01/28/04

Inside: The result of feeding birds left-overs from the Rutgers Dining Halls.

Interview with Doug Stanhope, comedian and co-host of Comedy Central’s “The Man Show”

Coming Next Week: Meet The Staff of The Medium!

Grease Trucks to Accept Knight Express!!!

Eat all the Fat Bitches you can, before these fat bitches do!

Opinions Opinions

Welcome Back to Rutgers, Don’t You Wish Break Was Longer!

By: Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief eic@themedium.net

Fat Girl on a Diet? Don’t Try It!

Being A Grown-Up And Avoiding Suicide: Is It Possible?

By John Minus So I’m about two years out of Good Ol’ RU and I’m still writing for the Medium. Lucky you. Let me tell you something; the real world sucks ass. The only real nice thing about it is health insurance, health insurance kicks ass. But this is what all of you lucky sons-a-bitches have to look forward to.

After graduating, be prepared to whore yourself out to whoever will have you. You may want to leave your dignity and self-respect on stage after you take your diploma, because you won’t be needing it out there. Chances are you’ll be broke as hell and willing to do anything short of sucking dick for money. Wait, I forgot what population I’m writing to; some of you will be sucking dick for money again. You’ll be talking nice and friendly to people you ordinarily would not piss on if they were on fire.

You’ll be smarter than them, sure, but they are in control of whether you get a check or not, so just bend over and take it.

Next, once you get the job (which may or may not have something to do with your major), you get to spend every second of your life praying for a death that will never come as your job slowly strangles and hope and creativity from your beleaguered soul. Your supervisors will devalue everything you do, and the good ideas you do have will be stolen by someone, again, less educated and far less talented than you. You will probably be working with people 10 to 20 years older than you who have died inside long before their bodies cease to live. They will be extremely jealous of your youth and vitality, coupled with the fact that you got a position right out of college that it took them 20 years of promotions to attain. These people will hate you and everything you stand for. They will make it their mission in life to sabotage you to make themselves look good. Women are lucky to meet a special brand of this type of person, the male chauvinist.

They have all of the traits of the other corporate zombies, but they have the added bonus of devaluing everything you do or say because you are a woman. God help you if you end up supervising one of these miserable types, for they will disrespect you both for your age and your gender, generally misbehaving to make you look bad.

Combine all of this with the fact that you’ll probably trying to get a higher degree, which no one you work with will care about, and somehow try to have a social life. Your significant other will leave you because your job sucks up all of your free time. You will not be paid what your worth, and any bit of joy in your life will be systematically hunted down and exterminated. But congratulations on graduating! Poor saps…

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Cover by: Michael Stanley

Curves Weight Watchers What’s Shakin

MEDIUM

CONTENTS The Zone Atkins Trimspa Hydroxicut Lipo Somersize South Beach

Fucking Shit Up: A Girl’s Guide

By Aija McKenzie, Opinions Editress

I personally take this opportunity to welcome you back to Rutgers, I’m sure you’ve been awaiting the printing of the first Medium of the semester. We’ll be with you every Wednesday to help you get through this semester.

This past break has been interesting; many events that we are responsible for have made it to the news. I’m sure you all remember that Britney Spears married her home-town friend in Las Vegas, well she was on Ecstasy that was “accidentally” added to a cocktail of hers at one of the many bars she was hopping to-and-fro the night she decided to get married. Why you might ask, why did we do that? We chose to embarrass her to magnify the fact that she is a no talent ass clown with a nice rack, and get video tape of her having sex. Mission was a success.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez called their “relationship” quits. However, what many don’t know is that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez broke up because of she found Ben at our website, playing the “Super Happy Fun Game”. Not intended to happen, however the results considered beneficial.

One thing that we attempted to take control of, well, I tried to control personally was the outcomes of the NFL Playoffs. What I wanted was any teams but the New England Patriots and Carolina Panthers to be playing in the game, however they are. The Super Bowl seems more like the Un-Super Bowl, especially since I was told that the Half Time Lingerie Bowl was just cancelled.

I guess everything can’t go as hoped. We did get luck with the Spears marriage, honeymoon tape, and the separation of Bennifer. Hopefully J.Lo can go back to making decent movies, not shit like Gigli. If you can find this movie, it’s worth the wait to see Affleck answer a flashlight and explain to his retarded cohort that the “bay watch” is closed.

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Wednesday January 28th, 2003

“Dolor Calor Rubor Tumor.”

The uphill battle to make the scale go down…

Since I stopped growing, I’ve been more or less shaped like a juice-box. We’ll say it’s a BoKu (remember those?) cause I’m on the tall side. I made the decision to try and cut the bulk a little while back, and here’s what I found.

During the summer, it was fine. I ate all the right foods and went to the gym every day. Then came my Vegas Vacation, where I had no choice but to take advantage of the 75-cent Coors Light bottles, the $1 Margaritas (that were all syrup and ice, go for the beer instead), the endless buffets, and the 4am Burgerpipes (yeah, I’d never heard of it before Vegas, either, but a Burgerpipe is apparently ground beef shaped like a huge hot dog and served on a sub roll, and when you’re drunk with a cowboy hat on, Burgerpipe = amazing). The M&M’s factory didn’t do me any favors, either.

I had a chance to start anew during the fall semester. However, a hard day of rugby is oft followed by an awesome night of cheeseburgers and beer. Fast forward through Thanksgiving, please, on through exams (the Chinese food guy knows the “usual” for our apt. by now), and skip Christmas and New Years, too. You don’t want to see the eating that went on there. Macaroni and cheese still has nightmares about me.

So we’re back, and it’s time to make good on those resolutions you made (for once, see something through till the end!) and I did see a lot of people at the gym on the first day back. However, where did all the chunky girls go?

Though being a “sporty gal” has gotten me used to breaking a sweat regularly and in public, the gym can be an awkward place for big girls. There’s 40 feet of mirror-lined walls full of guys checking themselves out, and on the opposite wall there are 15 Denise Austins in sports bras and spandex capris.

Sometimes I feel like bitches give me the side-eye as I step on the scale, but whatever, man, suck it up and get on your machine, cause 9 times outta ten, it’s all in your head. Unless (and Fat Jenny, I’m talking to you), you’re the one in the sports bra and the spandex capris. However, I’d have to say, hands down, the hardest part of trying to trim that extra beef is your friends. Here are a few things that you “friends-of-people-who-are-trying-to-diet” should lay off of: 1. “But you’re not even fat,” or worse, “But you’re not THAT fat.” People try to tell me that, and I always have to reply with, “Dude, if I didn’t need to lose any weight, I wouldn’t have a credit card for Lane Bryant.”

2. “You’re not fat, you’re just big/tall/chunky.” Yeah, see above.

3. “Hey, you can cheat on your diet for one day.” Don’t try to make yourself feel better for eating a Big Mac meal by getting the chubby girl to eat one with you. Especially if you’re skinny, cause that shit’s gonna set her back a lot more than it will for you.

4. My personal peeve: “That diet is no good for you, it’ll (insert horrible long term side effect).” Honestly, the people who say this to you have little more information on the diet than what they heard on the channel 9 news right before the commercial break. Maybe they saw it on the stupid AIM Today banner. All in all, though, it’s up to you to read up on what you do to your own body, especially side effects.

5. “Once you go back to eating (whatever food you stopped eating), you’ll gain it all back.” Anybody who says this to you while you’re trying hard to do your thing is a cunt. Fat Jenny, I’m talking to you, especially. If you’re that hating bitch, please refrain from trying to derail your chubby peers’ diets. If someone says it to you, FJ, it’s that skinny girl that knows once you lose the weight, you won’t be the Designated Fat Friend, and maybe you’ll start getting more guys than just Black Sam. Alright, I’ve taken up enough space for now, I guess. Hopefully you girls understand what I’m talking about, Willis. Remember, I can say it, cause (whisper) – “I’m fat, too!”

