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The Discarded Palm Frond of Rutgers University

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001

“You and me and the devil make three.”






2/26/01, 10:17 PM

Volume XXXII Number 17


“Gimme your balls... i wanna hang them from the rearview of my car ...”

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001

Eclectic College Radio Programs (And Other Assorted Random Number Generators) by Christopher Taylor Look out. Pink elephants on parade. Here they come.

Our first attempt to branch out from our pulp origins occurred with the creation of Rutgers Television and Knight Time Productions. The idea that we’d be best suited to sketch comedy materialized in the form of Sans Pantelones, a project headed by several of the more adventurous staff members (including the demented minds of the now deceased staff members Scott McGill and Matt Medeiros). Unfortunately the project was lost to the twin demons of apathy and laziness. And it is likely that some other factors contributed. Soon after, a slightly distinct group of ambitious staffers came upon the idea of an audio project; a Medium Disc if you will. Conceptually it was to be an amalgamation of local bands’ originals, amusing song parodies, and bizarre aural stimulus. Or something. To date no tracks have been burned, and only a handful of recordable concepts have lasted into the discussion stages in tact. Why? Apathy and laziness again. It is not too late to construct an empire to rival Michael Eisner’s. But we need your help. If you are (or anyone you know is) interested in working on the Medium Disc [contributing your (or her) best “Weird” Al imitation, Vegas-style crooning, or “sounds from my toilet” earsmacking art], you really ought to (or ought to have her) contact for more information.

The creture above believes the world can’t survive without musical experimentation. Please kill it. -- Ops. Ed.

Not long ago we at The Medium channeled the late Ted Turner in realizing that, while the publication is an adequate forum for the written varieties of wittiness, to properly bestow our unique brand of humor upon the masses, we’d need several more branches of media under our umbrella.

Small People are Scary; It’s Confirmed

Come to a Medium Meeting

rutgersfest 1952

when we practice to deceive ...

by Aisha ClanClan Wed., 9:30pm, Livingston Student Center, Rm. 113

Oh what a tangled web we weave

Do you like munchkins? I think they’re rather ugly, yet harmless. But what about their evil counterparts, the Oompa Loompas? Funny how they wait until someone almost dies before coming out and doing their celebratory “I told you so” song and dance. Think about it, they only sang when people were viciously sucked into a pressurized chocolate pipe, inflated to the point of near bursting, plummeted down a chute, or molecularly scrambled. That’s because they’re sinister. You know who else is sinister? Midgets, that’s who. Regular, everyday midgets. Take my friend for example, “Alyssa.” Mike, a midget, kept stalking, er, calling her until she agreed to go out with him, which she agreed to because he “seemed like a nice guy.” Bad move, girlfriend. She called me in anguish, exclaiming that “He only came up to my chest, and I’m five foot one! I guess that’s why he was always giving me hugs.” He ridiculously drove a Ford Expedition, trying to hide the strategically placed wooden blocks on the pedals. Their physical relationship was about as gross as Star Jones in a G-string. “He always seemed to have an erection,” she shuddered in disgust. “That little bastard! And I mean it literally!” Currently, Alyssa is suing Mike for running off with her cellular phone, and leaving her a huge bill. She assumes he used it to call his minuscule cohorts. Moral of this story, girls? Don’t date little men. If they approach you, pick them up by their blazers, obviously purchased from Baby Gap, throw them into their phone-book elevated SUV seats, and make them get the hell outta here. Do everyone a favor. [As a member of the freakishly tall I can say that women should only date freakishly tall men … small men are creepy but amusing … like wiener dogs. – Ops. Ed.]

only five days left:

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

Get up Eat Shit Run Work Fail

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Jim Kohl



Fuck Eat Sleep Get up What’s Shakin’





Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Christopher Taylor Personals Editors Jay Postelnik Jessica Chandra What’s Shakin’ Editor Chris “B.C.” DeSarno Online Editor Martin Babitz Advertising Manager Mike “Sharky” Ryan Staff Artist Amanda Hoffman Staff Photographer Jeff Buechner Senior Editor

Rachel Beckman Ryan Beckman Michelle Salvaggio Mike Molino Amy Groark Jim Kohl Alissa Strong Amanda Hoffman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. stop reading now.

2/27/01, 12:51 AM


“Don’t be afraid ... I’m black but I’m not a criminal.”

Wednesday, Febuary 28th, 2001

i can stand the sight of worms

Mexicans are Smarter than Americans

Major Newspapers to Replace Student Voices by Michael Wyzard


There was a beautiful irony in last Wednesday's Daily Targum, as on the bottom of the front page were two related articles: on the left was the story of how Rutgers and Cook college by Chris “Chris DeSarnoc” DeSarno students would be getting 3 major newspapers delivered for a small extra charge on their term bill; on the right was a story about the budget difficulties of the Rutgers Review, talking about Mexicans are a smart people – much how the student-run newspaper was low on cash. I somehow doubt this irony was intentional, smarter than Americans. Afterall, Mexicans as the Targum seems to devote most of their intelligence to making bad puns for article titles, but lean to speak fluent Spanish by the time they it was fascinating nonetheless. reach the age of three. When I was three I The plan to deliver newspapers to students, while it may appear nice, is a dirty scam. It was don’t think I even knew what “hola” meant. somewhat odd to have the Targum praise the plan in an editorial the following day, as the Targum After taking several years of Spanish in almost seemed to be admitting that people couldn't get a good day's news from their daily supply highschool I still don’t have an adequate of AP articles. grasp of the language. The three papers mentioned (NY Times, Star Ledger, USA Today) also rely heavily upon Damn those Mexicans are smart. the AP, as well as similar corporate news sources, so the students won't exactly be reading a whole new set of perspectives. Missing from either article was mention that one can read those Submit submissions to newspapers at the library free of charge or on the web (paid for by our computing fee). But most disturbing was the system used to determine student interest. Only 56 and 52 percent of Cook and Rutgers College students surveyed, respectively, agreed to pay an extra $10 on their term bills for the newspapers. This is barely more than half, not quite the dominating majority that they should have looked for when deciding to foist 3 major newspapers upon each student in the dorms. If they were really concerned about educating the students about current events, the university should work on giving students better capability to find the news they want to read, either in the library or online. In the other article, we learn about how the Rutgers Review is having budget problems. While these problems are mainly their own fault, they really shouldn't be happening. Student-run papers like the Review, Medium, and others should get better funding rather -- former Opinions Editor, Anish Mehta to a crowd than the money going to have the usual mass-market fishwraps like of stunned onlookers and elderly passerbys shortly USA Today saturating the University. If you'll recall, in the fall after “going apeshit.” semester the Medium, Caellian, and other campus papers were mentioned in articles about the theft of their issues from student submit your own controversial opinions to: centers. These thefts cost those papers a good amount of money DESARNOC@EDEN.RUTGERS.EDU and impaired these student-run papers from printing more, not unlike what the Review's now going through. If these papers got real funding (from something seperate from the funds for student groups, perhaps) these wouldn't be concerns and student perspectives and voices would not run the risk of being silenced by juvenile pranks. There's actually a very easy solution almost in place. On every student's term bill is a $6 HAPPY ASH WEDNESDAY, Targum fee (refundable upon request). This would only need to be replaced with a series of check boxes, giving each student the opportunity to pay or not to pay for all the student-run FATASS! newspapers they wanted to. In the meantime I encourage students to reject the newspapers they'll be receiving next semester (and following that). I also encourage the student-run papers to work together to get better funding and raise these issues with University administration. If people don't start speaking out about this, it's only a matter of time before the only newsprint on campus comes from the Targum or media dinosaurs like Times/Mirror and Gannet corporations.

and look at microscopic germs

is really too much for me

I need articles

“Here’s an opinion ... FUCK YOU!”

c r o s s i n g

t h e

l i n e

but technicolor pachyderms 3-Opinions-2-28-01.p65


art this p don’t


the line , idi ot.

no comment Time for another Medium Prank!@# the bad streets of Last weekend several staff members braved group of people New Brunswick to play a practical joke on the eless! who are most in need of a good laugh: the hom were we When they told us how incredibly hungry they on them ... we gave offered to give them some fruit. The joke’s on their faces them wax fruit! You should have seen the look r starving mouths when they bit down expectantly only to find thei see their hearts filled with tasteless wax! You could actually break ... Gotcha!


