Page 1

Referendum 2004 An editorial from our bi-weekly magician with words, Ned Berke.

Don’t read this Students around campus fall for prank of weekly newspaper. Many were amused.

See ‘Retorts’ on Page 6

See ‘Prank’ on Page 4

Funding to Athletics Cut In a rash decision fuding to all athletics at the University. Many are upset at the U. See ‘Atheltics’ on Page 12 Serving the Rutgers Community since 1969

THE DAILY MEDIUM Wednesday 15¢ - Vol. 35, No 21 - ©2004 Medium Publishing Co.

The Medium Loses To The Rutgers “Coke Addiction” By George Baxter “It’s about fucking time.” This was a statement that many students, parents, faculty, alumni, and followers of all religions uttered this past Friday after this Rutgers University publication was notified that it would no longer be receiving funds from University, Rutgers, Livingston or Cook College funds. Friends said that when Michael Stanley, The Medium’s Editor In Chief, opened the envelope at his home “At least Douglass is still supporting us.” was all he said before crying uncontrollably. As of now the exact reason for the Publication’s loss of funds is unknown; however, it has unofficially been stated by a two university employees that there have been several ‘heated’ meetings with contacts from the Coca-Cola Corporation. The reports have been mixed to the exact topic of these meetings. One of the sources said, “I heard a

man say, ‘That’s my daughter’s vagina in a newspaper you pay for.” The second source said the arguments were about the content of the paper being too offensive. Regardless, it was a threat of our corporate pimp abandoning the University that spawned the decision to cut us lose. So on a personal note, I hope that if we’re going down it’s because of the first one because buddy, your daughter is a whore. One writer for The Medium said, “I can’t imagine Coke being like, “We can’t be funding sluts like Pepsi does with their Britany Spears.”… some Exec must’ve seen his kid’s bush.” Another person from the Eboard said he has already begun to make plans for finding funds from non-Rutgers sources. “We may go independent,” he said, “there are lots of Smut Shops and Strip clubs in New Jersey. They’ll all love us.”

March 31, 2004

(732) 373-7085 WEATHER: Shitty Smarch Weather High 69° Low 31°

U. President McCormick Fired By Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief

The Universities Views on President McCormick’s DUI and Firing

In an unfortunate event, the entire Board of Governors, voted in favor of firing University President Richard L. McCormick yesterday after his DUI arrest and due to his refusal to step down. Gene O’Hara, the Chairman of the BOG stated “In light of certain circumstances, we as a board felt it would serve the University better if McCormick would step down. He refused, so therefore we had no choice but take this course of action.”

Graph by: Max Cable

down in early 2002. There are mixed reactions at the University due to the circumstances in which exPresident McCormick was arrested late Monday March 29th, 2004 as well as choosing The University has currently an ex-President who was named Fran Lawrence Interim ineffective in serving the President since he served the university and community. University before he stepped

McCormick was pulled over at 3:11 am when his car was swerving between lanes on River Road in Piscataway heading back towards the University. Four females were present in his car that held open containers of alcohol; as well two of them were without shirts. See ‘Fired’ on Page 3

NAACP finds NAACP Racist AP Wire By Max Cable In a shocking event the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was found to be racist today by the NAACP. It may sound quite confusing, but the group has been determined to be racist by themselves. Last November the NAACP accused The Medium of being an institution that was a breeding

ground for hate. When reached for comment, NAACP President refused to speak to us. However, we did over hear him saying repeatedly “What the fuck, what the fuck....” The NAACP chapter at Rutgers University is expected to hold a meeting on the steps of Brower Dining Hall to address the claims of self-racism See ‘NAACP’ on Page 4

Inside today’s Medium University...................................3 Metro.........................................5 Opinions.....................................6 Diversions..................................8 Classifieds................................10

Dance Marathon Broken Up, Organizers to Be Charged on “Crack House Laws” raided the College Ave Gym. dangerous substances, University BS Wire

New Brunswick- The popular dance marathon held by the Office of Fraternity And Sorority Affairs was broken up this weekend, when police

Assistant Director of Rutgers Police, Thomas Giordano, said that undercover narcotics officers at the dance marathon found that many students were selling and buying controlled

specifically, MDMA, also known as “Ecstasy”, LSD, Ketamine, known by it’s street name as “Special K”, GHB, and marijuana. See ‘Crack House’ on Page 3

Page 2 The Daily Medium

March 31, 2004

Weather Outlook -

Attention Patrons of Brower Dining Hall

Check or look outside dumb-ass!

Have you experienced severe bleedy bowel movements and vomited due to exposure to dining hall food? RU tired of running to the bathroom half an hour after eating dinner? If so please call Stanley, Diller and Doone, Attorneys-at-Law Please Call: (732)-373-7085

THE DAILY MEDIUM Serving the community since 1969 Kickin’ ass and taking names since 1984 Display and classified adverThe Daily Medium is a tising may be placed by student-written and studentsending an e-mail to managed, nonprofit incorporated newspaper published by We print what we can use, The Medium Publishing from Eden accounts only. Company, circulation 6,000. The Daily Medium (SAC BOX 78) is published every Wednesday in New Brunswick, NJ, during the fall and spring semesters. No part thereof may be reproduced in any form; this means the text from the paper, without the consent of the Managing Editor.

Subscriptions: Yeah, we know you don’t really want one but it’s $10/semester. Hey, get your $8.25 back and give it to us! Postmaster: Please continue to deliver our mail so we can get our free subscriptions to Maxim, Stuff, FHM and Blender.


The Livingston commuter program is holding it’s Video Game Night today from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. in the Livingston Student Center. Coca-Cola is holding the killing of Colombian Laborer Luis Adolfo at the Labor “Education” Center Today, there will be an Identity Theft Presentation at the Busch Campus Center, try not to get your identity stolen, or your voice changed.

Tonight from 6 p.m. until 8 p.m. there will be Dining Etiquette in the Rutgers Student Center sponsored by Career Services From 6 p.m to 9 p.m. there will be a “Meet the Candidates” for the RCGA elections going on at the Rutgers Student Center. Tonight, starting at 8 p.m. meet Jhumpa Lahiri at the Rutgers Student Center multipurpose room.

The Daily Medium promptly corrects all errors if we want to. If you have a comment or question about the fairness or accuracy of a story, remember we are not the Targum, we’re not biased, we’re fuckin’ hilarious. If you’ve got a problem, don’t read the paper.

niversity U

(732) 373-7085 x 311


March 31, 2004

Prostituion Claims to Lead to Inquiry By Dan Migliore Staff God

Despite being a philanthropic event, the recent Pi Kappa Alpha “Pike” brother auction has put some of the brothers, as well as the fraternity, in hot water. According to sources within the Middlesex County Prosecutor ’s Office, the fraternity will be brought up on charges of prostitution following an investigation into their actions. It has surfaced that the brothers allegedly had sex with the women who paid to “own” them for the night. An unidentified Pike brother had this to say. “Well, I mean, what did everyone expect? I mean, we

Fired From Page 1

When Officer Joseph Stanmen approached McCormick and he offered the policeman some cocaine he had in a large Ziploc baggie filled with a white powder that was later determined to be cocaine. The University is also in an uproar since one the females in the car were identified as former staff assignment editor. She was relived of her position on the paper yesterday morning, the morning after the incidence with Richard McCormick. McCormick released a statement last night, which he will be reading noon today at the lawn of Old Queens. In his statement he apologizes for his actions and admits his addiction to several drugs. He also stated plans to enter an outpatient program.

would have had sex with those women for free, but you know, it’s for charity.” The University and Middlesex County Prosecutor’s Office have made it very clear that this is prostitution, and it will not be tolerated. Should the inquiry find that the brothers engaged in acts of prostitution, the fraternity could lose its charter, and the brothers found guilty will face disciplinary actions from Ned Berke/Poopypants the school. Any student with information regarding this matter is encouraged to contact the One of the disgraced Pike brothers Middlesex County Prosecutors being led away from the frat house. Seven brothers were arrested in all, Office or Rutgers Police. ○

Send comments to Dan Migliore at:

and an additional fourteen women were arraigned on charges of Accepting Ugly Goods.

