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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXIX - Issue II
ESTABLISHED 9001 bc
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
RON PAUL MURDERS RIVAL REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES
“A system of capitalism presumes sound money, not ﬁat money manipulated by a central bank.” Says blood-thirsty Paul Cal En Staff Writer
WA S H I N G T O N DC - After losing yet again on Super Tuesday, according to sources close to the congressman, Ron Paul reportedly went berserk, hunting down and systematically killing and butchering rivals to the Republican candidacy. “Capitalism cherishes voluntary contracts and interest rates that are determined by savings,” said Paul between bites of Senator McCain’s calf, “not credit creation by a central bank.” Republican candidacy hopeful Paul is best known for the amount of grassroots support he has gained, specﬁcally from the internet. His recent killing spree has many puzzled, however, because this sort of behavior is not characteristic of the soft-soken Republican with Libertarian leanings. After callously killing McCain and his entire staff, Republican ticket hopeful Ron Paul then made his way to the Romney election headquarters, taking time to give passerby his platform, in the hopes of winning their votes. “The guy was absolutely dripping with blood, and had a crazed look in his
eyes,” said one of the onlookers, “but he just reiterated his stand on illegal immigration, the economy, and his take on foreign policy.” Indeed, this was the most interest Congressman Paul has received outside of the internet in his entire candidacy, as people gathered from miles around to watch the little man and his “march of death.” “Deﬁcits mean future tax increases, pure and simple.” He told anybody that would listen, “Deﬁcit spending should be viewed as a tax on future generations, and politicians who create deﬁcits should be exposed as tax hikers.” Unfortunately, the witnesses were too entranced in the violent orgy of death to listen to Ron Paul. After rending Mitt Romney’s ﬂesh from his bones, Ron Paul then made his way to the headquarters of this ﬁnal opponent, Mike Huckabee. Hungry for the blood of his last foe, Congressman Paul lost the last remnants of human thinking and began to say things that would best be described as the howlings of a wild animal. “World government is obviously unconstitutional.” Howled the now out-of-control beastman, “It undermines our country’s sovereignty in the worst way
“I am absolutely opposed to a national ID card. This is a total contradiction of what a free society is all about. The purpose of government is to protect the secrecy and the privacy of all individuals, not the secrecy of government. We don’t need a national ID card.” Said Ron Paul when asked why he went on his rampage. possible. That’s why I want us out of the UN, and the UN itself taking a hike.” Hacking away at Romney’s joints and limbs with a hatchet made out of
a log he found on the way there, some twine, and a crudely-chipped stone, he ﬁnally made his last statement before being dragged away by police ofﬁcers.
“Our country’s founders cherished liberty, not democracy.” Said Paul, with the blood of his opponents dripping off of his teeth and forearms.
“The Paper That You Read Whilst Taking A Dump”
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
“Some manner of steamed vegetables.”
THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS THAT LIVE PWND: Guliani Drops Out ABOVE ME DON’T STOP PARTYING of Presidential Race It’s been like three fucking days now. Cal En Staff Writer
NEW BRUNSWICK- According to recent reports, the Motherfuckers That Live Above Me don’t ever stop it with the goddamned partying. Witnesses describe it as “Totally fucking bullshit.” and “Way to motherfucking loud.” One can hear audible partying well into the night from sunday until wednesday. One can only wonder what sort of party has stomping involved, but it is not a party that should
be occuring when people have classes the next day. In general, one can hear all manner of hooting, hollering, stomping, and general noise-making. In the last few days, according to eyewitnesses, they have yet to cease their “fucking jungle music and retarded hooting [and] hollering.” “It’s like the goddamned monkey house up there.” Stated the eyewitness, who wished to remain anonymous. Unfortunately, for my roommates and I, we
are, according to experts, “totally and completely gutless, almost entirely incapable of making a decision for [them]selves.” Said experts are also douchebags. Also, they’re fucking assholes. Seriously. However, hope is now in sight for those living under the opressive reign of the “All-Party.” According to those close to the effected, they are almost deﬁnately going to complain to them next time. And only if the noise is still going on past 3 AM.
