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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
october 10th, 2012
Volume xliii Issue V
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
CHRIST JOINS EVANGELICALS AT COLLEGE AVE BUS STOP
BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR IN CHIEF
COLLEGE AVE—Jesus Christ, prominent Christianity advocate, has recently joined a group of proselytizing Christians frequently spotted at the Rutgers Student Center bus stop. Christ, 35, was first seen with the group last Thursday, shouting Bible verses into a megaphone and holding a sign that read “ACCEPT ME AS YOUR SAVIOR.” “Yea, I am the way, the truth, and the life,” said the son of God. “No man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14:6.” When asked about His intentions at the University, Christ responded into the megaphone, “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Luke 5:31, 32.” Student reacted immediately to the Messiah’s visit. “I tried to engage Him in a calm debate,” explained junior, Charles Barry, majoring in Mechanical Engineering. “You
Lazy male senior sits down to pee On the fourth floor of the Rutgers Student Center last Friday, student Wes Hamberg opted to unzip and sit on the toilet just to pee. "Thursday night was so hard, just so hard. And all those steps to the top of the RSC man, it just totally blows. Don't judge me man," said Hamberg. Unfortunately, his roommates totally did by removing not one, but two man cards.
Student finds that roommate knows too much about ass-hamsters to have never had one DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST? Christ, second from right, demonstrates at the Student Center bus stop.
know, really see if He understood the verses He was yelling at us. It never got too heated but He didn’t give up any ground.” Barry continued, “I shook His hand to thank Him for the
intellectually stimulating debate, and then I was cured of all my ills, and stuff. I guess that’s cool. But I wouldn’t say He made me less agnostic.” Continued on Page 2
DOWN BY THE BAY
Former Rutgers Football Coach Greg Schiano Slowly Developing Nervous Facial Tic BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
TAMPA—Though Coach Greg Schiano has left Rutgers for the warm skies of Florida, his new job is not all relaxation and mai tais. According to a spokesperson for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Schiano is seeing treatment for a nervous tic that has suddenly developed in his face. “There is nothing to worry about,” said Lauren Wilton, Head of Public Relations for the team. “It has only developed recently and is easily treated.” According to a psychiatric nurse who had made contact with Schiano during his treatment, the tic came suddenly and nobody knew what had causing it.
“It came very suddenly, just after the first Rutgers football game of the year,” said the nurse, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “And, as the weeks have gone on, its just been getting worse.” Schiano, who was last honored back in 2006 for his coaching abilities, has already gen-
erated negative press with the Buccaneers with controversial plays and team management. “We think he may have Tourette’s as well,” said the nurse. “We mentioned to him that the Knights had just gone 5-0 and that Coach Flood is doing an excellent job, and he just started wildly cursing.”
12 inches, 1 minute ESTABLISHED 1970
"Not that there's anything wrong with that, just, it's...nevermind," said Plum Street resident Derek Peterson.
Nervous teacher imagining class in underwear charged with sexual harassment.
Dirk McCullum was removed from his classroom in handcuffs after trying the old tighty-wighty calming trick last Thursday. "I know people these days are a lot more sensitive, but hey with the way Slutgers students dress, I barely had to use my imagination," said McCullum from prison. The accused is set to appear in court next week, blindfolded.
Freshman cleaning clothes for the first time caught moneylaundering.
The crinkled up wet 20 dollar bill in the back of his jeans did in fact make it out in one piece. It was the clear work of a scrub. A 35 minute scrubbing on "perm press," whatever that means.
Wednesday, October 10th, 2012
"I was riding in a roflcopter over the lolcean whilst wearing lollerskates. lol."