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Stanley Ned Berke Dan Migliore Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Dan Migliore Brian Dwane Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Ryan Q. Beckman Brian Brzezinski Photographer Steve Toboz What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Michael Stanley Staff Artist Pancake Fiend Senior Editor Ryan G. Beckman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to everyone that thought they wouldn’t see us back for another semester: NyahNyaaaah!

Wednesday, January 28th, 2003

Editorials Status Quo of the World: It Could Use a Good Kick in the Ass

“You’re a dead bitch, you know that?”

Why Are Boys So Dumb?

By Aggressive Diva #1

So there’s been negative feedback about the “freshman Britneys.” (not that this particular one is by a Britney, but that’s what we call the opinions from my lovely first years - don’t talk shit, they’ll be the next Editresses...)

Personally I enjoy it because a) it’s a submission, which is always better than no submission, and b) it’s nice to take a stroll down memory lane, to remember going out with my floor to frat parties, and realize how much I don’t miss that shit at all - Op/Eds Note: You will have to read pointless background information before I get to the good stuff. Sorry, but had you all been there I wouldn’t have to do this, so it’s your fault, dammit.

What is the deal with guys ruining the moment these days?

This weekend I went to a frat that will remain nameless to protect Mr. Moodkiller and all his stupidity, and he almost killed my hookup. So you see I was eyeing him since I got there because he was that damn hot, and we flirted and we danced or whatever, but he kept trying to hook me up with his friend. He kept telling me that his friend, who was standing right there, thought I was hot and I should hook up with him. And I kept asking him why and why did he care. He then proceeded to give me some crap about how he wanted to see his friend happy (the shit people say when they’re drunk). But all of a sudden some other random kid, who I assumed was also a brother at the frat, said stop fighting and you two hook up. He pushed our heads together and we did hook up, and I will admit it was damn good, but that is not the point of this article. The point is what he said after. After we had been hooking up for like two minutes the damn boy has the nerve to tell me he has a girlfriend. And I’m thinking great now what am I supposed to do? Because rule has it that it’s not skanky to hook up with a guy that has a girlfriend if you didn’t know, but once you due you are now a certified skank. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I wasn’t liking it.

My question is this: why the hell did he go and tell me? I bet it was to cover his ass and make himself feel better. When it comes down to it he could always tell himself that he told me and I wouldn’t listen. And hell no I didn’t listen. You can’t start up the train and then not let it pull into the station later.

You just don’t do things like that. Guys a word of advice, if you have a girlfriend and you want to hook up with someone else, either tell her up front or don’t tell her at all. You never know, some girls get off on the fact that they’re hooking up with someone else’s man. I don’t know why but hey, whatever floats your boat. But don’t do it in the middle, that puts the girl in a compromising situation and believe me your hookup will not go nearly as far as it would have. But I digress. Anyway after 5 more minutes of hooking up and relocating to the couch, he asks me if I wanted to go somewhere. And of course I played dumb and asked him where. And he told me anywhere but where we were. And I’m thinking oh hell no! Weren’t you just playing Mr. Ihaveagirlfriend? No you will not make me anymore of a skank than I’m already acting. And besides, randomly hooking up was just that random, going somewhere, that is planned. I don’t do planned, I just don’t.

So please please please guys, spare girls the nonsense I endured this weekend. If you want her just hook up with her.

And please remember you are single unless you’re married. I don’t care if you have a girlfriend. As long as it’s not serious you can totally still go out and have fun. So what if I sound like a bitch. I do not think that people should have boyfriends and girlfriends in college. This is our time to explore, not be monogamous. And besides one of two things will happen. You will either break up or get married. If you’re not going to propose to her before winter break then it’s not that serious.

Lighten up and get some ass that you didn’t have to calculate. It really is too much trouble to plan. Be spontaneous, get ass with no strings attached, and stop being such a baby. We’re in college. Stop acting like a little boy and start acting like a

By: Look Over There Know what the world needs? A good shaking up of things, and here are some changes that I assure you will prove to be most excellent:

1. Feel like patching up hostilities between the bloody Brits and the fucking Americans? Nothing works better than having both nations start recognizing that which is Oktoberfest, cause we’re all Austrian when we’re drunk. Think about it. We Americans have Thanksgiving to celebrate killing natives, surviving, etc. and as an excuse to eat like a fatass. The Brits have Guy Fawkes day to celebrate the beatdown of the dude that tried to blow up Parliament. We’re both nations of whities with Germanic roots. Can’t we get along? That’s where Oktoberfest comes in. A national excuse to party hard would allow us to revel in our common bond, the ritual of puking it all up the morning after festivities.

2. Notice how all candidates for the office of President of the US are dicks? Simple problem, simple solution.

The problem: The major candidate of both political parties are always American, white, older, rich politicians.

The solution: Get someone who doesn’t fit that exact description, and vote for him/her! The list of possibilities include but are not limited to: Denis Leary, Hugh Hefner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Playboy Bunny, the dead body of Martin Luther King Jr., Vladimir Putin, that hot chick on the bus that any one of us guys wants to fuck, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Eminem, DMX, the ghost of Tupac, Ayumi Hamasaki, BoA, Megumi Hayashibara, Christian Bale, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Jacques Chirac, and the Pope’s Hat. Think about it.

2a. In fact, let’s go a bit in depth on why Arnold Schwarzenegger should become the President of the US. He’s Austrian. He kicks ass. His movies kick ass. I trust him more so than I trust any other politician, and you should too.

Unless you want to die at his hands in the Running Man. He already has his share of affairs, so they won’t be a surprise during his term. Sides, haven’t we learned yet that affairs at home lead to perfectly fine international relations? Besides, this country could use someone to point from the podium on national TV, and tell us all to shut the fuck up. That’s real guts; none of that going somewhere without notifying the world first bullshit. And imagine the looks on assassins’ faces as bullets bounce off his Terminator body.

2b. Don’t forget Hugh Hefner. Let him replace the Supreme Court Justices with Playboy Bunnies. Heck, have him replace all members of the government with Playboy Bunnies, or at least the Supreme Court, Senate, and White House aides. At least then the dudes of this country would finally respect the government. I know I will.

3. We all know the government keeps tabs on all of us. So hey, have the government officially recognize that fact. Then have the government work with that. We give them more tax money, they give us what we like. They know what we like, given our internet surfing habits. You like porn? The government will give you porn! You like big boobs? The government will give your wife/girlfriend/ ho a boob job or two! And if you don’t have one, the government will give you a blowup doll with giant breasts! The list goes on and on...think about it.

4. Back to the world at large; the best way to solve the situation of Iraq and all that stuff is booze. Get the two armies drunk together and let them celebrate our humanity. Make drunkenness, not war.

5. Wars. All that bloodshed and stuff, they make people mad at you, see? The solution, solve wars without killing people. People won’t get so uptight about it then. There are several options: Tic-tac-toe: War Games, except without the whole nukes are unleashed if you lose aspect.

Dance Dance Revolution: Dubya versus Osama Bin Laden in DDR, on one of the Paranoia mixes or Max 300. Or substitute Schwarzenegger for Dubya and Joe Lieberman for Osama. Think about it.

Dungeons & Dragons: Resolution, nerd style. Dubya playing pen and paper...think about it.

Soccer, or futbol: Ah, the international sport. Where else can the hooligans prove to be much more ferocious than the military?

5 little changes that would make the world better, or at least America at any rate.

Think about them. ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

If you haven’t already submitted a long-ass article, send your (maybe not-so-long ) submissions to opinions@themedium.net, and come to a Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:15, LSC 111 - Viva le Medium!

NEWS NEWS

“Friends don’t let friends claim to be metrosexual.”