I farted yesterday!

Vote No!

Richard L. McCormick served the University from December 2002 until March 2004. This is the second job McCormick has lost due to his personal tribulations. Since President McCormick is being fired he loses what money was promised to him back when he signed a contact in 2002. As a professional courtesy McCormick will receive the remainder of his 2004 salary and will keep his car and driver until the end of June when he must leave his residence or when he finds a new job, whichever occurs first. The Board of Governors has restarted the President Search Ned Berke/Poopypants process in hopes of having a Richard McCormick, player for new President by the beginning the less-than-popular Seattle of the fall semester. Seadogs soccer team has been asked to resign as President of Rutgers University. McCormick said, “I think you’re thinking of another Richard McCormick” when questioned.

Hey kids! Don’t forget! We’ve got our referendum coming up! You know what to do!

Send comments to Mike Stanley at:

Crack House From Page 1

Giordano said he was not surprised to find these drugs at the dance marathon, as these "rave" drugs are often found at all night dance parties ("raves"), and the dancers at the 32 hour marathon would use these drugs to keep dancing all night and day. Over $100,000 worth of drugs was confiscated, and several members of the TKE fraternity were arrested. Their names have not been disclosed. Rutgers Police officials said they

Students Participate in Spelling Bee: No One Cares By Raoul Dan

Chinese food is salty!

became "suspicious" when they noticed many "ravers" and "hippies" entering the dance marathon, and dispatched undercover Community Service Officers to attempt to purchase these club drugs. Due to recent "Crack House" Laws, promoters of events in which drugs are sold can be held accountable for the drugs sold within their event. A statement from the Middlesex County Prosecutor's Office made it clear that they would be pressing charges.

I entered the room this past Thursday, looking for the press section. There was no such thing in this two-bit tourney. I mean, it’s not like this was a poker championship. This was a spelling bee. The two-person teams were gathered around their respective tables, all ready to start, well, spelling. And spell they did. Cook College senior Georgie Fear and Cook College junior Stefanie Schmitz of the Red-Headed Stepchildren dominated the competition, winning all three rounds with relative ease. But not everybody was able to spell

like a champ. Some in fact, spelled more like chimps. Two members of the Rutgers Scarlet Knights football team, playing on team Dato-Ced, came in dead last, showing the RU football players suck at basically everything. Had they spelt 3 more words correctly, pushing their score up to 3, they would have tied with Team Hope, a team combining an autistic child with a young man with Down syndrome. All in all, a fun time was had by all, and we all learned some spelling, and that Rutgers Football players aren’t smart enough to be retarded.

March 31, 2004


The Daily Medium Page 4

SCRU PRESENTS WES ANDERSON’S BOTTLE ROCKET Friday April 2nd 8:30 P.M. Scott Hall Room 135

Join Us For The SCRU Student Showcase Friday April 23rd and Friday April 30th at 8:00 P.M. in Van Dyck 211 For More Information on The Screenwriter’s Community of Rutgers University Contact Us At:

etro-sexual M

Page 5 March 31, 2004


Voting occurs across the city: Fate of exotic dancers hangs within the cleavage of fate

How Route 18 construction will affect your sex life By Rebecca Sica (Associated Press) Wondering how continued Route 18 construction will affect you? The Daily Medium answers your questions regarding quick sex , parties, and travel. For the next two years, your sex life will be delayed due to Rt. 18 construction. Metlars Road will be horribly congested, creating delays of up to 45 minutes for those wishing to hook up. As a result, Rutgers expects STI rates to go down. To maintain Rutgers’ nation STI ranking, Rutgers has created the DD bus for girls and guys wanting sex. The Double D is expected to be host to hundreds of students throughout the course of an evening expediting the travel time between campuses. The bus will run much like the current drunk bus except that it will make additional stops on frat row. Rutgers hopes to maintain the college atmosphere that

By Melikie Mineclean

Ned Berke/Poopypants The area in black is where the traffic will be “more fucked up than usual.”

students have come to expect in this way. No worries though, when construction is done, campusto-campus quickies will be expedited. Got a fuck buddy? No longer will you have to wait 20 minutes in bus traffic, but the new road for buses will decrease that time to 15 minutes from College Ave. to Livingston. This saves the average student 10 minutes for foreplay, studying, or maybe some post-sex flapjacks. ○

(732) 373-7085 x 069

Send comments to Rebecca Sica at:

Students, local residents, stray dogs and vagabonds all voted some time ago upon the three proposals that would decide the fate of strippers in all of New Brunswick and the surrounding areas. The three voting issues in question are; whether it is okay to invite senior citizens to dance with strippers on the runway, can strippers launch items larger than ping pong balls from their vaginas and perhaps the largest and most controversial issue to be brought forth, whether it shall be legal for a stripper to cry when giving a lapdance to a patron. While the votes were cast some time ago, the final tally will officially be given on April 2nd, when world renowned exotic dancer and polka dancer, LimLappy-Long-Time will be passing through the New Brunswick area on her world tour promot-

ing her book, Greased Poll: The Struggle of My Life, which will be due in major book stores sometime in the year 2024. “Lim is, like, totally my hero,” says local dancer, Candy Snatch, “She’s, like, a total inspiration to everyone I know. She’s a symbol of what humans can achieve if they just put their pelvis to it.” While enjoying myself in a local exotic dance club’s janitorial closet, I decided to ask a few of the dancers what they felt concerning the vote. My first interviewee was a dancer called Chesty LaRue, a local favorite of the club. “ I really don’t have a problem with old geezers on the floor. I like to dominate. Oh, wait, did you mean the runway? Oh, I get it now. Um, well as long as they don’t die on stage, I guess I don’t have a problem.” The next dancer interviewed was Holly Goodlaysexycandypingjob, a relatively newcomer to the dance circuit. “I think it’s very important to bring up the idea of ‘larger-than-ping

‘Sometimes it burns when I pee.’ Mike Stanley Rutgers College Junior

pong balls’ issue. My grandmother died on stage last year when she launched a 30 pound glazed ham straight in the air and it came back and landed on her windpipe. It was horrible.” For the final question of the evening, a local patron, Mike Stanley, was more than happy to give his opinion. “Well, if you ask me, the lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying. I must say, it’s quite a thrill when she grinds me against her will. Personally, if some girl ever started whining to me while she was riding my leg, I’d just smack her and say, ‘Hey! You get that mid-section of yours gyrating, dammit!’ ” Penis tastes like coconut!

