THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
“Chocolate...uhhhh...fuck. Shut up...”
Ahhh...nothing like waking up in the morning to your roommate stumbling in, throwing his backpack down, forgetting his speakers are on when he turns his computer on, then smelling the Busch take out burnt pizza he’s eating. College is fucking great.
To my neighbors in Nichols: what the fuck are you cooking?! It smells like you took spicy nacho cheese, mashed it into a carpet, let it sit there, spilled garbage water on it, and then pissed on it. Thank god you’re actually eating that. I hope you die and rot away.
I’m gonna let you all in on a little secret: due to the deficit, taxes, and money problems that NJ is having, there is less money for cops out on most major highways. So what does that mean for you? You can totally get away with speeding for a little bit. Don’t believe me? Try it out!
To my roommate: get the hell out of the room! You’re cockblocking me on Valentines Day. That’s a like a capitol offense man.
To the Rock Wall Staff: I knew I had come to the right place when you guys put Dragonforce on Tuesday night. It was the most epic G0 climb ever!! (What the fuck are you rambling on about?) Son
Yeah man, check me out with my Fender Squire. I’m gonna fuckin rock the shit out of you. Ok, wait, how do I make the C chord? No, C Major. There? Ok cool. YEAH!!! This one goes out to my old man, for being such a hard-ass. It’s called, “Mary had a Little Lamb.” Wait, come back!
Dear Jugglers: seriously. How can I compete against that kind of advertising? The Medium has just lost an editor. I’m defecting to the Juggling Society. Our room was not on fire that one time. Okay? “I duno, he kinda fell into an anime coma...” “God forbid!!” “God willing!” What you say about his compan is WHAT YOU SAY about society. Catch the mist, catch the myth, catch the mystery, catch the drift.
Hey Corey, are you gonna take that ass personal? Ok, seriously. Fucking submit something. Go to Donni, where the hell did my.rutgers.edu, click the you go. How long does log-in button, enter your a bathroom break take? username and password and hit enter. Go to comWe’re learning about the pose, and in the to box, put Matrix in Calc 5!!! I love in “personals@themedium. that movie! Wait,what is this net” , but without the quoinverse matrix bullshit? Is that tation marks. You can igwhen you watch the movie nore the subject box. Then, backwards? Oh,oh god no! I write whatever the fuck you don’t remember Ke- want and it’ll appear here. anu Reeves holding a WE LITERALLY SUBMIT box filled with vari- ANYTHING YOU PUT IN. ables! What the fuck?! You could roll your face across the keyboard and Thanks Campus Sta- send that in and we’ll put it tus email. Every single in. Anything that you want fucking time you’re in to see in the paper, send it my inbox it means we in. And please, for the love don’t have a day off. You’re of god, send us boobies. like a snow cock blocker. (No comment.) Gotta love global warming. 64 one week then 16 Ryan, it looks like you’re the next. I cant wait til polar drinking piss from a guy bears and winter coats in the desert. What is that? are a thing of the past. I wrote that for you. It’s Dear Jack Black at called “I wanna rock yer the rock wall: Take! body” and in parenthesis it says “til’ the break of dawn” (That personal has no punch line. Fail) Why the fuck do I have to piss so much. Fuck!
came
out
today...
To the Centurion/Rutgers Republican guy at the Involvement Fair, c’mon man, don’t be like that. We can be friends. Just because Germany and America were at war in World War II doesn’t mean the soldiers couldn’t be friends outside the context of the war. That can be us, bro. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can be America and we can be Germany.
Wednesday, February 20th 2008
To the cheap labor behind the burst water pipe on Busch near LSM: you fuckjobs are fucking horrible at fixing roads. What did you just put over the pipe, sand? The rain and snow left two gigantic potholes in the middle of the road for my car to bottom out on. I worked for the department of public works last summer, for 4 months, most of which I spent mowing lawns and cleaning the Police Station. I did roads for 3 days and I’m positive I could do a much better job then you guys did. (Hey stunod, shut up. No one cares how you spent your fucking summer.)
You’re a bitch. You sincerely think you’re nice, but it just shows you retarded you are. Wake up (at your own Don’t park infront of our apartment please). Oh, and driveway or we?ll egg your you’re a materialistic whore. sh*t w/ our 6 month old eggs! By the time you read this. Oh how the mighty have I will already have failed fallen. From watching car- my Calc midterm. Fuck Latoons on your bed back to place, that stupid piece of playing World of Warcraft. shit. Why the fuck you gotta I wouldn’t even call that be transforming shit into mighty then, maybe how other shit, then back again? the leet have fallen? Nah... Goddamnit you’re a prick.
Dear girl who sits in the front in 205 with Detlef... I saw you reading The Medium and think that you should come to a meeting to find out who is writing this personal to you. I know it is killing you. Come on. I swear that I am a cute boy and not a trap-lesbian. Sincerely Anonymous CS guy your gay.. if you wake up in the middle of the night because there is a shirtless dude poking you in the butt with his boner.. thats god’s way of telling you that your gay I don’t hate anyone right now and I love it. (Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant. It is unavoidable. It is your destiny.) Why? Why do you so suck so much fucking ass? You know who you are you fucking a s s - H o o v e r . GRR! I hate...uh...actually I don’t really hate that much, I guess. I’m sorry. I’m very bad at this... I really like the medium you guys are funny. PS COCK Ok, for all you tab readers out there, I have a very easy song for you. I know this will be hard to read since it’s in a paper, but bear with me. It’s all on the high e-string. 0020540020750095442 10 10 9 7 5. E n j o y ! (And
See, this is what happens when creativity, boredom, and immaturity synergize with magnetic letters and refridgerators. Want to learn more about stuff, even if you’re not creative? Come to one of our meetings. They’re at 9:15, every Wednesday at Livingston Student Center, Room 113. HIV- will be given out. Dear girlfriend, your stub- To that short asian chick who ble cut my penis head. was at that party I was at: Please shave, or let it grow. how long after I left did you choke on a random dudes Fuck the writers strike. I want cock and vomit in his crotch? my goddamn shows now! Christ you were wasted. I have to wait three weeks You also win the “loudest for my shit to be written and soristitute” at a smoke-filled produced. Im about to strike basement party. Great Job!
many
more!)
The world is, the world is love and life are deep. Maybe as his eyes are wide. To the four guys who decided to all go into the bathroom all at once Sunday night on College Ave: you completely fucking threw off my piss game. As I’m sure you figured out, I ended up having to stand there and mimic pissing while one of you waited for me to get out. Now I have to fucking wait to piss at home. Thanks man. 18 and life, you got it. 18 and life to go-o-o. Your crime is time and its 18 and life to go!!!