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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXIX - Issue III

ESTABLISHED NOT TOO LONG AGO

www.themedium.net

£0.11

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

RUTGERS ENACTS SEVERAL NEW PLANS IN LIGHT OF RECENT SHOOTINGS ALL STUDENTS REQIRED TO BE MEDICATED CAL EN STAFF WRITER

In light of the recent shootings at Northern Illinois University, Rutgers University administration has passed several new measures, in order to protect the student body. “The most likely cause of the shootings, according to officials,” said President McCormick at a tuesday press conference, “was that the shooter decid-

ed it was a good idea to go off of his meds.” “This obviously was not a good idea.” McCormick continued. Because of these alarming facts emerging from the tragedy, the University is not only enacting plans to ensure that current “crazies” are on drugs, but that all students are to be medicated immediately, in order to, as President McCormick said, “to catch all

the undiagnosed psychos; they give me the willies.” Starting next monday, all University students are ordered to report to their local medical care centers to pick up their monthly supply of medication, deftly named “Soma.” Any that do not will be picked up by the RU police for questioning. “Do not worry,” said President McCormick, “Soma will relax you, it will

even make you feel happy. Some studies have also indicated that Soma may also increase spatial sense!” The studies referenced by the President have not been located as of press time. Shortly after the first doses of Soma are taken, the University will be holding its first annual stadium fund-raising event, where school officials will drive around in a special car, and

ask Rutgers students for donations. The Stadium is expected to be paid for after this drive, which is anticipating total donations to be reaching upwards of 120 million dollars. Also, following the distribution of Soma, all library and computer labs will be shut down, as will a majority of the teaching staff of the university be laid off, sources say.

NEWS QUICKIES •Scientific Research proves that Puppies are cuter than kittens •Gay males do not produce more ejaculate than straight females •TVs without digital tuners will become obsolete in 2009 •Ray Rice to be sponsored by Uncle Ben’s Rice in NFL •Mustaches are now being served at Brower •The Targum will soon be printed on toilet paper this month in order to go along with its theme of Recyclemania •Celebration of the Giants’ victory in the Superbowl may have contributed to global warming •Those still celebrating said victory also proven to be uncreative at finding reasons to drink •Grocery chains to stop offering plastic bags, homeless people to consider alternative pillows See SPORTS page 9 for more details on RU football’s genetic engineering program!

•Can going to the zoo cause cancer? Find out on page 9

“Decaying the Human Soul for 30 years”


THE MEDIUM

OPINIONS

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

“Because someone has to listen to me.”

The Gay Agenda By: Supersex Fantastic

Top Five Reasons for Lesbian Lusciousness Now, I know that a lesbian-themed article was already feaured in last week’s issue of the ever-glorious Medium, but I figured that expanding the paper’s diversity would be a good thing. So to appeal to our heterosexually-challenged readers (and to myself), I figured that a column dedicated to the always-threatening gay agenda would quell this cultural void.

Last week I featured an article that encouraged women to “shake up” the orthodoxes of Valentine’s Day. Now, I would like to further that argument and justify it using photo evidence. I would like to point out five, simple, photo reasons as to why all women should experience bisexuality for my eventual amusement and/or pleasure, and/or personal satisfaction, and/or mutual masturbation:

#5

#2

#1 Yes, ladies, this is a glimpse at sheer hotness, and it too can be yours if “the price is right.”

#4

#3

Disclaimer: Do not put in mouth NASCAR: Sport of Champions, Champions of Sports By: Supersex Fantastic