Bush Says Economy Better Than 4 Years Ago Cites Black People Wearing Belts As Proof The Associated Mike Litoris WASHINGTON, DC – The Bush administration declared that the economy is doing better than it was before he took office in 2001 during a press conference yesterday. During the conference, which took place on the White House lawn during the afternoon, Bush discussed the economic strategies his administration had been using to boost the economy, and cited the observation that peoples of African-American descent are wearing belts as proof of economic gain, as opposed to the situation under Clinton in the mid- and late90’s when many black people walked without belts. “You see, the economy is important,” said Bush. “And I believe that to have a good economy we must cut taxes for rich people. It just makes sense – take a look, it’s in a book, the reading rainbow. Our economy is doing good. It’s tough – it’s more than that, it’s Tonka Tough. With tax cuts for rich people, I don’t know how, but Dicky says the economy will do more gooder. Just like that. SNAP! CRACKLE! and POP! say do your homework!” White House spokesperson Scott McClellan balled up a piece of tinfoil and through it past President Bush, causing the president to chase after it. Mr. McClellan then

took the podium, continuing the press conference. “As the right-honorable President Bush was saying, the economy is doing much better than it was before his administration took office. It is evident by the amount of black people in the United States who are now wearing belts. You just didn’t have that under the Clinton administration. Black people were walking around, their pants around their knees and their cotton boxers exposed to the world like it was some kind of style. That was the kind of economy Clinton promoted. Now blacks are wearing belts, and clearly that’s because they have the money to afford them. Under the new Bush economy, we expect every American to be wearing belts by 2007.” Some Democrats challenged the proof offered by the White House. Senate minority leader Tom Daschle said of the announcement, “This is just more G.O.P. propaganda and the American people aren’t going to stand for it. George Bush is a liar, and if he says that black people are wearing belts, then they’re not. And if they are then it’s only because of left-over long-term effects from the Clinton administration. I can’t back any of this up, so, um, vote Kerry!”


Page 6 March 31, 2004

EDITORIALS A very special edition of laurels and darts By Michael Stanley

Big plans for a small paper; The rumor on the street is that the Medium has some big plans up their sleeves, however I don’t believe they’ll be able to accomplish anything due to their lack of adequate supplies and resources. I give The Medium a laurel for trying to be more then just a “scatological little rag”

(732) 373-7085 x AIJA

Quote of the Day “Big deal, I was caught with a few under-age girls,cocaine, and I reeked of alcohol. It’s not like it was the first time. I was fatigued” University President, Richard L. McCormick, after his arrest which lead to his untimely firing

As well it’s sad to say that President Richard “Tricky Dick” McCormick is no more, we’ve regressed back to Fran Lawrence as our President once again. Richard McCormick and the Board of Governors both receive darts for their thoughtless actions. Fraternities and Sororities all across campus took part in this weekend’s RU Dance Marathon. Both frats and whorehouses get darts because they only seem to care about doing well for only one weekend a year. RCPC receives a “what the fuck” for not making any of their plans for Rutgersfest 2004 public. C’mon guys, we don’t want to see some shitty Guster-esque band again. What the hell, you get a laurel with a tentative dart if you mess the festival up again this year.

Liberation or Degradation? By Aija McKenzie I’ll be the first to admit that I openly and feverishly encouraged any and all women to contribute to The Medium. I wanted people to believe me when I say that the Medium is not just a pornography paper, or a “dick and fart” publication. I want girls to have a voice on this male-dominated paper, so that it doesn’t look like frat-boy weekly, with suggestions like, “Why don’t we do something on the rapes on campus?” or, “Hey, why don’t we go to parties and take pictures of girls’ boobs?” Inside my head, Rocco from Boondock Saints is screaming, “FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!” I swear, I could stick used maxipads on every page of a composition book and it would be more interesting than some random skank’s average tits at a party. Boobs have their place, but there’s definitely more to life. I don’t know if it’s because some people on staff just don’t get enough sex, or don’t get any at all, but they can’t help but treat every girl like a giggling pair of tits, and I can’t help but drink straight on through the meeting. A picture is worth a thousand words. I put my energy into empowering the college woman on campus, and in turn we get a photo of a girl with a dildo between her tits. Is this what you ladies want to put out there? It’s possible that it’s a testament to liberation, the “it’s my body and I’ll do what I want,” thing. I might have appreciated it more if it weren’t so (and forgive me if I come off too Douglass for you) patriarchal. I’m all for the celebration of breasts, but when you shove a fake penis between them, it becomes something else. It’s cool if you want to show your tits, but don’t confuse that with you being cool only because you showed them. That is NOT how you fuck shit up.

Their Targum. Fuck Them.

or those of you who don’t know, from March 29th to April 9th the Daily Targum will be holding a referendum vote. They are obliged to do this every three years, ever since becoming independent of the school in the Fall of 1979. It is to decide whether or not they will continue to collect $8.25 from every student - a charge you’ll notice on your term bill. It is a simple yes/no ballot - “Yes” if you want to continue to be charged and “No” if you do not. Additionally, they need 25% of the student body to vote plus one student to vote “Yes” in order to pass the referendum. Vote yes, and you can kiss almost $10.00 a semester down the drain. Founded 1969 / Incorporated 1999 Predictably, I’m writing to tell you why HE AILY EDIUM you should vote no. For almost a year now, I have been running this column often examining Serving the Rutgers Community Since 1969 Targum articles and exposing their bullshit. It’s EDITOR IN CHIEF, Michael Stanley MANAGING EDITOR, Ned Berke great. Read it sometime. Now, with the Targum NEWS EDITOR, Jim Cortina SPORTS EDITOR, Lawrence Cheng referendum beginning, the bullshit-o-meter is in OPINIONS EDITOR, Aija McKenzie INSIDE BEAT EDITOR, Benjamin Dover the red, the glass cracked and hot steam shooting PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR,Jared Fogel DESIGN EDITOR, Sweet Caroline in every direction. COPY EDITOR, Max Cable People often ask me, “Do you really hate METRO EDITOR, Jonas Werestein the Targum?” No, I don’t. I think every school ASSIGNMENT EDITOR, Nedwardo Berkezales needs a daily paper, and the Targum is, dare I say it, a good college newspaper. I know, I DIVERSIONS EDITOR, Dan Migliore CO-CLASSIFIEDS EDITOR, Ryan Beckman know: “Who are you and what have you done CO-CLASSIFIEDS EDITOR, Brian Brzezinski with the hateful, paranoid Ned we’ve all come STAFF ARTIST, Fred Panacke to love?” Well, let me finish. When compared to newspapers at the average college, the Targum BUSINESS MANAGER, Dan Migliore is in the upper echelon. But considering its ADVERTISEMENT MANAGER, Michael Stanley




PRODUCTION DIRECTOR, David Fincher CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR, Corona Beer Ltd. NIGHT PRODUCTION MANAGER, Red Bull Energy Drink OFFICE MANAGER, BBC Network Thank you to everyone else who helped us with this very special edition of The Daily Medium, we would have been able to do this without everyone!

tremendous financial resources and the access it gets to sources and figures within the University and New Brunswick, it can do a whole lot more than simply print inane articles and University press releases. It’s a paper with a lot of potential to change all the terrible corruption in this school and advocate the student’s needs. But it has failed… miserably. The Daily Targum, according to its own financial statement makes just over $1M. They have an estimated 90 student employees, a suite in the student center, 50 telephone lines and several non-student, professional employees the highest paid of these receives $55,000 a year. They have the respect from and access to countless University and New Brunswick officials. And yet, despite this they can’t escape their mindless, vapid articles to print something useful. It shouldn’t be a surprising revelation to any of you that this city and this University are fucked. Millions of dollars are used inefficiently and too often ineffectively and no one asks why. No one says, “This shouldn’t happen.” Crime is seemingly out of control; the city’s lower-class citizens are finding their homes and storefronts demolished for big construction interests. No asks why. No one says, “This shouldn’t happen.” Students can’t get the classes they need to graduate; the rate of students that take more than four years to graduate is rising. No asks why. No one says, “This shouldn’t happen.” In an advertisement for the referendum,

