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THE

MEDIUM The Entertainment Weekly of Angry Monkey Men www.themedium.net

Volume XXXIV, Number 18

Terrorism comes from both sides of the ocean.

New York

Baghdad

Wednesday, March 26th, 2003


EDITORIALS

Wednesday March 26th, 2003

no

The Only Effective Protest is Election Day

It is already past the point where voter apathy and disinterest in citizenship have allowed those in power, as members of the duly elected United States Government, to legislate and pursue policies that directly lead to extensive casualties both military and civilian, both at home and abroad. The current war in Iraq is a political and moral quagmire in which both advance and retreat pose risks on an apocalyptic scale. Frighteningly, this paradoxical situation is not the fundamental problem. It is a symptom of a larger, more complex and chronically under-appreciated failure by the people of the United States to participate in their own government. The short term outcome of the conflict in Iraq is being debated in childishly simple and dangerously binary terms by the government, by protestors and by the media which, provides coverage on both sides with an appalling lack of depth and balance. The long term effects of this war, in terms of the precedent that is being set, in terms of the disenfranchisement of the public, and in terms of the grave threat to civilized democracy, are being ignored. Much of the anti-war sentiment is being expressed in emotional rhetoric. Often it is self-serving to other causes, diluting the message of peace. Speeches reach predominately those who are already decided on issues. Protests get only a fraction of the media coverage focused on the war. Demonstrations do not stop policy. They do not stop politicians. They do not stop war. 1945: United States involvement in Vietnam begins. Ho Chi Minh, leader of North Vietnam, is given financial, tactical and military aide to defeat Japanese forces. 1946: The French reject peace talks offered by Ho Chi Minh and declare war on Vietnam to ensure their continued colonial dominance in Indochina. 1950: The United States, fearing “proliferation of Communism”, sends paramilitary forces to South Vietnam to aide French subjugation of the newly independent North Vietnamese. By year’s end, the United States is financing over half of the French war cost. 1954: The North Vietnamese defeat the French at Dien Bien Phu. The French withdrawal colonial and military forces from Indochina. The U.S. begin to create a puppet government, the Republic of Vietnam, under Ngo Dinh Diem who declares himself president in 1955. 1956: War erupts between North Vietnam and South Vietnam.

1963: Buddhist Monks immolate themselves to protest the Vietnamese War. 1965: Following the assassination of President Ngo Dinh Diem and the destabilization of U.S. led South Vietnamese forces, the United States Military deploys troops in Vietnam. U.S. causalities near 2,000 with over 7,000 wounded.

1965: Peace protests were held in over 40 major U.S. cities. 1968: The Tet Offensive shatters the preconception that war in Vietnam would be swift and easy. The My Lai massacre that same year gave only a glimpse of the literal and psychological horror of the Vietnamese conflict. U.S. Casualties exceed 25,000 with nearly 200,000 wounded. Vietnamese casualties exceed this almost tenfold. 1969: President Nixon promises troop withdrawal from Vietnam. Shortly afterwards, the United States Military begins drafting U.S. citizens into action. U.S. forces suffer approximately another 11,500 casualties and 50,00 wounded.

1969: In Washington D.C. 250,000 peace protestors demonstrate against the war. 1970: U.S. and U.S.-led forces invade Cambodia.

1970: May 4 th – Four students shot and killed at Kent State during peace protest May 6 th – Over 100 College campuses shut down due to riots protesting the Cambodian invasion. May 14th - Two students shot and killed at Jackson State during protest of both Vietnam conflict and Kent State incident 1971: U.S. and U.S.-led forces invade Laos. 1973: After nearly three decades of involvement, United States forces begin withdrawing from Vietnam. 1975: The United States government places a trade embargo on all of Vietnam, including millions of South Vietnamese civilians. The embargo would stay in place for another two decades. None of the U.S. military objectives in Vietnam are achieved.

1975: U.S. casualties exceed 50,000. Death toll as of 1993 is 58,169 KIA.* Vietnamese military causalities exceed 1,000,000 killed, 600,000 wounded.** Vietnamese civilian causalities exceed 4,000,000 between North and South.** *Combat Area Casualty File (November, 1993, 1997), National Archives. **The French Associated Press (April 4th, 1995) Vietnamese Government’s release of official figures of dead and wounded during the Vietnam War.

Every election day: Educate yourself. It is not simply the privilege of the wealthy and idle, it is the duty of every average American. After all, it is average Americans who die in wars. It is average Americans who die in terrorist attacks. It is average Americans who pay taxes to a government who installs despots in Vietnam, deals with drug runners in Panama, backs fundamentalists in Iraq and then in Iran - a government that supplies to them weapons including those of socalled mass destruction - manufactured by the U.S. military-industrial complex. Many say ‘shame on Mr. Bush’ and ‘shame on Congress’ for their arrogance and warmongering.

Shame on us, the average Americans, for our apathy and disinterest. An informed, educated voting public is the best and last hope for peace.

Page Page Page Page Page Page

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Editorial F.F. CNN MSNBC GMG Features

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Ryan Beckman

Arts Per Son Als What’s Shaking?

THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjamin Schachtman Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Bridget Heines Bryan McKenna Photographer Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Carol Who? Senior Editor Amy Groark

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. Send e-love to Ryan Beck@Eden.Rutgers.Edu. The Medium wishes the war was funny. It isn’t fucking funny.


Wednesday, March 26th 2003

FREEDOM FREEDOMFACTS FACTS

“Shit --------------> Fan”

The Cover

Thank God For Fake Boobs In Paintings

by Ryan G. Beckman

So as most of my editorials seem to do, this will focus on the cover. I’d like to start by saying that not all members of The Medium are against the war in Iraq. That being said… I don’t want anyone to misinterpret the cover. I’m not saying that soldiers in Iraq are terrorists and I’m not saying that terrorists come from Baghdad. I’m not sure of any other ways people could misread this cover but… if you have a problem with it, you know how to get in touch with me… and if you can’t figure it out… you’re too stupid to do much aside from the nightly ritual of placing a paper bag over your face and having your little sister bitchslap you to sleep. On a more important note… I’m sorry for 2 political covers in a row but… with all this going on who can blame us? I promise next week’s cover to make you laugh until you shit your pants*.

American Jews should cut ties to Israel, Judaism - better living, better women.

