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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
The Medium Proudly Presents:
SPRING 2008 SUBMISSION CONTEST THE RULES: The ﬁrst 20 people who submit content will receive an autographed copy of Dr. Zdrok’s new book: Dr. Z On Scoring. How to Pick Up, Seduce and Hook Up with Hot Women
Also Inside: The Medium Gets a Checkup From Dr. Victoria Check out the full Interview with the Playboy Playmate and Penthouse Pet of The Year Don’t miss! Pictures of Victoria enjoying her favorite Rutgers newspaper, The Medium! We’re not fucking around. This is for real. Check out www.themedium.net for complete contest rules.
Studies Prove That This Could Be the Last Time Girl Gets Cheated On By Krunkle Kick Jennifer Leigh, a Rutgers College Junior, can ﬁnally/maybe rest assured tonight in the fact that scientists have ofﬁcially concluded that Tuesday was probably the last time her boyfriend would cheat on her. “We have statistically proven that [Leigh’s] boyfriend probably won’t have the drive or determin tion necessary to ﬁnd another one-night stand,” says
head scientist Randolph Richardson. The boyfriend in question here is Bobby Michaels, a Livingston College Senior and a self-described “Vag-net” and avid party attendee. Tuesday marked the 22nd time Bobby has cheated on Leigh who is said to be an “Ice Cunt” in the eyes of Bobby’s friends. Leigh had contacted Richardson a few days ago to conduct research on his
cheating patterns and Richardson has made an ofﬁcial conclusion. “The number of horny, clean, and moderately drunk girls is decreasing every time Bobby gets laid, at this rate, Bobby’s sex life will degrade to a level where a simple accidental bump against his genitals will send him into a wild, thrashing orgasm,” explained Richardson. “We believe that
Bobby will eventually have to return to a quasi-faithful relationship between him and Jennifer unless of course, he just goes to a different party instead of that one next door to his house.” Plus, scientists have determined that Michaels has been given “a balls load” of STD’s from Friday night’s conquest which might slow him down. As of the publication of this story,
“Now with 5% less bullshit”
Bobby still hasn’t received medical treatment, despite his foot falling off but we’re pretty sure that it’ll be ﬁne as long as he takes some Motrin. (Ed. note: Any clean, horny, and moderately drunk girl is more than welcome at our meeting tonight at 9.15pm in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. Condoms will be provided.)
Wednesday, March 5th 2008
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”--Goldie Hawn
Why I Hate Engineering By: Little Naughty Bagels
It’s that time of year again, when the skies are a constant death-gray and everyone walks around with their heads down while trying to avoid the goose shit while walking to SERC or ARC (that’s the As-
sociation of Retarded Citizens, for all of you who aren’t familiar).
It’s also the time of year when SAD (seasonal affective disorder) kicks in, and I begin to question what the hell I’m doing here on the taint of America’s scrotum, a.k.a. New Brunswick. This is the time of year I hate most, because spring classes have its erratic midterm schedule which makes my life even more hectic, and makes me wonder why the hell I’m in the School of Engineering. Sure, other majors have it just as bad: such as anyone in Mason Gross School of Tap Dance or anyone who had to take Suicidal Accounting/Soul Selling 491. But let me explain, nay, rant, to you—the reader—why engineering is complete bullshit: Reason #1: Calc 5-(For
all readers who are not accustomed to RU math programs, the difference between Calc 4 and 5 is that in Calc 4 you battle your personal demons and in Calc 5 you battle real demons, blindfolded, while ice-skating backwards atop a pool of molten lava—if it sounds impossible, it’s because it is).
For those of you who read personals, you can tell it’s an ongoing struggle with the stupid bullshit that is Cal-
culus. As a Mechanical and Aerospace engineer, I have to complete Calc 5 to graduate. Many of you probably didn’t even realize an undergraduate Calculus course went up that high. You know what we have learned thus far? In this ﬁrst month, I have “learned” about Laplace Transformations and Fourier series. Don’t know what that is? That makes two of us. Go to Wikipedia and attempt to wrap your mind around it. What does that have to do with real life? Honestly? Nothing. I can’t possibly imagine a situation, upon my graduation, where my boss will ask me to ﬁnd the inverse Laplace Transform of a function, and have it on his desk, stapled, by 5:00 (Bagels has
obviously never worked at McDonald’s, where Laplace Transforms are utilized in order to ensure proper salt distribution). Reason #2: On the Job Training-(There was another
reason to his argument but it really doesn’t matter, just like none of his classes matter...)