Window Washer Gets Surprise of His Life Mr. Mackinaw company representative. “I was always wonSECAUCUS - An dering why my paycheck accounting error discovered was so big, I thought that my in the TerraBertrach Corpo- work was just greatly appreration came about yesterday ciated”, said Hankings. due to an overview of the A federal court will accounts payable depart- be holding a criminal trial ment. Professional window for Mr. Hankings on March washer Lee Hankings was 3rd to discuss the conseat a loss for words when po- quences of his neglecting to lice arrived to his house to mention the paycheck disarrest him. crepancy. “Apparently, Mr. Mr. Hankings, planHankings has been earning ning to represent himself, the salary of our CEO for has already gotten media the past ﬁfteen years” said attention and supporters of Mojo Morrison Staff Writer
his actions on the popular Facebook group: “Supporters for Lee Hankings in defense against the erroneous charges against him brought by the inadequacies of the accounting department of TerraBertrach”. According to popular law attorney, Jim Crawney, Hankings faces potential jail time if he pleads ‘not guilty’ and he most likely will have to pay back the paycheck difference for his remaining years alive.
Empty Spaces are Filled by Stupid Articles are instead ﬁlled with superﬂuous writing. “Yeah, if it According to looks like there’s goinsiders of the Me- ing to be an empty dium paper of Rutgers space on the bottom of University; spaces that a page, I just ﬁll it up would otherwise go with a tiny little article, un-ﬁlled, or left blank maybe something selfCal En Staff Writer
depreciating or something. Nothing fancy” says writer Cal En. When asked how long the practice has been in use he replied “I don’t know; I guess I just started doing it right now.”
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News Features Opinions Arts Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
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Cover by: All the Peoples
Fuck You AssHole
tempted to bite off Guliani’s arm, but was thwarted. So, while the laughWA S H I N G T O N able Ron Paul was launchDC - Republican hopeful ing a lame loserly laughand presidential wannabee able little libertarian attack, Rudy Guliani got his ass Mitt Romney was walking PWNEd and was forced to up behind waiting to shank drop out of the race. Gulianis liberal pussy ass. Shortly after brutalSo that happened, izing McCain, Ron Paul at- yeah!!! Nigs McFinkleton Staff Writer
The Medium is Found to be Fairly Slow and Ineffective at Reporting the News The Medium is not good at reporting the news. This shit is like three weeks old dude. As you are reading ‘Nuff said. this, you are realizing that Nigs McFinkleton Staff Writer
Star Quarterback in Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl Injures Right Paw in Triple Overtime. Nigs McFinkleton Staff Writer
Shepard Puppy. Fido Smith took his place and made the ﬁnal touchdown. Coach Flashlight was very proud and began to lick himself profusely in celebration.
LOS ANGELES Rags Manning, in the ﬁnal minutes of Animal Planet’s puppy bowl, injured his right paw during the ﬁnal drive to the touchdown. Rags was taken ...Oh yeah; and the off the ﬁeld in an adorable New York Giants did somemini-stretcher by a German thing over the weekend. WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM! Have you ever wondered whether or not you had what it takes to write for a paper? Stop wondering and just submit something! We hardly ever turn down submitted content, so just type up what you’re feeling, an amusing anecdote, or what you hate about your professor and send it in! Meetings are in room 113 of the Livingston Campus center at 9:00 on Wednesdays for those interested.
WEATHER OR NOT Today Tonight
Meh... I guess some sort of thing? From the sky? Fuck if I know, dude.
Thursday 99% chance of sun, 1% chancEditor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Supersex Fantastic Kah-Lai Colin Fong Tim Horton Al P. Barbara Reed
Friday A GIANT QUESTION MARK!!!