U.S. Military should draft all those ‘Gangstas’ S’up Beotches, This is the real Detriot pimp, Kid Rock. I just want to give a shout out to my motherfucking boys out there in the desert kicking those camel jockey’s asses. Those greedy-ass oil-hording punks can suck my Baghdad. I’m pretty pissed off at a lot of suckas who are hating on those soldiers, man, that’s pretty weak. I know Joe wouldn’t have wanted that shit, so y’all better check your grills before the Kid has to smash your teeth in and tea-bag your bleeding liberal shittalking mouths with my fucking nutsack. I got an idea, why don’t we take all these so called ganstas on the charts right now and send their asses to war? Fuck yeah Detriot. If Xhibit is so damn tough, with his titanium skeleton and his double desert eagles, why doesn’t he ride over there and roll up on Najaf in his twenty inch chrome wheels? Fuck that, he’s a pussy, he couldn’t roll up on my grandma with a M1A1 tank, and if he did, my grandma would bitch slap the black off his cheek. And what about 50-cent? He gets shot, how many times, a dozen, and doesn’t fucking die? Fuck that action hero shit, he needs to get his invincible ass shipped over to Iraq so we can use him as a human shield. So let’s get these unpatriotic motherfuckers out of our god-loving country and make some room for the Kid up in that top-40 beotch. Suck my ass, Kid Rock

Amid Fears of World War III, Cheerleaders Still Hot Hey Medium, Just wanted to let you know that just because we’re in a Fraternity doesn’t mean we don’t understand international politics. We know damn well that Bush’s illegal militarism has pretty much fucked any chance for world peace. But hey, fuck it, cuz’ cheerleaders are still hot! To prove my point, I included these pictures we took at our rush ceremony last month. Man, these bitches just showed up at started getting naked, masturbating with teddy-bears and eating each other out. It was fucked up. Yeah. Cheerleaders are still hot. Mos def.

This high school babe started humping one of our pledge’s teddybears! Then we made him eat our shit and cum! Rush Mu Iota Kappa!

Five chicks started sucking each others’ tuna pipes while we jacked each other off onto the pledges! Greek Life!

Dear Medium, I’m an American Jew. Now, I love Israel as much as any Jew reasonably could under the circumstance, but even I am forced to ask myself - is it worth all this death and destruction just for an arid stretch of land in the middle of nowhere (and in SCUD missile range too)? Most American Jews, as you know, live in Los Angeles where they control the media and sexslave trade. LA has fabulous weather all year long, a dozen delicatessens on every block and the finest assortment of shiksas I have ever seen. Now I ask myself again, what are we really fighting for? Christians believe in Yahweh and the holy testament put forth in the Torah, and they’re perfectly happy living in far better places than our beloved Israel. Even those curry-eating freaks in India are leaving their holy lands as fast as US immigration will let ‘em come to America. Plus, they can eat all the pork they want. As an American Jew, I believe it high time that the Jewish population gave up on Israel, since Bush’s holy war will probably get it vaporized anyway. Once we leave the holy land, maybe those damn Arabs will stop blowing us up constantly and concentrate on subjugating women again. Either way, we can fuck women with far more attractive noses. Shalom, Zechariah Goldstein

Notice: All “opinions” will from now on be referred to as “Freedom Facts” but will still be, essentially, opinions in that they cannot technically be incorrect no matter how drastically they differ from empirical evidence or logical deduction. Submissions can still be sent to Collegeben@hotmail.com. This bitch didn’t even speak English! What the hell!?! Rush our Frat!

- Freedom Fact Editor


NEWS NEWS

” - Marcel Marceau

From the Oracle of Kronos

Wednesday March 26, 2003

World’s Skinniest Article!

by Sirius Ditto (telling you how it really happened) Budget McGreedy Style

Literacy/HIV Rates in Africa on the Rise By Mike Litoris

Realizing that his reign is rapidly coming to an end, Saddam established a political consultation business. To benefit from his ancient source of wisdom, people were lined up to talk to Saddam. Professors, philosophers, religious leaders, businessmen, moms, babysitters, whorehouse runners, and of course politicians. When McGreevy’s turn came up, he didn’t lose anytime addressing his questions. McGreedy.: Hello? Am I on? Sadaam: Yes, you are. What seems to be the trouble, my son? Mc: I’m the governor of New Jersey. Sad: Are you now? Mc.: Yes, I am. I still can’t believe it but I am. Sad: So, do you actually have a question for me or are you randomly calling people to congratulate you? Mc: Oh, I do have questions, Sir. I have trouble with the state budget. Sad: Deficit? Mc: Damn, you’re good. Sad: How bad is it? Mc: It’s not as bad as Iraq but I realize I need help. Sad: You’ll learn, son, you’ll learn. You’re still young. It requires an extraordinary mastery to rule when it’s as bad as this. As for New Jersey, the process is pretty elementary. Now, listen to me carefully. Mc: All ears here. Sad: Cut the budgets of some departments… Mc (murmuring to himself, obviously taking notes) Cut the budgets of… Sad: Such as education, art, and welfare Mc: …education, art… Sad: It would be better to get rid of them entirely but that’s infeasible at this point for you. Just be as generous as possible with the use of scissors. Mc: …cut & paste Sad: Be prudent towards corporations. Don’t raise their taxes. You don’t wanna upset them. Mc: …keep kissing corporation asses Sad: Now, people might get upset with you. Many won’t want to accept these cuts. That’s partly why you must chop down the education and art budgets right away. It will be a long-term investment for you, believe me. Troublemakers breed from schools. And artists are natural born troubles. You need statewide ignorance. Mc: …ignorance… be rid of trouble makers… believe him… Sad: You need more rednecks running around loose. Support Your Local Rednecks. White trash should be the ground you stand on. Help increase the white trash population. Mc: …more white trash… Sad: As far as I know black people are already pretty trashed. Keep them the way they are. Make them even trashier if possible. And have the white trash and black trash shit allover each other. Mc: …shitty black & white state… Sad: Oh, have I told you that you actually don’t wanna get rid of the budget deficit. Mc: I don’t?!! Sad: No. You only wanna seem as if that’s what you are doing… Mc: …act as if… Sad: …but what you really wanna be doing is maintain the deficit and widen it if you can… Mc: …strive for bigger deficit… Sad: Now, here is whatchya gonna do with the recovered money, which has been wasted away on education and art so far: You take it and directly channel it to the police department, to the military, to the subsidies for the corporate projects, and to the crappiest media outlets. Mc: …transfer more funds to the oppressive devices… Sad: Make sure all the media money is spent on propaganda and dummie-fying shows. You need more stupid people who’ll believe that being patriotic is being a retarted and fascist and that’s only way to be. Mc: …hypnotizing shows = dumb ass patriots Sad: And make sure the police departments hire only the racist officiers with the extra money they get. Spending it on getting cool toys like advanced spying technologies is acceptable as well. Privacy must be broken into. For a ruler “Privacy” is a dirty word when it comes to the people. Mc: …more racist cops…privacy bye-bye…This is great, Mr. Saddam. What else? Sad: Hang up the phone and write me a check. Next!