Did you know that roughly 90% of your future careers work will be taught to you on the job? As stated above, there will never be a situation where you have to remember anything from college. If you’re a normal human being enrolled in an accredited (or not) university, most of your time would/should be spent sleeping, a drunk/high stupor, or anything else entirely antiproductive. What did you do
on Friday night? I’ll bet most of you were out playing beer pong with friends, or gobbling down some fat sandwiches. What did I do last Friday? Oh, well, I studied Thermodynamics and its Measurements (he’s capitalizing those
names because they are also found in the bible, unlike the word bible itself). Yeah. Call me a party animal (well, maybe next time you should study thermodynamics in the nude covered in petroleum jelly...) Conclusion: Engineering is stupid. Maybe I’m just stupid; it’s a deﬁnite possibility (yes). I’m still wondering as to why/how I was accepted into the program my senior year of high school (considering he dropped out due to an unexpected pregnancy). I mean, yes, college does have its advantages of course...like...and then...and there’s always that. But for the most part, there are only a few things that really matter one you get to the working world: Are you sexy? Do
you have big tits? Will you put out? You know, useful things like that. All college really does is secure you a mind-numbing job for the rest of your natural life. Did you know that your GPA doesn’t even matter(well, except to graduate)? Engineering blows and I can’t wait to get the hell out of New Brunswick. Onward! (My chicken pita tastes like bacon...)
MOVIE OF THE WEEK: OVERBOARD For all of you readers out there who love a good war drama, this is your ﬂick. Goldie Hawn portrays a troubled-FDR, who is making the precarious decision to enter WWII, as well as being a closet cross-dresser. His wife, the First Lady, is played by Kurt Russell, so that her manliness is accurately represented. The ﬁlm follows FDR on a trip to England to inspect the damage being brought upon it by Nazi bombers. Along the way, their ship is sunk by a UBoat. FDR then gains super human powers by being exposed to radioactive chemicals on the ocean bottom. He uses his powers to generate atom bombs, which he uses to blow up Japan and Adolf Hitler to single-handedly end the War. I recommend this ﬁlm for anyone who enjoy movies which are historically accurate. Goldie Hawn is convincing as she plays a crippled former present with a knack for wearing women’s clothes. Kurt Russell is a charming Eleanor Roosevelt, and equally appealing as his costar. It’s a wonder it didn’t win an Oscar.
The Gay Agenda By Supersex Fantastic It has been speculated that homosexual couples are trying to demolish the institutions of marraige through guerilla tactics. One of our un-
dercover reporters from our conglomerates in San Francisco has new information which suggests that gay males are inﬁltrating career ﬁelds that are typically
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Opinions Arts Victoria Zdrok Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Cover by: Tig Ole Bitties
Who’s In My Mouth?
only occupied by women, such as interior design and horticulture (ﬂowers...) in order to subversively deny straight couples their services, thus ruining the wedding and creating bri-
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
dezillas which rampage local towns, devour their own young, fund the Iraq War, contribute to the the global AIDS epidemic, and cause childhood obesity.
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Supersex Fantastic Kah-Lai Colin Fong Tim Horton Al P. Barbara Reed
Personals Editors Corey Fineman Ryan Barton Photographer Helen Ortiz What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Alison Fisher Advertising Manager Gary Klimowicz Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The ofﬁce of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to fellating Bozo the Clown when you were 5 so you could be on his creepyass horrible show. Boing!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
ARTS “YOU CANT CATCH A BAT WITH A POT, MORON!”
UPER SLUTTY SUPER HERO HOOTINANY
By Meat Head Sandwich
THE COMBINED SUPER FORCES THAT CREATE THE MEDIUM EACH WEEK ARE SO AMAZING, THAT WE KNOW YOUR FABVORITE SUPER HEROES “PERSONALLY “ SO WE KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT HOWTO SAVE THE DAY , AND HOW TO SAVE IT FUCKING RIGHT. JUST LIKE THE SECRET BEHIND THE SCENES WORLD OF YOUR FAVORITE HEROES, WE SAVE YOUR DAY, EVERY WEDNESDAY, AND WE SAVE IT N-N-NAKED! CAN YOU FIND: + ASSORTED DONGS +A PIZZA SLICE +A BUNSON BURNER +A SQUIRTING GINER +A HOTDOG +SPIDEY SHOOTING HIS “WEB” +AEON FLUX +QUAILMAN +THOR’S HELMET +CAPTAIN AMERICA’S SYMBOL +CAT WOMAN’S PUSSYCAT +A RABID MIGHTY MOUSE +THE FLASH FLASHING YOU +BATMAN AND ROBIN NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NAIING
MY LOYAL MEDIUM READERS! CLING TENACIOUSLY TO MY BUTTOCKS AND SEND YOUR JOYOUSLY POWDERED SUBMISSIONS TO
ARTS@TheMedium.n! ....... ARE YOU CLINGING TENACIOUSLY TO MY BUTTOCKS!?
