your Ungrateful Asses!! Freshman Still Unable to Understand Why Everyone Hates Him Fraternal Order of Police Bust their Own Party Meal Swipes Accepted for Flavored Condoms Gary Nova Admits to Submitting his Own RU Crushes NJPIRG Exercises Right to be Annoying Assholes The Medium Staff Depressed After Exxxotica; Want to Go Back Government Lockdown Extended After Pokémon XY Release "12 Angry Patels" Nominated for Oscar Students at Bus Stops Been Waiting at Red Oak Lane for 53 Hours Brower Dining Hall Attempts to Improve Image by Removing Fraternities from Tabling on Steps