There is only one sport in the United States that popularity is so immense that everyone knows what it’s all about: NASCAR. The National Americanized Superiority Conjoined Army of Recluses is among the most popular sports franchises in the world, second only to the International Instant Death Badminton League of Doomslayers. Yesterday marked NASCAR’s biggest and most coveted race of the season, the Daytona 500. Not only did this majestic and exciting race bring out some of the most talented drunks athletes of all time, but it was also the race’s 50th anniversary. Amazingly enough

there are some critics out there who doubt the fame and esteem of this glorious sport, and insult its most dedicated fans. I was startled to read in an Opinions article published by a garbage dump the Daily Targum that the author questioned who actually cared about this magnificent sport. Let me tell all who are reading this article that we here at the Medium do not judge people based on which sport they may fancy. Of course there may be a wide array of racists, sexists, sadists, felons and homophobes working for the Medium, but not one of them would dare verbally assault or humiliate another

human being on the basis of their sport’s culture. Sure, NASCAR is the only sport which allows its fans to bring full kegs of beer into the stands at its venues, but that’s just because they’re tyring to save their fans a little green--a very thoughtful gesture... now if only Yankee Stadium could follow their lead so that I wouldn’t have to pay $20 for a sprinkle off of a blue and white donut. The moral of this story is that no matter how evolved you actually may be from a Southerner, it’s important to keep your dignity and encourage the lesser of the population despite their missing chromosomes.

I WANT YOU YOUR OPINIONS, SERIOUSLY: If you or someone you know is suffering from any of the following symptoms please refer them to my email ASAP: -Increased sexual appetite -Insatiable desire to be pleasured -Societal anxiety -Inability to control anger -Sudden blindness -An erection lasting longer than 6 hours WRITE TO ME:

OPINIONS@THEMEDIUM. NET


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

ARTS “ Planet Earth is blue, and there’s nothing I can do...”

COSMIC SCI-FI PICTURE HUNT

THE MEDIUM By Meat Head Sandwich

CAN YOU FIND: * A Space Taco * The Black bung HOLE * A zero GRAVITY BONG *SKELETOR * Some Lady gettin WOOKIED * HAL 9000 * A squirtin VAGiner * Tons of Space JUGGZ * A Crater Masturbater * Leela from futurama * The “BIG DICKER” * Big boy * RITZ sandwich crackers * SPOCK gettin *COSMIC* *A peenie Popsicle * A GALAGA SHIP (From the ARCADE GAME you rards) * A cat’s face * a ole buncha urANUSES * DARK SIDE of the moon

All those ASSHOLES that say things dont EXPLODE in space have never seen the sr things that haen on the dark side of the moon.Well, boys and girls, the medium staff is so BAD ASS that we know SPOCK personally, and we know how to kick back, soak up them cosmic rays, and g intergalactic with all your lanary pals . So here’s a sneak peak for all you solar powered sluts, don’t forg to take your protein pills & put your helm on before you BLAST OFF! ;)


THE MEDIUM

MEET

Wednesday, February 20rh2008

“If a crazy pervert like you says something like that, what does it say about me?”

Editor-in-Chief Personals Editor

Managing Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor

Agent Orange can be found in most bathrooms at your friends’ house parties, but shh, you didn’t see her. Just be cool man, be cool. A long time lover of reefer, you can find A.O. with a bottle of Visine, smelling of Lays chips and gummy worms. Her musical tastes include anything by Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, and a few sprinkles of Sublime and Mars Volta. No Phish for this one, but please, by all means, pass the Phish Food. Agent Orange loves warm sweaters and incense, but hates police and when people leave saliva on the bowl (Just nasty man. Nasty.).

News Editor Oh my god, he’s coming for me. After much investigating I have finally found out who the Busch slasher is. Unfortunately, he found out who I am, and he knows where I live. These may very well be my last words, so I must hurry. This serial killer has killed many, too many to count. In his jacket he keeps two pistols, which he uses when fencing won’t cut it (no pun intended... or was it). The man has a dual personality and OH SHIT HE’S AT MY DOOR... HE’S KNOCKED IT DOWN, must say his name. His name is Cal argjofvn2bdzlfosgbhvvn...The guy who wrote all this is a liar, don’t believe him.