“White Humor” by Brian Tarus

Africa - A stunning report released on Monday by the Department of Educating Africans on the Threat of HIV, referred to as DEATH, presented an amazing discovery. It notes a correlation between the rise of the sexually transmitted disease AIDS/HIV rates and literacy rates. The discovery has surprised and confounded experts in education and health all over the world. According to the report, children and adults in Africa afflicted with the STD, which attacks and destroys the human immune system, have mysteriously picked up on English letters previously unknown. An expert on education and a contributor to the report, Dr. Heath Sommington said, "Of those in the study, the people who did not have the STD HIV/AIDS did not have any reading or writing skills whatsoever. However, within months of acquiring the disease, the members suddenly learned letters, and how to appropriately use them, and they're not even of their native language. The letters are in English." Reportedly, the letters learned are "A", "I", "D", "S", "T", "H", and "V". It is a complete mystery to educators and physicians as to why this anomaly exists, and why it is these letters over any other. The sheer breadth of the AIDS crisis is daunting in sub-Sahara Africa, where two-thirds of the world's 33.4 million HIV-infected people live and where the infection rate is rising by 20% a year. Last year, an estimated two million Africans died from AIDS, making the disease the leading cause of death among Africans for the first time.* It is expected that, at this rate, very soon all of Africans will be able to spell, in English, words such as "Dad", "Sad", and "Shit". *Source: The Wall Street Journal 9/15/1999

I went to www.themedium.net and now my pubic hair smells funny. Then I sent a news article to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com and alas, now my butt hurts. I just can’t win.


“I’m not very good with shapes right now.”

Wednesday March 26, 2003

We like having meetings, we like cops at our meetings. If you’re a cop, come to our meeting: 9:30 tonight (that’s Wednesday, silly) LSC 113. If your not a cop, you can come to the non-cop meeting Which is held at 9:30 tonight also, but in LSC 111. (Don’t tell the cops, but that other meeting is fake.) -=Snickers=-

New Brunswick Policeman Found, Violated, But Happy By “Pink Eyed” “Jim” “Cortina” News Editor Officer Gerald Berstand* of the New Brunswick police had been missing for several weeks when he was found Monday morning. Upon emerging from a seedy basement on Jersey St. in Trenton, Berstand remarked, “What a beautiful day!” before passing out. When he came to several hours later he insisted that he would not press any charges against his captor. “He was a really nice guy, he used to stick it in my butt for hours on end, and reach around and play with my chest hairs just like I like.” He even lauded his kidnapper, “If it weren’t for him, I never would have learned of the joys of anal love. I really regret giving him that speeding ticket in January, if I had’ve known he was so great in bed, I would have let him off with a warning.” A warning of love, this reporter presumes. Asked to give a description of his treatment, officer Berstand went on to describe the sordid details of being locked in a dirt-floor basement, bound, having honey spread on his testicles, and left for the rats to come and crawl over his privates. “It was so tickly!” he quipped. He was fed little more than toasted cheddar cheese sandwiches with duck fat, and given Trenton water to drink. “The water was like fine champagne, and my lover/captor sure knows how to toast a cheese sandwich.” Other horrendous tales spun by officer Berstand included being forced to piss on the dirt floor, in order for the mud to be used as lube for his nightly encounters, and other tales too grotesque for even this newspaper to print. By the way, Officer Berstand, thanks for the $230 ticket and the two points on my license that you entrapped me into getting, you fucker.

NEWS NEWS

Several tips in case of terrorist attack. Thanks to http://www.uspoliticsforum.com for these.

If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

*Name changed to protect the guilty fuck.

MEDIUMOLOGY Aeries

March 21-April 19

So, we’ve just entered into your house. Happy birth month. You’ve been swinging between spontaneity one day and planning ahead the next. Planning spontaneously might be the key for you this week. Look out for strategic partnership opportunities. You’ve never been stingy so why be this week.

Taurus

April 20-May 20

During the last week just when you thought that everything was going sweet smooth, some jerk came along and used the first opportunity to put you down in the cheapest way possible, right? It will happen this week, too. Which is good: everything will be going sweet smooth and as for the jerks, they are here to remind you not to be so damn self-centered all the time. Lift your head sometimes and see the effect that you have around you.

Gemini

I know you feel like everything is revolving faster than ever. Good news: you don’t have to catch up with any of them. Lean against a tree now, breath in an’ out. Zeus seems motionless in his bed and you’ll receive your signals from stillness if you know how to listen to it. Then get ready for the great race. You’ll be the Playboy of the West. June 21-July 22

Find a pisces and converse. They have a portion of the wisdom and the attention that you crave. But don’t seek a radical turnaround in your life at this point; you’ll just get more frustrated. Sex is not always hard to get, it just depends on when you covet it.

Leo

July 23- Aug. 22

We know you like the large pictures, you like to make wide brush touches and leave the details to others, “Just finish it, will you?” The thing is you have to do it yourself this week. And it’s all bad really. Wiping up your butt, for example, is a detail but it’s grand ‘cause it’s your butt, it’s a royal butt.

Virgo

Libra

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Our house doctor suggest that you walk into a crowd of supporters and our peacenik patriotic boys and girls will make you happier than ever. Orgy in rebellion. Emiliano Zapata meets Clara Zetkin. We’re no daisies. Pine trees, baby, pine trees: we bite and rise.

Sept. 23- Oct. 22

The Medium reporters have been reporting that you’ve all been sucking monkey nuts. Not that anything is wrong with that. If you can’t decide whether the spring or the fall is the cruelest season for love, go to Iraq or Palestine during summer. I know there are no monkeys there but camels might do it as well.

Scorpio

May 21-June 20

Cancer

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you’ll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

Oct. 23- Nov. 21

You need help. You must find something to take your mind off sex. I would say think of Bush but that might be permanently traumatic for you. Ok, come to the Medium meeting and think of your least favorite Medium staff member. Or come to the meeting and don’t take your mind off sex.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Your planet is not moving. But don’t be concerned. This means that everyone around you will take a moment and take a look at your gas filled breasts or balls. And they are spectacular.

Capricorn

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Watch out for the guy at the office who always drinks the decaf... He’s looking to pee in your shoes. If they ask you to comment about the war this week, keep saying, “So, when are we gonna bomb Reykjavik, man?”

Aquarius

Jan. 20-Feb 18

A golden opportunity for a golden shower is heading your way. Don’t turn down mineral rich opportunity to lather in a jet stream of cereal smelling goodness, but be sure to pass when you’re asked if you’d like a “Cleveland Steamer”.

Pisces

Feb. 19-March 20

This week is a 4. Things will start off well... you will be recieving “good” news. This will end up being your undoing. Gay modulators will spring up from nowhere and force you into hiding... first only of your anus, and eventually of your entire body. Pray, because you’ll be on your knees anyway.