The Daily Medium welcomes letters to the editors and commentaries from the intelligent reader Due to space limitations, submissions cannot exceed 750 words, If a commentary exceeds 750 words, it will be made fun of due to the fact you don’t know how to use word count in MS word. All authors must include a name, phone number, class year, college affiliation or department, ATM PIN number, and body dimensions to be considered for sexual relations. Anonymous letters will not be considered, but will be used to wipe our asses. All submissions are subject to editing for length, clarity and our biases. A submission does not guarantee publication, but it does provide us with

something to read while on the shitter. Please submit via electronic means, that means e-mail dumbass. Address: (even though we said to e-mail it) The Daily Medium, SAC Box 78 New Brunswick, NJ, 08901. Telephone number on each page, asshole. E-mail:

March 31, 2004 Continued from page 6

printed in the Targum last week, the Targum delivered a horrible insult to democracy and students’ intelligence. The ad, headed in big bold letters, “WHY VOTE ‘YES’ IN THE REFERENDUM?” stated that simply having a free, independent newspaper represents freedom. “We live in a Democracy. And that means we are free. Free to talk, free to argue, free to associate ourselves as we see fit, and free to be critical … For the last 24 years Rutgers has had an independent newspaper that represents that freedom. The Targum has been the voice on campus that unifies the student voice about parking and parking tickets, bus service, crime, dining hall food, and over crowded classrooms and residence halls … Progressive change and better services are brought about by having an independent newspaper on campus.” Perhaps if by “freedom” they mean being the administration’s bitch, and by “unifies the student voice” they mean giving us shitty comics to share hatred of, then it’s all true. A free an independent newspaper is only useful if you have free and independent thinkers working for it, not cowardly sheep afraid (or too uncaring) to challenge corrupted authority. The Targum has consistently failed us. They have never brought progressive change and better services to the University. More often, they sacrifice the adversarial stance that journalists, and indeed all freethinkers, are supposed to have towards authority. History has showed us that they have instead opted to print the word of the administration over the concerns of the community. They seldom “think critically” as their ad asserts. Take for instance, the profile of Philip Furmanski, executive vicepresident of Academic Affairs, proven opponent of the students’ right to protest, and would be facist (read my 9/10/

The Daily Medium Page 7

Opinions 03 issue on our web archives for details), or perhaps the incident about McCormick’s drunk driving, where the Targum passed up a chance for a hard-hitting article on police malfeasance (9/24/03 column). To take a trip further back in the Targum’s archives you’ll find articles in support and defense of former President Lawrence, who once suggested that black people do worse in school because of genetics. The only article I have ever seen that was remotely doing something progressive was their (insufficient) coverage of the Parking and Transportation problem a few months ago. That article only happened because Medium News editor Jim Cortina called them up and made it happen. Why are they like this? I’d say it’s because most of the Targum staff is comprised of opportunists. They’re there to build up a resume and climb power ladders into journalism. They don’t seem to know that the essence of journalism is its watchdog role. They don’t seem to know that the heart of journalism is in caring about what they’re covering and to work for their constituents, the students - not the interests of the administration. And this is why we need to vote “No.” I have no delusions that the Targum will actually lose its funding. In fact, I believe that if they lost all of their funding it would be a terrible thing. Instead I believe it’s more important to let them see the “No” votes. They need to understand that people aren’t satisfied and that we demand something more. It’s a challenge directed at them to do something better. The Targum’s tag line for the referendum campaigning is “Your Targum. Your Vote.” But they’ve failed us and showed us over and over again that it is not our Targum. So I propose this: “Their Targum. Fuck Them.” Vote “No”.

Please send your Opinions and Editorials to Join the staff of the Daily Medium at our weekly meeting, Wednesdays at 9:15pm, LSC Room 111

Amending Racial Issues And Other Such Mistakes Recently, my attention was brought to a major problem with public education, the inappropriate use of racial slurs among

youth. Students throw around the words “gook, Jew, kike, chink, etc.” without the slightest bit of reservation towards those who might be offended. In the Medium a couple of weeks ago, The Patriot wrote “gooks are the worst people, the most racist people on earth” while referring to Koreans. However, in the last few decades, the word “gook” has become highly ambiguous in its usage. The word now has been used to include the Vietnamese and the Chinese as well. I suppose one could argue that the intent is conveyed, but it is still an egregious use of racial slurs. I mean, if I continually called my friend Bryan by the name Sean, he’s going to be offended. Likewise, continuing to call someone by the wrong slur is pure ignorance. As a society, we are failing our children if they aren’t learning the proper terminology to be used in specific instances. We’refailing to pass traditional values down to our children if they don’t know the

traditional meaning of gook. They’re certainly not learning these alternate definitions to gook at home, so they must be learning them in our schools. Public education is failing to teach children to match the appropriate racial slur with the appropriate race. How can we teach our kids definitions and moral values if they learn that gook can refer to Koreans, the Vietnamese, and the Chinese. How confusing will that be to future generations? The definition of “gook” needs to be defined strictly as a derogatory term against Koreans. Therefore, I propose the Defense of the Gook Slur (DOGS). DOGS does two things. First, it provides that no state shall be required to give effect to a law of any other state with respect to the term “gook.” Second, it defines the words “gook” and “Korean” for purposes of Federal law. At the Racial Slur Database (, their motto is “helping make the world a better place.” Indeed they’ve defined many many racial slurs, but I feel that they’ve allowed too much room in their definitions though. As such, it is no longer an issue for just the state,

but a federal issue that requires the proper laws to quash any sort of misunderstanding. This leads to the main point of my article. We need to amend the Constitution so there will be no confusion in the use of any racial slur. No longer will non-Jews be called kikes, Italians be called spics, or Indians be called Pakis by mistake. We can teach our kids the difference between right and wrong racial slurs with a Federal Amendment where racial terms as “tunnel digger” and “nigger” will be exclusively used on the appropriate race. It’s deeply troubling that it has come to this, but FRSA goes as follows: Federal Racial Slur Amendment (H.J.Res. 69) Racial Slurs in the United States shall consist only of the union of one race and one slur. Neither this constitution or the constitution of any state, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that racial slurs or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon inappropriate persons or groups. Support the institution of racism and let your Congressman know that you support the definition of gook to only refer to Koreans.

Dance Marathon: No Cancer Allowed This past weekend I participated in the Dance Marathon, which was held here at Rutgers University, which overall I have to say is an exciting event. If you aren’t familiar with the Dance Marathon, it is the largest student-run philanthropy project in New Jersey in which students raised in total over $191,172 to buy video games. So, once you’ve begged all of

your friends, their parents, and stood on street corners like a prostitute to raise money, you get to not sit down for 32 hours! I can’t believe this thing sounded like a good idea at some point. “24 hours in a day, 32 hours for a life” my ass. This money doesn’t even go toward helping treat these damn kids with cancer, it buys these kids fucking video games and random shit. One of the

dancers tried to clear things up for me by stating “Hell, we know they’re gonna die, they have CANCER. That’s some bad shit, just look, we even put up a sign that says No Cancer Allowed. We have given up telling them there’s hope, we just tell them to enjoy the last few months they have to live with the latest version of Madden”. A few of the cancer kids snuck into the event to take a break from dying in a lonely hospital room to come see what they can never look forward to when they grow up. I met one kid who at least realized he’s not going to live long enough to go bald like his idol “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, but I assured him, that after next week’s chemo, he’ll have no problem there. This dude was pretty cool, with his “not gonna live long enough to face the consequences of my actions” attitude. So cool that I took him out for a cigarette cause his parents never let him try smoking. Later one of his

friends pointed out to me a girl who was ‘dancing’ by riding around in a wheel chair laughing at everyone saying “Look at me, look at me”. At first I was like, some may call her a cheater, but she’s probably broken or got FBA or something. Then after like 2 hours, I saw her carrying a tube of Preparation-H and even I had to call her a cheater. I mean, c’mon. Anyway, this dance thing went 32 hours, which wasn’t too bad cause they give you markers to sniff and stuff. So yeah, I think I’m gonna go by the hospital, play with kids and make cancer jokes and explain the glamorous life of a necro-pedophile.