Wednesday January 28th, 2004

From Budget Cuts to Cold Cuts

By The Yellow Journalist For the spring semester, Rutgers has instituted a new meal plan in light of recent budget cuts and constant complaints about Rutgers dining. The latest round of budget cuts at Rutgers has had students scraping for ways to pay the increased tuition. Inlight of such complaints, Rutgers has turned toclassical literature for the answer. In the vein of Jonathan Swift's historical document "A Modest Proposal," Rutgers had decided that students should eat each other (and not babies) to solve the budget crisis. Rutgers’ new meal plan reduces meal plan costs per student, reduces the student to teacher ratio, increase the quality of graduates and combat health problems such as obesity in students while simultaneously quelling all complaints about Rutgers dining halls.

The new meal plan gives each student a hunting knife, a fork, a George Foreman grill (only to be used in designated cooking areas), a choice of sauce (BBQ or ketchup), and a piece of string. For twenty dollars more, students who can purchase a better meal plan that includes extra hunting equipment such as boning knives, extra condiments like mustard and mayo, and a mystery box with a special surprise inside. Rutgers will not cater to special eating needs of students nor maintain dining halls anymore thus cutting costs. Also, microfridges have been removed from dorms since the administration does not want students microwaving food or storing food in its desire to have students eat fresher foods.

While most hunting supplies will be provided, students must grow their own “Tom Selleck style ‘staches.

The administration believes the new plan will better the atmosphere of the Rutgers by reducing obesity, lower class sizes, solve the problem of overcrowding in dorms, and increase the rate of graduation. The plan solves the problems of obesity by forcing students to work out to obtain food or to outrun predators. The rate of graduation increases as students get more professor attention, dumber students are eliminated, and because students wish to graduate in four years instead of waiting longer. The administration also expects fewer victims of the RU screw in the coming years.

Proponents of the new meal plan point to added benefits such as fewer annoying students, fewer vegetarians, and less crowding in buses by having students eat each other. Only a few days into the plan, cries of "Get the fat one!" and "Get the vegans first!" were heard amongst students today. In response to hearing this, McCormick said, “The new meal plan is proceeding exactly as I expected. Within a few weeks, I expect all the vegans and slower students will be gone. Since students pay in the beginning of the semester, the extra funds can go towards attracting new staff, building improvements, and brothels.” He also pointed out that surviving Rutgers graduates will be much better prepared to meet the heavy demands in the dog eat dog world outside college. “The surviving students will be smarter, in great physical shape, and know how to prepare nutritious meals at home.”

When asked about the inspiration for this plan, McCormick said “Though Swift was the main source, the book, Lord of the Flies, the movie Battle Royale, and Soylent Green were other sources of inspiration.”

Detractors of the new meal plan complained that Swift's original writing was satirical in nature and not meant to be taken seriously, but they were promptly ambushed by hungry students after protesting without adequate cover in the Voorhees Mall.

Wednesday January 28th, 2004

“It’s not so much an afterlife, more of an apres vie.”

NEWS

Rutgers to Extend Knight Express Debit Program to Grease Trucks Encourage Students to Eat More “Fat Dykes and Bitches” By: Michael Stanley In a move that brought joy to thousands of students across campus, the Rutgers University Accounting office announced that the Grease Trucks will begin to accept Knight Express dollars for payment. This change is becoming effective immediately, each Grease Truck will simply swipe your Rutgers ID and the amount of the meal, plus a 25-cent transaction fee will be withdrawn from your account.

From now until the end of February the university will waive the 25-cent transation fee in an effort to encourage the students to “eat more fat bitches” according to a press release in a less reliable university campus news paper.

This is an accomplishment that much of the University Community has been asking for the past three years. The most difficult part of the procedure of bringing Knight Express to the Grease trucks was the University’s acceptance of allowing their Rutgers officials hope that allowing Knight Express usage at the Grease Trucks will pave debit program to exist at a spot where “Drunken idiots make asses of them- the way to a much more diverse offering of food vendors. selves” commented an employee of the University, Kenneth Reynolds, who was later fired after being discovered masturbating while he read Ziggy comics.

As part of your New Year’s Resolutions: 1. Shave off that fucking mullet.

2. Write news articles for The Medium!

When you get back from the barbershop, send your news articles to: news@themedium.net

This employee also informed the Medium that the University “wasn’t exactly ‘gung-ho’ about allowing money given for a use that is productive or beneficial for the students at the University, not supporting terrorism through the purchase of Middle Eastern foods and asking for ‘extra lettuce’ on a sandwich and getting drugs for an additional $20.”

When asked for comment, one of the workers at one of the Grease Trucks said "Praise Allah, now that more kids can afford to eat at my truck, my falafels will make me famous as I have always dreamed!" The employees of the Grease Trucks were seen partying late last Saturday night where they were giving away “fat cocks” to any female who asked. Sadly as many females found out, it wasn’t a sandwich, but an offer to perform fellatio to an employee of the trucks for a $4 sandwich. To the amazement of many, over 40 free sandwiches were distributed between 2:30am and 5:00am, early Sunday Morning.

Every week this semester, I will create an advertisement for a real, but embarrasingly named product. This week: Natural ice lip gloss!

GMG

“The devil’s knockin’ down my front door, killin’ me with strife.” Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

The Life and Times of Raoul Dan By: Raoul Dan Ocean Gate, Part 1 It was the summer, and we were on a trip to enjoy all the benefits of having a house run completely by alcoholic junk-heads. And so it began, a mad dash down the Garden State Parkway into the small waterside town of Ocean Gate. There were three of us, and we were ready for whatever we might encounter.

Or at least that’s what we thought.

We pulled into the driveway, anxious to get our two days of intoxication, beach, and women. But we had to accomplish a small mission first. We had drugs; like American Express, we didn’t leave home without them. We had enough ketamine to sedate a small Bolivian army, and we were ready to use it.

But it was the liquor that worried us. We knew we were in for a rough couple of days. In addition to the K, we already had 4 bottles of whiskey, of assorted brands and with varied amounts of liquid in each bottle. We had two 30-packs of Budweiser, and another two of Coors.

We also had two quarts of rum, and a bottle of vodka. But would it last?

We were in for the long haul. This weekend was going to count for something. And we had an air rifle with us. Not for any particular reason, but when you are getting good and fucked up, you need some fun toys.

All of this was already at the house, we didn’t dare drive across various counties with a trunk full of liquor; as underage as we were, it would be sheer stupidity. In Northern Jersey, liquor was easy to come by; I had been known by name at my local liquor store since I was 15. But the Pineys of South Jersey were not the type of people we were used to.

My credentials, while technically real, would probably not be not accepted. It was not a good way to start. But luck was on our side.

A short drive from the place where some back-woods yokel had turned me down in my quest for alcohol, we found another liquor store.

Having been to the area before, I knew all the places to go. I wasn’t about to leave myself without at least three back-up stores.

So we pulled into the parking lot of a dingy liquor store. At one time, the sign might have read “Route 9 Wine and Spirits”, but neglect of the neon bulbs left only a handful of assorted letters. Perfect. This was just the place we needed. I entered the store, leaving the Red Shark outside and running. You couldn’t be too careful with the cops in this area, they were always looking to bust some kid from “Up North“. I had to be ready to run the moment trouble reared its ugly face.

The lady inside was obviously bored and tired. She probably had worked a day shift at some other minimum wage job, and was now looking at a long nightshift to make rent. This was a very good sign. She wasn’t here to argue with me about my age. She just wanted me to go away, and the quicker the better. We acquired our drink with little resistance. She didn’t even ask for my ID. And so, beer in hand, I loaded up the Shark. My associate was, in a manner of speaking, a veterinarian, and will be referred to as such.

He was the one who made the whole weekend possible. We had one other associate with us, the man who knew almost everything we would need to know about the narcotics we would be putting into our bodies.

Dr. Squid, as he was known at the time, was anxious to get into the drugs.