GMG

“ I’m a stain. Uh.”

GROW YOUR PACKAGE OVERNIGHT!!! Penis Enlargement - Guaranteed Results Does Size Matter? All over the country, from the workplace to the dinner table to the playground at your local elementary school, everybody is talking about penis size. What’s too big, what’s too small; just how big we all need to be to satisfy a woman. This is a common question, does size really matter when it comes to sexually satisfaction for a woman? Can you really give her MORE PLEASURE if you had a bigger penis? Despite what women tell you in an attempt to not hurt your sensitive male ego, the answer is a resounding YES. YES, you can give your woman more pleasure with a larger penis. It’s all biological. It’s been discovered that the clitoris is actually insignificant when it comes to orgasm. In addition, the location of the so-called “g-spot” is actually in a girl’s throat. Meaning, your penis will never pleasure a woman. NEVER. NADDA. YOUR PENIS IS NOTHING. Well, unless you deepthroat her. Women of all ages love to deepthroat. Regardless, you need a BIGGER PENIS. Bigger = better.

Grow the balls you’ve always wanted to. Unfortunately for you and your genitalia, it’s not just the penis that is lagging behind the times: It’s your balls. The second most common complaint among sexually disatisfied women is the sheer lack of volume in their partner’s ejaculation. That’s right: You just don’t have the balls. How do you expect to impress a girl if you can’t ejaculate a cup of semen? And that’s just the low end of the scale. YOUR BALLS ARE SMALL, MAKING YOU LESS OF A MAN. Let’s look at some sad, but true facts: •

The average erect penis size is just 6.16". Over 90% of all men possess this size. Meaning 99% of men are unable to pleasure their women. YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS.

30 Million men in the USA alone suffer from Erectile Dysfunction (Impotence). YOU MAY BE NEXT!!!

The majority of men have very poor blood circulation to the penis. Can YOU get it up when the situation gets hot?

By age 29, 96% of men are completely impotent and unable to feel anything below their legs.

Over 98% of men would increase the size of their “package”, if they knew how.

99% of Women have never achieved an orgasm during intercourse, all because of their partner’s INCREDIBLY TINY PENIS. The 1% that do claim to have achieved orgasm were really just faking it.

101% of all men have a weaker, smaller and underdeveloped and otherwise insignificant penis to what they could possess.

101% of men don’t have the balls to be a real man.

Iraq is a terrorist nation. Iraqi men have the smallest penises in the world. ARE YOU A TERRORIST?!!!!!!

Now You Can Have a MASSIVE PENIS and GIGANTIC BALLS swinging freely between your legs!!!!! You can massively increase your penis size in as little as 2 hour. Best of all, there are no pumps, weights, pain, hypodermic needles, and especially no dangerous and expensive surgery involved. According to a recent survey, men who successfully enlarge their “package” report feeling much more confident. That’s right, they’re better than you, you scum. You will never be as happy as them until you ENLARGE YOUR PACKAGE. Your wife or girlfriend will be banging your well-hung neighbor until you get some real balls and grow a penis. It’s time to be the MAN you’ve always wanted to be! Don’t let small genitalia hold YOU back in the road of life.

GUARANTEED PERMANENT RESULTS OR YOU GET A FULL REFUND! This mindless parody of an actual email has been brought to you by Colonel Quack.

Medium Meeting. 9:30. Tonight. LSC Room 111. Be there or I shoot this puppy in the head.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

The Medium Presents: Beerman By: Dan Migliore It had been a few months since Beerman had begun to make his prescence known. Campus crime rates were down, and public intoxication was way up. But there was a problem. The new president of Rutgers, Richard Mccormick, had set out to make Beerman no more. The evil president could not stand to think that somewhere, students might be having a good time. With the help of his son, Kenny, he vowed to destroy Beerman once and for all. But he had prepared for an emergency. Originally thinking he might have to fight Fran Lawrence to the death to take over control of the university, McCormick had built himself a suit whcih would give its wearer the strength and agility of 20 football players. Well, football players from another school, that is. Donning the suit, he set out to the Olde Queens Tavern, where Beerman would go after a hard night of crimefighting to relax and have a drink. Seeing Beerman at the bar, he called him out. The two went outside and began to fight. They exchanged blows like sorostitutes exchange venereal diseases. The streets echoed with the sounds of their battle. But Beerman was in trouble. The suit which McCormick wore was too powerful. Beerman could not keep up with him. Then suddenly, a nearby pimp called to Beerman. “The suit has an off button you drunk fucker!” Looking to the back of the suit, Beerman quickly found the button, and flicked it, draining the suit of its power. McCormick was powerless. Rushing to his father’s side, Kenny McCormick began his assault on Beerman, but neglected to see the taxi headed his way. It ran him over, killing him rather slowly and painfully. “Oh my god!” McCormick cried. “They killed Kenny!” The pimp knew that this scene was reminiscent of South Park, so he quickly bitch-slapped McCormick to get him to shut up. Beerman walked over to his new ally and thanked him for his help. Then he looked toward the sky, drew a mighty breath, and with all the nobility he could muster, threw up on the pimps shoes. He stumbled off, crunked as all hell, to wait for when Rutgers University would once again need Beerman to step up to the plate and swing the mighty bat of justice for the student body.

Good Bye?

by: “The Madd Typer” Ok, so why do I write about eating preborn fetuses, and by eating I mean eating out, and talk about stabbing women in their stomachs, well it was mostly for my own amusement and for the amusement of a few others around these parts, and quite frankly, it’s begining to suck. I mean how often can I write about the same things over and over and over again without sounding repetitive? Sure I could combine them into a new twist such as, fucking the spine stump of a 7 year old girl while I lick the asshole of her mother, but that just gets disgusting after a while, and there are only so many combinations I can do. So, I’ve decided to give it a rest for a long while and leave room for articles with some more satirical value. Maybe I’ll branch out into other forms of humor, or just write a serious article one of these days, but the days of gulping down pre-natal juices while I masturbate to my sons birth are over, for now. Maybe someday down the line, while you are flipping through this scatological newspaper, you’ll come across an article by you old buddy, The Mad Typer, and I hope that it will have some more lasting value than what I havewritten, so for now, shitfucksuckyourmotherrapeyourbabybrother and goodbye.


“Your problem was running from the cops.” “I only ran a little.”