Homeless kid sparks new enterprise Lead BY GUYS NAMED TODD CONTRIBUTING WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Over the past few days a new trend of panhandling has begun outside of Scott Hall and other areas of high traffic for the needs of making quick, easy money. “It’s a great way to make money, collecting quarters and random change from people,” explained panhandler George Caruso. The trend started last week after the neighborhood homeless kid was found to have collected over $200 in the last week. “I’ve been doing it since I saw that fucker, making mad bank, breaking bread, making it
rain with all his cash. I couldn’t let him make all the money, said Caruso.” Now an estimated 45 panhandlers have appeared all over College Ave Campus looking for anything they can get from the concerned public. “I’ve been getting free meals for the last week! People feel so sorry that I appear to be homeless so they usually buy me snacks for later on that night too,” said Caruso. However, the panhandling has resulted in an unexpected backlash. Some students such as sophomore Caitlyn Farrell have expressed the woes of generosity. “I was just trying to walk
to class, and there they all are, looking so helpless. It’s getting cold outside and they’re just sitting there looking for a little charity, so I give each of them a little money and next thing I know I’m broke asking them for money,” said Farrell. Furthermore, students are mistakenly donating to other students just spending time outside. “People have been walking up to me the last week giving me free shit and telling me that my luck changes soon. Like fuck, I’m just trying to enjoy the nice day outside. I miss one weekend of laundry and this shit starts,” complained Estevez-Emilio Smith.
SOMETHING GOES HERE
Study finds that 'you're ugly' remains most effective insult subjects feelings were. The subjects, varying in age from 18 to 35, were controlled for variables RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—In such as race, religious affiliation, a recent psychological survey mental illness, gender, and fampublished this month in Jour- ily dynamics. The list included a nal of Psychology, researchers variety of insults ranging from found that “you’re ugly” rated simple digs at the subjects inas the most cutting insult out of tellect, to more complex insults a list of over 30 insults that were about specific sexual preferencpresented to subjects. es and social shortcomings. Subjects were put in an Across the board, researchroom with a researcher who then ers found that the most effective looked the subject in the eye and insult was “you’re ugly” across read off a randomized list of all possible demographics. Even insults. Measurements of tear among individual demographic production were taken after ev- groups, “you’re ugly” produced ery insult to assess how hurt the a larger amount of tears than BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
Your eternal father goes to college...
...continued from front
“I just ignore Him most of the time,” said freshman Allie Watson. “But sometimes they’re so loud I can’t drown them out with my headphones.” Christ said He would continue to spread the gospel until the apocalypse, which He assured reporters is imminent next April “based on the obvious math in the Bible.” “If you work things out, the end times should fall in the middle of next April,” said the Almighty. “I swear to Dad.”
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
specific racial slurs or comments about how one’s gender makes them ill equipped to handle specific intellectual tasks. Even more base insults such as having the researcher imply that he had intercourse with the subjects mother or suggesting that the subject should perform fellatio on the researcher did not produce a response on the same level as “you’re ugly.” “You can’t beat the classics,” said head researcher Gerald Kugland. “Nothing makes stupid gay-wads cry more than straight up calling them ugly.”
e v i t a rn e t k l a A e r B g n i Spr Why spend your spring break at home when you can go to scenic Denville, NJ?
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
BE PART OF SOMETHING THAT IS LIFE CHANGING
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
singer of The Fray visits soup kitchen BY LIL' BIT STAFF WRITER
HUB CITY—Isaac Slade, former frontman of the once-popular band The Fray, paid a visit to Elijah’s Promise Soup Kitchen in downtown New Brunswick last weekend. Wearing tattered old jeans and a filthy t-shirt reading, “The Fray: Summer Tour ‘07," Slade was giddy with anticipation at the thought that he might be recognized by other patrons once inside the building. “Wait until you see their faces,” he gushed, “They’re going to be so star-struck!” Upon entering the facility, however, Slade was greeted with a less than warm welcome. “Big Dave,” a frequent visitor to Elijah’s Promise, reportedly took offense to what he perceived to be Slade cutting the hot foods line and proceeded to place his giant palm over the “How To Save A Life” singer’s bald head, shoving him roughly to the ground. Despite the altercation, one patron finally recognized the former Top 40 star. “Yeah, sing that song! You guys had that one song! I’VE BEEN CRAWLING IN THE DARK, LOOKING FOR THE ANSWER! Right?! Wasn’t that you guys?” exclaimed a homeless man with flecks of his own shit in his beard. Slade responded by shaking his head sadly. “No. I mean, yeah, that used to be us…but that was a long time ago,” he said as he helped himself to a crescent roll. THIS STRIP OF THE MEDIUM IS COVERED IN PCP. TAKE A LICK AND COME OVER TO RSC ROOM 439 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 6:30 PM FOR MORE! WHILE YOU'RE THERE FEEL FREE TO CONTRIBUTE FUNNIES! NYEAAAAAAH
News Editors Alan Smithee Stewart Hallman Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano John Eberhardt
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Leif Tornberg Bento Box Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Cubby the Pug
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to all the different styles of humor. Because not everyone's sense of humor is the same and what you don't get, someone else might.