Personals Editors Corey Fineman Ryan Barton Photographer Helen Ortiz What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Alison Fisher Advertising Manager Gary Klimowicz Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The ofﬁce of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to giving your boyfriend a roadjob... in the backseat while his mom drives you to go see Enchanted.
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
REALLY BIG FUCKIN’ AD
“We do smaller versions on this on every other page. THIS IS NOTHING NEW!!!”
Here, at the ofﬁces of your prestigious Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University, there are many spots open to you, the reader. Every one of you has the potential to become a staff writer, and a lucky one or two of you may even grab an editorial position; in time. Just come to room 113 Livingston Student Center on Wednesday at 9:00 P.M. Our main job is to size up, and format our respective pages. We want input from you, the readers, for a more diversiﬁed paper. Therefore, we need people to come join us. Or if you are super-lazy, then send a submission to (section)@themedium.net. We only advertise for you to do this EVERY FUCKING PAGE!!! So come on over and join the crew, or go to our website www.themedium.net
Wednesday, February 6rd, 2008
“Why does this towel smell like vagina?”
Fuck the Patriots, a sonata in F minor By: Supersex Fantastic Bill Belichick in his inﬁnite football wisdom wowed the entire Nation Sunday evening with his strategic loss to the New York Giants. Oh wait, he didn’t plan that loss, his overhyped team just didn’t live up to their fucking reputations. The defense looked like some geriatric nursing home patients who lost their way because of a minor case of dementia and wandered into the University of Arizona Stadium. Randy Moss, when he caught that touchdown in the fourth, jumped up like a fucking retarded bird and stood there entranced with his own creativity. Moss, like everyone else, thought the game was over. But fucking Eli Manning, that quasi-mentally ill, can’t-live-up-to-brotherto-Peyton-complex pulled through. And I’m sorry if you don’t like sports and you watched a fucking marathon of Trading Spaces on TLC in your mother’s bra, be-
cause you’re a fucking fairy who jacks off to pictures of Liza Minnelli while she gets a sponge bath. I’m fucking impressed, and if you weren’t too busy trying to sqeeze into your girlfriend’s four-inch, rhinestone-clad stilettos you would be too. Eli Manning ﬁnally shed the skin of incompetence and stepped up to the big leagues Sunday night. He Houdini’d himself out of a fucking sack that would have surely ended the game. Before that the Patriots could have picked off one of his passes to seal their 1410 lead, but since they were too busy jacking eachother off before the game, the aqua-glide residue was still on their hands, thus making it difﬁcult to catch balls... well the football kind. What I’m getting at is that I fucking can’t stand Bill Belichick in his fucking cut-off sweatshirt haltertops, and I especially can’t stand all the hype he gets about being a some
Just kidding, Bill, but seriously you fucking suck. sort of football demigod. No, he fucked the pooch last night, ﬁnally, and I couldn’t be happier. When he through that fucking coach’s challenge over the twelfth-man rule, because the fucking Giant was mid-air while trying to get off the ﬁeld, I almost pulled my hair out, all of it, including my pubic hair. Because all the press would have licked his asshole for being so fucking sly and cunning.
And as if the Patriots’ loss wasn’t sweet enough, Tom fucking Brady and his girlfriend Giselle “Bunkden” will now be eating ice cream and painting eachothers’ toe nails pretty pink colors in order to quell Brady’s sorrow of only scoring fourteen points. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Fuck you and your Stetson cologne and your gorgeous, dreamy eyes. But most of all,
fuck your perfect season. The Giants showed all of America that all you need to win champsionships is a little bit of faith, big fucking balls, an iron will, a mentally-troubled quarterback, and a large gap between your front teeth.