THE MEDIUM Gary: Hello there medium readers this is Gary Klimowicz, Business Manager of The Medium. We are here with Dr. Victoria Zdrok, she’s been a Playboy Playmate and Penthouse Pet of The Year. We’re gonna have a little interview with you. Dr. Victoria Zdrok: Yes, about my illustrious career in posing for adult magazines, it’s called my creative ﬁnancing of my very expensive and extensive graduate education. Don’t recommend that one for those of you, take out student loans instead (laughs) G: So I assume you’re a very avid and strong reader of The Medium, so what is your favorite section? V: uhh. G: SYKE!!! V: (laughs) G: So, you know of Dr. Ruth, another sex therapist, would you go toe to toe in a ﬁght with Dr. Ruth for the title of the Greatest Sex therapist? Don’t let the fact that Dr. Ruth was an Israeli sniper affect your decision V: I totally would, although I think we would be on the same side, that’s the thing. I don’t think, because it’s hard to get confrontational with Dr. Ruth, she is deﬁnitely more passive in a ﬁght. Although I’ll tell you a story of how I ﬁrst met Dr. Ruth. I was at the Playboy Party back when I was only in my second year of graduate school and, there was Hugh Hefner there and also this guy from New York’s Show “New York’s Last Call”, and he was dressed in pajamas, he wanted to be the next Hugh Hefner. So he comes up to Dr. Ruth, and he says: “I’m going to be the next Hugh Hefner, I’m wearing pajamas, so now, so now I wanna have lots of women; and I’m gonna start with this girl.” And I’m standing there. And he goes: “give me advice, I need advice on how I can sleep with her tonight.” And we have all these cameras there, Entertainment tonight, and... everybody. And everybody is waiting for this amazing sound advice on how to hook up with any woman. And she looks at him, she looks at me, then him again; and she says “I give you very good advice, masturbate to her picture in the privacy of your home!” So that was her deep, deep advice. And that was my ﬁrst encounter with Dr. Ruth. But yeah, I could take on just about any expert. G: What inspired you to pursue your education to such a high degree? V: Well I come from a family of intellectuals. My was a PHD in Russia it was called ‘Pedogogical Science’ which is education basically and she wrote curricula for schools and she worked for a pedogocial institute as well. My father is a photo journalist, he took photos and wrote stories, kind of what you guys are doing, so I come from this whole intellectual family. When I was seven years old, I would write a dissertation, as a matter of fact, that was my favorite role play, a dissertation writing (laughs). I would pick a topic, and I would concoct a 3-4 page dissertation which I would present to my mother. And of course, psychology was always my passion, and when I came to this country, I got interested in law, because I felt the reason this country is so great is partly based in legal principles. So I got interested in 1st amendment rights, and I decided to combine law and psychology. Also because I’m greedy (laughs), I like a lot out of life. G: What drove you into modeling after you completed your initial studies? V: Well, I always call myself, an accidental centerfold, I never wanted to be a model, (laughs) I still don’t want to be a model (laughs). What happened is, I came here as an exchange student for one year. And I tried to extend it cause, you know, nobody wanted to go back to the soviet union, gimme a break. So I contacted this pro bono who dealt with immigration, and the attorney tried
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
“Dude, Boob City!”
to extend it but he couldn’t. But then he offered to marry me instead, so I ended up getting married at 17, partly because I was a lost soul in this country, and partly to get my citizenship. And I got my B.A. at 18, at 19 I started my PHD, at the second year of the program, I discovered I no longer want to be married (laughs). There was on problem, I had no means of supporting myself. I wanted to remain in graduate school. I started modeling because I could get quick money, I was modeling for clothing ads in Philadelphia. A photographer ﬁrst submitted my photos [to Playboy]. Then later on I was in Chicago for a psychological convention and a scout came up to me and suggested I pose for playboy again. So it came up several times, I told my friends “I had two people suggest I pose for Playboy”, and they said, “Oh no way, you’d never get it.” So I ended up sending my pictures in on a bet. And two weeks later I was shooting for playboy before I could even think. And of course, the $25,000 helped out cause I was able to leave my marriage. So it was accidental. G: You are a lawyer, psychologist, sex therapist, you speak six languages, So what is your weakness? V: My weakness is cooking. I can’t cook at all. I can’t even boil an egg. I couldn’t ﬁgure out if you boil the water ﬁrst or boil them together, so I decided to microwave it (laughs) and they blew up, so that was it for the cooking experience. G: So you were qualiﬁed as a sex therapist at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School V: Yes G: Was that in New Brunswick? V: Yes, with doctor Sandra Leiblum G: Now, about your book, What is the fourth thing a woman notices about a guy? V: The fourth, wow, you really make me think, well I would say his smile. The ﬁrst would be his gait, eye contact is second, body posture would be number three. Fourth would be his expression, his smile. I always say “guys who don’t smile don’t get laid G: Speaking of getting laid, What is the ideal penis width length and color? V: There isn’t an ideal size, that’s what I talk about in my book. It’s not about the size its about the ﬁt. Some people ﬁt better than others. Because, believe it or not, the vaginal canal differs from woman to woman, it’s not only shape and size, but also angle. Some people, because of the curvature of the penis actually ﬁt better. So there isn’t an ideal. But I would say from 4-6 inches when erect is most preferable to women. Because it is comfortable to most women, also there’s the most variety of things you can do with the average [size]. Also 90% of guys are average so, the law of averages is rule here. And in terms of color, it doesn’t matter. G: So its true that it’s not the size that counts, but the motion in the ocean? V: Yes, and you actually ﬁnd you ﬁt with some people better than others. There’s, guys who write to me in my column and they’ll complain that they have a curve this way, but it is a matter of ﬁnding position in which you can use the curvature to