Wednesday, October 10th, 2012
“I like to go to value town on a regular basis”
Addition of a Halide to an Alkene Bond
By KCIG “Oh, hydrogen bromide, all of the negative enthalpy of my carbon-carbon bond has reaction. Luckily, a molecule of been so stiff and unmoving,” solvent offered said the primary alkene. “Won’t a hydrogen to you help loosen me up?” assuage the Hydrogen bromide wasted u n f a v o r a b l e no time. It only took .00001 mo- lone pair that lar peroxide to get his reaction was shifted. going. He took off his hydrogen, The bromide ion attached carelessly leaving a free radical himself to the 1’-Carbon of the attached, too excited to maintain now-alkane chain, content. The his own stabilelectron clouds ity. The bromine swirled around radical looked at their nuclei, and that tasty carbonBromine felt carbon double close to someone bond, all 133.9 for the first time. picometers in He had Hydrolength. Deep in gen before, but his nucleus he that was more of felt all his quarks a give-and-take quivering, all of ionic bond. He his strings shakhad never before ing with anticipation of what he felt the warmth of covalency. was about to do. Just then, the pair noticed a He looked at the electrons shift in their electron blanket unswarming in the cloud between der which they were basking in those carbons, and he felt the the afterglow of free energy. pulsation of his free radical, There was a nucleophile apand he proaching. A cyanide ion! Brofelt the mine could feel the covalent solvent bond dissolving between him carry his and her carbon, as the highly a t o m i c electronegative lone pair apweight toward the voluptuous proached the alkane from beelectron density until their two hind. clouds overlapped. The cyanide started railing The alkene was nervous the alkane, pushing his lone pair as the electrons began to inter- between her tetrahedral bonds, act, repelling each other. She minimizing the stearic interaccouldn’t tell what their posi- tion. tions were when she knew their Bromine, now an ion, driftacceleration, and she couldn’t ed off into the solvent, watching tell what their acceleration was the alkyl chain he once thought when she knew their position, he knew so well forming a more but she knew that it felt amaz- stable bond with the cyanide. ing. All of the sudden, she felt an He wondered if he would ever electron pair bounce onto her 2’ again feel the comfort and stacarbon. She was fearful despite bility of a covalent bond again.
“It only took .00001 molar peroxide to get his reaction going.”
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The weekly drag Random Middies
by: Teemo, the Swift Scout This weekend I had the pleasure of smoking some random middies. I wanted to share this experience with you as this was really a once in a lifetime experience! So I was with a group of like twenty people, some strangers and some friends, I just wanted to get along with them so badly! Someone whipped out a little baggie and offered to everyone, and I don’t normally smoke but everyone else was so I decided to do it too! So I took a puff from the pipe and everyone just stared at me, then I started coughing everywhere! It was terrible! But everyone was laughing, so I tried to laugh between coughs too. I didn’t know what was funny but I also didn’t want to be the only one not laughing. So the weed was pretty
good; I’d describe the taste as a bit like burnt cauliflower and a bit like burnt peanut butter. People asked me how my hit was so I told them that and then we kept laughing! Everyone was having such a great time, although I really was hurting from the smoke. I’d get my breath back and start feeling okay after coughing the whole time the pipe was being passed around. Of course, its right then that the pipe gets back to me and the whole cycle started again. Everytime I was busy coughing, everyone would start laughing again! I kept missing out on what everyone was laughing at but I’m happy I fit in with them! Smoking weed was a fun experience and I really did like the taste of it! Who would’ve thought of putting those flavors together?!