The Medium’s Political Team: Real Politics for Real, or Semi-Real People Competing Presential Candidates or Secret Lovers? By: Supersex Fantastic Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have been going at each other’s jugular veins for the sake of political murder since the ﬁrst debates that kicked off months ago. There is a lot of tension between the two Presidential hopefuls, and they have gone back and forth over such things as Hillary being a supercunt with a cobweb’d vagina, and Barack being a purebred black stallion. Now, news big wigs such as CNN, FOX (fucking assholes), and CSPAN have put all their top experts on the task of ﬁguring out the dynamics of the ObamaClinton relationship--however, they have all come up short. So I, being a political expert who cares,
worked the case for several minutes, and in those several minutes I have reached the following conclusion: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are secret lovers. Now don’t fucking scoff at me, and don’t fucking laugh at me because it hurts my feelings. Clinton and Obama have been fucking for months now, and its obvious in the way they interact. They must have just had a big sex ﬁght when that big
CHRIST WILL COME AGAIN By: Supersex Fantastic
MLK, Jr. ﬁasco occurred, over which one got to wear the bacon-ﬂavored cock ring that night. This theory would also explain why Hillary’s raisin-bran wrinkle blob Bill has been is such a fucking foul mood. Obama’s been giving it to Hillary’s anal love canal, an act that Bill has been trying to do for decades. This is the word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.
Speaking of God. I have something to say about circus sideshow hopefuls, Romney, McCain and Huckabee. What the fuck are Americans thinking? Why the fuck do people still judge others based on their fucking religion? Last time I checked, I didn’t live in the middleages. Although, I suppose I could, and this thought is just an elaborate dream I’m having in which I’m a lowly peasant living in the future, but that’s beside the point. Fucking Huckabee wants to change the fucking constitution to match up with the values of JESUS, Romney is a fucking Mormon, and McCain eats fucking pre-mature babies after sacriﬁcing their tiny hearts to the Aztec Sun God. All
this in protest to stem cell research. McCain also stated that he suspects we’ll be in Iraq for a hundred years. And in an exclusive interview with The Medium, he also revealed that he plans to outﬁt the US Army with wrought-iron chainmale, swords, axes, and horses with crosses branded into them in order to show the world what this war is really all about, for him anyway. In summary, I’m concerned America. I’m concerned that we are going to hand this government over to the least qualiﬁed nutjobs the scum of hell has to offer. We should not be judging based on religion, but on sex, skin color, and sexual orientation. Amen.
Wednesday, February 6th, 2007
ARTS “ ......What’s a ﬁddle head?”
Sexual fantasy Picture Hunt
THE MEDIUM By Meat Head Sandwich
Use Your Imagination, and magically locate: + A witche’s Hat + A story book +A Magical Potion +Magic Cock Castle +A Magic Mushroom +A very sodomized Jack Frost +Puﬀ The Magic Dragon +The “sword” in the “stone” +A magic wand + 2 Mermaids partying each other +Merlin being “magical” + Little red riding hood +A ﬁrracker +A Vag with STIDS +The lady of the lake +Masta Pimp Puss n Boots +Alice +Butt ﬂowers +A Condom +Mr.Peanut + A paira Hooters +A Crown + A hunk of stanky chee +Random other inaprops items for your own personal enjoyment Well Timmy, That’s not the only thing that’s about to explode......
GEE WILIKERS MR.M! IT’S REALLY ABOUT TO EXPLODE!
“When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it’s not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don’t know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks Draw pictures of dicks. Yes. Like a man dick. I’d just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis. No shit. It’s really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can’t stop drawing dicks to save my own life. Just listen. Okay?” + Send your inaprops pixxx,opinions/ideas,To Meat Head Sandwich for a chance to be a Sexual Selebrity. Meat Head Sandwich lives at
net and wants to make you have a happy happy time.