Advertise in The Medium


Page 8 March 31, 2004

(732) 373-7085 x 1001

Chemical Corporation Baby Funnies

Horoscopes / Crocke O’ Sheete


Today’s Birthday (March 31). Beware friends with leprosy. While they may be willing to help you out of a financial/love-related jam, their pleasantries are simply a Trojan Horse in sheep’s clothing. Whatever you do, do NOT allow these friends to touch you. To understand what the hell all this means, check today’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 means you should just walk into the middle of oncoming turnpike traffic. Aries (March 21-April 19) — Today is a 6— Why a six, you ask? Simple; because it is the most ambiguous way of explaining to the idiots that read this crap that we simply have no idea what will happen to you today. Like this: Know that friend of yours? The guy with the thing? Yea, don’t do that thing he wants you to do, because if you do, bad things may or may not happen. Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Today is a 4—Bad shit abounds like nobody’s business today. If you thought last week was rough, wait till you go outside today! I’m laughing just thinking about all the horrible stuff that is in store for you! But, if you want to wuss out and stay home, fine, be like that. The gas leak will get you…or IS there a gas leak? Gemini (May 21-June21) — Today is a 7— Sounds so average and boring…just like you! You are an exceptionally dull person, rating 2 levels above a dead garden slug for levels of excitement. But, considering 7 is “above average” on this scale, you should consider yourself lucky. Way to go, kinda average person, way to go. Cancer(June 22-July 22) — Today is a 5— Love is just around the corner for you…in the form of an obese, hairy hermaphrodite who has a thing for whips and handcuffs. Remember that feeling you had last Christmas when your aunt slipped you an eggnog that was mixed with Ex-lax? Yea, just like that…but in reverse, if you know what I mean. Leo (July 23- August 22) —Today is a 10— Leos: God’s gift to the world. If you are blessed enough to be a Leo, flaunt this fact. Everyone else is well beneath you, quivering at your presence, as they should. If you were to hold up a bank today, everyone would roll over for you as you rob them blind…and you would get the attractive member of the opposite sex while you’re at it. Hot DAMN, you’re sexy. Shake it like a Polaroid. Virgo (August 23-September 22) — Today is an 8 — Well, before you head out, thinking that you’re hot soup, let me kindly remind you that no matter how high and mighty you think you are, Leo’s are always better. Aside from that, something about your dying…or maybe about winning the lottery is in your future…arg, sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention. But, I’m sure you will be okay. Libra (September 23-October 22) — Today is a 6— You know that special talent that you have?

The one that may either include your ability to speak a second language or do something with 20 ping-pong balls? The job market is in dire need of your talents. Get our there and show them your skills! Possibly at a bachelor party. Scorpio (October 23- November 21) — Today is a 7— An argument could turn into a valuable learning experience…or a perfect chance to murder someone you have recently been arguing with. Always be open to new and different ideas. Like sticking a loved-one’s corpse down the garbage disposal in the sink. Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) — Today is a 5 — You will die a horrible...wait-aminute, what the hell is a Sagittarius anyway? Was that the goat/fish or the horse with two asses? Gah, stupid Greek myth…is it even Greek? Oh, right, sorry, yea, your death today will be horrible at the hands of a Panda…no, wait, sorry, just kidding. Or am I?.Capricorn (December 22- January 19) —Today is a 7— Like all these other pieces of crap, that skill you have will come into play when that person you like will drop by with that thing and then you two will argue, but you will learn something, and then go on a journey to that dream place you always wanted to, blah blah blah. In all seriousness, my prediction on this day is that you will start to GET A LIFE and stop reading this crap. Read a book, you wanker.Aquarius (January 20- February 18) — Today is a 1 — You will come into conflict when…whoa, WHOA, hold on. Let me re-roll my ten-sided, Dungeons and Dragons dice here…okay, there we go. Today is a 6. Your band of friends will find adventure in a cave with dragons and goblins. Just make sure you bring plenty of health potions, and that your Charisma and Agility skill checks can be made. And make sure to switch off the black light when you leave your mom’s basement. Nerd. Pisces (February 19- March 20)— Today is a 7—You will find true happiness with one of your closest friends…that ISN’T a homosexual, relax. Make sure your heart and pants are open to receive this new found love. Afterwards, reassure that special someone that it was great without openly admitting that you were thinking of another person while you were making love. Promise to call after they leave…suckers.

By: Dan Migliore

AweTerm AweTerm

HOW TO PLAY: All the words listed below appear in the puzzlehorizontally, vertically, diagonally, even backward. Find them and CIRCLE THEIR LETTERS ONLY. DO NOT CIRCLE THE WORD. The leftover letters spell the Wonderword. Solution: 10 letters RUTGERS UNIVERSITY THINGS

















Dilhole I’m sure you’ve all noticed the cameras here.

ROCK STRONGO Our office has been chosen to host a popular reality show. We’re all going to be famous!

The Apprentice sucks without Trump Now, where are my pants

Poonsbury I need that sweet ass

RAOUL DAN But I’m only 17. and you’re my boss

And being a good Catholic, I just can’t

I hope this doesn’t effect anything

Across 5. Jay and ____ 7. Mafia bigwig Tony 9. Related to horses and Rhinos, but not elephants 10. ____ Blue Devils 13. Not a broad generalization, but a generalization about ____ 15. Rutgers _____ 16. Running back Walter 19. The Best paper at Rutgers 20. Worst Campus “Newspaper” 21. Donates 22. Rutgerfest main act in 2002 23. Retorts To Retards columnist 24. Coolest dog since Snoopy 27. ODB will ____ your ass up 29. Actress Teri 30. Sean Combs newest name 33. “Guts” writer Chuck 35. Most influencial band of 90s 36. The type of wildebeast that’s fit to print 38. I love Martin’s _____ 39. Fat sandwich HQ 40. M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie Down 1. Senator Blutarsky nickname 2. Pres. McCormick wasn’t drunk, but ______ 3. Sniff some or drink some 4. “We were somewhere around ___ at the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.” 6. Writer Hunter 8. Mexicali _____ 11. New-age Beastie Boy 12. Pillowbiter 13. War criminal 14. Medium EiC and type of tools 17. Comedians Chapelle and Attell 18. Born Feb. 20, 1967, Died April 5, 1994 21. Comedian Eddie, or family guy Peter 22. Cure song covered by 311 23. Does the same thing he does every night: tries take over the world 25. No talent ass-clown 26. Actor Johnny 28. What you always want, but never get 29. Brower Power ______ 31. “You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a ___” 32. Popular Mexican import 34. Homer Simpson middle name, or a marijuana cigarette 37. Slang in song “Get Low” for ejaculate

March 31, 2004

Gaseous Infants


Non Sequential I’m not in the mood.


The Daily Medium Page 9


Famliy Suckass



You just don’t turn me on. Why am I always the one to initiate sex?

Don’t give me that look

I’ll eat you out...

But I wanted big fat donkey dick!!!

“Bitch, if you keep eating pussy like that, I won’t be thinking about his cock any more.”


Number Two



Ok, parents, you can uncover your children’s eyes, that scene of Janet Jackson superimposed over scenes from “The Passion” are over. Up next, we have a feature about conveniently placed stories in the news... But first, there’s a bomb behind your TV!

Fertilized Egg


Hey, ever notice how no one dies in this strip? EEEEEEEEE! Let’s test that.

Whaddya know? I’m still alive! How unfortunate.