your advantage, So you hit certain spots... and the women I interviewed for the book say that the size doesn’t matter. What does matter to most women is the ability to last longer. Because according to statistics, the average American man lasts under 4 minutes. And it takes the average American woman, 1015 [minutes] to reach an orgasm. So we have a crucial 8 minute gap there. So the ability to last is the most important, the good news is that guys can train themselves to do it with a little effort, I talk about that in the book. G: what is one quality that makes a guy a good lover, besides knowing where to put his tongue? V: (laughs)I would say sensuousness, and what I mena by that is most guys, they don’t know how to touch, they’re too rough. That’s the number 1 complaint that women have. Guys just kind of grab, they don’t know how to soﬂy caress. So being sensuous is about starting with a very soft touch. The french call it: blah blah. Because it has to have a cute french term for something so cool. It’s called ‘spiders leg’s’: you start off with a very soft touch, it’s so soft that it touches just the hairs on the skin, and then you work it out as the woman gets more aroused to a more persistent touch; to the point of where you feel the resistance to the skin. And that’s the sensuousness, most guys just grab, they don’t really know how to caress. And that’s what makes, in my experience and other women’s experience, a difference in being a good lover. G: Does being an asshole make a man more attractive to women, or is that just in movies and T.V.? V: Just on movies and T.V., there’s a part of ‘the asshole’ and if you break down different qualities; the ‘bad boy’ side, which I talk about in the book, there’s sort of a spontaneity and risk taking, and that is the part that’s attractive. Somebody who is a little spontaneous, risk taking, sensation seeking there is a certain allure to that. And of course, the ‘asshole’ a lot of times, has a good sense of humor, and a sense of humor is deﬁnitely something that attracts women. But being a sexist jerk, that doesn’t turn women on, that just makes good Hollywood scripts. G: In your book, do you address dating and hooking up in the 21st century with the advent of social networking sites? V: Brieﬂy, but I feel like most people don’t need help in that arena. It’s so easy and it’s not scary to e-mail someone. I think most guys have problems actually approaching women in person and talking to them, and the more time they spend on the internet and chatting in chat rooms the harder it is to actually meet women face to face. I don’t go into detail because I wanted to focus on the actual approach ,on getting over the rejection anxiety, and the actual conversation, the art of socialization/conversation.
“...masturbate to her picture in the privacy of your own home.”
Wednesday, Smarch 5th, 2008
“How many people can say they’ve seen a famous woman’s boobs in person, seriously”
G: Do you see hooking up going more on the internet, or staying how it is? V: I think it will stay how it is, there’s still a lot to be said about just approaching somebody. You see an attractive woman, the one that ﬁts your prototype, and you have a few seconds to come up and talk to her. I think it’s important not to take advantage of the seriousness of encounters. There’s only so much that can be done on the internet. Also, there’s a lot of lies on the internet, and it could be quite time consuming. The other thing is that there is a lot to be said about personal chemistry, the kind that you can only get with face to face interactions. People prefer to begin with the internet, but they eventually have to have a face to face encounter to really ﬁnd out if they have a connection. G: How long have you been working on this book? V: It took me a year to write it, but I’ve been collecting the data for years because I’ve been modeling, obviously, for about 12-15 years, and I would encounter beautiful women, meet their boyfriends and they would be average or below average looking guys. And at the same time I would encounter social beliefs that that all gorgeous women end up with millionaires and movie stars, well it’s not true, they end up with average guys, at least 90% of them. So over time we would just chat, and I always wanted to know: What attracted this particular woman to this particular guy? So I’ve had the data for a long time. G: So that’s where the idea for this book came from? V: Yeah but initially I wanted to call it something like ‘What Women Want’ but my publisher told me that he though it wasn’t catchy enough. G: Also, you don’t want Mel Gibson on your ass. V: Well I don’t know if he can copyright what women want, or what sexy women want. But [the publisher] thought it wasn’t speciﬁc enough. But the book is more broad than that, it’s about what it is that women ﬁnd attractive in men. G: Will you be writing more books in the future? V: I’m working on the next one. It’s a Dr. Z series, the next one’s called, Dr Z. on Strain “The Ultimate Guide to Modern Inﬁdelity”, it’s going to deal with why people cheat, what are the reasons, what are the signs, is there such thing as a cheating personality, how do you know if your partner’s cheating, what to do if you catch them cheating, all kinds of stuff like that and how to deal. Of course with the internet, that facilitated inﬁdelity. Cheating has evolved at an all time