THE MEDIUM You all thought zombie’s didnt exist right? Well this here editor came back from the dead to write for another semester. Not only does it help out the paper, but it looks great on resumes too! Write for the medium today! Hey asshole! Get off of your couch! Do a ﬂip! Anyone can do a ﬂip! Flip everyday! Dude, take a fucking shower. Seriously. You stink like ass. You shower, what, once a week? I mean think of it like this: you take a shit more than once a day cause you eat a lot of dining hall. You use toilet paper, but no matter how much you wipe and how much your asshole bleeds, theres still some shit remnants. Usually, normal people shower that away and it gets caught in their leg hairs or maybe goes down the drain. You are missing the opportunity to wipe that away and are getting all that shit over the course of a week. No wonder you stank man. (It’s amazing how the most basic of hygene escapes people man.)
“OMG Thanks for the rez guyz!”
I hate these old men! I hate Paint your B’owl lips! Your these OLD men. Old. Brain. pets will loook at B’owl.AnyFarge. Wow. Farge. Wow. one can tolerate B’owl, for few minutes. Lonely is the hedge. When a you ﬁnd a hedge that’s yours. Yo babycakes, give me some Hedgie hedgie hedgie! fucking personals here. I’m (Is hedge some sort of ref- on a time limit here. Yeah, I erence to a vagina? I can’t called you babycakes, imagine going into a bush and I know that name desribed as a hedge being is reserved for someanything other than painful.) one else but throw me a friggen bone here. No? Ok. A shady lane -- ev(We’re just gonna keep tryerybody wants one. A ing this until we get someshady lane -- everybody thing out of you. Got it?) needs one. OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OyourG My Thermo Professor looks OhisG, overG. Its everybod- like an older version of Morys G, its everybodys G, its gan Spurlock. It’s pretty everybodys G, its, everybod- radical. I keep expecting him ys G. The worlds collide, but to talk about a supercooled all that we want is a shady soda liquid composition l a n e . with too much sugar and fat for a normal person to Ok, I’m gonna be straight drink every day for 30 days. with you all. Maybe one-sixI got teenth of the people reading Spaghett! ya! Spooked ya! this will actually appreciate or understand what I’m talk- (My name’s Spaghett. I’m ing about, but here we go: available for parties, so the reason I’m writing these here, just take my card.) in such a time constraint It’s business, it’s business is because I have to run time. You know when I’m Karazhan with my guild at down to my socks its time for eight. We still have Chess, business, that’s why they Netherspite, and Prince to go call them business socks. through, and I’m not even 1001001 SOS. sure we have the numbers Ouch! You’re lucky it to do it. But goddamnit, a wasn’t hard! I mean this commitment is thing not my dick!!! a commitment.
I have to admit: I’m getting at the end of my college life, so I should act like a grown up right? Whenever I hear “F of U” in my Calc (I just got a debuff from a class I really have to stop good amount of readers. myself from giggling. 50% coolness until next witty (It’s ok. I still giggle c o m m e n t . ) when I hear penis.) I’m fucking tired of going out Tired of eating hamburg- on weekends. I want a chill ers at fast food places environment to relax and and feeling like shit right drink. None of these guidoafterwards? I’ll let you in ﬁst pist pumping action and on a little secret: A. Don’t Yager bomb havens. I swear eat fast food because it’s to Christ, don’t fucking say disgusting or B. Eat chick- ‘Fuckin skanks’ right now. en sandwiches. You don’t That video is so fucking feel like vomiting right lame and stupid. The only afterwards and it tastes one who thinks it’s cool is the delicious. Enjoy your hyper-muscley guy at your spicy chicken sand- next party who doesn’t keep wich from Wendys. up on contemporary humor I went to this bar in and thinks yelling HGH and Cambridge, MA that Muscle Milk is still fucking played Break My Stride funny. Joke’s on him though by Wilder Matthew because we’re all laughing and In The Aeroplace Over at him, not with him, beThe Sea by Neutral Milk Ho- cause that’s a better repretel in the same half hour time sentation of his life, rather block. Is there any place than the fake tan, wifearound here that will play beater, and lip gloss. shit like that and has a cool Back when I ﬁrst went to atmosphere? Seriously, Rutgers, I didn’t underBoston >> New York. stand how upperclassFreedom of Speech is men could hate Busch. gay. There, I said it. I’m starting to get it now
Wednesday, February 6th 2008
What’s with creepy people and their refusal to blink? Seriously. I saw this Asian kid at career services who didn’t blink, didn’t talk, and moved way too fucking slow. What the fuck is up with that shit? I felt bad for the guy who had to help him write a resume. I’m sure stalking doesn’t look good on paper when you’re applying for an internship....maybe if you want to work for a detective, but still, that makes no sense. (Maybe he was retarded, you insensitive asshole. Seriously, show some more compassion toward monogoloids, will ya?) Yo KG, fuck you and fuck Popov. Why don’t you be a good host and next time we play drunk chess you buy some smirnoff or something. We’re not freshman anymore. Why not just give me CVS rubbing alcohol instead? Then at least it has a reason to be terrible. Both come out of a plastic bottle, both takes the same. You’re a dick. (Popov? I havn’t had Popov since I was in Metzger freshman year. Oops, just blew my two year old cover.)