Sex and the Campus by Rate Cockland I was at the gym working out as I usually do on Tuesdays. I stopped my routine to fix my headset. I looked up, and behold, I saw a God! His body was wet and glistening, dripping with sweat. Each individual muscle protruded from underneath his sun-tanned skin as he slowly flexed them. I began to daydream about all the things I wanted to do to him. I wanted to walk over to the other side of the gym and in front of everyone rip off his pants and suck him into rapture. After we accomplished this, I’d hoped we would fuck like animals on top of the bench press. My heart was pounding. I was so wet and excited that I began to rub myself all over and push my pelvis up against the corner of the butt blaster seat to tickle my clit. I got chills all up my spine, so I began to moan slightly. I screamed out loud meaning to

whisper. My outburst drew much attention and much to my chagrin, the god turned his head and looked at me. “Shit!” my fantasy was over… a complete disappointment! He was a fucking Asian! It was a Filipino tan. I should have known better, he was so damn short to begin with. If the rumors are true about Asian cock being small, he could never satisfy my aching vagina the way it needed to be. He began to walk over toward me slowly and I rolled my eyes. I decided to take a chance and find out the truth in the rumors for myself. I grabbed him by the arm and took him outside to the parking lot. We got in my truck, tore off our clothes and started to fuck. He was on top of me, thrusting… “Wait! You’ve got to put it in before you start humping,” I said. “I am in, what do you mean?” He replied. I quickly pushed him off of me to take a peak at his package and all I could say was the rumors are true. His fucking nutsack was bigger than his erect penis. I got sick to my stomach and puked all over his teenie weenie peenie.

whaaa whaa, I’m a girl threesome?



KKNAS When Mrs. Jones saw the fish Mr. Jones caught for her, she exclaimed “- - -






The dumb bitch thought she’d “DROPPED” her skittles.

lassifieds C

Fax: (732) 932-8787


Page 12 March 31, 2004

How to Place an Ad: 1. Go to a computer that has access to the internet. 2. Open an email client or direct a web browser to 3. Email your ad to 4. Fuck it. Unlike some other campus newspapers, we don’t charge you to place an ad in your paper. It’s bad enough you have to pay hidden fees on your term bill.








Conent: pesronals must not be too specific (no full name, room numbers, student numbers, etc)

Email: personals must be emailed from a valid rutgers email account (ie eden) and sent to Deadline: Noon Sunday before the issue to be printed

Boobs: The Daily Medium (732) 373-7085 dear rutgers. please stop serving coke. im gonna get a mt dew machine for my room and let people use it and then i’ll have friends. happy 22nd birthday danielle, from a friend for many years penis + anus = dangerous To my crappy ass girlfriend, I had sex withyour friend, she even let me put it in her ass unlike you, stupid bitch. (Shit SEANL@tmail com), next time you send stuff in you might wanna send from your eden account.) Dear Jews, I watched the Passion...i hate you all, i hope you have fun in hell...nazis are like angels come to life...i don't know, this is from my hitler loving friend, later much. To the girl that has sex with me in exchange for cupcakes: thank you! Because of you I save $50 each time that I want to get laid. (dude i want in, send me her name, ill bring her fat ass some food. i’d fuck about anything if it cost me a cupcake) to that fucking gorgeous guy at delta chi with the those sexy brown eyes...I want you to father my me out (ewww, the only thing babies are good for is eatin and microwavin. did you know babies explode in the microwave, its lots of fun, try it!!)

Phone: (732) 373-7085

pictures of boobs are always welcome and are reccomended if you want to get that not so nice personal in the section. remember, first one to send a million wins!!!! a big fuck you goes out to oh hey! it's me again, still Attention Readers: the kid who uses com- not done bashing those puter CAC201 after me. lovely Sigma Kappa Expect a special tribute to OptimusPrime and i just went to the bathroom bitches. This one is spe- the recent passing of the D.C. hub next week! and didn’t wash my hands. cial, because it goes to that need to vent, just say hello special monkey-faced In- Send us your photos taken on Monday the 29th or looking for someone to dian pledge. I'm sorry I from the Death of OptimusPrime! cuddle with you? send a didn't get the chance to random email to learn your name, it's just E-mail us your stories, opinions or whatever that I've had cancerous you want to share with us about Optimus! and see what happens, it lumps removed from my could be fun. third testicle that look some girl has been look- ter than you. I hope you ing at pictures of penese are struck blind in the can a special dc hub be To the coward from clothin the computer lab for al- middle of a freeway. created just for sharing ier talking shit in the memost an hour now. next Hopeful romantic male porn. if so, that would be dium about the clothier time she wants to see looking for witty alluring much appreciated. preceptors come to the tv cock, she should just ask female to share intellectual dear K. so guess what, lounge so you can tickle me. days and passionate nights over break i fucked your my balls. And you can Laughter isn't the cure for with. Roommateless on sister, and i hit it raw. stop hiding behind a everything. Jim had a colCook. Check online per- THANKS to the guy at newspaper coward. lapsed lung. We tried to sonals for contact info. Livingston who ate me (i believe that is sexual make him laugh, but it dear larry, i forgot to tell out when I was on my harrassment, and if so, didn't help. In fact, docyou that your computer period. You Ethiopians youre grade A weirdo in tors say it killed him. Sorry got the herpes. but you must really love spaghetti my book) Jim, we tried. :-/ probably knew that al- sauce. So now that DC is gone, Amanda Bynes is gonna ready. be 18 this Saturday. a thank you to the (period, yeah right. he I say we just type files in some birthday advice: peronals for putting boobs told me personally that binary and share them watch out bitch, im gonna in all the time. they fuckin it was really a dead fe- through the personals. get you when you least rule. im gonna try to sign tus. he ate it anyway (whats binary for i hate cause it was that or sally you. 10100111111001?) expect it. up the girl across the hall struthers’ pussy) dear nukkas, please don’t I <3 Rich Sloth for a photo shoot. single male seeks double- rape me. how about to that asshole [Bob (contact me to set up a jointed supermodel who ‘aquiring’ a radio instead Saget] that got DC shut photoshoot or if you kno owns a brewery and (how about you thank down. i hope you get the w people who might do grows her own pot. ac- him if you get the chance aids big time, from that be willing to model) cess to free concert tick- to be raped. probably th football player that raped eat babies ones with cancer ets a plus, as is having an e only ass your gonna that girl. im gonna kick to all of the assholes at the open minded twin sister. get you ugly bitch) your ass. computer lab. not a single To the SIG EP brother To the hot piece of ass in hello world, Wisconson one of you said bless you who, for some disturbed our class, you are the sucks. when i sneezed. i hate you reason, stole my vibrator fuckin sexiest thing alive, Thats right bitch, all and im gonna fart in : Don't bother giving it ARE YOU FUCKING LEGO PORN. exactly 3 mins so watch back. I'm sure you will get GAY OR WHAT?1?! I more pleasure out if it then want to fuck your out. I ever did as you and your metrosexual body until boyfriends take turns you quiver with pleasure. shoving it up one anothers You rock my world baby! asses. Maybe when your Either come out of the (oh man, gotta see if for ass is sore enough you'll closet or do me hard on yourself) grow up. the stove.

“It was so good I will never use another paper to advertise! The response to my slave joke was tremendous, I can’t wait until next year when I’ll probably think of another.” Satisfied Customer

The Medium is offensive. I am going to file a complaint to the Rutgers governing association. Your days are numbered (You know what, I’m right along with you, no, wait....Ihave to fuck your mother)

HOORAY for BOOBS To the fuckin black lesbian on my floor. I can hear you and your bitch having sex at night. Keep that shit down, no one wants to hear her orgasiming at 3AM while you eat out that nasty roast beef of a vagina. So shut the fuck up already. to the girl creaming over the CS111 hatboy, what kinda hate you talkin about? How are we supposed to know if we have a stalker if you do not describe us fully. -potential hatboy (i apologize to hatboy for getting this in so late. hope this gets through) send monkey torture method suggestions to to the girl in my tuesday and thursday 8th period criminial justice class stop hanging around with that indian kid and come fuck me already. you remind me of jennifer love hewitt and i just want to treat you right all night babe..