high, and what really constitutes cheating? Is phone sex or chatroom sex considered cheating, where does it cross the line? G: What is your opinion of guidos? V: Guidos? Well, um. G: Well, here is a visual aid. V: There’s a lid for every pot, not my type. Some woman like the men with gold chains, muscles, fake tan. Not my type but certainly popular with some woman. G: Do you believe that a couple watching pornographic movies together, do you believe that’s good or bad for a relationship? V: I think it’s a good idea, it depends on what kind of movies, they have to be obviously the kind that are interesting to both men and women. I recommend Candida Royalle ﬁlms because they’re speciﬁcally targeted for couples and for women because most pornography is targeted to men. There is no plot, there is a crude progression, not enough forplay, so Candida, all her ﬁlms are speciﬁcally targeted for women, it’s like a romance novel type of plot so there’s a lot of ambience, foreplay, they’re very sensuous ﬁlms, but there’s also enough hardcore action to satisfy a guy. He might get a little bored, but I think couples watching pornography together is a good idea but it has to appeal to both the male and the women, not something the women is doing to please her man. G: Do you think women like pornography just as much as
men, or less? V: Studies have shown that women get turned on just as much as men but again different images, for women there has to be some plot, an element of romance, different stimuli for arousal. Why are romance novels so popular, there is a new form called romantica that are very explicit romance novels that are consumed by housewives. All the porn out there for centuries has been targeted to men and the way they see things. Deﬁnitely Candida Royalle ﬁlms are something that women love. G: What about open relationships, couples that engage in threesomes, swingers, are they more or less healthy couples? V: Well, actually I did a column once for Penthouse and I looked up all kinds of research, and research shows that those couples that are swingers actually show better relationship satisfaction and overall trust and communication then those who are not. Of course this is a correlation and it doesn’t imply causation, so we don’t know if the couples that already have good communication and trust end up swinging, or is the act of being in an open relationship causes them to develop better trust and they are better, adjusted. G: Do you foresee yourself ever doing nude modeling in the future? V: You now what? If there is a right opportunity for it, I’m a material girl and we live in a material world, I might, at this point I feel that I’ve done enough that it can’t possibly damage my future career, I love to work out, I’m proud of my body and I like to take care of it so there is a bit of a exhibitionist, so if the right opportunity presents. G: PS3, XBOX360, or Wii? V: 360 G: 360? Do you own one? V: I like them. I don’t own one, my sister does. G: Say one of your works is being redone on Broadway, would you consider reprising your role on Broadway in a stage production of ‘Lesbians in Lust’. V: Yeah, why not? G: Have you seen the 2 girls 1 cup video? V: What is that about, some peeing fetish, puking?
G: Worse than that. V: There’s nothing at this point that can surprise me, I get all types of pictures from guys describing their craziest fetishes. So nothing in this world can shock me. G: It’s about 2 lesbian lovers who are engaging in defecating in each others mouth, eating the defecation. V: That’s called corporal fagia fetish, there’s a scientiﬁc term for it. I was recently asked to deﬁne which fetishes are considered socially acceptable everything from bondage to discipline to foot fetishes and I described corporal fagia as something that is not part of social norms. G: What is your opinion of gay marriages? V: I also researched that, and I found that they’re pretty much just as stable as heterosexual marriages, so why not? I think to me, sexuality is not a dichotomy it’s a continuum and gay or straight you can lie anywhere along there. G: Do you think your attractiveness played a role in getting such a higher education? V: Well it’s funny because people think that it’s actually made it easier, it’s more like a double edged sword, I would say that the degree kind of helped if professors liked you, if you missed an exam they were a little more lenient, but when it gets to the graduate part, I found that my dissertation committee was a lot tougher on me because somehow they had to prove to the whole university that they weren’t giving me a PhD because I was a Playboy Playmate. At one point I had a seventy page dissertation and they made me rewrite it on a different topic. It was very rigorous and the committee wanted to prove that they weren’t just doing it for a pretty face. Sometimes, you get some leniency and sometimes you have to ﬁght the societal stereotype of a dumb blonde. G: What has been the most rewarding experience in your career, besides this interview? V: In my modeling career or my academic career? G: One from each. V: Well, I was called from the New York Times magazine to ask me who I think is sexier, ‘Obama or Hillary?’. But how many people are going to be considered an expert enough to decide between the two? I must have made it as a sexpert. These magazines are calling me asking me who I think is sexier and who I would sleep with. So then, that was a really cool highlight. In terms of my modeling career I won pet of the year at the age of 30, that was kind of neat. It’s a very tough industry, there’s a lot of lookism and ageism and sex appeal has always been associated with very young women, 18, 20 years of age and after 25 you’re not sexy anymore. So it was great that I got to beat all the 18 year olds, I was 30 and I already had a kid and it was a cool moment. G: This concludes our questions and our interview. V: Ok. That was fun. G: Thank you very much for sitting down with us and happy reading, Medium readers.
