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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume IXXX - Issue I
ESTABLISHED 1779 BCE
www.themedium.net
$42.42
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
New Study: Fraternity Parties May Be Crowded. Cal En Staff Writer
NEW BRUNSWICK- A special taskforce, commissioned by the University to determine various aspects of students’ recreational activities has discovered that several preconceptions about fraternity parties are incorrect. Most notably, they are much more crowded than the “barren, empty wasteland” the taskforce hypothesized. “We went into these parties expecting one or two people, tops,” said taskforce lead Reuban Goldman, “but the results proved otherwise.” This is actually quite an understatement, as anyone that reads the report can clearly see. In fact parties tend to be so crowded that there is no room for formal dancing technique, and dancers are forced to dance so close together, that
RUSA Condemns all Bad Things Cal En Staff Writer
In the aftermath of the cemetery incident, in which RUSA condemned the vandalism of the graves, life has improved for most people in many ways. All anti-Jew prejudice immediately dissipated and the broken tombstones were pieced together by themselves as if by invisible hands.
it could be viewed as perverse. Also, as a result of the crowdedness of said parties, there tend to be several means that party organizers use to cut down on party density. For example, they institute a ratio of females to males, to ensure that there is not an overwhelming majority of either sex. Sometimes, a cover charge is used in lieu of a ratio, so that fraternities may fund their next party. Another startling find was that not is alcohol served at these parties, it is served to people without identification being shown to prove that they were above the age of twentyone, the current legal drinking age. Apparently bar-tenders were using the honor system which, while admirable of them, shows how naive these people can truly be.
Not all is well, unfortunately, as many other things still plagued the Rutgers community and the world as a whole. However, RUSA corrected their initial mistake of curing only a specific ill and leaving all the other Bad Things out. “Sure some skinheads were immediately struck down, their howling souls being torn asunder, and then devoured by the Prince of Darkness,” said RUSA recording secretary Kathryn Jenkins, a Douglass College student, “but murderers, thieves, and rap-
Several revellers enjoying themselves good wholesome fun at a fraternity party. One wonders how such a picture was taken when fraternity ceilings are two fucking feet tall.
ists still roam the streets unchecked.” This all changed Tuesday, when RUSA passed a measure that condemns, harshly, all things that “aren’t nice, hurt or harm, or are generally Bad.” This immediately caused every last thing that is mildly uncomfortable to disappear in a gigantic plume of smoke. Now life is peachy and happy for everyone on Earth. Instead of death and poison, the world is filled with life and candy. Candy for everybody.
The scene at the ground of Sudanese capital Khartoum after all Bad Things were eradicaded from Earth.
“All the News That’s Something Something Something”