March 31, 2004



The Daily Medium Page 11



Hey Targum, WTF is up with charging me $8.25? You guys are thieves! I could put that cash to good use, like playing 8 games of Initial D, with enough change left over for a BJ from Carol. (AND anal from your mom) To that @hole:Learn how to shutup. Learn how to suck cocks. Learn how to be a bitch Noone cares what your excuse is. YOU are the one responsible. (Why did spring break turn everyone into angry monsters? Find out after we resuscitate a submitter I’ve cockslapped unconscious.) For Sale: One Angry Boat trying to choke his old motor. (If you tell them “Ned sent ya” they’ll include an ocean for the “angry boat”... ?) alan? more like smellan!!! (I bet this kid was touching himself as he sent the personal in) Oh God (That’s what the dolphin said... wait... no i mean... what SHE said... yeah) to the tool who got DC shut down: thanks for being an immature prick and ruining it for the rest of us. i'd tell you that next time you should think before you run your mouth, but that won't bring optimus back. why dont you buy a new fucking server. GO IRC! officer ramathorn (What the crap are you gonna nerd slap this person you speak of?) My mom was telling me that she saw a Jeep Liberty spin out over break and i nearly pissed myself. “Jeep Liberty lost control”




to the kid that lives down the hall. stop acting like a freakin seventh grader and realize that i wanna fuck u. how many more movies do we hafta watch before u actualli make a move?? grow balls and feel me up alreadi!!! (Why are you waiting yo... just grab the sippycup sucker and pump the kid for what he’s worth.) to the fag that wont stop talkin about his frat. ur brothers dont even like u!! u think ur soo cool cuz u drink with them every weekend but u dont even realize that they fuckin hate u. p.s. stop touching every girl on ur floor, u molestor! and stop bullshiting about how many girls u fucked cuz we all kno ur a virgin. (Sounds like the person who kills someone so they can go to jail and wait for guys to drop the soap) Captain Cuddle Fuzz is gonna fcuk you up... wait... no that’s for dumb btiches... ... be OO as CU and fuck what needs to be well fucked. (if you think that means anything... you’re not right... in fact... you’re wrong... like a puppy.) I never just did things just to do them, come on, what am I gonna do, all of a sudden, just jump up and grind my feet on Eddie's couch, like it's something to do. Come on, I had a little more sense than that.... Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch. (If you pretend ‘couch’ is ‘crotch’ this personal doesn’t suck) to ned i love looking into your lovely eyes and watching your head bob up and down as you nibble at my swelling cock.





more entertaining and enjoyable than being in your presence. you make jessica simpson look like a fucking genious. go back to the fucking house you came from. at least there they were assholes to your face, not behind your back. (This is why stupid bitches have problems... you just need to be honest with the people you despise and then you don’t have to deal with them... like me. Anyone who drinks apple juice can go to hell. That’s right... i hate you all... that’s Jon Apple’s cum soaked seedlings blood... or... something) eat a dongjohnson

Self Promotion... because it’s affordable. Do You Think The Medium Targum is the most AWESOME paper ever..? Would YOU like to be a part of it? ... Then send some fucking personals to The Medium for FREE. Submit your shit to Don’t be like you’re roommate. (S)He doesn’t send us stuff and (s)he doesn’t get laid... as much as you could.


So I was thinking the other day, Ronald McDonald is an awful lot like John Wayne Gacy aka. Pogo the Clown. They're both clowns, they entertain the kids, makes them believe in magic, and put on an awfully good front..except they're murderers. What happened to the Hamburglar, the Fry Guys, Birdie, and Grimace. I'll tell you what, they're buried under his house. Hamburglar? Ronald consorting with a thief...Ronald had him offed when he refused to pay up his share. Grimace had to have an "accident" when he saw what happened. The Fry Guys? Maybe they saw Ronald doing "something" with the kids backstage while filming the commercials. And poor Birdie, I guess she had to "disappear" like Amelia Earhart. Maybe we should find out what was really in the dark meat of Chicken McNuggets. So guys, dig under Ronald's house and find out his buried secrets. fuck you food, fuck you for tasting so good and for i have to poo making me so fat (you sound like my dad... (God bless fat... it lets us or my sister) tell the good people from to the hooch at work - the bad... just by lookstop being such a biznatch ing at them) to your assistant and learn Dear second worst news how to dress like some- paper ever (after the one your age...if you've targum), “get the penis out learned how to count that of your ass before you high yet send personals” sorry i hey, class. i dropped you wasn’t aware of that rule; like shit in a toilet. yeah, this time i’ve made sure you heard me motha the throbbing cock is fucka... you outta my ass. completely out of my split open asshole (but it’s feel it. (oh... i’m feeling it... going right back in when feeling it suck... boo ya) i’m done), thank you and good day sirs. yo pops if you're so f'n deaf try n get yoself so you wanna talk about hearing aids and not make texas? well, i wanna talk us all as deaf as yo about love! whiteass with blastin the tv (i want to talk about and shit texas and its need to (blasting shit... nice) stop sucking)

1st RULE: You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB. 2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB. 3rd RULE: If someone says “stop” or if you don’t know who i goes limp, taps out the am by now, you should fight is over. 4th RULE: ask. Only two guys to a fight. To the Decepticon, you’re 5th RULE: One fight at a a stupid little baby. Look time. 6th RULE: No what you have done to shirts, no shoes. 7th yourself. Never ever RULE: Fights will go on expect anyone to trust you as long as they have to. 8th RULE: If this is your again. (Transformers... more first night at FIGHT than meets the thigh...) CLUB, you HAVE to fight. Why is sex so great in a (Whoa, you are now firjeep liberty?? ing a gun at your imagi(It’s the home away from nary friend in front of home man... you can’t 400 gallons of nitroglyctell why... only know erine) why. To that poodle looking to the fucking braided bitch in my dorm. you slut. you should take think you have all the your fucking wannabe fucking control. get a puerto rican ass back to fucking life and get some the islands and get the ass you frustrated little fuck off of my floor. your bitch. i hope you get a constant babytalk, delupower kick in the ass. sional issues, and obnoxbark bitch. bark. iously large nose make me want to slit my throat. (So was she being mean not to mention your irri- when she called her a tating habits make me bitch... or just going want to rip my skin off along with the dog piece by piece. thats stuff?) To Mr. Humanitarian Intervention: Eat meat; suck my dick! (What if the meat he ate was your dick? What then?)


buy love

Please join our tea party




TO THE GIRL IN MY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY 8TH PERIOD CRIMINIAL JUSTICE CLASS STOP HANGING AROUND WITH THAT KID AND COME FUCK ME ALREADY. YOU REMIND ME OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT AND I JUST WANT TO TREAT YOU RIGHT ALL NIGHT BABE.. You’re so fucking fake it makes me sick. Even with all your gaudy accessories, designer clothing, and clever art, you’re still an unrefined piece of mediocre shit. (someone got turned down for the prom)

Bri.-you fucking dirty ass anorexic slut, i know your skank ass wore my robe. you are the skankiest, smelliest, most std infected piece of puss-filled pussy-licking ooze from a herpes sore that i have ever known. you wish your chilean ass was white middle class, which you'll never be cause you have no class whatsoever and you never will. i hope i go to hell just so i can watch you burn and get accosted by satan's pitchfork. but you'd probably like it. go back to chile you fucking spic. (man, if this girl gets so worked up over someone wearing her robe i bet she’d freak out if she knew her brother has probably jerked off all over her keyboard... yeah that’s right girly, and if not him... your dad has) to the happy rabbit... bake me a cake a sprinkle some seeds of love on it... and by seeds of love i mean your man milk. what has the world come to? a peach and a lion fighting to eat the last rabbit, covered in sprinkles i wanna go on a wing ding and singing about being a ding tonight. nothin like it chocolate bunny, about to just you try it once you try be eaten. it bet you’ll buy it to all the fuckers out there not hiring me - i hope you (so... does that mean wing ding is not the go bankrupt, and get herfont... or party, but a pes of the prostate gland prostitue... or a piece of (the man’s got me down too yo) pie?)