POETRY Walls of White
by Admiral Koala
Oh the woeful sorrow Abandoned here in this porcelain jail It is a miracle I live though Left alone all through my shrill wail I fear the long fall into the great depth Where I would be unable to take another breath The slippery walls like a one way door The view itself chilling me straight to my core The time passes but very slow Every so often a an hit by a great flow But with each splash I still remain To fall and die, now my greatest bane I struggle to contact my master But he needs me no more than a bag of plaster For I am the lonely pub in a urinal And when I pass, have my grave say my name was Daniel.
“G-GO-GO-GO-G-G-GO BEYOND. BE-BE-BEYON-BEYOND.”
Wednesday, October 10th, 2012
EVERYTHING IS DEPRESSING NOW
What People Can Do to Be As Good As Me Everything is So Beautiful, BY JUST AN AVERAGE GUY and Amazing When I’m on You know, there’s re- use as a personal outlet. Computer scially a point where society ence might be useful on paper, but how Ecstacy. Except Ted.
stops just being average and actually starts to fail. I don’t mean scraping by with a D, I mean flatout FAILED. Whenever I walk down the street, I can’t help but notice all the commonfolk listening to their pop music. Laughing with each other about their little Internet jokes. Idling by and being unproductive while their precious, precious lives slowly slip away. These people need to wake up. Wake up and realize that there’s more to life than taking the easy way out, majoring in criminal justice and going to parties every weekend. Start doing something useful for once. Write for a college magazine, even if nobody reads it. It’s important to express yourself in some way while you’re sober. Or maybe change your major to something that you can really
fulfilled will you feel on your deathbed? Draw. Write. Breathe. Ever had a horrible, horrible weekend and as Sunday is winding down, you can’t do anything but study for your calculus test on Monday? Just stop. Walk outside, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s more to life than a bunch of stupid equations you’ll never use later in life. Live in the present; if something goes wrong later, you can take care of it then. Don’t become another member of the flock; stand out, become your own person, live the way you want to. And if something goes wrong? You know where to find me: under a tree on Cook/Douglass, enjoying the simple things in life. I’ll be more than happy to help you with whatever you need: and who knows, maybe I’ll have something for you to help me with, too!
SUBMIT TO MY PAGE: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM ALSO COME TO OUR MEETING 6:30-7:30 @ RSC-439 SERIOUSLY I CAN’T TALK TO MYSELF FOR MUCH LONGER REAL AD
BY SOME DUDE ON E Oh my God. Just – wow. I’ve heard people say things about being on ecstasy but I never realized how amazing it would feel. It’s like everything in the world has a purpose and each piece was meant to be together. Everything is beautiful. Well, except Ted. Even now, with this rush of synthetic good feelings, I can’t get over how much of a spaz he is. Everything I hate about him has broken through my astral projection and visions of geometric shapes. I love every person in the world, from the bottom of my heart. But there is no room for this fucking guy. When the house music is playing, and we’re all rolling along, I feel like everything is in sync; everything is connected. Except Ted. There is everything, and then there is Ted: completely separate. I want to get completely faced out and touch everyone I can get my hands on in an old warehouse. I want to feel like I am the son of the Earth and all the people I see are my sons and daughters. When the sun awakes at dawn and I start to feel the comedown, the overwhelming peace that I feel with everything around me is overwhelming. Except when I look at Ted. I feel no peace when I see Ted.
Wow, Romney Made a Really Good Point There.
BY JOSH LORHAR So there I was, watching the debate, when it really hit me; Romney really knows what he’s talking about. His five-step plan to help the ailing economy makes perfect sense. How on earth could Obama not have figured this out? It was so simple, Romney was able to cover his entire plan in under three minutes! Shows how much the current president knows. Obama’s plan for education? Please. Romney knows where it’s at. We need to send those dollars right back to where they belong. Eliminate that overhead. Energy production? Burning anything but coal is complete and utter nonsense. Finally, it looks like our nation might finally get the man it needs. This debate is totally over, but I’ll keep watching anyway.