Tom mo’fuckin Brady. Fuck the Giants, they just got lucky this year. Got a rebuttle? Come to the Livingston Student Center, Room 113 on Wednesday at 9:15 PM. I’ll be there denying I put this in here. Boston is superior to New York in every way. Quality of people, sports teams, transportation system. Once I get out of here, I’m going to Boston, to then get the shit kicked out of me for saying I’m from New Jersey/New York. Cold french fries are fucking terrible.
I hear the sound of gunﬁre at the prison gate. Are the liberators here? Do I hope or do I fear? For my father and my brother it’s too late. But I must help my mother stand up straight. I fucking wish that airhand dryers were on for a spare three seconds. Then they might actually work.
The world weighs on my shoulders, but what am I to do? You sometimes drive me crazy, but I worry about you. I know it makes no difference to what you’re going through. But I see the tip of the iceberg, and I worry about you. (Fucking Rush Rock the fuck
I had coffee this morning. I feel like my brain is working too fast for my body to keep up. Was there speed in that shit? God, I’m such a fucking coffee noob Fuck Dell computers. Pieces of shit. Fucking Indian tech support not giving me my goddamn refunded RAM. Seriously, do your fucking job right. You know what? I don’t give a fuck. I’m getting an apple when I graduate. That way at least when it breaks, I’ll have an American tell me the problem instead of struggle for ﬁve minutes over how to pronounce my name and problems. Yo did you guys see that one Superbowl Ad? You know, it was between the game and that other one. I don’t remember it exactly. It had the animals in it? So good. Fuck I wish I knew what it was for. I’m very glad that the Trailer Park Boys movie didn’t get released in a ton of movie theaters here in the states. I can gaurentee there are maybe...four people at Rutgers who know about Trailer Park Boys here, and I am friends with all of them. It’s fucking HUGE in Canada, and I’m glad I’m fortunate enough to know what it is. Don’t look it up, I don’t want it get huge here, considering the show is over. (Umm, what kind of cock tease is that? Oh well, this paper is going to get left on a desk anyway, so we’re ok.) A buddy of mine goes to La Salle and said that there’s a girl in his class that looks like Geddy Lee. No woman, ever, should look like Geddy Lee. If you don’t know who Geddy Lee is, then you clearly aren’t listening to Rush. Google him now and re-read this personal. (How bad could that chick be. Oh, oh God no! Geddy Lee is so unfortunate looking.)
Wednesday, February 6th 2008 You know what I like to do when I’m in the computer lab and someone is on facebook. I like to look over their shoulder, ﬁnd out their name and look them up on facebook... I will gaze longingly at the screen while I look at the different pictures they have in their proﬁle... Nothing pleases me more.. In 10th grade, while standing at my locker I let out a silent but stinky fart. It smelled so bad that the ﬁre alarm picked up the smell and went off. The whole school had to be evacuated while the ﬁremen went inside the building to make sure it was safe to enter again. He was six two and had the balls of a dragon.