To all of you who showed your ass to a cleaning lady while vomiting this Spring Break: Welcome Back. I’m glad there were no terrorists on your plane.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Why I Hate Highlander By: A Drunken Compilation Of Fools Blacks, Jews and Homosexuals have no souls!!! It’s true you know. About ten years ago, Satan made a deal with the Coke corporation in which he bought the eternal souls of these beings. Now, I know you must be thinking, “Why is it that a black man’s soul is as valuable as a jew’s, or a jew’s as a homosexual’s?” The reasoning is that nobody who fits into this category is an actual person. To be honest, they are more like turtles or Enteman’s cookies. They hide in their shells and are all warm and gooey inside…well, at least the homosexuals. Since they have no souls, then they will be around forever like the Highlander. Soon, all you’ll see is severed black, jewish and homosexual heads lying around. Soon, the last one of those beings will have to fight Jet Li to find out who is “The One”. And if Jet Li wins, then a reign of darkness shall descend upon us all. And this darkness will last a 1000 years, and there will be no light. And everyone will say “Damn! Where did all the light go? It’s fucking dark here! Hey somebody, turn the damn lights back on. The circuit breaker is in the basement.” And in this darkness monsters shall roam, giant Asian ones with golden eyelashes and Chuck-T’s and little cans of mayonnaise that they shall smear upon the walls. And the people will be overwhelmed by the injustices committed to them, but it will be rightful punishment for letting Jet Li win. But the years shall pass quickly for there will be no way to tell time. And then the darkness will lift, and there shall be light once more. And the people shall say “Damn, where did all the light come from? It was dark a minute ago, and now its light. God you’re ugly!” Then everyone will do a circular dance of joy amongst the pillowy mounds of mayonnaise, with everyone holding hands, because there are no more blacks, jews, or homos and in that way we will finally have world peace.

And this week, we learned that Asians like to have lesbian sex with strap-ons.

Features

Raoul Dan’s Stories With Morals Note From The Editor- In the Tradition of Aesop’s Fables, and to fulfill his court-ordered community service, Raoul Dan and The Medium present these stories to help educate. And remember, these are fables, or something very much like that, so it’s okay to tell them to small children. But I am not legally binded to the proposition, nor do I take responsibility if your kid turns out as fucked up as him.

The Three Little Pigs 2002 Three little pigs once lived with their parents. They were happy pigs, which very much enjoyed life. But, as pigs often do, they grew up into three not-so-little pigs. And when they did, they decided it was about time to leave their parents. That, and their alcoholic pig father told them to get the fuck out. So the three not-so-little-pigs left for the city of New Brunswick. They each moved into separate homes, and were ready to embrace life. But one day the Big Badass Wolf showed up at the first pig’s house. Now, the foolish and naive not-so-little-pig had not put a deadbolt on his door, and so foregoing the fable-like banter, the big badass wolf just kicked the door in and ate the pig like he was a pussy. The wolf was still hungry, and so he went along to the second pig’s house. But the second pig was smarter then his deceased brother. He had installed a high tech security camera and reinforced steel door. When he saw the Big Badass Wolf coming, he immediately dialed 911. But when the police came, they mistook a local neighborhood crack head for a wolf, and shot him. In the following commotion, the wolf broke through a window, which had no security precautions whatsoever, and ate the second notso-little-pig. The big bad-ass wolf, pleased with his dinner, decided to go get a piece of Little Red Riding Hood’s poontang pie for desert. The third pig used this break in the action to go visit his piggy brothers. Finding them eaten, he became enraged. He vowed vengeance on the wolf. So he went home, and he waited. Now this third pig was a smart little piggy. Upon reaching the city, he promptly joined a violence gang, got his props, and could pop a cap with the best of them. When the big bad-ass wolf came to his house, the third not-so-little-pig promptly shouted, “Yo beeyotch, I knows you ain’t fucking around on mah turf! Step off fo’ I gotta lay down the hurt, fool!” The Big Badass Wolf laughed, because really, who’s scared of a pig? But the Big Badass Wolf stopped laughing when the third little pig pulled out his Tech-9 and started busting out crazy shots. The third pig, using his mafia connections, got rid of the body, and was never prosecuted. He got a tattoo commemorating his piggy bros, and went on to live a happy life before getting popped in the back by some hating bitch. Moral of the Story: Gangs are cool.

Eating Vegetables (And I Don’t Mean Brussels Sprouts) by Henry Rarisan

Ok, so this article has nothing to do with the title (maybe, depends on what I think up in the next few seconds) but it got your attention right? Ok, so I’m walking in New York City ready to get on the subway and I see this guy playing a violin. He was asian, a deformed one at that, and he was playing really, I mean really badly, and I was wondering what in the world caused such a deformed man to take up the violin? I mean he could be doing somehting more productive than standing in a subway station playing crappy tunes on a violin. Not to say street musicians should stop playing, many are good, but when you suck at the instrument you play and people are throwing pennies in your case out of pity, I think it’s time to think up a new profession. Now he had a hump, so he could have been a mobile waiting tray, or a foot stool in some resturant, I’m sure he could have made more money doing such work. I mean, how fucked up must his parents be to have a child that deformed and gangly looking? Did his father have a leg sticking out of his eye, or his mother was born with three breasts and seven nipples? Where do these mutants come from? What sort of brain damage induces these people to breed? Maybe it’s because they fuck drooling vegetables.

Submit to FeaturesEd@yahoo.com. All your friends did. You don’t want to be a loser, do you?


Arts

“BEADS AND FATHERS AND BEADS AND FATHERS...”

XXX Cafe:

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

It's Time To Start Hating Other Countries By Jocky McDaterape

Best of Both Worlds? by Arts, as experienced on the Savannah Road Trip taken by some Rutgers Womens’ Rugby ladies Everyone knows that you find the best (or most bizarre) things on road trips. On our trip to Savannah, we encountered a little spot off of 95 South (exit 70, if you really wanna check it out) called the Cafe Risque’. It was around 5:45 am, and we were ready to take a break from the road, so we figured we’d check it out. There’s a huge sign outside that says “Free Showers to Truckers,” so how could a place like that be anything less than 5-star? Assuming that it’s not commonplace for 9 girls to walk into a xxx restaurant, we head into the doors, and meet the guy at the “ticket booth.” He’s there to explain the deal to ya, in case you’re not a regular. The “Deal” (taken from the Cafe Risque leaflet): 1. Please! Act like a gentleman at all times. 2. Please! Do not touch the ladies except for placing tips in their garters. 3. Please! Do not be rude, use vulgar language or facial expressions in the presence of the ladies! 4. Please! Do not solicit the ladies for prostitution! Cafe Risque is not intended for that purpose! 5. Please! Do not bring any illegal drugs or weapons (legal or illegal) of any kind or camera on the premises! 6. We reserve the right and will refuse entry to people who ar (typo included) obviously on drugs or intoxicated or has a bad or cocky attitude or a loud or bad mouth! 7. There will be no refund of cover charge! Period! 8. Please ask your favorite lady about our dances. 9. Any fake ID given to us will not be returned to you, it will be given to the Sheriff’s Department, so THINK FIRST! 10. Remember that all our ladies work for tips only. PLEASE BE KIND TO THEM! 11. If you are sitting at the stage, and are not tipping, you will be asked to move to a table. 12. One drink minimum.