You Know, Obama’s Also Got Some Solid Opinions. BY JOSH LORHAR
Hold on, that actually was a pretty good point Obama made there. He really didn’t contribute THAT much to the debt; most of it was handed to him the moment he first walked into the Oval Office. Insurance companies don’t really need THAT much money. Take all that money away, and we’re already a big step closer to completely removing the debt. Right? Repealing ‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’, ending the war in Iraq; hell, he even captured Osama Bin Laden! He really got a lot done in the past four years, and let’s face it; the economy isn’t going to fix itself overnight. Maybe if we give him another term, he’ll finish his dream and make America the prosperous nation that it once was.
Wednesday, October 10rd, 2012
I’m craving more coconut juice.
THAT ONE SCENE IN THE MOVIE GHOST
DEM DOLLAR BILLS
BROTON THE DOUCHEBAG PARTICLE!
MOST IMPORTANT SCIENTIST EVER
the Medium IN CLASS
“Your ass turned on CAPS lock...again”
to the black girls in the library, ....jk im too scared to write this im just a little white girl who gon get her ass beat
You know those guys who judge you and you know they’re judging you. I’m one of those guys and I’m sorry that I’m not sorry, but if I’m (yo ma, yo ma you tryna start some? shiiiii girl i qot judging you it is proba ass beatin for u right here) ably because you are a worthless piece of shit. To my dear classmates, Each day we ride the (I hate those guys. That bus, stuff ourselves with judge you. Sigh. I want to dining-hall food, and at- go home.) tend class in the company of dozens of friends, To the girl who I asked to and thousands of strang- suck my dick, I’m sorry I ers. With such a crowded asked. I’m not sorry that campus, its easy to let the many nameless fac- you did it. Thanks for es blend into the back- making my night, I owe ground. But I beg you, you one! take notice of your fellow students. Put down your (sigh.) smart phone, remove your ear buds, and open yourself to the possibility To the hot girls on college of a spontaneous conver- ave, I’m really loving sation. It sure beats eat- those yoga pants! To the ing alone and trying to fat girls on college ave, avoid eye contact on the stop wearing yoga pants, it’s gross. bus… you awkward fucks… (yeah fat girls, what are you (Hey guy, welcome to the thinking trying to achieve personals page. We like the same level of comfort crude, offensive things like and noncommittal dress dick jokes and big black code as the skinny girls?! dildo references. Thank you Just put a trash bag on your for the moral eiquette lesson head next time and go out of the house like that. sigh.) though.) To the guy who wouldn’t let me have a bite of his fat sandwich even though I asked. It’s probably better that I didn’t. You wouldn’t be able to maintain your fat fucking physique without every bite of the three fat sand(Skinny girls and bitch faces go hand in hand appar- wiches you ordered. And ently...maybe she’s laugh- you couldn’t spare one ing at you for being a fat bite? SMH kind face.) (SMDH it was his fucking To my Saturday class: sandwich!! Of course he I keep missing football was fat, what normal sized games, and it’s all be- person hangs out around cause of you. If you were the grease trucks buying fat a girl, I would take a sandwiches on a daily badump on your chest. sis? ) To the skinny girl with the bitch face in my writing class, why are you always laughing? For real. Every time you laugh I lose ten laughs from my life that I can never get back.
(ah, the old personify your Rutgers classes and then talk to them using misogynist rhetoric shtick...never gets old!) To my Shakspear professor, wtf are you talking about? Othello was a black guy? Shakspear had black guys in his time??
Wednesday, October 10th 2012
To the curly headed fuck that insists on sitting in front of me during class, get a fucking haircut. Your jewfro doesn’t have the notes on the back of it therefor you should not be sitting in the first row. Sincerely, blinded by your dome (lol...dome.)