“Sit on my face and tell me that you love me...”
Come on, who has a neon pink pussy? (Japanese women of the future, that’s who.) Apparently you can buy uncircumsized dildos. Google image that shit. You can also buy choads, how funny is that I want pussy, pussy, and once again PUSSY!!!!!! How hard is it to ask for pussy? --That red bandana dude I fucking wish someone would send me a personal, I haven’t gotten one since like 2 years ago, where did all my personals stalkers go? I’m put
just this up
(That’s what she said.)
Alright, enough with this, I’m done. Can’t anyHave you ever eaten corn and one around here show fantasized about squash? me a Yankees fan who isn’t a complete asshole? (Have you ever eaten pussy and fanta- To the person who wrote sized about your mom?) the personal about how he To that girl on the F bus yes- wanted to make a sculpterday- I know it was mean, ture out of his girlfriend’s and I know you don’t know hair- I am a local sculptor who did it, but it was me who who specializes in nontraditripped you so you would tional media: phlegm, feces, land on your fat face. That’s menstrual blood, hair, etc what you get for wearing and I think you could use $400 acid-wash jeans that my business. Please visit looked like you bedazzled my website for more info: them yourself with tooth- l e t b t k r o a m f r e e . c o m paste. Anyone who is that The daily targum still much of an idiot deserves sucks cock, I started to get run over by a bus. here in 2001 and it’s My lottery number is even shittier then it was 1336. I should 1337 when I started, I achaxx0rz it b/c I’m so 1337, tually didn’t think it was possible.
My dearest handsome, thank you for fucking me properly twice (and sometimes three) times a day. I love you so much. You satisfy my craving for life, beauty, and love. I want to go to sleep and wake up naked next to forever. Milky Ways not included. Yours for ever and ever and ever and ever, Me. Have queefed
(99% yes, 1% Jimmy Page) Dear self, stop forgetting to take your crazy pills, I’m getting tired of this Richter scale of madness. Only I never notice until it’s too late. It’s like your shoe being untied and you just walked through a cow pat and dragged it through vomit and you can’t tie it because you’re a retarded 6 six year old. (There is a fault line at Rutgers and all the loose marbles roll towards the Medium. Being this funny and fucking awesome comes with a price, kiddies.) Life can be ﬁne if we all 69
How is this supposed to go in my belly button? FUCK THE RUTGERS REVIEW. THEY LEAVE THEIR SHITTY SHIT PAPERS ALL OVER THE MEDIA ROOM AND THEN DEMAND TO TAKE OVER OUR PRODUCTION TIME. SHITTY EMO HIPSTER LOSERS.
Dear Rob, won’t you come sing money for nothing (and the chicks for free) with me at the golden ( Also,RUSA you can suck rail. I need help moving these my hard “steel”, I’d enrefrigerators and colored tvs! joy fucking your face and The super bowl really blowing my load on your sucked a nice big one small but sufﬁcient tits.) this year, both teams are Hulk Hogan should come ﬁlled with queers and nei- back to Rutgers and no ther team should have sell Dick McCormacks won because they both punches then drop sucked big big dick. Eli a leg on his throat. and Brady are both shitty QBs. Eli’s Payton’s (Randy Savage should retarded younger broth- come back to Rutgers and er, and his victory and drop a ﬂying elbow on MVP are proof that a the Rutgers Centurion.) retart is better than a queer. LC - You’re not on the Hills To all those fucking black but I’d love to fuck your face. guys who think that it’s Dear XM radio- I like cool to wear XXXXL your all Zeppelin station Looney Tunes jackets and how you play “rare” or shirts, you look like tracks, but my bootleg colfucking assholes. I’d lection is better than yours. love nothing more then In fact, your “rarities” are to punch you in your nothing but audio copied fucking faces and then from the dvds. So you lose. utter some gutteral R, that’s for fucking grunt. UGGGG. You’re up the one thing that I not a real thug so stop loved, I wish I could acting like one! fuck your face and blow larry don’t touch me it there too. It’d be very and I’d there, i’m gonna tell appropriate on you one day i swear feel much better about things.