2/27/01, 12:53 AM


“You’ve been struck by a Smooth Criminal.”

Wednesday, October 31st, 2005

Music News:

World Wide Web Reaches New Low “Roo's Photo Gallery” the most disturbing page ever by Troy Crowder Average quality of content reached a new low recently with the publication of "Roo's Photo Gallery" on the World Wide Web. This memorial to a miscarried baby has disgusted netizens around the world with its graphic photos of the dead deformed fetus, while simultaneously starting a cult of appreciation for the never-born child. The page in question was started by two loving parents to serve as a memorial to their child, who miscarried at 21 weeks. But rather than stopping with the usual array of animated GIFs of angels and bad music, they decided to include a page of pictures of the dead fetus. Compounding the unusual nature of the page is the fact that the fetus in quest is deformed with an enlarged head and few features that can be described as distinctly human. The designers of the site were obviously conscious of the unsettling nature of this page, as when the page loads there is a pop-up window warning of the graphic photos it contains, giving viewers the option to leave before the page displays. The pictures show the fetus being held by his parents. There are also closer shots of the fetus (with placenta) and one shot showing the fetus sitting with a teddy bear that was to be his. On a 'funeral' page are pictures from the fetus' funeral, including shots of the teddy bear in the coffin with the fetus and a previous child of the couple's being shown its not-quite-sibling. There is no explanation of why the fetus was nicknamed after an A. A. Milne character. Some have suggested the fetus more closely resembles a kangaroo than a human. "I can't believe what I'm seeing, this is the weirdest page I've ever seen," said philosopher John Bunnell. "I can understand if they're sad about losing their non-child, but why would they want pictures up? Do they think anyone really wants to see this pre-human mass of cells? While it is amusing that they buried the teddy with it, it's sad because the teddy is far more human than Roo! Get it away from me!" Others, however, found the page quite fascinating. "This is amazing, I am so turned on right now!" said video game designer Wayne Rayjack. "I thought the web was drowning in a morass of bad discussion groups, naked women, and how-to guides for felching. I knew that something would come that would redeem this mess." Sickos like this person have begun to set up websites in honor of their favorite mass of cells, such as The Church of Roo, Dancing Roo, and Roo's Awakening. The page's designers were not reached for comment. They're probably sorta bummed about this whole affair. "Roo's Photo Gallery" can be found at: You've been warned.

VH-1 Tries Really Hard to Make Michael Jackson Hip Attention to ex-King of Pop causes raised eyebrows, discussion of star’s creepiness By Martin Babitz EVERYWHERE--In a response to the constant retrospectives of Michael Jackson’s music catalog, viewers everywhere were momentarily forced to reevaluate their previous judgements about the star’s persona, finding nearly unanimously in favor of sticking with the idea that he’s a freaky fucking guy.

“Dude!” shouted Graduate Student Bob Blaun upon seeing the grim mask of death that is otherwise known as the King of Pop. “I had no idea he had gotten so weird. Don’t get me wrong, he was always weird, but I mean jesus, he looks like the fucking reaper himself.” He then excused himself to scrub himself with steel wool pads. VH-1 spokesman Bill Weir, commented himself on the Jackson retrospective. “We’ve done studies upon the demographics that matter, at we at VH-1 have found that they have one wish that has time and again been unanswered. The rethoning of Michael Jackson as a superstar!” Weir, in an aside, then mentioned that he did not personally care for Jackson’s music, and was more of a fan of New Age band Deep Forest. So far the responses have been thus far in the form of vomiting and seizures, but the network remains undaunted. “By god, we will make Jackson a star again. We did it for [hideous plastic surgery freak] Diana Ross, and we’ll do it for him. We may even resort to arbitrarily calling him a Diva.” In this case, it’s however, VH-1 may be forced to stick to the original Webster’s definition of Diva, which reads: “Diva (dee-va) n. Anyone so fucked up by their fame, that they manifest their feelings of alienation by physically undergoing surgery to actually make them an alien.” Michael Jackson himself responded to the press in the form of undergoing extensive plastic surgery, crying at the drop of a hat, and planning a new highly obvious stunt to rebuild his public image… well shortly after cracking open a six pack of gradeschoolers.

“Peanut” Johnson loves the Powerpuff Girls. “Peanut” also loves to beat cracker ass, so you best be cautious of him when he’s out rollin’ in his ride or otherwise sportin’ the bling-bling.

God, you know I’m a submissive... and fucking you makes me want to send submissions to:!

“Peanut” is a young black entrepreneur. He also loves Jesus. News Editors Note: I Get to Publish Whatever the Fuck I Want I’d just like to discuss with you for a moment how much I enjoy sex. It’s really the coolest shit ever. Now that isn’t to say that you have to have sex in order to be my friend, as that would be ridiculous. The fact is, is that in order to be my friend, you have to have sex with me. The way I look at it, I’m not a bad guy for demanding this out of my friends. I’m a bad guy for writing about Michael Jackson, or about how a bunch of people died in India for laughs. I’m a bad guy for laughing when people talk about regularly attending the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or having sex with my friends’ moms. The way I look at it, they just wanted to be my friends too.



The King of Pop on a “Goodwill” tour, of Serbia. (Shown sucking the sweet, sweet lifeforce out of one particularly unfortunate innocent.)

2/27/01, 1:42 AM

Wednesday, January 12th, 1985

Ike Turner To Release “Proper” Album

Zombies Overrun Rutgers Sororities

New Brunswick- In a startlingly uninteresting moment for all University students, the existence of the living dead was proved once and for all as hordes of them overwhelmed the various Rutgers sororities last month, devouring the brains of those unfortunate enough to live an existence no one cares about. The first zombies apparently went unnoticed by Livingston Rutgers Metalheads agree that this development is in no way residents at some point last month, but going to result in the reunion of White Zombie. the later zombies went unnoticed for the next month, causing a multiplication of their population after eating the brains of sorority members on the remaining campuses. The multiplication of the breed abruptly stopped some point, as the zombies grew steadily more self involved, first staving off their hunger for live human brains out of fear for their fitting into their Cancun teeny-bikinis, then deciding on a course of action that included changing their diet toward more soy products. Also, at some point, a coalition of angry townspeople carrying pitchforks and torches stormed the houses off of College Ave, burning and dismembering the zombies before they inevitably devoured every live brain on Frat Row. The irony of that situation aside, the townspeople commented to FOX News’ Cora Ann Mihalk that this act had been a dream of most New Brunswick residents for a long time, and they credited God with giving them the opportunity, and the excuse to perform this happy task. Most of the U. Students interviewed reacted the same way: “The cell phone bitches? Good.”

Kurt Loder’s Laughter Excessively Audible By Christopher “I Scream, Tina Screams” Taylor SAN MARCOS, CA—Ike Turner, best known for his infamous wife beatings and his seminal “Rocket 88”, is poised to unleash Here and Now, his first studio work in nearly twenty years, upon the world. Ike expects the album to “knock those dancin’ fools N’Sync from the top of the charts…after all, I am ‘The Father of Rock-and-Roll’.”

Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital covered the thoroughfare formerly known as Scott Street with a children's hospital sponsored by pharmaceutical company BristolMeyers Squibb.

New Jersey Man Honored As "Most Raped Prisoner” President Presents Award to Walking Orifice By Brian Benson (Washington D.C.)- As a boy growing up in Boonton, NJ Frank Mallenadreamt of meeting the president, he never guessed he would meet him as "the most raped man in the history of US prisons" President Bush on Tuesday greeted Mallena in the rose garden of the White House and honored him as theinmate most violated while behind bars. Mallena was incarcerated at Rahway State prison on multiple drug charges from 1980 until this past January. Mallena, known to fellow inmates and guards as, "Frankie the Punk" has been prison raped an estimated 7,698 times. President Bush praised Mallena for his "courage" and "strength" while also calling for better protection for inmates in our prisons. Mallena was last "owned" by Leroy Owens, who was proud when he heard of Mallena's award. "Frankie was my best bitch in my eighteen years locked down", Owens said. "He always gave up the sugar, no doubt, and to think I put him for three packs of cigarettes" Mallena, who has not had a painless, blood free bowel movement since 1985, was choked up in the White House ceremony. With his mother and sister at his side Mallena said he plans to, "Get on with his life" and that he looked forward to, "Not having to worry about getting genitals forced into my mouth and rectum while I sleep and bathe" Besides getting to meet the President, Mallena also receives a $25 Sears gift certificate and a plaque inscribed with "Most Times Raped In Prison" above his name.