FROM THE DESK OF LIL BIT
To all the sleepy-ass freshman on the shuttle to the football game: WAKE THE FUCK UP! RU was on its way to 5 and 0 and all you dumbass muthafuckas could do was be sober and tired on the way to the game? You cockslinging bros especially need to get your bitches outta bed and into the game. Fucking pathetic degenerates.
HEY YOU, YOU READING THE PERSONALS: Go read the rest of the paper you ignorant piece of shit. These people slave away every damn week to bring you guys a whole satire paper and then you little assholes flip right over here to read the garbage that you and your equally retarded friends write. If my speech hasn’t moved you, though, then just keep sending them in, business as usual. No harm done, no hurt feelings.
(freshmen, you’re pathetic. I know it was all of your sleeping too-drunk asses who snagged all the tickets too, I couldn’t even get one. Suck my balls.)
To my roomate; I heard you put all other Indians to shame. When you walk down the streets other Indians come up To the A bus driver on to you and ask if you Monday night, nice job can sign their curry with scraping your bus up on bright red chilly sauce. If that B bus, I’m sure both they they call you a Bhenbuses appreciated the bus choe it’s only because on bus friction they got. they want you to make I’m also sure the busing sweet love to their sisters company loved having to so they can have your pay for the damages! family name. They are so jealous of your muscular (that’s some hot bus-on-bus physique that thy would action right there...come overdose on steroids and soon to a free porn site near high grade tranquilizer you.) just to get on your level. to the girls on the the f bus Simply put, you are the who who were so offend- biggest and bestest Indied when i asked them po- an there is at Rutgers. litely to move their bags off an empty seat on a To the kid standing across packed bus: are you fuck- from me at the bond refing serious? youre right, i erendum rally, you were kind of hot and surprisdeserved those eye rolls ingly informed....i like and groans of inconve- that in a guy. I also liked nience, why should i sit your glasses and yellow when your backpacks sweatshirt. filled with your apple products are clearly more To the guy who keeps visiting our dorm in the worthy middle of the night, STOP FUCKING VISIT(you know how Douglass ING US AT 3 IN THE girls get about their Apple MORNING. IT’S FUCKproducts.) ING 3 IN THE MORNWhen are they gonna fire ING. Couldn’t you pick that bitch with the fro more convenient times to who drives the F? She stop by like, oh, I don’t always blasts the fuckin know, WHEN WE’RE heat and she never lets AWAKE? If you dare me on even after I wave to enter our room in the middle of the night at her. again, our overly buff (because she hates you and army friend will be waitshe likes to watch your fat ing to beat the shit out of you. GTFO!! ass run after the bus.)
EHHHH to that presumably black person complaining about racists....fuckoff dude. I deem u racist and stereotypical for assuming the racists r white. Also, I grew up in a “black” town...I get along very well with just about any race. Oh and let’s get real dude, the only new Bruns natives that live in college town r either old white folk or Mexicans...and the my Mexican neighbors were drinkin with us last time we raged. Get wrecked. “I transcend race hombre” -Kenny fucking Powers, La Flama Blanca (Oh shut the fuck up. You’re from a “black town” ? That’s the whitest thing anyone’s ever said...I wish you were the real Kenny Powers, maybe at least then this personal would be funny.) to the heavy breather that chooses to sit next to me in class no matter how often i change my seat, either bring an oxygen tank to class cause clearly you are deprived, or find a new place to sit, preferably in a different area code (He probably likes you because you smell nice and don’t have diabetes.) Roses are red, violets are blue, we’re ranked #20 in the Big East so suck on my nutsack (K how much -__-)
I heard asian parents stop talking about their To the LX driver NOT (restraining order time? ) children to their friends if named Stan. You’re a little creepy hitting on the To the boy I met last their children can’t go to blondes that hang in the weekend, asking me to medical school. Confirm front of the bus. You’re meet your family is just or deny. like 20 yrs older than not ok!! Sincerely, we’re (No your bad that’s jews.) never having sex again them dude. Ewww.
Wednesday, October 10th, 2012
“FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE!!!”
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT My partner in crime, the left page editor, enjoys small dogs, Italian food and long pensive walks. She is thoughtful and always has something positive to say. Hey left page editor....you are very beautiful and kind!