The beer was of no consequence to him. It would only diminish his KHole.

But for the Vet and myself, alcohol was the key ingredient in mixing up our altered state of consciousness. But we had forgotten one crucial ingredient, the limes. How can you drink a Corona without a lime?

It’s almost barbaric!

Unfortunately, we had made this realization only after we had started into the house booze. But it was of no matter, the streets were empty, and it was only a short drive down some back-roads. Cops didn’t come to this place unless they were asked. No sense in disturbing the locals. So off we went...

In the next issue of The Medium, read about the quest for limes, and see what happens when the Shark dies...

Hey! It’s a new year, a new semester, and a new chance to join us at the weekly Medium meeting.

So swing by LSC Room 111 at 9:15 and see what the Medium is all about. You think you know, but you have no idea. Punch and pie will be served.

If you bring punch and pie.

Hey look...one’s a primitive being, and the other is a monkey. Well, at least one of them has a look of intelligence. Good for you, monkey! But seriously, I think we’ve found the missing link. Tell me how I’m an unpatriotic, pinko commie terrorist by emailing me a story, witty observation, or your own Bush bashing at Features@themedium.net. Bush sucks. Subtlety rules!

Words of wisdom from my bartender: “You don’t need to listen to the State of the Union Address to know whats going on in our country. You just have to read a fucking newspaper.”

Drinking Game of the Week: Think ‘n’ Drink By: Beerman Ok, kids, this is a simple one. And all you need is at least two people and massive amounts of beer. You begin by picking a category. I’ll use famous people for the purpose of explanation. Think of the name of a famous person, for example, “Bradley Nowell”. Now the next person thinks of the name of a famous person whose name begins with the first letter of the last name. If you’re keeping score at home, that would be an “N”. So you could use “Nicole Kidman”. The next person would think of a “K” name, like “Kurt Cobain”. Simple enough, right? Now, if someone comes up with a double letter name, like “Connie Chung”, the order of rotation reverses. You know, like in Uno. If you get a one word name, like, say, “Cleopatra”, you just go with the last letter of the name. Now you may be asking where the drinking comes in. Well, every time you have to stop and think of a name, you drink while you think! Anyone wanna guess where the name of this game comes from?

If you can’t think of a name, or you finish your beer before you think of one, you get a strike. Three of them, and you’re out. So there’s yet another game you can play, and remember, “Get fucked up, stay fucked up.” And then if you want, you can roll to the club in a Navigator truck.

Welcome Back

By Matt Dotsko Ah, another great semester at Rutgers. I’ll just carry my stuff in. Wait, what’s that? It snowed? Well, that’s no problem, good old Rutgers will plow the parking lot so I can safely carry in my stuff. Rutgers didn’t plow?

Oh well, no worry, surely they will salt the paths and I will be safe. They didn’t salt the paths? I’ll slip carrying in my computer costing me hundreds of dollars and possible injury? The commute to classes for the next day or two will be on solid ice? Hmm, this is a problem. In particular the parking lot next to Busch housing is a mess. If you park there you know exactly what I mean, it’s a solid sheet of ice. How everyone is going to fit again when you have to park a space apart or slide into somebody is beyond me. TAKE CARE OF THE FUCKING ICE. This has happened before, but this year is by far the worst. As of Sunday January 25 there is still ice literally covering all of the spaces. I pay seven grand a semester to a college that can’t go out and buy a seven-dollar bag of salt. What seems wrong with this equation? Anyway, welcome back to a slushy, icy death.

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

“Who’s got the herb, in New Brunswick?”

Features

20 Questions for Doug Stanhope By: Troy Crowder Maybe you’ve seen him co-hosting Comedy Central’s “The Man Show”, but this week you can see comedian Doug Stanhope in person. He’ll be at The Stress Factory Thursday thru Saturday nights, delivering his sick and twisted brand of comedy to anyone who shows up. Doug agreed to an email interview for The Medium and even agreed to give you shits some advice. Read on!

The Medium: With your current Man Show hosting duties, are you looking forward to a future career of hosting a network late-night show that nobody watches?

Doug Stanhope: Man Show was never a career, just a paycheck. The fact that nobody watches it doesn’t matter. I don’t watch it. If I could do anything on television, it would be to make a show that was so bad that no one would want to watch television at all anymore. Television is horrible but man can it pay some bills.

Medium: Are the Juggies as hot in person, when they don’t have a camera shoved up their snatch?

DS: One of them is.

Medium: How’d you talk your mother into reviewing porn movies on The Man Show?

DS: Mother is a camera whore and would *do* porn if it meant recognition and some scratch ticket money.

Medium: I read that you were stopped from doing jokes about SARS on The Man Show.Is there a more surprising case of censorship you’ve encountered there?

DS: There’s hundreds but the one that made me want to quit was the “Make Me Stiff” episode, a spoof of “Make Me Laugh” where contestants tried not to get wood in different sexual circumstances. We had a midget fellating a banana, a naked stripper on a trampoline, a transvestite that lap danced topless and then pulled out her junk in his face, etc. All that was okayed by the censors. All but the original title of “Make Me Hard” which had to be changed last minute to “Make Me Stiff”. “Hard” seemed a little rough, they said.

Medium: Despite the loud, rousing responses you get from the Man Show audience, has it occured to you that they’re mostly just idiots who miss the subtle political points you raise (such as the idiocy of prostitution being illegal)?

DS: Yes. Without question. But the subtle points we made were the only thing that allowed us to do the show in good conscience.

Medium: What made you want to do stand-up comedy? Or, why didn’t you get a real job?

DS: I just fell into it. Never really did plan much in life. Most plans - if not all - are futile. If you just go where it goes, it usually winds up good.

Medium: What do you do on the days you just don’t feel like being funny?

DS: Drink.

Medium: What do you think is the more controversial part of your act, the politically themed material or the sexually themed material?

DS: The non-smut, point of view stuff is what gets people riled up.

Medium: Do you think that this material keeps you from getting more gigs?

DS: It keeps me from getting some gigs - I won’t be on Bill O’Reilly anytime soon. But I have more gigs than I can do.

Medium: You’re not unfamiliar with people walking out on your act. Was there a time when this was difficult for you to deal with?

DS: It only irks me when they walk without really understanding what I’m saying. If they walk because they take offense with the premise without hearing the point, then I wanna chase ‘em to the parking lot and make them hear me out.

Medium: Have you ever told a joke that you regretted, either on stage or in private?

DS: I made a joke about a burn victim once - saying that the only reason it looked like he was laughing was because he had no lips. He walked out crying and I felt like a dick. Still do, years later.

Medium: How do you maintain a relationship with your wife with your being on the road and working in Los Angeles with her in Colorado?

DS: Like I said, you just go where it goes and it’s usually good.

Medium: What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

DS: Beer. Weak, watered-down American beer. And an occasional Jager. I drink red wine on the nights that I decide not to drink.

Medium: Many of my readers are getting started in the world of boozing and are making the mistakes that come with inexperience (and I have the pictures to prove it). Any advice for them in this crucial stage?

DS: It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Medium: My readers are mostly losers who can’t get laid. What should they do to get laid more often?

DS: If you can afford it, pay for it.

Saves a lot of troubles.

Medium: Do you have any advice for fresh-faced college kids on the verge of graduating and heading into the world?

DS: No, but I will when all of their expectations have come crumbling to the ground.

Medium: George W. Bush: evil person or just a well-meaning idiot?

DS: Evil-meaning idiot.

Medium: If you hate America so much, why don’t you just move somewhere else, you stinking commie?

DS: One of my favorite comments of all time. America is no more than a government and a piece of land. I don’t hate the land, and people I judge on an individual level. That leaves government. And government blows.

And even the people who say “If you don’t like it, why don’t you move somewhere else?”.Funny, you never hear that from left-leaning types.