Our feline friend Georgia re-enacts Frank Mallena’s horrifying daily “ownings.”

Camel. Because there’s nothing quite like a good cigarette after good sex.


Kurt Loder, co-author of Tina “punching bag” Turner’s semiautobiography Tina, upon which the film What’s Love Got To Do With It? was based, attempted to report Ike’s predicament on “MTV News 1515” last Thursday when he caught what Sigmund Freud referred to in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure as a “mild case of hysteria.” “Ike Turner, the pompous fool and guitarist unextraordinaire, is releasing a new album. I am now laughing,” quipped Loder, before giggling like a Catholic schoolgirl in the midst of an inspired hookahfest. Turner later vowed to “lay the smack down” on Loder’s “ass” if an apology does not “rear its ugly head soon.” Loder reportedly laughed himself into the hospital…again. “Damnit bitch, when I tell you to shut yo’ mouth, I want you to shut the fuck up! You know I love you baby.” “Now go to town on big ol’ Mr. Wang.”

The Medium’s ADD News Front by Amy Groark In response to mounting criticism from Arab countries, the United States is likely to find monks and nuns who serve not only God, but science. These elders - who live in groups relatively isolated from society - could provide insight into Britain’s first outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease in two decades, which is suspected in flooding the local literary arena with angsty teenage poetry. In response, President Bush is expected to disclose his plans to put an end to wild hog farming in Papua New Guinea. “My root beer tastes watered-down,” commented a shadowy figure wearing a trench coat while typing a quadratic equation into a TI-85 graphing calculator. Witnesses at the scene reported feeling lightheaded after seeing a blinding flash of light emitted from the podium at which a representative of Greenpeace was speaking. “Maury’s got five sisters,” an anonymous informant tells us. “They all got ass. One of ‘em has eyes as big as Jolly Ranchers. Beautiful girl. She’s a beautiful girl. Hmm.” Investigators believe this is a lead to the person behind the operation, though they’re not sure where exactly it leads. As previously announced, N’Sync’s tour will hit major baseball and football stadiums beginning May 12 in Miami.

Avoid her fate and send submissions.



“My ass burns for you like no other.”

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Who’s the boss? I’m the boss, bitch.

2/27/01, 1:49 AM



Drunk Driving Tips by Mike C. It’s true that drunk driving is one of the major problems in our society today. But too many people refuse to see how amazing drunk drivers really are. These people deserve more credit. Drunk driving can’t possibly be easy and just like any other skill it takes time and practice to perfect. Imagine having the ability to operate a car while being basically unconscious. Is there anything that offers better bragging rights? Here are some tips to be a safe and smart drunk driver. 1) Try and drive during the daytime for you don’t want to put yourself in danger by driving at night. If you must drive at night make sure to flash your high beams on and off insanely so you can see more easily. 2) Never EVER take your eyes off your beer while driving. You want to always know where your beer is. You don’t want to have to be searching and reaching all over the car as this may cause you to lose control of the car. Searching the car while driving may also cause you to pull a muscle if you don’t stretch properly before reaching for the beer. 3) Always keep your cell phone in your hand, near your ear while driving in case you run out of alcohol and need to call one of your friends to run to the store for you. It’s better that you don’t go to the store yourself because drunk drivers can be dangerous when walking. 4) Put a pillow and blanket in your car in case you fall asleep or pass out while driving. The steering wheel tends to be a little rough on the jaw when sleeping on them without pillows, especially when the car runs into potholes or goes over bumps (or people). 5) Make sure to throw the empty cans out the window while driving because this will ensure that those pain in the ass police will not have any evidence to prove that you are drunk in case they pull you over. 6) Brush up on your Spanish so that if a cop does pull you over you can curse at him in another language and tell him that you’re a minority and will press charges for racial profiling. If the cop is a minority then simply offer him some crack at a discounted rate. If the officers name is Bubba then try not to let him get too much of your crack because then you wont be able to walk in the morning. 7) It may be smart to carry your alcohol in a brown paper bag because this way nobody else will know that you are drinking. Just don’t tell anyone that there is alcohol in the bag because that will uncover homeless peoples’ best secret. 8) If your pregnant it may be best to not wear a seat belt as this may cause a defect in the baby. If you do choose to wear a seat belt then it is most appropriate to smoke as many cigarettes as possible because this will protect the baby from the seatbelt damage. The key to these tips is to keep in mind that smart drunk drivers are defensive drunk drivers and they put safety before anything else. So if you see a car swerving all over the road or coming towards you on a one way street then maybe your going the wrong way on that street because defensive drunk drivers have too much experience to screw up. In conclusion, as long as drunk drivers follow these tips then America has a bright and safe future in the field of drunk driving.

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123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 How I long for that moment ne fine Spring day, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 When time stood still 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 You caught my eye 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 When we lay in fond embrace 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I thought of everything 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 When I saw the yearning in your eyes That you could mean to me. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 And felt the quickness of your beating heart 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 In Summer I bathed 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 And heard those words In the warmth of your eyes 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Spoken with an angel's voice 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Bright as the sun 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 That trembled 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 When Autumn came, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Like a child's first uncertain steps 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I tasted your kiss 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 There we were 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 As sweet as the air. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Entangled in sweaty sheets In Winter, I caressed your skin, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 White and smooth as newfallen snow. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 When hearts collide, they're never the same But when you left, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Another thing that changes you 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I had to pay a plumber 73 dollars, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Is finding out 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Because you tried to flush the profos 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 That the person you just mouth-fucked 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Down the toilet 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Is actually a female impersonator 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 And clogged it. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 And then having them 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Regurgitate your semen 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 So it goes all over your CVS apron. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012

The Medium Poetry Corner

A Young Man’s Fancy by Junior Eye




Afterglow by Bryan George

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001

Interviewing Gerald Bad: An Interview with Gerald Bad As a sportswriter with celebrity status, I find myself in all sorts of interesting predicaments. For example, a lot of other magazines and television shows frequently ask if they can interview me. At the same time, I often get personal telephone calls from celebrities, famous athletes, and world leaders seeking the prestige that comes with having been interviewed by Gerald Bad. Unfortunately, I must be true to myself, and have not yet found a single writer I’d feel comfortable giving an interview to. Nor is there anyone worthy of being interviewed by me. For the mind of Gerald Bad is very complex. The sculptor does not toil over a block of clay that will not yield to his skilled hands; he seeks out that clay which is most supple, and which will therefore serve as the best conduit for self-expression. Similarly, the art teacher does not give his best clay to a student who will waste it. He saves it for the pupil who can mold into it a life of its own. So it is with sculptors and clay, and with interviewers and those who are interviewed. Thus, I have decided to interview Bad Article myself. Gerald Bad is here both sculptor and clay. The result appears below. I’m sure you’ll agree that it is truly a work of art.