Inside: Rutgers: We lose again, and again, and again. See Page 23. ©2004 Medium Publishing Co.

ports S

Sports Desk: (732) 932-5070 x666 Wednesday, March 31, 2004


McCormick to Cut Rutgers’ Division I Sports Program By Steve Journalist

Additional plans are to turn football and basketball stadiums into additional parking, putting more funding into housing that doesn’t suck, political assassinations (i.e. Bob Sagat), and into extracurricular activities that actually matter. It’s unclear where the spending cuts from basketball, baseball, and other sports will go at the moment, but it is widely expected that the money will disappear into the massive black hole that is Rutgers’ budget. Students overall reacted positively to the new changes; Rutgers College junior Randy McNad said “By cutting sports, class size will finally decrease. I can finally talk to a real professor for help.” Professor Godfrey believes that more of his time will be wasted on future dropouts, but it will be worth it because “I no longer have to write snide comments on Mr. McNad’s papers. I can finally tell him he’s an untalented, noaccount loser with no future to his face.

Staff Evil Sports Editor

In a widely anticipated move in the wake of massive budget cuts, Rutgers President Richard McCormick has cut all Division I sports to put money back into liberal arts, research, and paying employees a living wage. In a speech yesterday, McCormick said, “For years, Rutgers’ losing sports teams have wasted large amounts of money for a losing cause while our academics and the vast majority of the Rutgers’ population have suffered. No longer will we put money into wasteful programs that do not produce results.” Rutgers University is expected to build more classrooms, put more money into Livingston Campus, hire more professors, pay TA’s a living wage, revitalize the Arts, and provide better insurance coverage for its employees with just the cuts from the football program.

Rutgers Loses Close Game

After all, it’s my word against his in court. What jury is going to trust a loser like him?” The overall sentiment to this reporter is that students finally believe McCormick is working for them. Livingston student Jenna James said “By cutting Division I sports, he’s shown a real interest in helping a more significant portion of the population succeed in life. He’s also proposed that career service be expanded so more graduating students can get jobs!” In a public statement, previously skeptical minority groups have joined together to say, “McCormick has finally shown true dedication to advancing the education of all groups, and not just a select few in this decision. We congratulate you President McCormick.” Since this reporter doesn’t care for dissenters, I’m not going to do any research from an opposing view nor give them a voice. Booyah! So now

The 2003-2004 season for Rutgers Women’s “Basketball” has been a rough one on t h e Rutgers Faithful. E v e n though Rutgers Yeah made Bryan Needadic it into the first round of the NCAA for a second year in a row, they promptly lost the game. Some might say this is not disappointing, that Rutgers

NBA Nets Knicks

NHL 90 W.A.R. 10 89 F.A.G.S. 0

Liquid Kds 100 Peace 0 Mattia sucks D.Y.K.E. 0

Staff Green Lantern

In a tragic upset last night Rutgers (I-95) went from a tie ball game to a 37-0 loss in the short span BASEBALL o f Rutgers 0 nine Kids 37 at bats The Rutgers Starting pitcher only lasted 0.0 innings after a brief bender involving three chimps, a dead hooker and the cast from Different Strokes the night before. He was cited as saying, “The midget living in my head was just no help.” The RU screw continued to turn in the latter part of the inning as the visiting team hit sixteen consecutive home runs. At that point the visitors retired for the night to do their taxes, homework and respective “junk”. Neighborhood children were then allowed to face off against the older seasoned Rutgers professionals. At first

things seemed bleak. The local children were only scoring a run or two an inning more than usual. When the children broke twenty-four runs, higher than any of the Rutgers players could count, the valiant Rutgers team broke their stride and allowed thirteen runs in the top of the ninth. The unlucky number in combination with it being, “more than a million” caused the worst upset in Rutgers history. Instead of winning, like all the attendees assumed would happen, the first baseman struck out claiming, “The sun was in my eyes.” (He meant to say cum - Ed) In the next at bat, shortstop John Jonze, “swung the bat faster and harder than anyone I’ve ever seen” according to one of the Rutgers coaches. The ball went way back, over the outfielder’s glove and out of the park. Sadly the bat also connected with Jonze’s head and was ruled an out. Jonze is See ‘Asshole’ on Page 73

See ‘Yay?’ on Page 20

Disappointing Season for Rutgers Women’s Basketball

Pro Scores

By Kyle Rayner

Schiano Promises Winning Season By Larry Cheng

is building toward something greater. I for one am not fooled. These women have tried their best and have failed miserably at the only thing men have told them they were good at, “basketball”. Now basketball is in quotes because Women’s basketball, as we all know, is not a sport. They should have stuck with their gut and went into nursing school, or teaching. The least they could do was stay at home, and married a husband. Who needs an education when you’ve got a nice hot stove to slave over, and babies to feed? No, the Rutgers Women’s

team did not do such a fantastic job as was hoped, and who can blame them for hoping, everyone at Rutgers was hoping our little ladies could make it into the BIG tournament. Now I heard when the game was over, they all started crying and didn’t stop until they got their pint of Ben and Jerry’s from their loving boyfriends. Now they will have more time for the things that matter, vacuuming and cooking dinner. KNIGHT NOTE: Bryan was allegedly shot (with basketballs) this morning before this article went to print by the starting line of the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team.

Extra Point

0 The number of sports programs next year at Rutgers.

Sports Editor

Rutgers’ Football Coach Greg Schiano has made a bold claim of a winning season by the Scarlet Knights in 2004. In a press conference held Tuesday morning, Schiano laid out his strategy for a winning season. “It starts out with a commitment to defense and the promotion of the incoming recruitment class to key positions... and also lots of hamburgers.” Puzzled by his statement, reporters pressed for an answer to which he replied, “Robble robble.” The press conference quickly fell apart when a man, with the head of

a big mac came running through the doors. “You cannot escape this time, Hamburgerler!” screamed the man, later identified as Constable Big Mac, best friend to Ronald McDonald. The crowd turned to Coach Schiano, who now donned prison stripes, a mask, and a cape, to see him run off with a plate of hamburgers. The constable fielded questions from the press after his near capture of Coach Schiano. When asked if the Grimace was involved, and if anything could stop him, Constable Big Mac replied, “Nothing can stop the Grimace…” The See ‘Schiano’ on Page 22

Rutgers Sports Calender Men’s Basketball (20-11): Next: TBA Baseball (I-95): LOSS at Playground Next: Smarch 30 vs. Me, 2 p.m. Softball (10-15): LOSS at Princeton Next: March 32 vs. You, 3 p.m.

Hockey (25-1): Next: April 9 vs. Vermont, 8 p.m.

Dancing (11-0): Next: In My Pants

Curling (0-0-11): Next: TBA

Ass Clapping (0-0): Next: Booty Call

Hiking (3-0-1): WIN at Mt. Hill Next: Never

Biathalon (10-10-10): Next: Shooting your face off


AP Wire By Max Cable Wednesday Gene O’Hara, the Chairman of the BOG stated “In light of certain circumstances, we as a board felt it would s...

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you