Nobody ever yells that at Pro-Life people, lets say, though it would make equal sense. Besides, it shows the arrogance that you think that any other country would be proud to have any American show up at their steps and expect free access. I’m as welcome to jump the border into Amsterdam or Costa Rica as much as you’d welcome another Haitian or Pakistani.

Medium: Do you think that drugs will ever be legalized in America? What about (widespread) prostitution?

DS: Drugs more likely than prostitution, lighter drugs anyway. You’d like to believe that once the baby Boomers who grew up with Reefer Madness are thankfully dead and the old guard beome the folks who have actually experienced drugs with little or no ill result, that laws will become less abusive. But who fucking knows.

Medium: What’s the best place to go for good, cheap whores?

DS: The best place I have been is the Del Rey Hotel in San Jose, Costa Rica. But I have never been to Bangkok or the Phillipines, so maybe I’m not the authority.

Medium: My landlady’s a bitch. How can I screw her over good when I move out?

DS: Living well is the best revenge. Failing that, leave roadkill in the airducts or under some floorboards.

Doug Stanhope will be appearing at The Stress Factory on Thursday thru Saturday this week. The Stress Factory is located at 375 George Street, call 732-545-4242 for tickets. Check out audio clips of Stanhope at http://www.dougstanhope.com

Arts

“The fuckin’ bay watch is closed, okay Brian?”

Wednesday January 28th, 2004

Maybe because you Cuddles, all I get control their fate, all is compliments omnipotent idiot.

“Oh all omnipotent this” or “All powerful that” I like the compliments, but they just seem a little forced.

Why would compliments be forced?

I’m sorry goodlooking, wellhung, Take that sexy back or God. burn!!!!

America’s Funniest Home Videos Faces Scrutiny After the Airing of the 9/11 disaster By: Brian Dwane The lines dubbed over the catastrophic event: “Hey! I think I can fly. Uh-oh! No I can’t!” as the victims of the world trade center jumped out of the flaming building left few laughing Saturday evening.

“I guess this is bad for our show, but not as bad as stale cheese ha ha,” Bob Saget’s comment left no one laughing. “I mean come on, no one is getting jiggy with that! Get it? I’m white. It’s ironic. Ha ha ha,” no one laughed. “I mean come on..” he accidentally farted. I laughed, but sadly no one could laugh at the disrespect the show displayed for the tragedy.

“My brother died in that tragedy and it is offensive to try to make his death seem humorous. My whole entire family was appalled when instead of giving the horrific crash the somber respect it deserved, Bob Saget voiced over ‘Oops looks like I shouldn’t have let a monkey be my copilot dorf!’ I don’t even know why this show is on air. It’s just not funny,” commented Frank Sternberg.

The broadcasting company ABC apologized for the content of Saturday’s show. “What? How is that show still being syndicated?

Huh? What? Oh. America’s Funniest Home Videos, was cancelled the first season, but I guess they never knew. You see, we try to avoid confrontations here, so instead of outright telling the producers of America’s Funniest Home Videos that they were cancelled we did it in a roundabout sort of way. First we had a conference. We said everybody that’s show is still on the air raise your hand, not so fast Bob Saget. We stopped paying their checks, but I guess they still kept coming in and somehow the show continued to get broadcast. The show is cancelled as of now.”

For people like Frank Sternberg the cancellation of America’s Funniest Home Videos was a relief, but some of the contestants the show’s timely demise was lamented. “This is how we make our money. Our baby has won the weekly prize for funniest video ten times now. Now, “accidentally” pushing our baby off of a table or “accidentally hitting him in the head with a bat will only be funny to us. We can’t live off of laughs alone! We need to get paid!”

Although the cancellation of America’s Funniest Home Videos is a controversial topic for six people, the majority of people agree that the show sucked.

NOPE.

Did you really mean that?

AWW shucks

Brian’s Movie Reviews You Got Served-(90,345 Dwane points) You better pick this movie up from the floor because it’s fallen off the hook!

You’ll find that the roof is getting a little low, so you might have to raise it while watching this romp. The movie is about four people who are waiting for their food. It takes them a total of 124 minutes to get their food and just as the movie is almost over and you think these people are going to stay hungry, AND THEN a badass waiter named Skittles pops out and screams “BAM! You just got served!” and then everyone slaps hi-five and people stand up and applaud the projectionist because his movie was so good. The movie is loaded with tears and jeers.

Bringing some laughs to the movie is a retarded boy, who keeps asking for a mountain bike, because he doesn’t know that they don’t serve mountain bikes at restaurants. It is also a battle of good versus evil because there is a bully character that won’t stop giving the protagonist “Chet” wet willies. Man, does that bully get what’s coming to him! How? Well, you have to catch “You Got Served to Find out” The movie is rated R for mild nudity, violence, and bad dialogue. (action/adventure) Big Fish-(154,652 Dwane points) When the parents of Buddy (their retarded son) decide they want to get rid of him for the night they decide to tie him to a leash in the backyard. They tell him to search for a “Big Fish” that is somewhere in their backyard. Buddy goes on a 112 minute search for this “Big Fish.” Buddy tries to search the whole entire backyard, but his leash only spans about half of it, which causes Buddy to choke himself every few minutes and causes the audience to be tickled with happiness.

At the end of the night, Buddy’s parents lock the door and leave him outside with the “Big Fish,” which brings tears to the viewer’s eyes. Does Buddy ever catch the fish or do his parents ever let him back into the house? See the movie to find out.

My Baby’s Daddy-CRAP. My Son, the Cannibal- (14 Dwane points) This is a story about the bond between father and son. When Mr. Jenkin’s son starts eating people his love for his son comes into question. Will he be persuaded by the angry relatives of the people his son has eaten to send him to a mental institute or will he accept his son for who he is? (Unrated, 15 minutes)

Be sure to come to this weeks meeting at 9:15 in room 111 of the Livingston Student Center. Come by and bring your friends. You don’t have friends, well we’ll be your friends. (Read: for sexual favors)

Dude, My Parents are Dead- (600,005 Dwane points) When the fun-loving, party animal Ted tries to party his life away, his parents are there to crack down on his good time. Ted can’t seem to even smoke a “Dooby” without his annoying father taking it away. Then one day all of that changes, when Ted gets a call that his parents are dead. After he finds out his parents are dead, it’s party central for Ted. Pretty soon Ted realizes that when mom and dad are gone things can go wrong. So, Ted has to play puppetry of the parent with the bodies of his dead parents to convince “the gang” that they’re not dead. The movie ends on a happy note when Ted and the gang finally get LAID by a “slut in the closet.” It’s a laugh-o-rama when Ted realizes that it was no slut, but the body of his dead father.

Also be sure to submit anything arts related to arts@themedium.net. Comics, movie, book or CD reviews. It’ll be an ice-cream testical experience.

The Crocodile Hunter at a Dashboard Confessional Concert- (145,017 Dwane points) “Kriaky! It’s a bunch of whiny pussies! Watch what happens when I smack them with this stick. Oh they’re really crying now. Oh yea look at this one, he’s a punk rocker! More like a raging faggot eh?” Whenever anyone says they like the band he jumps out behind a bush and punches them in the head. “Kriaky!

This kind of music sucks a man’s penis right up into his body cavity and forms a vagina! You don’t want a vagina if you’re a man! Kriaky!” This movie rocks.

(We here at the medium do not support clown haters in any way... i hope the kid who sent this personal in gets hit by a bus... yeah you heard me asshole, i’m talking to you... or the smaller kid behind you.) to that kid who was in my expos class last semester and is now in my calc 2 class... i just want to say that i spent all winter break lost in thoughts about running my hands all over your loose skin, shining from the sweat streaking off of your body as you struggle to breathe. I’ll be hoping that you read this and find me.

to the girl in the jew class: your blonde and beautiful, i wanna slap your rear and def hit it from behind to badass betty aka betH... sorry i missed your bday but happy 21st!! can’t wait to see you shitfaced at the bars. (what about after the bars...