Gerald Bad

GB: What would you say is your most proud accomplishment? GB: I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my tenure here at The Medium. Being the first person to receive four Nobel Prizes was certainly quite an accomplishment. I was certainly shocked when I got a Nobel Prize in literature for my series entitled “Rutgers

[H]e beat me with it until I lost control of my bowels... Athletics: Should They Stay or Should They Go? They Should Stay.” But I was truly honored when the committee broke with tradition and awarded me prizes in Physics, Chemistry, and World Peace for that series as well. I prattle on, though. My proudest moment was last fall, when I became the first saint to be canonized while they were still alive. GB: You must have met a lot of interesting people. Would you like to share any particularly meaningful anecdotes? GB: Yes. Last summer, I was in Cooperstown when they were inducting new members into the Hall of Fame. I managed to catch up with Pete Rose, who was in the midst of a three-day bender. He kept talking about how he wanted to return to baseball and become the owner of the Cincinnati Reds. I looked at him and said, “Pete, the only Red you’ll ever own is Johnny Walker.” Well, let me tell you, we had ourselves a good laugh, and old Pete pulled out a baseball bat and signed it for me right there. Of course, he beat me with it until I lost control of my bowels, which was a real hoot. Oh yeah, neither of us were wearing any pants. GB: A few months ago, there was talk of you releasing a CD. Can you say anything about that? GB: Yes, I have the album more or less sketched out, but I can’t say when I’m going to get into the studio. I was hoping to collaborate with the likes of John Lennon, Jim Morrison, and Janice Joplin, but their families are fighting me tooth and nail in the courts over the whole thing. I was hoping to exhume and re-animate their decomposing corpses and release a spoken word album on which I berate them for their shortcomings, both as artists and as people. The whole legal battle has really taken a toll on my work. GB: A number of sports writers have come forward and openly criticized you for being too “good.” Do you have anything to say in response? GB: Well, I was always taught to take the high road when it came to things like that. You have to understand that all of us in sports journalism believe that sports as an institution is extremely valuable, and that we’re all trying to make it accessible to the general public. It’s a tough job, and anyone with the tenacity to stick to it deserves to be commended. My personal feeling, however, is that my detractors are a bunch of whiny babies, and that sports writing is the type of thing where, if you can’t do it, you’re a complete moron, and that my experience tells me that everyone in the business except for me is a complete moron, and that if you can’t handle it, you should try to get another job, perhaps one where you spend the day turning some sort of crank. But of course I would never say that. GB: What advice would you give to aspiring sports writers? GB: Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve spent a lot of time with young people, and a lot of them look to me for guidance. The best thing I’ve been able to come up with is this: your parents got divorced because you weren’t good enough as a child, and their hatred for you is what destroyed the love they had for each other.

Don’t miss the Medium meeting tonight at 9:30 in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. Submit Features to mgryan@eden. Office hours Wednesday 6-7 SAC cubicle N.

2/27/01, 2:19 AM

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001


“bloody urethra”

Orphan Love by Ryan Beckman Once upon a time there was an orphan named Annie. In the same orphanage there was an orphan, Malikwa, who was fucking Annie. The two shared many intimate moments in the midst of puberty. One night when the two were in a post-coitus parentless embrace Annie asked Malikwa to tell her about his life. Malikwa just nodded and began his story. “A few years ago a nice couple came to the orphanage looking for a son. Their names were Mr. & Mrs. Johnson. Now at the time I was the only boy here so they decided that I was good enough to be their son. At that time a woman we called Bitch Marlene was running this place. Bitch Marlene asked me if I wanted to have parents and be part of a family. I told her that I would rather be mauled to death by an autistic bear than spend one more night without parents. After hearing this she made arrangements for me to meet the Johnsons. Old Bitchy got the papers filled out…everything was ready, I just had to agree that I wanted these people to be my parents. Marlene said that I would meet my new family the next day in her office. That night I was so excited I had to jerk off three times before I could fall asleep. The next day I walked into Bitch Marlene’s office and looked around. I tried to find my new parents, but I just saw 2 white people. That’s when I found out hat Mr. & Mrs. Johnson were crackers. I told those two honkey fucks that their people couldn’t be trusted with buying blacks anymore. Some problems arose a few years back when they took it too far. About that time Mr. & Mrs. Johnson ran out of the building crying like the little whores they were. Bitch Marlene started screaming at me saying that I told her I wanted to be adopted. I told her that I did, just not by white people. I said that I’d rather have a retarded monkey rip my dick off and jam it into my throat clogging my air passageway than have white parents. Since then not much has changed, I can’t stand white people and I’m still here with no parents….” Suddenly Malikwa realized he was still talking to his white girlfriend and looked over at her horrified face. “If you hate white people so much, why do you have sex with me?” Annie asked in fear. Malikwa ran his fingers through her hair, kissed her forehead, looked deep into her eyes and said, “Every other bitch in this place knew I had AIDS so they wouldn’t let me fuck them without a jimmyhat. I’d rather have sex with a white girl bareback than bang a black chick if I have to wear a condom. They take away so much of the feeling.” “But Malikwa” Annie asked, “won’t I get AIDS now?” Malikwa couldn’t answer because sex always made him fall asleep.

How to Eat Shit & Die by Daniel Kresmery You have to choo-choo choose your method; or the train to Success will leave the station with you sobbing on the cold concrete of the platform, looking at the yellow line you were to “mind” as the train pulled in. Two options: quality & quantity. QUALITY: it is hard to find just the right type. Ripeness, is a condition to look for. But the subject, or Provider, is the most important aspect to hone in on. The senses must be keen to spot an appropriate Provider. Western Grease Pigs of civilization, Eastern shore American type: highly recommended target demographic for search. Look for huge ass and tendency to fart. Be fat, Provider. Eat a lot, and a lot of crap— fried foods, gallons of milk & processed cheese, 64 at a time; enjoy ice cream with your egg omelettes; pile some hamburgers as a side dish to your mozz. stick cheesesteak; and for crissakes do not forget beer and steak with potatoes and fast food establishments and liver. Egg your Provider on, just like that. Then take his shit by channeling his sewage into your fridge—dig with a back-hoe and use high diameter plumbing, to allow even the more thick and clumpy pieces to come to you, unscathed. Then mix large chunks with soft mash potato style excrement; drink with diarrhea. Eat a little of this high quality shit and die. QUANTITY: repeat prior process of back-hoe and shit channeling project. Forget about spotting a suitable Provider. Instead pipe network the whole neighborhood to your fridge. Get extra storage units to accommodate the large influx of shit to your house. Store in the closet if necessary; let rot and fester. Eat shit. Eat more shit. Eat a lot of shit and die. The end.



Trish Merriweather

Check it out! Me, Tara, Megan and Christine have been best friends for as long as I can remember. Except for a few times last year when Tara and Megan were acting all stuck-up because they were invited to this stupid sorority dinner, we’ve never had any serious problems and have always gotten along really super. We all go totally crazy over Dave Matthews and think Ricki Martin is, like, the hottest guy on earth! We watch Friends together, like, religiously. (Can’t wait till Monica and Chandler tie the knot!) And one of us- but I’m not telling who- would totally be Justin Timberlake’s sex toy. (OK, it’s

Christine!) But the one thing that sets us apart is our taste in clothes. I have always gone for the Sabrina the Teenage Witch look that says, “I’m waiting for marriage, boys!” Conservative but cute is just my style. Tara and Megan are a little more artsy-fartsy than methey even wore sandals in public once and they read books from the Oprah book club! They own more than a few faux-Indian wrap dresses and have at least three woodenbead necklaces a piece. Christine dresses a little slutty. (I’m sorry, Christine, but it’s true!). She totally thinks she’s Jennifer Aniston. (Sorry, again.) But yesterday something unbelievable happened that is going to change this. We were walking through Sears in the mall and saw this whole section of jackets that were on sale. At first we were, like, whatever!, but we started looking through the racks and we each found a down jacket of a different color that we fell in love with. That’s right, people: this year we’re going to be the INSANE DOWN POSSE! Because we’re totally crazy and we each own a down jacket now! I am so psyched about walking down the street together wearing our warm, down jackets each in our signature color. We’ll be like Charlie’s Angels, only with an extra person. We’ll all go to Intro to Sociology together and walk in the classroom and be like, these seats are reserved for us, guys, the INSANE DOWN POSSE!

Hi. My Name’s Bridget, and I’m a Fucking Moron by Evil TA Let me tell you something really funny. We have disabled students at Rutgers. Now, I realize that most of the sub-moron Ritalin addicted sludge that is the undergraduate student body thinks that they are mentally handicapped (and they are probably right), but I’m talking about some even funnier disabilities. These are the handicapped students that walk up to me and proclaim that they can’t take exams because “It’s too loud,” or “I can’t concentrate with people around me,” or “I need twice as long as others.” Who knows what sexual favors were performed for the doctors to sign off on this, but I guess those that finish in the bottom 5% of medical school should get some I generally laugh inside as I


image this person telling an employer (you know,

the guy that pays you for work when you leave college, specifically not your parents) “I need twice as long for this deadline, since I’m disabled.” Or better yet, “Could you get everybody to stop talking, I need to think.” I’m guessing that this person would be handed a box of crayola and sent to decorate a wall. So after laughing, I realize that there is something I can do for this person. I generally give him a “quiet place”, and then “check in” every 3-5 minutes to make sure everythings going OK. I also like to get a drink and swish it around in my mouth while I stand over the moron, you know, to make sure they know what they are doing. When the sweating starts, I know I’ve hit paydirt. I know I generally write about something that everyone knows about, but since it

there heads, I have no doubt I will be seeing more excuses from sexually gratified meical

appears that over 50% of this audience is probably in deep over

practitioners of this form. Man, would it be great to open up a practice here or what? At least then I’d be overpaid and getting more than $12K a year.