(Note: This interview has been edited for length. It has been formatted to ﬁt on your television screen.)
THE MEDIUM Dude, quit dicking around and write the fucking answer on the board. Fuck this IROR shit. To the chick that asked for directions on where to ﬁnd metered parking: Yeah, my directions may have sucked, but when I say take a left, and you take a right, well...then it ain’t my problem no more. (Remember in elementary school where you make an L with your thumb and index ﬁnger, and whichever has the L is your left? It’s ok to do that behind the wheel.) I think the guy who did the music for the Terminator movie deserves an award for best musical score. That synth is soooo good. And when I say good I mean cheesy. I know it’s been said, and I’m probably stealing a quote from a friend of a friend, but the best part in that movie is the music during the police headquarters scene. (The Terminator is so emo in all those movies. He’s constantly slashing his wrists and arms open for “repairs.” He’s a machine, slashing your wrists doesn’t repair the world like it does for emo kids.) dear Courtney, um.. i noticed that you had David Gray’s Babalon on your sleep/chill playlist. I also have embarrassing brit pop on mine. Would you like to get some fair trade coffee sometime? Sincerely the boy in the american apparel hoodie
“It’s high in ﬁber, it had me shittin’ in the shower for an hour!” Sar, I would never make Fred, you sure you want fun of you for your ac- to use your razor? Corey, cent. No punch line here. you need to calm down. Next personal! Dude, DK, why do you He’s a great teacher, make me fall asleep every great! But, his pants class? Are you secretly the The sandare just a liiiiiittle too sandman? man uses a mac. short. I gotta take off points on his evaluation at the end of the s e m e s t e r . To the budget appeal people: c’mon. C’moooooon. (That would be awesome. C’mon, I know you’re Just say nothing about the reading this and smiling. class and just talk solely Just a few extra dollars? about his short pants. That No? Ok, ﬁne. No more for you. way he gets all self-con- personals scious and buys new pants before next semester.) To the budget appeal people: For realsies, help To my beer: won’t you a brother out. I didn’t please taste better so I mean what I said above. don’t look like as much of You know I love you. Esa pussy when I drink you pecially you, with the slowly? I mean, I like sweater vest and gelled some variants of you, hair. Damn you got mostly cider, but if I style. But you’re not ::sigh:: drink more than four interested. of those I feel sick. With your hand on my (Man up dude.) shoulders, a meaningless movement... a movie script They’re making another ending, and the patrons leaving, leaving. spin off to Family Guy. are Wasn’t that just American Dad? I can’t believe there is going to be three shows that I don’t want to watch on TV now.
Wednesday, March 5th 2008 HD-DVD
My rappin name is control volume, cause my ﬂow is steady To everyone surrounding me when I play guitar: my bad. I still suck. I’ll keep working on it, but you’d never know if I got better since I sound like I always suck. At least I’m not that kid outside Hegeman. Oh shit, I didn’t know Ritz Bits had expiration dates?! I’ve been eating two-month-old Ritz bits. What the fuck? Am I going to die now? (I mean think about it: it’s cheese in a box being stored at room temperature. How good can this be?) Complex Fourier Series? Isn’t that a little redundant? Oh wait, it’s a new topic? Oh I’m really fucked now! (Take your calculus humor back to Busch, nerd.)
Is it Spring Break yet? No? Aight, how about now? No? Damnit. Ok, what about now? Now? Now? Shit how long does it take two weeks to pass? Two weeks?! What the fuck! Can I like...make some sort of countdown on Facebook or my AIM proﬁle or something to keep me occupied?
I think it’s an unstated rule in college that when a roommate goes out to eat at the dining hall and one stays behind, that one has some wankin’ to do. God bless eating. (It’s also a safe rule to wait about ﬁve minutes after they leave so you can be sure they don’t come back in for their swipe or keys or something.) I think for the next two weeks it will be impossible for me to be able to sleep as long as I would like to. Thanks world. See ya Spring Break. Contrary to what many think, the best song by Rush is actually “I Think I’m Going Bald”. Who cares that it was put on the CD for ﬁller? It’s r a d i c a l . I never realized how much I suck at poker until I kept folding with like... Ace Nine, Ace Queen, Ace King, you know, shit like that. I always seem to get the Ace and I’m like, meh, it’s a useless card. I’m sure I’m making some people really angry right now knowing that. (Then your and my job is done) dear mason gross printers, thanks for being a piece of shit, no seriously, when it comes down to crunch time, you really know how to fumble under pressure and get the job done wrong. love, all of us at mason gross
F r e c k l e y P e c k er is now online. Hey Corey, how do you spell Manischewitz?