Now that we know what’s up (and that ladies get in free), we’re escorted to our table. Sadly, there are no dancing girls on duty at this time. I guess they were still coming down from their cocaine highs last night. Three regular looking guys in their twenties are at a table nearby, and across the restaurant, next to XXX boutique enclave, are a few trucker-y lookin guys. Finally, our waitress comes out. Indeed, she is topless. She’s also wearing a thong, a garter belt with a few dollars tucked in, and a skirt so short it could double as a headband. Her name’s Stevie, she’s in her mid 30s, and she looks like she’s seen alot of things in this life. We order our pancakes, trying not to look in her eyes or at her boobs while we talk to her. The food was average, and the service was interesting, since Stevie tends to graze you with her boob as she gives you a little more coffee. After breakfast, we decided to check out the adult store, which looked straight out of a seedy store in Manhattan...dusty toys for his and her pleasure. Not quite our bag. As we leave a nice tip on the table for Stevie’s kids to get new shoes, we say goodbye to the folks at the Cafe Risque and get on the road again. In honor of our esteemed waitress, the nine of us have formed a band called Stevie Nips. Look for a review in Arts coming soon.

I have had enuff of this bullshit. We should have nuked France and Germany by now. I mean seriously, what a bunch of fags.

Underrated Artist Appreciation: Phil Collins

By the Volcano Worshipper

Phil Collins is totally hardcore. Yes, I know, absolutely everyone reading this is going “what the fuck, are you crazy?!?! Those songs he did for those Disney movies were so lame, even my parents thought they sucked! How can you say he’s hardcore?” Well, yes, most of his stuff is pretty crappy, I can’t deny that. However, the reason I say he is hardcore is simply because of one of the greatest songs of the 1980s, “In The Air Tonight”. Seriously, listen to this fucking song!!! It is so hardcore, I swear. It’s slow, brooding, ominous, and hella creepy. The beats in this song are so amazing. If Phil Collins weren’t actually singing on it, I’d think it was Suicide or Cabaret Voltaire or something. The way he uses the effects on his voice are just completely genius. And he doesn’t even bring the actual drums in the song until 3 minutes into it, and when he does, he does the best damn drum fill ever!!! Of course, it sounds like any drum fill in any Phil Collins song, but… it’s way better!!! And of course, there’s the totally awesome video for this song, with his disembodied, distorted head, and stuff. I haven’t seen it in a few years, but I remember it was pretty awesome. So, yeah. Phil Collins is hardcore. Oh and he was also in Genesis in the 70s and stuff, and he played drums on some of Brian Eno’s early solo albums. So that’s cool too.

Look at me, I’m a dancing Maniac!

Ya, an AIDS filled dancing maniac.

Sob, Sob, Sob.

Wish there was room for your article? Send your submissions to shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com! Meeting-tonight-9:30-LSC111


Wednesday, March 26, 2003 A resounding What The Fuck goes out to whoever found my Motorola V60 last Tuesday afternoon either in Scott Hall, The Silvers Parking Lot, or next to the Grease Trucks. Nevermind looking through the phone book to find my room number and calling, you don’t even have the fucking courtesy to pick up when I call the phone to try and retrieve it. Did it ever occur to you that every person’s phone number who I have met over the past three years of my life are in that phone. Where the fuck am I going to get drugs from now that all my dealers numbers are gone. Would you like it if you couldn’t get drugs anymore, I doubt it. If you are read this, and have any compassion for a fiending drug addict, PLEASE send me a letter so I can get in contact with you; If you still have the phone we can discuss some sort of reward. (Where do we get these people who think the personals are posting important messages to the public. These personals are here for the sole fact of making fun of chinks, wops, greasers, kikes, crakcers, and towelheads, but not the niggers, they have the ability to meat us in a dark alley and mug us.) Warning: Do Not Worship While Stupid. Smiting may occur at any time. [Have a nice day.]

“Double-U Double-U Double-U dot Dubya dot Commercial Oil”

Personals Personals

The World according to a Chink: China - Asian Pride! Chinese Pride! Lo Mein! Fried Rice! Taiwan - China! Fake Race! Cute Girls! Rich! Chinese Pride! Hong Kong - Canto Pride! Cute Girls! Crazy Movies! Japan - Anime! JPop! Asian Porn! Cute Girls! Import Cars! Korea - Kim Chee! Cute Girls! KPop! TaeKwonDo! Vietnam - Cute Girls! Kicked USA’s ass! Ho Chi Minh! Philippines - Pinoy! Pinay! Cute Girls! Funny Accents! Thailand - Cute Girls! Pah Thai Noodles! Ladyboys! Rest of Asia - Crazy Asians! Europe - White Women! Racists! White People! USA - Land Of Opportunity! China Buffet! Paved with Gold! Rest of World - Ha Ha! Poor People! Asian Pride! And This also applies to Other Orientals too. Which is why they are always into Import Cars, Asian Cuties, and Food...Now you know... T- the gift of a song is better Man or Beast? If you than nothing. A. come to the Medium Meet- (Oh, I get it, this is one of those stupid-ass comments ing at 9:30 P.M. in the that only you and your 15 year-old girlfriend would get. LSC you still probably Un less the “T” stands for won’t find out, but you Tits and the “A” stands for Ass, and that whole thing can help make fun of was about anal raping; in Ryan’s infant sized that case, your okay in my book you pedohile / asspenis raper. To the guy that fucked me Hey guys, in case any crazy some crazy fucker carved a every day last semester: Do it hippie chicks try and jump you sculpture out of butter and again. while you are finishing that propped it up in the middle of (Now, mind you, we got this term paper, make sure you the bonanza breakfast bar from an eden account with are prepared. The Hurtado (Ya know, I thought they a dude’s name. So I think pharmacy has condoms, 12 changed the recipe for were all in agreement that for $3, and you can fit 4 in an tuesday surprise at Brower, this guy is a quote / unempty altoids tin. Just keep a and now I’m certain of it.) quote Homosexual few of those curiously strong mints around for oral...