[Dear Bridget, You’re right, you are a fucking moron. You tried pulling this shit with Garrett last semester. He painted a pair of tits on your back and railed you as he would any underage fuck towel. Make no mistake about it, I’m going to make you my bitch. Also, I hope you aren’t an Expos TA, as the above article contains a number of glaring spelling and punctuation errors.. -Features Ed.]

2/27/01, 2:35 AM


“You better back down before you get smacked down”

11 days until Spring Break

Rutgers A Cappella Group Advances to Alternative Women's Studies: Lesson Two: Leila Khaled International Finals by j’buddha 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 Israeli activists fumed when President Clinton the hostages from the plane and led them to a detain1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 invited Leila Khaled to a conference about the Middle ment area from which they would be allowed free1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 East. But, why were Israeli activists so pissed about dom. She then attempted to detonate the plane, but 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 the bombs did not explode correctly. The Israeli govthis little, old lady from Palestine? 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 ernment eventually conceded to the Syrian hostage Leila Khaled was and still is a leader of the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO). And like crisis, releasing Syrian political prisoners. The plane 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 many of these leaders, she used guerrilla tactics, what was then used to fly the Israeli hostages to Tel Aviv. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 After the incident, some like to call "terror1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 airlines were wary of fuism", as a medium towards 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 ture PLO guerrilla activiher goal. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 ties. They all posted picIt all started on 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 tures of Khaled, atone summer day in 69, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 tempting to prevent a when the 24-year-old 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 similar incident from schoolteacher hijacked a 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 happening. Her face flight from Rome to Tel 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 was well known beAviv. While the plane was 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 cause the Popular Front in the air, she pulled out a 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 for the Liberation of Palgrenade and a pistol on the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 estine (PFLP) insisted passengers and crew. She 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 that she make media anrested the grenade on the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 nouncements about captain's shoulder and in1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 Palestine's struggle for liberation. Nevertheless, structed him to fly to Algiers. The PLO then informed 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 various countries to release Palestinian political pris- Khaled hijacked another plane. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 This hijacking did not work as planned. The oners from their jails, otherwise they would blow up 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1970 Israeli flight from Amsterdam to New York the plane. Khaled informed everyone that all passen1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 turned into a bloodbath. As she engaged her hijacking gers would be released despite their nationalities. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 routine, Israeli security guards unleashed gunfire while For unlike conventional terrorists, Khaled never 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 intended to harm anyone. She was more interested in the flight was in air. Khaled's accomplice was killed 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 destroying major symbols of capitalist imperialism--- and she was sent to a London prison. After 23 days 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 like Boeing aircrafts. After all, she knew governments of imprisonment, she was released because a non1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 really didn't care if terrorist killed a few hundred people. PFLP hijacker was so mad at what happened to 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 A few dead people were just a trifle to the economy, Khaled, that he stole a British plane and demanded 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 but destroying a 747 was complete sacrilege! Unfor- Khaled's release as ransom for airline hostages. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 Khaled took a modest role after this incident. tunately, the Syrian government usurped her power 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 She abandoned plane hijacking, and lived in Lebanon and took 6 Israelis hostage. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 When the Britain, Switzerland, and Germany until Israelis forced Palestinians out of the country in 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 did not comply with PLO demands, Khaled removed 1982. Khaled currently promotes social activism, but 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 is still critical of the Middle East Peace process. 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567

ALAMEDA - In only their first year competing, Rutgers' Deep Treble has triumphed over all the competition to advance to the finals of the International Championship of Collegiate A cappella. Near 200 groups around the United States and Canada apply to compete in the ICCA's six regions (West, MidAtlantic, New England/Central Canada, Northeast, MidWest and South). Of these, only six will make it to the finals at New York's prestigious Lincoln Center. Deep Treble beat every group competing in the Northeast to win their spot at the April 28, 2pm, finals. Competition at last weekend's UConn SemiFinals included groups from Skidmore College, Boston University and Harvard University. Founded only three years ago, Deep Treble was Rutgers' first co-ed a cappella ensemble. They are also the first Rutgers group ever to advance in the tournament. College a cappella groups are multi-voice ensembles singing contemporary hits while making all the instrument sounds vocally - Deep Treble's Brian Chambers won an award at this weekend's show for his "vocal percussion," or ability to re-create drum sounds with his lips and mouth. For more information about the ICCA, Deep Treble or the international college a cappella movement in general, please contact ICCA headquarters at 877-294-9746 (pin 0806) or through (Yeah, but they still ain’t no Orphan Sporks -- Arts)

You are Bored You will Submit to ARTS! Meeting 9:30 LSC Rm 113 Meet people less boring than you

Candy’s Spring Break Packing List

Spring Break is coming up, and you know what that means... that's right, tons of free time for you to play with your favorite person, yourself! Or for those of you lucky enough to have a partner, a whole week of skin slapping fun! But what if you're already bored with the latest additions to your sex toy collection and porn library? The Christmas gift vibe is in need of new batteries and the valentine movie is already a month old. Granted, I'm sure it has a great lesbian scene, but don't you get tired of fast forwarding through that insipid plot? And if you're going away for the break, how to you plan to get the porn fix you get in the dorm? Plan on bringing your computer to Daytona? Or worse, what if you're going HOME for the break? Do you have DSL? Do you realize how long it takes to download streaming media over a modem? RUNet 2000 has spoiled us all. Fear no more, because I have the perfect suggestion for you. And with ample time for shipping, you should receive these babies in plenty of time for the bacchanal that is spring break 2001.



Cinematic Entertainment: DreamQuest starring Jenna Jameson There is a very good reason why Jenna has such a devoted following and it's not just her bouncing breasts. You can see it on the face of every woman she touches in this film, honest wholesome excitement and pleasure culminating in honest wholesome orgasms. Plenty of oral, not much anal, some weird shit (giant icicle-like swizzle stick dildos aren't for everyone) but all good clean fun shot at great angles and featuring real live female multiple orgasms. But it's not all just hot sex! If your gal pal or boy toy is embarrassed/ uncomfortable watching porn with you, this is a great video to start with. Anyone who has ever seen "Legend" (the unicorn movie starring a young Tom Cruise) will be familiar with the fairyland plot. Jenna must enter a

fairyland to save Fantasy from evil clutches. Along the way you'll find humor, rhyming dialogue, sets, costumes, and Hollywood style effects. And all the women are simply gorgeous! The budget for this film was $250,000 and is one of the most expensive skin flicks ever made. Granted, no Oscars are in store for this cast, but it's much better than any of the 2 for $10 shot-in-some-guy's-basement bodega porn. Get it Online at Toys for Twats: The Rabbit Pearl If you've seen "Better than Chocolate," then you are probably familiar with the Rabbit. This vibe is quite a thrill ride, and its "Twice as Nice" siblings on are probably all equally exhilarating. A Japanese vibe, the focus is on pleasure, not similarity to actual penises. First, the rabbit is a nice length for the average woman, unless you're a size queen. But this is a vibe, not just a dildo, so size is only part of the

2/26/01, 11:29 PM

fun. The rabbit-shaped part projects out toward the clit for buzzing fun just where you need it. The shaft doesn't just vibrate, it gyrates! Variable speed controls allow you to adjust buzz and rotation speed separately. Not in the mood for wiggle, turn off the gyration and enjoy the vibration. Bunny driving you bonkers? Slow down the vibes. Now, at Goodvibrations, which is a great site, this bunny costs $80 (If you're going to San Francisco or Berkeley, you can actually visit the store). You can acquire a similar less expensive version at my fav store, the "Adult" store on Rt 1 South in Avenel for about $20 less. But if you can't bear facing the guy at the counter or can't get a ride to Avenel, know that ships very discretely. The post office people (or your mom) will never guess what you've got in your box.