Paul “Bloodmoney” Winters had a humble beginning as a dotcom millionaire, earning easy money though the 90’s until the bubble exploded not unlike a bomb sniffing dog. From there “Knick Knack” Winters expanded into an unsuccessful string of start-up telemarketing firms. Finally, “Corncob Pipe” Winters found his true calling- LARPing as a Nigerian banker over electronic mail. He quickily rose to employee of the month at Infodatasoft, located in tropical Capital of Nigeria, Nigeria. After a successful bloodless coup, he made it to CEO, purged the galactic senate and destroyed Alderaan with his new Deathstar, bought from oh so many ill-gotten gains.

Opinions Editor

Personals Editor Corey “Little Naughty Bagels” the Cunthound is notorious in all 57 contiguous states in the Union for selling his body in ways unimaginable despite over 1,337 arrests, in his never ending quest for increasing his pile of Jew gold. Moreover, he has starred in roughly 420 snuff films, including Chocolate Cherry Nutsack on Your Face part 2, Long Schlong Jewsex, and Glory Hole Bedsheet: An Erotic Film for Hassidic Jews. Corey has even been caught in prison selling himself for shivs, as well as fucking prison guards for privileges. He’s as slick as his dick when it comes to buttering up the blues. Such experiences have caused him to propose a new film due out in fall of 2009: Prison Poontang and Fucking with the Fuzz: A True Tale of Tasteless Teabagging.

Supersex Fantastic spends about an hour and a half each week mindfucking you with the content on the Opinions page, but the rest of the week is devoted robbing trains. Accompanied by her noble steed Mrs. Sprinkles the miniature pony, Supersex boards the Metro and promptly relieves the passengers of their gold dubloons, laptops, and even the 7 ratty shopping bags of that rank nasty looking homeless woman over there on the left. Nothing is sacred when it comes to the Great Train Robber, not even that rubber mold of your mom’s twat.


Wedhumpday, February 20factor2007

THE MEDIUM

“It’s really tight...that’s what...he said?”

Business Manager

Senior Editor Staff Photographer

From the depths of the tropical Amazon rainforests, to the edge of the frozen Alaskan tundra, the wicked outlaw known as Gary “Monkey Spanker” K. strikes fear in even the most vicious grizzly bear. Gaining fame for brutally torturing more types and amount of animals than any other person in human history, Monkey Spanker is number 5 on Interpol’s most wanted Fugitive list. Shown is a file photo from 2006, taken right before this madman bit the head off that poor Boston terrier. If you have any information regarding Gary K., please write it in haiku form and send it to the police.

Features Editor

THE MEDIUM

Helen ‘Snake Eyes, Double Die Ritz’ was arrested last night at a shitty basement show on Easton Avenue. According to police reports, she has been running New Brunswick’s largest gambling ring since Pistachio Spaghetti’s gambling ring involving the kidneys of homeless people. This ring has a very deeply disturbing aspect to it. It only uses monopoly money. Officer John TinyDick said, “We recovered about $30,000 monopoly dollars from the scene. This is very serious as Helen could have purchased Easton Avenue and built hotels there financially fucking students even more than the stadium expansion. Luckily, for authorities, she landed on ‘Go to Jail’ and was subsequently apprehended by police. Tinydick would have commented further, but he rolled a 5, passed go, and yelled “FUCK!” as he landed on ‘income tax,’ further fueling Helen’s commercialization of Easton Avenue as she rolled a double, got out of jail, and collected free parking.

Arts Editor Staff Artist

Tim Horton is wanted for major, major embezzling. This motherfucker has embezzled more from anybody than anybody else. True story: this dude got hired in heaven’s mailroom. Next thing you knew, heaeven’s bankrupt and Horton has a whole warehouse fulla harps and halos. You put two and two together for yourself. Alls I’m sayin’ is that they equals four when you do. Tim Horton is also the man responsible for embezzling Kosovo from Serbia, all it required was a few dummy companies and a few bribes here and there. Features editor Tim Horton is known by many as “that guy that stole my 401(k).” Alas, that is a goddamn lie. He hasn’t stolen any 401(k)s, your 401(k) never existed, the money you were putting in there went directly to his personal accounts. Accounts in the Caimen islands. He has accounts in places you can’t even afford to visit. What do you have? You have a dog, a wife that’s cheating on you, and a balding head. What you don’t have, however, is a job. Deal with it.