(I knew Altoids were “curi(Warning: Do Not Worship.) ously” strong for a reason. To everyone who participated And now we know: condom in the walkout and showed up lubrication secretion juice.) in Trenton, I hope you went To the jerk-offs on the 7th home and got righteously laid, floor of McCormick: WHY as should be the ending to all THE FUCK DO YOU protests against “The Man”. WAIT UNTIL I AM Any women who did not ASLEEP OR ABOUT TO receive their well-deserved SLEEP TO BLAST YOUR knocking-of-boots and SHITTY MUSIC??!!! I bumping-of-fuzzies should HAVE TOLD YOU AT proceed to the nearest LEAST 3 TIMES TO TURN computer lab immediately and YOUR FUCKING MUSIC find someone who looks like DOWN - WHY CAN’T they need some horizontal time. YOU TAKE A HINT?? GET They’ve probably been A GLASS OF WATER, practicing every day, alone, for TAKE YOUR RIDELIN OR just such a situation. YOUR OTHER A.D.D (I really don’t want to know MEDICINE, AND READ what, or should I say “who” CAREFULLY: SHUT ... goes down at the gay pride THE ... FUCK ... UP ... AND ... GO ... TO ... parade HELL!!! Sincerely, the girl PATTYCAKE Happy 21st who lives below you. Birthday tomorrow. I hope you enjoy tonight. Winnie’s counsin. (Ya know what they say: “if it’s too loud for ya, your too (The Targum is retarded. much of a lesbian and The Targum charges $10 should concentrate more on for the same stupid shit that sucking dicks” or somewe publish for free!) thing like that?

HEY LADIES!!! to all those hot easy girls that live on the CAC campus. why don’t you ever come to busch. it really doesn’t smell that bad all the time i swear. i have a huge dick and it needs to be sucked. am willing to come to you but due to my laziness i would prefer you coming to me. thanks call the cellular communications device anytime. p.s you suck McGreevey (C’mon man, let’s be honest with ourselves. Busch is infested with Indians who smell of curry, and Asians with their small penises. Although I did rather enjoy the random sucking of McGreevey.)

I really have tried to stray from any kind of political humor, but “Hotty McHottness” Ben Schachtman said if I put in some stupid shit about the war, I would get head from him. So here it is and send your personals to olsentwins@seductive.com


Personals Personals www.slutgers.com : Now with a cheap ass buddy icon for your enjoyment. (WHERE, WHERE?!?! I WANT ONE! I WANT ONE! i need it to add to my slutgers collection...) To that dumbass whore in my monday 6th: when wearing low rider jeans without underwear, don’t get upset if I walk up behind you and stick my large, fat cock straight up your ass. if you don’t wanna look like a sorostitute, put on some panties or wear pants that actually fit you. just cause it’s hot outside doesn’t mean you are. bitch. (I must say, it’s certainly a blessing in disguise, this low-rider jean/thong combo deal...well, I guess it’s not really a disguised blessing...more like an overtly, make me praise god daily blessing.) to 8 of the best girls ever SAVANNAH 2003 WHAT WHAT!!! BEADS FATHERS BEADS FATHERS! Are you my dad? Gimme some beads! Stevie Nips, coming to a lounge near you get ready for the RWRFC! www.themedium.net

“no regrets about the woman who ran away, but a small thorn still pricks the heart”

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

To My Fellow Asians On Busch, I Would Like To Say To You All: HAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHAGood Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job HAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks HAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow ChinksHAHAHA Good Job Fellow Chinks (this message has been truncated cause I don’t feel like formatting it, dick) if your roomate’s gay and he doesn’t know it, clap your hands...*clap clap*...stop you guys are retarted. that poem leaving your gay shit out, you in last weeks personnels spelled big gay bastard. out fuck you, but you dudes didnt even notice it. what a waste. (_)0(_) <===8

The Medium is holding its annual talent show this Wednesday in LSC room 111 at 9:30. Miss Jenni Baxter, winner for the past 3 years, will be performing her famous flexibility act again, and she promises to be difficult to beat. If you’ve got what it takes, come on down. If you just wanna watch, that’s cool too.

(that’s lovely...i’m glad we’re “retarted” and our “personnels” are stupid. or maybe we realized that, and that’s why we thought it was absolutely hysterical? why don’t you learn to spell instead of spending your time making penises out of equal signs and the number 8. jackass.)

Send us email...you know you want to. We might even send one back, if you’re a dumbass and don’t use your eden account...the address is olsentwins@seductive.com, in case you forgot...suckers.

To the cunt who Ratted Optimus out, when I find out who you are, I am going to hunt you down and do you in the ass just like how they in Oz. And once im done tearing your ass apart, Im going to raise hell and suicide bomb your family. One More thing To L:Were you born an asshole or did you not get any from your priest last night? (Part 1: the first rule of optimus is: you do not talk about optimus. the second rule of optimus: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT OPTIMUS. part 2: this laymil fellow is one popular sir.) Hey firecrotch: thanks for the coolest present ever from spain. i’ll always cherish my little bedsheet man...and i want to have your babies.

To My Gay Roommate: You are not from China.Stop Pretending to be a Chink. Even the whities next door are Chinkier than you. Please stop it. You are only making asians look bad. Stop pretending to write in Chinese. We all know you are illiterate. You are a ricer. You think you are asian just because you watch hentai. Stop it.And Most of all, stop jizzing on the floor when I am not around! (what has this world come to when a fob can’t even be asian? come on...this is awful. i know too many whiteasians to consider it a healthy trend. start being racist, drinking sapporo, and souping up your hondas, my fellow Busch immigrants! our time is nigh!) http://www.wkyc.com/news/ news_fullstory.asp?id=3828 for related optimus prime news. and i quote: “I got a letter from a general at the Pentagon when the name change went through and he says it was great to have the employ of the commander of the Autobots in the National Guard.” read it. to the gay roomate: don’t leave your shit-covered rubbers lying around where we can smell them. you’re the biggest tool ever. love - the roomies

To the fat fucking hippopotomus of Q2. You are a sorry fat ugly disgusting excuse for a rhinoserus. You filthy gutter slut, here are a list of names we humor ouselves with of you: WILBUR, SASQUATCH, BEEFALLO, S N U F F Y , SNUFFULUFIGOUS, MISS PIGGY, OX, BUTCH, RALPHY, BIG FOOT, THE GRINCH WHO STOLE FATNESS, ONE EYED ONE HORNED FAT ASS MUFF EATER, ROTTEN CROTCH, SWAMP THING, BULL MOOSE, CHEWBACCA, BOOGER, BEEF CURTAIN, BEARDED WOMAN, AND FAT FUCKING FILTHY I CAN’T BELIEVE ITS NOT PUSSY DONKEY DICK. HOPE THAT DILDO KEEPS YOU COMFORT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T GET SHIT. ENJOY THE “MY TIME” DIKE. To infinity broadcasting: I’m STILL FUCKING PISSED that I can’t hear my ron and fez or OnA anymore. late 2004, baby...OnA make a glorious comeback. attention white people of the world: stop the invasion! stop immigration! prevent illegal aliens in your local community. a message from the local white trash


Wednesday, March 26, 2003

“don't listen to him...he's a good man, but he's not quite right in the head”

Personals Personals

To quad 1 cowboy. I wanna ride you all night. From quad 2 cowgirl (in the spirit of cowboys, there’s a nice cowboy bebop photoshop from some website i found. someone’s gotta keep the tradition alive...) If you’ve sucked a bunch of rugby dicks in spain, and you enjoyed it but don’t have the phone numbers cause you lost the piece of paper, then you’re probably a firecrotch.

if you’re looking for anal sex, call dave’s roommate. To my ex girlfriend: told you my test results last issue. clear on the herpes, but got the HIV. what i neglected to tell you is that you can add the syph, gonnorea, and warts to that list. www.themedium.net www.ronfez.net My spring break was awesome! i got laid by 72 different midgets!