Get it online at

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001 TO DAVIDSON D: Why do you skank ass hoes want everyone to know that you suck shriveled little frat boy cock? I guess during the snowball fight you little asslickin' cuntrags were too busy sluttin up for FRAT ROW (OOOOHHHWE'RE BADASSES NOW) when we fucked your dorm up. Hurrah for davidson d, helping Rutgers achieve national status in the STD hall of fuckin fame. It's soooooo cool to spread your ass cheeks and get fist fucked every Thursday, Friday and Saturday (I MEAN THE WHOLE DORM). I think we speak for everyone when I say SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Sincerely, Davidson B(99/00) (If they are only getting laid Thursday-Saturday then they have a lot of catching up to do to reach my level of slut-hood) To that fucking dipshit with the dirtbag beard in my MTh3 Great Ideas class: You think you are so smart but your response to the question about science and religion was not only filled with inaccuracies and generalizations but it didn't even answer the question! And you think you're funny when you tell off that other kid, but we all like him and we think you are a fucking idiot. Also, will the kid with the laptop in the front row please put it away? You are not cool for having it there and if you already have a notebook out why do you need a laptop? And will our TA please cut his trashy rat tail? (I think it’s rather apparent to the rest of us why he has a laptop - he’s looking up the pictures your mom posted on the web of her fucking your dog) To the BITCH or the loser, who lives in campbell, stop hatin' on Noemi. Just because she looks ten times better than you, don't get bitter. She stole your man without even knowing him, you ugly dyke. The only person Dawson fucked in the ass is his fuckin' roommate, that fuckin' faggot. If I find out who really wrote all this bullshit, i'll fuckin' sneak his ass, and if it's a bitch who looks like a man, she could get snuck too, dirty, dick suckin', ass lickin', carpet munchin', train runnin' BIZNITCH. Mad love NOEMI. MATTIA represents. Eligio what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Nothing turns me on more than a mouse wearing an eyepatch.”

To Rutgers Parking and Transportation: you cocksucking analraping sons of bitches, stop giving my boyfriend tickets! We need that money to buy weed and extasy, so stop fucking with my expensive yet vital drug habits, you worthess pieces of shit. I hate your fat asses, bitches from hell. (Can’t spell?? Can’t drive?? Then try ‘extasy’ the new drug of choice for complete idiots) this goes to that dickhead brower employee. you know who you are, you rude-ass piece of shit. you think you're cool? newsflash: you're a brower employee! and that makes you like the lowest form of scum still allowed to breathe the same air as humans. but pretty soon you and your kind will be quarenteened by a secret goverment agency and forced to eat entire trays of flank steak and catfish, in case i hope you get worms. die.... slowly. to that hot girl in communications mw4. my name is grant. i think you know who i am because i've seen you staring at me. i just wanted to tell you taht i think you're hot too. so if you want to get together sometime and have sex, just come talk to me in class. i would go up to you, but i'm mute (so i cant talk). sorry. everything else works just fine though, so we can still have sex. to my psych professor, we may die eventually, but not before your old wrinkly ass. And wehn you're gone, i think i'll have some fun with your daughter. I thought you were teaching psychology, not a fucking bio class. And of course you lost your election for Piscataway Board of ed, if you can't keep your class awake, what kind of fucking person would vote for you? Just fucking retire already.

To my LYING, CHEATING, BACKSTABBING, WOMANIZING, FUCK FACE, boyfriend at lied to me and you cheated on me!! I've been with you for over a year and I still have to fake my orgasms. Burn in hell with you crusty lipped :hot blonds"...

cook reslife fuckin sux dick!!! them motherfuckers charge us fo opening our door..well i say fuck that!!! the can lick my wet cunt they all suck and the fat ass bastard too...get some real jobs assholes...cept for that cute boi fro perry....ill pay him a lot more than 2 dalla to open maah doors

To that sexy guy at TKE.. Thanks for picking me up when it snowed. My PENCIL DICK boyfriend never came close to what you did. That was the greatest 3 hours of moaning and groaning, slipping and slidding and multiple orgasms of my life!! You can give me a ride anytime baby....

(If he has half a brain he’ll stay far away from your disease ridden back door)

(While we in no way endorse having sex with any member of TKE, there is no pleasure greater than some good payback sex) why do i always read about tke here. i've been there a few times, but they must have the worst parties ever. the brothers are a complete bunch of tools who think they are cool. and what's with all the asians they have. anyone who lets asains into their fraternity are gay. (Nice try “Pencil Dick”, but your girlfriend’s personal was better) To the morons in Silvers who always blast their music: I hate how you morons are always blasting your music in Silvers. I came to Rutgers for miseducation, not The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I like how you stick that coin in the machine, wanna stick something in me?

Response to: to that fucking loser in mattia bitch. To the trick ass bitch who wanted to talk shit on MATTIA. We already turned you down. But, if you wanna get butt naked and wrestle, come on over. We'll run train, give you a jelly donut, donkey punch you, skull fuck you, and kick your skanky slutty bitch ass out. Or we'll buy you a dildo to go fuck yourself with. Stop mumbling BULLSHIT . NO ONE wants to Fuck you. To the most Sexually Satisfying man in Rutgers, When I felt your tounge touch me there, I truly thought I was going to fly. Baby, you know what my way is. You have the most talented body in all of Rutgers, your penis is mightier than any sword, and your fingers are more prolific than any pen I have ever written with. Your sexual inspiration is only matched by the kindness in your heart, and I will Zelle in your eyes anytime. Baby Oh Baby, Both Hands, Now Use Both Hands, No No, Don't Close Your Eyes, Your lil tigazelle (It’s all poetry until she discovers that the rash won’t go away)


To the rag-top loser who writes the incomprehensible babble in the Targum: you are a fool and an idiot. Your childish efforts to change the world through your radical "activism" (if bothering people at Brower by giving them handouts they don't want and won't read can be considered revolutionary) are for naught. After graduation, when most of your peers will have well-paid jobs at evil corporations, you continue to be a pot-smoking, good-for-nothing smelly hippie bum. I sincerely hope your skull is split open by riot police at the next anti-trade demonstration that you attend. To Kim on Barr 1. We want to fuck your little sister. Damn, she's hot. We bet she has a nice hairless beav too. Lord knows all the deap throating she could handle with her three dick mouth. I imagine it'd hurt when i thrust my huge moose cock into her, but I wouldn't stop fucking her till my cock touched the back of her teeth. After that I'd turn her around, grease myself up real nice, and pump that bitch in the ass ten times over till she called me Donny. Damn she's hot.....for a 13 year old. (Yeah he needs to go for the 13 year olds cause he’s built like a 10 year old if you know what I mean) who are those girls that i always see at brower? i see them at alot of frat parties too, but they are ALWAYS at brower! i think they're at brower even more than that tall guy that used to have hair like the guy on dawson's creek. you know who i'm talking about, right?

Does this picture remind you of your family reunions? Then come to a Medium meeting Wednesday at the LSC room 113 at 9:30.

(Hey students need that nap-time during class to rest up for their late night extra credit ‘sextions’ with their professors)

For those people who despise LOUDMOUTH LARRY, this is a song about him. LOUDMOUTH LARRY has: NO BRAIN...NO COCK...NO BALLS...NO FRIENDS...NO HOPE...NO SOAP...NO S H A M P O O . . . N O RAZOR...NO GIRL...NO (If Hooked on Ebonics worked SEX...NO HUMOR..........NO for him, it will for you too) LIFE!!!