OHHH no i didn’t) beastiality? (thanks no... and you can take that penis out of my doll too) svett- you give the best damn head anyone could ask for on the College Ave campus. Anyone lucky enough to get some from you is in for a magical time (No way man... you need to get one of those toothless mexican transvestite hookers... now THAT’S a blowjob)

bitches don’t know that they (Find him... that’s some need to make my pancakes bullshit... just tell the porker with bacon in them you like him... OR even bet- (I can’t picture a person who ter... just go up to him in eats bacon pancakes to be a class, pull him close... and big lady killer... unless it’s by whisper the next personal crushing them to death with into his ear... he’ll be yours his fat fat body) is it wrong to slice the bottom of a twinkie open... wrap it around a boy’s wang and eat it off of him?

chip... you are the worst human being alive... if i took a shit on the ground, put legos in one half to make a brain, and then to all the hot girls i’d love to put 2 chopsticks through it, one have sex with... i’m thinking of for legs, the other for arms... you naked when i fuck the it’d still be a better person than you are grease truck guys i love you dan

(i thought i was the only one to blow those guys for fat to the kid next to me at the cats... guess not... i’m no spe- computer lab on monday cial snow flake... i’m nothing. night... you’re dreamy... and yo ilLya... who is a punk? are also in my class.... i had a you? are you some chump? do dream with you in it last night... you really think you can be you at marshmellows and peaking? i don’t know... i kicked nuts like a monkey your ass with cones and we’re (is it me... or did that not pretty even as far as the bamake any sense) zooka can tell.... hope you gee... i wish this personal were enjoy your turkish YO! about me to those at Finale... you rock to that kid who wanted a permike s. = my god... my sex sonal written about him... god you’re super cool. i want to ryan: your my one and only watch you play with roller butterfly, i want you to dedi- skates... but not skating in cate this paper to me. Love them... useing them to shave...

Scott the back of your neck... or your (aww... cuz... i love you too... eyebrows. but in a less familial way) the president is dead u suck mad wang ryan-you are mad funny, you (that’s right... dead tired of touch people in so many ways, being sober and having prosometimes even enough to get tected sex... time for more arrested, if any really hot girls babies than you can put a send you their pictures please stick through... i mean... forward them to me, holla shake a stick at.) black, Rob consumer value store

monsters ate my brains

to all the clowns that pop balloon animals... you fail at life... kill yourself... or a small child... and then use their innards to make an unbreakable balloon animal... full of feces. scratch that... just kill yourself.

“My pee tastes like a lemon snow cone....” to the frat boy in hegeman... you are so cute... i want to take your visor away from you and sleep with it at night so i can smell your coolwater cologne and wet my bed.

(I’ll wet your bed... ok if these personals don’t make sense... my comments don’t have to either. poo + 3.14 = poo pi = poo pie = poopy hey larry... you keep telling yourself about your 10 inch cock and maybe i’ll give it back to you... and by that i mean... i’ll be having sex with you... with a couple extra inches of toilet paper tube taped on to the end of my cock... it’s great because it’s the perfect substitution for a condom. to the homeless man using this as a blanket... don’t get your shitstains on this personal... it’s to you. (as a soon to be homeless college grad... this personal deeply offended me... also because i am covered in poo) there are only 3 things that are circles... cheese plates and bears (that’s from the state... fucker) To that jackoff of a Chemistry teacher,I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!! YOU RUINED MY FIRST YEAR FUCKER!!!!

FUCK YOU NAZI!!! YOU DESERVE TO GET RUN OVER BY THE RUTGERS H BUS AND DIE A RUTGERS DEATH!!! FUCK YOU!F U C K Professor ~!!!!!@!@!!@!

You left wing whack jobs if you hate America so much MOVE! Your lack of respect for the country that brought you to where you are now is utterly disgraceful! oh yeah good job on showing the fatalities of war that was a great move. Try getting your red diaper doper baby on the line someday and come home to some peace and love hippy spitting on you! Get the hell out of my country that I hold dear to my heart, go to Saudi Arabia where they will burn you at the steak! if were so bad her why does everyone want to come here????? Yeah all those Mexicans cant be right eh? compared to their native lands this place is an oasis! You need to get a taste of the real world not some filtered screen that your mommy and daddy have put you through your whole life. You people make me sick! You want to argue just do it!

Personals Personals

Come to the medium meeting tonight at 9:15 in the Livingston Student Center in room 111...

or you could end up like this kid... broken arms and cool hair.

The medium is stupid, I just wonder what kind of lowlife would read this piece of shit. (sterile celibate fools, that’s who... well... i guess i’m not the only reader but....)

Who the hell does that loser think he is? No one I mean no one has the right to shut the medium down, the last bastion of FREE SPEECH in this Nazi University. I mean come on, since when did we become so right-wing like Harvard or Princeton? We dont care about these empty threats!

Who gives a fuck if some gayass dothead makes some threats about shutting us down? I dont give a fuck unless they try to suicide bomb me or put a gun up my ass!

God Bless America, Freedom is the freedom to promote hate and stupidity!The Real Me

To the guys that were outside my window. I did not say ".niggers." So you know, I had just got a dick in the ear from Webreg for the 3rd time in as many semesters, and I was really fucking pissed I said "..Rutgers". But knowing that you broke my window because you thought I said "fuck you niggers" just goes to show how it's you, the kind of African American that gives the rest a bad name, and not us "crackers," that perpetuate negative stereotypes. Thanks for breaking my window and proving my point before I even needed to make it. (you sort of shot your own argument down at the end when you point out that you would’ve called them niggers given the opportunity... dumb racist... choke on a dick)

(this person is either very confused or just a fucking the ultimate... penis in vagina... no... sex moron... die... painfully) BAR t a i am

gh thou

Battle of the sexes girls are not dumb simply becuase they are girls... it is because their vaginas have somehow ingested their brains and regurgitated them back up... but now... the brain is covered in a thick coating of vaginal fluid and menstrual blood (ok... that made me want to die)

boys are dumb (... ok, well maybe next week there’ll be more of a back and forth here....)

FILLE R

Wednesday January 28th, 2004

Personals Personals

“send personals to personals@themedium.net”

As a representative of the minorities I am still offended by the racist rhetoric in the medium. Please stop making disparaging remarks against African Americans, Hispanics, and Asians. We are tired of your antics please put a stop to this nonsense. (this person had 3 racist personals on the last page... stop playing with my emotions man....) the Medium is great, it's free speech and a way to vent. For all those ignorant people in the Rutgers community who are against it walk on by, it's a paper, there are worse things to worry about than this paper.

Staff you rock, I'd love to become a staff member!!!<3 Oh and to that girl on the 6th floor of the N. Tower, I so want to fuck you...

This is to my thieving ass roommate, first off, you are too fat to wear my clothing so stop!

Second, you are ugly as hell, and by the way, stop meeting guys online to suck their dick, you have a rep here on Rutgers, My cunt to be exact, and you are a freshman, and the funny part is it tells me you give bad head? It's embarrassing to have company over because you stink like my pussy and my friends have smelled you!

Also, make some fuckin' friends because I am tired of being yours. I want to be able to fuck my 'guy partner' once in a while, second thought maybe you can learn how to give head from me because my guy partner says "no one will ever give better head than [I] do." You're a dirty, nasty hoe, that gives bad head, here's a tip, learn from me!!

(i... know a guy that lives there... you seem skanky... wanna dip my balls in your mouth? ps... i heart you) yo to the girls in greek and roman myth... you guys are stars... super stars... don’t worry about my ringworm that gave you a rash... i’m sure it’s gone to the land of forgotten cookies by now.