Al the Hamburgal belongs to a class of rare kleptomaniacs- try as the law might, nothing has been shown to stop this compulsive burger burglar. Time and time again Al eludes the police just as the perfect double cheeseburger might elude a 600 pound fatty. She has most recently been spotted at the Wendy’s in the Rutgers Student Center accosting, beating up, and stealing the hamburgers from customers.

Staff Writer Police are currently on the lookout for John ‘Phat Gucci’ Soon to be Personals Editor Beddoe for his involvement in the illegal purse trade on Canal Street, NY. Utilizing the latest and most cutting edge technology such as dogs and walking, police officers are patrolling the streets of Chinatown shooting up and ransacking all shops they’ve encountered. Thirty people are said to have been killed in the raids, although probably more people have not been reported due to their unimportance in the matter. According to NYC Governor Michael Bloomberg’s press office, “These murders are justified in order to get ‘Phat Gucci’ off the streets; children are not safe as long as these illegal purses are being peddled on the streets.” John has responded to these attacks by creating foldable purses that fit into Chinese food boxes and are able to be sold discreetly as they are invisible.


THE MEDIUM

PERSONALS

“Chocolate...uhhhh...fuck. Shut up...”

Ahhh...nothing like waking up in the morning to your roommate stumbling in, throwing his backpack down, forgetting his speakers are on when he turns his computer on, then smelling the Busch take out burnt pizza he’s eating. College is fucking great.

To my neighbors in Nichols: what the fuck are you cooking?! It smells like you took spicy nacho cheese, mashed it into a carpet, let it sit there, spilled garbage water on it, and then pissed on it. Thank god you’re actually eating that. I hope you die and rot away.

I’m gonna let you all in on a little secret: due to the deficit, taxes, and money problems that NJ is having, there is less money for cops out on most major highways. So what does that mean for you? You can totally get away with speeding for a little bit. Don’t believe me? Try it out!

To my roommate: get the hell out of the room! You’re cockblocking me on Valentines Day. That’s a like a capitol offense man.

To the Rock Wall Staff: I knew I had come to the right place when you guys put Dragonforce on Tuesday night. It was the most epic G0 climb ever!! (What the fuck are you rambling on about?) Son

Yeah man, check me out with my Fender Squire. I’m gonna fuckin rock the shit out of you. Ok, wait, how do I make the C chord? No, C Major. There? Ok cool. YEAH!!! This one goes out to my old man, for being such a hard-ass. It’s called, “Mary had a Little Lamb.” Wait, come back!

Dear Jugglers: seriously. How can I compete against that kind of advertising? The Medium has just lost an editor. I’m defecting to the Juggling Society. Our room was not on fire that one time. Okay? “I duno, he kinda fell into an anime coma...” “God forbid!!” “God willing!” What you say about his compan is WHAT YOU SAY about society. Catch the mist, catch the myth, catch the mystery, catch the drift.

Hey Corey, are you gonna take that ass personal? Ok, seriously. Fucking submit something. Go to Donni, where the hell did my.rutgers.edu, click the you go. How long does log-in button, enter your a bathroom break take? username and password and hit enter. Go to comWe’re learning about the pose, and in the to box, put Matrix in Calc 5!!! I love in “personals@themedium. that movie! Wait,what is this net” , but without the quoinverse matrix bullshit? Is that tation marks. You can igwhen you watch the movie nore the subject box. Then, backwards? Oh,oh god no! I write whatever the fuck you don’t remember Ke- want and it’ll appear here. anu Reeves holding a WE LITERALLY SUBMIT box filled with vari- ANYTHING YOU PUT IN. ables! What the fuck?! You could roll your face across the keyboard and Thanks Campus Sta- send that in and we’ll put it tus email. Every single in. Anything that you want fucking time you’re in to see in the paper, send it my inbox it means we in. And please, for the love don’t have a day off. You’re of god, send us boobies. like a snow cock blocker. (No comment.) Gotta love global warming. 64 one week then 16 Ryan, it looks like you’re the next. I cant wait til polar drinking piss from a guy bears and winter coats in the desert. What is that? are a thing of the past. I wrote that for you. It’s Dear Jack Black at called “I wanna rock yer the rock wall: Take! body” and in parenthesis it says “til’ the break of dawn” (That personal has no punch line. Fail) Why the fuck do I have to piss so much. Fuck!