What’s the integral of Don’t worry about your fuck with respect to you? exam this coming week. The exam will be like your home(F(u) + ck) work, actually more like the quizes, except a little hardYo, you all see that De- er, much harder. And worth thklok album? It makes a lot more to your overall fun of metal so much grade than your homework but it’s so good. Some- and quizes. Actually, your one gave it to me as a gift quizes and homework have and it’s fucking awesome. no affect on your overall grade, just the exams. Oh (Unfortunately, there is no and class participation, but Dr. Rockso on the album, so only if you have a nice set of looks like I’m not buying it.) cans. Man I love teaching.
You’ll never guess what my roommate did! Showered! I’m as shocked as you are!
This has gotta be the best/worst glory hole situation ever. You know where else they have glory holes? Livingston Student Center, Room 113. Penises enter at 9:15 PM on Wednesdays. Now you know why some penises have bits of dirt on them and smell like the forest. For every day that you play music in your class and show us videos of airplanes, you get a personal. Over one per week good sir!
dude, close the door after you take a shit. I’m really not interested in your fucking ass stank wafting into the room.
Heheheh, yeah go ﬁgure out how to undo that knot I just did there. Deal with that. Bam. Hey guys, remember when you were little and you used to stick your ﬁnger up your butt and would feel around? (Uhh....no! What in God’s name is fucking wrong with you?!) Hey that’s a cool poster! No, no it isn’t.
Wednesday, Goosestep 5st 2008 Dear Demerest Hall, I think you have ﬁnally made me lose it. I fucking hate you and everyone that lives in here. You are all a bunch of cunts and dickheads who think you are better than sliced bread, but in reality you are all fake, annoying pieces of shit who dont know shit about good weed or how to be normal. Not to mention you are all fuckin ugly as shit, it makes me sick when you talk about who you hooked up with because personaly, i would throw up on myself if i woke up next to any one of you. I do not know why I was put in this dorm, or what I did to deserve this. I sure as hell hope you die and then rot in your respective dorm rooms so I don’t have to worry about running into any of you when I walk in/outside because I would rather shove nails in my eyes then talk to any of your lamefaggot asses for more than thirty seconds. GO FUCK YOURSELVES COS I KNOW THATS THE BEST YOU CAN DO ANYWAY (Damn, back when I knew about Demarest it was just a bunch of hippies, but I take it from your personal that they ‘re just a bunch of Review reading emo fags.)
“I need some memory pills...like ginkoba biloba.”
Why is it that in all of my classes there’s a fuckin indian that never learned how to work a shower? AND why does he always sit behind ME?!? It’s Rapist Creepy! To my friend’s smelly, cunty, brown roommate. First of all, you smell like the inside of my asshole following a night of eating the Indian food at Brower. It’s fucking impossible to enter your room without wanting to cut my dick off and choke to death on it. I’m forever grateful that you are a worthless sack of dog shit that can’t take out the garbage since it masks your horrid stench. Secondly get some fucking sheets. You live like a fucking Jew in the Warsaw Ghetto. It’s fucking pitiful. Another helpful hint. Purchase some Rogaine or something. You shed like my dog. Every time we play pong in your room, the ball ends up looking like a giant, white dingleberry. By the way, we caught you whamming 3 times in the span of one hour last week. Fucking lock the door so I don’t have to smell your gross Indian cock. At least close the door so I don’t have to see you cover your member in curry. Finally, and I cannot stress this enough. You fucking smell like shit. Seriously. I k n o w I already said this, but you fucking reek. Bathe in bleach and/or kill yourself, and make this world a better place.
Come here little kitty, come my way, let me stroke your little belly and there’s n o t h ing more to say. AUGGIE FUCKCAT AND H O T K A R L RULES! 6
. . . Tw o , Three, TEACH US HOW T O BLITZ!!! I think I should get my bunion checked. 6 9 (Sit on my face and tell me thatyou love me
Ok, so here you see David the Gnome fucking Dora the Explorer, pretty pedophilically kinkeh. Want to fuck Dora? Wish you were David the Gnome? You can! Just cuuuuummmm to our meeting tonight at 9.15 pm in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. Gnome cookies and Dora churros will be served.