Larry, I saw you on tv during the superbowl, it was nice to see you getting some national coverage. PJ - You can PULL on my JUNK anytime! Yowza!! Seriously, Hannah Montana I want to fuck your face so badly. I also want to fuck your 15 year old cunt like it’s an 18 year old cunt, there isn’t really a difference between the two. (Is there really a difference between a 15 and 18 old cunt, I swear they both feel the same from the inside!) Rob, I miss you, come to karaoke on a Wednesday, let me know in advance and we can deﬁnitely sing You make my dreams come true.
To Kay, fuck you you asshole. You’re a useless piece of shit who isn’t even worth shooting a load on. I’d rather shoot on my hand and have to wipe it off then blow my jizz in your genital direction. I wonder what would happen if they had on you the biggest loser, since you’re a huce fucking loser douchebag slunt (slunt = slut + cunt) RUSA sucks cock, RUSA Hannah Montana, I know you’re 15 but i’d love to fuck you. should coacad! COACAD
THE OMEGA PAGE
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
“He’s Italian enough to go home on the weekend and pick up his mom’s sauce.”
Upcoming Events That You Aren’t Going To ON CAMPUS • Rutgers Football 2008 Walk-on Tryouts Thursday, February 7, 2008 8:00 PM Hale Center And Stadium (I think a sorostitute should go there undercover like in that movie ‘Just One Of The Guys’.) • The Problem of Pain: Part II Monday, February 11, 2008 6:00 PM Canterbury House (The pain part is because it’s sponsored by the Christian C. S. Lewis Society at Rutgers.) • An Evening with South African Prince Cedza Diamini Tuesday, February 12, 2008 8:00 PM Busch Campus Center (Featuring Tay Zonday and Mista Johnson. Cherry Chocolate Rain!) • Reﬂections on growing up as an Italian-American in New Jersey Wednesday, February 13, 2008 1:30 PM Rutgers Student Center (The Broadway version of Growing Up Gotti. “I tell ya, mom’s sauce, fuggetaboutit.”)
OFF CAMPUS • Showtime at the Apollo on Tour February 09, 2008 at 8:00 PM State Theatre New Brunswick (This is like that show American Idol combined with America’s Got Talent, but for black people. George Bush does not care about this show.) • Blood Drive 02/09/08 VFW Post 9111 7:30 AM - 1:00 PM 11 Henderson Road in Kendall Park South Brunswick (Sorry all you skanks with Hepatitis, sit this one out.)
Septic Mist From Enyouth
BY SERGIO SIGNIFICANT - CERTIFIED FUCKSTICK ARIES (March 21 - April 19) You are such a slut you are probably being rammed as you read this. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) When you said you slept with only 15 guys, that was complete bull. GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) You know what else are twins? Your big slutty tits. (Please send us pics.) CANCER (June 22 - July 22) Because you are such a slut, you will be getting cervical cancer. LEO (July 23 - August 22) Something tell me you will be lion or your back a lot this week. VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) HA! You’re hardly a virgin. Not since 7th grade.
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) You must balance your vaginal and anal penetrations. SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) Like a scorpion you are poisonous. Your poison: herpes. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) You drive men crazy when you archer back, then take a load in the face. CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) You’ll eat anything, including your boyfriend’s ass hole. AQUARIUS (January 22 - February 18) Your jugs bear milk, not water because you’re always pregnant. PISCES (February 19 March 20) You drink jizz like a ﬁsh. A slutty ﬁsh.
From the website: “A highly concentrated serum with tremendous effect for anti-inﬂammatory, calming, soothing, healing and antiseptic purposes.” Ladies, why not spray on a little Septic Mist! http://www.enyouth.com/Enyouth/Enyouth_html/Product_SkinCare_SepticMist.htm