Poems from Guadalupe “Pita” Amor’s books “Yo soy mi casa” and “Decimas a Dios”
Background/Context:
Pita Amor’s poetry is constantly questioning the existence of God and also delves into topics such as turbulent frames of mind, and disillusionment/disappointment at life and herself, which will become very noticeable as you read the translations below.
Concerns:
§ Certain words that Amor uses can be taken both literally or figuratively. While I aimed to keep the substance of the topics in place, I ultimately felt that I had to take a more literal approach for some words to convey the visual effect that I think Amor was going for.
§ Amor rhymes beautifully in the original text, but it wasn’t always possible to transmit that into English.
§ These poems are meant to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
I
Casa redonda tenía de redonda soledad: el aire que la invadía era redonda armonía de irrespirable ansiedad. Las mañanas eran noches, las noches desvanecidas, las penas muy bien logradas, las dichas muy mal vividas.
Y de ese ambiente redondo, redondo por negativo, mi corazón salió herido y mi conciencia turbada. Un recuerdo mantenido: redonda, redonda nada.
Translation: I
I had a round house made of round solitude: the air that invaded it was a round harmony of unbearable anxiety.
The mornings were nights, the nights faded, the sorrows so well achieved, the joys so poorly lived.
And from that well-rounded home, Round for its pessimism, my heart was left wounded and my conscience perturbed. A lasting memory remains: Round, round emptiness.
II
Escaleras sin peldaños mis penas son para mí, cadenas de desengaños, tributos que al mundo dí.
Tienen diferente forma y diferente matiz, pero unidas por los años, mis penas, o mis engaños, como sucesión de daños, son escaleras en mí.
Translation:
II
Rungless ladders
my sorrows are to me, chains of disappointments, tributes that to the world I did give.
They have different shapes and different shades, but bound by the years, my sorrows, my deceptions, like a series of misfortunes, they are ladders in me.
III
De mi esférica idea de las cosas, parten mis inquietudes y mis males, pues geométricamente, pienso iguales lo grande y lo pequeño, porque siendo, son de igual importancia; que existiendo, sus tamaños no tienen proporciones, pues no se miden por sus dimensiones y sólo cuentan, porque son totales, aunque esféricamente desiguales.
Translation:
III
From my spherical idea of things, come my worries and my woes, for geometrically, I regard as equal the great and the small, for as they are, they are of equal importance; that existing, their sizes have no proportions, for they are not measured by their dimensions and are only counted, for they are total, although spherically unequal.
IV
Me estoy volcando hacia fuera y ahogándome estoy por dentro. El mundo es sólo una esfera, y es al mundo al que pidiera totalidad, que no encuentro.
Totalidad que debiera yo, en mí misma, realizar, a fuerza de eliminar tanta pasión lastimera; de modo que se extinguiera mi creciente vanidad y de este modo pudiera dar a mi alma saciedad.
Translation:
IV
I'm turning inside out And drowning from within. The world is only a sphere, but it is the world that I ask for fulfillment, which I cannot reach.
Fulfillment that I, myself should achieve, to forcibly erase so pitiful a passion; that I might extinguish my growing vanity and in this way give my soul satiety.
De mi barroco cerebro, el alma destila intacta; en cambio mi cuerpo pacta venganzas contra los dos.
Todo mi sér en pos de un final que no realiza; mas ya mi alma se desliza y a los dos ya los libera, presintiéndoles ribera de total penetración
Translation:
From my baroque brain, my soul remains intact; and yet revenge against both my body makes a pact.
My whole being in pursuit of an end that is not realized; yet already my soul slips away, and the two of them it now liberates, sensing for them a shore to wholly infiltrate.
VI
Yo soy cóncava y convexa; dos medios mundos a un tiempo: el turbio que muestro afuera, y el mío que llevo dentro. Son mis dos curvas-mitades tan auténticas en mí, que a honduras y liviandades toda mi esencia les dí.
Y en forma tal conviví con negro y blanco extremosos, que a un mismo tiempo aprendí infierno y cielo tortuosos.
Translation:
VI
I am both concave and convex; two half-worlds at all at once: the turbid one I show outside, and my own which I carry inside. They are my two curved halves so authentic within me, that even in depths and levities my whole essence to them I did give.
And I coexisted in such a way with extremities of black and white, that all at once I came to learn the torturous ways of both heaven and hell.
Decimas a Dios
Please note: These last four poems are literally her speaking to God, hence the name of the book “Decimas a Dios” (Short prayers to God).
XLIII
Me sirves de baluarte, de asilo de mis temores, de centro de mis amores, y a ti ¿qué puedo yo darte? Egoístamente amarte; pedirte que seas verdad; que comprendas mi maldad; que mi ser tenga sentido, y que mi último latido haga eco en la eternidad.
Translation:
XLIII
You serve as my fortress, a refuge from my fears, a center for my affections, And to you, what is it that I offer? To love you but selfishly; to ask that you be true; That you might understand my wickedness; that my existence have some meaning, and that my final heartbeat be echoed throughout eternity.
Dios mío, sé mi pecado, consiste en verte en concreto; y tú, el eterno discreto, por eso me has castigado, dándome un ser complicado que piensa entenderlo todo y que jamás halla el modo de fundir carne con mente, que pensando con la frente, se está pudriendo en el fondo.
Translation: V
My God, I recognize my sin, it lies in seeing you concretely; and for that, you, the eternal discreet one, for that, you have chastised me, by making me a cumbersome being who believes they know everything and who never finds a way to fuse body and mind, and who, by thinking head-on, is rotting within.
XVII
Dime, qué es lo que pretendes con tu silencio y tu ausencia?
En dónde está tu clemencia, si te imploro y no desciendes?
Me creas de lodo inmundo, luego en más fango me hundo, y soy, entonces, culpable.
Dios eterno, inexplicable qué misterioso es el mundo!
Translation:
XVII
Tell me, what do you pretend with your silence and lack of presence?
Where is your compassion, if I beseech you and you refuse to come?
You mold me out of vile clay, then into further mire I sink, and therefore, I am to blame.
Eternal, ineffable God the world is but a mystery!
XLI
¡Hoy Dios no quiso venir!... Se fatiga de escucharme, y no es que deje de amarme, es que se cansa de oír que yo lo obligo a existir rogándole que se muestre. Soy tan humana y terrestre, que lo deseo en presencia; pero si hallo al fin su esencia, tal vez a Dios lo secuestre.
Translation:
XLI
Today God did not want to come!.... He grows weary of listening to me, and it is not that He stops loving me, it's that he gets tired of hearing that I demand he exist begging him to show himself. I am so human and mundane, that I yearn for his presence; but if I find God’s essence at last, I may abduct Him.