To all the asian girls on campus. I think you are all beautiful. I love asian girls.I find you all exotic and sexy. If you want some loving with some spicy latinflavor, contact me through the medium. Take advantage of our best MSN Dial-up offer of the year — six months @$9.95/month. Sign up now!

(i don’t know about you... but when the words go past the 5th line... i stop reading) To the ass fag from the trumpet section who claims, "they put out" NO YOU DON'T you stupid fagot. Come up with something else you shit-forbrains. If the trumpets really "put out" there would be no need for a trombone or saxophone section. So here's an idea: stop lying to yourselves you presumptuous pricks, learn a real instrument, and stop attempting to over compensate for the lack of substance in your pants. -c

Rules to follow for sending personals 1. No printing of anything that would single out who the personal is about.

This means no full names, obvious first of last names, e-mail addresses, phone numbers of sort or room numbers.

Good Example: to your mom... next time you have a baby that ugly you better home i don’t see you... and if i do... you better hope i don’t have a coat hanger with me.

Bad Example: Hey Ashlakhapth at 950 Hargenbergh Hall, I’m in love with your pet turtle... sometimes i sneak into your room at night and put him in my ass... then in your mouth. love and kisses... peach.

2. Personals must be sent from Rutgers e-mail addresses. This means your e-mail address must end in “@eden.rutgers.edu or @rci.rutgers.edu” All of you assholes sending shit from AOL and hotmail... we cannot and will not print your personals, so don’t bother. E-mail addresses are kept confidential, so don’t worry, submit your shit.

3. Never... ever have protected sex. Either remain a virgin until you get hitched... or live on the edge... hell condoms break all the time... and girls always forget to take the pill... don’t get caught off guard when you have a kid... know that it’s coming... so fuck early... fuck often... and fuck fun... without condoms.

4.Don’t forget to hug your personals editors....

5. Last and not least, be sure to send in your personals to us at personals@themedium.net.

To that girl who helped me get my girl, indirectly. Yeah I've thanked you a ton of times, and I'm sure you know how appreciative I am of your actions.

You fuckin' rock. Now, if only (how many of you would pay you could not show up late to to see the band get into a New Years and see me drunk nerd war? it’d be like the as hell. Haha, it was a ton of (hey... i knew some busted super fat players take on the fun. Atleast what I remember. asian girl... she got hit by a super skinny ones from to ill, fall and ni... you girls are great... new years was chill... bus and died... it was very nintendo’s ice hockey) sad... sad she had lived to ryan,we've been friends for a maybe... i don’t remember... begin with) long time and i thought i should but... who am i again? crap hey, can i give you a personal? let you know...i'm having your (problems with alcohol and baby. see you later, lily substance abuse are not (sounds like “can i blow funny. now where’s my coke) (... .) you”... and yes) to all the pussies who write retarded personals to girls who Ci ily r they’re too scared to talk to in m ca ss Fa person, you are all pathetic. stop fucking up the personals with your corny-ass notes, it’s so sad that you think these girls are going to read it and actually talk to you. you are all flamers who are just too ugly to talk to girls yourself. grow some testicles pillowbiters. (looks like one ugly girl got stood up at the prom.)

“Son, stop that right now...! I have a perfectly good mouth.”

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

to that hot ass dadlani in all my ITI classes: HELL YEAH BOOOY! you make me want to philosophize about buddha and the buddha... and buddha... ROCK the Cock? (... hot ass what?) dauktr.blogger.com to that hawaiian girlie who lives with that girl i went to HS with.

What has been up? You better plan on hanging out with me this semester, I figure the ole' equation of anything + alcohol = fun. I hope you had a fun time in the Phillipines. Gimmie a call, scrraaaaap To the Ho that sucks dick through her basement window, like its a drive through window at micky D’s, you really need to fix yourself up I mean you stink like semen and your hair looks raggedy from all the times you’ve gotten that shit all up in your hair, and those bumps on your lips are warts, you need to get that shit checked out asap.

This is kim and according to a personal written last week i am a "raunchy white eclipse humper". wow. your jealousy is practically dripping off the page. i'm so glad you took the time out of your meaningful life to not only write a personal but to also tack it up on my door. didn't high school end a few months ago? and i'm also glad that you let me know about my flat ass. but you see i'm cool with my flat ass and so are all the guys who hung the picture of me posing on my eclipse on their doors. and as for my ass being "all up in your face" you wouldve had to walk up to the picture in order to see my ass. so you kinda had to put your face up to the picture now didn't ya? if it wasn't for people like you i dont know how i'd get thru my day. i love having someone to laugh at. pathetic, simple-minded people can be so funny sometimes. but just remember how much damage a car can do to the human body. think about that next time you walk thru the crosswalk you pussy. so the next time my name's in your mouth, choke on it and die bitch.

SUBMIT YOUR SHIT! send personals to Personals@themedium.net pen 15 club for EVA

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004 wanna know why the best record store ever is Sound Express? they have the expanded reissue of "Sports" by Huey Lewis And The News for $5. that's a fucking steal, people!!! if you were gay i'd fuck yr sister I just want to say fuck you to the piece of shit proffesor I had last semester who thinks he knows how to teach.

Does your PhD stand for phlagrantly homosexual dickhead, becuase it certainly doesnt seem to qualify you to teach matlab. Maybe next semester you will actually grade some fucking midterms?

I'm sure glad that class is dunn.

PS Go BROOKLYN NETS, bring home those fucken eastern conference titles Really Anal Masturbating Into Zoo Insects So Greatly After Your gay escapades bear TO THAT HAIRY MOTHER FUCKER THAT NOBODY LIKES AT ALL... NOBODY LIKES YOU, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING FAG. YOU MUST BE SAD BECAUSE YOUR GAY LOVER FAILED OUT OF SCHOOL. DAMN WE HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING GAY BEAR THAT CANT HANDLE A BEER, BUT CAN HANDLE A COCK, LIKE A MEAN MAN SANDWICH to that hot assed chick that's been giving me the best sex ever, if you stop what you've been doing.. i swear to god (or whatever there is) you'll regret it.. two words.. donkey punch (gotta love the donkey punch)

*high voice* “I believe in a thing called love”

Hey Rutgers - Thanks for making the transfer process the worst thing ever. It would be easier to find bin laden then to transfer to rutgers. The admissions people are lazy and never updated my shit online, thanks assholes. Financial aid is a mess. I don't get money because of who i am, fuck you FAFSA. Fuck that asshole who yelled at the bus driver.

Hey dipshit can you imagine what's it like to drive a big fucking bus in a crouded city. I guess not numb nuts. All those people who don't go to rutgers and ride the bus should stop being lazy and get a fucking job so they can get a car and build a life. I'm tired of paying for lazy fucks!! Did anyone notice all that ice?? How come they cant clean that shit up?? I can't wait to break my ass on the ice and sue the shit out of RU. Fuck you community colleges, especially ocean county colto the lx bus driver, fuck you lege. They cant even send tranbitch, koreans are not funny, scripts correctly. Thank god i'm you pus filled, shit eating ex- not in that Shitbox anymore, but cuse for a white cunt bus now it looks like im in another. driver!