SMELL YA LATER
Why does everybody at I wish Jim Lehrer moderthe train station smell ated Twitter so we could all ignore the character like a fucking wet dog? limit. To the girl that spent the morning taking care of Love the days your car is Anyway. Enough bullshit. Send us some personals, goats on cook campus. we like it when you do and sometimes I even get so Thank you for not show- biting at the bit to go fast excited that I email you back with a little message and ering and choosing the while blaring a pump up seat right next to me. song and pull up to a stuthen jizz my pants. There’s nothing I want dent driver #wannarace XOXO Blumpkin more than to smell urine #youwont for an hour and thirty BUNCH OF RANDOM SHIT minutes. Sweatshirt and shorts Still find it hilarious the Whenever I get strong P.S. Those brown spots # P e r f e c t C o m b o administration of Rut- feelings for a memeber on your jeans make it #LoveTheWeatherThisgers calls an entire week- of the the opposite sex, I look vintage! TimeOfYearrrrr end “Blackout Weekend” always like to blast any (Cook should really start random 80s song. their own clothing line... Almost just got raped walking home, not by a I have to sell myself short, that can call it SHYT) (Nothing says “creeper” homeless man but by a I’m 5’1”! ZIIIIING! more than blasting an old Smells like shame, sex, squirrel .... rock balad.) and month-old dirty That awkward moment laundry...I must be in a when someone comes (Squirrel was probably just frat house. I swear to God if I get one up in “people you may trying to get his nut on. more 2013 seniors list in know” on facebook that (It ain’t a frat house until it ZING!) you were friends with a my email... smells like premature ejacuweek ago... lation) (Whatchu gon do???) Oh okay I guess I’ll just Its colder than a witch’s To the douchebag who take a little 2 hour nap tit outside! Anyone who wears af- decided rip ass during #thelivingroomfloorisfliction is whack. our President’s test in Van toocomfy Dyke, I hope that you not (How is a which’s teet cold?) I could probably con- only fail the exam, but struct a bookcase from all your bowels explode and (Oh my GOD I’m SOOOO Ummm go fuck yourself? the mini-bibles those relihungover!) you fucking die! gous fanatics have given Has my repuation pre- me at my time here at To the ape next to me Having to explain my life who never bothered to re- story and how I’m a merceded me or was I too Rutgers. move a single bacterium maid to my teachers ... quick for it? from his odious mouth: I (The power of Christ com- now truly understand the #mermaidprob Seriously does anyone pels you make that bookcase very meaning of the adelse read this paper for out of rich mahogany!) jective “offensive” when Just ate myself into carbosomething besides this describing an odor. I am hydrate oblivion #Sweatpersonals page? shirtSeason Found that dumb bitch 19 angry; I am OFFENDED yr old troll who snatched that you would come into (The short answer is no.) my ID in December. Gave a crowded place like ARC (Tis the season to be fatty her the bird. FUCK YOU. and fail to brush your tralalala lah lahh la lahh.) teeth for what smells like How the fuck am I supit’s been the entire twenty posed to keep writing years of your life. I have Another great night of raIt always sounds like personals when my anmen noodle soup #Brokeger tends to be at a specif- fucking riots or frat haz- squeezed up as close to CollegeKidProbz ic group of black people? ing outside my house. I this poor guy next to feel nervous about leav- me as possible to avoid your pungent foulness. appy hump day everying for food. (This personal seemed to If your breath smells like one. When you see a have worked wouldn’t you (It was probably those black an unholy cocktail of liq- good looking stranger say?) people. They’re always into uid baby shit and rotting today *jog over* *bend corpse teeth, and you re- him/her over* “HAPPY that weird shit.) fuse to do anything about HUMP DAY BABAY” *5 Bringing in spiked drinks it, then please just don’t pelvic thrusts* #Shooter into production doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic. It Barchi made me an hour breathe, let alone yawn. late to my class because If I vomit, I will be sure just means its Monday. of his stupid little speech. to aim at you. It would be (Don’t forget pistol fingers. Always gotta give em the I hope you get hit by one an improvement. pistol fingers.) I remember my first time of your own buses. Dick using photoshop. McCormick was twice (Perfect dating material the president you’ll ever right thurrrr.) White people spend be. money #RomneyCamA fucking asian nearly To the actual Medium: paignInThreeWords ran me over while I was crossing the college ave Did everyone go to AC thanks for giving me a student center. Its called this weekend? I couldn’t place to be a terrible per- Holy shit is Dexter gonright-of-fucking-way for tell by all the fucking son and you rock! Al- na end every week with ways a huge fan! Also a reason! posts clogging my feed. a WTF moment?!! First please don’t judge me. he tells Deb now this??? He smelled fucking terWas he driving a Honda? Dudeeee I went to Vegas! #LikeSeriously #Cray rible.