2/27/01, 12:05 AM

PERSONALS To the fucking dickhead from Pi Delta Psi who keeps talking shit about me: You’re just fronting this grudge against me because you wanted ass from me and because I didn’t want your skank ass, you decided to spread false rumors. Next time you have something to say about me, just say it to my face, or are you such a pussy that you can’t deal with a face-to-face confrontation?? Just because you’re in a frat doesn’t mean shit, stop running that ego trip, it’s been blown totally out of proportion. (Since when was it a respectable thing to be in a frat?) I’ve kept up-to-date with the race battle going on between the WASP and some minorities and i wanted to contribute my part. i hate jews. every single one of them. with their big noses, goofy hats and obnoxious attitudes, to be a jew is to be bottom of the barrel. at least jewish girls are all sluts and give decent head at the drop of a penny (get it?) or else the entire ethnicity would be good for nothing. there should be no bias against color, only jews. there...another racial tension problem solved. (It doesn’t matter who hatred is aimed towards as long as it is at someone, and I hate you) ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

“A female dog is a bitch, and I fuck me a lot of bitches.” To that really fucking amazing looking kid that I always see at Neilson with the camouflage coat, grayish green hat, and earring...Why are you so damn hot?!?! You are the only thing I look forward to seeing at the dining hall. What I wouldn’t give to be locked in your sweet embrace with your beautiful fingers gently sliding in and out of my pierced wet pussy. Instead of eating Neilson food you should be eating me!! (That’s saying something about your personal hygiene if a guy would rather eat dinning hall food than eat from your dirty loins) To that lesbian bitch Elaina from New Gibbons...Shut the fuck up about the crew team!! We’re all sick of hearing about it!! Why don’t you and Christen keep yourselves busy by eating each other out like good dykes and stop fucking talking about crew!! Diiiiiiiie!! Danielle in Brett. This is a message from the big G-d. You have been chosen. I will lay down the first stone, and with it you will build a temple. I mean this metaphorically—you are much too weak and girly to be building temples. You know your mission—go spread my message. Jesus (By “my message” I mean herpes you dirty dirty whore)

Jake, please come back! i hope you arent dead. Long Live the Playa’. BRING BACK THE LD FO’ SHEEEEZZEEEEEE!

to brian, from metlar. you are such a drug junkie. stop doing heroin every fucking day (i can see the holes in your arms), also stop dropin’ bombs every weekend. you look like a somalian from all the shit you do. and please stop doing coke on the daily bases you fucking bottomfeeder, that does not mean your are cool, you half jew half retard fuck. your white supremacist, evil whoremonger (shot out to ted, those hits were nice, i was flipping for like 6 hours) i hope the ritalin that you snort sends you to the looney bin, like a vegetable. do you realize that you will die before you turn‘25. Fucken hitler loving, half jewish monster of a man, that contains everything that we consider evil in his brain. i will enjoy burning your od body and then smokin’ your ashes. (He’s jewish and a Hitler lover? I bet he eats pork too)

(Jake is dead, i killed him and raped his cute boy ass.)

delia— will you marry me? — chin

(Who else things the writer of this was asian?) To Alex the paintball fag from millburn. You probably think youre all that, but everyone knows youre a fucking asshole without a dick. If you ever give me the finger again, im gonna shove that shit straight up your mom’s ass and shit on your face you pussy. To the Midget...A tisket, a tasket, a flower making basket...I loooooooooove yooooouuuu. Brought to you by the letter V and the number 3. (Stupid, 3 is a letter not a number)



Wednesday, February 28th, 2001

shot out to my man charles, kyle ferguson, shady chillin pizzota, roid rage, teddy, heatherina, lougayness, the coke addict, bannana dick...stop, son of a bitch!...i hope you leave enough room for my fist, becasue i am going to ram it into your stomach. a shot out to the shady armooooonians.

dear heather, as always i’m amazed by your maturity and your fecund vocabulary. thanks so much for your concern, but no thanks i don’t think i’m going to “die next time” or any time soon for that matter, so in the meantime why don’t you FUCK OFF. have a great day, bitch. love tara

(If i were a cow i would drink my own milk)

(There is nothing like the sight of two healthy young women in love)

Personal Of The Week Dear Ryan, that naked picture of you in the gayboy medium really turned me on, that’s why i masturbated to it with my mom’s dildo and then fucked myself with a spatula, why don’t you come over and we’ll cook a little somethin somethin ourselves you sexy hairless stud? (This isn’t personal of the week based soley on the fact that it’s about me...really) Why the fuck does everyone keep on making fun of the RU football players? Personally every player that I’ve had a sweet butt-fucking experience with has been INCREDIBLE! ALthough they do have the tedency to not call me or the rest of the whores back. Ooh, man, I can’t wait until the new class of football players gets here! GO RU! (They don’t call because they can’t count which makes phone numbers hard to dial) to that something little Amber—i watch you doin that midget dance, and it turns me on. you have a nice set of...........legs....! (If you replace “something” with autistic this personal is actually funny) This is to all the myriad people who have fucked me over in my attempt to graduate on time: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. (I think that means that he has no penis.) to that fucking stoner loser prof, why don’t we smoke some pot and then fuck so I can get an A in orgo? you know you want to eat me

To the fat stanky fuck on Campbell 2 who did my boy’s girl, we’re watching you. We know where you live. We know where you’re classes are and when we find you alone, we’re gonna kick the fucking shit out of you, you stupid dirty Jew. And we all know you not only go down on girls, but rumor has it that you suck a mean dick too!! No one messes with our boy and gets away with it hope you had fun with Rachel, bc that’s the last girl you’ll ever get. (Beating someone up when you could make them suck your dick? That’s just stupid) This is a personal to yourself. Dude, you are a fucking waste of life, stop getting drunk and high-on-anything during the you even remember writing this personal...I’ll tell you right now...NO I DON’T... Bro, your fucking girlfriend is all coquettish-like, she parties at the bar...bitch ain’t twentyone...she has three times as many guy friends as many has she...I can’t even imagine...they all look at her like...yeah i know exactly where I am going to stick they even have options...Nonetheless, we are losing the battle my and I, I and you...we are losing...Please, reassess our pitiful excuse of a life, then we will discuss it over a beer this next weekend...if we make it...I see you all the time so, I won’t say bye... (You wanted me ro remind you to punch yourself in the genitals while poking your rectum) jay you’ve been a bad boy so i’m going to chain you up, smear whipped cream all over your hot naked body and have my dog lick it off, grrrr (It’d be better if you made him lick the whipped cream off of your dog...if you dog is dead, and i’m assuming that it is)

2/27/01, 12:06 AM

To that sexy guy in my systems of physiology class (TTh4). I want you so bad. I sit in class everyday and I imagine sucking your huge cock. I watch you talk to your friends, and I wish I were there too, but I don’t know if I could contain myself if I were so close to you. If I had my way with you, I would throw you against the chair right in the middle of class and fuck you so hard, you’d cry for more and more! Your little friends would be so shocked and want to join in. If you want the sex, look out for me, I’ll wave at you during the next class. (Thanks but I’m taken...wait I’m not in that class...and I don’t have friends. I’m starting to get the feeling this wasn’t about me.) To that faggot Jared in my elementary German class, what do you have in common with a microwave? You’ll both brown some guy’s meat, you fucking flamer. Why don’t you go fuck yourself because nobody else will. The whole class hates you, not to mention the girls who think you’ve got a small cock. And everybody knows it’s you who has been ripping those rancid farts in the middle of class. Go eat shit and kill yourself. (Mmmmm feces) To that red headed freak in our film class TTh4 - Stop fucking following us all over the class room, Archie! The next time I catch you staring at me, I will sew your ass cheeks shut and keep feeding you and feeding you... To the dumb fuck who works at Gerri’s juice bar. The one with the mustache. YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY ASS CUM SLUT!!!! If you EVER give me a dirty look for asking for an extra cup, I’m going to take that scalding hot water and throw it on your already deformed face. Fucking drop of used condom cum...