came

out

today...

To the Centurion/Rutgers Republican guy at the Involvement Fair, c’mon man, don’t be like that. We can be friends. Just because Germany and America were at war in World War II doesn’t mean the soldiers couldn’t be friends outside the context of the war. That can be us, bro. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can be America and we can be Germany.

Wednesday, February 20th 2008

To the cheap labor behind the burst water pipe on Busch near LSM: you fuckjobs are fucking horrible at fixing roads. What did you just put over the pipe, sand? The rain and snow left two gigantic potholes in the middle of the road for my car to bottom out on. I worked for the department of public works last summer, for 4 months, most of which I spent mowing lawns and cleaning the Police Station. I did roads for 3 days and I’m positive I could do a much better job then you guys did. (Hey stunod, shut up. No one cares how you spent your fucking summer.)

You’re a bitch. You sincerely think you’re nice, but it just shows you retarded you are. Wake up (at your own Don’t park infront of our apartment please). Oh, and driveway or we?ll egg your you’re a materialistic whore. sh*t w/ our 6 month old eggs! By the time you read this. Oh how the mighty have I will already have failed fallen. From watching car- my Calc midterm. Fuck Latoons on your bed back to place, that stupid piece of playing World of Warcraft. shit. Why the fuck you gotta I wouldn’t even call that be transforming shit into mighty then, maybe how other shit, then back again? the leet have fallen? Nah... Goddamnit you’re a prick.

Dear girl who sits in the front in 205 with Detlef... I saw you reading The Medium and think that you should come to a meeting to find out who is writing this personal to you. I know it is killing you. Come on. I swear that I am a cute boy and not a trap-lesbian. Sincerely Anonymous CS guy your gay.. if you wake up in the middle of the night because there is a shirtless dude poking you in the butt with his boner.. thats god’s way of telling you that your gay I don’t hate anyone right now and I love it. (Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant. It is unavoidable. It is your destiny.) Why? Why do you so suck so much fucking ass? You know who you are you fucking a s s - H o o v e r . GRR! I hate...uh...actually I don’t really hate that much, I guess. I’m sorry. I’m very bad at this... I really like the medium you guys are funny. PS COCK Ok, for all you tab readers out there, I have a very easy song for you. I know this will be hard to read since it’s in a paper, but bear with me. It’s all on the high e-string. 0020540020750095442 10 10 9 7 5. E n j o y ! (And

See, this is what happens when creativity, boredom, and immaturity synergize with magnetic letters and refridgerators. Want to learn more about stuff, even if you’re not creative? Come to one of our meetings. They’re at 9:15, every Wednesday at Livingston Student Center, Room 113. HIV- will be given out. Dear girlfriend, your stub- To that short asian chick who ble cut my penis head. was at that party I was at: Please shave, or let it grow. how long after I left did you choke on a random dudes Fuck the writers strike. I want cock and vomit in his crotch? my goddamn shows now! Christ you were wasted. I have to wait three weeks You also win the “loudest for my shit to be written and soristitute” at a smoke-filled produced. Im about to strike basement party. Great Job!

many

more!)

The world is, the world is love and life are deep. Maybe as his eyes are wide. To the four guys who decided to all go into the bathroom all at once Sunday night on College Ave: you completely fucking threw off my piss game. As I’m sure you figured out, I ended up having to stand there and mimic pissing while one of you waited for me to get out. Now I have to fucking wait to piss at home. Thanks man. 18 and life, you got it. 18 and life to go-o-o. Your crime is time and its 18 and life to go!!!