Sincerely, Pissed off newbie. to that fucking idiot whore To that girl who was so like "oh bitch driver that almost hit my just put it in me" I'm so glad I FUCKING CAR in lot 104 on "put it in you" maybe can I put LC. Learn to fucking drive you it in you someother time in cunt-whore. It's obvious that some other ways? heh.. you cannot drive since I saw your rear bumped hanging off To that asshole asian cunt who your car. If only I had eggs or totally ran that stop sign, I so should have rammed into your could throw fireballs... car while you were on your cell about the telefund sucks it, big phone. Why don't you learn to time article and to the stupid girl open your eyes and pay attenwho wrote it...before you start tion to driving! CUNT! to complain about something, you better make sure you have (It has been proven in a court all of your facts straight. Cali- of law that asians are not refornia is 3 hours behind the east sponsible for their aweful coast. so actually when you driving) were working and calling them until 10PM it was really only 7 Jenna my favorite hostess at the oclock at night. haha, don't you Longhorn Steakhouse, I hope you had a wonderful birthday feel stupid now....... and congradulations on getting It would be nice if the people into Lynn. that I lived with weren't comnew grape its the best drink yet so try a plete slobs about things. Please bottle of new grape the flavor you won't do me a favor and wash someforget. thing after you use it, c'mon we To the hottie from Clothier whose ID and are civilized keys I found. WTF!?! I go through THE DARKNESS RULES tracking you down to get that shit back to To that girl in Sociology whose you, and you dont even give me any seen my "o-face", shit girl, you thanks? Damn girl. I saw that pic, You make a man want more after are fine and you wan't it bad! and I am he thinks he's had enough. You the man to give it to you! You still have make a man want to go for a my number, call me up already!

2nd, 3rd and 4th round. Shizzle Come to the Medium meeting every Wednesday or else... my nizzle.

Ok people, I don't consider myself racist, but some things are just pissing me off. To all the indians out there, TAKE A SHOWER, you aren't in India anymore. To all the freaking ghetto people, get a freaking life, no one cares that you're from a bad neighborhood. To all the pseudo ghetto people, and by this I mean the asians and indians, you are frauds, and as much as I hate anything that has to do with the ghetto, or people who act ghetto, more then anything I am annoyed at hearing some indian squirt on the LX saying "yo yo yo, what up my brotha." Since I'm on a roll, lets not forget black girls with their unique hairstyles.

Wash your hair once a year PLEASE. It doesn't even look good, but after you don't wash in for a month, and spray a few gallons of hair spray on, it reeks.

To all the lazy, unionized, bus drivers with a 3rd grade education who are too retarded to get a real job: why don't you stupid motherfuckers stop taking a break every 10 minutes and drive the fucking bus like you are paid to do. This place wouldn't have a problem with the bus service if the societal parasites who drive the buses would just do their fucking job, then we might actually be able to schedule classes on different campuses without taking three periods off in the middle to account for transportation Send in more personals to personals@themedium.net or time.

P-Unit is the shit http:// get more filler crap like this www.princeton.edu/~rmoore/ take a shit punit/

Personals Personals

Asians are no different than hootie and the blowfish humans, they like to eat fried (funniest personal ever) rice and drive real slow, just like To the cock-loving filthy proseverybody else... titute in the quads, stopy trying To the assholes at the comp to advertise your porn site to lab. Why the fuck do you close all of us. By now everyone has early the first two weeks of the realized that the fleshy, wet, semester? I know all of you stinkey, hole between your legs faggots have nothing better to is being taken over by maggots do then create D&D play and any guy willing to pay five themes while masturbating to bucks could drive mac truck the thoughts you had a life through your STD infested Speed Kills, Save lives, drive twat. Love, all of your housemates (trust me, this a Honda opinion is a consensus you vile Come to the Medium meeting human being) Wednesdays at 9:15pm Livingston Student Center To ms. asian, You must be oblivious to not see the injusRoom 111 tices that blacks face that you do not. Being a black male, i see it everyday, whether it be getting stopped for being in the "wrong" neighborhood, for "looking" suspicious, or "matching" the description of some criminal. You do not know the feeling of having (In case you cannot see it, the women walk by you and clutch box is the new Lego Concentheir purses or roll their eyes at tration Camp) you. You have no idea so don't coke. coke. i like coke. it ain't preach to me about how you no joke just gimme some damn don't like BLACKS. You say coke! blacks are discriminated Whenever I get into a racial against because of their behavdebate, the person always says ior? and go on to say that this "But Football people and Band is a generation racism free? people are smarter than the Since when was any type of average Whitey." I know the DISCRIMINATION ok? Lisaverage Band IQ is higher than ten miss, i go to the same the higher White IQ, but is that school as you, take the same the same for Football? Also, courses as you, but you have how do you respond when the nerve to look down upon someone says something like me because of my "uneducated and rude behavior?" You do not this? know me so don't stereotype I heard they caught Saddam! me! Don't say their isnt racism To this semesters personal edi- when there most clearly is. You, tors, last semesters were so my dear, have exposed yourmuch better then yours. For self as an asian racist who has some reason the personals these preconceived notions kicked ass for the fall semes- about BLACKS. Unfortunately, your the rost type of ters in the past two years. bigot, the one who not only fails i told you i was hardcore to realize racism and discrimiIts good to be back at Rutgers, nation, but who thinks that its i really missed the herpes and "ok.. they deserve it." I'd like to know when the few every fat sandwiches. spoke for the masses (IE nazi For some reason everyone re- germany, communist china members to read this paper, vietnam north korea). Tell me yet they don’t contribute. If that your past isn't tainted with every person that read this the same things ours are. Im submitted something, I sure you will have to agree. But wouldn’t have to type stupid tell me now that in 2003 your shit like this. Assholes.

Asianness isnt something disLego Pirate, its more like butt criminated in and hated against by everyone around you. pirate, i hate you Honey, just be glad your not To that bitch that looks like you black. have down syndrome, don’t ever come to any of my par- (So I was wrong, THAT was ties again you herpes infested the funniest personal ever!) whore. it burns so bad, i hope www.ilovemartinscock.com you die.

What’s Shakin’

Y O U ‘ R E

“I hate you and all that you stand for....... here’s a cookie.”

Wednesday January 28th, 2004

Send events to: events@themedium.net

Shit, why the hell am I back doing this page again? During the winter break I was fucking the bitches and enjoying mounds of snow when all of a sudden I have responsibilities again, fuck that, fuck Rutgers, and fuck this shit for takin’ away my down time. I just want to beat a baby seal to death and use it in an ad to stop seal hunting just to be ironic, and an asshole. But, clubbing baby seals aside, welcome back to the state University of NJ, or Rutgers. Why you are still here confounds the S fuck out of me, why haven’t you gone to a better school or slit your wrists yet? Why am i still here? Two words, dirty sorostitutes. I just can’t get enough of them T asstacular bitches. But some of them ladies are cold cockblocking motherfuckers. I I mean it’s downright recockulous. I mean recuntulous, fuck I mean fuck them I don’t L need their STI’s foulin’ up my one-eye. God damn it, here are some events.

L

Watch Wet Hot American Summer, best movie ever Come to the Medium meeting at 9:15 PM at the Livingston Student Center Room 111 and be cool, like Andre “Ice Cold” 3000. Or don’t come and be like Carrot Top.... You’re choice

Come

Don’t Come

F U C K E D

Stuff

Music

Wed, 1/28 to Sat, 1/31 - Paul Mooney at Caroline’s, Broadway, NY Thurs, 1/29 - Chris Rock at Madison Square Garden, NY Thurs, 1/29 to Sat, 1/31 Doug Stanhope at The Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs, 1/29 to Sun, 2/1 Dane Cook at Caroline’s, Broadway, NY Fri, 1/30 - Finding Nemo at Nicholas Residence Hall, Cook Campus Fri, 1/30 - Out of Time at Livingston Student Center Fri, 1/30 to Sun 2/1 - Lost In Translation at Scott 123, CAC Campus

Wed, 1/28 - Anti-Flag at B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, New York, NY Thurs, 1/29 - Hatebreed at The Downtown, Farmingdale, NY Fri, 1/30 - Val Emmich w/ Exit 105 at Harry’s Roadhouse, Cookman Avenue, Asbury Park, NJ Fri, 1/30 - Breath Eyes Memory w/ Now or Never, Kick Over the Traces, and Burbis at Hamilton St. Cafe, 22 Hamilton St. Bound Brook, NJ Sat, 1/31 - Pennywise at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Mon, 2/2 - Stretch Armstrong at The Downtown, Farmingdale, NY