(Actually that specific cum is part of the “cum blaster” drink that is sold at Gerri’s) To those hot ass guys in my pysch class, my stats class, and my macro class… I only have one thing to ask you… Don’t you want to eat me…? Ok, I’m a guy… so I should rephrase that … don’t you want to suck me…? Signed Kerpal (I’ll eat you, but only if my only other option is your mom)

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001 ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS: As of today the fraternaties once known as Fiji and Zeta Psi have been combined and renamed Gamma Alpha Epsilon (GAE) because that is what they are, a bunch of sausage devouring loose assed faggots. You guys guzzle more cum than a parapalegic hooker on extacy whos giving head for quarters. Your shit is pushed so far up your ass you burp it out. You couldn't get people to your parties if you were givin out free hits at the door. And are the hottest girl at Rutgers...will you marry me? (How can you tell the difference between gay frats and “straight” frats?) I am sooooo the man. I have a nice white cock. You want to buy me dinner! I can feel it! It feels knobbly, like a dried corn cob... must be from those Douglas girls! Damnit! I knew those sluts were trouble! I should have known she wasn't a virgin, I mean the bitch had Velcro panties! God damn it, now my cock is diseased! Where the hell is my goddamn LSD? FUCK! The bitch could really rim an asshole though! I mean, God damn! That snaky tongue wriggling in my ass was almost as good as that time I got drunk at Busch Hall and all those Asian whores tonguebathed me! There is nothing like having 16 slutty Asian girls lick your sweaty body clean after a good mud wrestling match!!! I mean sex, mud, blood, opium, rice wine, and some killer tuna! Uhhh, I mean sushi... yeah... that's it. Ummm... Sushi. By the way where the fuck is my LSD? (This guy has had less sex than than a dead baby...that hasn’t been around me) To all the girls who love buttsex on Perry 2- You guys love butt sex. If anyone wants some good buttsexing, come to Perry 2 because they love it there. (Is there such a thing as bad buttsex??!) there are too many asians and indians at this school. the other day i was on a bus, and saw 5 asians running after the bus, trying to catch it like godzilla was chasing them. ur all a bunch of fucking jerkoffs who think they are ghetto. ur asian, how will u ever be ghetto?



“That’s 240 dollars worth of pudding.”

Danielle, I hope you can forgive me for being a dirty two-faced whore. I know I shouldn't have went after your men--especially gremlin look-alikes. I have tried to change, but it just isn't working. I've turning into a slimy, herpes-infested disease bag, and I'm sluttier than ever. I'm even doing that psyche professor that you thought was cute. So what if he's 85--his little willy moves like a 70-year-olds! Well, I just wanted to apologize for contaminating so many of Rutger's finest men, women, and faculty. From the dirtiest butt-pirate on campus, Mule (Danielle forgives you but God says your a fucking dirty garbage pail full of used tampons) To that Dumb ass BITCH Erin In da pep band. You are stupid as hell for respondong to what someone wrote about in in the medium. Firstly you are a punk bitch for explaining to any one who you had sex with, no one cares BITCH what they wrote about you was FUNNY as hell. Who cares who you fuck. Bitch personally i hate ya fuckin guts and you know who the fuck this is cuz you see me in band everytime we have a game and you know i don't like ya bitch ass soo if you have a problem with what i write here come up to me.. DON"T EMAIL ME LIKE A SCARED BITCh..if you get enough balls to approach me don't think i won't knock ya ass out in front of who eva out there. (Now now band is about unity not disharmony, so stop this fighting and get back to sticking those instruments where they don’t belong) Ok, once again I see it is my turn to put the pharmacy frat in its place… YOU GUYS ARE LOSERS!!!! You think are hot shit, but in fact, you’re just shit… to your slut president, stop giving me dirty looks just because I realized that Dean Colazzi was leering at me, and I wanted nothing to do with his shitty program. (Blah fucking blah, i was born with only one testicle) Don’t act all cool with your fucking cell and shit, taking calls in the middle of class… Your face would scare a baboon, and your smell would drive a yak away. You remind me of Jabba the Hut only he didn’t have the personality of an eggplant… in conclusion I am stupid.

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING!!!!!!!! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!!!!! (For the love of God this must be stopped!!!) To that Sexy Boy kisser in Davidson D- If you were a sponge animal, you would be an elephant. An elephant Seal that is. If you don't stop playing NHL 94 and watching fight club over and over, I'm going to lose control of myself and rape your autistic and cute seal-boy ass in broad daylight. I go to work whenever you want me to. If you want me to. If interested I will make love to you in the street. Trainer Roberto To that Meatface blonde on Campbell 1, thanks for coming to watch me sing you sexy momma. I'd give you a personal show anytime. It would take your breath away. -Pighole

To the Gestapo of an RA on Perry first floor. You must be the largest unattractive flaming lesbian snatch licker I've seen. You add a new meaning to the word uncle fucker. You think because you are an RA you have some sort of authority? NOPE...they just tell you that becuase you are such a lesbian that they have to make you feel important. NEWS FLASH...U R A CUNTRAG RHINO WHORE!!! (Why would a lesbian fuck her uncle you stupid, cock sucking autistic bear.) This personal goes out to Pretty Boy Matt with his fancy shoes and his Manhattan manicure see where that gets you in life man, see where it gets you... To the ad in last week's medium. What does this kid in you MTh 2 Human Evolution have on his hat? Reply HUMAN EVOLUTION BOY.

PERSONALS To Davidson D: Man, you guys really are "Da Bomb." We lived in Davidson B last year and we all agree that you guys totally reek of awesomeness. It's true!!!! the way, in case you dumbass, frat road-asskissin bastards have sperm for brains (and I'm sure you do) I was being sarcastic. Anyone who feels the need to write a fuckin personal to let everyone know how much their entire cock-suckin dorm loves to spend their Thursday, Fiday, and Saturday nights in front of a fuckin frat, hoping that some pathetic frat boy will let their even sorrier asses hang out with them, should have their balls and in most of you guy's cases, their pussies, knawed off by those whorish Davidson D douche bags who flock to College Ave. to consume their weekly fix of fraternity jizz. (I admit it, I’ve been slacking off in my consumation of frat boy cum)

Submit your Shit to The Devil and Happy Scrappy Hero Pup To that dumb bitch that hates Mattia. You may have thought that you were the only one but you must have realized that you were just another whole in the road that was gonna get filled with the Mattia load. Don't hate, participate. I'm sorry that you can't get enough of the cock (I like cock too), you rufee craving ho. You trick ass cum guzzling, choad licking, dick sucking, rim jobbing, crabs having, herpes passing, aids infested dildo ramming in your ass because your dog has finally found another bitch to fuck dirty dirtyDIRTYsnatch. To that boy that served me soup...when i first saw u all i wanted to do was bite ur ass through your waiter pants, it looks so fuckin sweet...i'll let u thrust yourself into me whenever u feel like it...i would wait for u all day on your bed freshly shaven with my legs spread and panties shread 'till u get home and let me ride u like the scarlet knight i am...i know that u have a girlfriend, hey thats cool..i just wanna use u for your throbbing cock anyway...cum and get on me cause i'm in heat and dripping wet for u... (The girl of every man’s dreams.... She just wants you for sex buddy... GO FOR IT)

Try to keep your fucking personals around 40 words. For those of you who can’t count (apparently there are a lot) it’s counting all your toes and fingers twice (number of genitals most of you have in your mouth).

Send personals to

or see more pictures of my ass for filler. 2/27/01, 12:08 AM

What’s Shakin’

Cabaret Theatre presents: Who’s Afraid Virginia Woolf? 2/28, 3/1, 3/2, 3/7, 3/8, 3/9 @ 8PM 3/3, 3/10 @ 2PM & 9PM $5 with ID, $10 without

Is your robot calling 1-900 numbers again? Come to a Medium Meeting! Wednesdays @ 9:30 p.m. LSC Room 113

“She’s got a nice smile, and I’ve got nice breasts.”

In addition to the events already listed, there will most likely be hoes walking the streets both for money and beer. The ones charging money will at least have the sense to wear a jacket. As you can probably tell I’m not as bitter and angry as I usually am. All I can say is that it’s hard to be bitter after a weekend with a very beneficial friend. There is, however, something about Gumby and Poky that’s definitely turning me on. When my brother was little we used to call him Gumby. It was probably the green skin. Send events to

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RCPC Films Presents: UNBREAKABLE Friday @ RSC-MPR Saturday @ BCCMPR 8 pm $3

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Wednesday, February 28th, 2001

Local Jive 2/28 Tongue N Groove – Harvest Moon 3/2 Big Collapse, The Love Scene, The Negatones – Melody Bar 3/2 October Baby – Tumulty’s Pub 3/3 Tongue N Groove – Harvest Moon 3/3 Beyond the Black – Packee’s Pub 3/3 Our Marvelous Lives – Melody Bar 3/4 Green Faced Guitars, Mikego – Birch Hill

And you thought I couldn’t sink any lower. I’ll now be featuring clay animal porn!

2/27/01, 1:25 AM