Wednesday, Febuary 20th, 2008

PERSONALS

“a bit of advice, do not leave any online account of yours logged in at the media room” so here i am sitting on my bed reading my beloved medium when what do i notice on my khakis? oh yes, a jizz-esque stain on the bottom of my right pant leg. funny though, i didn’t squeeze one out today...

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

Yo man that’s scary. When you get so sexed up that you wank off so much that yo don’t even remember the last time you jizzed. This problem though can be solved by therapy. The Rutgers Jizzaholics group holds regular meetings every Wednesday in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center at 9:00. If you Jizz, this is the place to go.

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

I think the medium is a pretty cool guy. eh is funny as hell (*cough* CAL EN *ahem*) and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

I can’t wait to go home and drink some beer. To the dumbfuck blonde girl in my Old Testament class, seriously shut the fuck up. Whenever you raise your hand I lose 10 IQ points before you even open your cum-drooling mouth. I’m just waiting for you to ask how “god” is spelled. Go choke.

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

THE MEDIUM

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass.

Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. This is what happens when you don’t submit personals.

To those characters in Romeo and Juliet, on Douglass Campus, wearing ball patches, you ruined the play. Thanks. Dude, why is the To the raghead who thinks so gay? he knows more than my targum Sufism prof: you’re a fuck- Because they are jealous of ing moron. It was so amaz- the Medium. ing on Tuesday to see you Your bitch ass wouldn’t struggle arguing with the survive in OZ! prof when you were so Unless you have connecamazingly wrong and at tions with me, the man the same time so sure of who has made the good your rotten-smelling self. witch of the North his deodorant is NOT a re- good bitch of the North. placement for bathing! Just how exactly do Unless you are a Frenchie. you hijack a cookie? It’s actually pretty simpleFuck you you fucking fuck First, you place at least of a fuckstick and fuck your $150.00 worth of one dolfucking mother, if you’ve lar bills in your pocket. got a fucking problem Then, on next Wednesday, just fucking email me at come to room 113 of the fuckfuckin1097@fuckyou. Livingston Student Center. f u c k And make sure to be there What the fuck, who’s the by 9:00 P.M. Then, give fucker that fucking sent us the money. We will tell this fucking personal. you where the lessons are. Jesus Fucking Christ. Dear Prof K, you are the fucking man. You were Bitch! Nigs McFinkleclearly born to run to be the ton was my fucking alias! dancing queen in the city And now this Man (I think built on rock and roll. Lishe’s one) is called Gary tening to your iTunes while Monkeyspank beat that, watching videos of airplanes or in this case, spank that. is fucking magic. Be mine.

The guy up there once wore a T-shirt that read “AIDS KILLS FAGGOTS DEAD”. Really? If that’s so Mr. Bach, then why are you still alive?