(i bet she’s got good deepthroat skills too........not that I’d know, or anything.) It's a good thing most people bleed on the inside or this To the NEW Air Hockey would really be a gory, bloodmaster, Your reflexes are keen. smeared earth. Better than any FM’s I’ve (yay for go ask alice.) seen. You are cool and I love to the two fine ladies on the your style. Want to hang out in second floor-i touch myself a little while? From the everytime i think about the two FORMER Air Hockey master of you. how about you two (the air hockey champion- come by, and we have a nice ships already passed?! wholesome threesome. ‘till DAMMIT! I AM NUMBER then, i’ll be waiting in my room, ONE! oh well, another day, fantasizing about happily dickin another dollar fifty blowjob.) the two of you all fucking day. www.slutgers.com - spreading love, the guy with the cool shirt faster than an STD. (dude, the only reason they’re talking to you is cause you have a cool shirt...the second you take it off, you’re NOTHING to them. i’d suggest wearing it until you die, no matter how smelly or dirty it gets.)

I don’t really feel strongly either way about the war. What I do feel strongly about, however, is the construction of many many more signs such as the one above. It’s signs like that one that will make the government change its mind about the “aggressive action” it’s taking and go back to getting bj’s.

To my fucking roommate: If you ever EVER wake me up again talking on the phone at 8:30 when I have a 1:10 class I’m going to take that phone and shove it up your tight virgin ass. (why don’t you just shove your cock up his ass, like you do on your drunken friday nights? silly homo...) Sorostitutes from D.C. give bad head. (Rutgers sorostitutes are attention all you cum-guzzling, pretty good at anal, but they anal loving college ave whores: need like, 8 beers...and a now that the weather has good de-lousing!) warmed up, i expect to see all to my smelly indian roomaate: of your titties and asses hang- fuck you! stop eating your ing out of what little pieces of curry, you smell ybasard! i string you call bikini tops and don’t care if its good for canbooty shorts. if you ever want cer, i ahte you. i can’t drink to get fucked by a man, rather enough in a day to make msyelf than those wimpy frat queers, i feel better about living with you. suggest you send an email to the only reaosn i can live with studlyfucker@eden. if you you is the fact that you have big wear a white thong, i’ll con- teets, and i love you. sider it a peace offering, and (wow...just wow.) i’ll try to keep my crabs out of your pubes. love, snagglepuss to my wodka guzzling physics teacher: can i rub it, yar? you’re certainly a stranger to the shower. i’m glad you’re so proficient with the right hand rule, though, just ask the other two course coordinators (who really teach the course). why can’t webassign be practicing the right hand rule? (you know, i know the right hand rule pretty well myself. in fact, i’ve been practicing it every night since i was 14.

To the crew members that squatted in my apartment over spring break: thanks for leaving the place a shithole. I had to clean a week’s worth of piss and pubes off the toilet and out of the bathtub, along with an “unknown white substance” that i’d guess was the product of the sausage party you guys threw. it was ok, tho, when your mom came to help me clean up. i popped her the dirty sanchez while she screamed out your name, you sick inbred, diseased fucks. next time, show some goddamn common courtesy and pull your asshairs from the drain, and don’t leave semen in the tub. learn to wipe yourselves, cause your mom had a hard time licking the shit off of my toilet bowl. by the way, if you sat on that bowl instead of squatting, i’d suggest going to the local clinic and getting tested for herpes, crabs, and the clap. love, your rentors.

This picture just makes me kinda hungry...I just think about pancakes, and milk.


What’s Shakin’

“Dolly = good. Hernia = bad.”

Wednesday, March 26th, 2003

New York Wed 3/26 - DJ Krush - Irving Plaza Wed 3/26 - No Knife, Cursive - Bowery Ballroom Wed 3/26 - Allman Brothers Band - Beacon Theater Wed 3/26 - Kindred - S.O.B.’s Thur 3/27 - Peaches, stellastarr* - Knitting Factory Fri 3/28 - Kelly Osbourne, Har Mar Superstar Irving Plaza Fri 3/28 - Zwan - Hammerstein Ballroom Fri 3/28, Sat 3/29 - Roberta Flack - B.B. King’s Blues Club & Grill Sat 3/29, Sun 3/30 - Dan Bern - Bowery Ballroom Tue 4/1 - Concrete Blonde, Twinemen - Irving Plaza Tue 4/1, Wed 4/2 - Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Bowery Ballroom Wed 4/2 - All-American Rejects - Irving Plaza Thur 4/3 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Bowery Ballroom Sun 4/6 - Nerf Herder - The Continental Sun 4/6 - Common - Roseland Ballroom

Come to a Medium meeting and play with robot...uh...parts. yeah... (god, why do i even try anymore)

It’s at 9:30 tonight at room 111 of the Livingston Student Center. so be there or be...um...circular. (someone please kill me)

cute

birdies

Anti-War Concert Wednesday in front of Brower Commons 2PM -12AM

little

New Jersey Wed 3/26 - Mars Needs Women, The Youth Ahead - The Saint Thur 3/27 - Slobberbone, Jeremy Wallace Maxwell’s Thur 3/27 - Sum 41 - Livingston Student Center Thur 3/27 - Cave-In, Piebald, The Damn Personals - Birch Hill Thur 3/27 - Live - Brookdale Community College Fri 3/28 - Queens of the Stone Age, Rye Coalition - Convention Hall Fri 3/28 - Holly Golightly - Maxwell’s Sat 3/29 - John Wesley Harding, Mary Timony - Maxwell’s Sat 3/29 - Mindless Self Indulgence - Krome Wed 4/2 - Antigone Rising, Marc Broussard - Maxwell’s Thur 4/3 - Hot Hot Heat - Maxwell’s Fri 4/4 - All-American Rejects, Hot Hot Heat - Birch Hill Fri 4/4 - Boy Sets Fire - Krome http://www.themedium.net


03/26/03