FOR REAL THO... To you know i’m getting really sick of all these fucking TAs that can’t speak or understand english. I fucking hate trying to do well in a class and asking questions when the TA doesn’t even know what I’m asking and tries to answer by talking about the one word they understood in my sentence and telling me something completely useless! GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY OR LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! (I’ve always wondered where the hell all the white TA’s are for these classes?) Apparently Rutgers banned glitter from Derby Days...what the shit?! (Someone get Ke$ha on this STAT! We need to make it rainnnnn!) To the girl on the Weekend 1 bus after the football game, I have your Ferby and your not getting it back. (If Furby has become a euphimism for vagina again, this personal makes more sense.) To all those fuckers bitchin about my #Tweets section. If they are put out in a public forum then they are eligible for usage in any form Its not fuckin creepy its Contsitution 101. Freedom of fuckin speech. To the fucking kid begging for money by scott hall, I’m onto you fucker. I’ve seen you walk around in normal clothes and you’re basicallly scamming peole for money. Also why the fuck are you going to college kids? We’re all fucking broke (He should be talking to that fake deaf black guy. He gets money all the time on Easton Ave.) To the Mexicans who clean our floor in Frelinghuysen...Thanks for not putting a fucking wet sign in the bathroom. Nearly broke my skull open cuz of you fuckers. To my fucking mouse... why you no work??! I swear I’ll buy a new one!
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, October 10th, 2012
“What’s up dude?? Tryna fuck??”
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore Al Gore decided to embark on a mission to discover why the human race was created, aboard the Prometheus.
My Roomate Sleeping BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | IHATEALLOFYOU
Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 Where the fuck are you guys? Thursday at 11:30 AM ACE-NET Luncheon @ Rutgers Club The Sky-Net takeover will commence next week Thursday at 12:00 PM Whose Organ Is It Anyway? The ‘Amazing Placenta’ as a Biomedical and Cultural “Object” @ Institute for Health The black market is going to have a field day with this one. Friday at 2:00 PM Interviewing Skills for Medical School @ Busch Campus Center Skill level +1
It’s feeding time!
I was very pleased to see these two cuties in my inbox today, but the rest of you really need to step up your game. Next week I expect to see more of you huddled together in your beds. Otherwise, keep up the submissions to keep this column alive!
I give up, you can figure out the rest of this crossword.
Useless Reviews of the Week BY LIL BIT | Correspondent
Straight up, this animal gets no stars. Let me explain: 1. Heads that twist all the way around (the exorcist). 2. They are only awake in the night time. 3. Always a sarcastic look on their faces...like what the fuck are you so smug about, owls? They’re like that guy in the flannel shirt reading the Rutgers Review in the DCC, except it’s the forest and we’re talking about owls. Maybe you’re still not sold on this. Maybe you’re thinking okay, so all of those things might be true but they do have cute babies. I mean baby owls are cute, that’s something we can all agree on, right? To which I would say, yeah, but they also yak up their food and feed it to the babies. The babies love it too, can’t get enough. They’re like, “Mom, please regurgitate more pellets of bones and flesh and then drop it down my gullet for nourishment!” Nice one, pricks.
Voter Registration Mad Lib BY THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA |That country you live in