GOT ANY PERSONALS TO SEND? WELL, WE ARE THE PLACE TO SEND THEM. SEND ANY AND ALL PERSONAL TO PERSONALS@THE MEDIUM.NET. OR BETTER YET, COME TO ONE OF OUR MEETINGS AT 9:00 P.M ON WEDNESDAY AT ROOM 113 OF THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER, ON LIVINGSTON CAMPUS. I PROMISE, WE WON’T BITE... HARD... MABE... NOT... HE HE HE... To whoever wrote that Dear Al.P. Stop farting. Borsccht personal last week Dear PJ. Stop farting - what kind of sick per- and blaming it on AL. P. vert are you? BORSCHT Dear Tim. Why ENEMAS??! I’ve never are you grunting. been so turned on by the Dear Ryan. Please rinse off thought of soup before. your peanut butter knives. Cherry Chocolate Dr. I usually lick them and Pepper tastes like shitty stick them in the sink. chocolate flavored condoms.. or so I’ve heard. Dear Boyfriend - I’m sorry about your head. Must be why Meathead Not my fault for the Sandwhich and MAXIspiky pubes... or is it? MUS VAGINUS INSERTUS SUPREMUS like that Eww I just chewed on someso much. Did I just say thing crunchy - I think it was that. Whatever. CHEERS, an unidentified food art. (Ge*cough, cough cough* nius points if you’re smart enough to get it. ApproxiYo man viruses are mi- mately 89.3333 repeated croscopic zombies. students at Rutgers won’t.) Or, could it be that zom- Slavin - you totally sucked bies are ginormic viruses. at video games, jeopardy, and scrabble. WTF is wrong Timmie thanks for do- with you, I thought you were ing mah page, you’re my an honors student? You got hero. You’re the wind pwned by a highschool dropbeneath my wings... out and a pothead, LULZ! Oh yeah... I can’t wait to Roses are red, violets are blue, go home and munge that sugar is sweet, and last night, dead hooker I’ve got in I sodomized your mom. my closet. With a side Get the salad spoons man! of borscht enema, holla.

Fuck phhotoshop and its resolution shit, I can’t wait till I can download this knowledge straight to my brian like in the matrix. I’m to lazy to learn tis dumb shit. Here’s a hollar to all you DC++ administrators. You are the biggest asshole megalomaniacs that have ever disgraced the face of the planet earth. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!! One of you butt-fucked bipolar maniacs banned my entire dormitory because one person pissed you off. What happened, did one of us ask you a simple question? Well guess what, RUScrewed was the first admin we exposed in The Medium, but he won’t be the last... Enough is enough. I am finally quitting WoW. I’m serious about this. I know it will be a tough grind but, oh man, How can I do this, my roommate is still playing WoW, and he doesn’t use headphones, and Oh my god that fucking noob is aggroing me so much!


THE MEDIUM

EVENTS, YO

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

“I spent 5 dollars on a slice of pizza. I should have just eaten the 5 dollars.”

YouTube Video of The Week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VhPHtKinmA

Hey, Check Out These Cool Things! ON CAMPUS • Canned Sardine & Salmon Appreciation Luncheon - Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 12:30 PM - 2:30 PM, Tillet Dining Hall • How Shark Cartilage Can Boost Your Libido - Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 1:00 PM Marine Sciences Building • Come Here For A Good Time - Thursday, February 21st, 2008 7:39 PM Rutgers College Student Center Men’s Bathroom Fourth Floor Stall #2 • Lesbian Sex Clinic - Friday, February 22nd, 2008 10:00 AM I Wish In Every Girls Dorm Room

OFF CAMPUS • Larry King’s Funny or Die Comedy Tour February 24th, 2008 8pm at Radio City Music Hall NYC • 132nd Annual Westminster Kennel Club Skunk Show February 21st-22nd, 2008 Madison Square Garden • Boston Pops Performs Fall Out Boy June 21st, 2008 at Boston Symphony Hall • Boston Poops Performs Fall Out Boobs Jizz 21st, 2008 at Bostoned Symphony Balls

DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MONEY? THE MEDIUM IS LOOKING FOR ADVERTISEMENT SALESPEOPLE.

Burgerito™ The Burrito On A Bun

GET PEOPLE TO ADVERTISE IN THE MEDIUM, WE WILL GIVE YOU 20% OF THE SALE. PLUS YOU GET BONUSES FOR REPEAT SALES. EXAMPLE: SELL A FULL PAGE FOR $670.00 AND YOU KEEP $134.00 NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. JUST GET US ADS, THEN COLLECT YOUR CASH.

THIS IS FOR REAL. email us ads@themedium.net If anyone besides me or the person sitting next to me can solve this, I will give you 5 dollars. If I give you 5 dollars, you should eat it.

THE END... TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

02/20/08  

Wednesday, February 20 th , 2008 £0.11 •Celebration of the Giants’ victory in the Superbowl may have con- tributed to global warming •Those...

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