Clamps To Greg Jacobs: Thank you very much for sharing your Dear Sen. Obama, address, credit card number, I absolutely can’t wait till and phone number while January 20, 2009 when you you were ordering furniture will ofﬁcially be sworn in on your cell phone on the EE as the 44th President of the Thursday. I ordered some United States. I really be- nice stuff online yesterday lieve that you can and will but don’t worry, I might pay turn America around, bring you back within the our troops home, and give week. Thanks Bro! new hope to the American P e o p l e . A big fat FUCK YOU to those pansy dumbass fucks To any Jewish reader...are on the RUSA allocations apple jacks kosher? Because board. If you can’t proI’m sure kellogg’s isnt a nounce the word DEFICIT jewish brand. I only mention correctly, why are you the this because the bitch on the treasurer and handling monLX the other morning was ey? Shouldn’t you encounter eating them faster than that word regularly? It’s like a fat kid gets knocked me pronouncing newspaper out in dodgeball wrong, fucking assholes, (I’m sure the kosher brand I hope you choke on your Apple Jacks wouldn’t rapist dad’s chud and die. taste nearly as good as Dude, SHUT THE FUCK Kellog’s. On a side note, UP. Everytime you open (I can’t even write a re- never drink Manichewitz your mouth it’s something sponse to this awesome- blackberry wine. You WILL stupid, boring, long, and irness. Whoever your room- puke your brains out.) relevant. I wish I could say mate is, I need you to cum What the fuck, where’s it to your face, but you’re so to a meeting. Let’s have the fucking margarine at nice...so I keep sending in a photoshoot/pinup/fea- Busch Dining Hall. I felt nasty personals to get my anture on this dude. No lie.) like an asshat walking ger out. But seriously, you’re Dodes and Robbell, I miss around with toasted deli- lucky I don’t punch you in the shit out of you, where cious rye and no topping the fucking dumbass face.
Why does my roommate jerk off all the time? I know he has a 13 inch cock, and I know it must need a lot of attention, but it’s getting a little excessive. I mean, every time someone stops by to visit and touches his side of the room, they stick to it. There are actually cups full of semen and milk sitting in our refridgerator, no lie. Wtf, man, that’s disgusting. I know you’re training to be a pornstar like Ron Jeremy, and I know a cockslap from you could probably be fatal, but there have got to be easier ways to mark your progress. Keep a tally or something, like Jim Caviezel in The Count of Monte Cristo. Whatever you do, please stop hoarding spooge. You can’t trade it in for food stamps.
If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you’d like making love at midnight, in the dunes (Strangely enough, and on the Cape, then I’m the none of you will believe me, love that you’ve looked but I’ve never experienced for, write to me and escape. this Rutgers smelly Indian To the chick in Ireland with phenomenon, thank god, bethe big boobies: Hey Baby! cause I don’t take those math or science classes, suckahs.) |>0|\|’T |33 6113YZ0RZZ! ZOMG!!! Dear Pres. Bush and Vice Pres. DICK Cheney, (ZOMG in one of the Sarah I absolutely can’t wait till Connor Chronicles episodes, the end of 2008 when you John goes to a Mac store guys ﬁnally get out of the whose address was 1337!!1) White House and go What’s the difference be- back to your homes tween gerbils and hamsters? where you belong. From Don’t gerbils have tails? that point on, you are barred from holding any (Yeah, gerbils have public service position. tails, how do you think Enjoy your civilian lives! you pull them out?) I fucking hate people What do black peowho spoil the curve. ple put in their hair? are you? I love you guys Wtf I’m too lazy to get (An afrodisiac!) :((((( Love and kisses, Ryan a real grade, fuck them.
Wednesday, Waltz 5th, 2008
“Beam me up, faggot.”
ON CAMPUS (3/06/2008) (9:15 Room 113 Livingston Student Center)Weekly Medium meeting, give us a visit. (3/07/2008) Douglass militant feminist training camp. Learn how to carry out commando missions into other vaginas. Featuring Maximus Vaginus Insertus Supremus as guest speaker and special demostrator. (3/08/2008) Douglass college sign removal event.
OFF CAMPUS (3/09/2008) (Princeton University) Rutgers women softball Vs. Princeton women sofball lesbian lickoff. (3/09/2008) (Wallmart) Rutgers Indian association shower car wash. (Everyday) (Fallujah) Suicide bomber training class, pay attention because we are only doing this once. (Year 2012) END OF THE WORLD MOTHERFUCKERS.
OTHER DIMENSIONS Krang’s List Bake Sale www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm (be careful, this can get really addicting really fast, and also check out the two Hillary ones.)
ACROSS 1 It’s so big 4 Sega hero 5 Week long rest 6 Honeymaker 7 Medium’s march centerfold 8 What black people use in their hair
9 Horny animal 10 Apple’s butt 11 Last dream DOWN 2 Turkey’s partner 3 Goodfella 7 Crotch buzzer
Temporary Tattoos INSTRUCTIONS 1. Cut out along dotted line. Kids, get your parents permission. 2. Staple to your skin, or use hot glue! 3. To remove, use soap and urine.